ENFP

I am working on a research paper about using the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator as a tool for understanding second language acquisition. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is an assessment tool used to analyze and understand the natural preferences and tendencies that are most commonly perceived as personality. Based on a Jungian philosophy of personality as the compilation of natural tendencies that make up our patterns of behavior, as well as individual thought processes and how we perceive and interact with the world, Myers-Briggs designates these traits into eight different "dichotomies," or preferences, and then sixteen different "types," each made up of combinations of four dichotomies. Every pair of dichotomies are, in a sense, on opposite ends of a spectrum from each other. Individuals fall somewhere on the spectrum, our behaviors or tendencies emulating one end more closely than the other.

While our preferences or tendencies are natural or inborn, they are also developed through experience and our environment. One of the simplest analogies offered to explain how these preferences are developed is "handedness." Each of us has a natural tendency for which hand is our dominant hand, but either hand may become dominant through greater use.

My Dad has used this tool for quite some time in his work helping teams communicate and operate better - and those individuals interact with each other better. These Types have been an important aspect of operating within our family and understanding/respecting each others' needs/preferences.

My Myers-Briggs Type is ENFP. Basically, it means that I am 1) a people person with high social needs - I am energized through interaction with others; 2) I process information intuitively; 3) I make decisions based on my values and how it will affect other people; and 4) I deal with the world in a flexible, spontaneous way, seeking to experience life, rather than try to control it. Again, these are all true of me to varying degrees and this particular combination renders different patterns of behavior than each individual dichotomy would predict on its own. The most accurate/interesting element of my personality that this reveals is that I am future oriented, always believing that tomorrow will be better than today, and dreaming about future circumstances consumes a large portion of my thoughts. You might think this makes me seem like a head-in-the-clouds kind of girl, except that the "Feeling" aspect of my personality is introverted - and I am more likely to seem aloof and indecisive while I process emotions internally. Also, on the Thinking/Feeling scale, I am about dead center - making me both an idealist and a pragmatist.

After all my research, all I can really say in terms of second language acquisition teaching strategies is that someone with a personality profile of Michael Scott would be a much better ESL teacher than someone with the personality profile of Angela (just watch The Office).

Taking Hold of a Life that is Truly Life

This week made me realize that I am not being very intentional to live the life that I want and believe I can have.

I went to work everyday in a great mood. The weather was beautiful. Even though I've been tired, I'm feeling healthy and preparing for the next big race. As soon as I walked through those heavy wooden doors each morning, my level of happiness fell from a 10 to about a 4. As the day progressed, my mood continued to fall. By about 2:30 every afternoon, I was counting the seconds until 5:00.

The office politics that I can usually avoid seemed to affect me more directly this week. I was bitterly reminded by a co-worker that So-and-so "will stab you in the back while giving you a hug," after experiencing this truth myself. The holidays always usher in the typical end-of-year financial concerns. It's put everyone on edge and the tension is palpable. Personally, I'm used to living on a shoestring budget. I still have a fair amount of stress related to money, but it's become my lifestyle rather than a temporary threat to my lifestyle. So I just accept that I can't afford to do all the things I want to do AND fulfill all my financial obligations. For people who haven't had to tighten their budget significantly in a very long time, they seem to take out their frustration on everyone around them. So, while I can't really blame people for being more spiteful and bitter than usual, I don't appreciate being the target of their anger.

So everyday I was reminded of how much I dislike working for someone else. I want to be in a position where I can control what I do with my day and how I spend my time and resources. And I would really like to have resources to allocate to things that I care about, rather than just dishing out a large majority of my income to pay bills. I want to be free to spend time doing things I care about and enjoy. I'm taking advantage of a new opportunity that has presented itself. I'm letting go of my fear of failing. I'm trying to ignore the petty little voice in my head that asks "what will people think?" Because if I never try, I'll never actually succeed. I've tried scary things this year, and they've turned out really well. I've learned that I'm capable of greater things than I knew.

First Snow

Even before I opened my eyes this morning, I knew what had happened over night. The stillness gave it away. I jumped out of bed, disturbing Oliver from his warm spot next to, and yanked open the blinds. It had snowed for the first time this season. The entire outside world was lightly dusted with a clean, sparkling layer of feathery snowflakes, and they were still coming down. I opened the window to feel the chilled air on my face and breathe in the damp smell. Everything felt so quiet, so at peace. This is one of the many reasons I love living in Colorado.

Now if it would only just keep snowing all weekend and force the entire city to shut down for the first three days of next week, I would be even more grateful to live in Colorado.

The Difference

I had a pair of conversations this week with people from the past. They both cast an interesting new light on my future, in very different ways.

The first conversation was in response to my previous blog post about my relationships with men. Though this person was not listed in my Male Revue, he was a significant friend at an important point in my life. Just as I remember, he offered kind, honest, intelligent advice to my recent commiserating over my seemingly failed love life. It was really encouraging. Every girl really needs at least one solid male friend (in addition to all the great girl friends) to remind her that she's valuable and worth pursuing. I'm thankful for mine.

The second conversation was liberating and encouraging in a very different way. It made me realize that someone who I thought was so very important, really doesn't have a hold on me anymore. What a sensation to finally stop wondering and hoping that they would once again become a major part of my life. I left the conversation thinking, "what was the big deal?" What a relief!

So this pair of conversations with someone who genuinely cares about me (even after all this time), and someone who genuinely cares about themself (even after all this time), helped reaffirm my own belief that I don't need to settle for second best. I may not be in a position to do everything I want to do right now, to the full extent, but I am committed to doing small things today to help me become the woman I want to be tomorrow. That's been my motto/mantra for the last few weeks. I really want to take active steps each day that will eventually put me where I want to be in the long run.

If 2007 was the Year of Disappointment, and 2008 has been the Year of Forward Progress, then 2009 will be the Year of Making Good Things Happen. I can't wait to start making my New Year's Resolutions!

Looking for Love (In all the Wrong Places)

I've been thinking a lot lately about relationships; trying to figure out why I can't seem to make one work. I was flipping through my mental card catalogue of boys/guys/men with whom I've been involved (or uninvolved) romantically, drawing comparisons and attempting to find a common denominator. The solution may simply be that the timing just isn't right for me to meet Mr. Right; and I'm fine with that. But since I'm female (read "crazy") I have to analyze, to a point that defies reason, why I can't find one that sticks, or that makes me want to stick. The result is this anthology of failed relationships:

1) The First One: I had my first real crush when I was 7. I hated him at first because he threw spit wads at me in Sunday School, splashed water in my face in the swimming pool, and kicked sand at me on the softball field. After several weeks of this harassment, I was a tearful mess. I didn't understand why he was being so mean. My Mom playfully assured me that this is just how boys act if they think a girl is cute. With this realization I quickly developed a crush. I don't remember ever having a single exchange of words with the boy, but I do remember the endless teasing that resulted after I tried to kiss him. I had never been so embarrassed.

2) The One I told to "Eat Dirt": I have a memory from when I was 9 about a big-eyed boy in our homeschool playgroup who kept staring at me on the playground. I thought he was weird and it made me uncomfortable but my friend assured me that he just liked me. So, to prove to my friend that I was not going to let some boy ruin our fun, I marched over to him on the tire swing, stamped my foot and told him to stop staring at me and go eat dirt.

3) The One Who Thought He was Smarter: In 7th grade, my final year of homeschooling I beat out a boy for a spot in the National Geographic State-Wide Geography Bee. He was always such a know-it-all, but he was relatively nice, and I starting putting on make-up whenever his family came over. He had won the local competition the year before and not passed the test to get into the State Competition. When I won the local contest, he assured me that there was no way I would pass the test to go to State since he had not passed. When I well exceeded the necessary score to move ahead, he reasoned that the test must have been easier than when he took it. I refused to speak to him from that point forward.

4) The One Who Asked Me Out: In 8th grade, my first year in public school, I was painfully shy and scared to tears of most of my peers. When one of the "popular" guys asked me to "go out" with him, I quietly, and snobbishly refused - knowing it was a chance for him to make a fool of me. "Why not?" he asked.
"I like someone else," I lied.
He walked back to his group of friends, laughing and clutching his chest like I had broken his heart.

5) The One I Pursued: My freshman year of high school I took the initiative and told a boy that I liked him, and that if he wanted to hang out sometime, I would be interested. He just smiled, said, "okay, see you later," closed the door and avoided me for the next 8 years. AWKWARD.

6) The One Who "Ruined My Life": So I'm being a little dramatic about this one, but at the time, I really thought my life was over. It was a long, confusing, back and forth relationship that preoccupied most of my high school life. Really, the only reason I can remember for starting to date the guy in the first place was because he was really interested in my best friend but she had rejected him and he wanted someone to talk to. I think he hoped that I would put in a good word on his behalf, but I ended up being a much easier target. Really, what I regret about this whole period was the friendships and relationships I missed out on because I was so concerned with making him happy. I lied to my parents and pretty much anyone I knew to be with the guy, and ended up deeply hurt and very alone.

7) The Good One*: There are some guys/men who are worth their weight in gold. These are the ones who make you feel special, valuable, beautiful, even at your worst. We never had more than a close friendship, but things he said to me years ago, and our interactions still stay with me. In many ways, he's an ideal. Even after we went our separate ways we maintained a frequent, respectful and delightful correspondence. Our differences on the most touchy subjects were never an issue, and our conversations of such topics were always intelligent, civil, respectful, and enriching. He's happy and successful; I can't imagine anyone who deserves it more.

8) The Wrong One (in all the right ways): When I first met him he had BO, he was awkward, abrasive, defensive, and intense. These days, he's still defensive and intense, but he's also confident, driven, and passionate (last time I saw him, he smelled pretty damn good too). He chased me, I chased him. We have both been through our series of good and bad relationships. We never saw eye to eye on much of anything, and trying to encourage each other started feeling like a chore. I was in a constant state of confusion with him - never really knowing what he wanted from me (because he never really knew himself). Plus it just never made sense. When I first started feeling something for him, it didn't fit into my idea of what my life and my man should look like, so I fought it. I degenerated into a spiteful, selfish, petty, scared, girl with him. But no one has ever made me laugh so hard. When I was with him and things were good, they were so good, none of that other stuff mattered.

9) The One Who Was Perfect: Everything about him was just right. He wanted the same things out of life as me, heading the same direction, believed all the same things, said all the right words, smart, funny (in a quirky way), polite, hard-working, adventurous, athletic, tall, dark, handsome. I never figured out how to overcome my shyness to really talk to him. As much as we enjoyed each others' company, it was never comfortable. As much as I admire(d) him, I kept waiting for him to initiate, and when he finally did, I didn't know how to react, got scared, and turned him down. Certainly one of the nicest guys in the world. I know that whoever he is with is very, very happy.

10) The Democrat: There are many ways I could describe him, but at the time, his political affiliation was what mattered. I was in my staunch conservative days and he was so very liberal, that I couldn't help but be attracted to him. He was willing to discuss and debate everything, openly, evenly, and respectfully. I fell in love with the fact that he respected me enough to have a heated debate, and we never left with hard feelings. (Actually, this is probably the only thing wrong with #9 - he refused to have a political discussion - or any kind of serious discussion about anything which we may have disagreed.) He took me to baseball games, did crossword puzzles with me, but when I mentioned visiting him at school, he freaked out, froze up, and stopped calling. He did give me a very nice goodbye present and a heartfelt card. He very graciously called every couple days to check on me after my move to Kansas before he vanished. No amount of googling and Facebook stalking has rendered any results.

11) The Nice Guy: I initially blew him off as boring. So nice, I wouldn't go out with him more than a few times because I was afraid I would just hurt his feelings. Now he's a good friend and someone that I often compare the man of the moment to. Few measure up, but I still can't find it in me to fall for him.

12) The Unrequited One*: This is the guy with whom I interact often, as a friend. But I know that if I were to ever, for one second, indicate romantic interest, he would be at my beckon call. Again, he's so nice, but so very awkward, and so self-deprecating (usually his attempt at humor), that I could never bring myself to date him, even if I did find him mildly attractive. He epitomizes the "nice guys finish last" adage. I feel guilty now for even including him in the list - but I feel like it's somewhat characteristic of many relationships. I often get myself in trouble because what I consider to be friendliness and kindness gets confused with romantic interest. He IS pleasant company, and it's always nice to be adored. However, I try very hard to never be in a position where I could be accused of leading him on.

13) Mr. Right-Now: Any random guy will do at this point, except of course the ones that are actually attractive or interesting. It's easiest, I've found, to just keep things simple so I don't actually have to care about the guys I'm dating. Low risk. When I, inevitably, get bored after a couple weeks, I don't care when he stops calling. Last week, the guy that I was most excited about asked whether I had other dates lined up with other guys while he was out of town because he doesn't want a relationship. I wasn't sure how to take that, but I was relieved, nonetheless. I'm not in a position to be in a relationship either, but the fact that he wasn't willing to commit to me stung a bit. On Monday, I had resolved that this was good and I was totally okay with just seeing him when I see him. By Wednesday I was on a date with a different guy. Today, I won't blink an eye if I don't hear from him when he's back in town. I've been anticipating this outcome for the last two weeks. My strategy these days is to keep at least two in the queue; so when one drops out, I always have back-ups. So far, it's working fairly well. Easy come, easy go.

I'm really okay with where I am in my life. I've never really played the dating game, so it's a learning experience - and I've always been a good student. But I'm puzzled as to why a smart, beautiful, fun, easy-going, woman like myself can't get a man. I heard a theory earlier this summer that men only want bitches. I don't think I fit into that category (yet), maybe that's my problem? Really, I think it's a matter of wrong place, wrong time. When the time is right, I'll find love - inconvenient, ridiculous, all-consuming love - with someone who is willing to put in all time and effort that I deserve.

* These were late additions that, after careful consideration, had to make the cut.

My New Favorite Running Tool

I love www.mapmyrun.com

I run a route in the morning, trace it on the map on the website when I get to work, and it calculates the distance for me.

The link above shows the path of my typical weekday run.

The coolest part is that if I'm going to a new place I can map out a route before I get there and know exactly where I'm going and how far. For example, when I went to Las Vegas in September, I knew that I needed to run about 10 miles that Saturday. I also wanted to run part of the upcoming LV Marathon course. Using this tool I was able to lay out a route ahead of time, by referring to the Marathon course map, and eliminated the guess work. It made it that much easier to get up and go in the morning. I had a plan and I stuck to it.

If you're just getting in to running and need to plan out a few runs of various distances, this is a really easy way to develop a training plan using the streets and sidewalks by your house. Make a plan, map your route, step out your front door, and hit the road!

The Amazingness Keeps on Coming

If you know anything about the New York City Marathon, you should know that it is incredibly difficult to get in to if you are not a New York Resident. Registration is based on a lottery system. There are a few lucky people who get their names pulled out of the hat to run the legendary race (I don't know any). There are others of us who have luck (blessings) of a different sort. In my case, I have a friend who has a friend who has a connection with an "in" for the 2009 NY Marathon. So, as of January 1, 2009 I will be an entrant! The only requirement for me will be to do a run with the training group in NYC sometime in 2009 and show up on race weekend to pick up my bib and run my little booty off.

The very best part will be running with my friend Will. It will most likely be his first full marathon, and his preparation for the 2010 Boston Marathon - for which I will be trying to qualify in the next year.

I think it's safe to say I've caught the running bug.

Speaking of which, I begin training for the 12/7 LV Marathon this week. After two weeks of taking it easy, resting and recovering, I am ready to get back on a training schedule. My plan is to ramp up the mileage a little more this week - try to hit about 25 miles. Then next week take it up another notch and top out at 12-15 miles that weekend. After that, I'll taper it off again to try and get some good rest. Runners' World has a "Bounce Back" Plan, so I'm going to test that out. The real advantage of doing them so close together is not having to start at square one again. I'm looking forward to seeing how my body responds. Even if the race doesn't go well, I'm certainly going to have fun in Vegas!