How it Ends

Two NYEs ago my brother Philip and I celebrated together with Devotchka at Mercury Cafe. Both of us were relatively new arrivals in Denver and while we had spent holidays in Colorado, we were still feeling out of the social scene. I'm happy to say that this year, Philip and I can still rely on each other to enjoy a great show.

I bought tickets to see Devotchka this year, not on a whim, but with a sense nostalgia. Kind of a way to look back over the last two years and realize how much has changed, and how much has stabilized in my life.

The most obvious change is that both of us were accompanied by a significant other this year. I think the reason we didn't attend this concert last year is because we were both hoping to spend it with the people pictured. I think we can say it was a successful pursuit.

The other difference that struck me at the concert is how much Denver/Colorado has become home to both of us since NYE 2007. To think back even one more year, Philip and I spend NYE 2006 together at El Chapultepec for a night of great live jazz. We were such strangers to this place. Now I think we're rooted here more than any other place from our mobile upbringing.

As we turn the page to a new year, a new decade even, I think it's important to note how good life is, changes and all.

I went for a final run of 2009 with the guys from the AIR Foundation last night before the concert. Over the last week on our runs, I've heard over and over about their drive to stay on their path of sobriety, to keep running the good race, to stay on pace, to stay focused, etc. Last night was no different as each of them look forward to a new year and a new life in 2010. I am honored and thrilled to be part of their lives and to see them decide every day to become more like the person they were created and purposed to be. Needless to say I've developed important relationships with some of these guys. They thank me often for supporting them. I can't thank them enough for allowing me to be apart of their victory. 2009 was a good year; 2010 promises greatness.

Of course I have to begin considering what I want to accomplish in the new year, aside from all my personal adventure goals. As with every year, I want to strive to become more like the person I was created and purposed to be. I may not know exactly what that looks like anymore, but I know the foundation is character. It doesn't matter where I end up in my career. I don't care what possessions I accumulate along the way. What I really want is to be the person God created me to be; to be a woman of character, someone with a kind and generous heart. What I really want to develop in the new year is an internal drive to utilize my abilities to accomplish something meaningful. I've realized over the last few weeks that I am primarily driven by external stimuli. I don't want to rely on that to motivate me to action. I want to be someone who pursues my goals ambitiously because I want to, not because I think someone else wants something for/from me.

I am really excited about 2010. It will be a year of hard challenges and tough decisions that produce great character and great joy. Are you up for it? I'm all in.

Butterfly Effect

I've struggled the last few days to readjust and deal with the inevitable post-training let-down. Just like every time before, when I feel myself sinking into depression, I have to start making goals for myself and start working toward accomplishing them. I have to focus on the small steps, celebrate the small victories, and make small decisions everyday to become the person I want to be.

Just like running, life is cumulative. If I want to be a runner, I have to get up every day, tie on my shoes, and run. Every mile I run counts toward becoming a better, stronger runner. Every race I run is a learning experience for the next one. Every run is a testament to my character as a runner. With life, every day lived well counts toward becoming more like the person I want to be. Every day is a learning experience for tomorrow. Every day is a testament to my character.

While it might seem overwhelming to pin so much on each day, really by focusing on a single day, I alleviate a lot of the pressure on my future. I can't change the way I behaved yesterday, but I can learn from it. I can't predict what will happen tomorrow, but I can prepare for it with the lessons from yesterday. Today I can only do the best with what I have and trust that down the line it will have meteorological effects.

So today, I'm choosing to work hard in spite of the fact that I believe my current position is meaningless. I'm choosing to meet my trainees for a run, even though it's snowing. I'm making small decisions (not eating a third chocolate chip cookie), celebrating small victories (having saved enough money to cover one month's rent in my emergency fund), and taking small steps to accomplish a new goal (finding contact information for a potential new sponsor for the AIR Foundation). Maybe tomorrow I'll be motivated to take bigger steps; today this is the best I can do.

Back to Life

After two weeks in the US Army parallel training universe, it's a shock to be back at work and back to normal, daily life. It almost makes it seem unreal; as if the whole ordeal was just a long dream. Some may say nightmare, but I actually had a really good time. I think that makes it even harder to cope with the daily grind. Anytime I come out of a training cycle with the Army, it takes me a few days to process, decompress, and readjust. I'm such an extrovert, a people-person, that spending a night in my apartment alone, with just my kitty cat, feels lonely, quiet, uncomfortable. I never have a hard time sleeping, but when I woke up at quarter to 5 this morning (an hour and a half before my alarm clock is set), and I wasn't in my barracks room with two roommates, or in a Korean-Army style tent with 17 other women, I struggled to remember where I was.

Walking into work this morning was no less of a shock. The instant I open those heavy wooden doors, the can already feel the tension headache coming on. I immediately regain my defensive posture, and head silently to my desk, sure not to make eye contact with anyone, ignoring all "welcome back" greetings along the way.

The last two days of training, I couldn't wait to get home. Now that I'm home, I'm already thinking about the next time I can be back in training, back in full-time Army mode.

Maybe it's not simply a case of Grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side-itis. Maybe I really thrive in a military environment, and a training environment in particular. I love the constant stimulation, the rush of multiple tasks to be accomplished in a short amount of time, the sense of being part of something more important than myself alone, the feeling that I am really good at being in the Army. It seems to suit me. I find it exciting. It's exhausting, yes, but I've never been one to shy away from being busy. One of my fellow students during the course commented that I seem like the type of person who embraces a challenge - I like being that type of person. I strive to incorporate that into my personal life, in the Army there are more challenges to embrace.

On the last day of training, the instructors recommended me for an instructor position at the academy. All I need to do is complete the paperwork for the transfer from my unit and I'm in.

There are a lot of important relationships in Denver that would be distupted if I take a full-time Army instructor job. Mostly I'm concerned about my work with the AIR Foundation. I can't very well continue to develop their program in Denver from Seattle. Nor would I have any time to work on expanding the program to Washington. I've made a commitment to AIR through October, and if it doesn't pan out into a full-time paid position by then, I'll have to seriously consider this other option.

Jim's perfectly willing to move; he can find work anywhere. I'm blessed to be with someone who is committed to supporting me in pursuing my own career at this point.

There's a lot to consider. I'm really proud of myself for what I accomplished in the last two weeks. I may not have walked away with a chest full of medals, but I worked hard and learned a lot. I have big plans for my unit here in Denver. I'm determined that no soldier from my unit will go to WLC unprepared. That at least will be good practice in case I do end up at the academy next fall.

I'm getting the feeling that 2010 is going to kick off the next decade in a big way for me.

Packing Day

I'm anxiously preparing for a two-week excursion into the wilderness of the North West United States. During these two weeks, I'll be participating in a three-day camping trip as well as taking classes in orienteering, outdoor survival, physical fitness techniques and training, and leadership skills. All of my travel, food, lodging and equipment is provided. I leave Thursday and return just one week before Christmas.

It's not nearly as exciting as it sounds; I'm going with my Uncle Sam. He's notorious for taking everything too seriously, making everyone get up really early, stay up really late, go for days without showers, shouting loudly over seemingly mundane details, and shamelessly belittling everyone in his sights. Not exactly a vacation. I'm determined to come out on top; sharper, smarter, and ready to face whatever the new year may present.

On the eve of the President announcing his plan for military operations in Afghanistan, and particularly whether there will be a surge of an additional 30,000 - 40,000 troops deployed, I have to believe that I need to absorb as much as I can from this trip. I've been fortunate enough over the last 4 years (5 years in February!), to not spend any time in the Sandbox. I've also been blessed enough to know dozens of people who have done their duty two and three times over.

I trust that God is in control of this situation, and I sincerely believe that He is putting me (or keeping me) exactly where I need to be to fulfill his purpose in my life. I'm not worried. If I go, I go, and God will be sovereign even there. If I stay, I stay, and God has plans for me here.

Passion and Hope

The last few weeks have been busy, encouraging, exhausting, motivating, stressful and exciting. I could (should?) provide an entry to describe all the various things I have going on, but after all of it, I don't have the time or the energy to really give writing the appropriate attention. Just to recap:

I've been volunteering quite a bit with The AIR Foundation lately. For those of you who are unfamiliar, AIR addresses homelessness and addiction through endurance running. Working in cooperation with the Denver Rescue Mission, we use "Activity Inspired Rehabilitation" (AIR) to train men and women in long-term drug and alcohol rehabilitation to finish at least one of two marathons in Denver every year. It's really an amazing program. I'm really excited to be apart of something that I believe is making a difference in peoples' lives. Over the past few weeks, I've been working to finish up the 501(c)(3) application. If we can get non-profit status from the IRS, it will open up dozens of opportunities.

I've also agreed to oversee the volunteer coordination as well as training for the runners and volunteers. We're launching several rather ambitious projects in December and January that, if successful, will lead to a consistent revenue flow to support the programs. The program has so much potential to succeed, we just need to put a few pieces in place. That's become my job - putting pieces in place. It's exciting, and I'm thrilled to be doing something meaningful with my time and skills. It's also a lot of work. Did I mention, I'm still working my full-time job?

My own personal goal for working with AIR is to be able to move to part-time at Dill and Dill and work part-time, as a paid development/fundraising employee, with AIR by June 2010. My work is certainly cut out for me as my first fundraising hurdle is finding money to pay my own salary.

The wrench in the works is that AIR holds two recruiting events every year. The next one is December 8 and I'll be out of town. I recently received orders to spend two weeks in training near Seattle from December 3rd through December 18th. I've been trying to get in to this training course since February 2008. If I don't go now, no matter how bad the timing is, I may not get in for another year. The fact that I'll be away from home for two weeks and return right before Christmas hasn't even sunk in. I'm just concerned about getting everything done today, and every day until December 2.

I've never been one to shy away from excessive activity. I love jam-packed days, busy weekends, and falling into bed exhausted from productivity every night. Whether it's my need to feel important, or whether I just like getting things done, I have to remind myself that sometimes I just need a break.

I am certainly looking forward to having both Thursday and Friday off this week to spend time with my family and just relax. I have a stack of books, a list of movies, and a whole season of Fringe to watch. It's going to be great.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends! I hope you all have a lovely Holiday!

There Must be Something Else

Last night I had a horrible dream about my current work situation. I dreamed that I was fired from my current position with no explanation, no severance package, and no one to defend me. I was instructed to train three new interns who would take over my responsibilities and be gone by the end of the week.

I remember being so angry in my dream. When I woke up, I was still angry. I calmed myself down by thinking about all the things I could do if I DID get fired without pretense or warning. If nothing else, I could always go back to serving tables for a while. When I walked into work this morning, I got angry all over again. Obviously, this is not a healthy place for me to be. I resolved myself to finding some new way to pay the bills.

About one-thirty this afternoon, I received an e-mail informing me that my "application was NOT referred or accepted," for the job I mentioned in my previous post. I wanted to feel disappointed. I wanted to be frustrated. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. In spite of all the demoralizing statements I carry around in my head to pull out for such occasions, I couldn't help but believe that there must be something else, something better for me. I keep referring back to other career-related disappointments I've dealt with over the last few years. On the end of each one, I can always find reason to be thankful it didn't work out the way I had hoped.

Maybe I need to decide that a job is just a job and it doesn't have to be anything else. I really struggle, though, with spending such a vast majority of my life performing tasks that don't matter and will never make me happy. But maybe that's not what a job is supposed to do; give purpose to my life or provide satisfaction? Maybe I need to seek purpose and satisfaction in other things?

I keep hoping that things will change. There's nothing to do but keep filling out applications and hoping one of them hits. What have I got to lose?

Fingers Crossed

I was casually perusing the USA jobs website last week when I was surprised to find a position that seemed to be a perfect fit for me. It's a research and analysis job for the DOD, based on Colorado Springs, focusing on Latin America. The application deadline was yesterday.

I spent all day working on this application. It required 1-3 page responses to five different questions. The intent is for candidates to demonstrate in writing that they have the requisite experience to fill the position.

I want this job so much that I can hardly talk about it. I guess I believe that the more I talk about it, the more I'll want it, and the more I'll be disappointed when I don't get it. That's a sad way to pursue a career though, expecting to be let down and rejected.

I'm trying to adjust my attitude to reflect a greater belief in myself and my future, rather than my fears. I've dealt with disappointments before in my career and moved on. I may not be where I want to be, but that doesn't mean I stop trying to change my circumstances. I have to take chances; you can't win the lottery without buying a ticket, and you can't get the dream job without applying for it.

Itchy Feet

Last night I watched one episode of the new PBS series, National Parks: America's Best Idea. I was once again grasped by the realization that there is too much world to see, even here in the US, to stay in one place for very long. I've been dying to take a vacation, even a week-long, in-country trip to somewhere new. I have a whole list of places I've never been. Ideally, I'd really like to take about 4-5 months to travel.

In 1 year and 4 months I will have paid off all my debt other than my car and my student loans. At that point, I would only need to set aside about $2500 + basic living expenses in order to take 5 months off to travel. I think with my car, tent, backpack, and shoes, I could easily see a lot of the country with a minimal budget. Over the last few years, I've really wanted to hike all or part of the AT. I've planned numerous backpacking trips all over the Southwest that I've never had an opportunity to take. My boss keeps telling me that he's planning to retire in a year. Perhaps by then, I'll be ready to take some time off before job-hunting again.

I don't really want to just travel for the sake of traveling though. I think I'd like to design a service-oriented trip. I could find volunteer organizations in every state I want to visit and spend time working for them while I'm there. Maybe even just clean up trash in one of the National Parks I want to see; something to give my trip greater purpose than just sight seeing. Probably just one of my grand ideas that I'll hardly see to fruition, but I'd like to see what I can put together. If you have any good ideas for places to visit and volunteer, let me know. Maybe I can at least start mapping a route and thinking through the logistics.

The Big 2-8

I turned 28 yesterday. While all my friends, family members, co-workers, etc. assured me that 28 is NOT old, I can't help but feel like it IS. It doesn't help that I hurt my back carrying boxes while moving a few weeks ago and now I'm on a strict 6-hour alternating regiment of 600mg of Ibuprofen and Muscle Relaxers to make the muscles begin to un-injure themselves. Next year I'll be complaining that my hip replacement surgery has been delayed because of the damn communists in congress, dying my hair blue, and predicting the weather by the swelling in my arthritic knee.

Regardless of whether 28 is old or not old, it's been a scary age for me for quite some time now. I remember distinctly thinking as a freshman at Florida State that if I didn't have my life figured out by the time I turned 28 I was going to get breast implants, move to South America, and join a political revolution.

So as the Deadline Birthday approached, and then passed, I couldn't help but consider whether I've done all the things I could have/should have done to get me where I thought I wanted to be. Have I really put forth a good effort to make something of my life? Have I sincerely pursued the opportunities presented to me with diligence and passion? Even though I'm in a fairly good place right now, the answer to those questions is still a resounding "no" in my mind. I think about the times I've lied to or made excuses for myself instead of actually working toward my goals. I've blamed government, bureaucracy, my upbringing, my circumstances, God, everything to try and relieve myself of the burden of responsibility for my own actions. I recognize that when I get overwhelmed, I become easily paralyzed. But instead of recognizing that, and then actually taking steps to de-paralyze myself, I slip into this rebellious indifference and create a careless and sometimes spiteful attitude toward whatever obstacle I'm facing.

I think what it really comes down to is a lack of self-discipline. I believe I could be disciplined if I actually wanted to be. For example, I have plenty of time in the mornings to get up and run before work. I think I've done that once since I started working here two years ago. And it's not like I don't thoroughly ENJOY exercising, it's just that I like to sleep, and staying in bed is so much easier than getting out of it until the last possible minute. It's not just about exercising either. I often start projects, like job applications, or my ODC packet for the Army, or a grant application, etc. that I very rarely finish. These are all important to me, but somewhere along the way I lose interest and let it fall to the wayside. I really don't want my life to amount to a series of unfinished projects and unaccomplished goals.

So what's the solution? I need to get away from the mindset that once "X" happens, I'll be able to really start doing what I want with my life. I need to really make the effort to make "X" happen instead and stop making excuses for why it hasn't yet. Maybe the problem is that I don't really know what "X" is. I guess I don't know what I really want anymore.

Until I figure it out, I've tabled the breast implants idea and opted for a consultation with an orthodontist and a LASIK surgeon. Those seem like less self-indulgent vanity procedures. I think Brazil will have to take a back seat to the Middle East for a while, and the political revolution that needs to happen is here in America. So I guess I'll be here for a while longer. At least it's a good place to be stuck.

The Septemberist

September is going to be a very busy month for me.

On Saturday, I'm making a quick trip to Orlando to see my oldest friend get hitched - by oldest I mean we've been friends since we were four. I'm coming back to Denver on Sunday so I can run a race on Labor Day morning and avoid the overpriced holiday flights and hotels in the tourist capital of the country. Unfortunately this also prevents me from spending another weekend in Nebraska. Nebraska and I are on a break.

Next Saturday is THE BIG RACE. The Imogene Pass Run is the one I've been anticipating since June. It's certain to be my toughest event yet. Seventeen miles, 5,000 feet of elevation gain, gravel road, a grueling time limit, and stunning views in every direction. Needless to say I'm nervous and concerned that my training to date will fall painfully short. I'm determined to finish the race in the time allotted. If I don't though, it'll be more than my bruised ego to nurse and the resolution to try again next year.

The following Wednesday I leave for Fort Lewis near Seattle, WA to spend five days helping to ensure that our troops are deployment-ready. I hope to catch a good live show while I'm there and spend some hours charging the famous hills jutting up from the coast.

The Wednesday after that is my birthday.

That Friday I leave for Kansas City to celebrate the last of Whitney's bachlorettehood with a kick-ass party. I'm in charge of games - sex position balderdash anyone?

When the month finally winds down, the Denver Marathon will be right around the corner; and honestly the simplicity of race training will be a welcome repose from my hectic September schedule.

So if you're in Denver some weekend this month, I might catch you at the airport.

"Oh My Omaha" Update

Since I made such a big deal out of my trip with the Boyfriend's family this past weekend, I feel obligated to provide an account of the venture.

First of all, I am really glad I went, actually. That doesn't mean I would do it all over again, but I know now how important it was that I was there. Meeting his grandmother, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. was a really good experience. In such tight-knit families everyone feels safe and appreciated, even guests are instantly comfortable. And there was not a single question as to whether we've "set a date," begun reproducing, or any other such prying nonsense. Fortunately for me these were all directed toward the newly-wed couple.

The part I would not do-over is the 8.5 hour car ride book-ending the weekend. First there was the reading aloud from Readers' Digest. Then there was the insistence that I "put on a coat" (while riding in the car b/c the AC was too cold). Then there was the questioning at every stop as to whether I was hungry and instruction to "eat a donut" even after I replied "no thank you," "no, I'm not hungry," "no, I don't want a donut." The one bit of unexpected peace was the separate hotel rooms.

I think it was a learning experience for all of us. Boyfriend learned that not telling me anything about the event ahead of time means that he gets to carry TWO large suitcases in addition to his own. His mom learned that I don't deal well with people before breakfast. His dad learned that I HATE being rushed. I learned to ask more questions before I agree to a family trip. Questions like: "where will I be sleeping?" "with whom will I be sharing a bed?" "What time does the event start and when exactly do we need to leave?" "Is dinner going to be a backyard BBQ or a catered country club meal?" Oh, and questions like, "honey, why in god's name do you think I want to take a road trip with your parents?"

Amazing Race(s)

I've been keeping a fairly busy training and racing schedule this summer. On Saturday, it paid off. I ran a personal best, breaking 2 hours at the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon. Just two months ago, I ran the Rocky Mountain Half Marathon in 2:13. I think that's a sign that the training is going well.

The real victory is that my race management was almost perfect. Other than the fact that I couldn't find my good shoes on race day, requiring me to don the pair I wore to train for and run my first marathon last spring, I felt well prepared, and ran comfortably the whole way. Averaging a 9:08 pace, I ran at the high end of my Zone 2 (goal heart rate/pace range for a race this distance) to the low end of my Zone 3 the whole race. To me, this demonstrates that I've not only improved in strength and speed since our time trials last month (where zones are determined), but also I've learned some self discipline in my racing. Typically I sprint from the start line and run the first 2-3 miles at top speed, only to burn out by Mile 10. Flanked by two trusty running buddies, Christine and Stacy, we took the first 3 miles easy, averaging a 9:30-10:00/mile pace and let our bodies warm up to the altitude (9,000 ft +) and terrain (rolling hills descending 1,000 ft over the course). We were all amazed at how quickly the miles clicked by and how good we felt, even at mile 8. After mile 9, Christine broke off and picked up the speed (8:00/mile). I kept on her heels to mile 10 then set my own pace the last three miles (8:30/mile) Stacy maintained a solid pace, finishing just at minute behind me. The last tenth of a mile, I pushed hard and finished strong to eke out a sub-two hour race. Jim was lucky enough to find parking and make his way to the finish line just in time to snap a quick photo of me crossing in record time.

Walking around after the race, stretching, eating, drinking, I started to feel the effects of how hard I had just run. That's the sign of a good race, I think, it feels so good during the race, you don't even realize how far and fast you ran until you're done.

While I still love the 26.2 miles of the marathon, the half-marathon could easily become my favorite race. It's long enough to be challenging but short enough to see improvement over a relatively short training period. Also, I never feel completely wiped out after a half while marathons leave me sore for at least a couple days.

This is definitely not the end of the racing season for me. In fact, it's just beginning to get interesting. With a 20-miler next weekend, a 10-miler in three weeks, Imogene Pass in about a month, then the Denver Marathon in October, I have a full schedule. I was hoping to knock off the Boulder (Backroads) Half Marathon in September, but Uncle Sam has other plans for me that weekend.

Also, I ran into a former coach at the race this weekend and he has some exciting training going on too. I may decide to join up with him and his team for the California International Marathon in Sacramento this December. Somehow a year doesn't seem complete with only one marathon on my legs. Since New York didn't work out as I anticipated, I've been searching for a replacement race. Maybe this is the answer?

Oh My Omaha

There's another family-fun weekend planned: the Boyfriend's Grandma's 90th Birthday Party, in Omaha, Nebraska.

After my last "Meet the Family" experience, I am better prepared to field the abundance of inappropriate and uncomfortable questions that are inevitably launched on potential new in-laws. And I think I can more adequately brace myself for the long stories about people I don't know and small talk with people who believe that vegetarianism is a form of Communism. In addition to the eight hour, one-way car ride with his parents to look forward to, there will be more, new extended family members to inquire and speculate on the quality of my uterus, and quiz and observe my domestic abilities.

I know it's all with good intent. They want to make sure their son/grandson/nephew/cousin/brother/step-brother/uncle is happy and has found someone acceptable. What baffles me is that they seem to forget that I too am someone's relative, and a person, no-less, with some plans of my own.

In these moments I come up with many reasons not to go on this adventure: I have to pack and move my apartment; I have a big fundraiser that weekend for AIR; I have to train with my team for one of the many races I have just around the corner; or I just don't want to go. I also know that if his extended family becomes my extended family, my absence will not be easily forgiven, or forgotten. And I know that if he goes without me, there will be an endless barrage of uncomfortable questions he will have to face regarding my absence. If it's going to be uncomfortable for one of us, it might as well be for both of us. That's what it means to be in a relationship, having someone to endure family events with.

Two Part Harmony

I've had the pleasure of seeing a LOT of live music this summer. It's been an eye-opening experience as I'm exposed to new talent and new sounds that I may never have expected to enjoy. Through attending all these shows, you get a chance to hear what other people think is cool and interesting. Here's a quick run-through of the new music I've particularly enjoyed and the bands with which I've been especially impressed.

1. Hello Kavita - Denver band with a great sense of musicality. A perfect blend of simple, mellow vocals with enthusiastic and complex instrumentation and musicianship. As I mentioned previously, I especially love their cover of Paul Simon's "You Can Call me Al," (which I was fortunate enough to hear at the show last night at the Fox Theatre in Boulder) because it is exactly what a cover song should be, fresh and interesting, but familiar enough so that we can all sing along.

2. Rapture - maybe not a local band, but one I would love to see live. Their ultra-cool/eighties-glam brand of Disco-Punk is upbeat and catchy and really rocks. "House of Jealous Lovers" and "Whoo! Alright . . . Yeah, Uh Hu" are certain to make you want to dance until you sweat.

3. Blitzen Trapper - Portland based rockers with a cool, folksey sound, imagery-inspiring lyrics and brilliant three part harmonies. Put Furr, the newest album, on repeat and enjoy all day.

4. Overcasters - another local band of which I've only caught a few songs at a local showcase, but thoroughly impressive. Think of U2 with an "edge." Darker, harder, but still creative and melodic, these guys have got something.

5. Swayback - recently signed with Capitol records these guys have that rock band sound that urges crazed female fans to ask for signatures on body parts.

6. Bon Iver - aptly named "good winter,"the much mellower, more melancholy sound that makes me want to curl up in front of a fire place and wait out a blizzard. Lyrically interesting and melodically simple, this singer-song writer sticks in your ears.

Of course I have to include my own family members in this short list of favorites. Philip and Allison are taking their sound to the public. Playing to an enthusiastic and appreciative crowd at the Avery Brewery Tasting Room a few weeks ago, and now producing and distributing a demo CD to promote their vast and unique talents. Keep an eye out for these rising stars, and remember: you heard it here first.

Bliss

It has been an unspeakably happy week.

I have so much going on, but I'm not letting it stress me out. I have too many pressures on my time and energy, but I'm saying "no" gracefully and maintaining my personal boundaries. I'm being productive and marking things off my to-do list. I'm looking for a new apartment and looking forward to a change.

Things are just good right now. I am very blessed, indeed.

Wild Mountain Nation

Over the last few months I've had the pleasure of attending a variety of live music shows here in Denver. Many of them have left me simply content with having experienced some young, unknown musicians testing their talents before an enthusiastic but sophisticated audience. Last night I had the opportunity to hear Blitzen Trapper (http://www.blitzentrapper.net/), the hard-rock turned Indie-folk-pop band from Portland, Oregon - Wow: these guys are for real.

Typically I lose interest in a show after about 45 minutes if I'm not familiar with a band or if they don't play a cool cover to draw me in. After every single tune last night, I thought, "wow, that was really good." My ears kept wanting more.

The style is so simple and hearkens back to the folk music of Appalachia with gospel-ready lyrics, three-part harmonies, and some traditional instrumentation like a acoustic guitar and harmonica. But the sound is complex and exciting. Incorporating the electric sound of a rock band adds depth and energy to their oft-mellow tunes.

I'm currently enjoying my third listen through their newest album, Furr. Join the Wild Mountain Nation of Blitzen Trapper - you're in good company.

When It Rains, It Pours

Sometimes life has a way of snowballing you. It's been slowly building over the last week or so, and hit full-force today.

To say that I feel overwhelmed is a laughable understatement. I have at least 30 different projects going on at work with impossible deadlines, no free hands to help me, and an office manager who likes to hover over my shoulder and eavesdrop on every conversation, professional and personal, then provide insight as to how I should respond to overheard conversations, apparaently as a means of helping me "manage my workload."

Also, I've recently been volunteering with an excellent local nonprofit. I'm super excited about all we're doing, the mission, and upcoming events. However, like in all organizations, the majority of the work ends up going to the people who 1) show up for meetings and 2) act enthusiastically. I'm guilty on both counts and now have enough work to do to fill 8-10 hours a week, conservatively.

Then there is the economic issue. While I received a nice paycheck boost this summer, but have yet to experience any real ease in my budget from the change. It seems to me that the banking industry should be convicted of highway robbery. They have unlimited access to my meager funds and freely (and seemingly arbitrarily) extract exorbitant fees without warning.

It's not just feeling overwhelmed by having too many things to do or too many external pressures, it's also that I've been constantly reminded, excruciatingly reminded, that I am not doing what I want to be doing with my life, career-wise. As much as I complain about my job, my reaction time is getting better to this sense of entrapment. I recognize my frustration with my job and immediately do something to try and change my situation. I strongly believe that my life is a culmination of the choices I make for myself. Often the choice NOT to do something is more significant than any conscious choice I make for action. So this week I've completed a graduate school application (waiting on transcripts and letters of recommendation to submit), applied for a part-time teaching position at a local college, and made further progress on my ODC packet for the Army. My life/job will never change if I don't do something today to change it. If I sit and wait for it to change for me, in five years I'll be exactly where I am today.

Me and Bobby McGee

This morning was the kick-off event for the Fast Forward Sports/Team Denver Marathon training season. Typically the kick-off event for a new season is a simple, meet the coaches, get your t-shirt, a few administrative issues are discussed and we finish up with a short, easy run and some stretching. This morning though, we were in for a huge treat: Olympic coach Bobby McGee facilitated a running clinic.

Within a forty-five minute session he covered the importance of good form, the biomechanics of running, stride and cadence, and flexibility and strength. Then he took us outside to practice the key points. By the end I could already feel improvement in my speed and the efficiency of my stride. Just a few tweaks to my form made a huge difference.

I had become familiar with Bobby McGee's training program and running theories through Fast Forward in the last few training seasons. We do his dynamic warm-up program and our coaches have talked at length about the form techniques he advocates. It was a totally new experience though hearing all these things straight from the horse's mouth. Suddenly all the drills we had been doing over the last year made perfect sense. I don't fault my coaches for neglecting this information, I'm one of those people who always wants to know "why" I'm doing something a certain way. I might believe that doing forward arm swings as part of my running warm up will help prevent injury and improve my form, but I need to know why it helps and how it interacts with the rest of my body. It all came together for me this morning.

I'm looking forward to a great training season and implementing some of these new techniques to run my fastest marathon yet. I'm running to Borders today to pick up Bobby McGee's workout book!

http://www.bobbymcgee.com

Westword Music Showcase 2009

The Westword Music Showcase is an annual platform for local Denver bands. I have to say that I was blown away by the talent and level of musicality taking root here. Over 90 bands performed, one every hour from noon until 6pm, at 6 or 7 different venues within the same 3 block radius. Then Meese and Built to Spill capped off the evening at the main outdoor stage.

Of all the fantastic music I heard on Saturday, I was most impressed with the single song I heard from Hello Kavita - a cover of Paul Simon's "You Can Call me Al." I scurried into Curious Theatre at the very end of their show to catch an earful. First of all, I love Paul Simon. I think there are few better song writers. "You Can Call me Al," is one of my favorite songs. Hello Kavita's rendition was brilliant. It was absolutely what a cover should be - their own. I get so tired of hearing "cover" songs performed in their original arrangement; it might as well be karaoke. When I hear a new version of an old favorite and it's fresh and interesting, I get really excited. I wish I could find a recording of the performance to post here. If you know of one, please let me know - I would love a copy. Be on the look out for Hello Kavita to take flight in the near future. These guys have got "it."

Other favorites of the day: The Swayback (who just signed with Capital Records); Bella Karoli; Everything Absent or Distorted; and Meese (who sound an awful lot like The Fray, but BETTER and more edgy). Built to Spill's performance was, of course, fantastic.

Music lovers keep an eye on Denver. There's some great talent on the ups.

The Good Life

There are shimmering moments in life when everything seems absolutely perfect and right with the world. I woke this morning to one of those moments. The whole day hasn't been perfect, but it started off on the right foot.

The most discouraging times of my life are when I feel trapped, stuck, and like nothing is going to change or get better. I've learned over the last couple years that when I begin to sink into hopelessness, I have to make goals for myself and create a strategy for achieving them. And they have to big goals, challenges. I relish overcoming some obstacle. That always jolts me back into self-efficacy and injects a sense of adventure into the mundane daily grind.

It's not unusual then that I'm always happiest when I have a lot on my plate; goals set, adventures idealized, fun weekend activities on the calendar. Right now a world of possibilities stretches out before me. I'm working on completing my OCS packet (a project I've had underway for over a year, without progress); I have a race this weekend; a summer of great marathon training with F4 and AIR; two killer races calendared for the fall; a fun weekend in the mountains with my favorite people in a couple weeks; the Westword Music Showcase all day tomorrow featuring 90 local bands; Death Cab for Cutie with Andrew Bird at Red Rocks in July; Wilco and Okkervil River also at Red Rocks in July; countless poker tournaments to win; fourteeners to climb; camping trips to make; spontaneous road trips to take; and the possiblities go on and on.

Also, I feel like the work I'm doing has taken on some significance. As my responsibilities grow and change, I can sink my teeth into some projects and hurry through the silly, mundane work.

I still feel stuck sometimes; and I hate that I'm not in a position where I'm really using my skills or learning new ones. But there is likelihood for change.

The best part of all of this is that I have someone along for the ride, no matter where it takes us, who supports me and wants to be part of the adventure. So if I get deployed in next year, he'll take a job overseas too. If I get sent to OCS for 8 months, he'll visit when he can. If I want to go back to school, he'll move with me where ever I get funding. And, when I beat him at something he doesn't get sulky and feel demasculated, he brags about me. Not to make him sound like a pansy without any goals of his own who let's his woman call all the shots. He's easy going and confident enough not to be intimidated by my high-hopes, and he's accomplished so much already that I think he's willing to let me pursue some of my own ambitions. No wonder I like this guy. :)

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I recently began running with a group focused on training recovering addicts for endurance athletic events as part of the recovery process. Joined with the Denver Rescue Mission, the AIR Foundation trains these men for half-marathons, marathons, and 200+ mile relay races. It provides more than an athletic training program, giving them shoes, running apparel and a community of like-minded friends.

Last night I was running (or walking more-like) with one of the guys just talking about running and about life in general. He was a fascinating person, an artist specializing in glass art but working in oil painting and sketching as well. He had studied in the best schools and under the most renowned artists in his trade. At the height of his career he became so fed up with all the politics at the top that he left everything to spend 40 days fasting in the desert of Arizona. We talked a little about his experiences and the people he had met, but it all came back to grabbing hold of our opportunities and leading a life worth living. He's excited about the opportunity to train for and run a marathon; accomplishing an impressive goal and getting his life back on track.

For me running has occasionally been therapeutic, but mostly just for fun and a competitive outlet (so I don't do things like organize paper-clip tossing competitions or obstacle courses at work). In this setting though, I'm learning how having a goal, a training schedule and a support system can really help someone turn their life around and get back on their feet. It's a matter of doing something that you believe is important, and in many ways, something that society views as a great accomplishment. It's a way to feel valued and even respected.

Currently, we are training with several men to run the Denver Marathon in October. We're only three weeks into the program and I am really excited to see how we all progress and improve. I'm planning on training with F4 again this summer, but I'm also excited to have another opportunity to build relationships through running and work toward a common goal with a new set of athletes.

Running Scared

It's beginning to feel like it's time to pack up and move on. Cut ties and get out of Dodge. Move on to new adventures, new experiences, a different journey. Time is ticking too quickly and I'm missing out on something important.

Let's be honest though, this point has been a long time coming. I've been waiting patiently for something to happen. Some great opportunity to come my way and set me free from this mediocrity. The longer I wait, the more urgently I am reminded that I have to make things happen for myself.

I'm feeling particularly trapped as I shuffle through old photographs of exotic places I've never been and interesting people I've never met. This isn't my life displayed here. And it never will be if I don't do something, and fast.

Selfish

If you know me or have read much of this blog, you are already familiar with my frustration with other women. I admit it is rather self-righteous of me to be so harsh and assume that I don't fall into the same pattern of behavior that seems so natural for my sex. Self-righteous or not, I can't help being angry.

What really irks me is that I am quickly judged by these women for my choices NOT to be a wife and mother. Perhaps they're jealous of my freedom? Perhaps they feel I'm denying the obligation that comes with having a uterus? Perhaps they just want me to follow the rules and join the Mommy Club? They are free to hold whatever grudge they want against me, but please, please don't tell me I'm being selfish for not making the same decisions they have made.

Over the last year I think I have grown up enough to set and maintain boundaries for myself. I know who I am, I know what I want for myself, and what I want out of my life. I have high hopes for myself, and I don't intend to lose sight of my goals. If my visions don't include chasing a toddler around a yard encircled by a white-picket fence in suburban, upper-middle class America, that's OK. It's my vision, my life. I can get what I want out of it. If that makes you uncomfortable, that's your problem.

I realize at this point that I am wrongly focusing my frustration instead of confronting the true source. While I might be frustrated by the stay-at-home-mom scenario, what really scares me is that this seems to be where I'm headed. I feel my life slipping away, passing me by. I'm stuck. I want desperately to get away, but where? Volunteer for an overseas deployment? At least I get out of this current situation. I can't stay where I am. And once the year or so is up, I'll have a small fortune saved to go and do what I please. I don't even have to come back. I can disappear; slip out of this grip of growing obligations that's tightening every day.

Perhaps it seems contradictory to take up the Army life in order to gain freedom. But it's a limited amount of time with endless possibility to follow. I can do anything for a set amount of time. If I have an identified end-point, I only have to remind myself "this won't last forever," and focus on the task at hand. While my life here in Denver isn't bad, to say the least, it seems to stretch out endlessly ahead of me, unchanging, uninterrupted, and completely unfufilling.

I've always felt there's too much world to see to be stuck in one place. I'm beginning to feel stuck, and I need to get out fast, before I accumulate too much baggage.

Tied Down

I had a nervous breakdown last weekend. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. Surrounded by strangers, suffocating in the heat and humidity, overwhelmed from the days' activities, I had a sudden and sneaking realization that "this" was going to be my life. It was all laid out before me; the expectations, the obligations, the respects paid and sacrifices made. And no one else seemed to notice how utterly perfect and yet so wrong it all was. I don't belong here. I'm an impostor; but welcomed like one of the family. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out. I slept in the back seat of the car; the two-door coupe. I had to be alone, regain my independence. I'm not sure where I lost it?

Is that an inevitable aspect of relationships, losing one's separateness? One's individuality? One's single-ness?

What happens if I'm not ready to surrender that yet? What happens to the rest of my life if I just give in now? Give in to their expectations? What am I losing? Does what I gain out-weigh all that I lose? Losing something I don't have, yet, for something so secure, something seemingly sealed?

And what does he have to sacrifice? Nothing. He's had his time. He's had his adventures. He's gone places, seen things, lived his life as he pleases, no regard for these domestic expectations.

I knew it was a mistake to go through that stack of old photos in his apartment. It's just proof that you have lived a life that I will never get to experience, not at this rate any way. And I have no one to blame but myself. My own laziness, my own lack of focus and ambition, my own fear. I should have made more opportunities for myself. I have a lot to offer, but I've let my self-doubt, my insecurities, hold me back; tie me down.

Meet the Family

"We're going to Nebraska for Memorial Day weekend with my family," he announced. "They have a house, on a lake. We'll water ski, bar-b-que, drink beer; it'll be great."

"Okay, sounds fun," I replied, struggling to mask my hesitation. I had met the family before. Even spent a night at his parents' house. There had been a couple birthday dinners and holiday meals shared, but never an entire weekend. An entire weekend in Nebraska no less. An entire weekend four hours away by car, and a million miles away from my comfort zone.

I'm not one to shy away from events, even if they make me nervous. I am soundly of the mindset that everything will probably be better than I expect it to be, especially if I have a positive attitude.

"You'll stay in the cabin with me, my mom, and the kids," his sister informed me at a noisy dinner party a week or so before the trip. "Hope that's okay," she added. "The guys are going to camp outside - the house isn't very big," she explained.

"Sure, sounds fun," I replied. "I like camping; should I bring my tent?" I offered, hoping to find a way to escape the inevitably awkward situation unfolding before me.

"No, we'll leave the camping to the guys," she insisted.

"It's going to be fine - good opportunity to get to know the family better. Just smile and nod," I told myself.

Smile and nod seemed the best strategy to get me through the family fun. But when old family friends and childhood playmates came out of the woodwork to meet and greet, I ended up bombarded (perhaps assaulted?), with more than I could have anticipated.

"What do you mean you don't want children? Don't you think that's kinda selfish?"

"When you two gettin' hitched? He's not getting any younger you know."

"Why don't you take the kids swimming, get a taste of what real life is like."

"You really don't want kids? He'd be a great dad."

"Can the kids sleep here with you guys tonight? We don't really want to drive back into town."

Needless to say, it was difficult falling asleep with a sweating 8 year old on one side, and four other warm bodies in the room with an AC that had been shut off with grandma's concerns that the babies would be too cold. Around 3 am I went outside and cried myself to sleep in the backseat of the car. By 5 I was shivering and tired of the lumpy pile of towels around me so I went back inside and crawled onto the sleeper sofa bed, careful not to disturb anyone, hoping to finally get a few minutes of rest, not realizing that 5:15 am is a standard rise-and-shine time for a 2 year-old.

Exhausted, I begged, "can we please go now." I had survived 32 hours with the boyfriend's family and the four hour drive back to Denver passed quickly as I snoozed away the nightmare.

Skill Set

I am feeling particularly blessed this week at work. About a week ago I disseminated a memo to the uppity-ups requesting a raise. I recognize that this is not the economy in which it really makes sense to be making such a request, but I believe that in the past 11 months of full-time employment, I have proven myself a valuable employee. Not only that, but my responsibilities have changed and increased significantly since my hire. My superiors agreed with my argument and agreed to a 10% raise, effective yesterday, May 18. I breathed a huge sigh of relief after that meeting. My days of stretching every penny and stressing out about whether my rent check will clear the bank, or whether my debit card will be declined with every swipe, are over. Not that I will have a huge expendable income, but I will be able to manage things a little easier, and perhaps even put something aside in savings. I anticipate having to pay for a large, important event in the upcoming months, and the last thing I want to do is finance a dress.

Regardless of the extra money, it's just easier to come to work everyday, knowing that my work is valued and that my employer appreciates me. I can't lie though, I am really excited to get my first "big" paycheck.

Moving Out

My lease is up in July. When I signed the lease this time last year, I did not anticipate staying there more than a year. I thought I would be heading West for school and whatever new adventures California had to offer. While my plans have changed, and I'm not where I thought I might be, I haven't quite decided what to do in terms of my living situation.

I received a tempting proposal last week and I'm still trying to way the pros and cons and determine how I feel about it. I don't like the idea of giving up my own (first) place. I like my own space, I like my own bed, I like my own closet, and my own dirty dishes in the sink. One of the reasons I decided to live alone in the first place was because I was tired of dealing with other peoples' bad living habits. I thought I might be lonely, but I've kind of enjoyed some of the down time. Ive really enjoyed being on my own schedule and having the freedom to consider only myself in my plans. But faced with this new opportunity, I have to determine whether all that I'm gaining outweighs the luxuries I'm giving up. I knew I wouldn't live alone for ever, or at least I assumed I wouldn't. I just didn't expect to give that up right now. I haven't made up my mind, and I don't have to today, but the thoughts are churning my brain into butter. So I have to talk it out, write it out, and I seem to be having the conversation with everyone except the person that needs an answer. Perhaps that's not a good sign? Another potential casualty of my indecision? Not this time; it's too important to risk. Time to wrestle down the Possibilities demon, have an honest conversation about my concerns and doubts, and make a decision.

The Path I Do Not Choose

I think everyone experiences that sense of loss for a certain something that "got away." Whether a person, a relationship, an opportunity, some choice we made along the excluded another possibility. That's life, right? Making the best choice at the time and moving forward in that direction.

This is a challenging concept for me. I love options and possibilities. I hate that often choosing one thing completely eliminates all other alternatives. I am quite good at adapting to and rising above my circumstances. Of course, I feel trapped at times, but I cope well and make the best of my situation, an eternal optimist. I don't easily give up on those alternatives that may no longer be available to me though. I continue to believe that everything I want is just within my reach.

The downside of this is that I can neglect the good things I already have because I'm so distracted working for the next best opportunity or pursuing yet another possibility. I get lost in all the many possibilities that I rarely complete one task to the best of my ability.

As I'm growing up I'm learning that this flaw has some dangerous consequences. Instead of focusing on the task at hand and powering through my instinct to weigh every option, I let things drift by the wayside until the last second, then I end up paying some penalty for my indecision or inaction. I procrastinate because I'm always waiting for something better to come along. Then I get stuck with a sub-par outcome because either my chance for something is gone or the circumstances have changed and I get stuck with just the left-overs.

One thing I would really like to see myself do is to take control of my situation, pursue things I really want. First, I guess, that requires that I DECIDE what it is I really want. I am beginning to understand that sometimes NOT making a decision is worse than making a bad one.

Back on (the) Track

I've let myself get derailed over the last couple months. Things just pile up and instead of dealing with them methodically and responsibly, I just stick them in a corner and let them ferment until I have the will to make time to address the problem. I get so overwhelmed that I'm paralyzed by the mere thought of checking my mail box because that will require me to pay attention to something likely unpleasant.

Of course, I've let my training get derailed this Spring as well. I like to tease Jim that he doesn't let me do anything I like to do anymore. Which is not true in the slightest. But I have had to make several changes as we integrate each other into our lives. For example, I have chosen to neglect my Tuesday evening runs so we can play poker at a neighborhood bar with a group of new (to me) friends. I really enjoy the game. It's a great time, good people, and something we both look forward to and make time for. However, instead of getting up early on Tuesday mornings to fit my run in, I've chosen to sleep late. And, instead of rearranging my training schedule so I fit my runs in on days when I have more time, I've chosen to go to the gym for a mediocre cardio session on the eliptical or stairclimber. Also, I was unable to join my Fast Forward team for the Spring training season, so that eliminated my Thursday evening and Saturday morning routines. I'm trying to make up for it by planning a couple runs a week with my other running buddies, but it's too easy to cancel, post-pone, or forget when things get busy (or I feel lazy).

All of this is going to change today. The Bolder Boulder is just under 6 weeks away (May 25), and I am determined to clock my best 10K time ever - 49:45 (8:00 miles). Armed with a training plan from Runner's World, I am hitting the track tonight to get in a nice dose of speed work to whip my legs back into shape. I really hope that by getting myself back into a good running routine, I can motivate myself to tackle some of the more serious problems I'm facing.

Lost at Sea

Perhaps this is a sign that I should keep my feet on land:

Mar 31st 2009
From Economist.com

Hundreds of migrants drown in the Mediterranean

Reuters

IT IS a grim way to die. Packed into ill-equipped and poorly skippered craft, migrants who attempt to cross the Mediterranean from north Africa risk their lives even in the best of conditions. Wooden boats knocked together to hold some 75 people are often crammed with three or four times that number. Migrants report fellow travellers who have been crushed to death or exhausted, dehydrated and seasick, knocked over board and left to drown. When passengers panic or when fights break out the risk of capsize is acute.

When conditions worsen, the risk of death rises sharply. A broken engine, a bewildered navigator or bad weather can hasten the loss of a boat. This week sandstorms struck as several hundred people set forth from Libya on perhaps four boats, apparently attempting to reach the coast of Italy. Libyan officials said on Tuesday March 31st that, having searched for more than two days, they had fished at least 21 corpses from the sea and had found one boat with a broken engine and 350 people aboard. Hundreds of others, including women and children, are thought to have drowned. A spokesman for the International Organisation for Migration suggested that “more than 300 people have disappeared at sea” in this accident alone.

It is unclear precisely how many people die each year trying to cross to Europe from Africa. In February at least 21 migrants from north Africa drowned as their boat capsized near the Canary Islands. In May last year 47 migrants died of starvation and exposure after their boat broke down en route from Libya to Italy.

Many deaths go unrecorded. In some cases entire boats are lost. Only where survivors offer testimony are death tolls known in detail. Among those who attempt to sail from west Africa to the Canary Islands, some are washed into the Atlantic. In one case a boatload of corpses turned up in the Caribbean, apparently a cargo of Africans drifting far off course. A researcher with the Peace Research Institute, Oslo, estimated in 2007 there were 10-20 deaths per thousand migrants who attempted to cross from Africa to Spanish territory. At least 45,000 migrants reached Spanish and Italian territory alone in 2008. Total movement by migrants across the Mediterranean, including those who travel to Greece, Malta and elsewhere, is significantly higher.

Migrants appear to be dying in much greater numbers than they did a decade ago, for a variety of reasons. The amount of migrants attempting to cross from Africa to Europe may be rising. In addition safer and easier routes of old have been closed, such as from Morocco to the Canary Islands, or across the Strait of Gibraltar to Spain. More effective patrols in some areas by Frontex, the European border agency, are forcing migrants to attempt more arduous routes. Some are reportedly setting off for Europe in craft from as far south as Gambia in west Africa. In the Mediterranean new routes have been opening, for example from Egypt to Turkey and from Turkey to Greek islands.

As European governments strike deals with their counterparts in north Africa, more efforts to crack down on migrants are expected. In some cases, in exchange for aid and other assistance, Frontex conducts joint patrols with African navies. In other cases repatriation is made easier, in an effort to deter migrants from attempting their journey. European governments also encourage the likes of Morocco and Libya to deter the arrival of African migrants in their countries in the first place.

But as crossing the border becomes more difficult and expensive, would-be migrants increasingly rely on the expertise of people-traffickers. Migrants report paying hundreds—sometimes thousands—of dollars for passage across the Mediterranean, with the traffickers keen to cram as many fee-payers on to a single boat as possible, in order to maximise profits. As the boats and equipment are abandoned on arrival in Europe, the craft are often cheaply built and carry woefully inadequate supplies. Those who command the craft are would-be migrants themselves, often former fisherman with a limited knowledge of navigation. Few on board even know how to swim.

Frontex has had some success in shifting migrants from certain routes across the Mediterranean, but it is unclear how many, if any, are deterred entirely from attempting the crossing. Efforts to educate would-be migrants about the dangers of taking to small boats, for example with a poster campaign in Senegal, have had little impact. Migration researchers report that travellers, typically young men, are either fatalistic (believing that God decides their fate) or are so strongly motivated to find a better life in Europe that the risk to their lives is brushed aside.

http://www.economist.com/world/international/displayStory.cfm?story_id=13400731& source=features_box1

Saeglopur

Floating about aimlessly seems such a romantic, unbridled life; letting the current and the wind determine where I end up. So often I want to cast off the ballasts and drift away from everything familiar and mundane. I don't doubt that everyone experiences these types of fantasies - it's what mid-life crises are made of. It's much more an ingrained aspect of my character and personality than it is a desperate urge borne out of a fleeting realization that "this is my life." There is a sense of urgency and desperation that accompanies this desire for ultimate freedom though. At times, it's almost overwhelming; suffocating even.

I have a weekend trip planned and it couldn't be any more timely. I need to get out of town (again). I've taken more time off from work in the month of March than I have in the last 6 months combined, but it's left me unsatisfied, weary and restless. I need a chance to recharge my batteries, find my center. So much has changed so quickly this Spring that I need time to process it all before I go into full-on freak-out mode, abandon everything and head into the wild blue yonder.

Lucky Girl

I was looking back over some old posts today and I was really enjoying how journals (online or hand written) track personal growth in a way that is greater than just chronicling activities. I can read over an entry I wrote over a year ago and remember exactly how I was feeling, what I was experiencing, the people in my life, etc. As I was reading I was also reminded of how perfect timing can sometimes be. I can look back at specific dates, read about how I was frustrated, confused, doubtful, or exhausted and realized that on that same day, or within a couple days something beautiful happened to improve or completely change my circumstances. Those events often go unstated. I've found it easier, or more significant, perhaps, to write about the frustrating circumstances and hardly think twice about all the great things that happen. I felt compelled to write today because I so often let the good periods of my life go unnoticed.

For example, I haven't written anything about how lovely life is right now. Aside from the fact that I find myself loathing my job on a daily basis, everything on either end of 9-5 is fantastic. Really, the job isn't so bad - it's improving in many ways. I have more interesting projects on my desk, better rapport with the head honchos, and I'm recognized as a valuable employee. And even though I feel very scattered in my personal life these days, that only creates minor frustration. I guess what I'm trying to say in a round-a-bout way, is that I'm happy. Life is full of promise and potential right now. Life has also become more serious for me though as I face choices that will impact the rest of my life. They're exciting choices, but I cannot make them as lightly as I have made similar decisions in the past. Suddenly it's a two-man team rather than a solo flight. So while I may have been able to pick up and leave at the drop of a hat a few months ago, that's no longer an option - nor do I want it to be. Now, there are two suitcases to pack, two tickets to purchase, and greater adventures to be had. It's good, but, like anything else, it's an adjustment. For the short amount of time I've had to come to terms with all this, I think I've adapted well, and the only thing I believe I have neglected in this process is the insistent pile of dishes in my sink.

War on Drugs

I've been thinking a lot about drugs, the failed "war" on drugs, the current violence in Mexico related to drug policy, drug education in America, and legalization as a policy solution. Last night I got in to a heated discussion on the matter with someone I respect. While we both agreed that legalization seems to be the best option at this point, we disagreed sharply on the issue as to who is responsible for educating American youth, effectively, on issues such as drugs, alcohol, sex, and tobacco. He argued that the government must provide this education as they are matters of public health and safety. I argued that us, as citizens, must be responsible for ensuring youth know how to appropriately deal with these matters. There are good arguments on either side, but what it really boils down to is that we have fundamentally different views on what the role of government should be in American society.

My stance on just about any issue is that the government's role must be limited to allowing American citizens to enjoy freedoms to the fullest extent, with as little involvement in daily life as possible. This means that the government must protect it's citizens from both external and internal threats to individual freedoms. However, I also strongly believe that in order to enjoy individual freedoms, people must take personal responsibility for the costs and consequences of their actions. I believe that the burden of responsibility has fallen too heavily to the government as citizens begin to demand that the government remand every social ill. What I fear will happen is that as we require the government to meet more and more social needs, it will invade and revoke more and more of our personal freedoms. For example, if citizens demand that the government develop and implement a comprehensive drug education curriculum, we are allowing the government (and all the special interests that influence it so heavily) decide what children are taught about drugs. As unsuccessful as the D.A.R.E. program was, I can't imagine what a nationwide (or even state-wide) curriculum would include.

My solution, instead, is to require companies that manufacture and/or distribute products related to a public health issue, should be responsible for informing the public as to the hazards of use. The Truth Campaign is one example of this already in effect - and having a greater, more positive affect than any former anti-smoking campaign in American history. American teenagers today have a much better informed opinion about the health hazards of cigarettes than any other point in time.

If we're concerned about social responsibility, and you're one of the many people who believe that the collective good has fallen by the wayside to an extremely individualistic mindset in American culture, what better way to create mutual concern for our fellow citizens than to shift the responsibility for each others' well-being back onto society? Government cannot legislate a sense of collective good in society. Businesses that profit from products that create or relate to a public health concern should take responsibility for their product and its consequences. Just like Big Tobacco has had to warn America as to the hazards of smoking cigarettes, and the alcohol industry must include a disclaimer in all advertising to "please consume responsibly," why shouldn't the contraceptive industry be responsible for informing the public about safe sex? Or, should drugs become legalized, why shouldn't that industry be responsible for informing society about the effects and hazards of drug use? It's a matter of personal/corporate responsibility. In the event that drugs are not legalized, why not allow the medical profession to take the lead on this discussion but permitting more and better research on the matter? If we remove the stigma and allow an open debate on the use, misuse, and general effects of drugs , there will finally be room for clear-headed thinking and open discussion.

Hitting the Wall

A common frustration many runners face in a long-distance race is hitting "the wall." It refers to the physical sensation of when your body just gives up. It's not just exhaustion or discomfort, it's that dreamlike feeling of running in cement. I feel like I'm hitting an emotional wall today. Everyone has periods of time when it seems like no matter how hard you push or how hard your try to smile and move through frustrating experiences, you just can't get anywhere.

Over the last couple years I've dealt with these walls by taking some time to make a list of goals and start checking things off. I go for a hard run, I take a yoga class, explore a new hiking trail, read a new book, plan a trip; something to inject a sense of adventure in my life. Right now, I'm doing all those things. I should be happy. I should be energized and inspired. But I'm not. I'm tired, frustrated, and even feeling a bit lonely. This makes it all the more frustrating. I have so much good in my life right now. I have many exciting opportunities and plans. I have a great guy who cares about me (maybe even loves me). I still feel listless.

I think it all comes down to my job at this point. It's a drain on my time and energy. I'm so unmotivated at work. I let things pile up on my desk because, no matter how quickly the deadline is approaching, I can't seem to find the time and energy (between my chatting at the water cooler and internet surfing) to actually get the work done. I had full intention of coming in this past Saturday to try and make a dent in the pile. The thought of spending my precious free time back at my desk made me angry - so I cleaned my apartment, snuggled with Oliver and watched The Big Lebowski instead - much better uses of my weekend.

I was complaining about my job, yet again, in the car last night, and I realized that expend so much negative energy on the issue than if I would just buckle down and get my desk cleared. I know it would change my entire outlook to just get it all done. And yet here I am, writing about how miserable I am at work instead of actually working. I've let my responsibilities slip and I need to exercise a little self discipline to bet back on track - regardless of how I feel. It's just like running a race; I finish it no matter how I feel at mile 20. The difference is, there's a finish line in a race - here there's no real end in sight.

Glimmer

I tend to get very excited about potential opportunities. Even things that may not be very realistic or may be very realistic but so far off in the distance that I should probably just file it away for future daydreaming. Last night one of these little potential opportunities presented itself. Today, I'm having a hard time focusing on work while I let my mind wander and explore this new path. The more I research and mull it over though, the more it becomes feasible and desirable.

As you may know, I've been wanting to go back to graduate school for almost a year now. Teaching at Rivendell last Spring rekindled my interest in academia. I had a couple top choices, and was pretty set on attending either one. A new contender presented itself - out of convenience with this new possibility - and it looks promising. In fact it looks like a better choice in regards to specialization of study, and I'm probably more likely to get a teaching assistanship that will pay for the degree. As with everything else, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself on this. It's just exciting to think about making a change, venturing out, doing something new.

Of course change requires some sacrifice - but as a friend reminded me this morning, some sacrifices are worth making if they help you accomplish a dozen other goals.

"Time to Move On?" Update

I spent a fair amount of time this week updating and polishing my resume. Next week I have a meeting scheduled with two women from The White House Project. Hopefully this will provide some clarity in my pursuit of a political career and some valuable connections.

Also, the one person I sincerely enjoy working with is the "top candidate" for a great City Clerk position. I don't know how long I'll last here without her.

Time to Move On?

I've been working at Dill & Dill for little over seven months now. It's been a decent place to work. Plenty of inter-office backstabbing, gossip, and general bullshit to go around. However, I have learned some interesting things and I genuinely enjoy working for my boss - he really appreciates the work I do for him. I knew when I took the job, that I would not stay for long though. It's always been just a job, not a career. I've also known that when it's time to go, I'll know. Up until now, I haven't felt to freedom to move on. I've felt obligated to stay, as though there's more for me to learn or something more to gain from this position.

In the last three weeks, I've been presented with several new opportunities, and had several conversations with trustworthy people indicating that I should be pursuing my career goals more ambitiously. At the same time though, I've also been given a great opportunity here to do something new, interesting, and very different from any other paralegal work I've done. Right now it's hard for me to determine my next step, and how quickly I need to make my move.

Since working at Rivendell College last Spring, I've felt more inclined to go back to school for my Ph.D., and try to get into teaching. I miss being in a academic environment, and I'm really good at teaching. The more I talk to Jim and hear about his job teaching English at a local language institute, the more envious I get. Plus, I really hate days when I have to work and he doesn't: either because he's between terms, or it's a national holiday (like today). When I count my dwindling vacation days, I long for summer vacations, winter break, spring break, and national holidays (can you tell I'm bitter about having to work today?).

I don't need to make an immediate move. I do need to start gathering application materials for graduate programs that suit my interests, however. I should probably take the GRE again too. I have a pretty solid resume, but scholarships to cover full tuition and paid teaching assistant positions don't come that easy. I can't start a graduate program until Fall 2010, but I will need to begin applying this year. Perhaps I can take a few classes as a non-degree seeking student this summer or fall to earn a few application bonus points and scratch my nerd itch.

I've never been that thrilled with my job, but it felt like the right place to be. There have certainly been some good lessons learned, valuable professional networking, and good relationships gained by working at Dill & Dill. I can see the benefit of it. But it's time to start making my way toward the door, one step at a time.

Steeplechase

So far today has been one hurdle after another; and I'm losing this race. I'm back at the airport, headed to Seattle for military duty, once again. I got a ticket for driving with expired license tags on my way into the economy lot. I forgot my orders and my military ID on the counter in my apartment (strategically placed so I would NOT forget them). So I had to pay the bag check fee, and now I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get on Post without a strip search, eye scan, and blood/urine sample. Oh, and I missed the 45 minute cut-off time for my flight, so I have to take the next plane to Seattle, in two hours.

I'm tired today too. Not just sleepy, but starting to feel a bit weary. I realized the other day that I haven't had one weekend to myself since before Christmas. My apartment is a wreck. The mish-mash and clean and dirty laundry spreads to the back seat of my car. My head is just scattered. The weeks are almost a welcome repose from the weekends at this point. The highlight of the week nights always being a nice, comfortable dinner with Jim. If I was a bit more organized, I would settle for a night by myself to get my act together. But when 5:00 pm hits, the only thing I can think about is seeing him as soon as possible - what's that about? I'm going to really make myself crazy if I don't get myself in order this week though. We have plans to spend Presidents' Weekend in the mountains, skiing. I'll really have to make an effort this week to at least spend 2-3 hours straightening up my world a bit.

This day is bound to get better though. I just need to stop anticipating the worst and go with the flow. Sunday night, when I get home, it's going to be all about cleaning and organizing; getting ready for the week. Well, maybe after a few hours with my man. . .

Ratiocination

I occasionally run across an article in the media that makes me realize how very differently I perceive the world than many people (http://www.economist.com/world/unitedstates/displaystory.cfm?story_id=12931660). The point here is not the subject matter or what they have to say about the 43rd President of the United States. Rather, one remark in particular has been festering in my brain for the last week: "Mr Bush is a convert to an evangelical Christianity that emphasises emotion—particularly the intensely emotional experience of being born again—over ratiocination."

Faith is, by nature, not always logical or reasonable. In fact, I believe that more often than not, faith is exactly the opposite. From what I know of God (through my own experience and others'), He rarely behaves in a manner that seems rational to us. We often forget, or perhaps never recognize, that God's perspective is very different from ours. We have a much smaller view of life, only comprehending the here and now, based on what we know from our limited past. There is much more at work than we can ever realize. In our small-minded nature we can hardly see past the end of our own nose.

I am a strong believer in the fact that God has a distinct purpose for my life that fits into a much greater plan. My life is not the end-all be all. While I sincerely believe that God has my best interest at heart, because he loves me, and cares for me personally and individually, I also know that his plans are far beyond me.

When it comes to reason, I can honestly say that I am really glad that many things in my life have not made "sense." I've prayed and begged for God to do something specific, and when the answer was a resolute "no," I have been hurt, confused, angry, and I felt betrayed. As I continue to grow up and experience blessings, I become thoroughly grateful that my life has NOT gone my way. While I may believe that what I'm doing fits into God's plan, my perception is so inadequate that I can't see how anything else would be good. Then, something happens, a light comes on, the situation changes, and suddenly I can see how little I really know. That's what faith is all about though - taking the first step when you can't see the stairwell. It's not about cold, hard logic, or even reason. It's about trusting that God is sovereign in all things.

12th of September

This month, this spring actually, has been so busy I've hardly had any time to myself. I can feel the effects of it too. I am TIRED. Plus, my apartment is a wreck, the laundry is piled up in every room, dirty dishes from the weekend are waiting to be scrubbed, Oliver hardly recognizes his own mommy any more. It's just been one thing after another for the last few weeks. If I'm not house sitting for a weekend, I'm on military orders. I like being busy, but a girl needs a break every once in a while.

It's a good busy though. I enjoy the things I'm doing right now. Life just feels good, productive, purposeful. My work situation is changing a little too - for the better. I'll still be with good ol' Dill and Dill, but instead of being mired in the monotony of liquor licensing, I'm going to start working with the litigation attorneys on a major case. I'm really excited about getting to do something different and learn a new aspect of the legal field. I don't doubt that it will still be mind numbingly boring, but at least it will be a different repetitive mental motion. I think it will involve primarily document management - there are already 35,000 pages of discovery - but it's an interesting case.

Wouldn't you figure too, that as soon as my current job becomes a little more interesting, a couple other opportunities pop up. Of course there are always military options, and I learned of a few good ones this past weekend. I'm not actively pursuing that route at the moment, but it's not out of the question. Also, I made a contact who has connections in the Governor's Office. I'll go after that with a little greater enthusiasm, but I still feel like I am where I'm supposed to be for now. I don't feel the freedom to leave yet. I've been here for little over a year, and I'm getting settled into the routine. I still enjoy working as a legal assistant in the afternoons and have a great working relationship with the attorney. I sincerely believe that working for him will render great possibilities in the future. Having a glowing recommendation on his letterhead will be an assett to any future job applications. The liquor licensing I can take or leave, and it looks like I may be leaving it shortly. So, things are good in the working world for me.

The other problem with being so busy, is that I've had to push my running schedule to the back burner. I logged some good miles in Seattle, and I've stuck to my Tuesday-Thursday workouts. But I've been absent from my group training runs on Saturdays, and on Mon-Wed-Fri I'm lucky to walk the mile in either direction to work. I think this has effected me mentally/emotionally as much as I've noticed a drop-off in my physical fitness level. I also really wanted to start swimming this winter, and get back into my routine Yoga practice - but neither of those have seemed feasible, even on the loosest days. I think the solution here is to discipline myself to get my booty out of bed in the morning and just do it first thing. I'd rather spend my time in the evenings in other ways these days.

Also, another little change, I've pretty much gone completely vegetarian. With my aversion to dairy products, I'm only eggs, goat cheese and yogurt away from Veganism. Really, though I'm not so strict about it all. If someone prepares me a meal with meat, I'm not going to turn up my nose. I'm just not purchasing animal products (aside from the three listed) for myself, nor ordering them when I eat out. I recently read Food Matters and it really made sense. So, I've filled my evenings trying new vegetarian recipes (for two).

So I have a lot going on these days. I'm happy though. Things are good; really good. In a nice, secure way too - no uncertainty about where all these blessings are coming from either. I feel like I'm where I should be, doing what I'm meant to be doing. Can't get any better than that.

The Itinerary

Today I'm headed to Seattle for a weekend of Army training. I've been looking forward to the trip for a couple weeks now, but the preparation has been one lay-over after another. I spent a good 6 hours on the phone in the last two days trying to finalize flight plans, make hotel reservations, arrange a shuttle from the airport, etc. From the beginning it's been a mess, all culminating with my current status of sitting in the Denver airport waiting to board a late flight. Hurry up and wait; it's the Army way! I have another trip in a couple weeks. Now that I know the ropes, I'm hoping for a smoother experience. It's all worked out okay though. I am pretty disappointed that I won't have the afternoon to explore Seattle on foot (running of course). Instead I get to hang out in Concourse B for 3 hours. I'm hoping to catch a couple free hours on Sunday, and I'm still planning on hitting up a local bar or two in search of the live music for which Seattle is famous.

I've been looking forward to this little vacation/trip for other reasons than just going some place new. I really wanted to take a couple days away, by myself, to clear my head and get a better perspective on my broader itinerary. I'm a planner in many ways; not in the scheduled, calendared, time conscientious way that most people equate with the term 'planner.' I just like to develop a picture in my head of where I'm going, what I'm doing, and planning other things around that. I'm mostly concerned with missed opportunities. I've learned that if I don't put the important things down on paper and keep my goals in mind, I end up not getting to do all the things I really want to do. So when my picture changes, I can be very flexible, but I really need the time to re-envision my future; reevaluate my plans and priorities. I enjoy being spontaneous but some things require a little more forethought.

A weekend in a new city seemed just the right chance to take a step back, and get a more objective view on the most recent developments in my life. Of course, if you've been reading this year, you must have realized to what I am referring.

My relationship status and thus personal life has drastically changed, for the better, in the first three weeks of 2009. It's getting pretty serious pretty quickly. I don't think either of us have any intention of getting out of this anytime soon. That's the thing, relationships can be really easy when the involved parties are on the same page. It just feels good, right, the way a relationship should feel. I don't expect it to be all rainbows and butterflies either. I'm realistic enough to know that relationships always hit speed bumps, but I'm also enough of a romantic to know that sometimes these things just work.

In addition to getting some Hooah training this weekend, I plan on using my time away to look at my plan again; see how this all fits into what I really want out of my life. And spend some time talking with the Big Guy to try and determine how this fits into His plan for my life. I don't sense the red light on this as I have with previous relationships. I'm not forcing it. I don't feel any desperation as though I know I'm wanting something I can't have or that's not intended for me. I think THAT is the real difference in this case. At the risk of taking this over the top way too soon, I feel like this is right. I'm trying to be really careful not to assume too much right off the bat here. But just because it may be all too fast by some standards, this works for me. I've always known that when the right person came along it would be fast and furious. Again, I don't want to imply that there's more going on than there is, but I think there is great potential.

Just like my flight plans today, sometimes the itinerary changes. I've always been one to adjust my course of action when required. I'll turn this fork in the road into a new adventure, see where it goes and enjoy the journey.

Democracy

A crucial requirement in creating and consolidating a successful, stable democracy is that it must be indigenous. Meaning, it must be desired, designed, and driven by the people over which it will govern. Democracy can't be transplanted or dictated by an outside power. The most successful governments are those that are designed to serve and meet the needs of it citizenry. Similarly, the citizens must be committed to serving their democracy. If the people don't trust their government system or don't believe that it fulfills the purpose a government is created to serve, the system will collapse. It's a delicate balance that requires effort from all parties involved.

On the other hand, democracy is not necessarily an "organic" or natural occurrence that just falls in to place. While it has to happen from the ground up, it requires attention and determination; commitment and, often, compromise.

On the verge of the initiation of the next President of the United States, I've been thinking about what it takes for these complex social and political systems to succeed. At this point, you're probably beginning to think that this post belongs on my political musings site rather than my personal musings site. But at the risk of sounding cheesy, I really like the metaphor of building a democracy for building relationships. Relationships, like democracies, are volatile. They require the same determination and commitment for consolidation, and a certain amount of luck. Democracies, like relationships are about balancing conflicting viewpoints, prioritizing values, making compromises, and developing a trust between parties that allow them to operate relatively harmoniously within a shared proximity. Of course, the crucial difference between democracies and relationships is that when a relationship no longer functions as it should, the involved parties can walk away, especially in the beginning stages; in a democracy, it's not that simple.

Really, nothing is that simple though. The thing about relationships, interpersonal or socio-political, is that they are real. They are not a game. While we like to believe there are rules, both in politics and dating, few things are hard-and-fast. We have to be creative, flexible, and always, always gracious. This is life. How we interact individually, or on a grander scale as society, have consequences that echo farther than we can initially imagine.

Bizarro Kelly

The last week has brought about a strange turn of events. I'm suddenly in a relationship that I could not have expected any less. The even stranger thing is that I'm perfectly at ease with it all. I've seen him almost every day since Friday, and I'm not irritated or feeling smothered. The real trick is going to be not over-thinking this one or talking myself out of it. I'm really determined to just take things one day at a time and let whatever happens, happen.

My friend Nicole laughs at me almost everyday now. She asks, "how's your man?" I just smile and say "good, really good, actually."

Oh, and I met his family. It wasn't awkward in the least. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed it, and am looking forward to the next gathering. He'll get his chance to "walk the minefield," this weekend when my sister plays at a club downtown.

Crazy As Me?

I recently started seeing a guy who has really taken me by surprise over the last few days. He's a friend of a friend and we met several months ago. We went on our first "date" just before the Las Vegas Marathon. It was likely the best first date ever. We discovered many similar interests; we read the same books, enjoy the same films, cook the same foods, share a love of languages, have severely itchy feet, and the conversation never lulled. While I enjoyed his company, I wasn't especially attracted to him. He's not the tall, dark and handsome type toward which I usually gravitate. I agreed to a second date, because there wasn't any real reason not to, besides, I rarely find men who hold my interest for an entire evening. So now I've seen him a few times, and it just feels easy, good. Not just because he has nice manners and follows the typical rules of dating, but more because I don't have to try to come up with things to talk about, or try to modify my normal behavior to fulfill some expectation I think he might have.

Perhaps it's precisely BECAUSE I'm not especially attracted to him, physically, that it's easy to just be myself? At first, I didn't care what he thought about me, so I felt free to say what was on my mind and talk about my experiences, honestly; no candy coating, no elaborations. I had no reason to try and impress him. I certainly wasn't nervous. Also, I think it really makes a difference that we had initially gotten to know each other in casual group settings among mutual friends.

The surprising thing is he really wants to do things with me. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, I AM really fun. The other day he started talking about touring South America for a couple months, with me as a traveling companion. I was a bit taken aback. You know by now that I love traveling, and I especially enjoy South America. So to find a potential traveling buddy is really exciting. My first reaction was "let's buy tickets tomorrow!" A couple days later, I feel compelled to slam on the brakes and retract my initial enthusiastic agreement to such a plan. While the idea thrills me, it's hard for me to trust this guy enough to actually believe that he wants to follow through on this. I really don't want to get too excited about all this until I know he's earnest in his intentions with me. He has mentioned it a couple times since, so I know it wasn't just a drunken, "hey let's do something crazy" idea that no one would actually discuss when sober.

Then the other day, I said, "if we don't make it to South America this year, how about a backpacking trip to the Grand Canyon?" He replied with an enthusiastic "yes!" I made reservations with the Park yesterday. It's really fun finding someone who wants to be with me, even if it involves traveling. And I figure if this doesn't work out or go anywhere, I still have a camping reservation far enough in advance to find a replacement travel companion.

Also, he wants to start running with me, and go to Museums, bookstores, coffee shops, play Scrabble. It feels strange. Even stranger still, I'm not freaking out about the fact that he wants to spend a lot of time with me. Previously, two phone calls in three days was reason to believe "he" was getting too attached too quickly. And seeing the same guy twice in one week was almost unthinkable. However, I did go out last night, see some old friends, and it felt good to reassert the fact, to myself, that I certainly have a life of my own. When I got home, he came over to watch a movie, and I didn't mind at all. When he left, I was ready for him to go.

The other surprise has been that he isn't trying to get into my pants right off the bat. I'm so used to being the "wait" person in my dating relationships. When I asked him if he wanted to come up to my apartment for a little while after a date and he said, "okay, but can we wait on the sex stuff?" I was surprised that he believed that was my intention as much as I was surprised that he wasn't already hot on my tail.

Could it actually be possible that I found someone who is as crazy as I am? Someone worth keeping around for longer than a few weeks? Someone who wants to invest time in me? I'm not convinced yet. But I do know when he says "I'll call you tomorrow," he's not lying, and it doesn't make me cringe, pant for oxygen, or feel like the walls are closing in on me. That's a start.