I’ve been thinking a lot about the different aspects of destiny or fate lately. I grew up learning that God is in control, He is sovereign, He has a plan for my life, etc., etc. All of which I’ve accepted whole-heartedly. It’s much easier to go about trusting that the universe is not spinning off its axis when crises hit, and I think I’m a stronger, more well-balanced person because I can take things in stride. I’m not really questioning this now, but what I am concerned with are two elements that are wrapped into this concept: whether things are “meant to be,” and whether I can be a victim of “bad timing.”
The whole issue of God’s will has seemed so rigid. When I’m not doing what God wants for me, I might as well be throwing my life down the drain. Lately I’m beginning to believe that there’s more flexibility in that. Perhaps what’s “meant to be” is more of a general purpose for my life, rather than daily rituals or simple choices. I truly believe in living as God intends – loving people, being kind, forgiving, being generous, being honest, living with integrity, reflecting His attributes. But all the in between stuff, like whether to rent this apartment or that one, or whether to date this person or that one, or whether or not to get a dog, I think those choices are truly mine to make. I want to live wisely, and I want to be ready and obedient to God’s direction in my life. The whole concept of “meant to be” bothers me because it limits my sense of free will. When I hear, “it’s just not meant to be,” or “it will work out if it’s meant to be,” I think it’s a cop out. It’s relinquishing control or giving up on something I just don’t want to deal with. Instead of taking responsibility and working for something, I blame the stars and wipe my hands of it.
I have the same reaction when I hear, “it’s just bad timing,” or “it will happen when the timing’s right.” I have certainly learned the importance of waiting for good things – or waiting out the disappointment for the good stuff to happen. I had a conversation the other night with a good friend about how if we had known each other the way we do now six or seven years ago, things between us would be different. He resigned that now it was too late. I think that’s fairly narrow-minded to think that simply because things don’t happen when they’re convenient, it’s a case of bad timing and thus all is lost. I think that so much of life is making our own timing. Granted, opportunities come and go, outside of my control, and I have to be able to recognize one when I see it, and take the chance to grab it. But if I don’t make things happen for myself, I’ll never get anywhere. So, I say to my friend, maybe our timing is yet to come – don’t rule it out yet simply because it’s not convenient right now. Maybe I’m overly optimistic, but that’s me – hope springs eternal.
I think one of the best decisions I made this past year was to quit working full-time at P.F. Changs. I didn’t have another job, but I cut back to one night a week, and began my search. I knew it wasn’t a good situation for me anymore – I was miserable. If I had waited until I found the perfect job before I left, I would still be there, hating my life. Maybe the timing wasn’t perfect, but I made a decision to do something. And it’s worked out beautifully.
Same thing with the State Department job; perhaps the timing wasn’t right for me to start a career in international diplomacy. But I’ve done everything I can to try and make it happen. I’ll never wonder if I could have or should have done more. It all fell so beautifully in to place in the beginning for it to fall devastatingly apart, but I didn’t give up. I made choices anticipating that it was going to work out, which all led me to where I am now. This aspect of God’s plan/fate/destiny I don’t doubt. And I know that by acting on faith, instead of simply sitting on my thumbs, waiting for “the plan” to drop into my lap, I’m living God’s will.
Perhaps things are or aren’t “meant to be,” and maybe I can be a victim of “bad timing.” But I refuse to believe that there’s nothing I can do about that.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Either Way
I had a lovely conversation with a good friend from the past last night. It was great to catch up and reconnect. I always find it interesting how people manage to find their ways back into each others’ lives at certain points in time. The phone call last night was so perfectly timed, I had to count it as a blessing.
Sometimes I want to hit the self-destruct button. I find myself losing hope for no good reason, and I just want to cut my losses and get out.
Things have been going so well for me lately. But I can’t relax and enjoy it. I went five nights in a row with less than two hours of sleep last week. No matter how exhausted I felt, I couldn’t fall asleep. If I finally did fall asleep, I would wake up by three o’clock, on the dot, my mind racing. I tried sleeping on the couch, reading, taking a walk, yoga, everything. I thought maybe it was just my body getting used to all the changes: new job, different living arrangements, different time schedule, etc. But usually this manifests itself in other ways, not my ability to sleep.
As I was talking to Chris last night I mentioned that I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. After my “Year of Disappointment,” it’s unsettling for things to be so right. Anytime I get a hold of something pretty, it slips away. So I’m waiting, anticipating, agonizing over the impending loss.
He’s not in a very enviable situation right now. But he’s hopeful, encouraging. What I appreciated about our conversation, what I appreciate about his friendship, is that we both seem to understand that there’s a plan.
Maybe the sun will shine today, I’ll understand, either way.
Sometimes I want to hit the self-destruct button. I find myself losing hope for no good reason, and I just want to cut my losses and get out.
Things have been going so well for me lately. But I can’t relax and enjoy it. I went five nights in a row with less than two hours of sleep last week. No matter how exhausted I felt, I couldn’t fall asleep. If I finally did fall asleep, I would wake up by three o’clock, on the dot, my mind racing. I tried sleeping on the couch, reading, taking a walk, yoga, everything. I thought maybe it was just my body getting used to all the changes: new job, different living arrangements, different time schedule, etc. But usually this manifests itself in other ways, not my ability to sleep.
As I was talking to Chris last night I mentioned that I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. After my “Year of Disappointment,” it’s unsettling for things to be so right. Anytime I get a hold of something pretty, it slips away. So I’m waiting, anticipating, agonizing over the impending loss.
He’s not in a very enviable situation right now. But he’s hopeful, encouraging. What I appreciated about our conversation, what I appreciate about his friendship, is that we both seem to understand that there’s a plan.
Maybe the sun will shine today, I’ll understand, either way.
Monday, June 23, 2008
My Palace
I signed a lease on Saturday for my very own apartment. It's less than a mile from work, a block from Whole Foods, and it's all mine. I have big plans for my tiny space, so keep an eye out for before and after pics in the coming weeks. Of course, there will be a house warming so I can show it off when it's all finished!
I already have my first confirmed house guest for the summer! So if you're going to be in Denver and you need a place to stay, make your reservations now ;)
I already have my first confirmed house guest for the summer! So if you're going to be in Denver and you need a place to stay, make your reservations now ;)
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Lead with the Heart
At what point do we learn that love is something dangerous, serious, something to be feared?
Sunday is my yoga day. You know by now how important this practice has become to me lately. After missing nearly two weeks of consistent practice and training I became this bottle of negative emotion. In spite of the fact that everything seems to be falling into place for the first time in my adult life I was angry, resentful, irritable. I made any mishap or misunderstanding an excuse to feel bitter toward someone. That's not me. That's not how I want to live my life. Finally, on Thursday, I returned to the mat for a less-than-inspiring yoga class. But the difference of just going through the motions and focusing in on my breath, my body, letting my mind and heart go; on Friday, I was a new woman. I briefly realized how detrimental it is not to allow myself the time I need to balance and be introspective.
I spend a lot of time in my head, but not often in a very productive way. I get caught up in the what-ifs and what-nots and let the stress seep in.
This morning's yoga class was quite a blessing. Allison always chooses a theme on Sunday mornings. Today was "stress." So we spent the first few minutes of class talking about focusing on what I need to do in the here and now to make something work - not letting all the next steps and concerns about the final outcome overwhelm me. I set my intention for the day (another powerful tool I'm learning - but deserves a discussion all its own) - I wanted to feel quiet strength. Whenever I felt myself getting discouraged or my body giving in, I reminded myself to quiet down, relax, and be strong in the moment. The key to maintaining most of the poses is leading with the heart. Pushing it through and opening it, putting the rest of the body in balance, in place.
After yoga on Sundays I always refresh myself with some quiet time. A few weeks ago it was as simple as walking home from class and I had a realization that God is constantly uttering love to me. It's everywhere.
I want to digress for a moment, just to make a point. A couple weeks ago my brother and one of his friends spent a week backpacking in Utah. As you can imagine, I was sick with envy. They had a wonderful time and returned feeling rejuvenated and thoroughly blessed. My brother shared a story where he had broken his sunglasses and within half an hour found a new pair of sunglasses on the ground, in perfect condition, like they had been placed there just for him. They hiked along, looking for an owner but never found anyone sans-sunglasses. So Philip took it as a gift. The point is, when you are looking for blessings in everything, everything becomes a blessing.
So I ventured up into the foothills this afternoon to clear my head and receive any blessings I could find. At the start of my hike I was frustrated by this question of why are people so resistant of love? It struck me, God must feel deeply frustrated by my resistance of His great love for me. And infinitely more frustrated than I can feel because He has infinitely more love to give, and a love much deeper, richer, more powerful. So I set my intention for my afternoon, to simply receive God's love, accept His blessings. I took every plant, tree, fly, grasshopper, flower, stone, breeze as an expression of love. I soaked it in, let it wash over me. When I reached the pinnacle of my hike, overlooking the continental divide, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, but not satisfied. I wanted more. I wanted to touch those mountains, experience them deeper, I wanted to consume and be consumed by all that was around me. So I lingered as long as I could, relishing the beauty of the day.
When I emerged from the woods and hopped back in my car to head to work I returned to my orginal question of why people are so resistant toward love? When did it become scary? Somewhere along our journey our broken, abused hearts forget the most natural and basic of exchanges: the giving and receiving of love. So how do I lead with the heart to maintain stability and balance? How can I allow myself to be open to giving and receiving love in spite of the fact that my heart doesn't even function that way anymore? The only answer I can find is that it starts with letting those little everywhere blessings fill my heart and put life into it again.
Then the next step then, is making those blessings real to the people I come in contact with. Talk about setting an intention!
Sunday is my yoga day. You know by now how important this practice has become to me lately. After missing nearly two weeks of consistent practice and training I became this bottle of negative emotion. In spite of the fact that everything seems to be falling into place for the first time in my adult life I was angry, resentful, irritable. I made any mishap or misunderstanding an excuse to feel bitter toward someone. That's not me. That's not how I want to live my life. Finally, on Thursday, I returned to the mat for a less-than-inspiring yoga class. But the difference of just going through the motions and focusing in on my breath, my body, letting my mind and heart go; on Friday, I was a new woman. I briefly realized how detrimental it is not to allow myself the time I need to balance and be introspective.
I spend a lot of time in my head, but not often in a very productive way. I get caught up in the what-ifs and what-nots and let the stress seep in.
This morning's yoga class was quite a blessing. Allison always chooses a theme on Sunday mornings. Today was "stress." So we spent the first few minutes of class talking about focusing on what I need to do in the here and now to make something work - not letting all the next steps and concerns about the final outcome overwhelm me. I set my intention for the day (another powerful tool I'm learning - but deserves a discussion all its own) - I wanted to feel quiet strength. Whenever I felt myself getting discouraged or my body giving in, I reminded myself to quiet down, relax, and be strong in the moment. The key to maintaining most of the poses is leading with the heart. Pushing it through and opening it, putting the rest of the body in balance, in place.
After yoga on Sundays I always refresh myself with some quiet time. A few weeks ago it was as simple as walking home from class and I had a realization that God is constantly uttering love to me. It's everywhere.
I want to digress for a moment, just to make a point. A couple weeks ago my brother and one of his friends spent a week backpacking in Utah. As you can imagine, I was sick with envy. They had a wonderful time and returned feeling rejuvenated and thoroughly blessed. My brother shared a story where he had broken his sunglasses and within half an hour found a new pair of sunglasses on the ground, in perfect condition, like they had been placed there just for him. They hiked along, looking for an owner but never found anyone sans-sunglasses. So Philip took it as a gift. The point is, when you are looking for blessings in everything, everything becomes a blessing.
So I ventured up into the foothills this afternoon to clear my head and receive any blessings I could find. At the start of my hike I was frustrated by this question of why are people so resistant of love? It struck me, God must feel deeply frustrated by my resistance of His great love for me. And infinitely more frustrated than I can feel because He has infinitely more love to give, and a love much deeper, richer, more powerful. So I set my intention for my afternoon, to simply receive God's love, accept His blessings. I took every plant, tree, fly, grasshopper, flower, stone, breeze as an expression of love. I soaked it in, let it wash over me. When I reached the pinnacle of my hike, overlooking the continental divide, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, but not satisfied. I wanted more. I wanted to touch those mountains, experience them deeper, I wanted to consume and be consumed by all that was around me. So I lingered as long as I could, relishing the beauty of the day.
When I emerged from the woods and hopped back in my car to head to work I returned to my orginal question of why people are so resistant toward love? When did it become scary? Somewhere along our journey our broken, abused hearts forget the most natural and basic of exchanges: the giving and receiving of love. So how do I lead with the heart to maintain stability and balance? How can I allow myself to be open to giving and receiving love in spite of the fact that my heart doesn't even function that way anymore? The only answer I can find is that it starts with letting those little everywhere blessings fill my heart and put life into it again.
Then the next step then, is making those blessings real to the people I come in contact with. Talk about setting an intention!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Team Denver Marathon
I joined a new running/training group and we had our first run this morning. I think I'm really going to like it. A far cry from my last training experience, it was really organized, professional, structured. While my Team in Training group was great, I don't think I really learned much about how to train for and run a marathon.
I was very impressed with the coaches (professional fitness trainers)and the support staff (a nutritionist, massage therapist, sports physician, and physical therapists). The range of runners varies, but they assigned us to pace groups, with a specific coach for each group. There are 13 other sub-9 min/mile runners - so, in one day I have 12 new running partners. Most of us are there to be social as much as we are to train. Or maybe I just found all the other people there to socialize. Either way, people were friendly and the run was an all around pleasant experience.
Now I'm even more excited about running my second marathon October 19. And no worries - I won't be asking anyone for donations. I may beg you to be part of my personal fan club as spectators or water station volunteers!
I was very impressed with the coaches (professional fitness trainers)and the support staff (a nutritionist, massage therapist, sports physician, and physical therapists). The range of runners varies, but they assigned us to pace groups, with a specific coach for each group. There are 13 other sub-9 min/mile runners - so, in one day I have 12 new running partners. Most of us are there to be social as much as we are to train. Or maybe I just found all the other people there to socialize. Either way, people were friendly and the run was an all around pleasant experience.
Now I'm even more excited about running my second marathon October 19. And no worries - I won't be asking anyone for donations. I may beg you to be part of my personal fan club as spectators or water station volunteers!
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Cath. . .
I'm terrified of reaching a point in my life where I have to settle for something less than what I really want because I believe all my options have been lost.
How do you maintain hope in the face of devastating loss and seemingly endless darkness?
I like to believe that I am a fighter. I keep faith in the things I think I deserve, and the things I know I want. But what about all those elements that are so far outside my control but deeply effect my life? I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness; when it feels like there isn't any point in continuing on a certain path because all sight of a happy ending is lost. I also know those fleeting times of perfect bliss, when I can almost taste the culmination of my efforts.
I want so much out of life. Sometimes I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and all my moments of perfection are gone in a whisper. I get so frustrated and discouraged by the temporal nature of happiness. Don't get me wrong, things are so good for me right now that I feel guilty even thinking about this.
I think what's eating me, in spite of all the goodness in my life, is that I want to know that I'm living my OWN dreams. I'm terrified of closing the door on so many things that would have brought me joy by pursuing something not meant for me.
I'm just going to lay it all out there. . .I think I'm falling in love. I want so badly for it to be right, because he's too important for it to be wrong.
How do you maintain hope in the face of devastating loss and seemingly endless darkness?
I like to believe that I am a fighter. I keep faith in the things I think I deserve, and the things I know I want. But what about all those elements that are so far outside my control but deeply effect my life? I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness; when it feels like there isn't any point in continuing on a certain path because all sight of a happy ending is lost. I also know those fleeting times of perfect bliss, when I can almost taste the culmination of my efforts.
I want so much out of life. Sometimes I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and all my moments of perfection are gone in a whisper. I get so frustrated and discouraged by the temporal nature of happiness. Don't get me wrong, things are so good for me right now that I feel guilty even thinking about this.
I think what's eating me, in spite of all the goodness in my life, is that I want to know that I'm living my OWN dreams. I'm terrified of closing the door on so many things that would have brought me joy by pursuing something not meant for me.
I'm just going to lay it all out there. . .I think I'm falling in love. I want so badly for it to be right, because he's too important for it to be wrong.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
Videotape
Today was a most perfect day.
First of all, my first full-time day was great. It feels so good to have an "adult" job with benefits and a retirement fund. I start my paralegal training tomorrow. Another element on my diverse resume.
Second, I'm spending my first night in the loft downtown. I'm totally smitten with this place. I'm already planning future dinner parties.
Third, and best of all, I finally, finally, finally, after a year of waiting, received my reimbursement check for the medical expenses I accumulated obtaining a clearance for the State Department. Hooray!
I really felt the need to document the perfection of this day, in spite of the abundance of energy I have.
Only one thing could make this day even more perfect. . .
First of all, my first full-time day was great. It feels so good to have an "adult" job with benefits and a retirement fund. I start my paralegal training tomorrow. Another element on my diverse resume.
Second, I'm spending my first night in the loft downtown. I'm totally smitten with this place. I'm already planning future dinner parties.
Third, and best of all, I finally, finally, finally, after a year of waiting, received my reimbursement check for the medical expenses I accumulated obtaining a clearance for the State Department. Hooray!
I really felt the need to document the perfection of this day, in spite of the abundance of energy I have.
Only one thing could make this day even more perfect. . .
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
To Good for Words
I'm indescribably happy right now.
I ran my first marathon this weekend in San Diego. I didn't run as fast as I had hoped, but I finished, and that's the important part. Even more though, it was a fantastic experience and I will be so much better prepared when I run the Denver Marathon in October. I know how to train, how to eat, sleep, drink, etc. It was a great learning experience. I think I finally found an athletic event that I enjoy and that I'm actually quite good at. You can see me cross the finish line at the local NBC website:
I'm not very visible, but when the clock reads 4:39:32 you can catch a glimpse of me on the far left-hand side walking off camera. I'm wearing an orange hat, purple singlet, and dark shorts with a white stripe down the side. More photos to come . . .
After the race I spent 2 1/2 amazing days in Los Angeles with a special someone. Also, a great experience. No video links available - sorry folks.
Tomorrow I start working as a full-time employee at Dill and Dill. I'm a bit nervous, actually. I've been there since January, but something about being there all day, learning a new set of skills, and actually having an "adult" job brings butterflies to my stomach.
Also tomorrow, I take up temporary residence at a loft downtown. I'll be housesitting until mid-July at a fantastic little place in the heart of Denver. I am SO EXCITED about it.
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