The Hurdle

If you know me, or even if you've just read this blog occasionally over the last couple years, you know a little bit about my struggle to get my dream job. After having all but completely given up on it, I'm making another run for it.

In April 2005, I took and passed the Foreign Service Office Test and was extended an invitation to the Oral Assessment the following spring. I completed and passed that, and was added to the list of eligible candidates. I counted myself blessed and rejoiced in the fact that within a few short months I would be doing exactly what I was created to do - a rare gift that I know not everyone experiences. God had other plans (and doesn't he always?).

I have always been healthy. I've never had headaches or asthma or severe allergies or sinus problems, broken bones remain unknown to me, I had the chicken pox for a week when I was 10 and that was the sickest I think I've ever been in my whole life. And it was also an awesome week because I watched every single episode of I Love Lucy that my mom could find on VHS.

After the Oral Assessment, candidates for the Foreign Service must complete a background check, medical  clearance and security clearance. Background check was no problem and I was awarded my State Department Security Clearance before my DOD clearance which had been initiated 6 months prior. The hiccup was in my medical clearance. Before I left for Fort Jackson the summer of 2006 to finish AIT for the Army, I completed the standard physical, including all required blood work. My white blood cell counts were off, but by the time the anomoly had been discovered, I was happily sweating my ass off in training with no opportunity to repeat the tests.

I moved to Colorado in September, expecting to live with my parents until January, when I was certain I would be shipping off to begin my work at an embassy or consulate overseas. I quickly repeated all the medical tests, and once again, my white blood cell counts were off. I was referred to a hematologist for a bone marrow biopsy. Uninsured (I was working at a restaurant), and frightened, I delayed the test until after Christmas.

By the time all the tests had come back normal, I had dropped so far down on the eligible candidate list that my chances of actually getting an assigment had shrunk to nil. The battery of medical exams with questionable results (all tests came back normal in the end) and the extended amount of time it took to obtain a medical clearance was enough to sink that ship. I was crushed. Ever since I've been too timid to pursue challeging work. I've let that fear keep me in positions where I can skate by without much effort. I gave up.

Now, after several years of jobs that are unchallenging, uninteresting, and lead absolutely no where that I want to be, it's time to resuscitate my dream. I have almost 8 years of military experience now, a husband who can live and work anywhere in the world, some real-world work experience, and motivation to start living the life I am meant to live.

I trust that God has a plan. I trusted that God was sovereign in the midst of my medical mishaps. I sincerely believe that God gives us talents, skills, desires and dreams to fulfill his plan for our lives, and to glorify him by using those gifts to the best of our ability. If my only hurdle is the fear of being disappointed again, then it's time to jump it and move on.

House Hunting, Job Hunting, and the Pursuit of Happiness

A lot has changed since my last post. Jim and I decided not to make our big international move this year. When it came down to it, we really like living in Denver, and Saudi Arabia just doesn't hold the same appeal. So we've moved in the exact opposite direction and decided to buy a house here. After several months of searching, finding, and losing houses, we finally put one under contract! It was a long lesson in patience and faith. While this house may not be our dream house, I had to realize that it doesn't have to be our dream house in order for it to be a good place to live right now. We're very excited about getting the inspection wrapped up and getting settled into our first house.

Since the end of June, I've been essentially unemployed and looking for a new job. I finally pulled the plug at Dill and Dill and have not looked back once. There are several opportunities in the pipeline, one in particular I hope works out. There are certainly moments of self-doubt, and soul-searching as I try to determine what it is I actually want to do. I've considered going back to school for my PhD, but decided against it for now. I've flirted with government work and politics for years now, but am finally letting that dream go, for now. Not because I don't think I could be successful, but because I think I need to focus on developing a professional skill set, building a network, and generally learning and growing. I am searching for a vocation, a calling, right now.

Similarly, I've been able to work almost full-time with my Army Reserve unit this month. I really do love being in the Army. I have rarely worked in a environment where I feel so valued and respected. I work hard, I encourage those around me to work hard, I accomplish things, and make a significant contribution. It's encouraging, especially after working in an environment for three years where nothing I did was appreciated and there was absolutely no motivation to work hard. There was no challenge and no potential for challenge or opportunity for growth. It's refreshing to know that if I work hard I'll receive bigger and better assignments, I'll get promoted, I'll have more opportunities to keep proving myself and improving my own skills. I think it's a real possibility, down the road, to work in a full-time active duty position with the Army.

The future is bright and I'm excited about new opportunities.

Becoming Productive

As Jim and I are contemplating a big international move this year, I'm growing more and more excited about how I will be using my time during our time overseas. Nothing is official yet, but it certainly looks like it's going to happen, enshallah. The biggest struggle for me about the move, is that I will not likely have a paying job while we're there, and my personal freedoms will be severely limited. I'm not afraid of living in a part of the world that's not receptive to Americans (especially American women), but I am afraid of being bored. Well, I was afraid of being bored. It turns out there are lots of things I could do with all that free time.

The most exciting prospect right now is the potential to gather data on collective action in a closed society. With all the recent anti-government movements around the world, and particularly in the Middle East, it poses an interesting question.

I'll keep you updated on the move as we get closer to making our decision and securing employment for Jim.

Snow Bound

It's a quiet, cold day in Denver. Schools are closed across the state and those of us who don't have to brave the icy roads to get to work and turn the money wheel, are restricting ourselves to the indoors. There is talk that it's actually colder in Denver than in Antarctica today; I don't want to know what people are saying in Chicago.

Today may very well be may last day of part-time freedom. So I'm enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend at a local coffee shop just down the street from my apartment. Tomorrow I may very likely be returning to Dill and Dill full time. After five months of alternative employment, I'm struggling with the thought of going back to a place that made me so miserable. Why am I willingly returning? Really, it's a job. It pays my bills. It's not even remotely satisfying, and most days it's downright infuriating. But the thought of a full-on job hunt right now is even more discouraging than returning to a full paying job that I hate.

Maybe I'm making excuses, but with the plan to move to the Middle East to teach English with Jim looming just around the corner, it's hard for me to pursue something new. While I'm afraid of not being able to find a job at all, I'm really afraid of finding a job I love and then having to leave it in 6 or 8 months. Maybe the problem is that I don't really know what I want to do. It all seemed so simple and straight-forward when I was in college. Then I went to grad school, moved to Colorado, and things became complicated. I don't think it's so much about "finding myself," but finding work that I love. I'm quite envious of people who have jobs and careers that they care about, that they can dedicate themselves too. I want that. Perhaps I want purpose. Perhaps I need to find purpose outside of work. Perhaps I need to realize that my worth is not only related to what I do for work. 

A Crisis of Literary Proportions

This morning I received a Recommendations e-mail from Barnes & Noble. I opened it hoping for suggestions of new books to enjoy, based on my recent purchases. When the only suggestions listed were for teen romance/adventure novels, I felt a wash of shame come over me. I've recognized this problem, as I indicated in my New Years Resolutions note on Facebook. I didn't realize the seriousness of my addiction until this morning.

I used to be such a good reader. I remember a time, not that long ago when I eagerly devoured thick volumes about important historical figures like Martin Luther King Jr. and Teddy Roosevelt, and political leaders like Hugo Chavez and Aung San Suu Ki. Even as a child I remember reading an entire series on British Monarchs. In the last two months I’ve read seven books – The Hunger Games Trilogy and the Twilight Series. Is this what I've come to? Someone who can only be satisfied by soft-core teen literary porn?

Where must I go to find redemption? The weight of so many unread "classics" has become almost unbearable. I could always just ease out with THE vampire novel, Dracula. Will that merely lead to backsliding and The Historian or Let The Right One In? Should I start easy with something light and humorous like Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, perhaps? Or do I just go for it, and dive into The Next 100 Years by George Friedman? Of course I could take a different path and finish one of the dozen "adult" books I've started in the last few months. That hardly seems like a good way to start fresh though. Any suggestions for good books are always welcome. The circumstances are dire and I'm afraid it won't be long before I break down and sink into the mindless abyss of James Patterson's new teen series; that must be the lowest of lows.