Weathering the Storm

I know I promised to stop with the self-pitying blog posts. But lately I've lost a friendship that was very important to me. At first I determined that it was only temporary and eventually we would repair our relationship. Over the last week I've realized that it's simply become an artifact of a past-life that neither of us particularly enjoy remembering. While I was trying to develop a future with this person, they were slowly, surely putting me on the shelf. My initial reaction to this recent realization was anger. I wanted to hurt them they way I felt hurt. I restrained myself from sending any snide e-mails or leaving any verbal jabs on their voicemail.

I was thinking about it last night while I was driving home from my parent's house. It was late, the roads were empty and it started to rain. I started crying. It was the first time I cried about this loss. I hadn't let myself acknowledge, physically, how much I was hurt by the whole thing. I was trying to force myself past it all without mourning the loss and letting myself FEEL a little hurt.

As I got into bed last night I started thinking about other times I've felt abandoned and hurt like this. I've dug myself out of worse ditches, I can do it again. For me, the best way to handle this is to make goals for myself and mark my progress. It's my way of putting one foot in front of the other. So I made my list of things to accomplish by the end of the month. My running schedule has been rather light. My refusal to cope with this issue has zapped my energy and I'd rather watch DVDs than do something I really enjoy. Number 1 on my list is to run 6 times before August 31. I quit my regular yoga practice because I couldn't find any peace in it, I rushed through the poses, rigid and blocked. No. 2: Take two classes at the studio down the street. I've let my apartment become a mess. No. 3: Put my clean laundry away. I've been so inwardly focused I've neglected people I care about. Nos 4 and 5: Call Dawn Miller, and research the volunteer opportunity with CASA one of my friends at work mentioned. In reality I let things fall apart because I just didn't want to deal with this one problem. All the while I kept telling myself that I was fine, I deserve to smile, I've got it together.

Today I'm starting fresh. I may NOT be okay. I might be hurting. I might not be exactly where I want to be. I may not have everyone/everything I want. But I can face this disappointment, like every one in the past, tackle it, and come out stronger in the end - with a little more emotional fortitude.

You may think my daily horoscope reading is silly. And it is. But sometimes I find something worthwhile, like this morning:

"There has been some growing distance between you and a friend, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Don't worry that the relationship is coming to an end. Friendships are not always just about having fun: They should be about growing, too. And growing pains are inevitable. You two are good for each other, so focus on that. It's important for you to respect them and accept their opinions, even if you don't agree with them. Value the history you shared together."

If that's all there is left of this friendship - history - then I need to acknowledge that, give up any hopes of reviving what we once shared, and move forward in that new mindset and heartset. Even though I will never find a replacement, I can find a temporary substitute until he doesn't matter anymore.