Taking Hold of a Life that is Truly Life

This week made me realize that I am not being very intentional to live the life that I want and believe I can have.

I went to work everyday in a great mood. The weather was beautiful. Even though I've been tired, I'm feeling healthy and preparing for the next big race. As soon as I walked through those heavy wooden doors each morning, my level of happiness fell from a 10 to about a 4. As the day progressed, my mood continued to fall. By about 2:30 every afternoon, I was counting the seconds until 5:00.

The office politics that I can usually avoid seemed to affect me more directly this week. I was bitterly reminded by a co-worker that So-and-so "will stab you in the back while giving you a hug," after experiencing this truth myself. The holidays always usher in the typical end-of-year financial concerns. It's put everyone on edge and the tension is palpable. Personally, I'm used to living on a shoestring budget. I still have a fair amount of stress related to money, but it's become my lifestyle rather than a temporary threat to my lifestyle. So I just accept that I can't afford to do all the things I want to do AND fulfill all my financial obligations. For people who haven't had to tighten their budget significantly in a very long time, they seem to take out their frustration on everyone around them. So, while I can't really blame people for being more spiteful and bitter than usual, I don't appreciate being the target of their anger.

So everyday I was reminded of how much I dislike working for someone else. I want to be in a position where I can control what I do with my day and how I spend my time and resources. And I would really like to have resources to allocate to things that I care about, rather than just dishing out a large majority of my income to pay bills. I want to be free to spend time doing things I care about and enjoy. I'm taking advantage of a new opportunity that has presented itself. I'm letting go of my fear of failing. I'm trying to ignore the petty little voice in my head that asks "what will people think?" Because if I never try, I'll never actually succeed. I've tried scary things this year, and they've turned out really well. I've learned that I'm capable of greater things than I knew.