Tied Down

I had a nervous breakdown last weekend. It couldn't have happened at a worse time. Surrounded by strangers, suffocating in the heat and humidity, overwhelmed from the days' activities, I had a sudden and sneaking realization that "this" was going to be my life. It was all laid out before me; the expectations, the obligations, the respects paid and sacrifices made. And no one else seemed to notice how utterly perfect and yet so wrong it all was. I don't belong here. I'm an impostor; but welcomed like one of the family. I couldn't breathe. I had to get out. I slept in the back seat of the car; the two-door coupe. I had to be alone, regain my independence. I'm not sure where I lost it?

Is that an inevitable aspect of relationships, losing one's separateness? One's individuality? One's single-ness?

What happens if I'm not ready to surrender that yet? What happens to the rest of my life if I just give in now? Give in to their expectations? What am I losing? Does what I gain out-weigh all that I lose? Losing something I don't have, yet, for something so secure, something seemingly sealed?

And what does he have to sacrifice? Nothing. He's had his time. He's had his adventures. He's gone places, seen things, lived his life as he pleases, no regard for these domestic expectations.

I knew it was a mistake to go through that stack of old photos in his apartment. It's just proof that you have lived a life that I will never get to experience, not at this rate any way. And I have no one to blame but myself. My own laziness, my own lack of focus and ambition, my own fear. I should have made more opportunities for myself. I have a lot to offer, but I've let my self-doubt, my insecurities, hold me back; tie me down.