Disappointment

Interesting how when everything is going well I don't feel any need to write. It's when I'm frustrated, upset, sad or confused that I really need to put my thoughts on paper. My sister and I had a brief dialogue about how suffering contributes to the creative process. She decided to stop taking anti-depressants because she felt less on them. When she's sad or angry she's more apt to be artistic. All that to say that I am yet again disappointed, frustrated and confused and thus driven to write.

I have been looking forward to teaching all summer. Classes start next Monday. I have planned my syllabus, carefully selected texts, outlined assignments, etc. all to be informed that there are not enough students enrolled in my course. I was so excited about doing something productive, something interesting, stimulating, significant. When I got the call today I wasn't even surprised. I was disappointed, but somehow I knew that it wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure if I've just become jaded over the last few months or if I just intuitively determined that the poor organization and lack of communication from the college would lead to such an outcome. Nevertheless I am, again, reminded of the sinkhole that has become my existence. Rather than being motivated to make a significant change, I am more paralyzed by what I feel to be my very bleak future.

In addition to my occupational angst I am in this endless relationship rut. I seem to attract only the wrong sort of men. I draw men who are totally wrong for me. I am not particularly attracted to anyone right now and if I am, it's only because they have indicated some interest in me. I like the attention and I don't like not getting attention. My church is starting a singles ministry. Usually I sigh and shake my head at that sort of thing, knowing that it is typically a place for people who otherwise can't get dates go to meet people of similar unfortunate circumstances. But seeing that I am one of those people who can't get a date, I think I'll check it out. My sister swears I'll meet my husband, but honestly I just hope I'll find a guy who can go out with my friends and me, have a few drinks and not stand in judgement of my lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a drugged- out party girl, I just like having a good time. Most guys I've met at church can't understand that medium of a girl with morals who will kick it at the bars on a week night. Most of all I don't like those guys at church who are just there to meet girls. I want to meet someone genuine; an authentic Christian who is there for spiritual enrichment but can have a social life. I care about important things, and I enjoy talking about them, even debating issues. But sometimes I just want to unwind and have fun. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it all, but lately that only leads to disappointment.

A few pieces of good news though: 1) I am climbing a 14'er tomorrow with my brother and his girlfriend. We're tackling Quandary Peak near Breckenridge. Should be a good time. It's my first one of the summer. I'm looking forward to the challenge. It shouldn't be too hard, but to be out in nature and standing on one of the highest points in the state will be just the cure for this ho-hum attitude. 2) I was invited by a guest at the restaurant to visit the Benziger vineyard in Glen Ellen, CA, stay in the guest house, enjoy a complimentary tasting, and a complimentary tram ride. The monetary value of all this is is irrelevant. The fact that I was invited is what matters. Anyone up for a tour of Sonoma valley? End of September is harvest season and bike rentals are cheap.

That's all for now. All in all it hasn't been a bad summer. Which could be deduced from the lack of entries of the last couple months. My sisters and I bought season passes to Water World and attended nearly every week. I have a killer tan and great bathing-suit body right now. So my whole summer wasn't a total waste. It helped me establish a more consistent workout routine. Also all the planning for my course prompted me to read a lot. I think with the return of fall and the end of the carefree days of summer I can focus more easily on what I want to accomplish and where I want to be in the upcoming year. Campaign season will be in full swing before I know it, offering a wealth of opportunities. It's only a matter of finding someone who won't mess things up too bad. I guess that's all we can ask for from national leaders these days. Ah, the voice of disappointment yet again.