US West National Parks Road Trip Plans

Dream summer vacation of 2011:

Day 1: Leave Denver, drive to Jackson Hole, WY (approximately 530 miles/9 hours). Stop in Laramie for Lunch. Dinner at Snake River Brewery. Stay overnight at Jackson Hole area hotel. Eat breakfast at The Bunnery.

Day 2: Drive/Hike Grand Tetons National Park - Jenny Lake Area Hiking. Camp overnight.

Day 3: Hike Grand Tetons National Park. Camp overnight.

Day 4: Leave Grand Tetons for Yellowstone National Park (approximately 100 miles/2 hours). Drive/Hike Yellowstone National Park. Camp overnight.

Day 5: Hiking in Yellowstone. Camp overnight. Possible backcountry hiking/camping.

Day 6: Hiking in Yellowstone. Camp overnight or stay at Mammoth Hot Springs Hotel.

Day 7: Hiking in Yellowstone/Leave for Bozeman, MT (approximately 290 miles/5 hours). Camp overnight in Bozeman area campground.

Day 8: Leave Bozeman for Kalispell, MT (approximately 300 miles/5.5 hours). Lunch in Helena (Blackfoot River Brewing). Stay overnight at Kalispell area campground.

Day 9: Leave Kalispell for Glacier National Park (approximately 60 miles/1.5 hours). Drive/Hike Glacier National Park. Going-to-the-Sun Road. Camp overnight in the park.

Day 10: Drive/Hike Glacier National Park. Camp overnight in the park.

Day 11: Hike Glacier National Park. Waterton Lakes National Park of Canada. Camp overnight in the park.

Day 12: Leave Glacier National Park for Bob Marshall Wilderness Complex (approximately 150 miles/3.5 hours) - Hike in Holland Lake area. Camp overnight at Cave Mountain Campground.

Day 13: Leave the Bob for Billings, MT (approximately 400 miles/6 hours). Stay overnight in Billings area hotel.

Day 14: Leave Billings for Little Big Horn Battlefield National Monument (approximately 63 miles/1 hour). Leave for Devil's Tower National Monument (approximately 200 miles/3 hours). Leave for Denver (approximately 400 miles/7 hours). Home!

I'm currently research local breweries along the route - apparently Montana has quite a few. If there's a promise for lots of beer, Jim will be more excited about driving 2,300+ miles in two weeks. We got a National Parks Annual Pass as a wedding gift; we're sure to get some good use out of it on this trip! I'll probably update this itinerary with more details as I continue to research the Parks and cities along the way.

Now we just need to find the two-weeks of vacation time to do this, and a couple really good audio books.

New Adventures and Old Hang-ups

Today is probably not the best day to re-introduce myself to the blogosphere after several months of silence; but it's about time to provide an update.

I've recently started a new part-time contracting job working on Health Care Reform for the State of Colorado. I'm totally excited about it, and a little intimidated. After two weeks since our first meeting, I'm feeling in-over-my-head and nothing less than completely lost on some of the current policy on the issue. I don't doubt that I'm not alone in my confusion, but as I'm the person responsible for making complete sense of a 2000 + page piece of legislation, I'm not in a good position. We have our next meeting tomorrow, and I'm expected to provide a chart outlining the differences between new Federal law and existing Colorado law on several specific issues that will take effect on September 23. It's reminiscent of being back in grad school and being completely unprepared for the professor who takes no prisoners. Only this time, it's my salary, my reputation, and my potential future as a free-lance policy analyst at stake. I've been hydrating all day to prepare for the high volume of Rockstar Juiced that will be promptly consumed this evening to assist in the cramming that must occur.

To add to the threat of impending humiliation, my new computer, bought just one (1) week ago, is seemingly infected with about 11 million viruses. Coincidentally, the only operation the computer can successfully complete is to open the HP Website that allows me to purchase and download Virus Protection Software. It struck me as odd that while the desktop was incessantly producing Error Messages warning that a critical virus designed to read every key stroke and steal all passwords was wrecking havoc on my hard drive, the website still provided the option of typing in a credit card number. I've serendipitously been reminded at this moment of the scene from Office Space where the disgruntled employees take a baseball bat to the copy machine. Perhaps a reenactment is in order. I've also been tempted to attempt to determine the the explosive capacity of this particular technology, ala Dave Letterman. The roof-top patio of my apartment building seems a perfect stage for such an experiment.

There are really good things happening right now too though. I'm getting married in 60 days. That's exciting; the getting married part - not so much the wedding part. However, I do have a fabulous dress and, as confirmed just last Thursday, it does, indeed, fit. Jim and I also just started are pre-marriage counseling. It's not the traditional counseling, but, instead, we are participating in "Prayer Therapy." I think we're both really excited about seeing what God does in our lives and our relationship in the next two months. It's already challenging, but I am confident it will significantly prepare us for the new life we'll share together.

So, that's my world today. Hope yours is wonderful.

Out of the Shadows

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. I'm overwhelmed and generally frustrated with my current circumstances. This is not a new struggle for me. I go through these spells of feeling hopeless about my future.I begin to believe that I should just resign myself to not even trying to accomplish anything. In the past, my strategy for getting myself out of these slumps has been to find an activity or goal I'm excited to do, then start taking steps to accomplish it. This Spring I committed myself to running four exciting races. My training has all but fallen apart, and I can't muster the energy to even care. Perhaps I over-committed and now I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I've recently begun to experience this new affront to my character at work and in my personal activities that has been discouraging as well. My immediate reaction is to get out, get away from these messages that inflict self-doubt. I know I'm a hard worker. I know I have integrity. I know I'm honest and that I genuinely care for people. So how am I being confused as someone who lacks all of these qualities? In the past two months I've been accused of dishonesty, gossip, slander, laziness, irresponsibility, disrespect, and hypocrisy. It's baffling to me, and incredibly frustrating. There are a few steady voices in my life, for whom I am thankful, but when the majority seems to perceive me in such a negative light, it's hard to continue ignoring them. By backing out or stepping away, and I being a coward and failing to defend my character? Is it even worth the energy to try and change their perception of me? My self-confidence is waning.

The biggest disappointment this week has been that Jim and I are postponing our plans to move overseas. He needs to stay where he is for a while longer to complete the school accreditation process. Which means I either 1) begin searching for a new job, or 2) suck it up and stick it out until he's ready to move. Right now the prospect continuing to do what I'm doing now indefinitely is depressing. The idea of beginning a job search in the current economy is also depressing, especially since I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't want to keep working as a paralegal (being an office peon is not my idea of a good career), and I'm not trained to do much else. I'm a trained thinker; and that doesn't bring in much of a salary without further education.

I always come back to academia. Perhaps it's something I need to actually pursue instead of just mulling it over. After the wedding my living expenses may decrease enough to only work part time. That would open up my schedule for classes. This might be the ray of light I've been needing to get out of this shadow of self-doubt.

Light at the end of the tunnel

As we're planning our wedding, Jim and I have begun to talk more seriously about what we want to do with our life together; where we want to go/live/work, and what we hope to accomplish. The one constant desire (as we're both "ideas" people) is to move overseas. Other than family, friends, and the abundance of biking/hiking trails, there isn't much keeping us in Denver. While those are all very important, the forty plus hours we spend every week being frustrated and beat-down out weigh the short weekends we have to enjoy them. And while neither of us are very interested in having lots of money, there is something to be said for having enough to put a down-payment on a house and pay the bills on time. Neither of us are in the position where there's potential for  upward mobility. 

When I joined the Army almost 6 years ago I saw it as an opportunity to change my circumstances. The possibility of spending time overseas was high at the time and it sated my desire for adventure. I've learned a lot from my experience in the military. In February my original 6-year contract will end and I have to decide whether it will continue to provide opportunities, or inhibit my plans with Jim. As a single woman, it opened up doors of potential. Once Jim and I are married, it makes moving to another country more difficult as I would have an obligation to continue serving two days every month and two weeks every year.

If Jim can land a teaching job overseas, then obviously, I'll go with him. Since there's not much left for us to do here, it might be time to move on to the next chapter. 

I won't be sad to leave my job, but I will miss Denver and all the great friends I've made here. I don't doubt for a second that we'll move back. I'm excited about this new adventure. I've always longed to see more of the world, and I finally have someone to enjoy it with.

Cowards

I work for a group of dishonorable, cowardly men. I know that's the stereotype for most attorneys, and I have to confirm that I have met very few that don't surpass the expectation for corruption that is commonly held. I took the job when I was considering going to law school to become an attorney. I know now that it is a profession fraught with despicable men.

To you attorneys out there who are actually working to improve the state of justice in America and around the world. I applaud you and hope that your practices flourish. For the rest who have hijacked the legal system, holding us all hostage, and contort laws and semantics for personal gain, I hope you reach the end of your life, eating off your silver spoons and realize that your work was wasted. I pity you for investing your short lives in something so ultimately meaningless and destructive. You're no better than a common thief.

The Ultimate Summer Vacation

Day 1: Leave at 5PM and drive to Buena Vista (1.5 hour drive) – arrive by 6:30/7:00 PM

          Camp

Day 2: Climb Mount Antero (~ 5 hours)

           Swim/Fish in Arkansas River

           Leave for Durango (4 hour drive)

           Camp

Day 3: Catch narrow gauge train from Durango at 9:00 AM

           Arrive at Needletop Station at 11:30 AM

           Hike to Chicago Basin (6.5 miles/3 hrs)

           Camp

Day 4:  Climb Sunlight and Windom Peaks (~6 hrs)

           Camp

Day 5: Climb Mount Eolus (~4 hours)

           Hike to Needletop Station to catch train at 3:00 PM (leave before noon)

           Arrive in Durango by 5:00 PM

           Stay in hotel

Day 6: Leave for Mesa Verde (1.5 hour drive)

           Camp

Day 7: Leave for Royal Gorge (6 hour drive) – Park closes at 7:00 PM

           Leave for Home (2.5 hour drive)

Jim gets one week off between terms, and we've never taken full advantage of this break. The summer is too short and Colorado is too big not too spend one week exploring.

Helpless

There is nothing more frustrating than being in the middle of a disaster and being completely helpless to stop it. It would be an understatement to say that I am upset about the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. It makes me physically ill. I have nightmares about it. Maybe I shouldn't let it affect me personally to such an extent, but being affected is appropriate and human. Remaining ignorant and silent on matters such as these is cowardly, to say the least.

We have become way too comfortable in our isolation. We have become weak in our boundless pursuit of individualism. In our shameless pursuit of personal comfort and "happiness" we have become hardened to anything that does not have a direct effect on our personal lives. We may feel a twinge of guilt or pity when we remotely observe disaster, but rarely do we take action to incite change.

America was once known as a revolutionary nation. A nation of pioneers, bound by our common struggle for a place in the world. We have become complacent in our global leadership; cautious, cowardly. We are afraid of making any move that would cause an offense or step on a toe. Hurt feelings will fade, bruised toes will heal. We will never be able to amend for our omission of just and proper action.

We have a responsibility to each other, and to the planet on which we live. In our selfishness we have neglected that responsibility.

In many ways, today, I hope the world ends on December 12, 2012. That may be the only end to the misery we are creating for ourselves.

Taking Action

Last night at family dinner (celebrating Allison's graduation from CU), her boyfriend made the comment that he's tired of "hoping" for things to happen, and wants to start taking action to make things happen. 

I've been struck with this notion lately too. 

Today, I'm taking action. 

The AIR Foundation has been operating without tax exempt status for 3 years. It's time for that to change. A non-profit is absolutely limited in what it can accomplish without 501(c)(3) status. I arranged a meeting with a volunteer who has her MA in Non-Profit Management to help me get this knocked out. I printed out the instructions, completed much of the application, supplemented by writings/narratives completed last summer when we started this process, and began scouring the Colorado Non-Profit Association website for tips and advice.

I've been more than frustrated with my job lately. In the midst of my research, I began casually browsing the job board. About three quarters of the way down the page, I randomly clicked on a entry and read the description. It might as well have my name on it!

Please pray (and hope) for me as I take action to get this job!

The Precipice

"There are dreamers and there are achievers, the difference between the two is action."

I'm struggling lately to remember that I can't control other people's behavior. I have to take action on things I can control myself and not grow frustrated when other people's irresponsibility affects my life. I want to achieve things with my life, not just dream about them. It's tough being at the bottom of the totem pole and those in a higher position aren't taking the necessary action to make progress - then I get stuck.

In pretty much everything I'm doing right now, someone else is making choices that are poor, childish, egotistical and counter-productive, but I can't stop them, and I can't make them act any differently. Even if I thought my opinion mattered, how do I even approach this type of conversation with them? Is it more prudent just to keep my head down, stay out of the way, and hope the demolition ends before everything is in trash heaps? Is it wise for me to stay quiet when I know someone is doing irreparable damage by continuing to conduct business according to their status quo? What's my level of responsibility?

At the beginning of the year, I was so hopeful that 2010 would bring dramatic changes for me. I've been working to that end, but keep hitting road blocks created by other people who claim to be working toward the same end.  I keep trying to remind myself that regardless of in inability to act, God is still sovereign. I may not have control over certain things, but I have to trust that he does, and he is working all things out for his glory and my better good. I never quite see the big picture, but this time I'm trying to step away from the edge, and just keep doing what I can to make progress in the direction I think I'm supposed to go.

On the Mend

This last month I've been joyously and overwhelmingly busy. For a few weeks I was running two or three times a day, four or five days a week. I was in meetings before work, after work, during lunch, and on the weekends. I send out thousands of e-mails every week, reply to at least six dozen requests for information every week, field several phone calls a day, and make at least half-a-dozen calls myself, none of it for my actual bill-paying job.

When I fell last week and busted my knees I had a hard time swallowing the fact that I'll probably be off my legs for two weeks, and certainly not running for maybe three - then I'll have to take it easy after that. Not only does that put my personal training way behind, but my coaching/training with the AIR Foundation Team also has to change.

Usually on Sundays I swim for an hour before my long run with the Team. This week I didn't swim, I didn't run, I drove my car around while the guys ran their longest distance yet (2 hours) and poured cups of water, peeled bananas, and fed them Clif bars. I was happy to be part of the training even though I couldn't run (and, I admit, I wasn't too jealous of them running in the cold, snowy weather while I sat in my heated car and listened to Devotchka and Hello Kavita). I didn't really miss my 5:45 AM runs on Monday and Thursday, and I'm pretty sure I won't be too heartbroken when I sit on a wall and blow a whistle while the team runs laps at City Park tomorrow night. The real beautiful part of being "in recovery" is that for the first time since December, I had a night off last night. I didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I didn't even reply to a single e-mail on my BlackBerry. Instead, I had dinner with the boyfriend and played a sweet game of poker, coming in fourth overall. This morning I slept until 8:30, no breakfast meetings, no e-mail alerts at 7 AM, no phone calls or text messages. I'm not saying that I want this slack in activity to become permanent. It's the fact that I've been so busy that makes these easy weeks so enjoyable.

I do hope that in the coming months I won't have to split my focus so much between job, volunteering, and personal life. I'm still hoping that by July I'll be able to work only part-time with D&D, and be getting something of a paycheck with The AIR Foundation. By October, I hope to be full-time with AIR. Fundraising is still slow, but we're seeing a boom of volunteer activity. I have to believe I'm doing something right. I also have to trust that God is in control of this as well.

Over the last few years here in Colorado I've really struggled with my career path, understanding where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to utilize my gifts, talents and interests in a meaningful way. I've struggled with major disappointment, mild depression and anxiety, and generally feeling stuck. For the first time since I moved here, I really feel like I've got a good thing going for myself, career wise. While I understand that non-profit work is volatile, especially in this market, I remind myself to "be strong and courageous." I trust that what I'm doing is good and right. It makes me happy, puts me at peace. Looking back, things haven't always (ever) made sense, but my vision is starting to clear a bit and I am beginning to, once again, move with purpose, move forward - well today it's more like a hobble, but it's still forward progress.

Internal Drive

As I mentioned in my 2009 wrap-up post, one aspect of my character that I really want to develop this year is an internal drive to succeed at all costs. What I mean by that is I want to overcome obstacles and challenges to accomplish my goals regardless of how I "feel" about the situation. Today is a perfect example of how not to do this.

I have known ever since college that my typical stress reaction is to ignore the problem until the very last possible second and then rush around to try salvage whatever I can to present something passable. I've always been really good at "winging it" and I don't know if that's an outcome of my coping strategy or an excuse for continuing this behavior. At work I have a project that's been sitting on my desk since September. The deadline is Friday. Well really, the deadline was December 21, but I kept convincing myself that I could make it work with a little less time. Now, here I am hopelessly behind schedule, and I am absolutely paralyzed when it comes to this project. It's become this huge mental block. Ideally I would stop looking at Facebook, replying to e-mails, chit-chatting with co-workers, and doing every other possible thing besides work on this project, and just finish it and get it off my desk. Okay, ideally, I would have finished it two weeks ago and not allowed it to become such a major issue.

The real problem is that this is common practice for me. I used to think that it meant I had a poor work ethic. But when I'm really dedicated to something, I work really hard. I think what I lack here is discipline to complete a job that I don't feel like doing. This gets back to the original point about internal drive. I need someone pushing me along, checking in on me, keeping me accountable. It's a fairly immature way to operate and I won't stay in any job long if I require so much supervision. I've faked it long enough. I don't think I can continue to pretend I'm working when I'm really not. I'll get caught sometime. That's not succeeding at all, let alone at all costs.

So here I am, huge project in front of, testing my new year's resolution already. I always say that I have to make the choice everyday to be more like the person I want to be. This is my choice today. It might be too late already; I have to try to succeed at all costs.

But first I will have lunch . . .

How it Ends

Two NYEs ago my brother Philip and I celebrated together with Devotchka at Mercury Cafe. Both of us were relatively new arrivals in Denver and while we had spent holidays in Colorado, we were still feeling out of the social scene. I'm happy to say that this year, Philip and I can still rely on each other to enjoy a great show.

I bought tickets to see Devotchka this year, not on a whim, but with a sense nostalgia. Kind of a way to look back over the last two years and realize how much has changed, and how much has stabilized in my life.

The most obvious change is that both of us were accompanied by a significant other this year. I think the reason we didn't attend this concert last year is because we were both hoping to spend it with the people pictured. I think we can say it was a successful pursuit.

The other difference that struck me at the concert is how much Denver/Colorado has become home to both of us since NYE 2007. To think back even one more year, Philip and I spend NYE 2006 together at El Chapultepec for a night of great live jazz. We were such strangers to this place. Now I think we're rooted here more than any other place from our mobile upbringing.

As we turn the page to a new year, a new decade even, I think it's important to note how good life is, changes and all.

I went for a final run of 2009 with the guys from the AIR Foundation last night before the concert. Over the last week on our runs, I've heard over and over about their drive to stay on their path of sobriety, to keep running the good race, to stay on pace, to stay focused, etc. Last night was no different as each of them look forward to a new year and a new life in 2010. I am honored and thrilled to be part of their lives and to see them decide every day to become more like the person they were created and purposed to be. Needless to say I've developed important relationships with some of these guys. They thank me often for supporting them. I can't thank them enough for allowing me to be apart of their victory. 2009 was a good year; 2010 promises greatness.

Of course I have to begin considering what I want to accomplish in the new year, aside from all my personal adventure goals. As with every year, I want to strive to become more like the person I was created and purposed to be. I may not know exactly what that looks like anymore, but I know the foundation is character. It doesn't matter where I end up in my career. I don't care what possessions I accumulate along the way. What I really want is to be the person God created me to be; to be a woman of character, someone with a kind and generous heart. What I really want to develop in the new year is an internal drive to utilize my abilities to accomplish something meaningful. I've realized over the last few weeks that I am primarily driven by external stimuli. I don't want to rely on that to motivate me to action. I want to be someone who pursues my goals ambitiously because I want to, not because I think someone else wants something for/from me.

I am really excited about 2010. It will be a year of hard challenges and tough decisions that produce great character and great joy. Are you up for it? I'm all in.

Butterfly Effect

I've struggled the last few days to readjust and deal with the inevitable post-training let-down. Just like every time before, when I feel myself sinking into depression, I have to start making goals for myself and start working toward accomplishing them. I have to focus on the small steps, celebrate the small victories, and make small decisions everyday to become the person I want to be.

Just like running, life is cumulative. If I want to be a runner, I have to get up every day, tie on my shoes, and run. Every mile I run counts toward becoming a better, stronger runner. Every race I run is a learning experience for the next one. Every run is a testament to my character as a runner. With life, every day lived well counts toward becoming more like the person I want to be. Every day is a learning experience for tomorrow. Every day is a testament to my character.

While it might seem overwhelming to pin so much on each day, really by focusing on a single day, I alleviate a lot of the pressure on my future. I can't change the way I behaved yesterday, but I can learn from it. I can't predict what will happen tomorrow, but I can prepare for it with the lessons from yesterday. Today I can only do the best with what I have and trust that down the line it will have meteorological effects.

So today, I'm choosing to work hard in spite of the fact that I believe my current position is meaningless. I'm choosing to meet my trainees for a run, even though it's snowing. I'm making small decisions (not eating a third chocolate chip cookie), celebrating small victories (having saved enough money to cover one month's rent in my emergency fund), and taking small steps to accomplish a new goal (finding contact information for a potential new sponsor for the AIR Foundation). Maybe tomorrow I'll be motivated to take bigger steps; today this is the best I can do.

Back to Life

After two weeks in the US Army parallel training universe, it's a shock to be back at work and back to normal, daily life. It almost makes it seem unreal; as if the whole ordeal was just a long dream. Some may say nightmare, but I actually had a really good time. I think that makes it even harder to cope with the daily grind. Anytime I come out of a training cycle with the Army, it takes me a few days to process, decompress, and readjust. I'm such an extrovert, a people-person, that spending a night in my apartment alone, with just my kitty cat, feels lonely, quiet, uncomfortable. I never have a hard time sleeping, but when I woke up at quarter to 5 this morning (an hour and a half before my alarm clock is set), and I wasn't in my barracks room with two roommates, or in a Korean-Army style tent with 17 other women, I struggled to remember where I was.

Walking into work this morning was no less of a shock. The instant I open those heavy wooden doors, the can already feel the tension headache coming on. I immediately regain my defensive posture, and head silently to my desk, sure not to make eye contact with anyone, ignoring all "welcome back" greetings along the way.

The last two days of training, I couldn't wait to get home. Now that I'm home, I'm already thinking about the next time I can be back in training, back in full-time Army mode.

Maybe it's not simply a case of Grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side-itis. Maybe I really thrive in a military environment, and a training environment in particular. I love the constant stimulation, the rush of multiple tasks to be accomplished in a short amount of time, the sense of being part of something more important than myself alone, the feeling that I am really good at being in the Army. It seems to suit me. I find it exciting. It's exhausting, yes, but I've never been one to shy away from being busy. One of my fellow students during the course commented that I seem like the type of person who embraces a challenge - I like being that type of person. I strive to incorporate that into my personal life, in the Army there are more challenges to embrace.

On the last day of training, the instructors recommended me for an instructor position at the academy. All I need to do is complete the paperwork for the transfer from my unit and I'm in.

There are a lot of important relationships in Denver that would be distupted if I take a full-time Army instructor job. Mostly I'm concerned about my work with the AIR Foundation. I can't very well continue to develop their program in Denver from Seattle. Nor would I have any time to work on expanding the program to Washington. I've made a commitment to AIR through October, and if it doesn't pan out into a full-time paid position by then, I'll have to seriously consider this other option.

Jim's perfectly willing to move; he can find work anywhere. I'm blessed to be with someone who is committed to supporting me in pursuing my own career at this point.

There's a lot to consider. I'm really proud of myself for what I accomplished in the last two weeks. I may not have walked away with a chest full of medals, but I worked hard and learned a lot. I have big plans for my unit here in Denver. I'm determined that no soldier from my unit will go to WLC unprepared. That at least will be good practice in case I do end up at the academy next fall.

I'm getting the feeling that 2010 is going to kick off the next decade in a big way for me.

Packing Day

I'm anxiously preparing for a two-week excursion into the wilderness of the North West United States. During these two weeks, I'll be participating in a three-day camping trip as well as taking classes in orienteering, outdoor survival, physical fitness techniques and training, and leadership skills. All of my travel, food, lodging and equipment is provided. I leave Thursday and return just one week before Christmas.

It's not nearly as exciting as it sounds; I'm going with my Uncle Sam. He's notorious for taking everything too seriously, making everyone get up really early, stay up really late, go for days without showers, shouting loudly over seemingly mundane details, and shamelessly belittling everyone in his sights. Not exactly a vacation. I'm determined to come out on top; sharper, smarter, and ready to face whatever the new year may present.

On the eve of the President announcing his plan for military operations in Afghanistan, and particularly whether there will be a surge of an additional 30,000 - 40,000 troops deployed, I have to believe that I need to absorb as much as I can from this trip. I've been fortunate enough over the last 4 years (5 years in February!), to not spend any time in the Sandbox. I've also been blessed enough to know dozens of people who have done their duty two and three times over.

I trust that God is in control of this situation, and I sincerely believe that He is putting me (or keeping me) exactly where I need to be to fulfill his purpose in my life. I'm not worried. If I go, I go, and God will be sovereign even there. If I stay, I stay, and God has plans for me here.

Passion and Hope

The last few weeks have been busy, encouraging, exhausting, motivating, stressful and exciting. I could (should?) provide an entry to describe all the various things I have going on, but after all of it, I don't have the time or the energy to really give writing the appropriate attention. Just to recap:

I've been volunteering quite a bit with The AIR Foundation lately. For those of you who are unfamiliar, AIR addresses homelessness and addiction through endurance running. Working in cooperation with the Denver Rescue Mission, we use "Activity Inspired Rehabilitation" (AIR) to train men and women in long-term drug and alcohol rehabilitation to finish at least one of two marathons in Denver every year. It's really an amazing program. I'm really excited to be apart of something that I believe is making a difference in peoples' lives. Over the past few weeks, I've been working to finish up the 501(c)(3) application. If we can get non-profit status from the IRS, it will open up dozens of opportunities.

I've also agreed to oversee the volunteer coordination as well as training for the runners and volunteers. We're launching several rather ambitious projects in December and January that, if successful, will lead to a consistent revenue flow to support the programs. The program has so much potential to succeed, we just need to put a few pieces in place. That's become my job - putting pieces in place. It's exciting, and I'm thrilled to be doing something meaningful with my time and skills. It's also a lot of work. Did I mention, I'm still working my full-time job?

My own personal goal for working with AIR is to be able to move to part-time at Dill and Dill and work part-time, as a paid development/fundraising employee, with AIR by June 2010. My work is certainly cut out for me as my first fundraising hurdle is finding money to pay my own salary.

The wrench in the works is that AIR holds two recruiting events every year. The next one is December 8 and I'll be out of town. I recently received orders to spend two weeks in training near Seattle from December 3rd through December 18th. I've been trying to get in to this training course since February 2008. If I don't go now, no matter how bad the timing is, I may not get in for another year. The fact that I'll be away from home for two weeks and return right before Christmas hasn't even sunk in. I'm just concerned about getting everything done today, and every day until December 2.

I've never been one to shy away from excessive activity. I love jam-packed days, busy weekends, and falling into bed exhausted from productivity every night. Whether it's my need to feel important, or whether I just like getting things done, I have to remind myself that sometimes I just need a break.

I am certainly looking forward to having both Thursday and Friday off this week to spend time with my family and just relax. I have a stack of books, a list of movies, and a whole season of Fringe to watch. It's going to be great.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends! I hope you all have a lovely Holiday!

There Must be Something Else

Last night I had a horrible dream about my current work situation. I dreamed that I was fired from my current position with no explanation, no severance package, and no one to defend me. I was instructed to train three new interns who would take over my responsibilities and be gone by the end of the week.

I remember being so angry in my dream. When I woke up, I was still angry. I calmed myself down by thinking about all the things I could do if I DID get fired without pretense or warning. If nothing else, I could always go back to serving tables for a while. When I walked into work this morning, I got angry all over again. Obviously, this is not a healthy place for me to be. I resolved myself to finding some new way to pay the bills.

About one-thirty this afternoon, I received an e-mail informing me that my "application was NOT referred or accepted," for the job I mentioned in my previous post. I wanted to feel disappointed. I wanted to be frustrated. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. In spite of all the demoralizing statements I carry around in my head to pull out for such occasions, I couldn't help but believe that there must be something else, something better for me. I keep referring back to other career-related disappointments I've dealt with over the last few years. On the end of each one, I can always find reason to be thankful it didn't work out the way I had hoped.

Maybe I need to decide that a job is just a job and it doesn't have to be anything else. I really struggle, though, with spending such a vast majority of my life performing tasks that don't matter and will never make me happy. But maybe that's not what a job is supposed to do; give purpose to my life or provide satisfaction? Maybe I need to seek purpose and satisfaction in other things?

I keep hoping that things will change. There's nothing to do but keep filling out applications and hoping one of them hits. What have I got to lose?

Fingers Crossed

I was casually perusing the USA jobs website last week when I was surprised to find a position that seemed to be a perfect fit for me. It's a research and analysis job for the DOD, based on Colorado Springs, focusing on Latin America. The application deadline was yesterday.

I spent all day working on this application. It required 1-3 page responses to five different questions. The intent is for candidates to demonstrate in writing that they have the requisite experience to fill the position.

I want this job so much that I can hardly talk about it. I guess I believe that the more I talk about it, the more I'll want it, and the more I'll be disappointed when I don't get it. That's a sad way to pursue a career though, expecting to be let down and rejected.

I'm trying to adjust my attitude to reflect a greater belief in myself and my future, rather than my fears. I've dealt with disappointments before in my career and moved on. I may not be where I want to be, but that doesn't mean I stop trying to change my circumstances. I have to take chances; you can't win the lottery without buying a ticket, and you can't get the dream job without applying for it.

Itchy Feet

Last night I watched one episode of the new PBS series, National Parks: America's Best Idea. I was once again grasped by the realization that there is too much world to see, even here in the US, to stay in one place for very long. I've been dying to take a vacation, even a week-long, in-country trip to somewhere new. I have a whole list of places I've never been. Ideally, I'd really like to take about 4-5 months to travel.

In 1 year and 4 months I will have paid off all my debt other than my car and my student loans. At that point, I would only need to set aside about $2500 + basic living expenses in order to take 5 months off to travel. I think with my car, tent, backpack, and shoes, I could easily see a lot of the country with a minimal budget. Over the last few years, I've really wanted to hike all or part of the AT. I've planned numerous backpacking trips all over the Southwest that I've never had an opportunity to take. My boss keeps telling me that he's planning to retire in a year. Perhaps by then, I'll be ready to take some time off before job-hunting again.

I don't really want to just travel for the sake of traveling though. I think I'd like to design a service-oriented trip. I could find volunteer organizations in every state I want to visit and spend time working for them while I'm there. Maybe even just clean up trash in one of the National Parks I want to see; something to give my trip greater purpose than just sight seeing. Probably just one of my grand ideas that I'll hardly see to fruition, but I'd like to see what I can put together. If you have any good ideas for places to visit and volunteer, let me know. Maybe I can at least start mapping a route and thinking through the logistics.

The Big 2-8

I turned 28 yesterday. While all my friends, family members, co-workers, etc. assured me that 28 is NOT old, I can't help but feel like it IS. It doesn't help that I hurt my back carrying boxes while moving a few weeks ago and now I'm on a strict 6-hour alternating regiment of 600mg of Ibuprofen and Muscle Relaxers to make the muscles begin to un-injure themselves. Next year I'll be complaining that my hip replacement surgery has been delayed because of the damn communists in congress, dying my hair blue, and predicting the weather by the swelling in my arthritic knee.

Regardless of whether 28 is old or not old, it's been a scary age for me for quite some time now. I remember distinctly thinking as a freshman at Florida State that if I didn't have my life figured out by the time I turned 28 I was going to get breast implants, move to South America, and join a political revolution.

So as the Deadline Birthday approached, and then passed, I couldn't help but consider whether I've done all the things I could have/should have done to get me where I thought I wanted to be. Have I really put forth a good effort to make something of my life? Have I sincerely pursued the opportunities presented to me with diligence and passion? Even though I'm in a fairly good place right now, the answer to those questions is still a resounding "no" in my mind. I think about the times I've lied to or made excuses for myself instead of actually working toward my goals. I've blamed government, bureaucracy, my upbringing, my circumstances, God, everything to try and relieve myself of the burden of responsibility for my own actions. I recognize that when I get overwhelmed, I become easily paralyzed. But instead of recognizing that, and then actually taking steps to de-paralyze myself, I slip into this rebellious indifference and create a careless and sometimes spiteful attitude toward whatever obstacle I'm facing.

I think what it really comes down to is a lack of self-discipline. I believe I could be disciplined if I actually wanted to be. For example, I have plenty of time in the mornings to get up and run before work. I think I've done that once since I started working here two years ago. And it's not like I don't thoroughly ENJOY exercising, it's just that I like to sleep, and staying in bed is so much easier than getting out of it until the last possible minute. It's not just about exercising either. I often start projects, like job applications, or my ODC packet for the Army, or a grant application, etc. that I very rarely finish. These are all important to me, but somewhere along the way I lose interest and let it fall to the wayside. I really don't want my life to amount to a series of unfinished projects and unaccomplished goals.

So what's the solution? I need to get away from the mindset that once "X" happens, I'll be able to really start doing what I want with my life. I need to really make the effort to make "X" happen instead and stop making excuses for why it hasn't yet. Maybe the problem is that I don't really know what "X" is. I guess I don't know what I really want anymore.

Until I figure it out, I've tabled the breast implants idea and opted for a consultation with an orthodontist and a LASIK surgeon. Those seem like less self-indulgent vanity procedures. I think Brazil will have to take a back seat to the Middle East for a while, and the political revolution that needs to happen is here in America. So I guess I'll be here for a while longer. At least it's a good place to be stuck.