Lost is a Wonderful Place to Be

I had an interesting conversation with a new friend the other night about picking up, leaving everything behind, and moving to Destination Unknown. Ultimately we decided that we are both too responsible to do anything of the sort, but the plan certainly has appeal.

The truth is the restlessness I've been feeling lately has more to do with the fact that I'm actually content and comfortable with my daily routine than with any unhappiness in where I am. It's just that having a routine AT ALL makes me long for more freedom and fewer obligations. Maybe I'm just refusing to grow up? Part of me wants to be a responsible, successful, adult. The other part just wants things to stay simple, fun.

The whole idea of growing up was much prettier when I was still a kid. I had a plan, the picture perfect plan - house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children, happy, successful husband who adored my cooking, etc., etc., all by the time I was 25. Now that I'm reaching 27 (gasp) and don't have any of those things (nor do I really want any of those things anymore), the picture's a bit blurry. What does my future adulthood look like now?

I've been trying to figure out when I decided that I don't want that picture perfect adult life. It struck me that when I was a Freshman at Florida State I attended a conference where I felt a strong calling from God to be a leader in my community, in government. It's something I still hold to as Truth. At that point I thought that in order to accomplish the things I believed God was calling me to do, I couldn't have the standard Mrs. Cleaver life that I had invisioned. (Perhaps that's not true, but it IS more difficult for women to have succesful political careers with a family in tow. This election may be changing all that - we'll see.) I have a specific memory of praying for God to take away at least my fear of not having those things, if not the desire for them. I wanted to be open and available for whatever plan He had in store. I remember crying as I said that prayer because it was so important to me at the time to be a wife and stay-at-home mom. I had completely forgotten about this until I was driving home and something triggered a flood of memories. I was willing to give up something so important and surrender it to God's will when I was 19 or 20, but I have been clinging to something so desperately now that obviously isn't meant for me.

My eligibility with the State Department expired last week. I can't decide whether to put that on hold for now, re-test, or just give it up and find a new dream. The loss of something I never had was suprisingly painful.

If you have read any number of my blog posts, you know my desire for children has all but evaporated, and I struggle with romantic relationships because as much as I long for companionship, I don't have any desire to be obligated to someone in any way that inhibits me from doing what I want to do. Long distance relationships are so appealing to me because they can only affect my day-to-day life as much as I let them. There's little demand on my time, and I only have to invest as much as a phone call or short visit when it's convenient.

In terms of finding a meaningful career, can it be just a matter asking for some Guidance? Praying that my desires are aligned with Gods? This is what I mean by simple: life was much easier when I KNEW everything was out my hands, and I was in His. Disappointment has taken a toll on my faith, and now it all seems so naive. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that mindset, but seeing those memories is like watching home video of someone else's life.

The wonderful thing about not having a set path or picture is that my future is Destination Unknown. In many ways I CAN leave everything behind and venture out into wide open spaces. All those who wander are not lost.