Settling In

After three months at home, I've realized that this is going to be more long-term than I orginally expected. I've run into more complications with my Medical Clearance for the State Department. Which, to anyone who knows me is completely ridiculous. I've never been sick a day in my life. I've caught a flu or a cold, but nothing that I ever had to miss a day of school or work over. But apparently, I have TB. This is nothing new. I've had at least three positive TB skin tests over the years, but always a negative chest x-ray and never a sign of active TB. I was probably exposed to it when I was younger and it never leaves your system. So now, I'm probably going to have to complete 6-9 months of inconvenient treatment before I'm cleared for overseas employment. That's not even the worst of it though. This spring, after multiple blood tests, it turns out that I'm not producing enough neutrophils (bacteria-fighting white blood cells). Neutropenia is usually a symptom of lymphoma or leukemia; of which, I have neither. What really gets me is that in all my traveling I have always been the one who stayed healthy. I have never gotten any kind of bacterial infection, ameoba, parasite, nothing. It's just so frustrating that they received these test results nearly 8 months ago and are just now taking notice. I've been in pre-employment screening for almost a year now. Actually almost two years ago to the day, I decided that I wanted a career in the Foreign Service. I never thought I would still be waiting. Even two months ago, I thought for sure I would be packing my bags by January. I refused to settle in here and accept that I might be living at home for more than a few months. Now I guess I have to face the truth. So what do I want to accomplish here? How am I going to best use my time in Colorado? What's my next move in terms of advancing my career while I wait for my job to come through? I'm sure working at P.F. Chang's isn't going to get me very far.

Playing the Field

Let me preface this by saying that as a Christian I am truly interested in treating all men with respect, kindness, and in a way that acknowledges the fact that they are created in the image of God and have an eternal soul and a vulnerable heart. Now, I'm going to reveal the selfishness of my natural state that usually takes over when I deal with men.

I need an offensive coordinator for my love-life. Someone to needs teach me to read the defense and know when to use a screen pass to gain a few yards or throw a hail mary for the end-zone.

My entire adolescent and adult love life has consisted of two different situations: 1)trying to figure out how to make a specific guy like me, and getting/keeping his attention without making him think I'm going to sleep with him; and 2)trying to make a specific guy that I'm not interested in know that I'm not interested without being hurtful or unkind. Right now I'm experiencing both situations, but the first one to a greater degree than the second. First, the guy I really like isn't interested in me beyond the fact that I'm a girl and he just really likes girls in general. Why can't I just forget about this guy and find someone who does appreciate me? I'm trying. So, that leads into situation two. There are about three other guys who have expressed interest in me. Do I continue to indicate interest in the guy I really like knowing that it probably won't go anywhere? Or do I casually flirt with the others, knowing that they will "take the bait"? Maybe a simpler way to phrase the question is, do I go after what I really want, or do I settle for the obtainable? Easy answer, right? Go for what you really want. Now the tricky part for me is that with guys, I don't want to be the one "going after" someone. They should be the ones in pursuit. So what's the key? How do I get a particular guy to pursue me? How do I modestly suggest that I would be open to the chase? Is it even worth my time and energy? At this point in my life, probably not. I'm not looking to get married or even get into a serious relationship right now. I wouldn't even know what to do with this guy once I caught him anyway. I think I just want to be wanted. If that's the case, any one of the interested fellows could satisfy that desire. But that's not fair to them. This puts me back into my pattern of self-imposed singledom seasoned with casual flirting and the intrigue of "what-if" with any attractive male friend.

Waiting

I've only seen part of the movie "Waiting," and I really didn't like it. Actually, I was so disgusted that I intentionally avoided watching it even though it was showing in the same room. Now that I'm working in a restaurant again, I think I get it a little better. Fortunately we don't have quite the stereotypes as portrayed in the film, but there are a few I'd like to add. You'll have to forgive any duplications, because, like I said I tried really hard not to watch it.

Angry guy: Guy who complains about everything. If he doesn't get a table quick enough, he's mad. If he gets a table too quickly, he gets mad. If he has too few people at a table, he complains. If he has too many people at a table, he complains. If the food comes out too quick, he's mad. If it comes out too slow, he's mad. If the cute hostess doesn't talk to him, he's mad. . .yea, I don't think he gets mad if she talks to him too much, but that has yet too happen (since he's always mad, no one likes talking to him). If he gets too many shifts in a week, he's mad. If he doesn't get enough shifts in a week, he's mad. I've even seen him be mad at a table for ordering too much food, and mad at a table for not ordering enough food. You get the point. And since servers drink A LOT together, he's a pretty angry drunk.

Future restaurant manager girl: This is the girl who has been working at the same restaurant in the same position since the doors opened on day one. She's the one that no one really likes except the managers. She's really sweet to everyone, but never in sincerity. She definitely knows how to play the game, and you can imagine her as Kristy Allie's character in Drop Dead Gorgeous where she would kill anyone who got in her way all while wearing an evening gown, heels, tiara, and vaseline on her smiling lips.

Anarchist guy: this guy uses the F-word to describe literally everything. He hates f-ing laws, despises f-ing politicians as corrupt f-ing pigs, talks about the f-ing military-industrial complex as if it was f-ing mold in his own f-ing basement, curses pop f-ing culture and refuses to bathe regularly or wear deoderant.

Invisible guy: He always has his shifts picked up. Never works. I don't know if anyone has actually met him other than the gut who hired him three years ago and moved into regional management status soon after. . .for some reason I don't think that's a coincidence.

Kelis (ie. Bossy): This chick knows it all and will tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how to do it right. From putting beverage napkins on the table with the restaurant logo FACING the guest at a right angle, to drizzling caramel sauce on two 3 3/4 inch scoops of ice cream in a back and forth motion starting at the right corner of the plate, this girl will tell you how to do it all.

Stressed out guy: Any sign of busy-ness attacks this guy with serious anxiety. His motto is "be like a duck, remain calm on the surface but paddle like hell under water." At a table he is the picture of poise and serenity, in the back he's dragging on his inhaler, mopping sweat from his face and dashing from appetizer line to entree line like he's running sprints at football practice.

Drunk guy: He's always drunk or getting drunk. He comes into work drunk so as not to feel the hangover from the night before and saunters over to the restaurant next door to take shots between tables.

While I'm waiting for the State Department to call, I might as well enjoy my time waiting tables. It's a good time. Stick around to learn more about the characters in my restaurant.

Long November

Living at home with my parents has both good and bad qualities. I like not paying rent, paying utility bills and having food in the refrigerator that I didn't pay for and can eat without starting a fight. I don't like having to call home if I'm going to be later than 2, being chauffered everywhere by my dad because I don't have a car, not being able to invite people over anytime I want and not having as much space for me and all my stuff. Most of the time I'm at work so it's really okay when I'm at home. I work alot. I work almost everyday, weekends included. I have one day a week that I know I don't have to work: Thursdays. I don't work Thursdays because my Yoga class is on Thursday mornings and The Office and NCAA football are on Thursday night. Every other day I work either lunch or dinner, or both. Usually both. I like my job. I like the people I work with. It's a fun place for me to earn some money while I wait for the State Department to call me. I'm beginning to wonder when that's going to happen. I'm looking forward to being on my own again and really starting my life as an adult.

I read an interesting little article in the Denver Post this morning about 20Somethings and the new transition into adulthood. This is the first generation that hasn't jumped headlong into a full-time, life-long career right out of college. 20Somethings spend a lot more time traveling, working part-time or temporary jobs while they figure out who they are. I liked the way one of the subjects described the process: It's about trying to fit an identity to your body. I'm familiar with my body, I know what the physical part of me is about, and I'm finally at the point where I really like that part of me and am comfortable with that. But the identity part, the 'who am I and what I stand for' part of me is still fuzzy. I think part of it is about determining priorities. Up until now, my priorities have focused around friends, family and school. Now that school is done, it seems natural that career would fall in its place. It's trickier than that though. Choosing a Career is more of a process or series of decisions rather than one choice. I want to choose a career path more than just a job. Where will my job take me in 10, 15, 30 years? Is it something that will contribute to my overall goals? What are my overall goals? What steps do I need to take to achieve those? This is where I think having a good mentor comes in. Someone who knows the ropes, knows the path and can offer some guidance. Now where do I get one of those? There aren't that many women (or men for that matter) that have taken the path I want to follow. And I don't know any of them. So now what? I guess I need to start looking for jobs outside the service industry, or just hope and pray that Bill Ritter will sit at my table for lunch.

Fort Jackson, SC

After nearly 12 weeks in training at Fort Jackson, SC it feels really good to be home. I had a great summer though. It really was a good experience. Of course there were times when all I wanted was to come home, but all in all, I dare say I enjoyed it. I met some good people, learned some important lessons, and had multiple opportunities to put my moral courage to the test. I don't know if I always made the right decisions, but I made it through without any casualties. They say that a person's true character shines through in the most stressful situations. I think this summer was a test of my integrity and a test of my priorities. I realized a few things about myself and about life in general:

I am a selfish person
I am no different than anyone else, but it is only by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit working through me that I can be changed.
I only fail when I give up on myself
Success is not about the awards and distinctions, but about how you impact people
Leadership is about good decision making, but more often it's about good execution of those decisions
The only way to face fears or obstacles is head on
The only way to recover from failure is to keep moving without loss of momentum
Circumstances are much less important that character

I could probably add a few more axioms to sum up what I learned this summer, but I don't want to trivialize my experience. In hindsight everything is easy. The hard part now is taking what I learned and putting it to work for me now, in the civilian world. Now that I'm home, I feel like I'm re-entering my other life. My military life and my civilian life are like two compartmentalized beings. I really want the military me to be a greater part of my civilian life. The military me is bolder, stronger, less concerned with other people's opinions, and more willing to help people. The civilian me is pretty timid and even though I'm friendly and kind, I don't assert myself or speak up for myself. If I want to be a leader in both of those worlds, I need to incorporate my military training into my everyday life.

"Trying to Date"

So this guy is "trying to date this girl." What does that mean? I've heard that several times from friends who have been "trying to date" a girl. Is it that difficult? I guess girls, in general, are hard to be with. I don't think I'd be hard to date at all. Why isn't anyone trying to date me? I'm easy to be with. I'm funny, smart, pretty, easy-going, I like to laugh, I'm adventurous. Why is it so hard for boys to like me? I hate the saying, "all the good ones are taken or gay," but I'm beginning to think it's true. . .

Isn't It Ironic?

If someone were to ask me about my favorite band, I would have to say "U2," hands down - they're the best band in the history of music. While I adore Bono, the Edge, Adam and Larry, I think the musician who has had the greatest impact on my understanding of how women relate to men is Alanis Morisette. I know she's not really a great role model and songs like, "You Oughta Know," and "Right Through You" are not anthems to healthy relationships. I think that the fact that she became popular when I was first becoming interested in boys and my mom really didn't like her, had a lot to do with the fact that I claimed her as my own voice of angst and emotion. I used to sing "Head Over Feet" to my first boyfriend. When we broke up, all I wanted to listen to was "You Learn." It's fitting that "Ironic" is my current soundtrack.

I'm moving on Friday. Leaving Lawrence and not coming back for any extended period of time. It makes sense that I just met the man of my dreams.

When I first moved here in August 2004, one of my friends and mentors predicted that I would meet my husband here. I laughed it off and forgot it about. At the time I was pretty convinced that I had already met my husband, he just lived 1000 miles away and didn't quite realize that he was in love with me. I was still convinced of that until about a week ago. Now, I'm really hoping she was right.

I met this guy at my regular coffee shop. When I walked in the door, I overheard him talking about the city where I went to college. After ordering my latte, I sat down at a table next to his and tried to look consumed with my book while eavesdropping. He wasn't saying very flattering things about my city or my alma matter, so I looked over and indignantly asked if he was from there.

"I lived there for a few months. Why? Am I trashing your town?"

"Yeah, you are," I replied shyly, realizing how rude I had been.

It turns out we have a lot in common. He's spent some time in Latin America, he enjoys talking about politics, he's in law school, he's really good looking, smart and funny. He likes to camp and hike. It's really perfect. He's pretty much everything I could want. Most importantly he's a Christian.

He came to my graduation party two weeks ago. We chatted for a little while. He was one of the last to leave.

Last week I went out with a group to celebrate a friend's 8th anniversary in the US. I knew he would be there. We only talked for a few minutes but that's when I realized how much I really like him. I had been joking with my roommates about how I wanted to date him. Joke's on me though, 'cause I really want him.

And now he's helping me move tomorrow. Isn't it ironic?

Boxes and Packing Tape

I'm moving out on Friday. Leaving Kansas for good. I'm not really sad. Like Gillian Welch, I've been in the lowlands too long. Lawrence is a really cool little town. I have some great friends here, a church that I like, a nice house, but it's just time to go. I moved here knowing that I would only stay as long as it would take to finish my MA. Now that I'm done, it's time to go. I wish I could say I was feeling sad and nostalgic, but really, I'm just feeling relieved.

It's a really nice feeling to get rid of clothes, pictures, papers, and other stuff that I just don't want any more. I want to pack as little as possible. For as long as I can remember, I've been a pack-rat. Seriously, I keep everything. Now, I think I'm just so excited about a new start and moving on to whatever's next that I feel the freedom to throw things away. I don't want any extra baggage. God only knows where I'll be next, I don't want any hinderances. If I'm going to be moving to a third-world country, I won't need every birthday card I've ever received.

I just cleaned out my closet. I think I have 1 week's worth of clothes now. And I'm totally thrilled about that. I'm going to be in training all summer so I won't need any civilian clothes or shoes. And when I get done it'll be fall, I hope to have a job and new place and money to buy a few new things.

It's cathartic to get rid of all my old stuff. I think I'm finally ready to leave college life and venture into the 'real world.' So I'm putting some stuff in frozen food and booze boxes, wrapping some tape around them and packing up this part of my life. Time for the next chapter.

This is What Blogging is Really About

http://www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms

I really appreciate that this guy is using free internet space to confront a serious problem in our world. I know the girl that the story is about, and I have been deeply affected by it lately. I just hope and pray To Write Love on Her Arms can help many other girls overcome their problems with addiction and depression and raise awareness to help prevent the destruction of abuse.

It's Been Awhile

Only three weeks of class, a few minor papers and presentations, and one final exam stand between me and the rest of my life.

THAT'S overwhelming!

The only thing I've ever done full time is school. It's strange to imagine doing anything else.

I'm excited about the change though. Especially since now I'm in the process of becoming a Foreign Service Officer. It's a relief to at least have SOMETHING of a plan; even if it's not a sure thing. I'm really hoping it does work out. I can't help but imagine how amazing it would be. I probably shouldn't get my hopes up or have high expectations for it though. It doesn't hurt to keep praying about it. I just really have to trust God to work things out.

Just as predicted . . .

I turned my thesis in today. I finished it at 4:30 this afternoon. It was due at five. Seriously, I think that I just love the thrill of meeting a deadline. I just operate best, okay, I only operate when my adrenaline gets pumping and I'm in a time crunch. I just don't understand how people can work on the same thing for weeks or even days, just doing a little bit at a time. I admit it is somewhat fulfilling to see the incremental development of a major project - I think that's the side of me that's socialized to think that incremental progress is the responsible way to accomplish tasks. What's really fulfilling though is to accomplish a major project in a short amount of time, and still do an excellent job.

I have a sticky note on my bathroom mirror that says, "The key to success is not in trying harder but in being consistent." I got it out of a marathon training book. It seemed to apply to the rest of life pretty well though. Perseverence is one of my best qualities, but consistency is not something I do, well, consistently.

I heard a story about a man who took his son to a Navy base to tour a historic battleship. After the tour, the man toook his son aside and said, "how much do you want to bet that I can move this ship with one hand?" The boy looked at his father like he was crazy and replied, "Dad you can't move that ship! It's huge!" The father put his hand on the side of the ship and started to push. He continued to push, putting his whole body weight into his one hand. He pushed for nearly half an hour and the boy was getting impatient and just as he was getting ready to throw a fit, the ship budged. "See," the father said. "I just had to be patient and keep pushing. If I had given up, all that energy would have been wasted and I wouldn't have been able to move the ship. If you had helped me push, it would have moved in half the time."

So maybe the story is more about kinetic energy than consistency, but I think it illustrates a valuable point about being persistent and continuing to push even when it looks like nothing is being accomplished. Similarly, if the man had pushed a little, stopped, pushed a little, stopped, pushed a little, stopped, the ship would not have moved either.

For me, this story is really about struggling to accomplish difficult tasks and not giving up. Actually, I'm not even really sure about how that dumb ship story relates to my problem with procrastination, but it seems to fit somehow.

I'm just not wired to work on projects bit by bit. I like having lots of diffferent things to do in a short amount of time. That's exciting. I can't throw myself into something and truly become engaged if I'm just doing little bits and pieces over a long period of time. I like to be totally absorbed in something, focus, hammer it out or mull it over, and then complete the task all in one giant sweep. That doesn't mean that I get tunnel vision and can't think about anything else. I just like to be able to get passionate about something and channel that energy into accomplishing something.

Procrastination

I'm just one of those people that can't get things done without a deadline. Stress is a real motivator - and not in the negative way, like I have anxiety attacks or anything, but in a good way, like I can actually get work done. So you would think that with my Thesis due in less than 5 days, that would be an adequate stress trigger. But no. I'm finding plenty of other distractions. Five days is SO much time. When I get down to two days and still have four chapters left to write, then maybe I'll be able to get in gear and focus. Until then, I wonder what's new on the J. Crew website?

Foreign Service

What an incredible Spring Break! I spent the week in DC, visiting friends, seeing the sights, etc. But the central event of the trip was my Foreign Service Officer Oral Assessment. If you don't know how the selection process works for this position in the State Department, I'll try to make this quick and clear. It's a multi-step process. The first step is a written exam, given every spring. If you pass that, you get to move on to the Oral Assessment round. If you pass that, there's a security clearance/background check, a medical exam, and an optional language exam. Then, after all that, you get put on an eligible candidate list where you can wait up to 18 months for a position. If 18 months pass and you have not received an assignment, you have to reevaluate your career decision and either start the process all over again or find something else to do.

Last week, I completed and passed the Oral Assessment. Now, I'm waiting for my security clearance to go through. I don't forsee any trouble there, and the medical exam won't be a problem. My next hurdle will be passing the Spanish phone interview. I'll have to practice over the next couple months to get up to speed. That will bump me up on the eligibility list and increase my likelihood of getting an assignment. Otherwise, it's just a waiting game.

I'm really trusting God with the whole process though. I can't imagine that he would bring me this far, with so little effort on my part, for it not to work out. When I first discovered the Foreign Service last January, I had a hunch it was the right job for me. So far, it seems my intuition has been accurate. I can't take any credit for it though; all I can claim is trusting the Lord and following his direction.

More than anything, I want God to be glorified in this. I want his will to be done in my life. If it means not getting an assignment, then I just know there's something better for me. I am always amazed at how easily and smoothly things work out when I stop trying to do everything myself and just surrender all to God. He answers my prayers and gives me peace. What more could I need?

On the Hunt. . .

The hunt for a job, that is. One of the tips I learned at the Women's Campaign workshop a couple weeks ago was that a candidate should spend four hours a day fundraising. While looking for a job, I really think a serious job seeker probably spends four hours a day searching for openings, contacting people, editing her resume, writing cover letters, and following up on submitted applications. In other words, I've had time for little else.

The problem is that my MA thesis is due in less than two weeks, and I can't stop job hunting long enough to get a decent chapter written. Perhaps this is my newest procrastination technique. Really though, I have a hard time focusing on my thesis because I know I have an interview coming up or an application deadline. At the same time, I have a hard time engaging in my job search because I know I need to be writing that paper.

I think the best way for me to handle this is to just put aside the job stuff until after I submit my thesis. Easier said than done. I much too future-oriented to concentrate only on the immediate needs. I have a real gift for getting things done at the last minute, and doing them well. Perhaps it's more of a curse than a gift, but it works for me. If it ain't broke don't fix it, right? Or is it more important to develop consistency than to just get stuff done?

Of course there are other things that could benefit from a more incremental approach. Like training for a marathon. That is absolutely something I cannot do a week before the race. I have to build a foundation, develop strength and stamina, train my body to operate efficiently over that entire distance. Running a marathon is something I've wanted to do for a while, but I can never stick to a training program long enough to get to race day. This fall I ran a half-marathon, and seriously, I hadn't run more than 5 miles to prepare. And the two weeks prior, I had only run 2 miles 3-4 times. I finished the race in 2:10, not bad for a lazy sop who refuses to train. But, at the end of the 13 miles, I could not imagine running another 13 to complete a marathon.

In regards to job hunting, I just have to trust the Lord and stop worrying that I'll miss an opportunity while I'm finishing school. He has a job prepared for me already. I just have to keep on the lookout for it, AFTER I write my thesis. He understands what I'm doing. He put me here in grad school for a reason. I just need to focus in on this, deal with the task at hand, and believe that God will lead me into the destiny he has planned.

Tears for Africa

I showed The Constant Gardener the other day for my students. I've already seen the film, but I always manage to get choked up. I just can't comprehend what it must be like to live everyday in those conditions. It is such a beautiful film about such an ugly topic. One of the characters comments that aid in Africa is how the industrialized expiates their guilt. No body really cares about the thousands of people who die everyday throughout the continent. The same character exclaims that the "pharmaceutical companies are as bad as the arms dealers."

In trying to sort out what I want to do with my life, I just can't get away from these stories and images. It makes me wish I had gone to medical school - somehow that would make me useful. But then I think about the parable of the talents. The point of Jesus' teachings in that story is that it doesn't matter how much you have, but what you do with what you have that matters. I can't lament over the fact that I don't have a law degree or a medical degree. Rather, I have to trust that God is putting me in the circumstances that fulfill his purpose for my life, and that he is equipping me to do his will.

Falling into that trap of, "I can't really do anything important until ____ ( I have a job, I get married, I have my own place, I have more money, I have more free time, etc. etc. etc.)," is really just preventing me from accomplishing what I can do now. Again, it reminds me of the parable of the talents (if you want to read it for yourself, follow this link: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:14-30). The servant who buried his talent claims to have acted out of fear. The master is no less displeased when the servant tries to explain this. For me, today, the moral of this story is: Don't be afraid to use what God has given you. He has blessed me with an array of talents and skills, I just have to apply them for his glory. So, what am I going to do today to try and help alleviate these problems that are so compelling?

Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Live Without 'Em

I was supposed to go on a date tonight with this guy from work. This is like the third attempt and he just keeps finding reasons (at the last minute) why he can't make it. If he's really not interested, then why the heck does he say things like, "let me take you to dinner this week," and "it would be my pleasure to take you out"? I'm thinking it's all just a way to fill some need he has to ensure some female attention. I guess I just can't expect for him to follow through. The real kicker is that I know he's not the type of guy I want to date. So am I stringing him along by continuing to flirt and not rejecting his dinner requests?

After meeting Geir this Christmas, every other guy seems dull in comparison. Unfortunately, Geir is happily married. But it does give me hope that God has someone even better for me. It's hard for me to imagine anyone more perfect, but I'm just trusting the Lord.

Why is there such a shortage of men who know what they stand for? My dad tells me not to let guys "invite me into their confusion." If a man doesn't really know what he's all about, why does he expect me to clear it up for him? I have my own interests and goals. I just want someone to be a partner in those pursuits.

Of course, faith is the most important characteristic. I had great examples of godly leadership from a group of male friends in high school. I think their all married now. I have yet to meet a man that impresses me that much (with the exception of Geir).

I'm tired of waiting though. I want to trust God with this, but I'm getting inpatient. Pretty soon, I'll be the last woman standing without a man among my group of closest friends and sorority sisters. Maybe that shouldn't bother me, I'm not really one to fit the mold. Sometimes, when the woman is truly exceptional, it just takes a little while for a man to measure up.

Never Let Me Go

Since I started on Kazuo Ishiguro's newest novel, Never Let Me Go, I haven't been able to stop listening or get it out of my head. I bought the Audio CD, read beautifully by Rosalyn Landon. I've had to limit myself to either listening only in the car or only as I get ready for bed at night. I was almost late to class three times last week because I was so caught up in the story as I was getting up and getting ready for the day. I've enjoyed it so much that I'll put it on when I get in the car, drive to wherever I need to be then sit in the car and listen until I'm verging on lateness. Even then, once I get to the meeting, class, grocery store, whatever, I have a hard time thinking about anything else.

I don't want to reveal too much about the story. Even though I probably wouldn't have bought the book if I hadn't known what it was really about, I would have enjoyed it even more if I had been able to allow the story to unfold. Each chapter is a wonderful new layer. As each one is peeled back to disclose something new about the characters and their place in society, the pieces start to fall into place.

It's a wonderfully written, provocative, and thoroughly engaging story. I still have the last disc to finish, and I can't wait to get in my car and listen.

Things in a Day

Three things that ruin my day:
1. People treating me like I'm stupid
2. Overdraft charges
3. Dirty dishes left in the sink overnight

Three things that make my day:
1. Emails or phone calls from old friends
2. Good mail - letters, cards, packages, magazines, not bills
3. Answered prayers

Today was one of those up and down days; lots of crummy things happened, but lots of good things did too. I got in an argument with a work colleague, my bank charged me for making a miscalculation, and the kitchen was a mess when I got home tonight. But, I also got a very encouraging email from an old, dear friend that I hadn't heard from in a while, I got two books in the mail and this week's Economist, and God has really been responding positively to my requests this week. That sounds like I can manipulate God by saying the right words. But really, He is totally blessing me this week. I have been praying for guidance in finding a job, I've been praying specific things for friends, and I've been praying for provision in my financial needs. He provided a contact at a great organization today, my friends have all reported that they have received exactly what they needed, and the bank took off the overdraft charges! I'm just learning to trust him more and more. I want to trust Him even when I'm not seeing him at work so quickly. That's my prayer today, and always; that I don't trust in my own understanding, but acknowledge him in all things.

Racism

I would usually consider myself to be pretty sensitive toward racial issues. I would consider myself to be accepting and open-minded toward anyone. Not to say that I haven't made ignorant remarks in regards to people of other races and ethnicities when I was younger and more foolish. But seriously, I really do think that I treat people with kindness and respect. People are still people regardless of race or ethnicity. I truly belive that and behave accordingly.

Every once in a while though, I have an interaction that makes me realize that I do not understand racism at all. I was chatting with a student in the Center for Indigenous Nations Studies today about the grant project I am working on, my thesis, and the plight of indigenous peoples in Latin America. He was an excellent listener, and he seemed genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say. Things started to turn when I made the comment that the indigenous experience in Latin America is fascinating, very different from what happens here in the US, and is often very subtle.

I'm not sure if he already had his arms crossed or if he crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair when I said this. But he kind of bristled and said, "you think it's subtle?"

Quickly, I tried to clarify my statement and said, "well some people would call it subtle (meaning, not me). What I mean is that in want ads, it will specify 'good appearance,' meaning 'white.' They don't say 'blacks need not apply.'" I waited for his reaction.

"You're not from Kansas are you?" he asked, smiling and leaning forward toward his computer. "You don't sound like you're from Kansas."

"No, I'm from Florida. I went to Florida State in Tallahassee for my undergrad," I answered. Then the conversation took another turn.

"I'm from California," he said. "Actually I worked on some of the legislation over school mascots. We've been kind of engaged in a battle over the mascot there," he commented.

I should have been expecting that. Anytime I mention Florida State around people who are associated with Indigenous Nations or Native American scholarship and activism, this chill goes through the air. I can't change where I went to school or the fact that I loved it. But this mascot ordeal is really important to some people. "I get kind of defensive about protecting my school because while I was there, I felt like the University was really respectful of the Seminole tribe, involving them in the rituals and ceremonies, they participated in homecoming," I said.

"If that's the case, then I'm surprised by some of the comments made by the board rep and the president at some of the meetings I've attended related to that," he replied. "Some of their comments were just really racist," he added.

At that point, I got called in to the meeting I had been waiting for. I was disappointed to end this conversation, but also a bit relieved. As I left the meeting a few minutes later, I stuck my head back in the office and said "It was nice meeting you."

"You too," he answered, offering his hand. As I shook it, I searched his face for a second, wondering if I had offended him, but he was only smiling. "Good luck to you," he called as I turned to leave.

Walking back to my office across campus I replayed the conversation in my head. Had I been wrong in my comment about racism being subtle? Was my example about want ads really contradicting what I was trying to say? Then I realized that I hadn't even heard the end of his story about the FSU reps in the mascot meeting.

This is when I realized that I have no idea what racism really feels like. I can talk all day about how people are discriminated against because of ignorance and pride, but when it all boils down, I am not that different from anybody else. Feminists often claim that they have a unique perspective on the world as part of a marginalized population. Of course women haven't always been treated as equals, and it's arguable that even now, we still aren't. But really, I have never been denied a job because of who I am physically. Even though stereotypes of women in the media are perhaps comparable to the mascot thing, I don't know if anyone really pays much attention anymore. Are there any feminist groups trying to get media that objectify and demean women off the air? That's not the point though. The point is that I have never experienced oppression like indigenous people or other non-white populations. Can I truly have an objective, prejudice-free perspective on these issues until I experience racism first hand?

Yeah for Mondays!

I actually kind of like Mondays. They represent a fresh start. A new week holds so many possibilities. I can leave last week behind me and focus on all the things I can accomplish this week. I usually make a list of things to do each week - a five day plan, if you will. I haven't worked up to a five-year plan. That seems too lofty for me right now. But it's becoming more appealing as I face making big decisions about my future. Maybe I'll put that on my list of things to do this week: five year plan. I have to post my five day plan up in several places that will catch my eye throughout the week. Then I have to remind myself not to wait until Friday to start on those things. I'm trying to make my new motto: "The key to success is not in trying harder but in being consistent." I got it out of a running book. I've been toying with the idea of running a marathon for about three years now. I can never keep on a regular training schedule though. I get about three weeks in and get bored. Then I just try to do the long runs on the weekends without all the shorter training runs during the week. That doesn't work very well.

My problem, though, is that I really excell in doing things at the last minute. It's not a very good habit, but it is a good skill. I wish I was more incremental in my approach to tackling major projects. But I'm much more successful when I get within a few days of a deadline and hammer things out all at once. It's a strategy that's gotten me through grad school really well. Let's be honest though, I'm not turning in my best work. I could turn in much better papers if I took the time to read through them, correcting errors and working out the kinks in logic before submitting them. That doesn't really motivate me not to procrastinate though. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I just have to believe that my half-assed work is as good as most professors and employers expect. Maybe I'm kidding myself by thinking that most other people work over time. I think that's one of the biggest lies among grad students. Does anyobdy really READ all the assigned material before class? Does anybody really proofread their papers and get feedback from other people before turning them in? We all spend a lot of time and energy trying to convince everyone else that we're just as smart as they are, but are we fooling anyone? I mean, I know there are those few truly brilliant people who do spend a majority of their time reading and thinking and writing for class. And they are the ones who are getting their money's worth. I envy them. I chalk it off as my underdeveloped sense of self-discipline. Perhaps it's my semi-obsession with being acknowledged for my work. Either way, I don't take the time to do things as well as I could, and thus far it's done me just fine.

At the new grad student orientation three semesters ago, I was looking around the room, listening to what each of my new colleagues had accomplished, and where they were from, feeling not unlike Elle Woods at her first day at Harvard Law sitting in the grass with the students who had spent a year immunizing children against TB in third-world countries. KU is no Harvard, but some of the grad students I have come in contact with here are Ivy League. Regardless of first impressions, I've settled in here nicely. I even feel like I am cut-out for graduate work better than some. I work hard, even if it is last minute, I am a reader, I communicate ideas well, and I am a damn good TA.

Why am I so concerned about entering the work force then? School is the only thing I've ever known. I had a bang-up internship as an undergrad. I really flourished there. But what if it was just that particular work place, or those people? Will I be able to find that again?

These are all issues I guess I just have to trust God with. I know He has a plan and a purpose for me. My one true desire is just to follow his will. He created me. He knows my talents, gifts, weaknesses, and interests. Who better to shape my destiny?

Look at all the good things that happen at the beginning of a week! The possibilities are endless! I could wake up tomorrow and find my dream job. I could meet my soul mate on Wednesday. I could win an all expenses paid trip to Buenos Aires on Thursday. And Friday, I can do all the things on my to do list. Yeah for Mondays!

Eleanor Clift: Madam President

The First Woman President lecture series continues this week at the Dole Institute of Politics. So far it's been really good. I mentioned Carol Mosely Braun's talk last week. Last night Eleanor Clift, a panelist on the McLaughlin Group, contributing editor of Newsweek, and co-author of Madam President: Shattering the Last Glass Ceiling, spoke about the potential for women to be elected into the presidency and why it hasn't happened yet. The key issue for her is the small pool of potential candidates. It's not that people don't vote for women, rather, there just aren't enough women willing to run. "The American people are more willing to elect a woman president than there are women willing to run," Clift stated. Much to the chagrin of many baby-boomer feminists, their daughters are choosing to stay home with a family at a higher rate than even a generation ago. Perhaps we're already seeing women take for granted all the work our mothers and grandmothers did to earn us space in the political arena. For my mother, just the fact that I could have easily played team sports in high school but chose not to, was irksome. She had longed to play basketball and softball in school, but wasn't allowed to. She's told me the story several times about wanting to be a school crossing guard in Jr. High, but only boys could do that job. Am I taking all her work for granted?

I like to think that I'm blazing my own trail. Political Science is still a male-dominated field. In my entering cohort I was one of four women, and the only one not intending to complete a Ph.D. and teach. I worked at a Top 100 PR firm in Tallahassee. My boss was excellent about finding talent and developing his employees, and relied on women. I have a feeling that that kind of environment may be rare.

But what will it take for someone like me to enter that pool of potential candidates? Just the fact that Clift mentioned that there aren't enough women willing to sacrifice a family life for their career makes me wonder if that's part of my purpose. I'm not married, not dating anyone, never really have had a steady relationship to speak of, and my personal goals are not necessarily conducive to 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Not that I don't want those things or think that women who do want those things are bad or don't have personal goals and ambitions. Maybe it's just where I am in my life that those things are not on my radar. I really need a man who has a flexible career and really wants to be a stay-at-home-dad. But even that has its problems. There's something about the male ego that just doesn't fit that model. And it never looks good in the political arena for a woman to "wear the pants," ie. Hillary Clinton. Female candidates have a whole new set of rules. They have to be feminine and caring bt tough and agressive; understanding and warm but decisive and commanding; intelligent and humorous, but not calculating or airy. It's an impossible dichotomy. Clift cited that a female president would have to be a perfect balance of Mother Theresa and Jack the Ripper. What an outrageous combination!

I was discussing this with some female colleagues this morning, and we were laughing about the obstacles facing women in office and the potential for female candidates. We decided the best course of action would be to join the military, volunteer for active duty in the Middle East, come back as a "war hero" and run for a state level position and just begin working up the ranks to governor. Then after a couple terms in a large swing state, make a bid for the nomination. I wonder how important party politicking will be for the first woman president. It's all speculation now until there actually is a woman elected.

Carol Moseley Braun, Electoral Systems, and Politics in America

Last night I attended a lecture by former US Ambassador, Senator, and 2004 Presidential Nominee Candidate, Carol Moseley Braun. Her lecture is part of a month-long series "The First Woman President." What a way to kick off the series! She is such a dynamic and accomplished woman! I didn't pay much attention to her in the primaries, but I was quite impressed with her last night. While I can't say that I agree with all of her ideas and policy plans, I was inspired by her determination, courage, and sense of humor. I hope to follow in her footsteps and give my own lecture about what it means to be a woman in high political office.

One of the main difficulties she discussed in running a presidential campaign as a woman was her inability to raise enough money. She cited an interesting statistic that while over 80% of Americans said they would support a female presidential candidate, only 60% said they thought their friends and neighbors would support a female candidate. This perception gap is possibly more detrimental than it seems at first glance. Nobody wants to vote for the candidate that they think is going to lose. If one thinks that no one they know will support a woman for President, why should they vote for her? Perhaps this is part of the fundraising difficulty. In our society, I have a difficult time believing that most Americans think that a woman would be less capable of being an effective leader simply because of her sex. If a woman is educated, experienced, effective, and has demonstrated loyalty to her country and to the people of the US, then why shouldn't she be elected over a man who may have similar qualifications? Are there still people out there who are so narrow minded to think that women are just not supposed to play that role? I know there are. I also that there are people who are overtly racist. That's why we haven't ever elected a Black, Latin, or Asian President. It wasn't until 1969 that a Black woman was in the Senate.

One of the questions posed to Moseley Braun after her talk was about abolishing the Electoral College. Her response was that if the American public can persuade their leaders to change that institution, then it will happen. While the political will of the average citizen can go a long way, I don't know if changing the Constitution to dissolve one of the oldest institutions in our government is possible. There will have to be some major disjuncture in our electoral system that is reiterated in several Presidential elections before it becomes apparent that the Electoral College is antiquated and irrelevant.

This week in my classes, we're talking about electoral systems. We discuss the pros and cons of the single member district/plurality system we use in the States, and the Proportional Representation systems used in many other countries. I always ask my students to state which one they think is better. Usually, I get several different responses . Then they want to know what I think. After all this discussion, I really have to say that I prefer the PR system. I'm even more convinced after Moseley Braun's talk. She cited another stat that at the rate that women are being elected into office, it will be 2080 before we reach gender parity in government. It's pretty clear that PR systems promote gender equality and minority representation. Changing the electoral system here would be more difficult than abolishing the Electoral College. The Electoral College doesn't have any effect on how I go and cast my vote for the President or my Representatives, but switching from plurality to PR, that's a huge change. It's possible, but highly improbable, I think. Campaign finance reform is really the first step in transforming our electoral system.

In the UK there are regulations on the amount of money spent and on the type of media that can be used in political campaigns. No TV commercials or radio adverstisements, only printed media (billboards, flyers, newspaper advertisements, etc.) are permitted. In New Zealand, candidates are only allowed to spend $25,000 on a presidential campaign. This creates a more even playing field and allows for more candidates to participate. Imagine that! Anyone with $25,000 and a few good ideas can get elected. It would really prevent this stupid problem of choosing between two similar candidates with similar educational backgrounds and experience. It would be amazing to have average women and men running for elected office based on their own convictions and plans. Parties would still play a role. A US President without support of the legislature would be totally ineffective. Parties help people identify their political ideology and provide a forum for developing a cohesive plan for governance. Real campaign finance reform is about opportunities, and expanding democracy, not party dominance and corruption. So instead of placing limits on how much money can be raised from certain types of organizations, place limits on how the money can be used. Elections shouldn't be won an lost based on fundraising; they should be won and lost based on who is the most qualified candidate that represents and serves the will of the people.

Just Another Day . . . With Germans

This week has gone so slowly! I'm glad Wednesday is almost over. Thursday and Friday fly by. I have to be really intentional about working on my thesis this weekend though. I planned on using my free Fridays to research and write. I haven't been very good about that yet, but really, last Friday was the first one of the semester, so I can't feel too guilty. I just found out today that the deadline is mid-March, not mid-May. I really have to crank it up a notch and get on the ball with this. I think most people spend more than six weeks writing their Theses. I do have some work done, just not as much as I should. I meant to work on it over Winter Break, but could never get motivated. Excuses won't get me a degree though.

Today was just another day. I had class at 8am this morning. I only have 10 students enrolled for this section, so it's fun, and not too difficult to get them involved. I don't really know if they enjoy my classes as much as I do, but my evaluations have never been bad. I think teaching really appeals to my extroverted side. I just love being up in front of people, leading a discussion, telling stories, or just listening to their opinions and stories. I always leave class feeling energized, even at 8am.

By the time I got to my own class this afternoon, I was ready to crash. I enrolled in this class at the suggestion of my advisor. She said it would help me clarify some of the theories that I'm trying to refute in my own research. So far, I've been kind of bored. Today, we were talking about how people develop political attitudes and how those attitudes change over time. One of the books we're using is Russel Dalton's 2005 edition of Citizen Politics. He uses survey data to help determine people's political values in post-industrial countries; specifically the US, France, the UK, and Germany. I was surprised at the responses of Germans on many of the questions. For example, one of the survey items was a statement and respondents were supposed to agree or disagree with it. It said, "women need children in order to feel fulfilled." Only 46% of Germans disagreed with this statement (39% of French disagreed). Another question was about the importance of the government providing jobs for the unemployed. This wasn't really a priority for Germans, and my professor revealed why. Apparently, there's a law against firing employees. Once someone is hired, they can't be fired. They can quit, but the company cannot lay them off. The outcome, in one situation, was that a man was hired by a labor contracting company and immediately requested his six weeks of paid vacation. This is another benefit to German employees. The day he was supposed to start work after his 6 week paid vacation, the man called in sick. He said he was depressed and took another 6 weeks of paid sick leave (no limit on the number of sick days). After paying the man for three months and never getting a single day of work from him, the company tried to fire him. The man took them to court, which ruled that the company had to keep him on the payroll AND pay damages for attempting to fire him! I couldn't believe that. What an outrageous system!

A second example my professor gave was about an employee who embezelled $40,000 from the company. He was arrested, convicted, and spent a year in prison. Upon his release, he returned to the company wanting his job back. The company refused and he took them to court. Can you guess what they ruled? Amazing! The man got his job back! I just don't get it.

Maybe I shouldn't think it's as funny as all that, but I just couldn't believe my ears. Was it possible that a major world power treated its businesses so poorly and its workers so irresponsibly. There can't be any incentive to do a really good job. Maybe good employees get raises, but if you can't get rid of the losers, then what good is that? One of my colleagues suggested that every few years companies should just close down and then open up again with new employees. It's not that easy though. The professor then informed us that if a company closes or goes bankrupt, etc. and opens up in the same field of business as before, it must re-hire all its old employees!

This is the problem with social democracies. Of course there are some great advantages, national health care, free education, great maternity benefits. But the taxes are high and it must really suck to be a business owner. I can see how countries that are trying to get on their feet and establish a stable government and economy may need more government intervention to keep their people from getting trampled by globalization. But really, what business does a well established government have muddling in people's everyday lives like that? It's just a different way of running things, but I just can't see it working well for long. If that's what the people want from their state, then more power to them. I just really hope it's not a trend that picks up here in the US anytime soon. All I want from my government is protection from the fear of getting blown up on a daily basis. Now I realize, that it's not doing a hotdog job of that now, but I don't expect much. I also think some social issues are important for the government to address, like homelessness, the declining quality of education, clean air and water, and maintaining National Parks. Also, maintaining highways and interstate transportation is good. But really, the most important thing my government can do domestically, is make sure everyone has the freedom to say as they please, pursue their dream job, live in a neighborhood they like, and marry who they want. Really, is that so hard? A lot of that is not even up to the government. Racism is still prevalent, and the government can't do anything about changing people's minds and attitudes about who they like and don't like for whatever reason. I think that's a personal issue that starts at home. That's one thing we talked about in regards to political attitudes, is that they're passed down intergenerationally (and they're directly correlated with affluence). Duh! Sometimes political scientists (or social scientists in general) spend a lot of time stating the obvious. Attitudes are learned through socialization. And that is definately not up to the government.

I'll get off my soapbox now. I have to get back to work, because, here, I CAN get fired for being a crummy employee. Even though, 12 weeks of paid vacation and sick leave wouldn't be so bad.

Finding Passion for What I Do

It's a common idea that you're supposed to do what you're passionate about. I also think it's pretty common to be passionate about lots of things that could never fit into one job description. If I could make up my own job, I would travel around the world talking to people about important social issues and determining the best solutions while white water rafting, and climbing mountains, and then write books about it. Of course, I would be leading these expeditions into the wilderness, and I wouldn't have to pay for any of it, but I would like a salary, and health benefits. I've been looking for an opening doing this, but I just haven't had any luck. Can you believe, no offers for a "gum-shoe political theorist to lead outdoor excursions with major world leaders?"

I have resolved thus (though the job search continues), to be find something that I really enjoy about my current situation, and any situation I find myself in. For example, right now, I am graduate student. I've been in school for what feels like forever. Though I shouldn't really complain because their are Doctoral candidates in my department who have been around since I was in middle school, and I'm only a Masters student. But I've been in school for a long time. I've developed "senioritis" of sorts, because I'm graduating this May, but I'm not a Senior, and I'm just so ready to be done with papers and text books and exams working late into the night, and throughout the weekend. I want an 8-5 where I get up, meet a foreign dignatary, head into the hills, hike until dusk, and have serious, interesting conversations, then meet a car, go home, and get up the next morning, fly to another country and do it again. Even if that's just a pipe dream, I really would like to have an 8-5 working in a high-energy environment on something that I think is important.

I saw a funny little cartoon on a friend's refridgerator that depicts a middle-age man interviewing for a job. The caption says something along the lines of "I want a position where I can slowly lose sight of what I originally set out to do, with benefits." Cute. I hope I never get there. I want to always have a future goal and a vision for where I'm heading, and a good memory for where I've been and what I wanted to accomplish.

That doesn't have to start when I enter the "real world" though. I think I can start developing that mindset now. It's just difficult without a clear view on how the career world really works. It's not that I've never had a job. I've worked since I was 17. I've just never had a "real" job, a career, with a salary. But maybe I'm thinking about it all wrong. I don't have to be in a career to start doing what I want to do. So what if I can't mix and mingle with political pundits. I can be learning and preparing myself now for when I do. I can be forming my ideas and opinions, and learning the basis for why I think the way I do. Am I just realizing the point of a college education? Maybe I haven't been in school long enough!

Anyway, the point is that I am discovering those things that I love about what am doing right now. I really love being a teaching assistant. I have my classes where I can talk about practically anything I want for 50 minutes, four days a week. I enjoy the students, getting to know them, hearing their opinions, discussing issues, and explaining ideas. I enjoy the other grad students. I know of few other work environments where I am surrounded by people who are so interested in learning, and about learning something that I too am interested in. While we may have our disagreements, we respect each other's opinions, because we respect each other and our research. I love that I am surrounded by people who are still very much idealists, and yet, are grounded in what they understand and expect from the world and from other people. I love going to a class where the topic is so interesting and we have all read the same material and can offer insights into its meaining and application. So, this Spring, I am determined to forget the fact that I am ready for change, and just be passionate about this opportunity I have to learn and to teach.

Rattle & Hum

If you don't love U2 as much as I do (and I LOVE U2), watch Rattle & Hum. It follows them through the U.S. on their Joshua Tree Tour in 1988. Though the long hair, stirrup pants (with suspenders), Debbie Gibson hats, and patterned vests with fringe might make you doubt their greatness for just a second, you'll be gripped by the power and soul of their music. My favorite part is when they visit a church in Harlem. There was a gospel church that had covered their song, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," and the band decided to record with the choir. When the choir joins in on the first chorus, I got chills all over. It was the most beautiful music I have ever heard (forgive me Mozart, Bach, Vivaldi, and Chopin!). I think that's what Heaven will sound like. I'm convinced that when I see Jesus for the first time, and I run into His arms, Bono, Edge, Adam, and Larry will be playing "Where the Streets Have No Name."

What I really love about U2 is their earnest effort to confront important issues of our time. They have been talking about some of these issues longer than most of our major American political leaders. In 1988, Bono was discussing the problem of terrorism . Their song, "Mothers of the Disappeared," brought the struggle of Argentine mothers against their repressive government to the international public eye. Now, their social activism continues. Bono has become somewhat of a disciple of Jeffery Sachs in the last five years and wrote the forward to arguably the most important book written in this century thus far, The End of Poverty. In Rattle and Hum, Adam makes the comment, "some people don't think you should mix politics and music, or religion and music, but I think that's bull shit." Ever since the first note was sung at the earth's creation, music has been purposed to relate a message. While the message of most music made today is "make money," "buy more stuff," "have sex," "look at me," etc., U2 stands out as a band that really has something important and meaningful to say. I don't believe even for a second that it's all about creating an image of a humanitarian to sell more CDs either. Just watch the DVD and you'll see what I mean.

I think the real problem with the Church today, and even with Christians in general is their lack of concern for or motivation to confront the real problems people face on a daily basis. Jesus commanded us to care for the oppressed, the poor, the widows and the orphans. I know of only a few groups that are really doing that. I've posted links to the websites of those organizations that I think are making a concerted effort to obey that command. I hope you'll check them out. Of course, the One Campaign link is also included.

www.one.org - Some people may criticize this plan for being unrealistic or simply throwing American tax money at the problems, but understanding the structural conditions of global poverty and realizing that we live in a globalized world helps put this initiative in context.
www.sojo.net - publishers of Sojourner's magazine, a publication that discusses "politics, religion, and culture."
www.ijm.org - one of the most important legal organizations in the world, in my opinion. They use the legal systems in countries around the world to free people from forced prostitution, slavery, and police corruption.
www.compassion.com - I get tired of seeing commercials that guilt you into sponsoring a child in poverty, but this non-profit is the real deal.
www.bread.org - Bread for the World "seeking justice. ending hunger."

If you know of other Christian organizations that are pursuing solutions to these problems, I'd love to hear about them.

Don't Waste Your Life

I'm reading John Piper's book, Don't Waste Your Life between classes today. So far, I'm only on Chapter 2, and starting to really enjoy it. Here are some of my favorite passages from this section.

"Enjoying God supremely is one way to glorify Him. Enjoying God makes Him look supremely valuable" (p 28).

"Delighting God is not a mere preference or option in life, it is our joyful duty and should be the single passion of our lives" (30).

"God created me to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all spheres of life. . . If we try to display the excellence of God without joy in it, we will display a shell of hypocrisy and create scorn or legalism. But if we claim to enjoy his excellence and do not display it for others to see and admire we deceive ourselves, because the mark of God - enthralled joy is to overflow and expand by extending itself into the hearts of others" (31).

"We waste our lives when we do not pray and think and dream and plan and work toward magnifying God in all spheres of life" (32).

I think I have often separated happiness from God's will. It's like they're mutually exclusive in some way. I often act and plan as if there are two possibilities, I can be happy, or I can follow God. From what Piper is saying here is that they are really one in the same. How could I be truly happy though going against God's will? He created me. In Psalm 139, David writes "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb . . . All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God knows, better than I, what will make me happy. He knows what my future holds and how to best get me to where I need to be. He created my interests and talents, my neural pathways that make up my thoughts. He put me in a specific family in a specific point in time and knows every aspect of my development and growth. Not only that, but he deeply cares for me and wants to have a relationship with me. And He wants me to know him and enjoy him. Isaiah calls him King of Kings, Lord of Lords. Jesus says that he came to bring life, and bring it abundantly. Jesus uses the illustration that just as a father wouldn't give his child a stone if the child asked for bread or a snake if the child asked for a fish. How much more will your heavenly father give to you if you ask? God, who possesses all power and all created things in heaven and earth, who is a God of love and mercy, wants to lavish himself on us. What an amazing idea! What else could make happy? Who/what else could possibly be worth magnifying more than God?

First Classes

Classes started again yesterday. I think they take everyone off guard. I even overheard a few professors joking that they never expect classes to start even though it's been on the calendar for months. I guess after a month of laying around in front of the TV, eating turkey and sweet potatoes really wears on you.

I love the first week of class. I love meeting new people, getting new syllabi, buying new books. In fact, I love buying new books so much that when I had a book scholarship at FSU, I would wander around the book store and just pick up books from random classes that looked interesting and buy those too. One of roomates was complaining one night about how the bookstore was out a particular text she needed for class the next day. It was fresh on my shelf amongst my own purchases from a few days before. So, if the bookstore doesn't have what you need, it's probably on my shelf. Now that I no longer have a book scholarship though, I kind of dread that process. Grad students do not get off any cheaper in the book department than eveyone else. In fact, in addition to all the books, now I have to buy course packs that weigh more than I do and cost a month's salary.

Last semester I decided to go paperless. I look like a big nerd in class with my laptop. I'm THAT GIRL who carries her computer around and takes notes. At first I had to get over the temptation to play solitaire the whole time. But, seriously, it's so much cheaper to just access all the articles through J-stor. And if I type my notes I can easily organize them in neat little folders in "My Documents" according to class, date, and topic. Handwritten notes, rather, usually end up in miscellaneous piles spread out on the floor in my room, the dining room table, the coffee table in the living room, the desk in my office, the shelf in my office from last year, and sometimes, even in file boxes in the basement. Not that I'm disorganized, I just remember where things are by where I saw them last. If I move into some color-coded, chronological filing system, it just wouldn't work as well. Besides, who wants to spend the time doing that? Not me!

The other thing I love about the first week of classes is when professors ask students to introduce themselves to the class. That's really the only time I get a little sneak peek into who my class-mates are before they have to enter into "A" earning mode. Sure, professors say they encourage new opinions and view points, but really, doesn't everyone just try to say the "right" thing. There's nothing right or wrong about your name, year in school, major, and where you're from. I really like it when they ask students to share something interesting about themselves like, favorite movie, or favorite ice cream flavor, or pizza topping. I wonder what would happen if professors starting asking more difficult questions like, "in your opinion, what impact is Condileeza Rice have on US relations with China?" or "what is the single most important thing for you to accomplish this semester?" Last semester, I asked students what they wanted to get out of the class. They didn't have a clue. Maybe hard questions are better left until students' brains are warmed up.

Myths, Allegories, Fairy Tales, and Truth

I love stories. I love to read stories, watch stories, but most of all, I love to hear stories. Growing up, my favorite times were when my Mom or Dad would let me snuggle up onto their bed and read The Chronicles of Narnia, The Best Christmas Pagent Ever, Little House on the Prarie, Evangeline, or Pilgrim's Progress. Family vacations were another time when Dad would pull out a book like Hank the Cowdog to read around the campfire. Those are classic memories for me.

My love for stories is not limited to nostalgia, though. Stories have transformative power that provide insight into some of life's most difficult obstacles. While I've never entered another world through a wardrobe, or survived long winters in a log cabin without running water or electricity, these experiences as detailed in stories, can be strikingly parallel to my own journey.

I just finished reading Waking the Dead. I love how John Eldridge uses the Truths found in classic fairy tales to illustrate three main points: "Things are not what they seem," "this is a world at war," and "you have a crucial role to play." How badly I want to believe those things! There has to be more going on here than meets the eye. I often feel like days are a constant battle. The idea that I am just another girl with hopes and dreams but no predestined plan or purpose is just depressing. I am convinced of these truths, and I have experienced them through stories. Not to say that I think fairy tales are based on true events or that mythologies about Greek gods and goddesses are non-fiction. To some degreee, however, I think that the reason people write these stories and the reason that we (the audience) are so captivated by them is because we know, deep down, that there are elements of hidden Truth in all of them.

That third point, that I "have a crucial role to play" in this world, is the most appealing to me and the most frightening in some ways. Nelson Mandela, as quoted in Waking the Dead, stated that our greatest fear is not that we are worthless, but that we are powerful beyond our wildest dreams. The idea that I have a crucial and unique purpose brings with it a deep sense of responsibility. What if I miss my chance? What if I miss my opportunity to do my job? What if I take on my task and fail? Even worse, what if I perform my duties well, and have to take on more responsibilities than I ever wanted? Maybe that's selfish. I guess, in a way, this whole discussion is. The point of John Eldridge's book is not to encourage people to dream big dreams of power, fame and wealth, but to convince people that finding life's purpose and seeking truth begins with engaging your heart with the Lord. Christians so often believe that the heart is evil, fickle, irrational, and deceitful. But the Bible says to "guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." When Christ died for me to save me from my sins a give me eternal life, he gave me a new heart and a new life. My actions reflect what I believe with my heart, so I should protect it, fight for it, take care of it. How do I do that? I've often heard that verse, but I'm not really sure how to follow those instructions. My Mom told me to guard my heart in regards to a dangerous boyfriend, warning me not to fall in love with him. There's more to it than that, I think. I don't think that guarding my heart means hiding it behind a wall or burying it, refusing to love or care - that's not living at all. So what is this all about?