Resolutions/Goals for 2009

Here it is, my official list for the New Year:

1. Run the New York Marathon, November 2009.

2. Qualify for the 2010 Boston Marathon.

3. Complete the Imogene Pass Race in September 2009.

4. Visit the Grand Canyon - backpack/camp on the North Rim (reservations pending) - this is my substitution for the AT until I can realistically take 3-4 months of time off.

5. Run a 5K in less than 24 minutes

6. Get a 300 on the Army APFT by October 2009.

7. Get promoted a rank or finally get my commission

8. Put $3000 away for "Just-in-case"

9. Take the Foreign Service Exam again in February

10. Apply for PhD programs to begin classes Fall 2010

As the year progresses, I'm sure there will be many additions. Of course, you'll be among the first to know when I accomplish any one of these. Stay tuned!

Someone Great

Every so often you run across someone who surprises you, in a good way. Everyone says it happens when you're not looking for it, but I find that good things happen when you ARE looking. Not in a desperate, searching way, but in a "keeping an eye open for opportunities" way. Not sure where this is all going, but I have a hunch it's something great.

. . . and a Happy New Year

As we all look forward to a new year and a new start, I think even the greatest cynic hopes, just a little, that things will be better in 2009. That's the whole point of New Years Resolutions! I know that the standard shelf life of a Resolution is about 2 weeks, but for some reason there's such great appeal in making that list.

For me, 2008 was a year that I actually reached a lot of the goals I set for myself in January. The self efficacy I gained by being able to check things off my list feels really good. I learned that I AM capable of changing my circumstances, overcoming disappointment, achieving great things, becoming more like the woman I hope to be. With that arsenal behind me, I really hope that in 2009 I can move further along that path. There will always be bumps in the road, but getting over them is something I know I can do.

This really feeds my sense of adventure; to know that I can do just about anything I set out to do. I already have great plans for 2009. Having a job that allows for some vacation time will be really advantageous in my attempts to see more of the world. In the last couple years I've felt pretty stuck. I had time to do things but no money, and really not much drive to make things happen for myself. Now I have a little money, a little time, and a lot of ambition. I'm excited to see what happens. I hope you all stick around for the ride! Thanks for reading in 2008, I'm looking forward to sharing my adventures and mishaps with you again in 2009.

Tis the Season . . .

This time of year I always myself reminiscing about the past year. It's easy to use the holidays as a reference point for where/who I was this same time last year - or most any previous year.

While the days seem to fly by, when I look back to a year ago, it feels so far away. So many things have changed - most for the better.

As I review the events, people, and places from 2008, a few items stand out:

1. Rock 'n Roll Marathon, San Diego California, June 1 - My First Marathon: Like all "firsts" this race was significant beyond the actual event itself. The preparation and anticipation were unmatched by the race. I discovered a new little part of myself through the process - always a good outcome from any "First." It was also my first trip, as an adult, to sunny San Diego - a place I hope to visit again and again.

2. Ivy Castleman - My New Favorite Person: Every woman needs a friend like Ivy. We make plans for great adventures, talk often about our misadventures, genuinely agree on our fabulousness, and have a wonderful time together. I don't think I've grown so close to anyone so quickly. I attribute it to our shared love for three important things: 1) men, 2) wine/food, and 3) Radiohead/good music. Some might say we're crazy, and we'd probably agree, but we sure know how to have fun!

3. Fast Forward Sports - My New Team: I've never enjoyed getting to know a group of perfect strangers as much as I have enjoyed my time with my running team. The coaches are knowledgeable and experienced, but never prideful, and always encouraging. We all look forward to our group training sessions, and thoroughly enjoy each others' company. I'm really excited to make them a big part of 2009!

4. 1010 Emerson Street, Denver CO - My First Apartment: Another "First" for the year. Once again, the anticipation, preparation, etc. of its "firstness" are greater than the actual thing. But it's my place, I've made it home. I don't plan on giving up my own space any time soon.

5. Wild West Relay, Fort Collins to Steamboat Springs, August 21-22 - My Big Challenge: As if running marathons wasn't enough for my first year as a "runner," I joined up with a(nother) group of perfect strangers to run 195 miles through mountain wilderness, at altitudes where trees hardly grow. I'd like to think of this as my introduction to endurance racing as God intended it. Road races are all well and good, but until you trudge along side elk at 12,000 feet and you can barely see the trail for the undergrowth in the middle of the night or in 102 degree temperatures (within the same 32 hour period), you don't know running. Again, I hope to make this a part of 2009, as well as tackling the Imogene Pass Run.

6. Dill, Dill, Carr, Stonbraker & Hutchings, PC - My New Job (Saving the World One Drinking Establishment at a Time): Any place you spend 40+ hours/week becomes a significant part of your life. If you're a regular blog reader, you know that this job has brought both joy and consternation on my part. I'm thankful to be employed and working with someone who appreciates what I do. It's not exactly what I dreamed I'd be doing right now, but that's in process.

I think I've come a long way this year. I'm a more confident woman; more comfortable in my own skin. I have developed some great new friendships, and lost contact with a few people who I dreamed would be a significant part of my life for, well, for my whole life. That's the funny thing about time and space - they have contradictory effects. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," but separation changes the relationship between people so that they hardly know each other any more. Maybe the heart has to overcompensate for the chasm between people? Perhaps it's because you forget the negative aspects of a relationship over time, but the good memories stick with you?

Either way, this time last year I was singing "I love yous" across miles, today I'm trying my best to believe that it was real and not just some naive creation by my romantic heart and wild imagination. I know that sounds worse than what I mean to say. I'm not "giving up on love," but I hope that in 2009 I can take a more measured approach. I've been fairly careless with my heart this year, and I'd like to put the pieces back together and make it work again.

Decisions

Today I'm faced with a choice about my future. I've thought for a while that I would like to pursue advancement in one of my careers. Essentially the choice is whether I take a sizable bonus for a position that I don't particularly want, or do I pursue the option that I believe will be more interesting that doesn't carry a bonus? Either choice requires a 6 year commitment. However, once I've made the choice, I can't reasonably go the other direction, even after the 6 years are up.

When I pare it down to those terms it seems like a pretty easy choice - the money will run out long before my commitment to the job ends.

However, the bonus could go a long way in the meantime. I could pay off all my debt (with the exception of my student loan). That would be quite a relief. Or I could use it as a down-payment on a condo, which would also be really nice (as nice as incurring additional debt can be).

I guess the more important issue is determining which option will serve me better in the long run?

Really, I think I've made my decision. Money has never really had much value for me, beyond what it can do to provide the freedom to do things that really matter to me. Money comes and goes. Not to be flippant about it, but I am far from letting it make my decisions for me. For me, the concern with finding a job is not so much finding one that pays well, but finding one that's fulfilling - where I feel like I'm making a contribution, doing something that matters. The only reason I'm still at the law firm is because I believe the attorney I work for really values me. While I may not feel like the work I'm doing is very significant - to him, it is.

I also know, however, that having enough money to support my lifestyle (which is by no means extravagant) brings a certain amount of peace and security. I'm much more relaxed when I'm not trying to make a dollar out of two nickles.

I'm not in a hurry to make the decision today. I'll probably wait until I get the final word from the State Dept in April before I actually take any real action.

4:18:51

I finished my third marathon yesterday. It was a little slower than Denver, but I felt a lot better during and after. The oxygen level in the air due to a 4000 foot elevation drop had something to do with that, I'm sure. Plus, it was nice and cool and very dry. Essentially it mimicked my training conditions but with more air to breathe and shorter, less intimidating hills. I had been told that the course was a bit hilly, so Christine and I (former TnT teammate and current running buddy) took that to heart and pushed ourselves up ridiculous inclines in preparation. We were delighted when the "hill" between miles 10 and 11 of which we had been forwarned felt like nothing more than a speed bump on our way to an easy 4:05 finish. By mile 21 I was still feeling great (thanks in part to the full-body Biofreeze spray at mile 19 - it tingles!). By mile 23 I had slowed my roll - we were a little behind after a serious drop in blood sugar for Christine that led to a fainting scare and resulted in a four-minute walk. She recovered, I couldn't seem to get going again. The pain and fatigue of the race (and the long, hard training season for back-to-back marathons) was setting in. She trotted on ahead and finished in 4:15. I began to dream of how lovely it's going to be when the longest distance I have to think about running for at least 3 months is 10 miles.

I'm putting the marathoning on the back burner for now - do not be alarmed, however! I have my racing calendar full in 2009, to include two full marathons and two half marathons. I just need a short break from the long distances. I'll be back faster, fitter, and fresher.

After discussing my training plans for 2009 with my coach, we decided it's best for me to focus on strength and speed for the Winter/Spring. Qualifying for Boston will require more than just logging miles. Also, I'd like to get a little more creative with my running plan/training calendar next year. The Wild West Relay was an experience I'm longing to replicate. The Imogene Pass Run in September is one of the top priorities (other than NY in November) for the year. Next up though is the Canyonlands Half marathon in March. Between now and then I have a 5K, a 5 Mile and a 10 Mile race to ease back in to training, speed up and tune up.

Also, I really want to start swimming this winter; just to give my joints a break. I love being in the water. I've slacked on my Yoga practice as well and I'm looking forward to getting back into that. The studio around the corner from work offers "Hot" Yoga classes in the winter - that sounds really appealing on the many days when the mercury drops.

So I'm excited about changing things up - keeping running at the fore, of course. I'd say I've earned a bit of a break.

Just Ducky

I remember reading somewhere to "be like a duck: calm on the surface, but paddling like hell underneath." I'm beginning to wonder how long a duck can "paddle like hell" before its feathers start to ruffle.

I'm trying to keep things under control - maintain a calm, easy-going demeanor; but beneath the surface I'm not so smooth or confident. How many punches can one person take before they start to yell "Uncle?"

I mentioned earlier that I decided not to let things get to me this week. So far it's going swimmingly, when it comes to work stuff. I know that no amount of bitching and moaning on my part, or getting angry and letting it fester will make an iota of difference. I think it's spilling over into my personal life. I've turned everything into a melodrama. One unreturned phone call garnered the reaction of all romantic disappointments of the past year. Fortunately for everyone around me, I've reserved my emotional overreactions for my dashboard and taken the frustration out on my running shoes (we'll see how well that served me on Sunday - this was supposed to be a taper week!).

I'm thankful I have a great weekend away planned. It will be a Vegas trip like none other - meaning that it will involve no alcohol, no late night partying, no phone numbers or text messages from men I can't remember meeting, and certainly no time wasted in smoke-filled casinos. What's the point of going to Vegas, you ask? At this point, all I care about is getting out of town and away from the mountain I've made out of a mole hill for a couple days to gain some perspective and remember that I am worth much more than a phone call.

The Case of the Broken Penis

The last couple weeks at work have been quite frustrating. It's just the same old garbage. But today, I decided not to let any of it bother me. I was talking with my mom about her own work woes this weekend, and she commented that "some people get mad just because they can, but that doesn't mean they should." In the grand scheme of things, really, none of this is going to matter. What WILL matter, however, is how I react to it and how I treat people in response. I'm bolstered by the hope that I won't be doing this very much longer anyway - being an ENFP (see previous post for an explanation), the future is always bright.

So today, I looked for (and found) the humor in just about every situation. Instead of getting angry about the stupid little things that happen all day, every day, I just made some smart remark with a smile, laughed and walked away. One case in particular brought a smirk to my lips.

We have a client who was recently sued by a man who broke his penis in their warehouse. He slipped on some ice and had a "straddle" accident that required major surgery. The irony lies in the fact that the man is a convicted sex offender, and his case was tried before the first openly lesbian judge in Colorado (she's sixty). In the end, he was awarded about $740,000 for medical expenses, pain and suffering, attorneys' fees and legal costs, and Permanent Impairment (he's impotent and permanently catheterized from the injury).

When I was discussing this case with the attorney, he asked me how much I thought was a reasonable amount for permanent impairment. The medical expenses amounted to over $250,000; he was also awarded $300,000 for pain and suffering. I thought I was being generous when I said, "oh about $100,000 for permanent impairment." Apparently the judge thought that was quite generous as well, having awarded $25,000 to the man for his broken penis.

You can't make this stuff up folks.

ENFP

I am working on a research paper about using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator as a tool for understanding second language acquisition. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an assessment tool used to analyze and understand the natural preferences and tendencies that are most commonly perceived as personality. Based on a Jungian philosophy of personality as the compilation of natural tendencies that make up our patterns of behavior, as well as individual thought processes and how we perceive and interact with the world, Myers-Briggs designates these traits into eight different "dichotomies," or preferences, and then sixteen different "types," each made up of combinations of four dichotomies. Every pair of dichotomies are, in a sense, on opposite ends of a spectrum from each other. Individuals fall somewhere on the spectrum, our behaviors or tendencies emulating one end more closely than the other.

While our preferences or tendencies are natural or inborn, they are also developed through experience and our environment. One of the simplest analogies offered to explain how these preferences are developed is "handedness." Each of us has a natural tendency for which hand is our dominant hand, but either hand may become dominant through greater use.

My Dad has used this tool for quite some time in his work helping teams communicate and operate better - and those individuals interact with each other better. These Types have been an important aspect of operating within our family and understanding/respecting each others' needs/preferences.

My Myers-Briggs Type is ENFP. Basically, it means that I am 1) a people person with high social needs - I am energized through interaction with others; 2) I process information intuitively; 3) I make decisions based on my values and how it will affect other people; and 4) I deal with the world in a flexible, spontaneous way, seeking to experience life, rather than try to control it. Again, these are all true of me to varying degrees and this particular combination renders different patterns of behavior than each individual dichotomy would predict on its own. The most accurate/interesting element of my personality that this reveals is that I am future oriented, always believing that tomorrow will be better than today, and dreaming about future circumstances consumes a large portion of my thoughts. You might think this makes me seem like a head-in-the-clouds kind of girl, except that the "Feeling" aspect of my personality is introverted - and I am more likely to seem aloof and indecisive while I process emotions internally. Also, on the Thinking/Feeling scale, I am about dead center - making me both an idealist and a pragmatist.

After all my research, all I can really say in terms of second language acquisition teaching strategies is that someone with a personality profile of Michael Scott would be a much better ESL teacher than someone with the personality profile of Angela (just watch The Office).

Taking Hold of a Life that is Truly Life

This week made me realize that I am not being very intentional to live the life that I want and believe I can have.

I went to work everyday in a great mood. The weather was beautiful. Even though I've been tired, I'm feeling healthy and preparing for the next big race. As soon as I walked through those heavy wooden doors each morning, my level of happiness fell from a 10 to about a 4. As the day progressed, my mood continued to fall. By about 2:30 every afternoon, I was counting the seconds until 5:00.

The office politics that I can usually avoid seemed to affect me more directly this week. I was bitterly reminded by a co-worker that So-and-so "will stab you in the back while giving you a hug," after experiencing this truth myself. The holidays always usher in the typical end-of-year financial concerns. It's put everyone on edge and the tension is palpable. Personally, I'm used to living on a shoestring budget. I still have a fair amount of stress related to money, but it's become my lifestyle rather than a temporary threat to my lifestyle. So I just accept that I can't afford to do all the things I want to do AND fulfill all my financial obligations. For people who haven't had to tighten their budget significantly in a very long time, they seem to take out their frustration on everyone around them. So, while I can't really blame people for being more spiteful and bitter than usual, I don't appreciate being the target of their anger.

So everyday I was reminded of how much I dislike working for someone else. I want to be in a position where I can control what I do with my day and how I spend my time and resources. And I would really like to have resources to allocate to things that I care about, rather than just dishing out a large majority of my income to pay bills. I want to be free to spend time doing things I care about and enjoy. I'm taking advantage of a new opportunity that has presented itself. I'm letting go of my fear of failing. I'm trying to ignore the petty little voice in my head that asks "what will people think?" Because if I never try, I'll never actually succeed. I've tried scary things this year, and they've turned out really well. I've learned that I'm capable of greater things than I knew.

First Snow

Even before I opened my eyes this morning, I knew what had happened over night. The stillness gave it away. I jumped out of bed, disturbing Oliver from his warm spot next to, and yanked open the blinds. It had snowed for the first time this season. The entire outside world was lightly dusted with a clean, sparkling layer of feathery snowflakes, and they were still coming down. I opened the window to feel the chilled air on my face and breathe in the damp smell. Everything felt so quiet, so at peace. This is one of the many reasons I love living in Colorado.

Now if it would only just keep snowing all weekend and force the entire city to shut down for the first three days of next week, I would be even more grateful to live in Colorado.

The Difference

I had a pair of conversations this week with people from the past. They both cast an interesting new light on my future, in very different ways.

The first conversation was in response to my previous blog post about my relationships with men. Though this person was not listed in my Male Revue, he was a significant friend at an important point in my life. Just as I remember, he offered kind, honest, intelligent advice to my recent commiserating over my seemingly failed love life. It was really encouraging. Every girl really needs at least one solid male friend (in addition to all the great girl friends) to remind her that she's valuable and worth pursuing. I'm thankful for mine.

The second conversation was liberating and encouraging in a very different way. It made me realize that someone who I thought was so very important, really doesn't have a hold on me anymore. What a sensation to finally stop wondering and hoping that they would once again become a major part of my life. I left the conversation thinking, "what was the big deal?" What a relief!

So this pair of conversations with someone who genuinely cares about me (even after all this time), and someone who genuinely cares about themself (even after all this time), helped reaffirm my own belief that I don't need to settle for second best. I may not be in a position to do everything I want to do right now, to the full extent, but I am committed to doing small things today to help me become the woman I want to be tomorrow. That's been my motto/mantra for the last few weeks. I really want to take active steps each day that will eventually put me where I want to be in the long run.

If 2007 was the Year of Disappointment, and 2008 has been the Year of Forward Progress, then 2009 will be the Year of Making Good Things Happen. I can't wait to start making my New Year's Resolutions!

Looking for Love (In all the Wrong Places)

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships; trying to figure out why I can't seem to make one work. I was flipping through my mental card catalogue of boys/guys/men with whom I've been involved (or uninvolved) romantically, drawing comparisons and attempting to find a common denominator. The solution may simply be that the timing just isn't right for me to meet Mr. Right; and I'm fine with that. But since I'm female (read "crazy") I have to analyze, to a point that defies reason, why I can't find one that sticks, or that makes me want to stick. The result is this anthology of failed relationships:

1) The First One: I had my first real crush when I was 7. I hated him at first because he threw spit wads at me in Sunday School, splashed water in my face in the swimming pool, and kicked sand at me on the softball field. After several weeks of this harassment, I was a tearful mess. I didn't understand why he was being so mean. My Mom playfully assured me that this is just how boys act if they think a girl is cute. With this realization I quickly developed a crush. I don't remember ever having a single exchange of words with the boy, but I do remember the endless teasing that resulted after I tried to kiss him. I had never been so embarrassed.

2) The One I told to "Eat Dirt": I have a memory from when I was 9 about a big-eyed boy in our homeschool playgroup who kept staring at me on the playground. I thought he was weird and it made me uncomfortable but my friend assured me that he just liked me. So, to prove to my friend that I was not going to let some boy ruin our fun, I marched over to him on the tire swing, stamped my foot and told him to stop staring at me and go eat dirt.

3) The One Who Thought He was Smarter: In 7th grade, my final year of homeschooling I beat out a boy for a spot in the National Geographic State-Wide Geography Bee. He was always such a know-it-all, but he was relatively nice, and I starting putting on make-up whenever his family came over. He had won the local competition the year before and not passed the test to get into the State Competition. When I won the local contest, he assured me that there was no way I would pass the test to go to State since he had not passed. When I well exceeded the necessary score to move ahead, he reasoned that the test must have been easier than when he took it. I refused to speak to him from that point forward.

4) The One Who Asked Me Out: In 8th grade, my first year in public school, I was painfully shy and scared to tears of most of my peers. When one of the "popular" guys asked me to "go out" with him, I quietly, and snobbishly refused - knowing it was a chance for him to make a fool of me. "Why not?" he asked.
"I like someone else," I lied.
He walked back to his group of friends, laughing and clutching his chest like I had broken his heart.

5) The One I Pursued: My freshman year of high school I took the initiative and told a boy that I liked him, and that if he wanted to hang out sometime, I would be interested. He just smiled, said, "okay, see you later," closed the door and avoided me for the next 8 years. AWKWARD.

6) The One Who "Ruined My Life": So I'm being a little dramatic about this one, but at the time, I really thought my life was over. It was a long, confusing, back and forth relationship that preoccupied most of my high school life. Really, the only reason I can remember for starting to date the guy in the first place was because he was really interested in my best friend but she had rejected him and he wanted someone to talk to. I think he hoped that I would put in a good word on his behalf, but I ended up being a much easier target. Really, what I regret about this whole period was the friendships and relationships I missed out on because I was so concerned with making him happy. I lied to my parents and pretty much anyone I knew to be with the guy, and ended up deeply hurt and very alone.

7) The Good One*: There are some guys/men who are worth their weight in gold. These are the ones who make you feel special, valuable, beautiful, even at your worst. We never had more than a close friendship, but things he said to me years ago, and our interactions still stay with me. In many ways, he's an ideal. Even after we went our separate ways we maintained a frequent, respectful and delightful correspondence. Our differences on the most touchy subjects were never an issue, and our conversations of such topics were always intelligent, civil, respectful, and enriching. He's happy and successful; I can't imagine anyone who deserves it more.

8) The Wrong One (in all the right ways): When I first met him he had BO, he was awkward, abrasive, defensive, and intense. These days, he's still defensive and intense, but he's also confident, driven, and passionate (last time I saw him, he smelled pretty damn good too). He chased me, I chased him. We have both been through our series of good and bad relationships. We never saw eye to eye on much of anything, and trying to encourage each other started feeling like a chore. I was in a constant state of confusion with him - never really knowing what he wanted from me (because he never really knew himself). Plus it just never made sense. When I first started feeling something for him, it didn't fit into my idea of what my life and my man should look like, so I fought it. I degenerated into a spiteful, selfish, petty, scared, girl with him. But no one has ever made me laugh so hard. When I was with him and things were good, they were so good, none of that other stuff mattered.

9) The One Who Was Perfect: Everything about him was just right. He wanted the same things out of life as me, heading the same direction, believed all the same things, said all the right words, smart, funny (in a quirky way), polite, hard-working, adventurous, athletic, tall, dark, handsome. I never figured out how to overcome my shyness to really talk to him. As much as we enjoyed each others' company, it was never comfortable. As much as I admire(d) him, I kept waiting for him to initiate, and when he finally did, I didn't know how to react, got scared, and turned him down. Certainly one of the nicest guys in the world. I know that whoever he is with is very, very happy.

10) The Democrat: There are many ways I could describe him, but at the time, his political affiliation was what mattered. I was in my staunch conservative days and he was so very liberal, that I couldn't help but be attracted to him. He was willing to discuss and debate everything, openly, evenly, and respectfully. I fell in love with the fact that he respected me enough to have a heated debate, and we never left with hard feelings. (Actually, this is probably the only thing wrong with #9 - he refused to have a political discussion - or any kind of serious discussion about anything which we may have disagreed.) He took me to baseball games, did crossword puzzles with me, but when I mentioned visiting him at school, he freaked out, froze up, and stopped calling. He did give me a very nice goodbye present and a heartfelt card. He very graciously called every couple days to check on me after my move to Kansas before he vanished. No amount of googling and Facebook stalking has rendered any results.

11) The Nice Guy: I initially blew him off as boring. So nice, I wouldn't go out with him more than a few times because I was afraid I would just hurt his feelings. Now he's a good friend and someone that I often compare the man of the moment to. Few measure up, but I still can't find it in me to fall for him.

12) The Unrequited One*: This is the guy with whom I interact often, as a friend. But I know that if I were to ever, for one second, indicate romantic interest, he would be at my beckon call. Again, he's so nice, but so very awkward, and so self-deprecating (usually his attempt at humor), that I could never bring myself to date him, even if I did find him mildly attractive. He epitomizes the "nice guys finish last" adage. I feel guilty now for even including him in the list - but I feel like it's somewhat characteristic of many relationships. I often get myself in trouble because what I consider to be friendliness and kindness gets confused with romantic interest. He IS pleasant company, and it's always nice to be adored. However, I try very hard to never be in a position where I could be accused of leading him on.

13) Mr. Right-Now: Any random guy will do at this point, except of course the ones that are actually attractive or interesting. It's easiest, I've found, to just keep things simple so I don't actually have to care about the guys I'm dating. Low risk. When I, inevitably, get bored after a couple weeks, I don't care when he stops calling. Last week, the guy that I was most excited about asked whether I had other dates lined up with other guys while he was out of town because he doesn't want a relationship. I wasn't sure how to take that, but I was relieved, nonetheless. I'm not in a position to be in a relationship either, but the fact that he wasn't willing to commit to me stung a bit. On Monday, I had resolved that this was good and I was totally okay with just seeing him when I see him. By Wednesday I was on a date with a different guy. Today, I won't blink an eye if I don't hear from him when he's back in town. I've been anticipating this outcome for the last two weeks. My strategy these days is to keep at least two in the queue; so when one drops out, I always have back-ups. So far, it's working fairly well. Easy come, easy go.

I'm really okay with where I am in my life. I've never really played the dating game, so it's a learning experience - and I've always been a good student. But I'm puzzled as to why a smart, beautiful, fun, easy-going, woman like myself can't get a man. I heard a theory earlier this summer that men only want bitches. I don't think I fit into that category (yet), maybe that's my problem? Really, I think it's a matter of wrong place, wrong time. When the time is right, I'll find love - inconvenient, ridiculous, all-consuming love - with someone who is willing to put in all time and effort that I deserve.

* These were late additions that, after careful consideration, had to make the cut.

My New Favorite Running Tool

I love www.mapmyrun.com

I run a route in the morning, trace it on the map on the website when I get to work, and it calculates the distance for me.

The link above shows the path of my typical weekday run.

The coolest part is that if I'm going to a new place I can map out a route before I get there and know exactly where I'm going and how far. For example, when I went to Las Vegas in September, I knew that I needed to run about 10 miles that Saturday. I also wanted to run part of the upcoming LV Marathon course. Using this tool I was able to lay out a route ahead of time, by referring to the Marathon course map, and eliminated the guess work. It made it that much easier to get up and go in the morning. I had a plan and I stuck to it.

If you're just getting in to running and need to plan out a few runs of various distances, this is a really easy way to develop a training plan using the streets and sidewalks by your house. Make a plan, map your route, step out your front door, and hit the road!

The Amazingness Keeps on Coming

If you know anything about the New York City Marathon, you should know that it is incredibly difficult to get in to if you are not a New York Resident. Registration is based on a lottery system. There are a few lucky people who get their names pulled out of the hat to run the legendary race (I don't know any). There are others of us who have luck (blessings) of a different sort. In my case, I have a friend who has a friend who has a connection with an "in" for the 2009 NY Marathon. So, as of January 1, 2009 I will be an entrant! The only requirement for me will be to do a run with the training group in NYC sometime in 2009 and show up on race weekend to pick up my bib and run my little booty off.

The very best part will be running with my friend Will. It will most likely be his first full marathon, and his preparation for the 2010 Boston Marathon - for which I will be trying to qualify in the next year.

I think it's safe to say I've caught the running bug.

Speaking of which, I begin training for the 12/7 LV Marathon this week. After two weeks of taking it easy, resting and recovering, I am ready to get back on a training schedule. My plan is to ramp up the mileage a little more this week - try to hit about 25 miles. Then next week take it up another notch and top out at 12-15 miles that weekend. After that, I'll taper it off again to try and get some good rest. Runners' World has a "Bounce Back" Plan, so I'm going to test that out. The real advantage of doing them so close together is not having to start at square one again. I'm looking forward to seeing how my body responds. Even if the race doesn't go well, I'm certainly going to have fun in Vegas!

The BEST News

On a day when I hate my job (my co-workers annoy the s$#& out of me, my boss is unhappy with everything I do, I can't find an important document, my clients are calling multiple times with the same stupid questions, etc.) I get an e-mail from the U.S. Department of State.

My eligibility as a candidate to become a Foreign Service Officer has been reinstated and extended through April 2009.

If it were appropriate (and not so painful) I would be doing cartwheels down the halls of my office building.

Suddenly all my hopes and dreams of having a career, rather than a job, and doing something important are reawakening.

It's a beautiful feeling.

This is my chance to re-test, score higher, complete the oral interview again, perform better, and improve my chances of actually getting my dream job. I approached it with such a lacsidaisical attitude before, because if I cared too much about it, I had a greater chance of being disappointed. I'm learning that if I don't go for things with discipline and determination (buzz words for the week), I'll still be disappointed, and I'll regret not trying as hard as I could have. I have already registered to take the written exam over again. We'll see where I end up in terms of the oral exam.

I haven't been this hopeful about my future since I started working full-time at Dill and Dill. These little events renew my faith in a God who wants good things for me.

4:13:12

I completed the Denver Marathon yesterday in a full 22 minutes less than my previous marathon, nearly a whole minute/mile faster. I was shooting for 4:00, but I am pleased with my performance. I ran hard and it was infinitely easier than the first one. I could hardly believe how quickly the miles passed. After the 18 mile point I just kept ticking them off. By 23 I was exhausted, my left hip and right knee began to ache with fatigue, but with less than 30 minutes left, I knew I couldn't stop. I walked about three minutes then pushed through.

Before the race, our head coach reminded us that the first 20 miles of a marathon are about discipline. Discipline to set and keep your pace, discipline to hydrate as planned, discipline to run as you've trained. The last six miles are about determination. It's running with your head, then running with your heart.

The head part was easy. Contrary to my normal approach to life, when it comes to running, I make a plan and stick to it. I have unwavering discipline in my training. I know the advantage. I know how important discipline and organization are to prevent injury and to improve. You can't approach endurance running with a "que sera, sera" attitude - you'll end up hurt and disappointed. So yesterday, I started the race with a hydration and fuel plan, knowing exactly where the aid stations were located on the course. I ran a majority of the course in my training, so I knew every hill, pothole, tree-lined road, steaming piece of asphalt, and landmark I would encounter during the race. I ate, drank, slept as planned the week before. I even handpicked and ordered the playlist on my Ipod, knowing exactly what I would feel like listening to at different points in the race. So the first 20 miles were calculated and comfortable.

The heart part is where it got hard. Once the aches and pains began to set in, I began to doubt that I would meet my goal time. I was only three minutes behind pace at the twenty mile point and just over five minutes behind a gun-time four hour race (a planned pit- stop at mile 16 set me back about six minutes when my headphones got tangled in my fuel belt straps - had been consistently :45 ahead of my pace until that point). That meant picking up the pace thirty seconds faster per mile. With this realization, my determination wilted. So I decided that a 4:10 finish would be acceptable. When I rounded the final, familiar hill, with half a mile left, my determination wilted a little more and I slowed to a jog. Then, I turned the corner, passing the capital building and caught sight of my mom. I picked up the pace, and ran with everything I had left across the finish line. I slowly limped through the runners' finish area, chewing a banana that had appeared in my hand, shaking.

The head and heart take such an opposite role in the rest of my life. I'm rather undisciplined, disorganized, and much less interested in strict rules and guidelines (I am a control freak, so I like OTHER people to follow the rules, but I want to be exempt). My determination has gotten me more than my discipline ever has. I often make decisions with my heart, how I FEEL about something, rarely relying on what I THINK about things. When things aren't going my way, I will them to work out. I keep pressing because I feel that it's right, even if I know there's no logical way for it to be right. So running has become something of a teacher for me. Though laying down rules and a plan for a four hour race is quite different than living daily life in the same fashion.

A couple hours after the race, I was sitting in an ice bath, chatting on the phone with my other marathoner friends, recounting the details. They're the only other people who really get it, and even some of them don't understand why I'm running another 26.2 mile race in just 7 weeks, and then another 9 weeks later.

Perhaps it's because I'm a little crazy. Maybe I like pain. But I can only think of a few things that make me feel better (or even close to as good) as finishing a marathon. It's a test, and I keep getting better. I learn something every time, and throughout the training. It's not just the race itself, it's the whole preparation process. Runs end, but running doesn't. It's also about pride/ego. I run because it makes me like who I am. People ask me if running so much is really very healthy. I can't think of anything better for me.

Denver Marathon - Just One More Day

The pre-race nerves have set in full force. We had our last group training run last night, and we were all ready and rearing to go. This taper week has been killer. I can't sit still at work, I can hardly sleep because I have so much energy, the scheduled runs have felt way too short and the rest days way too long. It's like being overly caffeinated 24/7. Really, I think it's a good sign though. If I had overtrained, I would be tired, sluggish, sore, and dreading any sort of run. Before San Diego I wasn't as amped up and ready to go, and I had a fair share of nerves for reasons other than the race itself - being in a new place, transportation, hotel, food, new people, etc. Being home and in a position to keep my routine and my eating habits will give me a real advantage. Not to mention the fact that I've run most of the race course multiple times. Miles 18-22, typically the hardest of a marathon, I'm anticipating to feel really good. Those miles are around Washington Park where I've run twice a week for the last 18 weeks - it's like comfort food: familiar, easy, friendly. In fact the only part of the course with which I'm less familiar is the first 10K. That will be the easiest part in terms of energy level.

My goal for the race was to finish in 4 hours. After talking with my friend Will last night, I think I really need to go for it, puch myself, and try to qualify for Boston with a 3:40 finish. I've trained well, I'm prepared, and a 4 hour finish was reasonable, if not conservative. A 3:40 finish is rather ambitious, but I need to give it a shot. If I don't make it this time, Las Vegas is only 6 weeks away. If I don't make it there, I'll be signing up for another race in February. I am determined to qualify this season. I think I can actually do it. Wish me luck! Post-race report will follow next week.

Rollercoaster

After a perfectly wonderful weekend, nothing is more of a let down than walking back through the front doors of the office and sitting down under blaring flourescent lights in front of a computer screen to do a job that doesn't fill my forty-hour week and doesn't come close to filling my brain activity quota for an hour.


Last night I was more than content, almost giddy. I had a perfectly wonderful and satisfying weekend. I saw friends I hadn't seen in a while (twelve years), went for a good run with my favorite running buddy, went out with my brother and some friends, went to the Broncos Game with Casey (even though they lost, the company couldn't have been better), and spent an hour on the phone with Ivy engaged in our on-going conversation about the newest men in our lives.


Monday mornings are all about reawakening to a cruel reality: bills to pay that I can't really afford, an empty refrigerator, a sink full of dirty dishes, a pile of laundry to fold and put away, sheets to change, clothes to iron, cat litter to clean, etc., etc. To top it off, I'm running the Denver Marathon on Sunday, and pre-race anxiety is setting in early. I think it's the combination of training harder this time, feeling more pressure to perform well than I did in the first race, and that my family may actually turn out to watch me in the least spectator-friendly sport ever.

Regardless of all the good things going on in my personal life, my work life is at a stand-still. I'm fairly happy with where I am. I have a job, first of all. Steady income is a true blessing these days. I like my co-workers, most of the time. The liquor licensing work is less than stimulating, even though I do interact with quite a few characters. I took the job knowing it was something I could do for only a couple years. But lately, I've been vividly reminded that there really isn't any potential for promotion, or even much of a pay increase. It's increasingly frustrating to see the attorneys I work for bill $125/hour for my work (in addition to the $350 they bill for their own time), and I never see a dime of that. No matter how much I do (and how little they do) on a case, I still make the same hourly wage. Just last week, one of them had the nerve to complain about only earning $90,000 for that MONTH. That's almost more than I'll make in TWO YEARS after taxes.

So, rather than complaining about it, I started looking for college level teaching jobs today. I previously held a position at Rivendell College, so I sent a friendly inquiry into whether they will have an opportunity for me in the Spring. I also starting preparing an application and updating my Vita to apply for a part-time faculty position at a local community college. It makes me really happy to think about getting back into academia. I miss it. I fully plan to go back to school to get my Ph.D. and then take a University job. But right now, I believe that I am right where I am supposed to be. I don't quite feel the freedom to pick up and move right now. In fact, I've actually considered looking into some Colorado schools instead of going out of state. School has always been a way for me to escape my current circumstances, but I don't feel that same itch in my feet to leave again right now (other than the usual "I need an adventure" itch - but that's a given).

It must be a sign of growing up; wanting to stay in one place. It's a new sensation for me, and I'm not sure if I like it. Responsibility and settling down sounds so boring. The last thing I ever want to be is boring.

Come on Get Higher

Life just could not be better at this point.

Last time I expressed this sentiment, it was tainted with my anxiety about waiting for the shoe to drop - for the next disappointment. I got it.

This time around, I don't have any sense that the floor is about to drop out from underneath me. I feel safe with where I am and more importantly with who I am.

I had a great realization this summer. It started the weekend of the Wild West Relay. I really admire my friend Christine for always being herself. She's comfortable in her own skin, at peace with who she is, what she wants out of life, and that really emanates. Observing her that weekend made me realize that I put a lot of undue pressure on myself to be perfect. I get really frustrated when I don't feel like my life is picture-perfect. But what I saw in Christine is that she's not perfect either (by perfect I mean adhering to a social standard that is unrealistic and unobtainable for most women) but she likes, no loves, who she is. I want that to be true of me.

So I've tried cutting myself some slack this summer, loosening up a bit, relaxing my unrealistic expectations for perfection. For example, if I skip a training run, I don't kick myself over it for days and tell myself that I'm hopeless and pathetic and I'll never make anything of myself if I can't have the discipline to go for a 45 minute run. Or, if I eat a bite-sized Butterfinger out of the candy dish at work, I no longer berate myself for the rest of the day. It sounds a little extreme, I know; but I so easily believed the lies inside my head, and it's quite liberating to ignore them these days and just enjoy myself a little more.

When it comes to dating, it's had a revolutionary effect. I have always been so insecure around men because I was afraid they wouldn't be attracted to me because I'm not a perfect size 4 with size C breasts. I acted aloof, cold, disinterested, because I was so afraid of being rejected. Rather, I developed "bizarre semi-romantic" relationships with male friends because they were safe. These days I am learning to get over myself and open up a little - believing that if guys initiate with me, make eye contact, smile, that it's a safe assumption they are at least somewhat attracted to me. Even more important is the realization that if I make eye contact, smile, give an encouraging touch, men respond well to me.

I'm seeing someone for the first time in a while - actually dating him; not just doing the stupid, confusing shit I have done for years. And it's easy, fun, comfortable, stimulating. I look forward to seeing him, and everything about his behavior indicates that he likes seeing me.

I read Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin earlier this summer. It's a light, summertime chick novel that happened to be quite cathartic for me. I loved one of the analogies the main character used in comparing her relationship with her ex-boyfriend and her relationship with her husband: One was like climbing a mountain at night, in the rain, the other was like laying on the beach on a beautiful summer day. Her resolution was that the beach wins, everytime. Unfortunately I like climbing mountains at night, in the rain and a day laying on the beach gets boring pretty quick. But I think when it comes to men, I need someone more like a day at the beach. Everything doesn't have to be hard, but I seem to have a knack for making it that way.

This time around I'm trying to relax, bask in the sun a little (with proper SPF coverage, of course), and just take it for what it is. I'm in unfamiliar territory, but I AM one for adventure.

Count-down to Denver Marathon

I am just three weeks away from running my second marathon this year.

One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2008 was to train for and run ONE marathon. By the time we're making New Year's Resolutions for 2009, I will have completed three.

I'm really proud of myself for sticking with my goals this year, and doing things that are important to me. Even while on vacation this past weekend in Las Vegas I got up on Saturday morning at 8:00 and completed my scheduled 10 mile run. It was hot, I was tired, my sweat smelled like Tanqueray, but I did it. This week we continue our taper, and while I haven't trained as hard for this race as I did for the first one, I've trained smarter, with a more experienced group of runners and more knowledgeable coaching staff. I feel like the taper is well deserved. I'm much faster and stronger than I was in June. I'm really excited to see how my race-day performance improves.

I think I finally know what it feels like to do something I love. I've done lots of things I've enjoyed, lots of things to take pride in, but not anything I want to identify with. I like being a runner. I like lacing up my shoes at the end of the work day and unwinding with a few miles. I like running races. I like being associated with people who like running. There's a mentality, an attitude, a shared joy in doing something that non-runners just don't get. I like reading about running, runners, races, and training programs. I really like eating like a runner. I've enjoyed figuring out how to make running a part of my daily life, and I don't like days that I don't run. I never thought of myself as an athlete until this year, but I'm changing my mind on that point. I've always been fairly coordinated, but never very confident in my abilities. After enlisting in the Army and completing basic training, I realized that I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for; I just have to try.

I'm not worried or nervous about my upcoming races; I know I can run them well. The real question is "what can I do next?" Ultramarathons? Triathalons? Adventure Racing? Who knows, I'm ready to try it all.

The Perfect Run

I was so wrapped up in things this weekend that I forgot to mention my big accomplishment: I ran a perfect 21 mile training run. It could not have gone better. I think it's a real testament to the quality of training this summer and my growing experience in long-distance running. I ran a consistent 9:30 mile, never got dehydrated, ate when I needed to, never got too sore, too chafed, too blistered, or too tired. Afterwards, I felt good enough to run another five miles. I wasn't even sore yesterday!

With the Denver Marathon one month away, I feel more confident than ever in my running. Over the next four weeks we cut back our distance training significantly and switch to shorter, faster runs over hills to build strength and speed. My predicted marathon finish time is 4:02, and I really think I can make that. Then the Las Vegas Marathon is five weeks later, where I'm hoping to finish in under four hours. If I keep up with my training, continue to take care of myself, recover well, I think Boston may be in my near future.

The World According to Kelly

A few weeks ago I published a blog post addressing my initial reaction to Sarah Palin and my growing distaste for the GOP (see “ Sarah Palin, You Just Lost a Republican Woman’s Vote”). Since then I have received a couple e-mails and comments asking me to expand on this or clarify my position. In response I began composing a post intended to outline my personal political views for the upcoming election. After about 8 loosely organized paragraphs on no less than 5 different issues and topics, I realized that it would be impossible for me to articulate my position on any of these topics in a single post. Rather than creating a series of pre-election day posts here, I have decided to launch an entire blog site for my musings on politics and political issues. If you are interested in reading what I have to say on things like, the purpose of government, why people vote (or don’t vote), how electoral systems work (or don’t work) , the American Education system, healthcare/health insurance, political parties, political leaders, America’s role in international development, the Doha Round, the UN, the EU, Burma (Myanmar), Venezuela, Mexico, NAFTA, and a variety of other topics, please refer to my new blog: www.politikel.blogspot.com

Thanks for reading; and as always, if you have questions and comments, please send them along. I love hearing from you – it’s nice to know you’re on this journey with me.

The Crazy-Girl-Freak-Out and Other Emotional Dance Moves

I've been learning lots of new moves this summer. For a while I was doing the Self-Pity Shuffle, then I tried the Boy-Crazy-Body-Roll, then it was the New-Guy Jitter, two days ago it was the Cloud-Nine Cha-Cha, now it's the Crazy-Girl Freak-Out. Welcome to my Type-A/Perfectionist Dance Party.

I met someone a couple weeks ago. I've been apprehensive about talking about it too much - I don't want to ruin it. He's a smart, polite, well-dressed, genuinely nice guy with a great job (can you believe it? I'm growing up just in time for my birthday next week). We've had a few good dates. The real beauty of the situation is that he's just so easy to be with. There's no hesitation, no guessing games, he calls when he says he will, shows up on time, and he's willing to play things by ear. It's all the benefits of "confident" without the "cocky." By now you may be familiar with my affinity for the Long-Distance Tango. This guy brings the best of both worlds - travels for work four days a week, but in town on the weekends. Seems perfect, right?

Then this morning I hear the tune that starts the dance. The words go something like this: "what if he doesn't call me next week?" "What if he's bored with me already?" "what if he thinks I'm too old for him?" and "Maybe I scared him off by revealing that I iron my pillow cases." By lunch time I've come up with at least two dozen scenarios and reasons why I should be worried. Of course it's just an indication that I might actually like this guy. Which begins the second verse: "don't get too excited too fast," "don't have too high of expectations," "don't plan any long weekend trips," "what if he thinks I'm pathetic because I have time to iron my pillow cases?" It's so ridiculous, but it's a catchy tune. All of this is amplified by the fact that I broke my own no-coffee rule and I have a horrible case of caffeine-induced anxiety.

I don't do the Pop and Drop, I don't think I can handle a Two-at-a-time Two-Step, nor am I really ready for a Relationship Waltz, so the Crazy-Girl Freak Out seems like a happy medium at the moment. My control-freak streak won't let me relax enough to do anything less - I'm not really one to be the wallflower either. It's my party and I'll dance how I want to.

Second Chances

I had this strange revelation last night that sometimes we keep ending up in the same circumstances until we learn the lesson we are supposed to learn.

The tagline on my MySpace page reads: "What's in store for me in the direction I do not take?" It's a Jack Kerouac quote that articulates my outlook on life. I often have a difficult time make decisions, because I always wonder "what if." Fortunately, once I make my choice I rarely look back or carry regrets. I was going through some mental metaphors on my run last night and I realized that I have recently experienced the answer to that question about a particular series of choices I made years ago.

I have occasionally wondered how would my life have been different had I not done X, or had I chosen to do X instead of Y. Funny thing is, I really don't think anything would have really changed. My behavior toward a certain person as an adult would probably have been the same as when I was in high school. I was often reminded of an old version of me when I was around this person. My decision-making pattern was the same with them as it had been in the past, but so different from the way I think and act apart from them. It's like watching a yourself in a dream - you know it's supposed to be you, but it's not, there's something un-you about it.

I wonder was this my chance to see my life in a "what if" perspective? It's rare that your past interacts so directly with your present, but I'm thankful, in this instance, that it did. It was sort of a gift, a brief answer to my overarching question: "what's in store for me in the direction I do not take?"

The point is, though, that I think we have opportunities for do-overs. There are specific lessons we are supposed to learn in order to become the people we are meant to be. So even if we mess it up the first time through, I think there's another shot to get it right later in life. The circumstances, events, and players may all be different, but the core is the same.

I'm struggling to identify the specific lesson in this, but I think it has to do with building integrity/being honest. I get myself in trouble when I give-in too quickly, when I fail to acknowledge and assert values that are important to me, when I let what someone else wants from me (or my interpretation of that) override what I want or what I think is best. It's worth mulling over a bit more - I want to avoid a make-up exam on this set of lessons.

Lost is a Wonderful Place to Be

I had an interesting conversation with a new friend the other night about picking up, leaving everything behind, and moving to Destination Unknown. Ultimately we decided that we are both too responsible to do anything of the sort, but the plan certainly has appeal.

The truth is the restlessness I've been feeling lately has more to do with the fact that I'm actually content and comfortable with my daily routine than with any unhappiness in where I am. It's just that having a routine AT ALL makes me long for more freedom and fewer obligations. Maybe I'm just refusing to grow up? Part of me wants to be a responsible, successful, adult. The other part just wants things to stay simple, fun.

The whole idea of growing up was much prettier when I was still a kid. I had a plan, the picture perfect plan - house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children, happy, successful husband who adored my cooking, etc., etc., all by the time I was 25. Now that I'm reaching 27 (gasp) and don't have any of those things (nor do I really want any of those things anymore), the picture's a bit blurry. What does my future adulthood look like now?

I've been trying to figure out when I decided that I don't want that picture perfect adult life. It struck me that when I was a Freshman at Florida State I attended a conference where I felt a strong calling from God to be a leader in my community, in government. It's something I still hold to as Truth. At that point I thought that in order to accomplish the things I believed God was calling me to do, I couldn't have the standard Mrs. Cleaver life that I had invisioned. (Perhaps that's not true, but it IS more difficult for women to have succesful political careers with a family in tow. This election may be changing all that - we'll see.) I have a specific memory of praying for God to take away at least my fear of not having those things, if not the desire for them. I wanted to be open and available for whatever plan He had in store. I remember crying as I said that prayer because it was so important to me at the time to be a wife and stay-at-home mom. I had completely forgotten about this until I was driving home and something triggered a flood of memories. I was willing to give up something so important and surrender it to God's will when I was 19 or 20, but I have been clinging to something so desperately now that obviously isn't meant for me.

My eligibility with the State Department expired last week. I can't decide whether to put that on hold for now, re-test, or just give it up and find a new dream. The loss of something I never had was suprisingly painful.

If you have read any number of my blog posts, you know my desire for children has all but evaporated, and I struggle with romantic relationships because as much as I long for companionship, I don't have any desire to be obligated to someone in any way that inhibits me from doing what I want to do. Long distance relationships are so appealing to me because they can only affect my day-to-day life as much as I let them. There's little demand on my time, and I only have to invest as much as a phone call or short visit when it's convenient.

In terms of finding a meaningful career, can it be just a matter asking for some Guidance? Praying that my desires are aligned with Gods? This is what I mean by simple: life was much easier when I KNEW everything was out my hands, and I was in His. Disappointment has taken a toll on my faith, and now it all seems so naive. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that mindset, but seeing those memories is like watching home video of someone else's life.

The wonderful thing about not having a set path or picture is that my future is Destination Unknown. In many ways I CAN leave everything behind and venture out into wide open spaces. All those who wander are not lost.

Sarah Palin, You just lost a Republican Woman's Vote

At one point, not so long ago, I fancied myself a Sarah Palin style Republican candidate for National Office: Ultra-Conservative, pictures of me shooting semi-automatic weapons, a wife and mother, anti-abortion, etc. After listening to her speak last night, and observing the RNC, I can't imagine ever wanting to look like that. It wasn't specific words that turned me off, but her demeanor, her attitude, her audience, what I know she stands for/against. Oh, how far I've come. It makes me sad to remember the day I participated in the Young College Republicans at Florida State, selling baked goods at half-price to black students, and full price to white students (affirmative action). I'm ashamed that I was on the local news my freshman year touting my conservatism as I cast a ballot for GW, the first time. And even more ashamed I cheered him on in debates against John Kerry four years later. Those were my convictions, at least I was honest about what I thought I wanted from national leaders. Those were much simpler times, when I could just take what political leaders said at face value, align myself to their terms, and go blissfully about my self-righteous political science studies.

Maybe I'm a cynic, maybe I'm more educated, maybe I've just become more open-minded. The fact of the matter is, I'm tired of politics-as-usual. As the cameras scanned the cheering, "Raising McCain" sign-waving crowds to the sounds of pop-country music, I searched for a face like mine. I searched for someone who cares about the same things I do. Not a one.

Perhaps I'm a product of my environment. Denver isn't the bulwark of conservative activity it once was (http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/01/080901fa_fact_lizza). I know I easily adapt the attitudes and behaviors of those with whom I keep close company - I have an overwhelming desire to "fit-in." But I can't believe that my change of political leanings can be completely attributed to my parasitic nature. I DO have some original thoughts and opinions.

As I watched the DNC activity in my own backyard just over a week ago, I wasn't entirely impressed with that either. I was inspired by Obama's acceptance speech - as an MLK Jr. junky and just as susceptible to Populism as the next person, why wouldn't I be? It made me want to be a better member of society, work to improve the world around me, contribute to something bigger than myself. But I can't trust him, so I'm not comfortable throwing my vote behind him, yet. Perhaps I can be convinced to throw caution to the wind and support the pretty words and idealism that are so attractive in my youth. I have plenty of years to be an old political fuddy-duddy, maybe this is the time in my life when I can claim to be idealistic and politically hopeful.

Such Great Heights

Everything looks perfect from far away . . . I'll stay.

Random Musings on a Friday

I realized that I've consistently posted new blogs on Fridays for the last several weeks. If that isn't an argument for a four-day work week, I don't know what is!

Honestly, this whole week has been a wash. I've never been so unproductive - and NOT cared that I've been so unproductive. I'm hitting the three-month mark as a full-time employee at Dill and Dill. I had this sense of dread on Wednesday evening (after spending at least 6 hours online planning four different vacation options for the long weekend) that this is my life. I've entered the phase in my life where I get up, go to work, drink my cup of tea, bullshit with my co-workers for about 30 minutes, avoid petty office politics, check my e-mail, respond to all the minor catastrophes that sprung up overnight (as with most things, small problems are blown way out of proportion - I think it's a human way of dealing with boredom - a way to inject some excitement into the work place), then type away on some obscenely irrelevant document and send it off in some obscenely egologically destructive method (Fed-Ex, UPS, DHL, etc.) so that Mr. So-and-So-Money-Bags can read it, sign it, and send it right back on the next jet plane. I'm not bitter; the novelty of my New Job is just wearing off, and the reality of it is sinking in. I can't express enough how thankful I am to have this job. I work with great people, in a very affirming environment, I learn something new everyday, I'm setting myself up very well for a debt-free future, I'm bulking up my resume, etc., etc. I am very, very blessed to be where I am.

In fact, this morning, I woke up smiling. Very consciously smiling. I felt utterly content. I've been struggling lately with feeling sorry for myself, wanting something I can't have, feeling a little lonesome in my one-bedroom apartment, but today was a different day all together. Perhaps I'm excited about the three-day weekend and the plans I have that are actually going to work out (look for some amazing photos on Tuesday), or maybe I really have reached a growing point where I've given up some unhealthy mental habits, and made a transition. Either way, it feels fantastic.

I think one of the things that spurred on all this positive energy is I read some posts and personal journal entries I wrote this time last year, and I was really encouraged to see how far I've come in these short twelve months. I made some significant changes, all for the better.

Something about the onset of Fall makes me nostalgic. Students are starting the new school year (I'm envious of all of them), football season is underway, my birthday is in less than a month, leaves change colors, it all just represents the start of something new. So it's no wonder I feel restless. I'm ready for new adventures, new interactions, new scenery. While three days away from civilization may not be the cure, I hope I can come back to the monotony and daily obligations of adult-life (where I don't really think I belong yet) with a renewed sense of purpose, or at least be too exhausted to do anything other than peck away at my keyboard.

"Remedies" by Allison Lotterhos

One of the best things about living in Colorado is that I can spend really good time with my siblings. For the first time I think we all behave much more like friends than like family - I mean that in a good way. There's still that element of security because we're family, but we've lost that rivalry all siblings harbor among each other. We genuiunely care about each other, spend time together, understand each other in a way that non-family members never will, and occasionally we have the opportunity to celebrate each others' accomplishments.

Last week my sister, Allison, released her debut album, Remedies; her original compositions on the Hammer Dulcimer. My brother helped record and produce, as well as contributing musically. My mom accompanied her on the violin. It was somewhat of a family affair. My Dad and I simply get to enjoy the beautiful clamorings (sometimes just clamorings) of our musically gifted family members. After watching the project progress over the summer, I was thrilled to attend the "Release Party" last Wednesday night at Boulder coffee house, The Burnt Toast.

When Allison took to the microphone, positioning it just over the strings of her instrument, the place fell silent. Even the homeless guy with the pink wig, wool skirt (over his jeans), and down vest stopped muttering to himself as she started to play. She was incredible, hands flying over the strings, mallets precisely striking each note with crystal clarity. After each tune, the small crowd erupted in applause, begging for more.

For me, the show was about more than the music. It was about seeing my sister blossom. She is so talented, but has struggled to find her niche for years. Since transitioning from playing Tenors in the marching band to composing her own music on the Hammer Dulcimer and Piano, she has taken her natural ability to the next level. She's focused and determined in a way that only a serious artist concentrates on their craft. The confidence she's gained through developing this skill has seeped into other aspects of her life as well. We had brunch yesterday, just enjoyed each other's company over Omelettes at the Golden Buff, talking, like friends and like sisters. I couldn't help but admire how well-spoken, honest, collected, and confident she is. Unlike me, she has been willing to rebel against some of the more conventional (and perhaps unhealthy?) social expectations. I'm just now reaching conclusions at which she arrived years ago. That's the funny thing about family - we may have started off in the same nest, but we are certainly ending up in different directions. She's at a really good place in her life. I'm really proud of her.

I'm taking a cue from her and seeking out the things that make me happy, make me shine, motivate me, regardless of how I think it may be perceived by others. I've wasted too much time being concerned about building and maintaining an image. While I understand that some of that is necessary in what I want to do with my life, but at what price? Sacrificing my freedom to discover who I was created to be? In the midst of trying to be who I thought I SHOULD be, who I thought other people thought I should be, I haven't always been honest. So now I struggle with the problem of aligning who I impressed myself to be, and who I really am. On this point, I envy my sister, because, in all our mistakes, she has refused to be anyone but her true self.

When I asked her about the title of her debut album, "Remedies," she replied,
"It's just like it sounds, these songs are remedies for me." I guess we each find our own therapy, our own salves for our own aches and pains. My remedies will not look like my sister's, nor should they; but I will certainly enjoy hers in the meantime, I know I won't be the only one!

Bruises

I have lots of bruises. I'm not clumsy I just do things that have potential for injury. I run in the mountains, climb rocks, play on the monkey bars at the park down the street, ride my bike too fast down hills, move objects that are far beyond my strength level, listen to my Ipod when I run, read while I walk, talk on the phone when I'm doing just about everything, etc. I've been really fortunate to not suffer greater injury than I have. No broken bones, no major surgeries, no blood transfusions or organ transplants. I was a very cautious child, terrified of physical pain. As I've grown up, I've learned to take greater risks and rely on my body and my instincts to keep me safe. In my running career (short though it may be), I'm one of the few people I know who's sole physical set-back is a persistent blister on the arch of my right foot.

Regardless, I have bumps and bruises from head to toe. The most recent is from my run yesterday. I was talking to my coach while we jogged side-by-side on a narrow sidewalk. I turned my head to acknowledge something she said and sideswiped myself with a street sign. I have a nice, long, black and blue bruise on the left side of my chest, right above my, uh, tender part. About a week ago I banged my shin on the platform at the end of the monkey bars in the park down the street (I'm practicing my gymnastics skills). I scraped up my knee on a huge, underwater rock when I was tubing two weeks ago, the skin is starting to grow back, over a lodged pebble. I have a scrape where a sharp branch attacked my neck when I was riding my bike through some thick foliage a few days ago.

The fun thing about bruises (0ther than bragging about how you got them) is giving them a gentle poke every once in awhile to see if it still hurts, gauge the healing process. Emotional bruises are kind of the same. Every so often I kind of poke around my heart to see how things are healing up. Like the bruise I obtained yesterday, some of the more recent offenses still smart. But injuries that have had more time to heal aren't as tender (like my knee). I was surprised to find this week during an occasional self-exam, that a more serious injury inflicted years ago didn't hold any pain when I gingerly pressed my fingertips to the spot. So I pushed a little harder; looking at old photos, reading old letters, having a conversation about it with someone involved. Still, nothing. I even had brief thought this morning that perhaps it's time to stop hiding it. I've kept it a secret for so long, and now I'm not sure why I need to anymore. There was a strong sense of guilt and shame associated with it. I felt a lot of judgment from people I trusted in regards to the whole issue. Even people I thought would be open-minded and supportive, criticized my ability to have a normal life and pursue my big dreams because of the seriousness of the wound. Now those sentiments don't seem to matter, if they still exist at all.

I've been thinking lately about how I try to please people. I work really hard to do things that I know the people I care about will appreciate. I get no small amount of pleasure out of it myself. I really like being the source of other peoples' happiness or, at least, temporary enjoyment. I love to cook for people. I like giving my friends things that I know they will really like and that demonstrates how well I know them and appreciate their individual tastes and interests. But at what point does my desire to make other people happy inhibit my own enjoyment of life?

I was out with this guy a few days ago who really wanted to talk about cars. He really liked cars. He had gone to a show of some kind and was all excited about a new model something that would go really fast, and was really shiny (though I'm sure his description was much more sophisticated). My interest in cars is limited to how many miles I can get from a gallon of gas, and the implications they have for the political debate on clean burning fuel and the energy crisis. At first I tried to listen, even tried to recall an articles I had read or something I had heard on NPR. After about 10 minutes of this conversation I realized I was putting too much energy into a discussion I couldn't give a rat's ass about. And for what? Too make this guy interested in me, or at least think that I was interesting.

I have to give myself a break on this too, because I genuinely enjoy connecting with people. I really like learning new things from people and engaging with them in something they enjoy. Another thing I really don't like is hockey. It's one sport in which I have zero interest. But I went to a hockey game with a guy this past spring because I knew it was something he liked, and I wanted to experience his world a little bit. It's like watching a movie you have no particular desire to see because the person you're with is really excited about it. Or reading a book that's important to someone even if it's in a style or on a subject matter that's outside my usual interest. So, I'm happy to compromise and make some concessions on minor things like this, but when it becomes too much work, I need to be willing to change the subject, or suggest a different activity that will make ME happy, regardless of what the other person's reaction will be.

In regards to healing bruises, and old war wounds, I would like to be more honest about myself with other people. I'm not quite ready to lay everything on the table - there is something to be said for discretion. But if an injury no longer bears pain, there's no reason to keep the ugly scar hidden. I'm not perfect, I haven't always made perfect decisions. I've had accidents and moments of weakness that resulted in cuts and bruises. I think one of my biggest fears in sharing some of these war stories and putting my scars on display is that people will judge my character based on these individual events. And while they may have had a major impact on me, I don't want to be boxed in or categorized based on them.

I'm still unwrapping the bandages, and evaluating the healing process on some of these bruises. Every so often I set off a lightening rod of pain with a touch, when I thought it would most certainly be healed. And other spots aren't as tender as their recent infliction should suggest.

The important lesson I'm learning is that I don't have to be the same scared, cautious girl I once was. Eventually all the bandages will come off, all things heal, and all scars will be displayed. It's just part of living a good, rich life, sometimes you get hurt. As long as I live with integrity and make the right choices, I can be confident and know that I was doing something I enjoy when I got that black and blue mark.

The Eureka Hunt

Very interesting article in the July 28, 2008 edition of the New Yorker. An abstract is available:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/07/28/080728fa_fact_lehrer
I think it's a really fascinating attempt to understand where those "Aha!" moments come from, physiologically.

Ride the White Horse

Since my post on Friday, I am singing a new tune. Turns out all it takes to change my outlook and attitude is a good cry, dinner with a fabulous friend, and a solid Sunday-morning run. I'm staying at my parents' house this weekend. I needed to come home, both literally and figuratively. I wanted to be in a safe place for a couple days. As much as I love my apartment, and living on my own, sometimes a girl just needs her Dad to take care of her. (As I think I've mentioned before, my "Daddy Issue" is that He loves me so much no man will ever be good enough.)

So today I feel safe, strong, secure, empowered. It's a good launching point, and just in time! I have a busy couple months coming up and I have got to get my act together if I'm going to succeed. The Denver Marathon is just 60 days away (October 19), the Las Vegas Marathon is 50 days after that (December 7), my birthday is just over a month away (September 23), and my weekend of too-much-fun with Whitney is the following weekend. In the midst of all this, I'm taking on the biggest client at the law firm where I work, working on a multi-million real estate deal that will have vast implications for clean energy production in Colorado (and for the US), and volunteering at the DNC next week.

The funny thing about depression is that it inhibits you from doing the very things you know you need to do to make things better. I get stuck focusing on the muck in the trench that traps me. I feel helpless, hopeless, and I sabotage my best attempts to climb out by refusing to do the things I enjoy. Just three days ago I sulking over the fact that soon I'll be 27 and I haven't done most of the things on my "list." Last night I was watching the Olympics when Constantina Tomescu Dita became the oldest woman to win a medal in the Women's Marathon at 38, and Dara Torres (44) took home two silver medals. Running this morning I reminded myself that I've got so much life to live! I often get stuck in this mindset of trying to do everything "right now." Acting as though if I don't do it now I may never get the chance to do it before I get bogged down with all the obligations of adulthood. I think the key is to keep those goals in sight and NOT get bogged down with those socially-imposed obligations. Who says I have to be married before I'm thirty? Who says I should have kids before I'm thirty-five, or own a home, or work 50 hours/week? None of those things will make ME happy. I'm learning to give up the expectations that others/society may have for me and just do what's best for me.

Eventually I want to go back to school. I really want to teach Political Science at the University level. So why don't I do that, you ask? Because I don't have to right now. School will always be an option for me. And right now, I have a good job, I'm making serious head-way on being Debt-Free, and I am becoming convinced that if I buckle down, work hard, make some good connections in the legal field, I will have the freedom to pursue my academic career in a couple years. Right now, I believe I am in a good place. While my free-spirit wants to pack up and move some place new and different every three months, I want to set myself up for success by sticking it out right now. Also, I still have military obligations that limit my ability to disappear as an ex-pat in Argentina. In the meantime, I'm going to try to satisfy my desire for escape with long runs in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains.

Weathering the Storm

I know I promised to stop with the self-pitying blog posts. But lately I've lost a friendship that was very important to me. At first I determined that it was only temporary and eventually we would repair our relationship. Over the last week I've realized that it's simply become an artifact of a past-life that neither of us particularly enjoy remembering. While I was trying to develop a future with this person, they were slowly, surely putting me on the shelf. My initial reaction to this recent realization was anger. I wanted to hurt them they way I felt hurt. I restrained myself from sending any snide e-mails or leaving any verbal jabs on their voicemail.

I was thinking about it last night while I was driving home from my parent's house. It was late, the roads were empty and it started to rain. I started crying. It was the first time I cried about this loss. I hadn't let myself acknowledge, physically, how much I was hurt by the whole thing. I was trying to force myself past it all without mourning the loss and letting myself FEEL a little hurt.

As I got into bed last night I started thinking about other times I've felt abandoned and hurt like this. I've dug myself out of worse ditches, I can do it again. For me, the best way to handle this is to make goals for myself and mark my progress. It's my way of putting one foot in front of the other. So I made my list of things to accomplish by the end of the month. My running schedule has been rather light. My refusal to cope with this issue has zapped my energy and I'd rather watch DVDs than do something I really enjoy. Number 1 on my list is to run 6 times before August 31. I quit my regular yoga practice because I couldn't find any peace in it, I rushed through the poses, rigid and blocked. No. 2: Take two classes at the studio down the street. I've let my apartment become a mess. No. 3: Put my clean laundry away. I've been so inwardly focused I've neglected people I care about. Nos 4 and 5: Call Dawn Miller, and research the volunteer opportunity with CASA one of my friends at work mentioned. In reality I let things fall apart because I just didn't want to deal with this one problem. All the while I kept telling myself that I was fine, I deserve to smile, I've got it together.

Today I'm starting fresh. I may NOT be okay. I might be hurting. I might not be exactly where I want to be. I may not have everyone/everything I want. But I can face this disappointment, like every one in the past, tackle it, and come out stronger in the end - with a little more emotional fortitude.

You may think my daily horoscope reading is silly. And it is. But sometimes I find something worthwhile, like this morning:

"There has been some growing distance between you and a friend, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Don't worry that the relationship is coming to an end. Friendships are not always just about having fun: They should be about growing, too. And growing pains are inevitable. You two are good for each other, so focus on that. It's important for you to respect them and accept their opinions, even if you don't agree with them. Value the history you shared together."

If that's all there is left of this friendship - history - then I need to acknowledge that, give up any hopes of reviving what we once shared, and move forward in that new mindset and heartset. Even though I will never find a replacement, I can find a temporary substitute until he doesn't matter anymore.

Live High

Last week was a particularly frustrating and stressful week at work. The pettiness of office drama and the overt under-handedness among co-workers is becoming near intolerable. To me, the amount of work I have to do is not a matter of ego. But some people seem to think that because they work 8 hours of overtime a week they work harder, are more valuable, and more important than those of us who only work our mere 40 hours. So when I was confronted by a co-worker returning from 3 weeks out of the office about how I had handled her case-load while she was gone, I was happy to hand everything back over to her; until she quit. Now she's hovering over my shoulder, nitpicking every little detail, complaining to the client that she just doesn't know what's going to happen to their cases since she's leaving, etc. My only problem with the situation is that she is trying to hold me accountable to procedures that she never bothered to tell me in the two weeks I was available to train with her.

I reached the peak of my frustration when she lost one of the signed original documents required for the application and then accused me of being disorganized. I have to make a side note here that while to most people I may seem disorganized in my personal life (if you've ever taken a ride in my car, you know), but at work, I am meticulous. It's an army skill.

The real silver lining in all of this is the fact that in the midst of it all, I never bitched and moaned to my boss, my co-workers, or anyone else (though I graciously pointed out the source of my frustration in specific instances to the "higher-ups") I never said an unkind or impatient word to her. I never made made snide comments or argued with her. I know that while it is very important to be right and for justice to be served, it is even more important to be known as someone who is humble, cooperative, teachable, and patient in every circumstance. Besides, she's gone in two weeks and then it won't matter one bit if she lost the paperwork or belabored me with minutiea; what WILL matter is how my co-workers and supervisors remember how well I handled a diffcult situation. I'm very proud of the way I handled myself and completed my tasks. I hope I can say the same thing at the end of this week! Bring it on - a test of character is a challenge I can relish!

I like my Drinks like I like my Men. . .

Tall and Strong.

I was looking at an old online profile I set up for something I never use. In the section that asked what my favorite drink is I responded with the line above. I laughed at what my previous version had written, because it was something I never would have said out loud, except my closest friends, and in jest - I was too afraid to admit that I liked men (a lot) in general. It got me thinking though: How do I like my men? Do I have a certain "type" that I gravitate toward? So I started thumbing through my mental files of boys, guys, and men that I've dated and/or had casual romantic encounters with. Really, the only consistent thing that catches my attention is that I dig Narcissists. Of course I have a physical type I'm attracted to: Tall, Dark and Handsome. (My newest Hearthrob certainly fits this description!) But personality-wise I'm pretty consistent as well. I really like guys who are totally self-absorbed. I think it's the confidence thing that accompanies that trait. Self-depricating humor is such a turn-off. I don't have energy to waste trying to feel sorry for someone or trying to make him feel better about himself. That just feels like manipulation, and I get enough of that from my Grandmother.

I went out a few times with a guy recently who was super nice, but he need so much assurance that I was having a nice time with him. He wouldn't take any liberties with me because he was so insecure about whether or not I wanted to be there in the first place. I quickly got bored and frustrated, so I stopped returning his phone calls. I felt bad at first for blowing him off, but really, I didn't need to waste his time or mine.

Then there's this guy I work with. Who I know is really in to me. But he'll hardly look at me when he says "hello" and his attempts at asking me out have been painfully awkward. I'm not interested, and I'm happy to let him slip quietly and swiftly into the "Friend Zone" partly because I know he'll never have the guts to make a real move. We went to a baseball game together (I was able to decipher the fact that he was inviting me to do something) and I scored a date with another guy right in front of him, and he just stood by without a peep. Maybe I'm cruel, but he shouldn't let me walk all over him!

The guys that I really enjoy remembering - all totally self-absorbed. What can I say, Narcisism is hot!

I know it's a cliche that girls only like jerks and "nice guys finish last." I admit, I fit that stereotype. I like strong men who don't ask permission - they think they're entitled, so they go after what they want. The problem is that they are so in love with themselves they can hardly recognize how fabulous I am, then they get bored and stop calling me. It's a vicious cycle, but I'm interested in getting out of it anytime soon. It's the viciousness that keeps things interesting. Maybe when I'm actually ready to settle down, the self-absorbed assholes won't seem so appealing. Until then, I'll be a cliche.

Life in Technicolor

Some experiences make you see the world in such vivid colors. The sky looks bluer than ever, the sun shines brighter, the breeze blows softer and cooler, etc. etc. Life is grand and you feel full, whole, content. Your soul sings and you just smile.



This weekend helped me realized how incredibly blessed I am. I ran the Wild West Relay - a 195 mile race from Fort Collins to Steamboat Springs. I was a last-minute addition to a team sponsored by a friend's husband's company. They needed one more runner for their team and I wanted to torture myself by running insanely long distances over high altitude mountain passes - really I just needed to get out of town and get in to something new, different, change things up a bit. It was a perfect opportunity. It was probably one of the best weekends of my life.



I really thrive on adventure - doing new things, meeting new people, seeing new places, challenging myself. I'm at a point in my life where I am comfortable enough with myself and confident enough in my abilities that I can really relish taking some risks. I always surprise myself with how fast I am, or how strong I am, or how friendly I am, or how well I can relate to people, or how quickly I learn a new skill.



On the drive home yesterday I was deliciously exhausted and it hit me that I am exactly where I need to be right now, living my life how I want to be living it. I am taking hold of the life that I want, life that is truly life. It may not be perfect, it may not even be what I thought or expected. But I'm not perfect, I'm me, and I'm just right for what I am purposed to do.



Walking in to work this morning was a different sensation altogether. As long as I keep doing things that excite me and thinking and acting in a way that allows me to be free, I can certainly carry the adventure over into my daily life.

Activating my Love Corner (Fun with Feng Shui)

I'm playing with Feng Shui and changing the location of things to try and adjust the energies in my life. One of my favorite attempts at this is when I go to Rockies' games I sit in one place for a while and if the game starts taking a turn for the worse, I move. I've decided that if I can change the energy by moving, the outcome of the game might change. My friend Adam (my baseball game buddy) just laughs and moves along. I think it's working though - the Rockies have won 9 of their last 10 games and scored over 10 runs per game in many of them.

When it comes to dating I'm applying the same principals. My dating guru, Ivy has suggested that I "activate the love corner" in my room to change the energy and un-block my romantic channels (sounds a little dirty huh?). So I put a lamp AND an air freshener in my "love corner." Maybe that means I'll attract men who have something going on upstairs AND smell nice? Not sure exactly how it's supposed to work - but all I can say is that my channels are starting to flow!