Selfish

If you know me or have read much of this blog, you are already familiar with my frustration with other women. I admit it is rather self-righteous of me to be so harsh and assume that I don't fall into the same pattern of behavior that seems so natural for my sex. Self-righteous or not, I can't help being angry.

What really irks me is that I am quickly judged by these women for my choices NOT to be a wife and mother. Perhaps they're jealous of my freedom? Perhaps they feel I'm denying the obligation that comes with having a uterus? Perhaps they just want me to follow the rules and join the Mommy Club? They are free to hold whatever grudge they want against me, but please, please don't tell me I'm being selfish for not making the same decisions they have made.

Over the last year I think I have grown up enough to set and maintain boundaries for myself. I know who I am, I know what I want for myself, and what I want out of my life. I have high hopes for myself, and I don't intend to lose sight of my goals. If my visions don't include chasing a toddler around a yard encircled by a white-picket fence in suburban, upper-middle class America, that's OK. It's my vision, my life. I can get what I want out of it. If that makes you uncomfortable, that's your problem.

I realize at this point that I am wrongly focusing my frustration instead of confronting the true source. While I might be frustrated by the stay-at-home-mom scenario, what really scares me is that this seems to be where I'm headed. I feel my life slipping away, passing me by. I'm stuck. I want desperately to get away, but where? Volunteer for an overseas deployment? At least I get out of this current situation. I can't stay where I am. And once the year or so is up, I'll have a small fortune saved to go and do what I please. I don't even have to come back. I can disappear; slip out of this grip of growing obligations that's tightening every day.

Perhaps it seems contradictory to take up the Army life in order to gain freedom. But it's a limited amount of time with endless possibility to follow. I can do anything for a set amount of time. If I have an identified end-point, I only have to remind myself "this won't last forever," and focus on the task at hand. While my life here in Denver isn't bad, to say the least, it seems to stretch out endlessly ahead of me, unchanging, uninterrupted, and completely unfufilling.

I've always felt there's too much world to see to be stuck in one place. I'm beginning to feel stuck, and I need to get out fast, before I accumulate too much baggage.