Come on Get Higher

Life just could not be better at this point.

Last time I expressed this sentiment, it was tainted with my anxiety about waiting for the shoe to drop - for the next disappointment. I got it.

This time around, I don't have any sense that the floor is about to drop out from underneath me. I feel safe with where I am and more importantly with who I am.

I had a great realization this summer. It started the weekend of the Wild West Relay. I really admire my friend Christine for always being herself. She's comfortable in her own skin, at peace with who she is, what she wants out of life, and that really emanates. Observing her that weekend made me realize that I put a lot of undue pressure on myself to be perfect. I get really frustrated when I don't feel like my life is picture-perfect. But what I saw in Christine is that she's not perfect either (by perfect I mean adhering to a social standard that is unrealistic and unobtainable for most women) but she likes, no loves, who she is. I want that to be true of me.

So I've tried cutting myself some slack this summer, loosening up a bit, relaxing my unrealistic expectations for perfection. For example, if I skip a training run, I don't kick myself over it for days and tell myself that I'm hopeless and pathetic and I'll never make anything of myself if I can't have the discipline to go for a 45 minute run. Or, if I eat a bite-sized Butterfinger out of the candy dish at work, I no longer berate myself for the rest of the day. It sounds a little extreme, I know; but I so easily believed the lies inside my head, and it's quite liberating to ignore them these days and just enjoy myself a little more.

When it comes to dating, it's had a revolutionary effect. I have always been so insecure around men because I was afraid they wouldn't be attracted to me because I'm not a perfect size 4 with size C breasts. I acted aloof, cold, disinterested, because I was so afraid of being rejected. Rather, I developed "bizarre semi-romantic" relationships with male friends because they were safe. These days I am learning to get over myself and open up a little - believing that if guys initiate with me, make eye contact, smile, that it's a safe assumption they are at least somewhat attracted to me. Even more important is the realization that if I make eye contact, smile, give an encouraging touch, men respond well to me.

I'm seeing someone for the first time in a while - actually dating him; not just doing the stupid, confusing shit I have done for years. And it's easy, fun, comfortable, stimulating. I look forward to seeing him, and everything about his behavior indicates that he likes seeing me.

I read Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin earlier this summer. It's a light, summertime chick novel that happened to be quite cathartic for me. I loved one of the analogies the main character used in comparing her relationship with her ex-boyfriend and her relationship with her husband: One was like climbing a mountain at night, in the rain, the other was like laying on the beach on a beautiful summer day. Her resolution was that the beach wins, everytime. Unfortunately I like climbing mountains at night, in the rain and a day laying on the beach gets boring pretty quick. But I think when it comes to men, I need someone more like a day at the beach. Everything doesn't have to be hard, but I seem to have a knack for making it that way.

This time around I'm trying to relax, bask in the sun a little (with proper SPF coverage, of course), and just take it for what it is. I'm in unfamiliar territory, but I AM one for adventure.