In the Mirror

This weekend I got a reminder of where I've been. My best friend from high school got married in Orlando. I haven't been back in at least 5 or 6 years. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I was dreading going back. I was attacked by fear and anxiety of seeing people and places that I did not want to see. Much of it was a fear of having an emotional reaction that I didn't want to have. I hated the fact that after so many years I could still be hurting. I thought I had gotten over it, I had forgiven and healed and I haven't been affected in years. The prospect of running into people who had hurt me so deeply was enough to reduce me to emotional wreckage. How would I feel when I saw them? What would I say? What would they say? Would they still stand in judgment of me through tight smiles? I began to panic.

Ever since the Spring of my senior year of high school I have been determined to become someone significant. At first it was an "I'll show them" attitude. I quickly realized that I am someone significant and that I deserve respect. I have always been hard working, smart, charming, bright and kind. Making mistakes doesn't eliminate all those aspects of my character. We all make mistakes and the measure of a woman is demonstrated by her ability to recover from those mistakes and use her circumstances to her advantage. I am a woman of courage and integrity and I should not let anyone make me feel otherwise. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them." I took that on as my motto this weekend and determined to celebrate my friend's wedding regardless of the condescending stares.

Overall I think that this weekend destroyed some spiritual strongholds in my life. I think Satan was using lies and fear to keep me trapped. Once I arrived in Orlando and began interacting with past acquaintances again I realized that I had no reason to be afraid. Most people were happy to see me and impressed with all I have accomplished. It ended up being a very encouraging weekend after all. Not that I plan on taking regular vacations to Orlando, but I feel like I conquered something and that a little light penetrated the darkness. I needed to look in the rear view mirror to remind me of where I've been, where I'm going, and who I am. With that glance Orlando doesn't hold as much of the oppressive spirit that it did a week ago. I'm thankful. Thankful that I had the strength to go, face my fear and come out encouraged. Perhaps I never had anything to fear, but as the other Roosevelt said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."