Count-down to Denver Marathon

I am just three weeks away from running my second marathon this year.

One of my New Year's Resolutions for 2008 was to train for and run ONE marathon. By the time we're making New Year's Resolutions for 2009, I will have completed three.

I'm really proud of myself for sticking with my goals this year, and doing things that are important to me. Even while on vacation this past weekend in Las Vegas I got up on Saturday morning at 8:00 and completed my scheduled 10 mile run. It was hot, I was tired, my sweat smelled like Tanqueray, but I did it. This week we continue our taper, and while I haven't trained as hard for this race as I did for the first one, I've trained smarter, with a more experienced group of runners and more knowledgeable coaching staff. I feel like the taper is well deserved. I'm much faster and stronger than I was in June. I'm really excited to see how my race-day performance improves.

I think I finally know what it feels like to do something I love. I've done lots of things I've enjoyed, lots of things to take pride in, but not anything I want to identify with. I like being a runner. I like lacing up my shoes at the end of the work day and unwinding with a few miles. I like running races. I like being associated with people who like running. There's a mentality, an attitude, a shared joy in doing something that non-runners just don't get. I like reading about running, runners, races, and training programs. I really like eating like a runner. I've enjoyed figuring out how to make running a part of my daily life, and I don't like days that I don't run. I never thought of myself as an athlete until this year, but I'm changing my mind on that point. I've always been fairly coordinated, but never very confident in my abilities. After enlisting in the Army and completing basic training, I realized that I can do a lot more than I give myself credit for; I just have to try.

I'm not worried or nervous about my upcoming races; I know I can run them well. The real question is "what can I do next?" Ultramarathons? Triathalons? Adventure Racing? Who knows, I'm ready to try it all.

The Perfect Run

I was so wrapped up in things this weekend that I forgot to mention my big accomplishment: I ran a perfect 21 mile training run. It could not have gone better. I think it's a real testament to the quality of training this summer and my growing experience in long-distance running. I ran a consistent 9:30 mile, never got dehydrated, ate when I needed to, never got too sore, too chafed, too blistered, or too tired. Afterwards, I felt good enough to run another five miles. I wasn't even sore yesterday!

With the Denver Marathon one month away, I feel more confident than ever in my running. Over the next four weeks we cut back our distance training significantly and switch to shorter, faster runs over hills to build strength and speed. My predicted marathon finish time is 4:02, and I really think I can make that. Then the Las Vegas Marathon is five weeks later, where I'm hoping to finish in under four hours. If I keep up with my training, continue to take care of myself, recover well, I think Boston may be in my near future.

The World According to Kelly

A few weeks ago I published a blog post addressing my initial reaction to Sarah Palin and my growing distaste for the GOP (see “ Sarah Palin, You Just Lost a Republican Woman’s Vote”). Since then I have received a couple e-mails and comments asking me to expand on this or clarify my position. In response I began composing a post intended to outline my personal political views for the upcoming election. After about 8 loosely organized paragraphs on no less than 5 different issues and topics, I realized that it would be impossible for me to articulate my position on any of these topics in a single post. Rather than creating a series of pre-election day posts here, I have decided to launch an entire blog site for my musings on politics and political issues. If you are interested in reading what I have to say on things like, the purpose of government, why people vote (or don’t vote), how electoral systems work (or don’t work) , the American Education system, healthcare/health insurance, political parties, political leaders, America’s role in international development, the Doha Round, the UN, the EU, Burma (Myanmar), Venezuela, Mexico, NAFTA, and a variety of other topics, please refer to my new blog: www.politikel.blogspot.com

Thanks for reading; and as always, if you have questions and comments, please send them along. I love hearing from you – it’s nice to know you’re on this journey with me.

The Crazy-Girl-Freak-Out and Other Emotional Dance Moves

I've been learning lots of new moves this summer. For a while I was doing the Self-Pity Shuffle, then I tried the Boy-Crazy-Body-Roll, then it was the New-Guy Jitter, two days ago it was the Cloud-Nine Cha-Cha, now it's the Crazy-Girl Freak-Out. Welcome to my Type-A/Perfectionist Dance Party.

I met someone a couple weeks ago. I've been apprehensive about talking about it too much - I don't want to ruin it. He's a smart, polite, well-dressed, genuinely nice guy with a great job (can you believe it? I'm growing up just in time for my birthday next week). We've had a few good dates. The real beauty of the situation is that he's just so easy to be with. There's no hesitation, no guessing games, he calls when he says he will, shows up on time, and he's willing to play things by ear. It's all the benefits of "confident" without the "cocky." By now you may be familiar with my affinity for the Long-Distance Tango. This guy brings the best of both worlds - travels for work four days a week, but in town on the weekends. Seems perfect, right?

Then this morning I hear the tune that starts the dance. The words go something like this: "what if he doesn't call me next week?" "What if he's bored with me already?" "what if he thinks I'm too old for him?" and "Maybe I scared him off by revealing that I iron my pillow cases." By lunch time I've come up with at least two dozen scenarios and reasons why I should be worried. Of course it's just an indication that I might actually like this guy. Which begins the second verse: "don't get too excited too fast," "don't have too high of expectations," "don't plan any long weekend trips," "what if he thinks I'm pathetic because I have time to iron my pillow cases?" It's so ridiculous, but it's a catchy tune. All of this is amplified by the fact that I broke my own no-coffee rule and I have a horrible case of caffeine-induced anxiety.

I don't do the Pop and Drop, I don't think I can handle a Two-at-a-time Two-Step, nor am I really ready for a Relationship Waltz, so the Crazy-Girl Freak Out seems like a happy medium at the moment. My control-freak streak won't let me relax enough to do anything less - I'm not really one to be the wallflower either. It's my party and I'll dance how I want to.

Second Chances

I had this strange revelation last night that sometimes we keep ending up in the same circumstances until we learn the lesson we are supposed to learn.

The tagline on my MySpace page reads: "What's in store for me in the direction I do not take?" It's a Jack Kerouac quote that articulates my outlook on life. I often have a difficult time make decisions, because I always wonder "what if." Fortunately, once I make my choice I rarely look back or carry regrets. I was going through some mental metaphors on my run last night and I realized that I have recently experienced the answer to that question about a particular series of choices I made years ago.

I have occasionally wondered how would my life have been different had I not done X, or had I chosen to do X instead of Y. Funny thing is, I really don't think anything would have really changed. My behavior toward a certain person as an adult would probably have been the same as when I was in high school. I was often reminded of an old version of me when I was around this person. My decision-making pattern was the same with them as it had been in the past, but so different from the way I think and act apart from them. It's like watching a yourself in a dream - you know it's supposed to be you, but it's not, there's something un-you about it.

I wonder was this my chance to see my life in a "what if" perspective? It's rare that your past interacts so directly with your present, but I'm thankful, in this instance, that it did. It was sort of a gift, a brief answer to my overarching question: "what's in store for me in the direction I do not take?"

The point is, though, that I think we have opportunities for do-overs. There are specific lessons we are supposed to learn in order to become the people we are meant to be. So even if we mess it up the first time through, I think there's another shot to get it right later in life. The circumstances, events, and players may all be different, but the core is the same.

I'm struggling to identify the specific lesson in this, but I think it has to do with building integrity/being honest. I get myself in trouble when I give-in too quickly, when I fail to acknowledge and assert values that are important to me, when I let what someone else wants from me (or my interpretation of that) override what I want or what I think is best. It's worth mulling over a bit more - I want to avoid a make-up exam on this set of lessons.

Lost is a Wonderful Place to Be

I had an interesting conversation with a new friend the other night about picking up, leaving everything behind, and moving to Destination Unknown. Ultimately we decided that we are both too responsible to do anything of the sort, but the plan certainly has appeal.

The truth is the restlessness I've been feeling lately has more to do with the fact that I'm actually content and comfortable with my daily routine than with any unhappiness in where I am. It's just that having a routine AT ALL makes me long for more freedom and fewer obligations. Maybe I'm just refusing to grow up? Part of me wants to be a responsible, successful, adult. The other part just wants things to stay simple, fun.

The whole idea of growing up was much prettier when I was still a kid. I had a plan, the picture perfect plan - house with a white picket fence, 2.5 children, happy, successful husband who adored my cooking, etc., etc., all by the time I was 25. Now that I'm reaching 27 (gasp) and don't have any of those things (nor do I really want any of those things anymore), the picture's a bit blurry. What does my future adulthood look like now?

I've been trying to figure out when I decided that I don't want that picture perfect adult life. It struck me that when I was a Freshman at Florida State I attended a conference where I felt a strong calling from God to be a leader in my community, in government. It's something I still hold to as Truth. At that point I thought that in order to accomplish the things I believed God was calling me to do, I couldn't have the standard Mrs. Cleaver life that I had invisioned. (Perhaps that's not true, but it IS more difficult for women to have succesful political careers with a family in tow. This election may be changing all that - we'll see.) I have a specific memory of praying for God to take away at least my fear of not having those things, if not the desire for them. I wanted to be open and available for whatever plan He had in store. I remember crying as I said that prayer because it was so important to me at the time to be a wife and stay-at-home mom. I had completely forgotten about this until I was driving home and something triggered a flood of memories. I was willing to give up something so important and surrender it to God's will when I was 19 or 20, but I have been clinging to something so desperately now that obviously isn't meant for me.

My eligibility with the State Department expired last week. I can't decide whether to put that on hold for now, re-test, or just give it up and find a new dream. The loss of something I never had was suprisingly painful.

If you have read any number of my blog posts, you know my desire for children has all but evaporated, and I struggle with romantic relationships because as much as I long for companionship, I don't have any desire to be obligated to someone in any way that inhibits me from doing what I want to do. Long distance relationships are so appealing to me because they can only affect my day-to-day life as much as I let them. There's little demand on my time, and I only have to invest as much as a phone call or short visit when it's convenient.

In terms of finding a meaningful career, can it be just a matter asking for some Guidance? Praying that my desires are aligned with Gods? This is what I mean by simple: life was much easier when I KNEW everything was out my hands, and I was in His. Disappointment has taken a toll on my faith, and now it all seems so naive. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that mindset, but seeing those memories is like watching home video of someone else's life.

The wonderful thing about not having a set path or picture is that my future is Destination Unknown. In many ways I CAN leave everything behind and venture out into wide open spaces. All those who wander are not lost.

Sarah Palin, You just lost a Republican Woman's Vote

At one point, not so long ago, I fancied myself a Sarah Palin style Republican candidate for National Office: Ultra-Conservative, pictures of me shooting semi-automatic weapons, a wife and mother, anti-abortion, etc. After listening to her speak last night, and observing the RNC, I can't imagine ever wanting to look like that. It wasn't specific words that turned me off, but her demeanor, her attitude, her audience, what I know she stands for/against. Oh, how far I've come. It makes me sad to remember the day I participated in the Young College Republicans at Florida State, selling baked goods at half-price to black students, and full price to white students (affirmative action). I'm ashamed that I was on the local news my freshman year touting my conservatism as I cast a ballot for GW, the first time. And even more ashamed I cheered him on in debates against John Kerry four years later. Those were my convictions, at least I was honest about what I thought I wanted from national leaders. Those were much simpler times, when I could just take what political leaders said at face value, align myself to their terms, and go blissfully about my self-righteous political science studies.

Maybe I'm a cynic, maybe I'm more educated, maybe I've just become more open-minded. The fact of the matter is, I'm tired of politics-as-usual. As the cameras scanned the cheering, "Raising McCain" sign-waving crowds to the sounds of pop-country music, I searched for a face like mine. I searched for someone who cares about the same things I do. Not a one.

Perhaps I'm a product of my environment. Denver isn't the bulwark of conservative activity it once was (http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/09/01/080901fa_fact_lizza). I know I easily adapt the attitudes and behaviors of those with whom I keep close company - I have an overwhelming desire to "fit-in." But I can't believe that my change of political leanings can be completely attributed to my parasitic nature. I DO have some original thoughts and opinions.

As I watched the DNC activity in my own backyard just over a week ago, I wasn't entirely impressed with that either. I was inspired by Obama's acceptance speech - as an MLK Jr. junky and just as susceptible to Populism as the next person, why wouldn't I be? It made me want to be a better member of society, work to improve the world around me, contribute to something bigger than myself. But I can't trust him, so I'm not comfortable throwing my vote behind him, yet. Perhaps I can be convinced to throw caution to the wind and support the pretty words and idealism that are so attractive in my youth. I have plenty of years to be an old political fuddy-duddy, maybe this is the time in my life when I can claim to be idealistic and politically hopeful.

Such Great Heights

Everything looks perfect from far away . . . I'll stay.