The last couple weeks have kept me very busy. And it doesn't look like things will be changing anytime soon. It's funny to look back a few months ago and wonder how I was going to fill all my free time. These days free time is a rarity. Even sleep has been hard to come by. While I'm enjoying the activity, it has required quite an adjustment.
The last couple weeks I've been working at Vodafone in the mornings and for the attorney in the afternoon, except on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I teach at Rivendell in the mornings. On top of that, my marathon training has kicked into full gear. I ran 8 miles this morning with my Team in Training team. During the week I'm running thirty to forty-five minutes a day and weight training a couple times a week. I've been doing most of my workouts in the evenings which means I can't get to sleep before midnight. Then getting up by six in the mornings is taking a toll on my body. My workout goal this week is just to shift my training hours so I can get up earlier and get to bed earlier.
Anyway, I'm continuing at Vodafone throughout March as well as doing my annual military training. I'm not sure how it's going to work out yet. In my planner it looks great, but there isn't much room for error.
The great part is that I'm actually working full time at several things that I really enjoy. The pay will be great too. I just hope I can keep it up. My weekends have suddenly become way too short, and very valuable.
The goal to this would be to pay off a majority of my debt in the next couple months while I'm living with my parents and have few expenses. Then I can get a place of my own. I've been looking downtown. I made a deal with myself though, that I have to take care of my medical debt and pay down my credit card debt before I move in to my own apartment. I hope that will be adequate motivation to be more frugal in my spending.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Girl Talk (Part 1)
INTRODUCTION
This is the first in a series of posts in which I work through my issues with other women. I have lots of them. I really don't like women, in general, and while I like some women, in particular, and have many very dear female friends and confidants, I don't like what womanhood or femininity represent. And I really don't like women who embrace these norms. I realize that this is a problem. I also realize that anyone who reads this may be offended or downright disgusted by some of what I'm going to say, but I am a firm believer that problems never get solved through dishonesty or denial. Bear with me as I work through this.
I've been trying to remember when I started feeling this way about women. Growing up my mother was quite severe toward men, having experienced her own measure of discrimination. But I think this also ingrained in me a dislike for women who refused to take the opportunities presented to them, or pursue the occupations and activities that had previously been unavailable to them. Nonetheless, I longed to be feminine. As a girl I only wore pink, purple, and white, arguing that other colors were "boy colors." I begged for gymnastics and dance lessons. I loved reading books with female characters. One of my favorite book series growing up was the "Mandy" series. It was a series of books about a girl, Mandy, living in North Carolina at the turn of the century who solved mysteries with the help of an old Cherokee man who had been able to avoid the Trail of Tears. Anyway, I loved these books. Not just because they were mystery stories, but because Mandy refused to abide by restrictive social norms of the day, but still managed to maintain a semblance of feminity in necessary circumstances.
I think in high school I became more aware of my dislike for what I perceive to be the weakness of feminity. No particular event comes to mind, but I remember hating Jane Austen books. Not because I had read and disliked her, but more because those were the types of books that girly-girls read and liked. Those romantic stories were for silly women with mushy hearts. I was determined not to be one of them. Now, I admit my ignorance, and after reading my share of Jane Austin, I have renounced my aversion toward her. Although the recent release of several movies, The Jane Austen Book Club, and Finding Jane are re-awakening my distaste for the way women distort her writing to become a method for finding a man, as if that's the end-all-be-all of female existence.
ISSUE #1: The Problem with Motherhood as a Life Goal
The first issue I want to tackle is my problem with women who "just want to get married and have babies." Over the last couple years I have changed my opinion drastically about children. Perhaps not that drastically, I think I've only been willing to say outright what I've thought for most of my adult life. Most of my acquaintances can attest to the fact that I don't want anything to do with children. I'm not mean to them, in fact, children really seem to like me. There was a moment a few months ago when I was sitting in purgatory aka the DMV, and there was a little girl about 3 years old who was just wandering around crying. BAWLING. Open-mouth, tear soaked face, wailing. I made a disgusted face and looked around to identify what irresponsible and inconsiderate adult would dare bring a child into a public place, let alone let that child behave in such a manner. Within a few seconds my eyes connected with the girl's eyes and suddenly she stopped crying. She snapped her mouth shut, rubbed her fist across her cheek and walked over to me, finger in her mouth. As she approached she waved at me with her free hand (flinging tear drops from her fingers). I was stunned, but I felt my face soften into a smile. Before she actually put her slimey little hands on me, her mom walked by snatched the girl's hand out of her mouth and yanked her out the door. The little kept looking back at me as her mom dragged her out to the car. All this to say that I am not an evil child eating witch. I just don't particularly like children. I don't want them in my place of business, or in the restaurants I eat at, in the grocery store, or anywhere in close proximity.
There are days, about once a month, when I actually like children, I smile at them on the bus, I think they're cute and imagine having one of my own. Then I wake up and smell the baby puke on my sweater and realize it's just the heightened level of hormones rushing to my ovaries and my "biological clock" ticking away. I've often sneered in disgust at the desperation many women feel to have children. There's a Friends episode where Joey and Chandler take Ross's baby Ben out with the hope of picking up women. One of the first women they encounter comments on how cute the baby is, following it up with "I think my uterus just skipped." UGH. Even one of my favorite authors, Isabelle Allende, noted that she starts her books with the first sentence "from the womb, not the mind." As if thinking with the heart isn't ridiculous enough, now women are thinking with their wombs?
After weeks of sorting through this particular issue, (I started this post February 18, it is now March 12), I had a realization. In a completely unrelated incident, I was struck by the fact that those things we hate are most often the things we fear. This isn't an original idea, but it became very real to me when I had a negative reaction toward two guys dressed in very "urban" clothing. I realized that I don't dislike those guys in particular, but the way that they dressed, their defiant limp, represented something that created a fearful reaction. So, what is it about women with children that scares me? It's not children or marriage within itself that is so terrifying, but it's the loss of freedom they represent.
This is the first in a series of posts in which I work through my issues with other women. I have lots of them. I really don't like women, in general, and while I like some women, in particular, and have many very dear female friends and confidants, I don't like what womanhood or femininity represent. And I really don't like women who embrace these norms. I realize that this is a problem. I also realize that anyone who reads this may be offended or downright disgusted by some of what I'm going to say, but I am a firm believer that problems never get solved through dishonesty or denial. Bear with me as I work through this.
I've been trying to remember when I started feeling this way about women. Growing up my mother was quite severe toward men, having experienced her own measure of discrimination. But I think this also ingrained in me a dislike for women who refused to take the opportunities presented to them, or pursue the occupations and activities that had previously been unavailable to them. Nonetheless, I longed to be feminine. As a girl I only wore pink, purple, and white, arguing that other colors were "boy colors." I begged for gymnastics and dance lessons. I loved reading books with female characters. One of my favorite book series growing up was the "Mandy" series. It was a series of books about a girl, Mandy, living in North Carolina at the turn of the century who solved mysteries with the help of an old Cherokee man who had been able to avoid the Trail of Tears. Anyway, I loved these books. Not just because they were mystery stories, but because Mandy refused to abide by restrictive social norms of the day, but still managed to maintain a semblance of feminity in necessary circumstances.
I think in high school I became more aware of my dislike for what I perceive to be the weakness of feminity. No particular event comes to mind, but I remember hating Jane Austen books. Not because I had read and disliked her, but more because those were the types of books that girly-girls read and liked. Those romantic stories were for silly women with mushy hearts. I was determined not to be one of them. Now, I admit my ignorance, and after reading my share of Jane Austin, I have renounced my aversion toward her. Although the recent release of several movies, The Jane Austen Book Club, and Finding Jane are re-awakening my distaste for the way women distort her writing to become a method for finding a man, as if that's the end-all-be-all of female existence.
ISSUE #1: The Problem with Motherhood as a Life Goal
The first issue I want to tackle is my problem with women who "just want to get married and have babies." Over the last couple years I have changed my opinion drastically about children. Perhaps not that drastically, I think I've only been willing to say outright what I've thought for most of my adult life. Most of my acquaintances can attest to the fact that I don't want anything to do with children. I'm not mean to them, in fact, children really seem to like me. There was a moment a few months ago when I was sitting in purgatory aka the DMV, and there was a little girl about 3 years old who was just wandering around crying. BAWLING. Open-mouth, tear soaked face, wailing. I made a disgusted face and looked around to identify what irresponsible and inconsiderate adult would dare bring a child into a public place, let alone let that child behave in such a manner. Within a few seconds my eyes connected with the girl's eyes and suddenly she stopped crying. She snapped her mouth shut, rubbed her fist across her cheek and walked over to me, finger in her mouth. As she approached she waved at me with her free hand (flinging tear drops from her fingers). I was stunned, but I felt my face soften into a smile. Before she actually put her slimey little hands on me, her mom walked by snatched the girl's hand out of her mouth and yanked her out the door. The little kept looking back at me as her mom dragged her out to the car. All this to say that I am not an evil child eating witch. I just don't particularly like children. I don't want them in my place of business, or in the restaurants I eat at, in the grocery store, or anywhere in close proximity.
There are days, about once a month, when I actually like children, I smile at them on the bus, I think they're cute and imagine having one of my own. Then I wake up and smell the baby puke on my sweater and realize it's just the heightened level of hormones rushing to my ovaries and my "biological clock" ticking away. I've often sneered in disgust at the desperation many women feel to have children. There's a Friends episode where Joey and Chandler take Ross's baby Ben out with the hope of picking up women. One of the first women they encounter comments on how cute the baby is, following it up with "I think my uterus just skipped." UGH. Even one of my favorite authors, Isabelle Allende, noted that she starts her books with the first sentence "from the womb, not the mind." As if thinking with the heart isn't ridiculous enough, now women are thinking with their wombs?
After weeks of sorting through this particular issue, (I started this post February 18, it is now March 12), I had a realization. In a completely unrelated incident, I was struck by the fact that those things we hate are most often the things we fear. This isn't an original idea, but it became very real to me when I had a negative reaction toward two guys dressed in very "urban" clothing. I realized that I don't dislike those guys in particular, but the way that they dressed, their defiant limp, represented something that created a fearful reaction. So, what is it about women with children that scares me? It's not children or marriage within itself that is so terrifying, but it's the loss of freedom they represent.
If you know me very well, you know that few things cause me more anxiety than missing opportunities. The number one source of anxiety in my life is my intense realization that often choosing one option or taking one path eliminates all other possibilities. It follows that I am essentially paralyzed in the face of major life decisions. I love possibilities. I love to talk about options, plans, hopes, things I want to do. Again if you know me, I've probably driven you crazy with multiple conversations about something new that I want to do, a new career plan, a new adventure, a new opportunity to learn or go or do. So marriage and motherhood sparks in me this intense fear and anxiety that I will be STUCK with children for 18 years of my life. I never want to be so responsible for another human being that I lose my individuality and independence. I have worked too hard to define my identity and I am working on making my mark in history, to lose that, and to lose the freedom of choosing between millions of opportunities feels like losing the whole world.
If you are one of those women who "just wants to get married and have babies," understand that it is not you nor your child that I hate, but rather I hate the loss of freedom that you represent. I guess it's possible that some women find freedom and fulfillment in raising children,; good for you. Next time I see you toting your toddler and pushing your infant in a stroller, I'll try to understand that this is the life you chose for yourself, and I am making my own choices. If I look a bit smug, it's only because I know I will never regret eliminating the possibility that I will be in your shoes.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Random Thoughts of Bliss
Life is good these days.
For the first time in a long time I am happy. And I've actually been happy for a little while now.
I worked at Vodafone again this week. Last time I was there it was just after New Years. It was a nice milestone for me to realize that I'm six weeks into 2008 and I am exactly where I hoped I would be. I've been sticking to my resolutions, keeping my goals, making the lifestyle changes I wanted to make. I think it's safe to say that I am developing habits out of my resolutions. It feels good, mature. I'm starting to grow up and I am surprised to find that I like it.
Ironically enough, I am also moving back into my parents' house at the end of the month. Actually it's really exciting to anticipate saving my rent money. I really want to move to downtown Denver. In order to afford it, I need to save a couple months for a deposit and moving costs, etc. As I walked from my office bulding to the bus stop (I took the long way) I passed by a few apartment buildings advertising vacancies. I couldn't help but notice the half a dozen attractive men out for a jog or walking their dogs. I was beginning to wonder where they all live.
For the first time in a long time I am happy. And I've actually been happy for a little while now.
I worked at Vodafone again this week. Last time I was there it was just after New Years. It was a nice milestone for me to realize that I'm six weeks into 2008 and I am exactly where I hoped I would be. I've been sticking to my resolutions, keeping my goals, making the lifestyle changes I wanted to make. I think it's safe to say that I am developing habits out of my resolutions. It feels good, mature. I'm starting to grow up and I am surprised to find that I like it.
Ironically enough, I am also moving back into my parents' house at the end of the month. Actually it's really exciting to anticipate saving my rent money. I really want to move to downtown Denver. In order to afford it, I need to save a couple months for a deposit and moving costs, etc. As I walked from my office bulding to the bus stop (I took the long way) I passed by a few apartment buildings advertising vacancies. I couldn't help but notice the half a dozen attractive men out for a jog or walking their dogs. I was beginning to wonder where they all live.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
The Part Where You Let Go
I really like this song and just wanted to share it. Enjoy!
When the rain breaks the road
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To your last good day
When the stone breaks the wheel
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
Til the stone rolls away
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And tumbling out of a window
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
When the sun leaves the field
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To the last sweet light
When the flame leaves your eyes
I still see you there
I still see you there
On your darkest night
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you now
As your hand's breaking free
I am holding on
I am holding on
As you've held on to me
And I don't know
Is this the part where we let go
Tumbling out of a window
Is this the part you're there for me
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
-Dan Messe (Hem)
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To your last good day
When the stone breaks the wheel
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
Til the stone rolls away
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And tumbling out of a window
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
When the sun leaves the field
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To the last sweet light
When the flame leaves your eyes
I still see you there
I still see you there
On your darkest night
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you now
As your hand's breaking free
I am holding on
I am holding on
As you've held on to me
And I don't know
Is this the part where we let go
Tumbling out of a window
Is this the part you're there for me
And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
-Dan Messe (Hem)
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Into the Wild
A few years ago I read the book Waking the Dead by John Eldridge. Few books have really changed my perspective on life and spirituality as much it did. I've always been a reader, and I've loved stories for long before I learned to read. I love that stories and books take me to another world, make a different life real to me. For as long as I can remember I've dreamed about being a part of one of my stories. Even well into my teens I imagined myself as a characters in my favorite books. By the time I started college, intellectualism had become the altar on which I worshipped, and I forced those silly thoughts out of my head, abandoning imagination as a childish tendency. Then I read Waking the Dead. Eldridge actually uses fairy tales and epic stories to tell truths about God and life! Suddenly it was okay to imagine that I am part of a greater story. Not just okay, but healthy, and enlightening.
I'm an adventurer at heart. I often imagine that if I had enough cash to pay off my debt, I would free myself from this prison of materialism, competition, and greed and hit the road, catch a train, sail to the ends of the earth. It's an entirely romantic notion to live with that kind of freedom. Free from time and obligation.
Last night my sister and I attended a showing of Into the Wild at CU. It's based on the book by the same title by John Krakauer about Christopher McCandless, a 23 year old college graduate who hitchhikes to Alaska as an attempt to experience the world as nature intends and escape a painful home life. His entire journey makes a wonderful and tragic adventure. "For two years he walks the earth. Ultimate freedom."
The whole time I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to leave everything behind and venture into the wild myself. Wonderment became desire and desire, longing, then finally desperation.
After I dropped my sister off, I cried the entire ride home. Not just cried, but wept, sobbed. I was overcome by this sense that I am missing something in my life. I am tethered to this pile of debt and obligation that is preventing me from living the life I was created to live. Even now, the lump in my throat is growing as I think about all the time I've wasted. I want so much more out of life, but I feel like it is just beyond my grasp. There is so much world out there, and I am missing it.
I'm an adventurer at heart. I often imagine that if I had enough cash to pay off my debt, I would free myself from this prison of materialism, competition, and greed and hit the road, catch a train, sail to the ends of the earth. It's an entirely romantic notion to live with that kind of freedom. Free from time and obligation.
Last night my sister and I attended a showing of Into the Wild at CU. It's based on the book by the same title by John Krakauer about Christopher McCandless, a 23 year old college graduate who hitchhikes to Alaska as an attempt to experience the world as nature intends and escape a painful home life. His entire journey makes a wonderful and tragic adventure. "For two years he walks the earth. Ultimate freedom."
The whole time I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to leave everything behind and venture into the wild myself. Wonderment became desire and desire, longing, then finally desperation.
After I dropped my sister off, I cried the entire ride home. Not just cried, but wept, sobbed. I was overcome by this sense that I am missing something in my life. I am tethered to this pile of debt and obligation that is preventing me from living the life I was created to live. Even now, the lump in my throat is growing as I think about all the time I've wasted. I want so much more out of life, but I feel like it is just beyond my grasp. There is so much world out there, and I am missing it.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Milk and Traffic
Today I decided, after sitting in traffic for two and a half hours to travel a total of 18 miles, that I hate driving. I've known for a long time that once I get behind the wheel of a car, I transform into a different person. Everyone on the road suddenly becomes my enemy as we compete for space on the highway. I yell and curse, get angry about things that the object of my frustration is completely oblivious to. What really gets me is why other drivers can't feel my frustration and just all pull to either side of the road letting me drive right down the middle to my destination. Taking the bus everyday has allowed me not only to have a chance to interact with other people, it has given me the freedom to view them as friendly fellow humans going about their day, not selfish, stupid, road hogs.
The other thing I learned today is that milk is not my friend. I traded dairy for soy products as of January 1. I also quit drinking coffee (gasp!). But after my red-faced frustration on the road this morning, I decided I would treat myself with a tall, non-fat, one-pump cinnamon dolce latte, no whip. About two sips in, I felt the lactose taking its effect. Usually I am not sensitive to foods. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel any side effects other than satiety. But after nearly three weeks without dairy, I now understand a little better how my body works.
Add that to my list of resolutions: No more driving and no more milk. I (and everyone around me, on the road or not) will be much happier and healthier for it.
The other thing I learned today is that milk is not my friend. I traded dairy for soy products as of January 1. I also quit drinking coffee (gasp!). But after my red-faced frustration on the road this morning, I decided I would treat myself with a tall, non-fat, one-pump cinnamon dolce latte, no whip. About two sips in, I felt the lactose taking its effect. Usually I am not sensitive to foods. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel any side effects other than satiety. But after nearly three weeks without dairy, I now understand a little better how my body works.
Add that to my list of resolutions: No more driving and no more milk. I (and everyone around me, on the road or not) will be much happier and healthier for it.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Happiness
An article in my favorite news magazine struck me as funny. It discusses all the characteristics of happy people, describes who is most likely to be happy and in general reviews two books that take a shot at analyzing happiness. The most interesting statement in the article, "Happy is the new sad." Meaning that just being happy isn't good enough for people anymore. Happiness is something that we consider, especially in America, to be an "inalienable right." One of the authors points out that you can't really have happiness without experiencing pain and melancholy. I think the article concludes on a perfect note, quoting Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
In case you want to read it for yourself:
http://www.economist.com/books/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10529960&CFID=5893580&CFTOKEN=6bbb29e84bc48d01-B4441861-B27C-BB00-012BA0E5400D08EB
In case you want to read it for yourself:
http://www.economist.com/books/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10529960&CFID=5893580&CFTOKEN=6bbb29e84bc48d01-B4441861-B27C-BB00-012BA0E5400D08EB
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Isolation and Interaction
Recently I've been using public transportation to get to and from work. Not only has it saved me from sky-high gas prices, but it has saved me hours upon hours of time that I would usually waste sitting in traffic, cursing other drivers. Rather, I have forty-five minutes to an hour to read, listen to music, relax, unwind. I can be completely oblivious to driving conditions, weather, time. At first I used to get frustrated when I didn't get to my destination quick enough or when the stops took too long. Now that I've acknowledged that all of that is beyond my control, and completely insignificant, I can completely relax and enjoy the ride.
One of the best benefits of riding the bus everyday is the human interaction. I've realized how easily we can become isolated from the rest of our species simply through our mode of transportation. Every day, twice a day, I look out the window to see thousands of people in their cars, alone, sitting in traffic. I can relate to that, after being a single driver for years. I would turn on my music and get lost in my own head. I still have that option on the bus, but I also have the opportunity to engage with other people.
Now I understand that by making eye-contact and smiling a complete strangers on board public transportation carries some risk. I might get involved in a conversation with someone who won't stop gabbing or who has bad breath or whatever. But there is a greater likelihood, I've found of having thoroughly pleasant conversations.
On Tuesday, for example, I met this smart, polite, interesting, funny (very nice looking) guy on my ride home. He's a political science student at CU Denver. We struck up a conversation and chatted the whole time. After a year of struggling to meet people, it was nice to know that it can be that easy.
Today, while I was waiting for my local transfer bus in Denver, I started talking with an older woman. She was sweet and talkative. She is in the process of changing careers so we shared stories about the trials and tribulations of job hunting.
For me public transportation has had a very humanizing effect. It's nice to be reminded that we're all just people orbiting this lonely planet, moving about our daily lives. When my life intersects with another it's an opportunity to exit the rat race for a minute and look outside myself. I welcome those chances as often as they may come.
One of the best benefits of riding the bus everyday is the human interaction. I've realized how easily we can become isolated from the rest of our species simply through our mode of transportation. Every day, twice a day, I look out the window to see thousands of people in their cars, alone, sitting in traffic. I can relate to that, after being a single driver for years. I would turn on my music and get lost in my own head. I still have that option on the bus, but I also have the opportunity to engage with other people.
Now I understand that by making eye-contact and smiling a complete strangers on board public transportation carries some risk. I might get involved in a conversation with someone who won't stop gabbing or who has bad breath or whatever. But there is a greater likelihood, I've found of having thoroughly pleasant conversations.
On Tuesday, for example, I met this smart, polite, interesting, funny (very nice looking) guy on my ride home. He's a political science student at CU Denver. We struck up a conversation and chatted the whole time. After a year of struggling to meet people, it was nice to know that it can be that easy.
Today, while I was waiting for my local transfer bus in Denver, I started talking with an older woman. She was sweet and talkative. She is in the process of changing careers so we shared stories about the trials and tribulations of job hunting.
For me public transportation has had a very humanizing effect. It's nice to be reminded that we're all just people orbiting this lonely planet, moving about our daily lives. When my life intersects with another it's an opportunity to exit the rat race for a minute and look outside myself. I welcome those chances as often as they may come.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Searching for God Knows What
I've been reading the Donald Miller book Searching for God Knows What during my morning transit. If you've never read Blue Like Jazz, you should, it will change your life. It provides a reasoned and enlightened perspective on how to be a Christian in the world today. I read it a few years ago and came to the realization that the real gospel is not being right or knowing facts about God and the Bible, or even about adhering to specific doctrine. The gospel is a love story; story of grace, forgiveness, courage, and relationship. It challenged my whole idea of what it meant to be a Christian. Other than C.S. Lewis, Donald Miller has to be my favorite theologian.
I started Searching for God Knows What anticipating a similar experience.
I'm about half-way through right now, and I already know I'm going to have to read it again with pen and paper in hand so I can really process everything Miller has to say. It's good stuff, and I really want to get my head around it.
What I love about reading Miller is that he converses with his reader in a casual, vulnerable way. He's painfully honest at times; discussing those secret selfish desires people hold in the dark places of their hearts. This really resonates with me, and I believe it would strike anyone who grew up faithfully in the church only to realize later in life that it was just another measuring stick within a social hierarchy. So many people waste so much time hiding their sins, and then condemn someone else who confesses to the same problem. I was fortunate enough (though it felt completely opposite at the time) to lose any sense of self-righteousness when I was still in high school. I really take joy from that experience now because I believe it made me more capable of loving people. The experience made me more compassionate, more gracious; and I am truly thankful for that lesson, no matter how painful.
One of the most prevalent analogies Miller uses is the lifeboat scenario. You know this illustration: you are in a lifeboat with a group of people, you must decide who gets thrown overboard in order to keep the boat afloat. Everyone on board is subject to evaluation and comparison, and he/she that is found least valuable is tossed out to sea. Miller uses this analogy to describe the type of world in which we live. Think about it, we are always comparing ourselves to other people to see if rank above or below them on the social ladder. We place so much emphasis on how we look, what we own, careers, money, etc. so that we can demonstrate our value to the other people on the lifeboat, and thus secure a spot on board.
The main point of this illustration, and of the book so far, is that we are relational people. We need someone to love and affirm us in order to understand our own worth. That's the interesting thing about relationships. If we are surrounded by people who consistently affirm our value and demonstrate love, we feel whole, secure. Miller admits that this all sounds weak and co-dependent. There's an established belief in American culture that we need to be independent, believe in ourselves, and rely on our own knowledge of ourselves to develop confidence. But really, where does that first indication of value come from? It comes from some one telling and demonstrating to you that you are worth loving. Personally, I flourish in situations where people tell me that I am valued. For example, I have rarely enjoyed a job as much as I enjoy my current position. It has absolutely nothing to do with the actual tasks I am performing, and everything to do with the fact that the people I work for and with appreciate me. I walk in the door, and I hear "Kelly!" as though they are so glad and relieved that I am there. It's a nice feeling to be wanted. It does give me a sense of worth, a sense of security. These people won't throw me overboard. So I look forward to going to work everyday.
What is really interesting though, is that this sense of worth and security has enabled me to demonstrate to others that I appreciate them. I'm not afraid of earning someone's favor, because I already feel valued, so I can love more freely and give more generously.
The point, though, really, is not so much that we need other people to make us feel good about ourselves. What we really need is a relationship with God. Miller quotes "his friend" John MacMurray in stating, "the most unselfish thing that a God who is truly loving could do is to create beings to enjoy Himself." If God is completely loving, and all the while indiscriminant with who he loves, then the best thing he could do is share that love.
Another interesting thing that Miller brings up is that what we often feel as "love" is more the desire for the person toward whom those feelings are directed (or with whom they're connected) to love us. It's not really genuine desire to make that person happy or fulfilled or even to enjoy their company and know them completely, but rather we want them to affirm us. The more I thought about this, the more I realized how selfish I have been in my relationships. I often say "I love you" hoping that someone will say it back. Not just that, but I do or say other things to gain their approval or affection. I don't want to be selfish in my relationships anymore. I want to tell people I love them and truly mean it. So what does that mean anyway. More on that later.
I started Searching for God Knows What anticipating a similar experience.
I'm about half-way through right now, and I already know I'm going to have to read it again with pen and paper in hand so I can really process everything Miller has to say. It's good stuff, and I really want to get my head around it.
What I love about reading Miller is that he converses with his reader in a casual, vulnerable way. He's painfully honest at times; discussing those secret selfish desires people hold in the dark places of their hearts. This really resonates with me, and I believe it would strike anyone who grew up faithfully in the church only to realize later in life that it was just another measuring stick within a social hierarchy. So many people waste so much time hiding their sins, and then condemn someone else who confesses to the same problem. I was fortunate enough (though it felt completely opposite at the time) to lose any sense of self-righteousness when I was still in high school. I really take joy from that experience now because I believe it made me more capable of loving people. The experience made me more compassionate, more gracious; and I am truly thankful for that lesson, no matter how painful.
One of the most prevalent analogies Miller uses is the lifeboat scenario. You know this illustration: you are in a lifeboat with a group of people, you must decide who gets thrown overboard in order to keep the boat afloat. Everyone on board is subject to evaluation and comparison, and he/she that is found least valuable is tossed out to sea. Miller uses this analogy to describe the type of world in which we live. Think about it, we are always comparing ourselves to other people to see if rank above or below them on the social ladder. We place so much emphasis on how we look, what we own, careers, money, etc. so that we can demonstrate our value to the other people on the lifeboat, and thus secure a spot on board.
The main point of this illustration, and of the book so far, is that we are relational people. We need someone to love and affirm us in order to understand our own worth. That's the interesting thing about relationships. If we are surrounded by people who consistently affirm our value and demonstrate love, we feel whole, secure. Miller admits that this all sounds weak and co-dependent. There's an established belief in American culture that we need to be independent, believe in ourselves, and rely on our own knowledge of ourselves to develop confidence. But really, where does that first indication of value come from? It comes from some one telling and demonstrating to you that you are worth loving. Personally, I flourish in situations where people tell me that I am valued. For example, I have rarely enjoyed a job as much as I enjoy my current position. It has absolutely nothing to do with the actual tasks I am performing, and everything to do with the fact that the people I work for and with appreciate me. I walk in the door, and I hear "Kelly!" as though they are so glad and relieved that I am there. It's a nice feeling to be wanted. It does give me a sense of worth, a sense of security. These people won't throw me overboard. So I look forward to going to work everyday.
What is really interesting though, is that this sense of worth and security has enabled me to demonstrate to others that I appreciate them. I'm not afraid of earning someone's favor, because I already feel valued, so I can love more freely and give more generously.
The point, though, really, is not so much that we need other people to make us feel good about ourselves. What we really need is a relationship with God. Miller quotes "his friend" John MacMurray in stating, "the most unselfish thing that a God who is truly loving could do is to create beings to enjoy Himself." If God is completely loving, and all the while indiscriminant with who he loves, then the best thing he could do is share that love.
Another interesting thing that Miller brings up is that what we often feel as "love" is more the desire for the person toward whom those feelings are directed (or with whom they're connected) to love us. It's not really genuine desire to make that person happy or fulfilled or even to enjoy their company and know them completely, but rather we want them to affirm us. The more I thought about this, the more I realized how selfish I have been in my relationships. I often say "I love you" hoping that someone will say it back. Not just that, but I do or say other things to gain their approval or affection. I don't want to be selfish in my relationships anymore. I want to tell people I love them and truly mean it. So what does that mean anyway. More on that later.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
All I Need
I've filled the majority of my time this past week or so listening to the Radiohead CD, In Rainbows. I feel compelled to write about because I feel like truth is revealed to me in music more than in other art forms. One of the reasons I love Radiohead is the same reason I love U2; they communicate profound ideas in simple, even gritty, terms. One song on the album has been especially meaningful to me, All I Need. I posted the lyrics below:
I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car
I am all the days
That you choose to ignore
You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm an insect
Trying to get out of the night
I only stick with you
Because there are no others
You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
It's all wrong
It's all right
What I love about this song, other than the haunting and beautiful melody, is that I think everyone has experienced this. When I first started listening I was confused and even angry that the singer longed for someone who treated him so badly. Then there's that line of truth: "I only stick with you, because there are no others." Aha! So he's not satisfied, he's settling. But the more I listened, the more I began to understand that I've been in similar situations, but stuck around because I felt like I NEEDED this person or thing to breathe, to continue, to exist. Sometimes I was willing to sit in the hot car and wait for them/it to come back, because at least they had an animal in the first place, so that must mean something. Or I was willing to play second fiddle or be the follow-up to their performance, because even if I wasn't headlining, at least I was getting to be on stage at all. And just sharing some of their light was enough to keep me satisfied because I was around someone who radiated. There I am, right in the middle of the picture, but I'm so small, so inconsequential, that I'm hidden by the landscape.
I think we've all felt that way. It's one of those universal experiences and we decide, "it's all wrong, but it's all right."
I don't have a plan of action or a word of wisdom on how to get out from under this type of relationship. I just think it's interesting that we are all attracted to something or someone who is bigger than ourselves. We do crazy things to give life greater meaning, whether it be pursuing someone who seems to have it all, hoping they'll share a little piece, or participating in something that might lead to greater fulfillment. I think it speaks to our desire to be valued. We want someone to notice our worth, even if it's because we are associated with someone or something. All I need is not this person or thing, but all I need is to be valued, even if by means of association.
Happiness
I'm experiencing this strange phenomenon in my life right now where it seems like I'm moving out of the holding pattern into a more kinetic state. I actually feel happy. I look forward to getting up in the morning, rather than going back to sleep until the very last moment. I like my job(s). I feel secure in my relationships. I'm looking toward the future and I see potential rather than a gaping darkness. It's a strange, foreign feeling.
It struck me the other day. I was doing something inconsequential like sticking my key into the lock to open the door to my house and I realized I was smiling. I don't know what I was smiling about, but at that second I felt happy, at peace. That hasn't gone away.
I don't want to overanalyze it, because it seems to hard to grasp. I don't want to lose it, or crush it with my fingertips. I just want to enjoy it for as long as I can.
Perhaps if I keep stepping lightly and doing things the way I've been doing them over the last couple weeks this feeling will stick around. Now that WOULD be strange.
It struck me the other day. I was doing something inconsequential like sticking my key into the lock to open the door to my house and I realized I was smiling. I don't know what I was smiling about, but at that second I felt happy, at peace. That hasn't gone away.
I don't want to overanalyze it, because it seems to hard to grasp. I don't want to lose it, or crush it with my fingertips. I just want to enjoy it for as long as I can.
Perhaps if I keep stepping lightly and doing things the way I've been doing them over the last couple weeks this feeling will stick around. Now that WOULD be strange.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Leaf Blowing
It's only been a week, but I am faring quite well in my 2008 goals. So well that I need to add a few more things to the list.
7. I really want to start writing again. I've often thought that one of my life goals should be to write a book. Writing is a process I enjoy and I think I have good things to say. Also, I blew off poetry long ago for prose because it seemed so adolescent. I think I might try my hand at it again. My sister is a talented writer who really enjoys poetry, I might get her to lead me to some new material.
8. This is one of my more run-of-the-mill resolutions, and I've mentioned it before, I have to stop watching so much TV. It's my default activity. Anytime I'm bored or have spare time, I just flip on the tube and tune out. I have seriously thought about selling the TV in my room. This is the first year I've lived with a TV in my bedroom, and it is not healthy. I used to read before bed, now I watch endless hours of Friends. I'm convinced that all those comments about TV rotting your brain are true. My brother's girlfriend says "TV is for the weak-minded," I'm tending toward agreement.
9. One of the most important lessons I think I can take from 2007 is to be more persistent in pursuing what I want. I need to put that lesson into better practice in 2008. I need to clarify my goals, outline strategies for achieving them, then persistently go to work. I'm determined not to be in the same place this time next year. I really feel like 2007 was a waste in many ways, I spent so much time waiting and so little time living.
10. Finally (for now), I need to invest more time in re-building my relationship with God. After so much disappointment, it's hard for me to trust him anymore. But that's what faith is about, trusting and following God even when things are painful and unclear. I haven't been very faithful this year. While it might take a while and I know I'll waver on this point daily, I need to be more intentional about involving or acknowledging God in my life again.
Look out 2008, I'm doing more than turning over a new leaf, I'm blowing them all over the place.
7. I really want to start writing again. I've often thought that one of my life goals should be to write a book. Writing is a process I enjoy and I think I have good things to say. Also, I blew off poetry long ago for prose because it seemed so adolescent. I think I might try my hand at it again. My sister is a talented writer who really enjoys poetry, I might get her to lead me to some new material.
8. This is one of my more run-of-the-mill resolutions, and I've mentioned it before, I have to stop watching so much TV. It's my default activity. Anytime I'm bored or have spare time, I just flip on the tube and tune out. I have seriously thought about selling the TV in my room. This is the first year I've lived with a TV in my bedroom, and it is not healthy. I used to read before bed, now I watch endless hours of Friends. I'm convinced that all those comments about TV rotting your brain are true. My brother's girlfriend says "TV is for the weak-minded," I'm tending toward agreement.
9. One of the most important lessons I think I can take from 2007 is to be more persistent in pursuing what I want. I need to put that lesson into better practice in 2008. I need to clarify my goals, outline strategies for achieving them, then persistently go to work. I'm determined not to be in the same place this time next year. I really feel like 2007 was a waste in many ways, I spent so much time waiting and so little time living.
10. Finally (for now), I need to invest more time in re-building my relationship with God. After so much disappointment, it's hard for me to trust him anymore. But that's what faith is about, trusting and following God even when things are painful and unclear. I haven't been very faithful this year. While it might take a while and I know I'll waver on this point daily, I need to be more intentional about involving or acknowledging God in my life again.
Look out 2008, I'm doing more than turning over a new leaf, I'm blowing them all over the place.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Turning Over A New Leaf
A new year always seems such an opportune time to start all over again. Sometimes I wish I could just "shut down" and "reboot." A new year is as close to this as we can get. It's a chance to purge myself of the things that tied me down and kept me from being the person I was created to be.
I was reading a nice little article in the Denver Post featuring several local people who are taking a new lease on life in 2008. They are making far greater commitments than short-lived weight-loss resolutions. One woman is using her new seminary degree to launch a career in counseling, another man is starting dialysis and looking for new kidneys, another has hopes of competing in the Olympic games.
That's the kind of change I want in my life this year. I want to start a new adventure, unpack all the baggage I've been lugging around, and stop waiting for things to happen to me.
While I have some run-of-the-mill resolutions (work out more consistently, eat healthier, be more intentional in maintaining important friendships, etc.), I want a more complete make-over in 2008.
1. I have to begin a career. I have a few things going, but I want to do something significant. My passion is for policy making. I want to work for someone involved in that process. I really think I need to move to DC to do that. So, by the end of 2008 I want to be in a position where I am working directly for someone involved in the political process.
2. I have to reevaluate my relationships. I've given too much power to some people in my life, and not spent enough time with other people. I have some friends with whom I have a mutually encouraging and loving relationship that I do not rely on enough, and there are other people in my life who are a serious emotional drain. I spend so much time wondering what they think of me, and whether I'm doing enough to make them happy and be a good friend, but I would be surprised if they so much as gave a second thought to my happiness. Not that I want to be more selfish in my friendships or completely sever ties with people, but I need to develop better emotional boundaries in my relationships.
3. Similarly, I need to build new relationships. I need to build a network, and not just for the purpose of career building, but in the pursuit of finding like-minded friends. I need to find more people who like politics and want to make a difference in this world. I think the first step in this is going back to church and being intentional about meeting people.
4. In the spirit of releasing myself from excess baggage and becoming more independent. I have decided to backpack part of the Appalachian Trail. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never taken the time to do it. Even if I just spend two weeks on the trail, I think it will be a tremendous experience. I'm planning on hiking this summer, in the Virginia or North Carolina sections.
5. I've also wanted to run a marathon since I was a junior in college. This is the year for that. I'm joining with Team in Training to prepare for a marathon in June. This training will be invaluable in my preparation for the AT.
6. In regards to my military career, the marathon training will also be important for my APFT and ultimately in getting my "O." Ever since I enlisted, I've been asked multiple times why I didn't get my commission. Really I wanted some experience on the enlisted side, but also, I didn't understand the system when I first signed on. So this year, I'm putting in my packet for a direct commission, as soon as I get my E5 promotion.
I hope that 2008 will be my year to take control of my life, surrender it back to God, and move forward into my destiny. I never want to waste my time and energy like I did in 2007. I spent so much time in tears and too little time doing the things I actually wanted to do. This year, I'm drying my eyes, leaving my pain in the past, and being the woman I am.
I was reading a nice little article in the Denver Post featuring several local people who are taking a new lease on life in 2008. They are making far greater commitments than short-lived weight-loss resolutions. One woman is using her new seminary degree to launch a career in counseling, another man is starting dialysis and looking for new kidneys, another has hopes of competing in the Olympic games.
That's the kind of change I want in my life this year. I want to start a new adventure, unpack all the baggage I've been lugging around, and stop waiting for things to happen to me.
While I have some run-of-the-mill resolutions (work out more consistently, eat healthier, be more intentional in maintaining important friendships, etc.), I want a more complete make-over in 2008.
1. I have to begin a career. I have a few things going, but I want to do something significant. My passion is for policy making. I want to work for someone involved in that process. I really think I need to move to DC to do that. So, by the end of 2008 I want to be in a position where I am working directly for someone involved in the political process.
2. I have to reevaluate my relationships. I've given too much power to some people in my life, and not spent enough time with other people. I have some friends with whom I have a mutually encouraging and loving relationship that I do not rely on enough, and there are other people in my life who are a serious emotional drain. I spend so much time wondering what they think of me, and whether I'm doing enough to make them happy and be a good friend, but I would be surprised if they so much as gave a second thought to my happiness. Not that I want to be more selfish in my friendships or completely sever ties with people, but I need to develop better emotional boundaries in my relationships.
3. Similarly, I need to build new relationships. I need to build a network, and not just for the purpose of career building, but in the pursuit of finding like-minded friends. I need to find more people who like politics and want to make a difference in this world. I think the first step in this is going back to church and being intentional about meeting people.
4. In the spirit of releasing myself from excess baggage and becoming more independent. I have decided to backpack part of the Appalachian Trail. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never taken the time to do it. Even if I just spend two weeks on the trail, I think it will be a tremendous experience. I'm planning on hiking this summer, in the Virginia or North Carolina sections.
5. I've also wanted to run a marathon since I was a junior in college. This is the year for that. I'm joining with Team in Training to prepare for a marathon in June. This training will be invaluable in my preparation for the AT.
6. In regards to my military career, the marathon training will also be important for my APFT and ultimately in getting my "O." Ever since I enlisted, I've been asked multiple times why I didn't get my commission. Really I wanted some experience on the enlisted side, but also, I didn't understand the system when I first signed on. So this year, I'm putting in my packet for a direct commission, as soon as I get my E5 promotion.
I hope that 2008 will be my year to take control of my life, surrender it back to God, and move forward into my destiny. I never want to waste my time and energy like I did in 2007. I spent so much time in tears and too little time doing the things I actually wanted to do. This year, I'm drying my eyes, leaving my pain in the past, and being the woman I am.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Year in Review
I have officially dubbed 2007 my year of disappointment. However, in the midst of my frustration and depression, there have been some real highlights.
First of all, it was confirmed, after a series of medical tests, that I do not have any of the following: leukemia, lymphoma, tubercolosis, HIV, lupus or crohn's. I'd say that ruling one of those diseases out makes for a good year. But being sure that I currently do not have any of those is pretty awesome.
Second, I revised and updated my resume several times; adding new experiences, placing greater emphasis on certain accomplishments, and all-in-all trying to make myself more impressive on paper.
Third, I conquered a couple fears. I had to overcome financial obstacles by making phone calls to creditors and enrolling in a debt management program. Usually I shy away from any problems that loosely relate to money, but this year I had to suck it up and be an adult. Look out lending and banking industry, I am no longer intimidated by your incredibly poor customer service, long hold-times, or ridiculous fee schedule. I have learned how to work the system to avoid you cheating me out of my hard earned money. Also, I learned to be more persistent, or more like, I learned something about the importance of being persistent. I've always had this fear of annoying people or being perceived as a pest. But this year I've tried to define the difference between pestering and persisting. Not that I have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there.
Fourth (and this is a real accomplishment), I watched all ten seasons of Friends. I became so engaged in the show that I found phrases from the dialogue creep into my own vernacular. I also learned that I need to watch less TV, and fill my down time more productively. More than anything, the fact that Friends is one of the major highlights of 2007 reminds me that this year was pretty desolate. It provided a nice escape. But this is supposed to be about remembering the positive aspects of 2007.
Fifth, I learned that I need to take vacations. I made only two visits to friends this year. Both I was quite apprehensive about, and both turned out beautifully. I guess that's two things: take more trips, and do things that I'm nervous about doing, because it often turns out much better than expected. In 2008 I am going to take more risks.
Finally, one of the best things about this year is the relationships I built. I have some stellar friends. Also, living so close to my parents provided a great opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them. Even when I hate my job and I can't seem to catch a break, my friends and family are a constant encouragement.
I could recount all my pitfalls and accomplishments of 2007, but I think that covers the big stuff. So, here's to the end of the year of disappointment and to a new year with new adventures, new friends, more time with old friends, finding a great job, persistently and intentionally pursuing my goals, and taking risks. Oh yeah, and less TV.
First of all, it was confirmed, after a series of medical tests, that I do not have any of the following: leukemia, lymphoma, tubercolosis, HIV, lupus or crohn's. I'd say that ruling one of those diseases out makes for a good year. But being sure that I currently do not have any of those is pretty awesome.
Second, I revised and updated my resume several times; adding new experiences, placing greater emphasis on certain accomplishments, and all-in-all trying to make myself more impressive on paper.
Third, I conquered a couple fears. I had to overcome financial obstacles by making phone calls to creditors and enrolling in a debt management program. Usually I shy away from any problems that loosely relate to money, but this year I had to suck it up and be an adult. Look out lending and banking industry, I am no longer intimidated by your incredibly poor customer service, long hold-times, or ridiculous fee schedule. I have learned how to work the system to avoid you cheating me out of my hard earned money. Also, I learned to be more persistent, or more like, I learned something about the importance of being persistent. I've always had this fear of annoying people or being perceived as a pest. But this year I've tried to define the difference between pestering and persisting. Not that I have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there.
Fourth (and this is a real accomplishment), I watched all ten seasons of Friends. I became so engaged in the show that I found phrases from the dialogue creep into my own vernacular. I also learned that I need to watch less TV, and fill my down time more productively. More than anything, the fact that Friends is one of the major highlights of 2007 reminds me that this year was pretty desolate. It provided a nice escape. But this is supposed to be about remembering the positive aspects of 2007.
Fifth, I learned that I need to take vacations. I made only two visits to friends this year. Both I was quite apprehensive about, and both turned out beautifully. I guess that's two things: take more trips, and do things that I'm nervous about doing, because it often turns out much better than expected. In 2008 I am going to take more risks.
Finally, one of the best things about this year is the relationships I built. I have some stellar friends. Also, living so close to my parents provided a great opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them. Even when I hate my job and I can't seem to catch a break, my friends and family are a constant encouragement.
I could recount all my pitfalls and accomplishments of 2007, but I think that covers the big stuff. So, here's to the end of the year of disappointment and to a new year with new adventures, new friends, more time with old friends, finding a great job, persistently and intentionally pursuing my goals, and taking risks. Oh yeah, and less TV.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Reflections on the Christmas Season
This year I am reminded of how blessed I am. It's been a difficult year for me, but I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and every once in a while something comes along to help me remember that the universe is not set against me.
I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.
The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.
Even then, God reigns.
Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.
At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.
It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.
This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.
I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.
The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.
Even then, God reigns.
Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.
At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.
It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.
This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Certain Days
Every year, certain days jump of the calendar page and grab me. They just put me in a sentimental mood. Whether it be proud of all I've accomplished or questioning what would have been had I made different choices along the way. I don't have many regrets. In fact, if given the chance, I don't think I would change much of anything. Perhaps I would take better advantage of some opportunities than I did, but all in all I'm happy with the way things have turned out so far. We all have our scars, some are in more obvious places than others. It's been my experience though, that things really do work out for the greater good.
I'm laughing at myself after that last line just because I'm finally in a place where I can recognize and admit that. There have been times where there was no way I would ever have believed that things work out for the greater good. It's so easy to recognize the beauty in difficult circumstances when the light at the end of the tunnel is just within my grasp.
I've had to make peace with so many things, and once those wounds heal over, it's so much easier to make sense of it all.
So why is it still so hard? Why do these choices still haunt me?
I'm laughing at myself after that last line just because I'm finally in a place where I can recognize and admit that. There have been times where there was no way I would ever have believed that things work out for the greater good. It's so easy to recognize the beauty in difficult circumstances when the light at the end of the tunnel is just within my grasp.
I've had to make peace with so many things, and once those wounds heal over, it's so much easier to make sense of it all.
So why is it still so hard? Why do these choices still haunt me?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tingly-ness
It's times like this, when I feel like life is going well that I really want someone to share it all with. It's only natural to want to celebrate with someone who cares and will be just as excited as I am. I think when things are going well I can only help but want more. I'm never content. When I don't have a job, that's all I can focus on getting. When that begins to fall in to place, my focus shifts to other parts of my life I believe to be lacking. I haven't had a real relationship with a guy in like, 8 years. I feel like I can start to shift out of survival mode and begin to develop parts of my life I've had to shut off over the last few years. It's like letting blood back into a contricted limb. It feels foreign. It's good to know at least those parts are still attached.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
A Good Week
When it rains, it pours. Last Friday I related my life to driving through a thick fog with "Road Closed" signs at every exit. I'm not claiming that suddenly the sun is shining and I can see everything clearly and my life has just fallen together all of the sudden. I can say that one little piece seems to be fitting in place.
I worked part time for an attorney this past week to help him prepare for his annual two week vacation in Italy (tough life). My main function was secretarial, so not a real challenge. I really liked the people, the office, and the attorney. On Thursday he asked me to work for him again when he gets back in the States. Since it's only part-time, I had to decline. On Thursday morning, I had an interview for a records clerk position at a law firm in Boulder. While I'm not too keen on organizing, labeling, and maintaining volumes of legal files full time; I really need a job, it's good pay, it's in Boulder, and the hours are favorable. The interview went really well.
You can imagine how good I was feeling as I walked in to another interview on Friday morning. I'm quite confident in my interviewing skills. On paper, I don't really stand out. If my resume can actually land me an interview I might have a good shot at the job.
I really want this job. It's perfect for me. I would be working with the Community Relations Director for a large, national law firm doing a little PR, a little accounting, a little event planning, some admininstrative work, and a lot of charity events. I wanted the job so bad when I left the interview that it made me nervous. I can't want anything too much, because then it won't work out. So I have to tone down my enthusiasm, pretend like I don't care, and prepare myself for disappointment.
I've always thought of myself as someone who gets what they want. I work hard to achieve my goals. But when it comes to the part that's out of my control, that's where I lose it.
Regardless of my fears, I was called back for a second interview.
YAY!
That afternoon, I went in to my temp job and the Office Manager wanted to meet with me. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at lunch. The managing partner of the firm wants to put together a full-time position for me.
Three potential jobs in two days. I'd say that's a good position to be in.
It really was a good week.
I hope things continue like this.
I worked part time for an attorney this past week to help him prepare for his annual two week vacation in Italy (tough life). My main function was secretarial, so not a real challenge. I really liked the people, the office, and the attorney. On Thursday he asked me to work for him again when he gets back in the States. Since it's only part-time, I had to decline. On Thursday morning, I had an interview for a records clerk position at a law firm in Boulder. While I'm not too keen on organizing, labeling, and maintaining volumes of legal files full time; I really need a job, it's good pay, it's in Boulder, and the hours are favorable. The interview went really well.
You can imagine how good I was feeling as I walked in to another interview on Friday morning. I'm quite confident in my interviewing skills. On paper, I don't really stand out. If my resume can actually land me an interview I might have a good shot at the job.
I really want this job. It's perfect for me. I would be working with the Community Relations Director for a large, national law firm doing a little PR, a little accounting, a little event planning, some admininstrative work, and a lot of charity events. I wanted the job so bad when I left the interview that it made me nervous. I can't want anything too much, because then it won't work out. So I have to tone down my enthusiasm, pretend like I don't care, and prepare myself for disappointment.
I've always thought of myself as someone who gets what they want. I work hard to achieve my goals. But when it comes to the part that's out of my control, that's where I lose it.
Regardless of my fears, I was called back for a second interview.
YAY!
That afternoon, I went in to my temp job and the Office Manager wanted to meet with me. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at lunch. The managing partner of the firm wants to put together a full-time position for me.
Three potential jobs in two days. I'd say that's a good position to be in.
It really was a good week.
I hope things continue like this.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
And Yo Again
One day I have a free lift ticket, fresh powder, friends to enjoy it with, and a broken credit card machine that results in free lunch - just about perfect; everything in my favor. The next day my flight is cancelled because of snow, I get stuck in traffic for three hours, and I have to battle with airline customer service associates to recoup my lost ticket. How does life go from being so great to so disappointing so quickly. Maybe my lesson in this is not to let things affect me so much. But honestly I don't think I let things bother me more than they should. It's reasonable to be disappointed about not getting to take a much anticipated and much needed vacation. It's also reasonable to feel good about the system working in my favor to get me a free day of skiing on fresh powder. What I can't allow myself to do anymore is extrapolate those reasonable emotions into irrational conclusions about my life and the universe in general. I've often resorted to placing all my frustrations and disappointments into a general "the entire universe is set against me" category. It's strange. Sometimes I am unbelievably lucky and other times I am incredibly unfortunate. Some days I feel like every force is set against me, and some days it seems like the cosmos are set in my favor. At one point I would have described it as spiritual warfare. I still believe this on some level. I've reached a point in my spiritual journey where I can't quite trust that there is anything working in my favor. Maybe that's where I've been wrong the whole time. Perhaps my idea of God has been so ego-centric that I really believed He was working for my benefit. In reality though, even though God loves me and wants me to succeed, He is working for his own glory, and His idea of my success is probably very different from my own goals. I want to believe God has a plan for my life and that it is ultimately better than any plan I could have for myself. It's hard to keep believing that when nothing makes sense.
I was driving back from Colorado Springs on Friday after my flight had been cancelled and I was so upset. I had really been looking forward to seeing one of my closest friends, meeting her boyfriend, and just enjoying her company for the weekend in a really fun location. When the weather interrupted my plans I sunk into what has become an all-too-common mindset of "why doesn't anything work out for me?" I was driving through a dense fog about 25 mph behind miles of traffic. The fog was so thick and the daylight was starting to fade, limiting visibility to the tail lights immediately in front of me. I pulled of at an exit to get some coffee and as soon as I pulled onto the side road I was confronted by a "Road Closed" sign. This is my life lately. I have nice diversions and good things happen to remind me that I'm not alone after all. But it seems that at every turn I'm met with a "Road Closed" sign. The fog is so thick that I can't see where I am and the darkness is rolling in all around. I'm looking for an exit but all I can see are the tail lights in front of me, keeping me on the road. I hope that when I get to my exit I can still see well enough not to miss it.
I was driving back from Colorado Springs on Friday after my flight had been cancelled and I was so upset. I had really been looking forward to seeing one of my closest friends, meeting her boyfriend, and just enjoying her company for the weekend in a really fun location. When the weather interrupted my plans I sunk into what has become an all-too-common mindset of "why doesn't anything work out for me?" I was driving through a dense fog about 25 mph behind miles of traffic. The fog was so thick and the daylight was starting to fade, limiting visibility to the tail lights immediately in front of me. I pulled of at an exit to get some coffee and as soon as I pulled onto the side road I was confronted by a "Road Closed" sign. This is my life lately. I have nice diversions and good things happen to remind me that I'm not alone after all. But it seems that at every turn I'm met with a "Road Closed" sign. The fog is so thick that I can't see where I am and the darkness is rolling in all around. I'm looking for an exit but all I can see are the tail lights in front of me, keeping me on the road. I hope that when I get to my exit I can still see well enough not to miss it.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Yo-Yo
Lately my life has felt like a yo-yo. Everything is so back and forth. One day I have no job, no prospects, no money, and no hope for my future. The next I have two job interviews, more than enough money, a romantic prospect, and fun vacation plans.
A repeating theme this year has been "waiting." I'm waiting for things to work out with the State Department; I'm waiting for Prince Charming; I'm waiting tables; I'm waiting for the call that will get me a new job; etc. I've also thought a lot about NOT waiting anymore. I think my greatest fear is not taking advantage of every opportunity. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to waste my time. The struggle in this is determining how to find those opportunities; I know they don't just present themselves. I also know that fully taking advantage of opportunities is often about timing. Most things worth waiting for you actually have to wait for. So what's the balance? How do I know what I actually have to wait for and what I have to go out and take?
A repeating theme this year has been "waiting." I'm waiting for things to work out with the State Department; I'm waiting for Prince Charming; I'm waiting tables; I'm waiting for the call that will get me a new job; etc. I've also thought a lot about NOT waiting anymore. I think my greatest fear is not taking advantage of every opportunity. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to waste my time. The struggle in this is determining how to find those opportunities; I know they don't just present themselves. I also know that fully taking advantage of opportunities is often about timing. Most things worth waiting for you actually have to wait for. So what's the balance? How do I know what I actually have to wait for and what I have to go out and take?
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