Anger is an all-consuming emotion. I used to feel that being angry was a bad thing. It's only been in the last couple years I've learned to accept anger as a legitimate, acceptable, natural human emotion. Sometimes I do and say things out of anger that are destructive, but I am usually very quick to recognize my fault and apologize. Lately though I've been a lot more angry. Everyone has bad days, I have bad months. I don't think I've not been angry since June. Not to say that I was never angry before that, but I don't think a day has passed in the last four months where I have not been mad about something or someone. I've never been an angry person. I've typically been good natured, easy-going, and kind. I don't know to what I should attribute this drastic change in attitude, but I think it's getting worse. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep because I have dreams where I'm angry. I thought maybe it was just stress. But the situations in my dreams are not just stressful, they are enraging.
At this point I should probably explain that I am sort of a mystic about dreams. I think they reveal a lot about what's going on emotionally and spiritually. I don't like to admit when I'm upset or acknowledge when I've been wronged, I just let things slide. So when I start having repetitive dreams that mirror frustrating emotional situations I have to pay attention. Last night I had a dream that I kept falling back in to. I was in a prison where I was accused of a crime I never committed. I was in a cell with two friends and they were plotting an escape but they refused to discuss it with me. When the guard came in to question me, my friends stood by with their hands behind their backs as the guard repeatedly tazed me. I couldn't speak because he was tazing my neck and my entire body was limp from the electric current. What kept waking me up in a cold sweat was not the pain from the tazing it was the anger I felt toward my friends who continued to allow this to happen to me even though they knew I was innocent.
Here's what I think it means:
I'm angry and God and people because I have been very disappointed
I'm disappointed because I don't believe God has provided for me very well, and I'm disappointed in my friends because I feel they have abandoned me - both parties have failed to uphold what I believe to be their primary purpose in the relationship.
I feel hopeless at times about my future and trapped by my current circumstances.
Now I concede that I may have had unreasonable expectations for God and friends, but I don't think my expectations were completely unfounded. So this is confusing, disappointing, and enraging. My natural reaction to such disappointments is to push them away and insist that I don't need them anyway. I feel like God has led me in to the desert to wander for forty years and all my friends have found their way out and left me behind. I thought we were supposed to be on this journey together. What happened? I want to believe that God is good and that he loves me. I want to believe that I have people who care about me. But lately there isn't any evidence of this. I refuse to be powerless as a result of this abandonment. So I choose anger. I don't like it. I would much rather be hopeful and optimistic. I've always pitied bitter people because I recognized the disappointment they must have experienced to make them so hateful. I believe I have a good heart. I want to love freely and deeply. I hope I'm still capable when I finally make it to Canaan.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Too Much Time, Too Little to Do
I don't think I've ever had the problem of having too few things to fill my time. I've had to begin creating projects for myself just so I don't waste my days watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model on MTV. It's my shameful indulgence. Some people watch porn, I watch model wannabes perform a variety of stupid human tricks to try and get on a magazine cover - what's not to love? Okay, anyway. So I have decided to take the LSAT in December. Preparing for this should reasonably consume about two hours a day. I have also enthusiastically agreed to write an article for my dad about building the Panama Canal as a metaphor for understanding cultural context. This could also reasonably consume two hours a day. I'm helping my mom do some research on bilingual education policy for one of her classes - again I could easily spend several hours a day on this. Suddenly my problem is not lack of activity, but disciplining myself again to be productive. I've become so lazy. I need to get back on track, get back in to my exercise routine, get back in to reading and writing on a daily basis, and just make better use of my time in general. I've always been more efficient when I have too much to do. Now, I feel that time is infinite and I can't accomplish anything. For example, today, I got up, ate breakfast and promptly tuned in to, no, not ANTM, but HBO on-demand for a little Sex and the City (my newest shameful indulgence). Hey at least it's something different. And in some books it might even be considered educational. Ugh, why am I letting myself just waste away? I need a wake-up call.
Prepare for the Worst, Plan on Catastrophe?
I'm not sure who decided that it was a good idea for people the live as if the worst possible outcome is the most likely. When it comes to planning for the future, or even living in the present, I prefer to believe that things work out for the best. Especially when it comes to other people and my relationships. I tend to see the best in people, or at least I try (my current occupation is hardening me to this, but that is another issue all together). Perhaps its naive, but I never assume that relationships are naturally headed for disappointment. Isn't part of the enjoyment of life and love the hope for happily-ever-after? Now I understand the rationale that I need to protect myself and be careful about getting wrapped up in my emotions, but I never want to be so guarded that I fail to love simply because I'm scared that it might end in heartache. I like taking chances, being spontaneous. In relationships I need someone who will take risks with me. "Why not go out on a limb, that's where all the fruit is," according to Mark Twain. The limb may or may not break, but how will I know if I never try? If it holds, maybe I'll get my hands on the sweetest fruit.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Compass Points
"Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction."
- Lewis Carrol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Sometimes life takes you in an unexpected direction. For the last year or so I've worked and waited aimlessly for what I hoped would be my dream job, my big break, my easy street. So far, no progress. I was facing one direction, keeping on the blinders. Maybe it could be considered focus, but I really wasn't accomplishing anything. So, I decided to pick a new direction. Not completely new. I'm revisiting an old path: Law School. I toyed with the idea throughout college and put it aside because I didn't want to be an attorney. I decided to go to grad school instead. I kind of think the compass was pointing toward law school the whole time. In my first semester at KU I attended a lecture given by Gary Hagen, the president of International Justice Mission. I was inspired by the stories of lives transformed by the organization. I've been a supporter ever since. But I really want to do more.
My Dad is my sounding board for pretty much anything on my mind. He has great insights into my personality and decision-making processes and his words about my future ring clear in my mind as I think through my next step. He often reminds me that I am destined for great things. He reaffirms my own beliefs that God has designed and called me to accomplish deeds that will have eternal effects. He also reminds me that just because I see a need I do not need to fulfill it. I am a habitual over-achiever. I want to be everything to everyone. I sincerely enjoy giving of myself to others and I get the greatest satisfaction when I am a catalyst of others' success. Perhaps some people call this co-dependence or people-pleasing behavior. I admit I can fall victim to those unhealthy tendencies. For the most part though, I draw my boundaries and I know my limitations. I have learned that overextending myself only leads to destructive feelings of resentment and self-righteous martyrdom. When it comes to career decisions I must be aware of the fact that my decisions may be affected by these desires to meet some extroverted need.
What confuses me about my current circumstances is that joining the Foreign Service never appealed to my sense of obligation to the greater good. It was something I wanted for me, for the advancement of my career, and still fulfilled my desire to perform a public service. It seemed wholly selfish and not self-centered. It appeared to be a perfect opportunity for me to use my natural abilities while advancing my career. Now, over a year later, I am still waiting for someone to make a decision, somewhere that could affect my entire occupational future. It's like standing in a clearing waiting for someone to install a sign post.
With my decision to apply for Law School I am pulling the compass out of my pocket and moving out of the clearing. I have spent my entire life catching the opportunities thrown at me. I am a spiritual mystic, believing that God uses my surrounding universe to communicate his will in many ways. Honestly, I haven't had to work very hard to get where I am. Things have always come easily to me, and I have taken them as signs to take certain actions. Thus I've never had to practice perseverance. Perhaps now is my time to take the hard road, hack through some underbrush, and move toward my ultimate goal rather than just allow the path to open up before me.
- Lewis Carrol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Sometimes life takes you in an unexpected direction. For the last year or so I've worked and waited aimlessly for what I hoped would be my dream job, my big break, my easy street. So far, no progress. I was facing one direction, keeping on the blinders. Maybe it could be considered focus, but I really wasn't accomplishing anything. So, I decided to pick a new direction. Not completely new. I'm revisiting an old path: Law School. I toyed with the idea throughout college and put it aside because I didn't want to be an attorney. I decided to go to grad school instead. I kind of think the compass was pointing toward law school the whole time. In my first semester at KU I attended a lecture given by Gary Hagen, the president of International Justice Mission. I was inspired by the stories of lives transformed by the organization. I've been a supporter ever since. But I really want to do more.
My Dad is my sounding board for pretty much anything on my mind. He has great insights into my personality and decision-making processes and his words about my future ring clear in my mind as I think through my next step. He often reminds me that I am destined for great things. He reaffirms my own beliefs that God has designed and called me to accomplish deeds that will have eternal effects. He also reminds me that just because I see a need I do not need to fulfill it. I am a habitual over-achiever. I want to be everything to everyone. I sincerely enjoy giving of myself to others and I get the greatest satisfaction when I am a catalyst of others' success. Perhaps some people call this co-dependence or people-pleasing behavior. I admit I can fall victim to those unhealthy tendencies. For the most part though, I draw my boundaries and I know my limitations. I have learned that overextending myself only leads to destructive feelings of resentment and self-righteous martyrdom. When it comes to career decisions I must be aware of the fact that my decisions may be affected by these desires to meet some extroverted need.
What confuses me about my current circumstances is that joining the Foreign Service never appealed to my sense of obligation to the greater good. It was something I wanted for me, for the advancement of my career, and still fulfilled my desire to perform a public service. It seemed wholly selfish and not self-centered. It appeared to be a perfect opportunity for me to use my natural abilities while advancing my career. Now, over a year later, I am still waiting for someone to make a decision, somewhere that could affect my entire occupational future. It's like standing in a clearing waiting for someone to install a sign post.
With my decision to apply for Law School I am pulling the compass out of my pocket and moving out of the clearing. I have spent my entire life catching the opportunities thrown at me. I am a spiritual mystic, believing that God uses my surrounding universe to communicate his will in many ways. Honestly, I haven't had to work very hard to get where I am. Things have always come easily to me, and I have taken them as signs to take certain actions. Thus I've never had to practice perseverance. Perhaps now is my time to take the hard road, hack through some underbrush, and move toward my ultimate goal rather than just allow the path to open up before me.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Job Interview
Yesterday I went on a second interview for a "marketing" firm in Denver. The only reason I agreed to go on this observation/shadow day was because I believed it was really a marketing job for which they were hiring. Was I in for a surprise!
I arrived promptly at 11:30 looking very sharp in my black suit, ready to tackle the day and prove my worth to the company. I met the corporate trainer I would be following for the day and he questioned me about my previous job experience as we walked to his car. Once outside I met a new trainee on her first day who also accompanied us. The observation day begins as we take of in search of businesses. As we drive the trainer asks me questions about marketing, obviously trying to demonstrate that his knowledge and expertise are superior to my own. I let me believe he is right by responding with interested noises, "hmmm," "uh huh," "ohh." We drive around for about 15 minutes until we find a strip mall with three of our clients. We park, the trainer hands me two coupon books and we're off. We walk in to the first business, a Fantastic Sams. The trainer immediately begins his spiel, not to petition the business owner to participate in raising money to sponspor a local wheelchair basketball league, but to purchase a coupon book! As I listen I begin to realize that I am observing a high school fundraiser masked as "marketing" job. We walk in to nearly every business in the strip mall selling coupon books.
Around 2pm we break for lunch. Graciously, the trainer buys my sandwich and procedes to outline the business model, pay scale and promotional hierarchy, guaranteeing that I too can open my own marketing firm in just one year, making six digits and retire before I'm thirty. I'm thinking that I'm much closer to thirty than this kid, and I did not spend six years getting two degrees to sell coupon books. I made the mistake of mentioning that I am waiting on a government job that will send me overseas, and the trainer interjected several times that mangement/ownership of my own marketing firm is probably not where I'm headed in their company since I'm looking for somthing temporary.
After lunch we got back in the car and headed toward our next event: a "setup." We arrived at a local grocery store, unloaded a card table, a stack of coupon books, and headed toward the entrance. For the next few hours we harrassed people as they came out of the grocery store to purchase coupon books. After a few minutes the trainer called me from behind the concrete post that I was strategically placed behind (so as not to be in anyone's way), to get me to participate and ask me some more questions. He began with, "what's your favorite movie?"
"The Princess Bride." I replied.
"So you really like chick flicks, huh? You probably really liked The Devil Wears Prada. That was the only chick flick I really liked. You seem like an Anne Hathaway fan. So what's it about?"
I realized that he thought my favorite movie is Princess Diaries. Of course I began to correct him. "The Princess Bride. It's a classic action, adventure, comedy that came out in the late eighties with Billy Crystal, Andre the Giant, Robin Wright Penn, Carey Elwes."
"Who?" He looked at me, brow furrowed then quickly rushed to shove his coupon book in a woman's face as she attempted to avoid eye contact and lug her armload of groceries to her car.
"So, what's your favorite color?" he began his interrogation again.
"Red" I replied.
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why?" I ask. "I just like it. It's bright, cheerful, pretty."
"You can't just like a color because it's pretty. Why do you like red?" he asked before he jumped in front of another wary grocery shopper. "So how 'bout your favorite animal?"
"I don't know, a giraffe" I answered, exasperated.
"Why?"
"They're tall and they eat leaves," I replied in that tone you all know so well.
"Oh come on, your favorite color and your favorite animal say a lot about you psychologically."
"Ohhh, so what's your favorite animal?" I asked, thinking, are we in first grade?
"A LION," he responded proudly.
"Why?"
"I can't tell you that."
"Why can't you tell me why you like lions but I have to give you reason why I like giraffes?" I'm annoyed with this little jerk by now.
"Because it would reveal the psychology behind my questions."
"Ohhhhh, okay, I see."
"So what's your favorite kind of music?"
"My favorite kind of music or my favorite musical group?" I asked, just to clarify.
"No, your favorite kind of music."
"I like eighties music I guess, it really depends on what I feel like listening to." I had just
finished a Cure marathon in my car that morning.
"Eighties music, huh? Like who?"
"Journey, The Cure, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar."
"Who's that?"
At this point I am shocked. "What?"
"I've heard of Pat Benatar. Is that a guy or a girl?"
I couldn't help but laugh at this point, "a girl" I answered. "Were you even alive in the eighties?" Now granted I wasn't old enough to really enjoy classic eighties rock in its prime, but I remember the aftermath.
"No, I'm fifteen," he answered sarcastically, then darted off to pawn another coupon book. "I see how it is, I see exactly how it is, egggszackly."
I guess he couldn't come up with anymore psychologically revealing questions for me, so I called my dad and asked him to come pick me up. Let's face it, I wasn't going to get that third interview anyway, only people who like predatory animals are successful in the coupon book selling business.
I arrived promptly at 11:30 looking very sharp in my black suit, ready to tackle the day and prove my worth to the company. I met the corporate trainer I would be following for the day and he questioned me about my previous job experience as we walked to his car. Once outside I met a new trainee on her first day who also accompanied us. The observation day begins as we take of in search of businesses. As we drive the trainer asks me questions about marketing, obviously trying to demonstrate that his knowledge and expertise are superior to my own. I let me believe he is right by responding with interested noises, "hmmm," "uh huh," "ohh." We drive around for about 15 minutes until we find a strip mall with three of our clients. We park, the trainer hands me two coupon books and we're off. We walk in to the first business, a Fantastic Sams. The trainer immediately begins his spiel, not to petition the business owner to participate in raising money to sponspor a local wheelchair basketball league, but to purchase a coupon book! As I listen I begin to realize that I am observing a high school fundraiser masked as "marketing" job. We walk in to nearly every business in the strip mall selling coupon books.
Around 2pm we break for lunch. Graciously, the trainer buys my sandwich and procedes to outline the business model, pay scale and promotional hierarchy, guaranteeing that I too can open my own marketing firm in just one year, making six digits and retire before I'm thirty. I'm thinking that I'm much closer to thirty than this kid, and I did not spend six years getting two degrees to sell coupon books. I made the mistake of mentioning that I am waiting on a government job that will send me overseas, and the trainer interjected several times that mangement/ownership of my own marketing firm is probably not where I'm headed in their company since I'm looking for somthing temporary.
After lunch we got back in the car and headed toward our next event: a "setup." We arrived at a local grocery store, unloaded a card table, a stack of coupon books, and headed toward the entrance. For the next few hours we harrassed people as they came out of the grocery store to purchase coupon books. After a few minutes the trainer called me from behind the concrete post that I was strategically placed behind (so as not to be in anyone's way), to get me to participate and ask me some more questions. He began with, "what's your favorite movie?"
"The Princess Bride." I replied.
"So you really like chick flicks, huh? You probably really liked The Devil Wears Prada. That was the only chick flick I really liked. You seem like an Anne Hathaway fan. So what's it about?"
I realized that he thought my favorite movie is Princess Diaries. Of course I began to correct him. "The Princess Bride. It's a classic action, adventure, comedy that came out in the late eighties with Billy Crystal, Andre the Giant, Robin Wright Penn, Carey Elwes."
"Who?" He looked at me, brow furrowed then quickly rushed to shove his coupon book in a woman's face as she attempted to avoid eye contact and lug her armload of groceries to her car.
"So, what's your favorite color?" he began his interrogation again.
"Red" I replied.
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why?" I ask. "I just like it. It's bright, cheerful, pretty."
"You can't just like a color because it's pretty. Why do you like red?" he asked before he jumped in front of another wary grocery shopper. "So how 'bout your favorite animal?"
"I don't know, a giraffe" I answered, exasperated.
"Why?"
"They're tall and they eat leaves," I replied in that tone you all know so well.
"Oh come on, your favorite color and your favorite animal say a lot about you psychologically."
"Ohhh, so what's your favorite animal?" I asked, thinking, are we in first grade?
"A LION," he responded proudly.
"Why?"
"I can't tell you that."
"Why can't you tell me why you like lions but I have to give you reason why I like giraffes?" I'm annoyed with this little jerk by now.
"Because it would reveal the psychology behind my questions."
"Ohhhhh, okay, I see."
"So what's your favorite kind of music?"
"My favorite kind of music or my favorite musical group?" I asked, just to clarify.
"No, your favorite kind of music."
"I like eighties music I guess, it really depends on what I feel like listening to." I had just
finished a Cure marathon in my car that morning.
"Eighties music, huh? Like who?"
"Journey, The Cure, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar."
"Who's that?"
At this point I am shocked. "What?"
"I've heard of Pat Benatar. Is that a guy or a girl?"
I couldn't help but laugh at this point, "a girl" I answered. "Were you even alive in the eighties?" Now granted I wasn't old enough to really enjoy classic eighties rock in its prime, but I remember the aftermath.
"No, I'm fifteen," he answered sarcastically, then darted off to pawn another coupon book. "I see how it is, I see exactly how it is, egggszackly."
I guess he couldn't come up with anymore psychologically revealing questions for me, so I called my dad and asked him to come pick me up. Let's face it, I wasn't going to get that third interview anyway, only people who like predatory animals are successful in the coupon book selling business.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Fall
As excited as I am about the start of football season, I am truly sad to reach the end of this summer. Summer has never been my favorite season. I've always loved fall. Since this was the first summer I've had in several years, I really savored and enjoyed every sweaty minute of it. I went to Water World every week, laid by the pool a couple times a week, bought about a dozen sundresses, and sipped gallons of sweet tea. Although I didn't hike and camp as much as I originally planned, I enjoyed this summer. Now I feel like I belong somewhere that summer lasts a little longer. They're already predicting snow in the mountains for tomorrow.
I'm applying for grad school in California. Applications for the graduate program in Political Science at UC Berkeley are available tomorrow. I'm ready for a change of scenery and right now I'm California dreamin'. Now I just have to get in and get them to pay for it.
I'm applying for grad school in California. Applications for the graduate program in Political Science at UC Berkeley are available tomorrow. I'm ready for a change of scenery and right now I'm California dreamin'. Now I just have to get in and get them to pay for it.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Interview
I got an interview with a public relations firm in Denver! I submitted about half-a-dozen resumes over the last couple days. I didn't expect such an immediate response, but it's encouraging. I primarily applied at public relations/advertising/marketing firms. I don't know if that's what I really want, but I hope it will at least help build up my resume and lead to other career opportunities. I've realized that in some ways it doesn't matter what field I'm in or what my specific job is, as long as I am in a position to impact the organization as a whole. I look at the big picture. I care about the end product and getting the team on board to accomplish a larger goal. Through my serving experience I've learned that even if I continue working at a restaurant I would be happier in a management position. I can love what I do if I'm in charge.
I always thought I needed to do a job that contributed to a significant cause. After talking with my Dad about all of this I settled for the idea that maybe I should just work for the purpose of having an income and find other things that bring significance. Not that I'm giving up on my ultimate goal to change the world, I just have to start somewhere. For now I'm satisfied just finding a job that doesn't involve serving Chinese food.
I always thought I needed to do a job that contributed to a significant cause. After talking with my Dad about all of this I settled for the idea that maybe I should just work for the purpose of having an income and find other things that bring significance. Not that I'm giving up on my ultimate goal to change the world, I just have to start somewhere. For now I'm satisfied just finding a job that doesn't involve serving Chinese food.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Disappointment
Interesting how when everything is going well I don't feel any need to write. It's when I'm frustrated, upset, sad or confused that I really need to put my thoughts on paper. My sister and I had a brief dialogue about how suffering contributes to the creative process. She decided to stop taking anti-depressants because she felt less on them. When she's sad or angry she's more apt to be artistic. All that to say that I am yet again disappointed, frustrated and confused and thus driven to write.
I have been looking forward to teaching all summer. Classes start next Monday. I have planned my syllabus, carefully selected texts, outlined assignments, etc. all to be informed that there are not enough students enrolled in my course. I was so excited about doing something productive, something interesting, stimulating, significant. When I got the call today I wasn't even surprised. I was disappointed, but somehow I knew that it wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure if I've just become jaded over the last few months or if I just intuitively determined that the poor organization and lack of communication from the college would lead to such an outcome. Nevertheless I am, again, reminded of the sinkhole that has become my existence. Rather than being motivated to make a significant change, I am more paralyzed by what I feel to be my very bleak future.
In addition to my occupational angst I am in this endless relationship rut. I seem to attract only the wrong sort of men. I draw men who are totally wrong for me. I am not particularly attracted to anyone right now and if I am, it's only because they have indicated some interest in me. I like the attention and I don't like not getting attention. My church is starting a singles ministry. Usually I sigh and shake my head at that sort of thing, knowing that it is typically a place for people who otherwise can't get dates go to meet people of similar unfortunate circumstances. But seeing that I am one of those people who can't get a date, I think I'll check it out. My sister swears I'll meet my husband, but honestly I just hope I'll find a guy who can go out with my friends and me, have a few drinks and not stand in judgement of my lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a drugged- out party girl, I just like having a good time. Most guys I've met at church can't understand that medium of a girl with morals who will kick it at the bars on a week night. Most of all I don't like those guys at church who are just there to meet girls. I want to meet someone genuine; an authentic Christian who is there for spiritual enrichment but can have a social life. I care about important things, and I enjoy talking about them, even debating issues. But sometimes I just want to unwind and have fun. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it all, but lately that only leads to disappointment.
A few pieces of good news though: 1) I am climbing a 14'er tomorrow with my brother and his girlfriend. We're tackling Quandary Peak near Breckenridge. Should be a good time. It's my first one of the summer. I'm looking forward to the challenge. It shouldn't be too hard, but to be out in nature and standing on one of the highest points in the state will be just the cure for this ho-hum attitude. 2) I was invited by a guest at the restaurant to visit the Benziger vineyard in Glen Ellen, CA, stay in the guest house, enjoy a complimentary tasting, and a complimentary tram ride. The monetary value of all this is is irrelevant. The fact that I was invited is what matters. Anyone up for a tour of Sonoma valley? End of September is harvest season and bike rentals are cheap.
That's all for now. All in all it hasn't been a bad summer. Which could be deduced from the lack of entries of the last couple months. My sisters and I bought season passes to Water World and attended nearly every week. I have a killer tan and great bathing-suit body right now. So my whole summer wasn't a total waste. It helped me establish a more consistent workout routine. Also all the planning for my course prompted me to read a lot. I think with the return of fall and the end of the carefree days of summer I can focus more easily on what I want to accomplish and where I want to be in the upcoming year. Campaign season will be in full swing before I know it, offering a wealth of opportunities. It's only a matter of finding someone who won't mess things up too bad. I guess that's all we can ask for from national leaders these days. Ah, the voice of disappointment yet again.
I have been looking forward to teaching all summer. Classes start next Monday. I have planned my syllabus, carefully selected texts, outlined assignments, etc. all to be informed that there are not enough students enrolled in my course. I was so excited about doing something productive, something interesting, stimulating, significant. When I got the call today I wasn't even surprised. I was disappointed, but somehow I knew that it wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure if I've just become jaded over the last few months or if I just intuitively determined that the poor organization and lack of communication from the college would lead to such an outcome. Nevertheless I am, again, reminded of the sinkhole that has become my existence. Rather than being motivated to make a significant change, I am more paralyzed by what I feel to be my very bleak future.
In addition to my occupational angst I am in this endless relationship rut. I seem to attract only the wrong sort of men. I draw men who are totally wrong for me. I am not particularly attracted to anyone right now and if I am, it's only because they have indicated some interest in me. I like the attention and I don't like not getting attention. My church is starting a singles ministry. Usually I sigh and shake my head at that sort of thing, knowing that it is typically a place for people who otherwise can't get dates go to meet people of similar unfortunate circumstances. But seeing that I am one of those people who can't get a date, I think I'll check it out. My sister swears I'll meet my husband, but honestly I just hope I'll find a guy who can go out with my friends and me, have a few drinks and not stand in judgement of my lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a drugged- out party girl, I just like having a good time. Most guys I've met at church can't understand that medium of a girl with morals who will kick it at the bars on a week night. Most of all I don't like those guys at church who are just there to meet girls. I want to meet someone genuine; an authentic Christian who is there for spiritual enrichment but can have a social life. I care about important things, and I enjoy talking about them, even debating issues. But sometimes I just want to unwind and have fun. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it all, but lately that only leads to disappointment.
A few pieces of good news though: 1) I am climbing a 14'er tomorrow with my brother and his girlfriend. We're tackling Quandary Peak near Breckenridge. Should be a good time. It's my first one of the summer. I'm looking forward to the challenge. It shouldn't be too hard, but to be out in nature and standing on one of the highest points in the state will be just the cure for this ho-hum attitude. 2) I was invited by a guest at the restaurant to visit the Benziger vineyard in Glen Ellen, CA, stay in the guest house, enjoy a complimentary tasting, and a complimentary tram ride. The monetary value of all this is is irrelevant. The fact that I was invited is what matters. Anyone up for a tour of Sonoma valley? End of September is harvest season and bike rentals are cheap.
That's all for now. All in all it hasn't been a bad summer. Which could be deduced from the lack of entries of the last couple months. My sisters and I bought season passes to Water World and attended nearly every week. I have a killer tan and great bathing-suit body right now. So my whole summer wasn't a total waste. It helped me establish a more consistent workout routine. Also all the planning for my course prompted me to read a lot. I think with the return of fall and the end of the carefree days of summer I can focus more easily on what I want to accomplish and where I want to be in the upcoming year. Campaign season will be in full swing before I know it, offering a wealth of opportunities. It's only a matter of finding someone who won't mess things up too bad. I guess that's all we can ask for from national leaders these days. Ah, the voice of disappointment yet again.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Motivation
I've realized lately that I need to build more adventures into my life. As a perpetual non-planner this is much harder than it sounds. I have always been of the persuasion that the best adventures are spontaneous. Now that I don't have a car and I don't have partners in crime that can pick up and go at the drop of a hat, I have to actually PLAN (a four letter word). I want to do so many things this summer and if I just continue on my daily grind it will just fly by. Originally I wanted to summit 7 14'ers this summer. That was before I lost my mode of transportation and climbing partner. If I get two under my belt I'll be happy.
It's not just this summer though. There are so many things I want to do in general and I don't want time to just pass me by the way it has the last 8 months.
In order to better preserve my youth, health, and happiness I have decided that when my lease runs out in March I am going to pack up and hike the AT. It's something I've wanted to do for years and I can't think of a better time or opportunity than next spring. The timing is perfect. I want to go back to school next fall and if I start hiking at the beginning of April I'll be finished by the end of July/beginning of August. I'm really looking forward to leaving everything behind and living only on what I can carry in my own pack. I hate feeling weighed down. Lately I've just felt stuck. I have too many responsibilities and too little freedom. Maybe I should interpret that statement: I have too many bills and too little money. For some reason that translates into having too many obligations to frivolous things. I just want to leave it all behind. So hiking the AT is my solution.
For the first time in months I feel like I have something to look forward to. I have a finish line, a point in time when things will change. Deadlines are motivating to me. Some people don't work well under pressure; I only work well under pressure. I need that deadline or else possibilities are endless and I can behave as though I have all of eternity to accomplish anything.
It's not just this summer though. There are so many things I want to do in general and I don't want time to just pass me by the way it has the last 8 months.
In order to better preserve my youth, health, and happiness I have decided that when my lease runs out in March I am going to pack up and hike the AT. It's something I've wanted to do for years and I can't think of a better time or opportunity than next spring. The timing is perfect. I want to go back to school next fall and if I start hiking at the beginning of April I'll be finished by the end of July/beginning of August. I'm really looking forward to leaving everything behind and living only on what I can carry in my own pack. I hate feeling weighed down. Lately I've just felt stuck. I have too many responsibilities and too little freedom. Maybe I should interpret that statement: I have too many bills and too little money. For some reason that translates into having too many obligations to frivolous things. I just want to leave it all behind. So hiking the AT is my solution.
For the first time in months I feel like I have something to look forward to. I have a finish line, a point in time when things will change. Deadlines are motivating to me. Some people don't work well under pressure; I only work well under pressure. I need that deadline or else possibilities are endless and I can behave as though I have all of eternity to accomplish anything.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
The Dumbing Down of Love
Sometimes love underwhelms me; more often than it overwhelms me. I would really like to be pleasantly surprised by love and the people who love me. It doesn't happen nearly often enough. Underwhelm is an understatement. Disappoint is more appropriate. I give and I give and I work so hard and invest so much into people and time after time I am let down. Perhaps I am just a romantic about my relationships. I expect and hope that they will last forever. Then I feel foolish just a few months later for putting so much effort into it. It makes me not want to even be involved with people anymore. It's not a very profitable investment. Not that every relationship I develop is for the purpose of gaining something. But really, isn't that what the point of relationships are in the first place; some mutual benefit? I try to pour into people and I feel like I give so much and all I feel like nobody even recognizes that I care about them. I have a friend that I have maintained a relationship with for over 8 years. Just a few weeks ago he made the comment that he had no idea that I cared about him until a couple months ago. What's wrong with this? Is it my inability to communicate that I love someone? Probably. I'm not shy, but I am modest about my emotions. I don't like being exposed. I have to be very comfortable with someone and build a long history of trust before I can directly tell them that I love them.
That I Would Be Good
I think every woman wants to be wanted even at her worst. To be known and loved, not just loved but adored, when she is all those things she's told she's not supposed to be. It's interesting to me what society tells us we're supposed to be and what is acceptable behavior. Women are supposed to be so many different things: young, thin, smart (but not too smart), funny, successful (but not more than "him), independent (but not closed off), confident and self-assured (but never cocky), in control (but never controlling), kind, compassionate, courageous (but still in need of rescue), sexy (but not sexual), passionate (but not demanding). . . the list goes on. Why can't I be who I am and still be loved, even when I am who I'm not supposed to be?
I so often hear my girl friends talk about their fears in relating to men. Most commonly they express fear in being "too clingy" or scaring him away by becoming emotionally attached too quickly. I believe that you really have to be wise in protecting your heart and that there is infinite value in not giving too much away too quickly - physically and emotionally. Here's the problem to me: How can anyone expect to be physically involved with someone and not emotionally? Not only do I think it's impossible, but it's unhealthy. It's sick to be so disconnected from yourself that you can be with someone, even if it's under the pretenses of a casual encounter, that you either ignore, deny or rationalize away your emotional involvement. It's preposterous to expect a person to be able to compartmentalize their emotions from their physical being in such a way. So if a girl is afraid of being "too clingy" it sounds ridiculous to me. Why is it unacceptable for a girl to desire or even demand attention from a guy that she has been physically involved with? I have a hard time believing that any self-respecting woman could be with a guy and never expect anything from him. The entire culture of dating and female-male relationships is so unbalanced and unhealthy. I know beautiful, smart, successful women who are reduced to whiney, nervous, insecure girls because "he never called," and the guy brags about it to his friends and walks away feeling like a champ, zero responsibility. Maybe men don't respect women because women don't often demand respect. For some reason feeling loved is more important than being respected. So women bend over backwards, disrupt their lives and put everything else on hold to feel loved and men are not required to be a pursuer or even an equal participant. How do we correct this problem though? I'm starting by doing away with the notion that a girl can be "too clingy" after being involved with a guy. I'm demanding the attention and respect that I deserve before giving a part of myself to someone. I'm worth that and I'm waiting for a man who recognizes that and adores me even when I'm at my "worst."
I so often hear my girl friends talk about their fears in relating to men. Most commonly they express fear in being "too clingy" or scaring him away by becoming emotionally attached too quickly. I believe that you really have to be wise in protecting your heart and that there is infinite value in not giving too much away too quickly - physically and emotionally. Here's the problem to me: How can anyone expect to be physically involved with someone and not emotionally? Not only do I think it's impossible, but it's unhealthy. It's sick to be so disconnected from yourself that you can be with someone, even if it's under the pretenses of a casual encounter, that you either ignore, deny or rationalize away your emotional involvement. It's preposterous to expect a person to be able to compartmentalize their emotions from their physical being in such a way. So if a girl is afraid of being "too clingy" it sounds ridiculous to me. Why is it unacceptable for a girl to desire or even demand attention from a guy that she has been physically involved with? I have a hard time believing that any self-respecting woman could be with a guy and never expect anything from him. The entire culture of dating and female-male relationships is so unbalanced and unhealthy. I know beautiful, smart, successful women who are reduced to whiney, nervous, insecure girls because "he never called," and the guy brags about it to his friends and walks away feeling like a champ, zero responsibility. Maybe men don't respect women because women don't often demand respect. For some reason feeling loved is more important than being respected. So women bend over backwards, disrupt their lives and put everything else on hold to feel loved and men are not required to be a pursuer or even an equal participant. How do we correct this problem though? I'm starting by doing away with the notion that a girl can be "too clingy" after being involved with a guy. I'm demanding the attention and respect that I deserve before giving a part of myself to someone. I'm worth that and I'm waiting for a man who recognizes that and adores me even when I'm at my "worst."
Monday, May 07, 2007
Medical Clearance
I finally, finally, finally, got my medical clearance for the US State Department! After a year of doctors, tests, needles, ridiculous diagnoses, and utter frustration, I have an unlimited medical clearance.
Pretty funny how the background check/security clearance took no more than 6 weeks after all my traveling and moving but the medical clearance took nearly a year when I've never been sick. The whole process really tested my limits, not to mention my faith. Now that I'm an eligible candidate and moving forward to start my dream job it's easy to believe that God had some purpose in making me wait. Looking back over the last few months I have totally given up in so many ways. I doubted God's sovereignty and love. I let the disappointment and frustration get the best of me.
At the same time though I had just reached a point where I was okay with doing something else. I signed a lease, took a teaching job for the 2007/2008 academic year and decided to get out of the holding pattern. I determined to take advantage of my current circumstances and enjoy the time and relationships I have now rather than focusing only on the next step. I've always been so goal oriented and visionary that I have often neglected the present. I wait for the next big event to occur before I can really start living. I focus on how much better my life will be once I have ____. For the last two years all I have been able to think about is how fabulous my life will be once I am in the Foreign Service, living overseas, doing a job I love, serving my country, making a good salary, traveling, etc. So for me to take a step to make the most of "now" is significant. Now everything is up in the air again. I could get an assignment anytime in the next 18 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited. It's just funny how things work.
Pretty funny how the background check/security clearance took no more than 6 weeks after all my traveling and moving but the medical clearance took nearly a year when I've never been sick. The whole process really tested my limits, not to mention my faith. Now that I'm an eligible candidate and moving forward to start my dream job it's easy to believe that God had some purpose in making me wait. Looking back over the last few months I have totally given up in so many ways. I doubted God's sovereignty and love. I let the disappointment and frustration get the best of me.
At the same time though I had just reached a point where I was okay with doing something else. I signed a lease, took a teaching job for the 2007/2008 academic year and decided to get out of the holding pattern. I determined to take advantage of my current circumstances and enjoy the time and relationships I have now rather than focusing only on the next step. I've always been so goal oriented and visionary that I have often neglected the present. I wait for the next big event to occur before I can really start living. I focus on how much better my life will be once I have ____. For the last two years all I have been able to think about is how fabulous my life will be once I am in the Foreign Service, living overseas, doing a job I love, serving my country, making a good salary, traveling, etc. So for me to take a step to make the most of "now" is significant. Now everything is up in the air again. I could get an assignment anytime in the next 18 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited. It's just funny how things work.
In the Mirror
This weekend I got a reminder of where I've been. My best friend from high school got married in Orlando. I haven't been back in at least 5 or 6 years. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I was dreading going back. I was attacked by fear and anxiety of seeing people and places that I did not want to see. Much of it was a fear of having an emotional reaction that I didn't want to have. I hated the fact that after so many years I could still be hurting. I thought I had gotten over it, I had forgiven and healed and I haven't been affected in years. The prospect of running into people who had hurt me so deeply was enough to reduce me to emotional wreckage. How would I feel when I saw them? What would I say? What would they say? Would they still stand in judgment of me through tight smiles? I began to panic.
Ever since the Spring of my senior year of high school I have been determined to become someone significant. At first it was an "I'll show them" attitude. I quickly realized that I am someone significant and that I deserve respect. I have always been hard working, smart, charming, bright and kind. Making mistakes doesn't eliminate all those aspects of my character. We all make mistakes and the measure of a woman is demonstrated by her ability to recover from those mistakes and use her circumstances to her advantage. I am a woman of courage and integrity and I should not let anyone make me feel otherwise. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them." I took that on as my motto this weekend and determined to celebrate my friend's wedding regardless of the condescending stares.
Overall I think that this weekend destroyed some spiritual strongholds in my life. I think Satan was using lies and fear to keep me trapped. Once I arrived in Orlando and began interacting with past acquaintances again I realized that I had no reason to be afraid. Most people were happy to see me and impressed with all I have accomplished. It ended up being a very encouraging weekend after all. Not that I plan on taking regular vacations to Orlando, but I feel like I conquered something and that a little light penetrated the darkness. I needed to look in the rear view mirror to remind me of where I've been, where I'm going, and who I am. With that glance Orlando doesn't hold as much of the oppressive spirit that it did a week ago. I'm thankful. Thankful that I had the strength to go, face my fear and come out encouraged. Perhaps I never had anything to fear, but as the other Roosevelt said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."
Ever since the Spring of my senior year of high school I have been determined to become someone significant. At first it was an "I'll show them" attitude. I quickly realized that I am someone significant and that I deserve respect. I have always been hard working, smart, charming, bright and kind. Making mistakes doesn't eliminate all those aspects of my character. We all make mistakes and the measure of a woman is demonstrated by her ability to recover from those mistakes and use her circumstances to her advantage. I am a woman of courage and integrity and I should not let anyone make me feel otherwise. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them." I took that on as my motto this weekend and determined to celebrate my friend's wedding regardless of the condescending stares.
Overall I think that this weekend destroyed some spiritual strongholds in my life. I think Satan was using lies and fear to keep me trapped. Once I arrived in Orlando and began interacting with past acquaintances again I realized that I had no reason to be afraid. Most people were happy to see me and impressed with all I have accomplished. It ended up being a very encouraging weekend after all. Not that I plan on taking regular vacations to Orlando, but I feel like I conquered something and that a little light penetrated the darkness. I needed to look in the rear view mirror to remind me of where I've been, where I'm going, and who I am. With that glance Orlando doesn't hold as much of the oppressive spirit that it did a week ago. I'm thankful. Thankful that I had the strength to go, face my fear and come out encouraged. Perhaps I never had anything to fear, but as the other Roosevelt said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Playing the Field Redux
I came across an old post that I never published. After reading it again I had to post it because I find myself in the same position yet again. It just goes to show that all that time I thought I was learning and growing I was really running in circles. It's a little frustrating. Same story new characters. The situtation has intesified over the last couple months though and I'm just more confused than ever.
I hate being in the position of wanting to be with someone I can't be with or wanting to be with someone who doesn't share that desire. I'm frustrated with distance and I'm frustrated by proximity. The person I would like to spend more time with lives a thousand miles away and the person I would like to get the farthest away from works next door.
Speaking of distance. . . I'm attending a wedding next weekend. An old friend from high school is getting married in Orlando. Usually I would be really excited about a wedding and seeing old friends, etc. This time I'm just nervous and kind of dreading it. Not that I'm not exctited for my friend, I'm thrilled for her and really proud, in a strange way. I've known her for so long and to see her all grown up and getting married, anyway. So I haven't been back to Orlando in years. And any time I spent there while I was in college was brief and uncomfortable. News of an old boyfriend who has moved back to Orlando added to my anxiety about the wedding. After high school any time I went to Orlando I lived in fear of running into him somewhere or seeing a friend of his or even hearing his name mentioned. It feels petty and young but all these fears have bombarded me again. I'm just not in a position right now to deal with that. My arsenal is empty and I'm heading into a battle zone with only my wits.
I hate being in the position of wanting to be with someone I can't be with or wanting to be with someone who doesn't share that desire. I'm frustrated with distance and I'm frustrated by proximity. The person I would like to spend more time with lives a thousand miles away and the person I would like to get the farthest away from works next door.
Speaking of distance. . . I'm attending a wedding next weekend. An old friend from high school is getting married in Orlando. Usually I would be really excited about a wedding and seeing old friends, etc. This time I'm just nervous and kind of dreading it. Not that I'm not exctited for my friend, I'm thrilled for her and really proud, in a strange way. I've known her for so long and to see her all grown up and getting married, anyway. So I haven't been back to Orlando in years. And any time I spent there while I was in college was brief and uncomfortable. News of an old boyfriend who has moved back to Orlando added to my anxiety about the wedding. After high school any time I went to Orlando I lived in fear of running into him somewhere or seeing a friend of his or even hearing his name mentioned. It feels petty and young but all these fears have bombarded me again. I'm just not in a position right now to deal with that. My arsenal is empty and I'm heading into a battle zone with only my wits.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Random Questions
At least twice in the last few weeks I've been accused of "choosing my words very carefully." I've never considered myself a very guarded person, but I guess I am careful about what I let people know about me. It's self preservation. Is this a sign that I don't trust people? I am not of the mindset that everyone is "out to get me." But I am selective about with who I want to be emotionally vulnerable. Funny thing is I haven't been very choosy about with who I am physically vulnerable. Why does a physical bond with someone seem much safer than an emotional bond? In reality physical intimacy is much more dangerous. I don't want to open myself up to a lot of pain and hassle, but I still want to be close to people. This is the reason I love answering/asking random questions. It feels like a casual way for people to get to know me. Perhaps that's why we all enjoy those online quizzes that we post on our myspace/facebook profiles.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I need a Kit-Kat
Remember the old commercial; it came on during the Cosby show. It had a catchy little tune: "Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of the Kit-Kat Bar." Right now, no candy bar could give me the break I need.
Have you ever felt like you're living a nightmare? Maybe you've had one of those dreams, early in the morning, between waking and sleeping, where the people, situations, conversations and locations seem so real, but at the same time, not right. This is my existence right now. I have perfectly normal interactions with people, I even have fun. The day to day of life is pretty great. But there's this overarching "wrongness." I can't pinpoint it, or even describe it well.
Lately, everything has gone wrong. Not in the I-spilled-my-coffee, wrecked my car, or my boyfriend dumped me kind of way. I mean in the, I've lost everything that's important to me kind of way. Granted, the people I care about are still around, but everything I've worked for has slowly slipped away over the last few months. It's like trying to hold water in a sieve.
I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful. It has always worked. I work hard, I get what I want. I set out to meet a goal, I take the necessary steps to achieve it. Success has come fairly easily to me. Lately though, the only thing preventing me from getting what I want is completely out of my control.
It really makes me angry at first. Really angry. Angry at God mostly. Why has my life been so hard? Why, if he is sovereign, do these horrible things keep happening to me? Why, if he loves me, does he let such painful things prevent me from living the abundant life I thought he had planned for me? My first conclusion is that he really doesn't love me at all. But I know right away that's a lie. My experience has always been that God does love me. All good things in my life have been a direct blessing from Him. My second conclusion then, is that God has misled or deceived me. Why did he lead me to believe that he had specific things he wanted me to accomplish and a certain path he wanted me to take. All the roadsigns where there, the path was lit, the way was clear. Now that path has put me at a dead end, the forest is closing in around me and all the trees look the same. This can't be right either. The God I know is Truth. He is incapable of deception. My third conclusion then, is that God really isn't sovereign. He's not in control of my circumstances and even if he did love me and did have certain plans for me, he is incapable of orchestrating my circumstances to make things work. So where does this leave me? I can't believe that God a) doesn't love me, b) is deceitful, or c) is powerless. It must not be a problem with God then. It must be a problem in how I view God. I have to go on what I know to be true about the character of God and trust that he does love me and he does have good things for me. Maybe things aren't going the way I want or expected them too. There has to be an alternative plan that I can't see right now.
It's easy to trust God when life is easy. It's much harder when nothing makes sense and everything is falling apart at the seams. I'm just not sure how many more disappointments I can handle at this point. Give me a break. . .
Have you ever felt like you're living a nightmare? Maybe you've had one of those dreams, early in the morning, between waking and sleeping, where the people, situations, conversations and locations seem so real, but at the same time, not right. This is my existence right now. I have perfectly normal interactions with people, I even have fun. The day to day of life is pretty great. But there's this overarching "wrongness." I can't pinpoint it, or even describe it well.
Lately, everything has gone wrong. Not in the I-spilled-my-coffee, wrecked my car, or my boyfriend dumped me kind of way. I mean in the, I've lost everything that's important to me kind of way. Granted, the people I care about are still around, but everything I've worked for has slowly slipped away over the last few months. It's like trying to hold water in a sieve.
I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful. It has always worked. I work hard, I get what I want. I set out to meet a goal, I take the necessary steps to achieve it. Success has come fairly easily to me. Lately though, the only thing preventing me from getting what I want is completely out of my control.
It really makes me angry at first. Really angry. Angry at God mostly. Why has my life been so hard? Why, if he is sovereign, do these horrible things keep happening to me? Why, if he loves me, does he let such painful things prevent me from living the abundant life I thought he had planned for me? My first conclusion is that he really doesn't love me at all. But I know right away that's a lie. My experience has always been that God does love me. All good things in my life have been a direct blessing from Him. My second conclusion then, is that God has misled or deceived me. Why did he lead me to believe that he had specific things he wanted me to accomplish and a certain path he wanted me to take. All the roadsigns where there, the path was lit, the way was clear. Now that path has put me at a dead end, the forest is closing in around me and all the trees look the same. This can't be right either. The God I know is Truth. He is incapable of deception. My third conclusion then, is that God really isn't sovereign. He's not in control of my circumstances and even if he did love me and did have certain plans for me, he is incapable of orchestrating my circumstances to make things work. So where does this leave me? I can't believe that God a) doesn't love me, b) is deceitful, or c) is powerless. It must not be a problem with God then. It must be a problem in how I view God. I have to go on what I know to be true about the character of God and trust that he does love me and he does have good things for me. Maybe things aren't going the way I want or expected them too. There has to be an alternative plan that I can't see right now.
It's easy to trust God when life is easy. It's much harder when nothing makes sense and everything is falling apart at the seams. I'm just not sure how many more disappointments I can handle at this point. Give me a break. . .
Monday, January 29, 2007
Attitude Adjustment
I can't say that the last few months have gone exactly as I had hoped. It's become easy for me to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I've always thought of myself as a positive person with the ability to push through disappointment with a smile on my face. Lately this quality has been put to the test.
My favorite movie growing up was The Princess Bride. In the midst of a sword fight, "Dread Pirate Roberts" tells Inigo Montoya to "get used to disappointment." I don't think I ever recognized the tragedy in this statement until recently.
I hate the fact that I'm beginning to accept disappointment as a way of life. Perhaps it sounds naive, but I have always sustained the belief that things work out for good. I know God is sovereign and until lately I've little trouble believing that He has my best interests in mind. Maybe I've had doubts at times, but never have I been so thoroughly frustrated for an extended period of time.
It's time for an attitude adjustment.
Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about how I use my resources and the opportunities I have to leverage eternal outcomes. The pastor at the church I've been attending has been talking about money management and stewardship lately. I am most often inclined to be quite selfish with how I use my time, money and energy. One idea that has stuck with me is that the only way to overcome greed is to put someone else's needs above my own. I think this is true with any other kind of selfishness. My self-pity and absorption with my disappointment can only be overcome by putting other people's needs before my own. I've often read that the best way to beat depression is to help someone else. It's common to compare oneself to all the people in better circumstances, but I never compare myself to someone who's worse-off. So I'm committing my time and resources to improving others' situations.
Am I ignoring my problems? Maybe. Maybe I'm just coping. I do know that I'm not willing to "get used to disappointment." I have to trust that God is sovereign and that in spite of things not going the way I planned, I am still on an incredible adventure that will end in "Happily Ever After."
My favorite movie growing up was The Princess Bride. In the midst of a sword fight, "Dread Pirate Roberts" tells Inigo Montoya to "get used to disappointment." I don't think I ever recognized the tragedy in this statement until recently.
I hate the fact that I'm beginning to accept disappointment as a way of life. Perhaps it sounds naive, but I have always sustained the belief that things work out for good. I know God is sovereign and until lately I've little trouble believing that He has my best interests in mind. Maybe I've had doubts at times, but never have I been so thoroughly frustrated for an extended period of time.
It's time for an attitude adjustment.
Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about how I use my resources and the opportunities I have to leverage eternal outcomes. The pastor at the church I've been attending has been talking about money management and stewardship lately. I am most often inclined to be quite selfish with how I use my time, money and energy. One idea that has stuck with me is that the only way to overcome greed is to put someone else's needs above my own. I think this is true with any other kind of selfishness. My self-pity and absorption with my disappointment can only be overcome by putting other people's needs before my own. I've often read that the best way to beat depression is to help someone else. It's common to compare oneself to all the people in better circumstances, but I never compare myself to someone who's worse-off. So I'm committing my time and resources to improving others' situations.
Am I ignoring my problems? Maybe. Maybe I'm just coping. I do know that I'm not willing to "get used to disappointment." I have to trust that God is sovereign and that in spite of things not going the way I planned, I am still on an incredible adventure that will end in "Happily Ever After."
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Settling In
After three months at home, I've realized that this is going to be more long-term than I orginally expected. I've run into more complications with my Medical Clearance for the State Department. Which, to anyone who knows me is completely ridiculous. I've never been sick a day in my life. I've caught a flu or a cold, but nothing that I ever had to miss a day of school or work over. But apparently, I have TB. This is nothing new. I've had at least three positive TB skin tests over the years, but always a negative chest x-ray and never a sign of active TB. I was probably exposed to it when I was younger and it never leaves your system. So now, I'm probably going to have to complete 6-9 months of inconvenient treatment before I'm cleared for overseas employment. That's not even the worst of it though. This spring, after multiple blood tests, it turns out that I'm not producing enough neutrophils (bacteria-fighting white blood cells). Neutropenia is usually a symptom of lymphoma or leukemia; of which, I have neither. What really gets me is that in all my traveling I have always been the one who stayed healthy. I have never gotten any kind of bacterial infection, ameoba, parasite, nothing. It's just so frustrating that they received these test results nearly 8 months ago and are just now taking notice. I've been in pre-employment screening for almost a year now. Actually almost two years ago to the day, I decided that I wanted a career in the Foreign Service. I never thought I would still be waiting. Even two months ago, I thought for sure I would be packing my bags by January. I refused to settle in here and accept that I might be living at home for more than a few months. Now I guess I have to face the truth. So what do I want to accomplish here? How am I going to best use my time in Colorado? What's my next move in terms of advancing my career while I wait for my job to come through? I'm sure working at P.F. Chang's isn't going to get me very far.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Playing the Field
Let me preface this by saying that as a Christian I am truly interested in treating all men with respect, kindness, and in a way that acknowledges the fact that they are created in the image of God and have an eternal soul and a vulnerable heart. Now, I'm going to reveal the selfishness of my natural state that usually takes over when I deal with men.
I need an offensive coordinator for my love-life. Someone to needs teach me to read the defense and know when to use a screen pass to gain a few yards or throw a hail mary for the end-zone.
My entire adolescent and adult love life has consisted of two different situations: 1)trying to figure out how to make a specific guy like me, and getting/keeping his attention without making him think I'm going to sleep with him; and 2)trying to make a specific guy that I'm not interested in know that I'm not interested without being hurtful or unkind. Right now I'm experiencing both situations, but the first one to a greater degree than the second. First, the guy I really like isn't interested in me beyond the fact that I'm a girl and he just really likes girls in general. Why can't I just forget about this guy and find someone who does appreciate me? I'm trying. So, that leads into situation two. There are about three other guys who have expressed interest in me. Do I continue to indicate interest in the guy I really like knowing that it probably won't go anywhere? Or do I casually flirt with the others, knowing that they will "take the bait"? Maybe a simpler way to phrase the question is, do I go after what I really want, or do I settle for the obtainable? Easy answer, right? Go for what you really want. Now the tricky part for me is that with guys, I don't want to be the one "going after" someone. They should be the ones in pursuit. So what's the key? How do I get a particular guy to pursue me? How do I modestly suggest that I would be open to the chase? Is it even worth my time and energy? At this point in my life, probably not. I'm not looking to get married or even get into a serious relationship right now. I wouldn't even know what to do with this guy once I caught him anyway. I think I just want to be wanted. If that's the case, any one of the interested fellows could satisfy that desire. But that's not fair to them. This puts me back into my pattern of self-imposed singledom seasoned with casual flirting and the intrigue of "what-if" with any attractive male friend.
I need an offensive coordinator for my love-life. Someone to needs teach me to read the defense and know when to use a screen pass to gain a few yards or throw a hail mary for the end-zone.
My entire adolescent and adult love life has consisted of two different situations: 1)trying to figure out how to make a specific guy like me, and getting/keeping his attention without making him think I'm going to sleep with him; and 2)trying to make a specific guy that I'm not interested in know that I'm not interested without being hurtful or unkind. Right now I'm experiencing both situations, but the first one to a greater degree than the second. First, the guy I really like isn't interested in me beyond the fact that I'm a girl and he just really likes girls in general. Why can't I just forget about this guy and find someone who does appreciate me? I'm trying. So, that leads into situation two. There are about three other guys who have expressed interest in me. Do I continue to indicate interest in the guy I really like knowing that it probably won't go anywhere? Or do I casually flirt with the others, knowing that they will "take the bait"? Maybe a simpler way to phrase the question is, do I go after what I really want, or do I settle for the obtainable? Easy answer, right? Go for what you really want. Now the tricky part for me is that with guys, I don't want to be the one "going after" someone. They should be the ones in pursuit. So what's the key? How do I get a particular guy to pursue me? How do I modestly suggest that I would be open to the chase? Is it even worth my time and energy? At this point in my life, probably not. I'm not looking to get married or even get into a serious relationship right now. I wouldn't even know what to do with this guy once I caught him anyway. I think I just want to be wanted. If that's the case, any one of the interested fellows could satisfy that desire. But that's not fair to them. This puts me back into my pattern of self-imposed singledom seasoned with casual flirting and the intrigue of "what-if" with any attractive male friend.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Waiting
I've only seen part of the movie "Waiting," and I really didn't like it. Actually, I was so disgusted that I intentionally avoided watching it even though it was showing in the same room. Now that I'm working in a restaurant again, I think I get it a little better. Fortunately we don't have quite the stereotypes as portrayed in the film, but there are a few I'd like to add. You'll have to forgive any duplications, because, like I said I tried really hard not to watch it.
Angry guy: Guy who complains about everything. If he doesn't get a table quick enough, he's mad. If he gets a table too quickly, he gets mad. If he has too few people at a table, he complains. If he has too many people at a table, he complains. If the food comes out too quick, he's mad. If it comes out too slow, he's mad. If the cute hostess doesn't talk to him, he's mad. . .yea, I don't think he gets mad if she talks to him too much, but that has yet too happen (since he's always mad, no one likes talking to him). If he gets too many shifts in a week, he's mad. If he doesn't get enough shifts in a week, he's mad. I've even seen him be mad at a table for ordering too much food, and mad at a table for not ordering enough food. You get the point. And since servers drink A LOT together, he's a pretty angry drunk.
Future restaurant manager girl: This is the girl who has been working at the same restaurant in the same position since the doors opened on day one. She's the one that no one really likes except the managers. She's really sweet to everyone, but never in sincerity. She definitely knows how to play the game, and you can imagine her as Kristy Allie's character in Drop Dead Gorgeous where she would kill anyone who got in her way all while wearing an evening gown, heels, tiara, and vaseline on her smiling lips.
Anarchist guy: this guy uses the F-word to describe literally everything. He hates f-ing laws, despises f-ing politicians as corrupt f-ing pigs, talks about the f-ing military-industrial complex as if it was f-ing mold in his own f-ing basement, curses pop f-ing culture and refuses to bathe regularly or wear deoderant.
Invisible guy: He always has his shifts picked up. Never works. I don't know if anyone has actually met him other than the gut who hired him three years ago and moved into regional management status soon after. . .for some reason I don't think that's a coincidence.
Kelis (ie. Bossy): This chick knows it all and will tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how to do it right. From putting beverage napkins on the table with the restaurant logo FACING the guest at a right angle, to drizzling caramel sauce on two 3 3/4 inch scoops of ice cream in a back and forth motion starting at the right corner of the plate, this girl will tell you how to do it all.
Stressed out guy: Any sign of busy-ness attacks this guy with serious anxiety. His motto is "be like a duck, remain calm on the surface but paddle like hell under water." At a table he is the picture of poise and serenity, in the back he's dragging on his inhaler, mopping sweat from his face and dashing from appetizer line to entree line like he's running sprints at football practice.
Drunk guy: He's always drunk or getting drunk. He comes into work drunk so as not to feel the hangover from the night before and saunters over to the restaurant next door to take shots between tables.
While I'm waiting for the State Department to call, I might as well enjoy my time waiting tables. It's a good time. Stick around to learn more about the characters in my restaurant.
Angry guy: Guy who complains about everything. If he doesn't get a table quick enough, he's mad. If he gets a table too quickly, he gets mad. If he has too few people at a table, he complains. If he has too many people at a table, he complains. If the food comes out too quick, he's mad. If it comes out too slow, he's mad. If the cute hostess doesn't talk to him, he's mad. . .yea, I don't think he gets mad if she talks to him too much, but that has yet too happen (since he's always mad, no one likes talking to him). If he gets too many shifts in a week, he's mad. If he doesn't get enough shifts in a week, he's mad. I've even seen him be mad at a table for ordering too much food, and mad at a table for not ordering enough food. You get the point. And since servers drink A LOT together, he's a pretty angry drunk.
Future restaurant manager girl: This is the girl who has been working at the same restaurant in the same position since the doors opened on day one. She's the one that no one really likes except the managers. She's really sweet to everyone, but never in sincerity. She definitely knows how to play the game, and you can imagine her as Kristy Allie's character in Drop Dead Gorgeous where she would kill anyone who got in her way all while wearing an evening gown, heels, tiara, and vaseline on her smiling lips.
Anarchist guy: this guy uses the F-word to describe literally everything. He hates f-ing laws, despises f-ing politicians as corrupt f-ing pigs, talks about the f-ing military-industrial complex as if it was f-ing mold in his own f-ing basement, curses pop f-ing culture and refuses to bathe regularly or wear deoderant.
Invisible guy: He always has his shifts picked up. Never works. I don't know if anyone has actually met him other than the gut who hired him three years ago and moved into regional management status soon after. . .for some reason I don't think that's a coincidence.
Kelis (ie. Bossy): This chick knows it all and will tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how to do it right. From putting beverage napkins on the table with the restaurant logo FACING the guest at a right angle, to drizzling caramel sauce on two 3 3/4 inch scoops of ice cream in a back and forth motion starting at the right corner of the plate, this girl will tell you how to do it all.
Stressed out guy: Any sign of busy-ness attacks this guy with serious anxiety. His motto is "be like a duck, remain calm on the surface but paddle like hell under water." At a table he is the picture of poise and serenity, in the back he's dragging on his inhaler, mopping sweat from his face and dashing from appetizer line to entree line like he's running sprints at football practice.
Drunk guy: He's always drunk or getting drunk. He comes into work drunk so as not to feel the hangover from the night before and saunters over to the restaurant next door to take shots between tables.
While I'm waiting for the State Department to call, I might as well enjoy my time waiting tables. It's a good time. Stick around to learn more about the characters in my restaurant.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Long November
Living at home with my parents has both good and bad qualities. I like not paying rent, paying utility bills and having food in the refrigerator that I didn't pay for and can eat without starting a fight. I don't like having to call home if I'm going to be later than 2, being chauffered everywhere by my dad because I don't have a car, not being able to invite people over anytime I want and not having as much space for me and all my stuff. Most of the time I'm at work so it's really okay when I'm at home. I work alot. I work almost everyday, weekends included. I have one day a week that I know I don't have to work: Thursdays. I don't work Thursdays because my Yoga class is on Thursday mornings and The Office and NCAA football are on Thursday night. Every other day I work either lunch or dinner, or both. Usually both. I like my job. I like the people I work with. It's a fun place for me to earn some money while I wait for the State Department to call me. I'm beginning to wonder when that's going to happen. I'm looking forward to being on my own again and really starting my life as an adult.
I read an interesting little article in the Denver Post this morning about 20Somethings and the new transition into adulthood. This is the first generation that hasn't jumped headlong into a full-time, life-long career right out of college. 20Somethings spend a lot more time traveling, working part-time or temporary jobs while they figure out who they are. I liked the way one of the subjects described the process: It's about trying to fit an identity to your body. I'm familiar with my body, I know what the physical part of me is about, and I'm finally at the point where I really like that part of me and am comfortable with that. But the identity part, the 'who am I and what I stand for' part of me is still fuzzy. I think part of it is about determining priorities. Up until now, my priorities have focused around friends, family and school. Now that school is done, it seems natural that career would fall in its place. It's trickier than that though. Choosing a Career is more of a process or series of decisions rather than one choice. I want to choose a career path more than just a job. Where will my job take me in 10, 15, 30 years? Is it something that will contribute to my overall goals? What are my overall goals? What steps do I need to take to achieve those? This is where I think having a good mentor comes in. Someone who knows the ropes, knows the path and can offer some guidance. Now where do I get one of those? There aren't that many women (or men for that matter) that have taken the path I want to follow. And I don't know any of them. So now what? I guess I need to start looking for jobs outside the service industry, or just hope and pray that Bill Ritter will sit at my table for lunch.
I read an interesting little article in the Denver Post this morning about 20Somethings and the new transition into adulthood. This is the first generation that hasn't jumped headlong into a full-time, life-long career right out of college. 20Somethings spend a lot more time traveling, working part-time or temporary jobs while they figure out who they are. I liked the way one of the subjects described the process: It's about trying to fit an identity to your body. I'm familiar with my body, I know what the physical part of me is about, and I'm finally at the point where I really like that part of me and am comfortable with that. But the identity part, the 'who am I and what I stand for' part of me is still fuzzy. I think part of it is about determining priorities. Up until now, my priorities have focused around friends, family and school. Now that school is done, it seems natural that career would fall in its place. It's trickier than that though. Choosing a Career is more of a process or series of decisions rather than one choice. I want to choose a career path more than just a job. Where will my job take me in 10, 15, 30 years? Is it something that will contribute to my overall goals? What are my overall goals? What steps do I need to take to achieve those? This is where I think having a good mentor comes in. Someone who knows the ropes, knows the path and can offer some guidance. Now where do I get one of those? There aren't that many women (or men for that matter) that have taken the path I want to follow. And I don't know any of them. So now what? I guess I need to start looking for jobs outside the service industry, or just hope and pray that Bill Ritter will sit at my table for lunch.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Fort Jackson, SC
After nearly 12 weeks in training at Fort Jackson, SC it feels really good to be home. I had a great summer though. It really was a good experience. Of course there were times when all I wanted was to come home, but all in all, I dare say I enjoyed it. I met some good people, learned some important lessons, and had multiple opportunities to put my moral courage to the test. I don't know if I always made the right decisions, but I made it through without any casualties. They say that a person's true character shines through in the most stressful situations. I think this summer was a test of my integrity and a test of my priorities. I realized a few things about myself and about life in general:
I am a selfish person
I am no different than anyone else, but it is only by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit working through me that I can be changed.
I only fail when I give up on myself
Success is not about the awards and distinctions, but about how you impact people
Leadership is about good decision making, but more often it's about good execution of those decisions
The only way to face fears or obstacles is head on
The only way to recover from failure is to keep moving without loss of momentum
Circumstances are much less important that character
I could probably add a few more axioms to sum up what I learned this summer, but I don't want to trivialize my experience. In hindsight everything is easy. The hard part now is taking what I learned and putting it to work for me now, in the civilian world. Now that I'm home, I feel like I'm re-entering my other life. My military life and my civilian life are like two compartmentalized beings. I really want the military me to be a greater part of my civilian life. The military me is bolder, stronger, less concerned with other people's opinions, and more willing to help people. The civilian me is pretty timid and even though I'm friendly and kind, I don't assert myself or speak up for myself. If I want to be a leader in both of those worlds, I need to incorporate my military training into my everyday life.
I am a selfish person
I am no different than anyone else, but it is only by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit working through me that I can be changed.
I only fail when I give up on myself
Success is not about the awards and distinctions, but about how you impact people
Leadership is about good decision making, but more often it's about good execution of those decisions
The only way to face fears or obstacles is head on
The only way to recover from failure is to keep moving without loss of momentum
Circumstances are much less important that character
I could probably add a few more axioms to sum up what I learned this summer, but I don't want to trivialize my experience. In hindsight everything is easy. The hard part now is taking what I learned and putting it to work for me now, in the civilian world. Now that I'm home, I feel like I'm re-entering my other life. My military life and my civilian life are like two compartmentalized beings. I really want the military me to be a greater part of my civilian life. The military me is bolder, stronger, less concerned with other people's opinions, and more willing to help people. The civilian me is pretty timid and even though I'm friendly and kind, I don't assert myself or speak up for myself. If I want to be a leader in both of those worlds, I need to incorporate my military training into my everyday life.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
"Trying to Date"
So this guy is "trying to date this girl." What does that mean? I've heard that several times from friends who have been "trying to date" a girl. Is it that difficult? I guess girls, in general, are hard to be with. I don't think I'd be hard to date at all. Why isn't anyone trying to date me? I'm easy to be with. I'm funny, smart, pretty, easy-going, I like to laugh, I'm adventurous. Why is it so hard for boys to like me? I hate the saying, "all the good ones are taken or gay," but I'm beginning to think it's true. . .
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Isn't It Ironic?
If someone were to ask me about my favorite band, I would have to say "U2," hands down - they're the best band in the history of music. While I adore Bono, the Edge, Adam and Larry, I think the musician who has had the greatest impact on my understanding of how women relate to men is Alanis Morisette. I know she's not really a great role model and songs like, "You Oughta Know," and "Right Through You" are not anthems to healthy relationships. I think that the fact that she became popular when I was first becoming interested in boys and my mom really didn't like her, had a lot to do with the fact that I claimed her as my own voice of angst and emotion. I used to sing "Head Over Feet" to my first boyfriend. When we broke up, all I wanted to listen to was "You Learn." It's fitting that "Ironic" is my current soundtrack.
I'm moving on Friday. Leaving Lawrence and not coming back for any extended period of time. It makes sense that I just met the man of my dreams.
When I first moved here in August 2004, one of my friends and mentors predicted that I would meet my husband here. I laughed it off and forgot it about. At the time I was pretty convinced that I had already met my husband, he just lived 1000 miles away and didn't quite realize that he was in love with me. I was still convinced of that until about a week ago. Now, I'm really hoping she was right.
I met this guy at my regular coffee shop. When I walked in the door, I overheard him talking about the city where I went to college. After ordering my latte, I sat down at a table next to his and tried to look consumed with my book while eavesdropping. He wasn't saying very flattering things about my city or my alma matter, so I looked over and indignantly asked if he was from there.
"I lived there for a few months. Why? Am I trashing your town?"
"Yeah, you are," I replied shyly, realizing how rude I had been.
It turns out we have a lot in common. He's spent some time in Latin America, he enjoys talking about politics, he's in law school, he's really good looking, smart and funny. He likes to camp and hike. It's really perfect. He's pretty much everything I could want. Most importantly he's a Christian.
He came to my graduation party two weeks ago. We chatted for a little while. He was one of the last to leave.
Last week I went out with a group to celebrate a friend's 8th anniversary in the US. I knew he would be there. We only talked for a few minutes but that's when I realized how much I really like him. I had been joking with my roommates about how I wanted to date him. Joke's on me though, 'cause I really want him.
And now he's helping me move tomorrow. Isn't it ironic?
I'm moving on Friday. Leaving Lawrence and not coming back for any extended period of time. It makes sense that I just met the man of my dreams.
When I first moved here in August 2004, one of my friends and mentors predicted that I would meet my husband here. I laughed it off and forgot it about. At the time I was pretty convinced that I had already met my husband, he just lived 1000 miles away and didn't quite realize that he was in love with me. I was still convinced of that until about a week ago. Now, I'm really hoping she was right.
I met this guy at my regular coffee shop. When I walked in the door, I overheard him talking about the city where I went to college. After ordering my latte, I sat down at a table next to his and tried to look consumed with my book while eavesdropping. He wasn't saying very flattering things about my city or my alma matter, so I looked over and indignantly asked if he was from there.
"I lived there for a few months. Why? Am I trashing your town?"
"Yeah, you are," I replied shyly, realizing how rude I had been.
It turns out we have a lot in common. He's spent some time in Latin America, he enjoys talking about politics, he's in law school, he's really good looking, smart and funny. He likes to camp and hike. It's really perfect. He's pretty much everything I could want. Most importantly he's a Christian.
He came to my graduation party two weeks ago. We chatted for a little while. He was one of the last to leave.
Last week I went out with a group to celebrate a friend's 8th anniversary in the US. I knew he would be there. We only talked for a few minutes but that's when I realized how much I really like him. I had been joking with my roommates about how I wanted to date him. Joke's on me though, 'cause I really want him.
And now he's helping me move tomorrow. Isn't it ironic?
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Boxes and Packing Tape
I'm moving out on Friday. Leaving Kansas for good. I'm not really sad. Like Gillian Welch, I've been in the lowlands too long. Lawrence is a really cool little town. I have some great friends here, a church that I like, a nice house, but it's just time to go. I moved here knowing that I would only stay as long as it would take to finish my MA. Now that I'm done, it's time to go. I wish I could say I was feeling sad and nostalgic, but really, I'm just feeling relieved.
It's a really nice feeling to get rid of clothes, pictures, papers, and other stuff that I just don't want any more. I want to pack as little as possible. For as long as I can remember, I've been a pack-rat. Seriously, I keep everything. Now, I think I'm just so excited about a new start and moving on to whatever's next that I feel the freedom to throw things away. I don't want any extra baggage. God only knows where I'll be next, I don't want any hinderances. If I'm going to be moving to a third-world country, I won't need every birthday card I've ever received.
I just cleaned out my closet. I think I have 1 week's worth of clothes now. And I'm totally thrilled about that. I'm going to be in training all summer so I won't need any civilian clothes or shoes. And when I get done it'll be fall, I hope to have a job and new place and money to buy a few new things.
It's cathartic to get rid of all my old stuff. I think I'm finally ready to leave college life and venture into the 'real world.' So I'm putting some stuff in frozen food and booze boxes, wrapping some tape around them and packing up this part of my life. Time for the next chapter.
It's a really nice feeling to get rid of clothes, pictures, papers, and other stuff that I just don't want any more. I want to pack as little as possible. For as long as I can remember, I've been a pack-rat. Seriously, I keep everything. Now, I think I'm just so excited about a new start and moving on to whatever's next that I feel the freedom to throw things away. I don't want any extra baggage. God only knows where I'll be next, I don't want any hinderances. If I'm going to be moving to a third-world country, I won't need every birthday card I've ever received.
I just cleaned out my closet. I think I have 1 week's worth of clothes now. And I'm totally thrilled about that. I'm going to be in training all summer so I won't need any civilian clothes or shoes. And when I get done it'll be fall, I hope to have a job and new place and money to buy a few new things.
It's cathartic to get rid of all my old stuff. I think I'm finally ready to leave college life and venture into the 'real world.' So I'm putting some stuff in frozen food and booze boxes, wrapping some tape around them and packing up this part of my life. Time for the next chapter.
Monday, April 24, 2006
This is What Blogging is Really About
http://www.myspace.com/towriteloveonherarms
I really appreciate that this guy is using free internet space to confront a serious problem in our world. I know the girl that the story is about, and I have been deeply affected by it lately. I just hope and pray To Write Love on Her Arms can help many other girls overcome their problems with addiction and depression and raise awareness to help prevent the destruction of abuse.
I really appreciate that this guy is using free internet space to confront a serious problem in our world. I know the girl that the story is about, and I have been deeply affected by it lately. I just hope and pray To Write Love on Her Arms can help many other girls overcome their problems with addiction and depression and raise awareness to help prevent the destruction of abuse.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
It's Been Awhile
Only three weeks of class, a few minor papers and presentations, and one final exam stand between me and the rest of my life.
THAT'S overwhelming!
The only thing I've ever done full time is school. It's strange to imagine doing anything else.
I'm excited about the change though. Especially since now I'm in the process of becoming a Foreign Service Officer. It's a relief to at least have SOMETHING of a plan; even if it's not a sure thing. I'm really hoping it does work out. I can't help but imagine how amazing it would be. I probably shouldn't get my hopes up or have high expectations for it though. It doesn't hurt to keep praying about it. I just really have to trust God to work things out.
THAT'S overwhelming!
The only thing I've ever done full time is school. It's strange to imagine doing anything else.
I'm excited about the change though. Especially since now I'm in the process of becoming a Foreign Service Officer. It's a relief to at least have SOMETHING of a plan; even if it's not a sure thing. I'm really hoping it does work out. I can't help but imagine how amazing it would be. I probably shouldn't get my hopes up or have high expectations for it though. It doesn't hurt to keep praying about it. I just really have to trust God to work things out.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Just as predicted . . .
I turned my thesis in today. I finished it at 4:30 this afternoon. It was due at five. Seriously, I think that I just love the thrill of meeting a deadline. I just operate best, okay, I only operate when my adrenaline gets pumping and I'm in a time crunch. I just don't understand how people can work on the same thing for weeks or even days, just doing a little bit at a time. I admit it is somewhat fulfilling to see the incremental development of a major project - I think that's the side of me that's socialized to think that incremental progress is the responsible way to accomplish tasks. What's really fulfilling though is to accomplish a major project in a short amount of time, and still do an excellent job.
I have a sticky note on my bathroom mirror that says, "The key to success is not in trying harder but in being consistent." I got it out of a marathon training book. It seemed to apply to the rest of life pretty well though. Perseverence is one of my best qualities, but consistency is not something I do, well, consistently.
I heard a story about a man who took his son to a Navy base to tour a historic battleship. After the tour, the man toook his son aside and said, "how much do you want to bet that I can move this ship with one hand?" The boy looked at his father like he was crazy and replied, "Dad you can't move that ship! It's huge!" The father put his hand on the side of the ship and started to push. He continued to push, putting his whole body weight into his one hand. He pushed for nearly half an hour and the boy was getting impatient and just as he was getting ready to throw a fit, the ship budged. "See," the father said. "I just had to be patient and keep pushing. If I had given up, all that energy would have been wasted and I wouldn't have been able to move the ship. If you had helped me push, it would have moved in half the time."
So maybe the story is more about kinetic energy than consistency, but I think it illustrates a valuable point about being persistent and continuing to push even when it looks like nothing is being accomplished. Similarly, if the man had pushed a little, stopped, pushed a little, stopped, pushed a little, stopped, the ship would not have moved either.
For me, this story is really about struggling to accomplish difficult tasks and not giving up. Actually, I'm not even really sure about how that dumb ship story relates to my problem with procrastination, but it seems to fit somehow.
I'm just not wired to work on projects bit by bit. I like having lots of diffferent things to do in a short amount of time. That's exciting. I can't throw myself into something and truly become engaged if I'm just doing little bits and pieces over a long period of time. I like to be totally absorbed in something, focus, hammer it out or mull it over, and then complete the task all in one giant sweep. That doesn't mean that I get tunnel vision and can't think about anything else. I just like to be able to get passionate about something and channel that energy into accomplishing something.
I have a sticky note on my bathroom mirror that says, "The key to success is not in trying harder but in being consistent." I got it out of a marathon training book. It seemed to apply to the rest of life pretty well though. Perseverence is one of my best qualities, but consistency is not something I do, well, consistently.
I heard a story about a man who took his son to a Navy base to tour a historic battleship. After the tour, the man toook his son aside and said, "how much do you want to bet that I can move this ship with one hand?" The boy looked at his father like he was crazy and replied, "Dad you can't move that ship! It's huge!" The father put his hand on the side of the ship and started to push. He continued to push, putting his whole body weight into his one hand. He pushed for nearly half an hour and the boy was getting impatient and just as he was getting ready to throw a fit, the ship budged. "See," the father said. "I just had to be patient and keep pushing. If I had given up, all that energy would have been wasted and I wouldn't have been able to move the ship. If you had helped me push, it would have moved in half the time."
So maybe the story is more about kinetic energy than consistency, but I think it illustrates a valuable point about being persistent and continuing to push even when it looks like nothing is being accomplished. Similarly, if the man had pushed a little, stopped, pushed a little, stopped, pushed a little, stopped, the ship would not have moved either.
For me, this story is really about struggling to accomplish difficult tasks and not giving up. Actually, I'm not even really sure about how that dumb ship story relates to my problem with procrastination, but it seems to fit somehow.
I'm just not wired to work on projects bit by bit. I like having lots of diffferent things to do in a short amount of time. That's exciting. I can't throw myself into something and truly become engaged if I'm just doing little bits and pieces over a long period of time. I like to be totally absorbed in something, focus, hammer it out or mull it over, and then complete the task all in one giant sweep. That doesn't mean that I get tunnel vision and can't think about anything else. I just like to be able to get passionate about something and channel that energy into accomplishing something.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Procrastination
I'm just one of those people that can't get things done without a deadline. Stress is a real motivator - and not in the negative way, like I have anxiety attacks or anything, but in a good way, like I can actually get work done. So you would think that with my Thesis due in less than 5 days, that would be an adequate stress trigger. But no. I'm finding plenty of other distractions. Five days is SO much time. When I get down to two days and still have four chapters left to write, then maybe I'll be able to get in gear and focus. Until then, I wonder what's new on the J. Crew website?
Monday, March 27, 2006
Foreign Service
What an incredible Spring Break! I spent the week in DC, visiting friends, seeing the sights, etc. But the central event of the trip was my Foreign Service Officer Oral Assessment. If you don't know how the selection process works for this position in the State Department, I'll try to make this quick and clear. It's a multi-step process. The first step is a written exam, given every spring. If you pass that, you get to move on to the Oral Assessment round. If you pass that, there's a security clearance/background check, a medical exam, and an optional language exam. Then, after all that, you get put on an eligible candidate list where you can wait up to 18 months for a position. If 18 months pass and you have not received an assignment, you have to reevaluate your career decision and either start the process all over again or find something else to do.
Last week, I completed and passed the Oral Assessment. Now, I'm waiting for my security clearance to go through. I don't forsee any trouble there, and the medical exam won't be a problem. My next hurdle will be passing the Spanish phone interview. I'll have to practice over the next couple months to get up to speed. That will bump me up on the eligibility list and increase my likelihood of getting an assignment. Otherwise, it's just a waiting game.
I'm really trusting God with the whole process though. I can't imagine that he would bring me this far, with so little effort on my part, for it not to work out. When I first discovered the Foreign Service last January, I had a hunch it was the right job for me. So far, it seems my intuition has been accurate. I can't take any credit for it though; all I can claim is trusting the Lord and following his direction.
More than anything, I want God to be glorified in this. I want his will to be done in my life. If it means not getting an assignment, then I just know there's something better for me. I am always amazed at how easily and smoothly things work out when I stop trying to do everything myself and just surrender all to God. He answers my prayers and gives me peace. What more could I need?
Last week, I completed and passed the Oral Assessment. Now, I'm waiting for my security clearance to go through. I don't forsee any trouble there, and the medical exam won't be a problem. My next hurdle will be passing the Spanish phone interview. I'll have to practice over the next couple months to get up to speed. That will bump me up on the eligibility list and increase my likelihood of getting an assignment. Otherwise, it's just a waiting game.
I'm really trusting God with the whole process though. I can't imagine that he would bring me this far, with so little effort on my part, for it not to work out. When I first discovered the Foreign Service last January, I had a hunch it was the right job for me. So far, it seems my intuition has been accurate. I can't take any credit for it though; all I can claim is trusting the Lord and following his direction.
More than anything, I want God to be glorified in this. I want his will to be done in my life. If it means not getting an assignment, then I just know there's something better for me. I am always amazed at how easily and smoothly things work out when I stop trying to do everything myself and just surrender all to God. He answers my prayers and gives me peace. What more could I need?
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
On the Hunt. . .
The hunt for a job, that is. One of the tips I learned at the Women's Campaign workshop a couple weeks ago was that a candidate should spend four hours a day fundraising. While looking for a job, I really think a serious job seeker probably spends four hours a day searching for openings, contacting people, editing her resume, writing cover letters, and following up on submitted applications. In other words, I've had time for little else.
The problem is that my MA thesis is due in less than two weeks, and I can't stop job hunting long enough to get a decent chapter written. Perhaps this is my newest procrastination technique. Really though, I have a hard time focusing on my thesis because I know I have an interview coming up or an application deadline. At the same time, I have a hard time engaging in my job search because I know I need to be writing that paper.
I think the best way for me to handle this is to just put aside the job stuff until after I submit my thesis. Easier said than done. I much too future-oriented to concentrate only on the immediate needs. I have a real gift for getting things done at the last minute, and doing them well. Perhaps it's more of a curse than a gift, but it works for me. If it ain't broke don't fix it, right? Or is it more important to develop consistency than to just get stuff done?
Of course there are other things that could benefit from a more incremental approach. Like training for a marathon. That is absolutely something I cannot do a week before the race. I have to build a foundation, develop strength and stamina, train my body to operate efficiently over that entire distance. Running a marathon is something I've wanted to do for a while, but I can never stick to a training program long enough to get to race day. This fall I ran a half-marathon, and seriously, I hadn't run more than 5 miles to prepare. And the two weeks prior, I had only run 2 miles 3-4 times. I finished the race in 2:10, not bad for a lazy sop who refuses to train. But, at the end of the 13 miles, I could not imagine running another 13 to complete a marathon.
In regards to job hunting, I just have to trust the Lord and stop worrying that I'll miss an opportunity while I'm finishing school. He has a job prepared for me already. I just have to keep on the lookout for it, AFTER I write my thesis. He understands what I'm doing. He put me here in grad school for a reason. I just need to focus in on this, deal with the task at hand, and believe that God will lead me into the destiny he has planned.
The problem is that my MA thesis is due in less than two weeks, and I can't stop job hunting long enough to get a decent chapter written. Perhaps this is my newest procrastination technique. Really though, I have a hard time focusing on my thesis because I know I have an interview coming up or an application deadline. At the same time, I have a hard time engaging in my job search because I know I need to be writing that paper.
I think the best way for me to handle this is to just put aside the job stuff until after I submit my thesis. Easier said than done. I much too future-oriented to concentrate only on the immediate needs. I have a real gift for getting things done at the last minute, and doing them well. Perhaps it's more of a curse than a gift, but it works for me. If it ain't broke don't fix it, right? Or is it more important to develop consistency than to just get stuff done?
Of course there are other things that could benefit from a more incremental approach. Like training for a marathon. That is absolutely something I cannot do a week before the race. I have to build a foundation, develop strength and stamina, train my body to operate efficiently over that entire distance. Running a marathon is something I've wanted to do for a while, but I can never stick to a training program long enough to get to race day. This fall I ran a half-marathon, and seriously, I hadn't run more than 5 miles to prepare. And the two weeks prior, I had only run 2 miles 3-4 times. I finished the race in 2:10, not bad for a lazy sop who refuses to train. But, at the end of the 13 miles, I could not imagine running another 13 to complete a marathon.
In regards to job hunting, I just have to trust the Lord and stop worrying that I'll miss an opportunity while I'm finishing school. He has a job prepared for me already. I just have to keep on the lookout for it, AFTER I write my thesis. He understands what I'm doing. He put me here in grad school for a reason. I just need to focus in on this, deal with the task at hand, and believe that God will lead me into the destiny he has planned.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Tears for Africa
I showed The Constant Gardener the other day for my students. I've already seen the film, but I always manage to get choked up. I just can't comprehend what it must be like to live everyday in those conditions. It is such a beautiful film about such an ugly topic. One of the characters comments that aid in Africa is how the industrialized expiates their guilt. No body really cares about the thousands of people who die everyday throughout the continent. The same character exclaims that the "pharmaceutical companies are as bad as the arms dealers."
In trying to sort out what I want to do with my life, I just can't get away from these stories and images. It makes me wish I had gone to medical school - somehow that would make me useful. But then I think about the parable of the talents. The point of Jesus' teachings in that story is that it doesn't matter how much you have, but what you do with what you have that matters. I can't lament over the fact that I don't have a law degree or a medical degree. Rather, I have to trust that God is putting me in the circumstances that fulfill his purpose for my life, and that he is equipping me to do his will.
Falling into that trap of, "I can't really do anything important until ____ ( I have a job, I get married, I have my own place, I have more money, I have more free time, etc. etc. etc.)," is really just preventing me from accomplishing what I can do now. Again, it reminds me of the parable of the talents (if you want to read it for yourself, follow this link: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:14-30). The servant who buried his talent claims to have acted out of fear. The master is no less displeased when the servant tries to explain this. For me, today, the moral of this story is: Don't be afraid to use what God has given you. He has blessed me with an array of talents and skills, I just have to apply them for his glory. So, what am I going to do today to try and help alleviate these problems that are so compelling?
In trying to sort out what I want to do with my life, I just can't get away from these stories and images. It makes me wish I had gone to medical school - somehow that would make me useful. But then I think about the parable of the talents. The point of Jesus' teachings in that story is that it doesn't matter how much you have, but what you do with what you have that matters. I can't lament over the fact that I don't have a law degree or a medical degree. Rather, I have to trust that God is putting me in the circumstances that fulfill his purpose for my life, and that he is equipping me to do his will.
Falling into that trap of, "I can't really do anything important until ____ ( I have a job, I get married, I have my own place, I have more money, I have more free time, etc. etc. etc.)," is really just preventing me from accomplishing what I can do now. Again, it reminds me of the parable of the talents (if you want to read it for yourself, follow this link: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2025:14-30). The servant who buried his talent claims to have acted out of fear. The master is no less displeased when the servant tries to explain this. For me, today, the moral of this story is: Don't be afraid to use what God has given you. He has blessed me with an array of talents and skills, I just have to apply them for his glory. So, what am I going to do today to try and help alleviate these problems that are so compelling?
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Can't Live With 'Em, Can't Live Without 'Em
I was supposed to go on a date tonight with this guy from work. This is like the third attempt and he just keeps finding reasons (at the last minute) why he can't make it. If he's really not interested, then why the heck does he say things like, "let me take you to dinner this week," and "it would be my pleasure to take you out"? I'm thinking it's all just a way to fill some need he has to ensure some female attention. I guess I just can't expect for him to follow through. The real kicker is that I know he's not the type of guy I want to date. So am I stringing him along by continuing to flirt and not rejecting his dinner requests?
After meeting Geir this Christmas, every other guy seems dull in comparison. Unfortunately, Geir is happily married. But it does give me hope that God has someone even better for me. It's hard for me to imagine anyone more perfect, but I'm just trusting the Lord.
Why is there such a shortage of men who know what they stand for? My dad tells me not to let guys "invite me into their confusion." If a man doesn't really know what he's all about, why does he expect me to clear it up for him? I have my own interests and goals. I just want someone to be a partner in those pursuits.
Of course, faith is the most important characteristic. I had great examples of godly leadership from a group of male friends in high school. I think their all married now. I have yet to meet a man that impresses me that much (with the exception of Geir).
I'm tired of waiting though. I want to trust God with this, but I'm getting inpatient. Pretty soon, I'll be the last woman standing without a man among my group of closest friends and sorority sisters. Maybe that shouldn't bother me, I'm not really one to fit the mold. Sometimes, when the woman is truly exceptional, it just takes a little while for a man to measure up.
After meeting Geir this Christmas, every other guy seems dull in comparison. Unfortunately, Geir is happily married. But it does give me hope that God has someone even better for me. It's hard for me to imagine anyone more perfect, but I'm just trusting the Lord.
Why is there such a shortage of men who know what they stand for? My dad tells me not to let guys "invite me into their confusion." If a man doesn't really know what he's all about, why does he expect me to clear it up for him? I have my own interests and goals. I just want someone to be a partner in those pursuits.
Of course, faith is the most important characteristic. I had great examples of godly leadership from a group of male friends in high school. I think their all married now. I have yet to meet a man that impresses me that much (with the exception of Geir).
I'm tired of waiting though. I want to trust God with this, but I'm getting inpatient. Pretty soon, I'll be the last woman standing without a man among my group of closest friends and sorority sisters. Maybe that shouldn't bother me, I'm not really one to fit the mold. Sometimes, when the woman is truly exceptional, it just takes a little while for a man to measure up.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Never Let Me Go
Since I started on Kazuo Ishiguro's newest novel, Never Let Me Go, I haven't been able to stop listening or get it out of my head. I bought the Audio CD, read beautifully by Rosalyn Landon. I've had to limit myself to either listening only in the car or only as I get ready for bed at night. I was almost late to class three times last week because I was so caught up in the story as I was getting up and getting ready for the day. I've enjoyed it so much that I'll put it on when I get in the car, drive to wherever I need to be then sit in the car and listen until I'm verging on lateness. Even then, once I get to the meeting, class, grocery store, whatever, I have a hard time thinking about anything else.
I don't want to reveal too much about the story. Even though I probably wouldn't have bought the book if I hadn't known what it was really about, I would have enjoyed it even more if I had been able to allow the story to unfold. Each chapter is a wonderful new layer. As each one is peeled back to disclose something new about the characters and their place in society, the pieces start to fall into place.
It's a wonderfully written, provocative, and thoroughly engaging story. I still have the last disc to finish, and I can't wait to get in my car and listen.
I don't want to reveal too much about the story. Even though I probably wouldn't have bought the book if I hadn't known what it was really about, I would have enjoyed it even more if I had been able to allow the story to unfold. Each chapter is a wonderful new layer. As each one is peeled back to disclose something new about the characters and their place in society, the pieces start to fall into place.
It's a wonderfully written, provocative, and thoroughly engaging story. I still have the last disc to finish, and I can't wait to get in my car and listen.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Things in a Day
Three things that ruin my day:
1. People treating me like I'm stupid
2. Overdraft charges
3. Dirty dishes left in the sink overnight
Three things that make my day:
1. Emails or phone calls from old friends
2. Good mail - letters, cards, packages, magazines, not bills
3. Answered prayers
Today was one of those up and down days; lots of crummy things happened, but lots of good things did too. I got in an argument with a work colleague, my bank charged me for making a miscalculation, and the kitchen was a mess when I got home tonight. But, I also got a very encouraging email from an old, dear friend that I hadn't heard from in a while, I got two books in the mail and this week's Economist, and God has really been responding positively to my requests this week. That sounds like I can manipulate God by saying the right words. But really, He is totally blessing me this week. I have been praying for guidance in finding a job, I've been praying specific things for friends, and I've been praying for provision in my financial needs. He provided a contact at a great organization today, my friends have all reported that they have received exactly what they needed, and the bank took off the overdraft charges! I'm just learning to trust him more and more. I want to trust Him even when I'm not seeing him at work so quickly. That's my prayer today, and always; that I don't trust in my own understanding, but acknowledge him in all things.
1. People treating me like I'm stupid
2. Overdraft charges
3. Dirty dishes left in the sink overnight
Three things that make my day:
1. Emails or phone calls from old friends
2. Good mail - letters, cards, packages, magazines, not bills
3. Answered prayers
Today was one of those up and down days; lots of crummy things happened, but lots of good things did too. I got in an argument with a work colleague, my bank charged me for making a miscalculation, and the kitchen was a mess when I got home tonight. But, I also got a very encouraging email from an old, dear friend that I hadn't heard from in a while, I got two books in the mail and this week's Economist, and God has really been responding positively to my requests this week. That sounds like I can manipulate God by saying the right words. But really, He is totally blessing me this week. I have been praying for guidance in finding a job, I've been praying specific things for friends, and I've been praying for provision in my financial needs. He provided a contact at a great organization today, my friends have all reported that they have received exactly what they needed, and the bank took off the overdraft charges! I'm just learning to trust him more and more. I want to trust Him even when I'm not seeing him at work so quickly. That's my prayer today, and always; that I don't trust in my own understanding, but acknowledge him in all things.
Racism
I would usually consider myself to be pretty sensitive toward racial issues. I would consider myself to be accepting and open-minded toward anyone. Not to say that I haven't made ignorant remarks in regards to people of other races and ethnicities when I was younger and more foolish. But seriously, I really do think that I treat people with kindness and respect. People are still people regardless of race or ethnicity. I truly belive that and behave accordingly.
Every once in a while though, I have an interaction that makes me realize that I do not understand racism at all. I was chatting with a student in the Center for Indigenous Nations Studies today about the grant project I am working on, my thesis, and the plight of indigenous peoples in Latin America. He was an excellent listener, and he seemed genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say. Things started to turn when I made the comment that the indigenous experience in Latin America is fascinating, very different from what happens here in the US, and is often very subtle.
I'm not sure if he already had his arms crossed or if he crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair when I said this. But he kind of bristled and said, "you think it's subtle?"
Quickly, I tried to clarify my statement and said, "well some people would call it subtle (meaning, not me). What I mean is that in want ads, it will specify 'good appearance,' meaning 'white.' They don't say 'blacks need not apply.'" I waited for his reaction.
"You're not from Kansas are you?" he asked, smiling and leaning forward toward his computer. "You don't sound like you're from Kansas."
"No, I'm from Florida. I went to Florida State in Tallahassee for my undergrad," I answered. Then the conversation took another turn.
"I'm from California," he said. "Actually I worked on some of the legislation over school mascots. We've been kind of engaged in a battle over the mascot there," he commented.
I should have been expecting that. Anytime I mention Florida State around people who are associated with Indigenous Nations or Native American scholarship and activism, this chill goes through the air. I can't change where I went to school or the fact that I loved it. But this mascot ordeal is really important to some people. "I get kind of defensive about protecting my school because while I was there, I felt like the University was really respectful of the Seminole tribe, involving them in the rituals and ceremonies, they participated in homecoming," I said.
"If that's the case, then I'm surprised by some of the comments made by the board rep and the president at some of the meetings I've attended related to that," he replied. "Some of their comments were just really racist," he added.
At that point, I got called in to the meeting I had been waiting for. I was disappointed to end this conversation, but also a bit relieved. As I left the meeting a few minutes later, I stuck my head back in the office and said "It was nice meeting you."
"You too," he answered, offering his hand. As I shook it, I searched his face for a second, wondering if I had offended him, but he was only smiling. "Good luck to you," he called as I turned to leave.
Walking back to my office across campus I replayed the conversation in my head. Had I been wrong in my comment about racism being subtle? Was my example about want ads really contradicting what I was trying to say? Then I realized that I hadn't even heard the end of his story about the FSU reps in the mascot meeting.
This is when I realized that I have no idea what racism really feels like. I can talk all day about how people are discriminated against because of ignorance and pride, but when it all boils down, I am not that different from anybody else. Feminists often claim that they have a unique perspective on the world as part of a marginalized population. Of course women haven't always been treated as equals, and it's arguable that even now, we still aren't. But really, I have never been denied a job because of who I am physically. Even though stereotypes of women in the media are perhaps comparable to the mascot thing, I don't know if anyone really pays much attention anymore. Are there any feminist groups trying to get media that objectify and demean women off the air? That's not the point though. The point is that I have never experienced oppression like indigenous people or other non-white populations. Can I truly have an objective, prejudice-free perspective on these issues until I experience racism first hand?
Every once in a while though, I have an interaction that makes me realize that I do not understand racism at all. I was chatting with a student in the Center for Indigenous Nations Studies today about the grant project I am working on, my thesis, and the plight of indigenous peoples in Latin America. He was an excellent listener, and he seemed genuinely interested in hearing what I had to say. Things started to turn when I made the comment that the indigenous experience in Latin America is fascinating, very different from what happens here in the US, and is often very subtle.
I'm not sure if he already had his arms crossed or if he crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair when I said this. But he kind of bristled and said, "you think it's subtle?"
Quickly, I tried to clarify my statement and said, "well some people would call it subtle (meaning, not me). What I mean is that in want ads, it will specify 'good appearance,' meaning 'white.' They don't say 'blacks need not apply.'" I waited for his reaction.
"You're not from Kansas are you?" he asked, smiling and leaning forward toward his computer. "You don't sound like you're from Kansas."
"No, I'm from Florida. I went to Florida State in Tallahassee for my undergrad," I answered. Then the conversation took another turn.
"I'm from California," he said. "Actually I worked on some of the legislation over school mascots. We've been kind of engaged in a battle over the mascot there," he commented.
I should have been expecting that. Anytime I mention Florida State around people who are associated with Indigenous Nations or Native American scholarship and activism, this chill goes through the air. I can't change where I went to school or the fact that I loved it. But this mascot ordeal is really important to some people. "I get kind of defensive about protecting my school because while I was there, I felt like the University was really respectful of the Seminole tribe, involving them in the rituals and ceremonies, they participated in homecoming," I said.
"If that's the case, then I'm surprised by some of the comments made by the board rep and the president at some of the meetings I've attended related to that," he replied. "Some of their comments were just really racist," he added.
At that point, I got called in to the meeting I had been waiting for. I was disappointed to end this conversation, but also a bit relieved. As I left the meeting a few minutes later, I stuck my head back in the office and said "It was nice meeting you."
"You too," he answered, offering his hand. As I shook it, I searched his face for a second, wondering if I had offended him, but he was only smiling. "Good luck to you," he called as I turned to leave.
Walking back to my office across campus I replayed the conversation in my head. Had I been wrong in my comment about racism being subtle? Was my example about want ads really contradicting what I was trying to say? Then I realized that I hadn't even heard the end of his story about the FSU reps in the mascot meeting.
This is when I realized that I have no idea what racism really feels like. I can talk all day about how people are discriminated against because of ignorance and pride, but when it all boils down, I am not that different from anybody else. Feminists often claim that they have a unique perspective on the world as part of a marginalized population. Of course women haven't always been treated as equals, and it's arguable that even now, we still aren't. But really, I have never been denied a job because of who I am physically. Even though stereotypes of women in the media are perhaps comparable to the mascot thing, I don't know if anyone really pays much attention anymore. Are there any feminist groups trying to get media that objectify and demean women off the air? That's not the point though. The point is that I have never experienced oppression like indigenous people or other non-white populations. Can I truly have an objective, prejudice-free perspective on these issues until I experience racism first hand?
Monday, February 20, 2006
Yeah for Mondays!
I actually kind of like Mondays. They represent a fresh start. A new week holds so many possibilities. I can leave last week behind me and focus on all the things I can accomplish this week. I usually make a list of things to do each week - a five day plan, if you will. I haven't worked up to a five-year plan. That seems too lofty for me right now. But it's becoming more appealing as I face making big decisions about my future. Maybe I'll put that on my list of things to do this week: five year plan. I have to post my five day plan up in several places that will catch my eye throughout the week. Then I have to remind myself not to wait until Friday to start on those things. I'm trying to make my new motto: "The key to success is not in trying harder but in being consistent." I got it out of a running book. I've been toying with the idea of running a marathon for about three years now. I can never keep on a regular training schedule though. I get about three weeks in and get bored. Then I just try to do the long runs on the weekends without all the shorter training runs during the week. That doesn't work very well.
My problem, though, is that I really excell in doing things at the last minute. It's not a very good habit, but it is a good skill. I wish I was more incremental in my approach to tackling major projects. But I'm much more successful when I get within a few days of a deadline and hammer things out all at once. It's a strategy that's gotten me through grad school really well. Let's be honest though, I'm not turning in my best work. I could turn in much better papers if I took the time to read through them, correcting errors and working out the kinks in logic before submitting them. That doesn't really motivate me not to procrastinate though. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I just have to believe that my half-assed work is as good as most professors and employers expect. Maybe I'm kidding myself by thinking that most other people work over time. I think that's one of the biggest lies among grad students. Does anyobdy really READ all the assigned material before class? Does anybody really proofread their papers and get feedback from other people before turning them in? We all spend a lot of time and energy trying to convince everyone else that we're just as smart as they are, but are we fooling anyone? I mean, I know there are those few truly brilliant people who do spend a majority of their time reading and thinking and writing for class. And they are the ones who are getting their money's worth. I envy them. I chalk it off as my underdeveloped sense of self-discipline. Perhaps it's my semi-obsession with being acknowledged for my work. Either way, I don't take the time to do things as well as I could, and thus far it's done me just fine.
At the new grad student orientation three semesters ago, I was looking around the room, listening to what each of my new colleagues had accomplished, and where they were from, feeling not unlike Elle Woods at her first day at Harvard Law sitting in the grass with the students who had spent a year immunizing children against TB in third-world countries. KU is no Harvard, but some of the grad students I have come in contact with here are Ivy League. Regardless of first impressions, I've settled in here nicely. I even feel like I am cut-out for graduate work better than some. I work hard, even if it is last minute, I am a reader, I communicate ideas well, and I am a damn good TA.
Why am I so concerned about entering the work force then? School is the only thing I've ever known. I had a bang-up internship as an undergrad. I really flourished there. But what if it was just that particular work place, or those people? Will I be able to find that again?
These are all issues I guess I just have to trust God with. I know He has a plan and a purpose for me. My one true desire is just to follow his will. He created me. He knows my talents, gifts, weaknesses, and interests. Who better to shape my destiny?
Look at all the good things that happen at the beginning of a week! The possibilities are endless! I could wake up tomorrow and find my dream job. I could meet my soul mate on Wednesday. I could win an all expenses paid trip to Buenos Aires on Thursday. And Friday, I can do all the things on my to do list. Yeah for Mondays!
My problem, though, is that I really excell in doing things at the last minute. It's not a very good habit, but it is a good skill. I wish I was more incremental in my approach to tackling major projects. But I'm much more successful when I get within a few days of a deadline and hammer things out all at once. It's a strategy that's gotten me through grad school really well. Let's be honest though, I'm not turning in my best work. I could turn in much better papers if I took the time to read through them, correcting errors and working out the kinks in logic before submitting them. That doesn't really motivate me not to procrastinate though. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I just have to believe that my half-assed work is as good as most professors and employers expect. Maybe I'm kidding myself by thinking that most other people work over time. I think that's one of the biggest lies among grad students. Does anyobdy really READ all the assigned material before class? Does anybody really proofread their papers and get feedback from other people before turning them in? We all spend a lot of time and energy trying to convince everyone else that we're just as smart as they are, but are we fooling anyone? I mean, I know there are those few truly brilliant people who do spend a majority of their time reading and thinking and writing for class. And they are the ones who are getting their money's worth. I envy them. I chalk it off as my underdeveloped sense of self-discipline. Perhaps it's my semi-obsession with being acknowledged for my work. Either way, I don't take the time to do things as well as I could, and thus far it's done me just fine.
At the new grad student orientation three semesters ago, I was looking around the room, listening to what each of my new colleagues had accomplished, and where they were from, feeling not unlike Elle Woods at her first day at Harvard Law sitting in the grass with the students who had spent a year immunizing children against TB in third-world countries. KU is no Harvard, but some of the grad students I have come in contact with here are Ivy League. Regardless of first impressions, I've settled in here nicely. I even feel like I am cut-out for graduate work better than some. I work hard, even if it is last minute, I am a reader, I communicate ideas well, and I am a damn good TA.
Why am I so concerned about entering the work force then? School is the only thing I've ever known. I had a bang-up internship as an undergrad. I really flourished there. But what if it was just that particular work place, or those people? Will I be able to find that again?
These are all issues I guess I just have to trust God with. I know He has a plan and a purpose for me. My one true desire is just to follow his will. He created me. He knows my talents, gifts, weaknesses, and interests. Who better to shape my destiny?
Look at all the good things that happen at the beginning of a week! The possibilities are endless! I could wake up tomorrow and find my dream job. I could meet my soul mate on Wednesday. I could win an all expenses paid trip to Buenos Aires on Thursday. And Friday, I can do all the things on my to do list. Yeah for Mondays!
Monday, February 13, 2006
Eleanor Clift: Madam President
The First Woman President lecture series continues this week at the Dole Institute of Politics. So far it's been really good. I mentioned Carol Mosely Braun's talk last week. Last night Eleanor Clift, a panelist on the McLaughlin Group, contributing editor of Newsweek, and co-author of Madam President: Shattering the Last Glass Ceiling, spoke about the potential for women to be elected into the presidency and why it hasn't happened yet. The key issue for her is the small pool of potential candidates. It's not that people don't vote for women, rather, there just aren't enough women willing to run. "The American people are more willing to elect a woman president than there are women willing to run," Clift stated. Much to the chagrin of many baby-boomer feminists, their daughters are choosing to stay home with a family at a higher rate than even a generation ago. Perhaps we're already seeing women take for granted all the work our mothers and grandmothers did to earn us space in the political arena. For my mother, just the fact that I could have easily played team sports in high school but chose not to, was irksome. She had longed to play basketball and softball in school, but wasn't allowed to. She's told me the story several times about wanting to be a school crossing guard in Jr. High, but only boys could do that job. Am I taking all her work for granted?
I like to think that I'm blazing my own trail. Political Science is still a male-dominated field. In my entering cohort I was one of four women, and the only one not intending to complete a Ph.D. and teach. I worked at a Top 100 PR firm in Tallahassee. My boss was excellent about finding talent and developing his employees, and relied on women. I have a feeling that that kind of environment may be rare.
But what will it take for someone like me to enter that pool of potential candidates? Just the fact that Clift mentioned that there aren't enough women willing to sacrifice a family life for their career makes me wonder if that's part of my purpose. I'm not married, not dating anyone, never really have had a steady relationship to speak of, and my personal goals are not necessarily conducive to 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Not that I don't want those things or think that women who do want those things are bad or don't have personal goals and ambitions. Maybe it's just where I am in my life that those things are not on my radar. I really need a man who has a flexible career and really wants to be a stay-at-home-dad. But even that has its problems. There's something about the male ego that just doesn't fit that model. And it never looks good in the political arena for a woman to "wear the pants," ie. Hillary Clinton. Female candidates have a whole new set of rules. They have to be feminine and caring bt tough and agressive; understanding and warm but decisive and commanding; intelligent and humorous, but not calculating or airy. It's an impossible dichotomy. Clift cited that a female president would have to be a perfect balance of Mother Theresa and Jack the Ripper. What an outrageous combination!
I was discussing this with some female colleagues this morning, and we were laughing about the obstacles facing women in office and the potential for female candidates. We decided the best course of action would be to join the military, volunteer for active duty in the Middle East, come back as a "war hero" and run for a state level position and just begin working up the ranks to governor. Then after a couple terms in a large swing state, make a bid for the nomination. I wonder how important party politicking will be for the first woman president. It's all speculation now until there actually is a woman elected.
I like to think that I'm blazing my own trail. Political Science is still a male-dominated field. In my entering cohort I was one of four women, and the only one not intending to complete a Ph.D. and teach. I worked at a Top 100 PR firm in Tallahassee. My boss was excellent about finding talent and developing his employees, and relied on women. I have a feeling that that kind of environment may be rare.
But what will it take for someone like me to enter that pool of potential candidates? Just the fact that Clift mentioned that there aren't enough women willing to sacrifice a family life for their career makes me wonder if that's part of my purpose. I'm not married, not dating anyone, never really have had a steady relationship to speak of, and my personal goals are not necessarily conducive to 2.5 kids, a dog, and a white picket fence. Not that I don't want those things or think that women who do want those things are bad or don't have personal goals and ambitions. Maybe it's just where I am in my life that those things are not on my radar. I really need a man who has a flexible career and really wants to be a stay-at-home-dad. But even that has its problems. There's something about the male ego that just doesn't fit that model. And it never looks good in the political arena for a woman to "wear the pants," ie. Hillary Clinton. Female candidates have a whole new set of rules. They have to be feminine and caring bt tough and agressive; understanding and warm but decisive and commanding; intelligent and humorous, but not calculating or airy. It's an impossible dichotomy. Clift cited that a female president would have to be a perfect balance of Mother Theresa and Jack the Ripper. What an outrageous combination!
I was discussing this with some female colleagues this morning, and we were laughing about the obstacles facing women in office and the potential for female candidates. We decided the best course of action would be to join the military, volunteer for active duty in the Middle East, come back as a "war hero" and run for a state level position and just begin working up the ranks to governor. Then after a couple terms in a large swing state, make a bid for the nomination. I wonder how important party politicking will be for the first woman president. It's all speculation now until there actually is a woman elected.
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
Carol Moseley Braun, Electoral Systems, and Politics in America
Last night I attended a lecture by former US Ambassador, Senator, and 2004 Presidential Nominee Candidate, Carol Moseley Braun. Her lecture is part of a month-long series "The First Woman President." What a way to kick off the series! She is such a dynamic and accomplished woman! I didn't pay much attention to her in the primaries, but I was quite impressed with her last night. While I can't say that I agree with all of her ideas and policy plans, I was inspired by her determination, courage, and sense of humor. I hope to follow in her footsteps and give my own lecture about what it means to be a woman in high political office.
One of the main difficulties she discussed in running a presidential campaign as a woman was her inability to raise enough money. She cited an interesting statistic that while over 80% of Americans said they would support a female presidential candidate, only 60% said they thought their friends and neighbors would support a female candidate. This perception gap is possibly more detrimental than it seems at first glance. Nobody wants to vote for the candidate that they think is going to lose. If one thinks that no one they know will support a woman for President, why should they vote for her? Perhaps this is part of the fundraising difficulty. In our society, I have a difficult time believing that most Americans think that a woman would be less capable of being an effective leader simply because of her sex. If a woman is educated, experienced, effective, and has demonstrated loyalty to her country and to the people of the US, then why shouldn't she be elected over a man who may have similar qualifications? Are there still people out there who are so narrow minded to think that women are just not supposed to play that role? I know there are. I also that there are people who are overtly racist. That's why we haven't ever elected a Black, Latin, or Asian President. It wasn't until 1969 that a Black woman was in the Senate.
One of the questions posed to Moseley Braun after her talk was about abolishing the Electoral College. Her response was that if the American public can persuade their leaders to change that institution, then it will happen. While the political will of the average citizen can go a long way, I don't know if changing the Constitution to dissolve one of the oldest institutions in our government is possible. There will have to be some major disjuncture in our electoral system that is reiterated in several Presidential elections before it becomes apparent that the Electoral College is antiquated and irrelevant.
This week in my classes, we're talking about electoral systems. We discuss the pros and cons of the single member district/plurality system we use in the States, and the Proportional Representation systems used in many other countries. I always ask my students to state which one they think is better. Usually, I get several different responses . Then they want to know what I think. After all this discussion, I really have to say that I prefer the PR system. I'm even more convinced after Moseley Braun's talk. She cited another stat that at the rate that women are being elected into office, it will be 2080 before we reach gender parity in government. It's pretty clear that PR systems promote gender equality and minority representation. Changing the electoral system here would be more difficult than abolishing the Electoral College. The Electoral College doesn't have any effect on how I go and cast my vote for the President or my Representatives, but switching from plurality to PR, that's a huge change. It's possible, but highly improbable, I think. Campaign finance reform is really the first step in transforming our electoral system.
In the UK there are regulations on the amount of money spent and on the type of media that can be used in political campaigns. No TV commercials or radio adverstisements, only printed media (billboards, flyers, newspaper advertisements, etc.) are permitted. In New Zealand, candidates are only allowed to spend $25,000 on a presidential campaign. This creates a more even playing field and allows for more candidates to participate. Imagine that! Anyone with $25,000 and a few good ideas can get elected. It would really prevent this stupid problem of choosing between two similar candidates with similar educational backgrounds and experience. It would be amazing to have average women and men running for elected office based on their own convictions and plans. Parties would still play a role. A US President without support of the legislature would be totally ineffective. Parties help people identify their political ideology and provide a forum for developing a cohesive plan for governance. Real campaign finance reform is about opportunities, and expanding democracy, not party dominance and corruption. So instead of placing limits on how much money can be raised from certain types of organizations, place limits on how the money can be used. Elections shouldn't be won an lost based on fundraising; they should be won and lost based on who is the most qualified candidate that represents and serves the will of the people.
One of the main difficulties she discussed in running a presidential campaign as a woman was her inability to raise enough money. She cited an interesting statistic that while over 80% of Americans said they would support a female presidential candidate, only 60% said they thought their friends and neighbors would support a female candidate. This perception gap is possibly more detrimental than it seems at first glance. Nobody wants to vote for the candidate that they think is going to lose. If one thinks that no one they know will support a woman for President, why should they vote for her? Perhaps this is part of the fundraising difficulty. In our society, I have a difficult time believing that most Americans think that a woman would be less capable of being an effective leader simply because of her sex. If a woman is educated, experienced, effective, and has demonstrated loyalty to her country and to the people of the US, then why shouldn't she be elected over a man who may have similar qualifications? Are there still people out there who are so narrow minded to think that women are just not supposed to play that role? I know there are. I also that there are people who are overtly racist. That's why we haven't ever elected a Black, Latin, or Asian President. It wasn't until 1969 that a Black woman was in the Senate.
One of the questions posed to Moseley Braun after her talk was about abolishing the Electoral College. Her response was that if the American public can persuade their leaders to change that institution, then it will happen. While the political will of the average citizen can go a long way, I don't know if changing the Constitution to dissolve one of the oldest institutions in our government is possible. There will have to be some major disjuncture in our electoral system that is reiterated in several Presidential elections before it becomes apparent that the Electoral College is antiquated and irrelevant.
This week in my classes, we're talking about electoral systems. We discuss the pros and cons of the single member district/plurality system we use in the States, and the Proportional Representation systems used in many other countries. I always ask my students to state which one they think is better. Usually, I get several different responses . Then they want to know what I think. After all this discussion, I really have to say that I prefer the PR system. I'm even more convinced after Moseley Braun's talk. She cited another stat that at the rate that women are being elected into office, it will be 2080 before we reach gender parity in government. It's pretty clear that PR systems promote gender equality and minority representation. Changing the electoral system here would be more difficult than abolishing the Electoral College. The Electoral College doesn't have any effect on how I go and cast my vote for the President or my Representatives, but switching from plurality to PR, that's a huge change. It's possible, but highly improbable, I think. Campaign finance reform is really the first step in transforming our electoral system.
In the UK there are regulations on the amount of money spent and on the type of media that can be used in political campaigns. No TV commercials or radio adverstisements, only printed media (billboards, flyers, newspaper advertisements, etc.) are permitted. In New Zealand, candidates are only allowed to spend $25,000 on a presidential campaign. This creates a more even playing field and allows for more candidates to participate. Imagine that! Anyone with $25,000 and a few good ideas can get elected. It would really prevent this stupid problem of choosing between two similar candidates with similar educational backgrounds and experience. It would be amazing to have average women and men running for elected office based on their own convictions and plans. Parties would still play a role. A US President without support of the legislature would be totally ineffective. Parties help people identify their political ideology and provide a forum for developing a cohesive plan for governance. Real campaign finance reform is about opportunities, and expanding democracy, not party dominance and corruption. So instead of placing limits on how much money can be raised from certain types of organizations, place limits on how the money can be used. Elections shouldn't be won an lost based on fundraising; they should be won and lost based on who is the most qualified candidate that represents and serves the will of the people.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Just Another Day . . . With Germans
This week has gone so slowly! I'm glad Wednesday is almost over. Thursday and Friday fly by. I have to be really intentional about working on my thesis this weekend though. I planned on using my free Fridays to research and write. I haven't been very good about that yet, but really, last Friday was the first one of the semester, so I can't feel too guilty. I just found out today that the deadline is mid-March, not mid-May. I really have to crank it up a notch and get on the ball with this. I think most people spend more than six weeks writing their Theses. I do have some work done, just not as much as I should. I meant to work on it over Winter Break, but could never get motivated. Excuses won't get me a degree though.
Today was just another day. I had class at 8am this morning. I only have 10 students enrolled for this section, so it's fun, and not too difficult to get them involved. I don't really know if they enjoy my classes as much as I do, but my evaluations have never been bad. I think teaching really appeals to my extroverted side. I just love being up in front of people, leading a discussion, telling stories, or just listening to their opinions and stories. I always leave class feeling energized, even at 8am.
By the time I got to my own class this afternoon, I was ready to crash. I enrolled in this class at the suggestion of my advisor. She said it would help me clarify some of the theories that I'm trying to refute in my own research. So far, I've been kind of bored. Today, we were talking about how people develop political attitudes and how those attitudes change over time. One of the books we're using is Russel Dalton's 2005 edition of Citizen Politics. He uses survey data to help determine people's political values in post-industrial countries; specifically the US, France, the UK, and Germany. I was surprised at the responses of Germans on many of the questions. For example, one of the survey items was a statement and respondents were supposed to agree or disagree with it. It said, "women need children in order to feel fulfilled." Only 46% of Germans disagreed with this statement (39% of French disagreed). Another question was about the importance of the government providing jobs for the unemployed. This wasn't really a priority for Germans, and my professor revealed why. Apparently, there's a law against firing employees. Once someone is hired, they can't be fired. They can quit, but the company cannot lay them off. The outcome, in one situation, was that a man was hired by a labor contracting company and immediately requested his six weeks of paid vacation. This is another benefit to German employees. The day he was supposed to start work after his 6 week paid vacation, the man called in sick. He said he was depressed and took another 6 weeks of paid sick leave (no limit on the number of sick days). After paying the man for three months and never getting a single day of work from him, the company tried to fire him. The man took them to court, which ruled that the company had to keep him on the payroll AND pay damages for attempting to fire him! I couldn't believe that. What an outrageous system!
A second example my professor gave was about an employee who embezelled $40,000 from the company. He was arrested, convicted, and spent a year in prison. Upon his release, he returned to the company wanting his job back. The company refused and he took them to court. Can you guess what they ruled? Amazing! The man got his job back! I just don't get it.
Maybe I shouldn't think it's as funny as all that, but I just couldn't believe my ears. Was it possible that a major world power treated its businesses so poorly and its workers so irresponsibly. There can't be any incentive to do a really good job. Maybe good employees get raises, but if you can't get rid of the losers, then what good is that? One of my colleagues suggested that every few years companies should just close down and then open up again with new employees. It's not that easy though. The professor then informed us that if a company closes or goes bankrupt, etc. and opens up in the same field of business as before, it must re-hire all its old employees!
This is the problem with social democracies. Of course there are some great advantages, national health care, free education, great maternity benefits. But the taxes are high and it must really suck to be a business owner. I can see how countries that are trying to get on their feet and establish a stable government and economy may need more government intervention to keep their people from getting trampled by globalization. But really, what business does a well established government have muddling in people's everyday lives like that? It's just a different way of running things, but I just can't see it working well for long. If that's what the people want from their state, then more power to them. I just really hope it's not a trend that picks up here in the US anytime soon. All I want from my government is protection from the fear of getting blown up on a daily basis. Now I realize, that it's not doing a hotdog job of that now, but I don't expect much. I also think some social issues are important for the government to address, like homelessness, the declining quality of education, clean air and water, and maintaining National Parks. Also, maintaining highways and interstate transportation is good. But really, the most important thing my government can do domestically, is make sure everyone has the freedom to say as they please, pursue their dream job, live in a neighborhood they like, and marry who they want. Really, is that so hard? A lot of that is not even up to the government. Racism is still prevalent, and the government can't do anything about changing people's minds and attitudes about who they like and don't like for whatever reason. I think that's a personal issue that starts at home. That's one thing we talked about in regards to political attitudes, is that they're passed down intergenerationally (and they're directly correlated with affluence). Duh! Sometimes political scientists (or social scientists in general) spend a lot of time stating the obvious. Attitudes are learned through socialization. And that is definately not up to the government.
I'll get off my soapbox now. I have to get back to work, because, here, I CAN get fired for being a crummy employee. Even though, 12 weeks of paid vacation and sick leave wouldn't be so bad.
Today was just another day. I had class at 8am this morning. I only have 10 students enrolled for this section, so it's fun, and not too difficult to get them involved. I don't really know if they enjoy my classes as much as I do, but my evaluations have never been bad. I think teaching really appeals to my extroverted side. I just love being up in front of people, leading a discussion, telling stories, or just listening to their opinions and stories. I always leave class feeling energized, even at 8am.
By the time I got to my own class this afternoon, I was ready to crash. I enrolled in this class at the suggestion of my advisor. She said it would help me clarify some of the theories that I'm trying to refute in my own research. So far, I've been kind of bored. Today, we were talking about how people develop political attitudes and how those attitudes change over time. One of the books we're using is Russel Dalton's 2005 edition of Citizen Politics. He uses survey data to help determine people's political values in post-industrial countries; specifically the US, France, the UK, and Germany. I was surprised at the responses of Germans on many of the questions. For example, one of the survey items was a statement and respondents were supposed to agree or disagree with it. It said, "women need children in order to feel fulfilled." Only 46% of Germans disagreed with this statement (39% of French disagreed). Another question was about the importance of the government providing jobs for the unemployed. This wasn't really a priority for Germans, and my professor revealed why. Apparently, there's a law against firing employees. Once someone is hired, they can't be fired. They can quit, but the company cannot lay them off. The outcome, in one situation, was that a man was hired by a labor contracting company and immediately requested his six weeks of paid vacation. This is another benefit to German employees. The day he was supposed to start work after his 6 week paid vacation, the man called in sick. He said he was depressed and took another 6 weeks of paid sick leave (no limit on the number of sick days). After paying the man for three months and never getting a single day of work from him, the company tried to fire him. The man took them to court, which ruled that the company had to keep him on the payroll AND pay damages for attempting to fire him! I couldn't believe that. What an outrageous system!
A second example my professor gave was about an employee who embezelled $40,000 from the company. He was arrested, convicted, and spent a year in prison. Upon his release, he returned to the company wanting his job back. The company refused and he took them to court. Can you guess what they ruled? Amazing! The man got his job back! I just don't get it.
Maybe I shouldn't think it's as funny as all that, but I just couldn't believe my ears. Was it possible that a major world power treated its businesses so poorly and its workers so irresponsibly. There can't be any incentive to do a really good job. Maybe good employees get raises, but if you can't get rid of the losers, then what good is that? One of my colleagues suggested that every few years companies should just close down and then open up again with new employees. It's not that easy though. The professor then informed us that if a company closes or goes bankrupt, etc. and opens up in the same field of business as before, it must re-hire all its old employees!
This is the problem with social democracies. Of course there are some great advantages, national health care, free education, great maternity benefits. But the taxes are high and it must really suck to be a business owner. I can see how countries that are trying to get on their feet and establish a stable government and economy may need more government intervention to keep their people from getting trampled by globalization. But really, what business does a well established government have muddling in people's everyday lives like that? It's just a different way of running things, but I just can't see it working well for long. If that's what the people want from their state, then more power to them. I just really hope it's not a trend that picks up here in the US anytime soon. All I want from my government is protection from the fear of getting blown up on a daily basis. Now I realize, that it's not doing a hotdog job of that now, but I don't expect much. I also think some social issues are important for the government to address, like homelessness, the declining quality of education, clean air and water, and maintaining National Parks. Also, maintaining highways and interstate transportation is good. But really, the most important thing my government can do domestically, is make sure everyone has the freedom to say as they please, pursue their dream job, live in a neighborhood they like, and marry who they want. Really, is that so hard? A lot of that is not even up to the government. Racism is still prevalent, and the government can't do anything about changing people's minds and attitudes about who they like and don't like for whatever reason. I think that's a personal issue that starts at home. That's one thing we talked about in regards to political attitudes, is that they're passed down intergenerationally (and they're directly correlated with affluence). Duh! Sometimes political scientists (or social scientists in general) spend a lot of time stating the obvious. Attitudes are learned through socialization. And that is definately not up to the government.
I'll get off my soapbox now. I have to get back to work, because, here, I CAN get fired for being a crummy employee. Even though, 12 weeks of paid vacation and sick leave wouldn't be so bad.
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