Looking for Love (In all the Wrong Places)

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships; trying to figure out why I can't seem to make one work. I was flipping through my mental card catalogue of boys/guys/men with whom I've been involved (or uninvolved) romantically, drawing comparisons and attempting to find a common denominator. The solution may simply be that the timing just isn't right for me to meet Mr. Right; and I'm fine with that. But since I'm female (read "crazy") I have to analyze, to a point that defies reason, why I can't find one that sticks, or that makes me want to stick. The result is this anthology of failed relationships:

1) The First One: I had my first real crush when I was 7. I hated him at first because he threw spit wads at me in Sunday School, splashed water in my face in the swimming pool, and kicked sand at me on the softball field. After several weeks of this harassment, I was a tearful mess. I didn't understand why he was being so mean. My Mom playfully assured me that this is just how boys act if they think a girl is cute. With this realization I quickly developed a crush. I don't remember ever having a single exchange of words with the boy, but I do remember the endless teasing that resulted after I tried to kiss him. I had never been so embarrassed.

2) The One I told to "Eat Dirt": I have a memory from when I was 9 about a big-eyed boy in our homeschool playgroup who kept staring at me on the playground. I thought he was weird and it made me uncomfortable but my friend assured me that he just liked me. So, to prove to my friend that I was not going to let some boy ruin our fun, I marched over to him on the tire swing, stamped my foot and told him to stop staring at me and go eat dirt.

3) The One Who Thought He was Smarter: In 7th grade, my final year of homeschooling I beat out a boy for a spot in the National Geographic State-Wide Geography Bee. He was always such a know-it-all, but he was relatively nice, and I starting putting on make-up whenever his family came over. He had won the local competition the year before and not passed the test to get into the State Competition. When I won the local contest, he assured me that there was no way I would pass the test to go to State since he had not passed. When I well exceeded the necessary score to move ahead, he reasoned that the test must have been easier than when he took it. I refused to speak to him from that point forward.

4) The One Who Asked Me Out: In 8th grade, my first year in public school, I was painfully shy and scared to tears of most of my peers. When one of the "popular" guys asked me to "go out" with him, I quietly, and snobbishly refused - knowing it was a chance for him to make a fool of me. "Why not?" he asked.
"I like someone else," I lied.
He walked back to his group of friends, laughing and clutching his chest like I had broken his heart.

5) The One I Pursued: My freshman year of high school I took the initiative and told a boy that I liked him, and that if he wanted to hang out sometime, I would be interested. He just smiled, said, "okay, see you later," closed the door and avoided me for the next 8 years. AWKWARD.

6) The One Who "Ruined My Life": So I'm being a little dramatic about this one, but at the time, I really thought my life was over. It was a long, confusing, back and forth relationship that preoccupied most of my high school life. Really, the only reason I can remember for starting to date the guy in the first place was because he was really interested in my best friend but she had rejected him and he wanted someone to talk to. I think he hoped that I would put in a good word on his behalf, but I ended up being a much easier target. Really, what I regret about this whole period was the friendships and relationships I missed out on because I was so concerned with making him happy. I lied to my parents and pretty much anyone I knew to be with the guy, and ended up deeply hurt and very alone.

7) The Good One*: There are some guys/men who are worth their weight in gold. These are the ones who make you feel special, valuable, beautiful, even at your worst. We never had more than a close friendship, but things he said to me years ago, and our interactions still stay with me. In many ways, he's an ideal. Even after we went our separate ways we maintained a frequent, respectful and delightful correspondence. Our differences on the most touchy subjects were never an issue, and our conversations of such topics were always intelligent, civil, respectful, and enriching. He's happy and successful; I can't imagine anyone who deserves it more.

8) The Wrong One (in all the right ways): When I first met him he had BO, he was awkward, abrasive, defensive, and intense. These days, he's still defensive and intense, but he's also confident, driven, and passionate (last time I saw him, he smelled pretty damn good too). He chased me, I chased him. We have both been through our series of good and bad relationships. We never saw eye to eye on much of anything, and trying to encourage each other started feeling like a chore. I was in a constant state of confusion with him - never really knowing what he wanted from me (because he never really knew himself). Plus it just never made sense. When I first started feeling something for him, it didn't fit into my idea of what my life and my man should look like, so I fought it. I degenerated into a spiteful, selfish, petty, scared, girl with him. But no one has ever made me laugh so hard. When I was with him and things were good, they were so good, none of that other stuff mattered.

9) The One Who Was Perfect: Everything about him was just right. He wanted the same things out of life as me, heading the same direction, believed all the same things, said all the right words, smart, funny (in a quirky way), polite, hard-working, adventurous, athletic, tall, dark, handsome. I never figured out how to overcome my shyness to really talk to him. As much as we enjoyed each others' company, it was never comfortable. As much as I admire(d) him, I kept waiting for him to initiate, and when he finally did, I didn't know how to react, got scared, and turned him down. Certainly one of the nicest guys in the world. I know that whoever he is with is very, very happy.

10) The Democrat: There are many ways I could describe him, but at the time, his political affiliation was what mattered. I was in my staunch conservative days and he was so very liberal, that I couldn't help but be attracted to him. He was willing to discuss and debate everything, openly, evenly, and respectfully. I fell in love with the fact that he respected me enough to have a heated debate, and we never left with hard feelings. (Actually, this is probably the only thing wrong with #9 - he refused to have a political discussion - or any kind of serious discussion about anything which we may have disagreed.) He took me to baseball games, did crossword puzzles with me, but when I mentioned visiting him at school, he freaked out, froze up, and stopped calling. He did give me a very nice goodbye present and a heartfelt card. He very graciously called every couple days to check on me after my move to Kansas before he vanished. No amount of googling and Facebook stalking has rendered any results.

11) The Nice Guy: I initially blew him off as boring. So nice, I wouldn't go out with him more than a few times because I was afraid I would just hurt his feelings. Now he's a good friend and someone that I often compare the man of the moment to. Few measure up, but I still can't find it in me to fall for him.

12) The Unrequited One*: This is the guy with whom I interact often, as a friend. But I know that if I were to ever, for one second, indicate romantic interest, he would be at my beckon call. Again, he's so nice, but so very awkward, and so self-deprecating (usually his attempt at humor), that I could never bring myself to date him, even if I did find him mildly attractive. He epitomizes the "nice guys finish last" adage. I feel guilty now for even including him in the list - but I feel like it's somewhat characteristic of many relationships. I often get myself in trouble because what I consider to be friendliness and kindness gets confused with romantic interest. He IS pleasant company, and it's always nice to be adored. However, I try very hard to never be in a position where I could be accused of leading him on.

13) Mr. Right-Now: Any random guy will do at this point, except of course the ones that are actually attractive or interesting. It's easiest, I've found, to just keep things simple so I don't actually have to care about the guys I'm dating. Low risk. When I, inevitably, get bored after a couple weeks, I don't care when he stops calling. Last week, the guy that I was most excited about asked whether I had other dates lined up with other guys while he was out of town because he doesn't want a relationship. I wasn't sure how to take that, but I was relieved, nonetheless. I'm not in a position to be in a relationship either, but the fact that he wasn't willing to commit to me stung a bit. On Monday, I had resolved that this was good and I was totally okay with just seeing him when I see him. By Wednesday I was on a date with a different guy. Today, I won't blink an eye if I don't hear from him when he's back in town. I've been anticipating this outcome for the last two weeks. My strategy these days is to keep at least two in the queue; so when one drops out, I always have back-ups. So far, it's working fairly well. Easy come, easy go.

I'm really okay with where I am in my life. I've never really played the dating game, so it's a learning experience - and I've always been a good student. But I'm puzzled as to why a smart, beautiful, fun, easy-going, woman like myself can't get a man. I heard a theory earlier this summer that men only want bitches. I don't think I fit into that category (yet), maybe that's my problem? Really, I think it's a matter of wrong place, wrong time. When the time is right, I'll find love - inconvenient, ridiculous, all-consuming love - with someone who is willing to put in all time and effort that I deserve.

* These were late additions that, after careful consideration, had to make the cut.