My Turn

I've been thinking lately about why I allow other people to dictate so much of my life. I rarely make completely independent decisions. I consider all the things that other people recommend or prefer before I make decisions. I've always just chalked it up as part of my easy-going nature. But I'm beginning to think that being so easy-going and amenable to what other people want is detrimental to my own well being. Usually I let other people take the reins because I just want them to enjoy themselves, and I am easily happy in most circumstances. This is starting to take a toll on me.

One of my famous quotes during AIT was "I just want to do what I want to do." We were able to go off post every weekend. Usually we just got hotel rooms, drank, went to the movies, shopped, etc. It was fun, but someone always ended up drinking too much, getting in a fight, getting kicked out of a hotel room, etc. And who do you think was there to try and hold everything together, keep people out of trouble, smooth over arguments? I felt so responsible for my friends and making sure that they had fun I hardly had time to relzx myself. I got so fed up with being the caretaker and peacekeeper that every weekend I would swear that I was going to "do what I want to do." It became a running joke because I never just did what I wanted to do.

So this morning I was thinking about this problem I have. My sister, calls it Co-dependency. I'm determined to, at least today, make my choices, be a little selfish, admit what I want and accept those things, work for them.

The other part of my problem is that when someone wrongs me, I immediately determine what I did wrong to make them hurt me, or what I did to misunderstand or misinterpret their actions as hurtful and assume that they really had no malintent. Why can't I just accept that people do mean, selfish things to me, be angry about it, let the blame settle on them, forgive them, and move on? It seems better, nicer maybe, to blame myself, be angry with myself, and let them be. I've spent years kicking myself for wrongs others have committed against me.

The funny thing is, this is my horoscope for today:

"Are your friends getting too involved in your plans for the day? If you let everyone put in their two cents about everything, you'll never get anywhere! It's time to stop being such a good listener and start being more independent in how you go about things. Instead of getting everyone's input on what the right plan is, just go off and do what you think will work best. If you're wrong, who cares? You'll learn something, and show folks that you can think for yourself."

I love it when I seem to be in line with the Universe.