Second Chances

I had this strange revelation last night that sometimes we keep ending up in the same circumstances until we learn the lesson we are supposed to learn.

The tagline on my MySpace page reads: "What's in store for me in the direction I do not take?" It's a Jack Kerouac quote that articulates my outlook on life. I often have a difficult time make decisions, because I always wonder "what if." Fortunately, once I make my choice I rarely look back or carry regrets. I was going through some mental metaphors on my run last night and I realized that I have recently experienced the answer to that question about a particular series of choices I made years ago.

I have occasionally wondered how would my life have been different had I not done X, or had I chosen to do X instead of Y. Funny thing is, I really don't think anything would have really changed. My behavior toward a certain person as an adult would probably have been the same as when I was in high school. I was often reminded of an old version of me when I was around this person. My decision-making pattern was the same with them as it had been in the past, but so different from the way I think and act apart from them. It's like watching a yourself in a dream - you know it's supposed to be you, but it's not, there's something un-you about it.

I wonder was this my chance to see my life in a "what if" perspective? It's rare that your past interacts so directly with your present, but I'm thankful, in this instance, that it did. It was sort of a gift, a brief answer to my overarching question: "what's in store for me in the direction I do not take?"

The point is, though, that I think we have opportunities for do-overs. There are specific lessons we are supposed to learn in order to become the people we are meant to be. So even if we mess it up the first time through, I think there's another shot to get it right later in life. The circumstances, events, and players may all be different, but the core is the same.

I'm struggling to identify the specific lesson in this, but I think it has to do with building integrity/being honest. I get myself in trouble when I give-in too quickly, when I fail to acknowledge and assert values that are important to me, when I let what someone else wants from me (or my interpretation of that) override what I want or what I think is best. It's worth mulling over a bit more - I want to avoid a make-up exam on this set of lessons.