Either Way

I had a lovely conversation with a good friend from the past last night. It was great to catch up and reconnect. I always find it interesting how people manage to find their ways back into each others’ lives at certain points in time. The phone call last night was so perfectly timed, I had to count it as a blessing.

Sometimes I want to hit the self-destruct button. I find myself losing hope for no good reason, and I just want to cut my losses and get out.

Things have been going so well for me lately. But I can’t relax and enjoy it. I went five nights in a row with less than two hours of sleep last week. No matter how exhausted I felt, I couldn’t fall asleep. If I finally did fall asleep, I would wake up by three o’clock, on the dot, my mind racing. I tried sleeping on the couch, reading, taking a walk, yoga, everything. I thought maybe it was just my body getting used to all the changes: new job, different living arrangements, different time schedule, etc. But usually this manifests itself in other ways, not my ability to sleep.

As I was talking to Chris last night I mentioned that I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. After my “Year of Disappointment,” it’s unsettling for things to be so right. Anytime I get a hold of something pretty, it slips away. So I’m waiting, anticipating, agonizing over the impending loss.

He’s not in a very enviable situation right now. But he’s hopeful, encouraging. What I appreciated about our conversation, what I appreciate about his friendship, is that we both seem to understand that there’s a plan.

Maybe the sun will shine today, I’ll understand, either way.