Year in Review

I have officially dubbed 2007 my year of disappointment. However, in the midst of my frustration and depression, there have been some real highlights.

First of all, it was confirmed, after a series of medical tests, that I do not have any of the following: leukemia, lymphoma, tubercolosis, HIV, lupus or crohn's. I'd say that ruling one of those diseases out makes for a good year. But being sure that I currently do not have any of those is pretty awesome.

Second, I revised and updated my resume several times; adding new experiences, placing greater emphasis on certain accomplishments, and all-in-all trying to make myself more impressive on paper.

Third, I conquered a couple fears. I had to overcome financial obstacles by making phone calls to creditors and enrolling in a debt management program. Usually I shy away from any problems that loosely relate to money, but this year I had to suck it up and be an adult. Look out lending and banking industry, I am no longer intimidated by your incredibly poor customer service, long hold-times, or ridiculous fee schedule. I have learned how to work the system to avoid you cheating me out of my hard earned money. Also, I learned to be more persistent, or more like, I learned something about the importance of being persistent. I've always had this fear of annoying people or being perceived as a pest. But this year I've tried to define the difference between pestering and persisting. Not that I have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there.

Fourth (and this is a real accomplishment), I watched all ten seasons of Friends. I became so engaged in the show that I found phrases from the dialogue creep into my own vernacular. I also learned that I need to watch less TV, and fill my down time more productively. More than anything, the fact that Friends is one of the major highlights of 2007 reminds me that this year was pretty desolate. It provided a nice escape. But this is supposed to be about remembering the positive aspects of 2007.

Fifth, I learned that I need to take vacations. I made only two visits to friends this year. Both I was quite apprehensive about, and both turned out beautifully. I guess that's two things: take more trips, and do things that I'm nervous about doing, because it often turns out much better than expected. In 2008 I am going to take more risks.

Finally, one of the best things about this year is the relationships I built. I have some stellar friends. Also, living so close to my parents provided a great opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them. Even when I hate my job and I can't seem to catch a break, my friends and family are a constant encouragement.

I could recount all my pitfalls and accomplishments of 2007, but I think that covers the big stuff. So, here's to the end of the year of disappointment and to a new year with new adventures, new friends, more time with old friends, finding a great job, persistently and intentionally pursuing my goals, and taking risks. Oh yeah, and less TV.

Reflections on the Christmas Season

This year I am reminded of how blessed I am. It's been a difficult year for me, but I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and every once in a while something comes along to help me remember that the universe is not set against me.



I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.



The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.



Even then, God reigns.



Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.



At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.



It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.



This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.

Certain Days

Every year, certain days jump of the calendar page and grab me. They just put me in a sentimental mood. Whether it be proud of all I've accomplished or questioning what would have been had I made different choices along the way. I don't have many regrets. In fact, if given the chance, I don't think I would change much of anything. Perhaps I would take better advantage of some opportunities than I did, but all in all I'm happy with the way things have turned out so far. We all have our scars, some are in more obvious places than others. It's been my experience though, that things really do work out for the greater good.

I'm laughing at myself after that last line just because I'm finally in a place where I can recognize and admit that. There have been times where there was no way I would ever have believed that things work out for the greater good. It's so easy to recognize the beauty in difficult circumstances when the light at the end of the tunnel is just within my grasp.

I've had to make peace with so many things, and once those wounds heal over, it's so much easier to make sense of it all.

So why is it still so hard? Why do these choices still haunt me?

Tingly-ness

It's times like this, when I feel like life is going well that I really want someone to share it all with. It's only natural to want to celebrate with someone who cares and will be just as excited as I am. I think when things are going well I can only help but want more. I'm never content. When I don't have a job, that's all I can focus on getting. When that begins to fall in to place, my focus shifts to other parts of my life I believe to be lacking. I haven't had a real relationship with a guy in like, 8 years. I feel like I can start to shift out of survival mode and begin to develop parts of my life I've had to shut off over the last few years. It's like letting blood back into a contricted limb. It feels foreign. It's good to know at least those parts are still attached.

A Good Week

When it rains, it pours. Last Friday I related my life to driving through a thick fog with "Road Closed" signs at every exit. I'm not claiming that suddenly the sun is shining and I can see everything clearly and my life has just fallen together all of the sudden. I can say that one little piece seems to be fitting in place.

I worked part time for an attorney this past week to help him prepare for his annual two week vacation in Italy (tough life). My main function was secretarial, so not a real challenge. I really liked the people, the office, and the attorney. On Thursday he asked me to work for him again when he gets back in the States. Since it's only part-time, I had to decline. On Thursday morning, I had an interview for a records clerk position at a law firm in Boulder. While I'm not too keen on organizing, labeling, and maintaining volumes of legal files full time; I really need a job, it's good pay, it's in Boulder, and the hours are favorable. The interview went really well.

You can imagine how good I was feeling as I walked in to another interview on Friday morning. I'm quite confident in my interviewing skills. On paper, I don't really stand out. If my resume can actually land me an interview I might have a good shot at the job.

I really want this job. It's perfect for me. I would be working with the Community Relations Director for a large, national law firm doing a little PR, a little accounting, a little event planning, some admininstrative work, and a lot of charity events. I wanted the job so bad when I left the interview that it made me nervous. I can't want anything too much, because then it won't work out. So I have to tone down my enthusiasm, pretend like I don't care, and prepare myself for disappointment.

I've always thought of myself as someone who gets what they want. I work hard to achieve my goals. But when it comes to the part that's out of my control, that's where I lose it.

Regardless of my fears, I was called back for a second interview.

YAY!

That afternoon, I went in to my temp job and the Office Manager wanted to meet with me. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at lunch. The managing partner of the firm wants to put together a full-time position for me.

Three potential jobs in two days. I'd say that's a good position to be in.

It really was a good week.

I hope things continue like this.

And Yo Again

One day I have a free lift ticket, fresh powder, friends to enjoy it with, and a broken credit card machine that results in free lunch - just about perfect; everything in my favor. The next day my flight is cancelled because of snow, I get stuck in traffic for three hours, and I have to battle with airline customer service associates to recoup my lost ticket. How does life go from being so great to so disappointing so quickly. Maybe my lesson in this is not to let things affect me so much. But honestly I don't think I let things bother me more than they should. It's reasonable to be disappointed about not getting to take a much anticipated and much needed vacation. It's also reasonable to feel good about the system working in my favor to get me a free day of skiing on fresh powder. What I can't allow myself to do anymore is extrapolate those reasonable emotions into irrational conclusions about my life and the universe in general. I've often resorted to placing all my frustrations and disappointments into a general "the entire universe is set against me" category. It's strange. Sometimes I am unbelievably lucky and other times I am incredibly unfortunate. Some days I feel like every force is set against me, and some days it seems like the cosmos are set in my favor. At one point I would have described it as spiritual warfare. I still believe this on some level. I've reached a point in my spiritual journey where I can't quite trust that there is anything working in my favor. Maybe that's where I've been wrong the whole time. Perhaps my idea of God has been so ego-centric that I really believed He was working for my benefit. In reality though, even though God loves me and wants me to succeed, He is working for his own glory, and His idea of my success is probably very different from my own goals. I want to believe God has a plan for my life and that it is ultimately better than any plan I could have for myself. It's hard to keep believing that when nothing makes sense.

I was driving back from Colorado Springs on Friday after my flight had been cancelled and I was so upset. I had really been looking forward to seeing one of my closest friends, meeting her boyfriend, and just enjoying her company for the weekend in a really fun location. When the weather interrupted my plans I sunk into what has become an all-too-common mindset of "why doesn't anything work out for me?" I was driving through a dense fog about 25 mph behind miles of traffic. The fog was so thick and the daylight was starting to fade, limiting visibility to the tail lights immediately in front of me. I pulled of at an exit to get some coffee and as soon as I pulled onto the side road I was confronted by a "Road Closed" sign. This is my life lately. I have nice diversions and good things happen to remind me that I'm not alone after all. But it seems that at every turn I'm met with a "Road Closed" sign. The fog is so thick that I can't see where I am and the darkness is rolling in all around. I'm looking for an exit but all I can see are the tail lights in front of me, keeping me on the road. I hope that when I get to my exit I can still see well enough not to miss it.

Yo-Yo

Lately my life has felt like a yo-yo. Everything is so back and forth. One day I have no job, no prospects, no money, and no hope for my future. The next I have two job interviews, more than enough money, a romantic prospect, and fun vacation plans.

A repeating theme this year has been "waiting." I'm waiting for things to work out with the State Department; I'm waiting for Prince Charming; I'm waiting tables; I'm waiting for the call that will get me a new job; etc. I've also thought a lot about NOT waiting anymore. I think my greatest fear is not taking advantage of every opportunity. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to waste my time. The struggle in this is determining how to find those opportunities; I know they don't just present themselves. I also know that fully taking advantage of opportunities is often about timing. Most things worth waiting for you actually have to wait for. So what's the balance? How do I know what I actually have to wait for and what I have to go out and take?

Frustration

I am trained for nothing.

You would think that after four years of college and two years of graduate school I would be perceived as being capable of doing something. Surprise! My education means nothing without 2-5 years of experience in something. It's impossible for someone who spent the last 6 years of their life in school to have experience in anything since they WERE IN SCHOOL. Amazing.

I wish someone had told me that education isn't really worth anything before I wasted all that time and money.

I know I can do just about any job someone puts in front of me. However I don't have any relevant work experience to demonstrate that to potential employers.

I can't even get a non-profit job. Nobody wants non-profit jobs, but still, I can't get one.

I'm reaching the end of my rope with this job-hunting garbage. I guess it means I'll have to do the only I am really trained for: take an active duty position in the Army. That won't be so bad. I mean, at least I know they won't turn me down.

Mysterious Ways

After working at P.F. Chang's for over a year, I finally decided to find a new job. I will continue serving tables there one night a week, Sundays, at least through the holidays. It's the busiest time of year, and it would be stupid for me not to use that opportunity to make a little extra cash. And it gives me the option to pick up an extra shift when I need to.

I've accumulated a few regulars over the year, which is nice. I enjoy seeing them, I know what they like to order, and I know how to serve them best. I know a little about them, they know a little about me, it's a reminder that the people I serve are real people who have lives outside of eating at P.F. Chang's. Funny how spending so much time at one place, interacting with people on one level for so long has made me so myopic about society. I digress.

When I first started at Chang's I joked that the only way the job would help me launch my career would be if Gov. Bill Ritter sat at one of my tables and was impressed enough to offer me a job. Needless to say, that never happened. A few months ago though this man named Mark began frequenting P.F. Chang's, usually late on Thursdays, and just happened to sit in my section. He dined alone, ordered in waves and drank the same wine every time. He was friendly and actually seemed interested in getting to know me. He's in his mid-fifties with a wife and young son. They had moved from Breckenridge with the intent of expanding his company and being more accesible to his clients. They also began attending my parents' church. I told Mark about my hopes with the State Department, he explained his business to me. I saw him almost twice a week, usually alone, but sometimes with his son.

I was able to pick up a shift on Thursday night, just last minute, one last one before I begin my Sunday-only schedule. I was wrapping things up and getting ready to go home when Mark walked in. It had been months since he had been in, and I was just thinking earlier that day that I hadn't seen him in a while. He ordered his usual and we began chatting. I told him about my new job - I had previously discussed my brief exploration into marketing jobs at the end of the summer.

"I believe that sometimes God uses daily circumstances to reveal his will," Mark stated. "I would really like to see you succeed. Now, I'm sitting here thinking 'here's this bright young woman in front of me, who I see as very capable, her parents go to my church, and I think that there has to be some reason for this. I would like to help you however I can. I'm going to send you some information about my organization, you take a look at it and we'll talk about some options for you."

Wow.

Now I know that this isn't a concrete job offer. I know that nothing may ever come of this conversation. But I know an opportunity when I see one, and in this year of disappointment, I know a blessing when I experience one. Perhaps all this IS part of God's plan after all. For the first time in a while, I'm hopeful about my future. Sometimes a little encouragement is all that's needed to put things in motion.

Work Week

I finished my first week of 8-5 work. It was long, boring, and so wonderful to do something different. My temp position is in the Legal department of Vodafone. They hired me through a legal staffing agency to help index and organize about 250 boxes of files. I spent all week listing every item in every box.

In order to break up the monotony, I came up with little games to play as I indexed box after box. Keep in mind that I occupied an entire suite of offices by myself this week. One important detail is that while I sat at the front desk facing the main entrance, there is also a back entrance that is down a hallway and several rooms away. On Monday I was pretty content just to do my job and sit quietly just listing away. I took a nice long lunch break, walked down the 16th Street Mall in Denver, stopped at Starbucks for my daily eggnog latte (I love the holidays), and enjoyed being part of the adult working world. I engaged in conversations with homeless people, local vendors, and the Starbucks barista just to get some human interaction. After lunch I returned to the silence of my office suite to continue with my indexing. By Tuesday I was smart enough to bring my Ipod. I listened to podcasts of NPR, LSAT Logic in Everyday Life, and Coffee Break Spanish - unabashedly thinking out loud and practicing my Spanish in my best Scottish accent (the instructor for Coffee Break Spanish is Scottish, so all his Spanish has this interesting and charming brogue). I practiced my karaoke skills to my favorite songs and took advantage of the fact that I was alone in my own little world, with hundreds of file boxes. On Wednesday I was beginning to get a little crazy and became more creative with my self-entertainment methods. I decided that since I was surrounded by boxes I should build a fort. I began placing each box strategically after I indexed it. Before long I had a nice little structure. I still had more boxes though and I placed them in a sort of maze on the floor. I was putting my artistic skills to good use, sitting in my fort to index and walking through my maze, when suddenly I hear laughter. My stomach leapt. I wasn't alone after all.

Blushing deeply, I peeked out from inside my cave of boxes to see an unfamiliar man grinning at me. "Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm the temp for the next couple weeks." I crawled out, stood up and shook hands.
"Yes, hi, I'm just checking out the suite. We're thinking of moving into this space."
"Oh, well, it's only being used temporarily for this project."
"I see, and do you come with the space?"
"No, no, I'm just here with Vodafone to index these boxes."
"Well it looks like you've made yourself at home," he grinned, motioning toward my fort. "I'm just going to take a look around. I'll be out of your way in a minute."
"Okay, yeah, take your time, I'm just gonna get back to, uh, these boxes." I smiled and returned to my desk, thoroughly embarrassed. I put my headphones back on, and quietly indexed boxes until the man left through the front entrance. "Thanks!" he waved, "have fun."
"Yeah, thanks, have a nice day," I replied and smiled.
It took all of about three minutes after he left and I finished my current box before I resumed constructing my fort, I was in the process of adding a guest wing.

After lunch on Wednesday I had pretty much taken up as much reasonable space as possible with my construction projects and invented a new game. Many of the boxes have personnel files, each labeled with a last and first name. In one of the "G" boxes the names were pretty interesting so I started pronouncing them out loud in what I imagined was the language of origin. Russian sounding names became my favorite.

The next couple days continued like this, me, alone in the suite, uninterrupted in my Scottish-Spanish lessons, foreign name game, singing out loud, and artistically arranging box after box.

By 4pm today I completed all the boxes. It brought a nice feeling of accomplishment. On Monday I'm taking my lists and inputting them all into an electronic database. I'll be in the main office, at a desk surrounded by other people. While I'm looking forward to having more human contact, I hope I don't forget where I am and start singing or speaking Scottish-Spanish out loud.

Monday

On Monday I begin a new job. It's a temp position with Vodafone working on a two week administrative project. It's not my dream job, but it's a start in the right direction.

Since I put in my two weeks at Chang's it's bee much easier working there. I enjoy it more, I don't become so easily frustrated. I wish I had learned several months ago not to care so much about the job. I become so invested in whatever it is that I'm working on that I have a hard time letting things slide. I am a perfectionist. Since my job takes up a majority of my time I have difficulty not taking it too seriously. I get stressed out when things aren't running smoothly and I become bitter toward people who don't work as hard as I do. I get especially irritated when my hard work and dedication don't get recognized and the laziness or incompetence around me is ignored. That was one of my main frustrations at P.F. Chang's; I would show up every day and work my ass off, following rules, doing things as they should be done and doing them very well, and never receive a nod of approval. That is one of the very reasons I enjoy being in the Army. The standards are set and the standards are made clear to everyone. Those who choose not to meet them, either out of negligence or willful disregard, are punished, or at least not rewarded. Those who meet and exceed the standards are quickly recognized, rewarded, and given more responsibility. It's a system in which I can thrive. I pay close attention to details, but at the same time I view myself as a member of a larger team and I invision where I want to be within that grand scheme. At P.F. Chang's there was know view of the top, no path to promotion, it was a dead-end, no matter how hard I worked or how good I became at my job. As ambitious as I am, this is infinitely frustrating to me. Since I no longer have to depend on serving tables as my sole source of income, I'm almost considering staying on the schedule a couple nights a week, like a hobby. Sounds sick doesn't it? If I have another channel for my ambition, a place where I can work to achieve my goals, working part-time at Chang's is kind of appealing. I'm not committing to that yet. I'm going to see where my new position takes me and what all I can do next.

On the Hunt

Once again I've begun searching for jobs. Only this time with quite a bit more urgency. I quit my job at P.F. Chang's and am staring into an endless abyss of possibility. I have until next Wednesday to find a job.

So far I have two leads. I'v primarily been applying for legal assistant jobs at Denver law firms. I have a friend of a friend who's husband is a lawyer and is looking for an administrative assistant. I think that's the most promising lead. All the employment experts say that knowing someone is the best lead in finding a job. The other lead is through a legal staffing agency. I'm going down to their office on Friday to take a series of skill assesment tests. I'm very encouraged by that opportunity simply because I've never worked at a law firm, but I know I have valuable skills. It will be good to get an objective measure of what I'm qualified to do and then search from there. I've also sent my resume in to several Media/Communications jobs, and Fundraising/Development jobs. I know responding to internet postings has a generally low success rate, but I think once managers see my resume they'll want to meet me; and I am great at the interview. I've spent some time working on my cover letter; I think it's more effective now, emphasizing my accomplishments and differentiating me from the competition.

If worse comes to worse and nothing works out by the end of the month I have a few safety net plans as well. It's holiday shopping season and I know I can easily get a seasonal retail job while I continue to search. Also, the Army always provides an alternative. I can simply go for additional training or even volunteer for a full-time position. I'm just so relieved to be getting out of service industry jobs. It was too stressful, thankless, and ultimately a dead-end. I just hope I can convince future employers that the customer service and salesmanship skills I gained over the last year are valuable. I don't want my time serving tables to be a complete loss.

Law school is still on the horizon. I'm spending most of my time during the day studying for the LSAT. My score is improving little by little with every practice exam. I still need to work on the Logical Reasoning section, but I'm confident with some practice I can nail it.

Diversions

So just when I needed something to distract me from my recent frustrations one of my friends called me with an extra ticket to the Maroon 5 concert. Most people don't know this about me, but I have a huge crush on Adam Levine. I know I should be past that middle-school phase of swooning over celebrities, but I just can't help it. So, of course I leapt at the opportunity to see him live. I was not disappointed - well I was disappointed in the fact that he didn't pull me up on stage, fall instantly in love with me and ask me to travel with him on tour because he can't be without me. But, wow. It was a great show. It really took my mind off the things that have been bothering me lately. It just goes to show that when I really need it most, something good happens.

Disappointment

“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.”

Eliza Tabor

Sleep to Dream

Anger is an all-consuming emotion. I used to feel that being angry was a bad thing. It's only been in the last couple years I've learned to accept anger as a legitimate, acceptable, natural human emotion. Sometimes I do and say things out of anger that are destructive, but I am usually very quick to recognize my fault and apologize. Lately though I've been a lot more angry. Everyone has bad days, I have bad months. I don't think I've not been angry since June. Not to say that I was never angry before that, but I don't think a day has passed in the last four months where I have not been mad about something or someone. I've never been an angry person. I've typically been good natured, easy-going, and kind. I don't know to what I should attribute this drastic change in attitude, but I think it's getting worse. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep because I have dreams where I'm angry. I thought maybe it was just stress. But the situations in my dreams are not just stressful, they are enraging.

At this point I should probably explain that I am sort of a mystic about dreams. I think they reveal a lot about what's going on emotionally and spiritually. I don't like to admit when I'm upset or acknowledge when I've been wronged, I just let things slide. So when I start having repetitive dreams that mirror frustrating emotional situations I have to pay attention. Last night I had a dream that I kept falling back in to. I was in a prison where I was accused of a crime I never committed. I was in a cell with two friends and they were plotting an escape but they refused to discuss it with me. When the guard came in to question me, my friends stood by with their hands behind their backs as the guard repeatedly tazed me. I couldn't speak because he was tazing my neck and my entire body was limp from the electric current. What kept waking me up in a cold sweat was not the pain from the tazing it was the anger I felt toward my friends who continued to allow this to happen to me even though they knew I was innocent.
Here's what I think it means:

I'm angry and God and people because I have been very disappointed

I'm disappointed because I don't believe God has provided for me very well, and I'm disappointed in my friends because I feel they have abandoned me - both parties have failed to uphold what I believe to be their primary purpose in the relationship.

I feel hopeless at times about my future and trapped by my current circumstances.


Now I concede that I may have had unreasonable expectations for God and friends, but I don't think my expectations were completely unfounded. So this is confusing, disappointing, and enraging. My natural reaction to such disappointments is to push them away and insist that I don't need them anyway. I feel like God has led me in to the desert to wander for forty years and all my friends have found their way out and left me behind. I thought we were supposed to be on this journey together. What happened? I want to believe that God is good and that he loves me. I want to believe that I have people who care about me. But lately there isn't any evidence of this. I refuse to be powerless as a result of this abandonment. So I choose anger. I don't like it. I would much rather be hopeful and optimistic. I've always pitied bitter people because I recognized the disappointment they must have experienced to make them so hateful. I believe I have a good heart. I want to love freely and deeply. I hope I'm still capable when I finally make it to Canaan.

Too Much Time, Too Little to Do

I don't think I've ever had the problem of having too few things to fill my time. I've had to begin creating projects for myself just so I don't waste my days watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model on MTV. It's my shameful indulgence. Some people watch porn, I watch model wannabes perform a variety of stupid human tricks to try and get on a magazine cover - what's not to love? Okay, anyway. So I have decided to take the LSAT in December. Preparing for this should reasonably consume about two hours a day. I have also enthusiastically agreed to write an article for my dad about building the Panama Canal as a metaphor for understanding cultural context. This could also reasonably consume two hours a day. I'm helping my mom do some research on bilingual education policy for one of her classes - again I could easily spend several hours a day on this. Suddenly my problem is not lack of activity, but disciplining myself again to be productive. I've become so lazy. I need to get back on track, get back in to my exercise routine, get back in to reading and writing on a daily basis, and just make better use of my time in general. I've always been more efficient when I have too much to do. Now, I feel that time is infinite and I can't accomplish anything. For example, today, I got up, ate breakfast and promptly tuned in to, no, not ANTM, but HBO on-demand for a little Sex and the City (my newest shameful indulgence). Hey at least it's something different. And in some books it might even be considered educational. Ugh, why am I letting myself just waste away? I need a wake-up call.

Prepare for the Worst, Plan on Catastrophe?

I'm not sure who decided that it was a good idea for people the live as if the worst possible outcome is the most likely. When it comes to planning for the future, or even living in the present, I prefer to believe that things work out for the best. Especially when it comes to other people and my relationships. I tend to see the best in people, or at least I try (my current occupation is hardening me to this, but that is another issue all together). Perhaps its naive, but I never assume that relationships are naturally headed for disappointment. Isn't part of the enjoyment of life and love the hope for happily-ever-after? Now I understand the rationale that I need to protect myself and be careful about getting wrapped up in my emotions, but I never want to be so guarded that I fail to love simply because I'm scared that it might end in heartache. I like taking chances, being spontaneous. In relationships I need someone who will take risks with me. "Why not go out on a limb, that's where all the fruit is," according to Mark Twain. The limb may or may not break, but how will I know if I never try? If it holds, maybe I'll get my hands on the sweetest fruit.

Compass Points

"Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction."
- Lewis Carrol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Sometimes life takes you in an unexpected direction. For the last year or so I've worked and waited aimlessly for what I hoped would be my dream job, my big break, my easy street. So far, no progress. I was facing one direction, keeping on the blinders. Maybe it could be considered focus, but I really wasn't accomplishing anything. So, I decided to pick a new direction. Not completely new. I'm revisiting an old path: Law School. I toyed with the idea throughout college and put it aside because I didn't want to be an attorney. I decided to go to grad school instead. I kind of think the compass was pointing toward law school the whole time. In my first semester at KU I attended a lecture given by Gary Hagen, the president of International Justice Mission. I was inspired by the stories of lives transformed by the organization. I've been a supporter ever since. But I really want to do more.

My Dad is my sounding board for pretty much anything on my mind. He has great insights into my personality and decision-making processes and his words about my future ring clear in my mind as I think through my next step. He often reminds me that I am destined for great things. He reaffirms my own beliefs that God has designed and called me to accomplish deeds that will have eternal effects. He also reminds me that just because I see a need I do not need to fulfill it. I am a habitual over-achiever. I want to be everything to everyone. I sincerely enjoy giving of myself to others and I get the greatest satisfaction when I am a catalyst of others' success. Perhaps some people call this co-dependence or people-pleasing behavior. I admit I can fall victim to those unhealthy tendencies. For the most part though, I draw my boundaries and I know my limitations. I have learned that overextending myself only leads to destructive feelings of resentment and self-righteous martyrdom. When it comes to career decisions I must be aware of the fact that my decisions may be affected by these desires to meet some extroverted need.

What confuses me about my current circumstances is that joining the Foreign Service never appealed to my sense of obligation to the greater good. It was something I wanted for me, for the advancement of my career, and still fulfilled my desire to perform a public service. It seemed wholly selfish and not self-centered. It appeared to be a perfect opportunity for me to use my natural abilities while advancing my career. Now, over a year later, I am still waiting for someone to make a decision, somewhere that could affect my entire occupational future. It's like standing in a clearing waiting for someone to install a sign post.

With my decision to apply for Law School I am pulling the compass out of my pocket and moving out of the clearing. I have spent my entire life catching the opportunities thrown at me. I am a spiritual mystic, believing that God uses my surrounding universe to communicate his will in many ways. Honestly, I haven't had to work very hard to get where I am. Things have always come easily to me, and I have taken them as signs to take certain actions. Thus I've never had to practice perseverance. Perhaps now is my time to take the hard road, hack through some underbrush, and move toward my ultimate goal rather than just allow the path to open up before me.

Job Interview

Yesterday I went on a second interview for a "marketing" firm in Denver. The only reason I agreed to go on this observation/shadow day was because I believed it was really a marketing job for which they were hiring. Was I in for a surprise!

I arrived promptly at 11:30 looking very sharp in my black suit, ready to tackle the day and prove my worth to the company. I met the corporate trainer I would be following for the day and he questioned me about my previous job experience as we walked to his car. Once outside I met a new trainee on her first day who also accompanied us. The observation day begins as we take of in search of businesses. As we drive the trainer asks me questions about marketing, obviously trying to demonstrate that his knowledge and expertise are superior to my own. I let me believe he is right by responding with interested noises, "hmmm," "uh huh," "ohh." We drive around for about 15 minutes until we find a strip mall with three of our clients. We park, the trainer hands me two coupon books and we're off. We walk in to the first business, a Fantastic Sams. The trainer immediately begins his spiel, not to petition the business owner to participate in raising money to sponspor a local wheelchair basketball league, but to purchase a coupon book! As I listen I begin to realize that I am observing a high school fundraiser masked as "marketing" job. We walk in to nearly every business in the strip mall selling coupon books.

Around 2pm we break for lunch. Graciously, the trainer buys my sandwich and procedes to outline the business model, pay scale and promotional hierarchy, guaranteeing that I too can open my own marketing firm in just one year, making six digits and retire before I'm thirty. I'm thinking that I'm much closer to thirty than this kid, and I did not spend six years getting two degrees to sell coupon books. I made the mistake of mentioning that I am waiting on a government job that will send me overseas, and the trainer interjected several times that mangement/ownership of my own marketing firm is probably not where I'm headed in their company since I'm looking for somthing temporary.

After lunch we got back in the car and headed toward our next event: a "setup." We arrived at a local grocery store, unloaded a card table, a stack of coupon books, and headed toward the entrance. For the next few hours we harrassed people as they came out of the grocery store to purchase coupon books. After a few minutes the trainer called me from behind the concrete post that I was strategically placed behind (so as not to be in anyone's way), to get me to participate and ask me some more questions. He began with, "what's your favorite movie?"

"The Princess Bride." I replied.

"So you really like chick flicks, huh? You probably really liked The Devil Wears Prada. That was the only chick flick I really liked. You seem like an Anne Hathaway fan. So what's it about?"

I realized that he thought my favorite movie is Princess Diaries. Of course I began to correct him. "The Princess Bride. It's a classic action, adventure, comedy that came out in the late eighties with Billy Crystal, Andre the Giant, Robin Wright Penn, Carey Elwes."

"Who?" He looked at me, brow furrowed then quickly rushed to shove his coupon book in a woman's face as she attempted to avoid eye contact and lug her armload of groceries to her car.

"So, what's your favorite color?" he began his interrogation again.

"Red" I replied.

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" I ask. "I just like it. It's bright, cheerful, pretty."

"You can't just like a color because it's pretty. Why do you like red?" he asked before he jumped in front of another wary grocery shopper. "So how 'bout your favorite animal?"

"I don't know, a giraffe" I answered, exasperated.

"Why?"

"They're tall and they eat leaves," I replied in that tone you all know so well.

"Oh come on, your favorite color and your favorite animal say a lot about you psychologically."

"Ohhh, so what's your favorite animal?" I asked, thinking, are we in first grade?

"A LION," he responded proudly.

"Why?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Why can't you tell me why you like lions but I have to give you reason why I like giraffes?" I'm annoyed with this little jerk by now.

"Because it would reveal the psychology behind my questions."

"Ohhhhh, okay, I see."

"So what's your favorite kind of music?"

"My favorite kind of music or my favorite musical group?" I asked, just to clarify.

"No, your favorite kind of music."

"I like eighties music I guess, it really depends on what I feel like listening to." I had just
finished a Cure marathon in my car that morning.

"Eighties music, huh? Like who?"

"Journey, The Cure, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar."

"Who's that?"

At this point I am shocked. "What?"

"I've heard of Pat Benatar. Is that a guy or a girl?"

I couldn't help but laugh at this point, "a girl" I answered. "Were you even alive in the eighties?" Now granted I wasn't old enough to really enjoy classic eighties rock in its prime, but I remember the aftermath.

"No, I'm fifteen," he answered sarcastically, then darted off to pawn another coupon book. "I see how it is, I see exactly how it is, egggszackly."

I guess he couldn't come up with anymore psychologically revealing questions for me, so I called my dad and asked him to come pick me up. Let's face it, I wasn't going to get that third interview anyway, only people who like predatory animals are successful in the coupon book selling business.

Fall

As excited as I am about the start of football season, I am truly sad to reach the end of this summer. Summer has never been my favorite season. I've always loved fall. Since this was the first summer I've had in several years, I really savored and enjoyed every sweaty minute of it. I went to Water World every week, laid by the pool a couple times a week, bought about a dozen sundresses, and sipped gallons of sweet tea. Although I didn't hike and camp as much as I originally planned, I enjoyed this summer. Now I feel like I belong somewhere that summer lasts a little longer. They're already predicting snow in the mountains for tomorrow.



I'm applying for grad school in California. Applications for the graduate program in Political Science at UC Berkeley are available tomorrow. I'm ready for a change of scenery and right now I'm California dreamin'. Now I just have to get in and get them to pay for it.

Interview

I got an interview with a public relations firm in Denver! I submitted about half-a-dozen resumes over the last couple days. I didn't expect such an immediate response, but it's encouraging. I primarily applied at public relations/advertising/marketing firms. I don't know if that's what I really want, but I hope it will at least help build up my resume and lead to other career opportunities. I've realized that in some ways it doesn't matter what field I'm in or what my specific job is, as long as I am in a position to impact the organization as a whole. I look at the big picture. I care about the end product and getting the team on board to accomplish a larger goal. Through my serving experience I've learned that even if I continue working at a restaurant I would be happier in a management position. I can love what I do if I'm in charge.

I always thought I needed to do a job that contributed to a significant cause. After talking with my Dad about all of this I settled for the idea that maybe I should just work for the purpose of having an income and find other things that bring significance. Not that I'm giving up on my ultimate goal to change the world, I just have to start somewhere. For now I'm satisfied just finding a job that doesn't involve serving Chinese food.

Disappointment

Interesting how when everything is going well I don't feel any need to write. It's when I'm frustrated, upset, sad or confused that I really need to put my thoughts on paper. My sister and I had a brief dialogue about how suffering contributes to the creative process. She decided to stop taking anti-depressants because she felt less on them. When she's sad or angry she's more apt to be artistic. All that to say that I am yet again disappointed, frustrated and confused and thus driven to write.

I have been looking forward to teaching all summer. Classes start next Monday. I have planned my syllabus, carefully selected texts, outlined assignments, etc. all to be informed that there are not enough students enrolled in my course. I was so excited about doing something productive, something interesting, stimulating, significant. When I got the call today I wasn't even surprised. I was disappointed, but somehow I knew that it wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure if I've just become jaded over the last few months or if I just intuitively determined that the poor organization and lack of communication from the college would lead to such an outcome. Nevertheless I am, again, reminded of the sinkhole that has become my existence. Rather than being motivated to make a significant change, I am more paralyzed by what I feel to be my very bleak future.

In addition to my occupational angst I am in this endless relationship rut. I seem to attract only the wrong sort of men. I draw men who are totally wrong for me. I am not particularly attracted to anyone right now and if I am, it's only because they have indicated some interest in me. I like the attention and I don't like not getting attention. My church is starting a singles ministry. Usually I sigh and shake my head at that sort of thing, knowing that it is typically a place for people who otherwise can't get dates go to meet people of similar unfortunate circumstances. But seeing that I am one of those people who can't get a date, I think I'll check it out. My sister swears I'll meet my husband, but honestly I just hope I'll find a guy who can go out with my friends and me, have a few drinks and not stand in judgement of my lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a drugged- out party girl, I just like having a good time. Most guys I've met at church can't understand that medium of a girl with morals who will kick it at the bars on a week night. Most of all I don't like those guys at church who are just there to meet girls. I want to meet someone genuine; an authentic Christian who is there for spiritual enrichment but can have a social life. I care about important things, and I enjoy talking about them, even debating issues. But sometimes I just want to unwind and have fun. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it all, but lately that only leads to disappointment.

A few pieces of good news though: 1) I am climbing a 14'er tomorrow with my brother and his girlfriend. We're tackling Quandary Peak near Breckenridge. Should be a good time. It's my first one of the summer. I'm looking forward to the challenge. It shouldn't be too hard, but to be out in nature and standing on one of the highest points in the state will be just the cure for this ho-hum attitude. 2) I was invited by a guest at the restaurant to visit the Benziger vineyard in Glen Ellen, CA, stay in the guest house, enjoy a complimentary tasting, and a complimentary tram ride. The monetary value of all this is is irrelevant. The fact that I was invited is what matters. Anyone up for a tour of Sonoma valley? End of September is harvest season and bike rentals are cheap.

That's all for now. All in all it hasn't been a bad summer. Which could be deduced from the lack of entries of the last couple months. My sisters and I bought season passes to Water World and attended nearly every week. I have a killer tan and great bathing-suit body right now. So my whole summer wasn't a total waste. It helped me establish a more consistent workout routine. Also all the planning for my course prompted me to read a lot. I think with the return of fall and the end of the carefree days of summer I can focus more easily on what I want to accomplish and where I want to be in the upcoming year. Campaign season will be in full swing before I know it, offering a wealth of opportunities. It's only a matter of finding someone who won't mess things up too bad. I guess that's all we can ask for from national leaders these days. Ah, the voice of disappointment yet again.

Motivation

I've realized lately that I need to build more adventures into my life. As a perpetual non-planner this is much harder than it sounds. I have always been of the persuasion that the best adventures are spontaneous. Now that I don't have a car and I don't have partners in crime that can pick up and go at the drop of a hat, I have to actually PLAN (a four letter word). I want to do so many things this summer and if I just continue on my daily grind it will just fly by. Originally I wanted to summit 7 14'ers this summer. That was before I lost my mode of transportation and climbing partner. If I get two under my belt I'll be happy.

It's not just this summer though. There are so many things I want to do in general and I don't want time to just pass me by the way it has the last 8 months.

In order to better preserve my youth, health, and happiness I have decided that when my lease runs out in March I am going to pack up and hike the AT. It's something I've wanted to do for years and I can't think of a better time or opportunity than next spring. The timing is perfect. I want to go back to school next fall and if I start hiking at the beginning of April I'll be finished by the end of July/beginning of August. I'm really looking forward to leaving everything behind and living only on what I can carry in my own pack. I hate feeling weighed down. Lately I've just felt stuck. I have too many responsibilities and too little freedom. Maybe I should interpret that statement: I have too many bills and too little money. For some reason that translates into having too many obligations to frivolous things. I just want to leave it all behind. So hiking the AT is my solution.

For the first time in months I feel like I have something to look forward to. I have a finish line, a point in time when things will change. Deadlines are motivating to me. Some people don't work well under pressure; I only work well under pressure. I need that deadline or else possibilities are endless and I can behave as though I have all of eternity to accomplish anything.

The Dumbing Down of Love

Sometimes love underwhelms me; more often than it overwhelms me. I would really like to be pleasantly surprised by love and the people who love me. It doesn't happen nearly often enough. Underwhelm is an understatement. Disappoint is more appropriate. I give and I give and I work so hard and invest so much into people and time after time I am let down. Perhaps I am just a romantic about my relationships. I expect and hope that they will last forever. Then I feel foolish just a few months later for putting so much effort into it. It makes me not want to even be involved with people anymore. It's not a very profitable investment. Not that every relationship I develop is for the purpose of gaining something. But really, isn't that what the point of relationships are in the first place; some mutual benefit? I try to pour into people and I feel like I give so much and all I feel like nobody even recognizes that I care about them. I have a friend that I have maintained a relationship with for over 8 years. Just a few weeks ago he made the comment that he had no idea that I cared about him until a couple months ago. What's wrong with this? Is it my inability to communicate that I love someone? Probably. I'm not shy, but I am modest about my emotions. I don't like being exposed. I have to be very comfortable with someone and build a long history of trust before I can directly tell them that I love them.

That I Would Be Good

I think every woman wants to be wanted even at her worst. To be known and loved, not just loved but adored, when she is all those things she's told she's not supposed to be. It's interesting to me what society tells us we're supposed to be and what is acceptable behavior. Women are supposed to be so many different things: young, thin, smart (but not too smart), funny, successful (but not more than "him), independent (but not closed off), confident and self-assured (but never cocky), in control (but never controlling), kind, compassionate, courageous (but still in need of rescue), sexy (but not sexual), passionate (but not demanding). . . the list goes on. Why can't I be who I am and still be loved, even when I am who I'm not supposed to be?

I so often hear my girl friends talk about their fears in relating to men. Most commonly they express fear in being "too clingy" or scaring him away by becoming emotionally attached too quickly. I believe that you really have to be wise in protecting your heart and that there is infinite value in not giving too much away too quickly - physically and emotionally. Here's the problem to me: How can anyone expect to be physically involved with someone and not emotionally? Not only do I think it's impossible, but it's unhealthy. It's sick to be so disconnected from yourself that you can be with someone, even if it's under the pretenses of a casual encounter, that you either ignore, deny or rationalize away your emotional involvement. It's preposterous to expect a person to be able to compartmentalize their emotions from their physical being in such a way. So if a girl is afraid of being "too clingy" it sounds ridiculous to me. Why is it unacceptable for a girl to desire or even demand attention from a guy that she has been physically involved with? I have a hard time believing that any self-respecting woman could be with a guy and never expect anything from him. The entire culture of dating and female-male relationships is so unbalanced and unhealthy. I know beautiful, smart, successful women who are reduced to whiney, nervous, insecure girls because "he never called," and the guy brags about it to his friends and walks away feeling like a champ, zero responsibility. Maybe men don't respect women because women don't often demand respect. For some reason feeling loved is more important than being respected. So women bend over backwards, disrupt their lives and put everything else on hold to feel loved and men are not required to be a pursuer or even an equal participant. How do we correct this problem though? I'm starting by doing away with the notion that a girl can be "too clingy" after being involved with a guy. I'm demanding the attention and respect that I deserve before giving a part of myself to someone. I'm worth that and I'm waiting for a man who recognizes that and adores me even when I'm at my "worst."

Medical Clearance

I finally, finally, finally, got my medical clearance for the US State Department! After a year of doctors, tests, needles, ridiculous diagnoses, and utter frustration, I have an unlimited medical clearance.

Pretty funny how the background check/security clearance took no more than 6 weeks after all my traveling and moving but the medical clearance took nearly a year when I've never been sick. The whole process really tested my limits, not to mention my faith. Now that I'm an eligible candidate and moving forward to start my dream job it's easy to believe that God had some purpose in making me wait. Looking back over the last few months I have totally given up in so many ways. I doubted God's sovereignty and love. I let the disappointment and frustration get the best of me.

At the same time though I had just reached a point where I was okay with doing something else. I signed a lease, took a teaching job for the 2007/2008 academic year and decided to get out of the holding pattern. I determined to take advantage of my current circumstances and enjoy the time and relationships I have now rather than focusing only on the next step. I've always been so goal oriented and visionary that I have often neglected the present. I wait for the next big event to occur before I can really start living. I focus on how much better my life will be once I have ____. For the last two years all I have been able to think about is how fabulous my life will be once I am in the Foreign Service, living overseas, doing a job I love, serving my country, making a good salary, traveling, etc. So for me to take a step to make the most of "now" is significant. Now everything is up in the air again. I could get an assignment anytime in the next 18 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited. It's just funny how things work.

In the Mirror

This weekend I got a reminder of where I've been. My best friend from high school got married in Orlando. I haven't been back in at least 5 or 6 years. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I was dreading going back. I was attacked by fear and anxiety of seeing people and places that I did not want to see. Much of it was a fear of having an emotional reaction that I didn't want to have. I hated the fact that after so many years I could still be hurting. I thought I had gotten over it, I had forgiven and healed and I haven't been affected in years. The prospect of running into people who had hurt me so deeply was enough to reduce me to emotional wreckage. How would I feel when I saw them? What would I say? What would they say? Would they still stand in judgment of me through tight smiles? I began to panic.

Ever since the Spring of my senior year of high school I have been determined to become someone significant. At first it was an "I'll show them" attitude. I quickly realized that I am someone significant and that I deserve respect. I have always been hard working, smart, charming, bright and kind. Making mistakes doesn't eliminate all those aspects of my character. We all make mistakes and the measure of a woman is demonstrated by her ability to recover from those mistakes and use her circumstances to her advantage. I am a woman of courage and integrity and I should not let anyone make me feel otherwise. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them." I took that on as my motto this weekend and determined to celebrate my friend's wedding regardless of the condescending stares.

Overall I think that this weekend destroyed some spiritual strongholds in my life. I think Satan was using lies and fear to keep me trapped. Once I arrived in Orlando and began interacting with past acquaintances again I realized that I had no reason to be afraid. Most people were happy to see me and impressed with all I have accomplished. It ended up being a very encouraging weekend after all. Not that I plan on taking regular vacations to Orlando, but I feel like I conquered something and that a little light penetrated the darkness. I needed to look in the rear view mirror to remind me of where I've been, where I'm going, and who I am. With that glance Orlando doesn't hold as much of the oppressive spirit that it did a week ago. I'm thankful. Thankful that I had the strength to go, face my fear and come out encouraged. Perhaps I never had anything to fear, but as the other Roosevelt said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Playing the Field Redux

I came across an old post that I never published. After reading it again I had to post it because I find myself in the same position yet again. It just goes to show that all that time I thought I was learning and growing I was really running in circles. It's a little frustrating. Same story new characters. The situtation has intesified over the last couple months though and I'm just more confused than ever.

I hate being in the position of wanting to be with someone I can't be with or wanting to be with someone who doesn't share that desire. I'm frustrated with distance and I'm frustrated by proximity. The person I would like to spend more time with lives a thousand miles away and the person I would like to get the farthest away from works next door.

Speaking of distance. . . I'm attending a wedding next weekend. An old friend from high school is getting married in Orlando. Usually I would be really excited about a wedding and seeing old friends, etc. This time I'm just nervous and kind of dreading it. Not that I'm not exctited for my friend, I'm thrilled for her and really proud, in a strange way. I've known her for so long and to see her all grown up and getting married, anyway. So I haven't been back to Orlando in years. And any time I spent there while I was in college was brief and uncomfortable. News of an old boyfriend who has moved back to Orlando added to my anxiety about the wedding. After high school any time I went to Orlando I lived in fear of running into him somewhere or seeing a friend of his or even hearing his name mentioned. It feels petty and young but all these fears have bombarded me again. I'm just not in a position right now to deal with that. My arsenal is empty and I'm heading into a battle zone with only my wits.

Random Questions

At least twice in the last few weeks I've been accused of "choosing my words very carefully." I've never considered myself a very guarded person, but I guess I am careful about what I let people know about me. It's self preservation. Is this a sign that I don't trust people? I am not of the mindset that everyone is "out to get me." But I am selective about with who I want to be emotionally vulnerable. Funny thing is I haven't been very choosy about with who I am physically vulnerable. Why does a physical bond with someone seem much safer than an emotional bond? In reality physical intimacy is much more dangerous. I don't want to open myself up to a lot of pain and hassle, but I still want to be close to people. This is the reason I love answering/asking random questions. It feels like a casual way for people to get to know me. Perhaps that's why we all enjoy those online quizzes that we post on our myspace/facebook profiles.

I need a Kit-Kat

Remember the old commercial; it came on during the Cosby show. It had a catchy little tune: "Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of the Kit-Kat Bar." Right now, no candy bar could give me the break I need.

Have you ever felt like you're living a nightmare? Maybe you've had one of those dreams, early in the morning, between waking and sleeping, where the people, situations, conversations and locations seem so real, but at the same time, not right. This is my existence right now. I have perfectly normal interactions with people, I even have fun. The day to day of life is pretty great. But there's this overarching "wrongness." I can't pinpoint it, or even describe it well.

Lately, everything has gone wrong. Not in the I-spilled-my-coffee, wrecked my car, or my boyfriend dumped me kind of way. I mean in the, I've lost everything that's important to me kind of way. Granted, the people I care about are still around, but everything I've worked for has slowly slipped away over the last few months. It's like trying to hold water in a sieve.

I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful. It has always worked. I work hard, I get what I want. I set out to meet a goal, I take the necessary steps to achieve it. Success has come fairly easily to me. Lately though, the only thing preventing me from getting what I want is completely out of my control.

It really makes me angry at first. Really angry. Angry at God mostly. Why has my life been so hard? Why, if he is sovereign, do these horrible things keep happening to me? Why, if he loves me, does he let such painful things prevent me from living the abundant life I thought he had planned for me? My first conclusion is that he really doesn't love me at all. But I know right away that's a lie. My experience has always been that God does love me. All good things in my life have been a direct blessing from Him. My second conclusion then, is that God has misled or deceived me. Why did he lead me to believe that he had specific things he wanted me to accomplish and a certain path he wanted me to take. All the roadsigns where there, the path was lit, the way was clear. Now that path has put me at a dead end, the forest is closing in around me and all the trees look the same. This can't be right either. The God I know is Truth. He is incapable of deception. My third conclusion then, is that God really isn't sovereign. He's not in control of my circumstances and even if he did love me and did have certain plans for me, he is incapable of orchestrating my circumstances to make things work. So where does this leave me? I can't believe that God a) doesn't love me, b) is deceitful, or c) is powerless. It must not be a problem with God then. It must be a problem in how I view God. I have to go on what I know to be true about the character of God and trust that he does love me and he does have good things for me. Maybe things aren't going the way I want or expected them too. There has to be an alternative plan that I can't see right now.

It's easy to trust God when life is easy. It's much harder when nothing makes sense and everything is falling apart at the seams. I'm just not sure how many more disappointments I can handle at this point. Give me a break. . .

Attitude Adjustment

I can't say that the last few months have gone exactly as I had hoped. It's become easy for me to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I've always thought of myself as a positive person with the ability to push through disappointment with a smile on my face. Lately this quality has been put to the test.

My favorite movie growing up was The Princess Bride. In the midst of a sword fight, "Dread Pirate Roberts" tells Inigo Montoya to "get used to disappointment." I don't think I ever recognized the tragedy in this statement until recently.

I hate the fact that I'm beginning to accept disappointment as a way of life. Perhaps it sounds naive, but I have always sustained the belief that things work out for good. I know God is sovereign and until lately I've little trouble believing that He has my best interests in mind. Maybe I've had doubts at times, but never have I been so thoroughly frustrated for an extended period of time.

It's time for an attitude adjustment.

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about how I use my resources and the opportunities I have to leverage eternal outcomes. The pastor at the church I've been attending has been talking about money management and stewardship lately. I am most often inclined to be quite selfish with how I use my time, money and energy. One idea that has stuck with me is that the only way to overcome greed is to put someone else's needs above my own. I think this is true with any other kind of selfishness. My self-pity and absorption with my disappointment can only be overcome by putting other people's needs before my own. I've often read that the best way to beat depression is to help someone else. It's common to compare oneself to all the people in better circumstances, but I never compare myself to someone who's worse-off. So I'm committing my time and resources to improving others' situations.

Am I ignoring my problems? Maybe. Maybe I'm just coping. I do know that I'm not willing to "get used to disappointment." I have to trust that God is sovereign and that in spite of things not going the way I planned, I am still on an incredible adventure that will end in "Happily Ever After."