Glimmer

I tend to get very excited about potential opportunities. Even things that may not be very realistic or may be very realistic but so far off in the distance that I should probably just file it away for future daydreaming. Last night one of these little potential opportunities presented itself. Today, I'm having a hard time focusing on work while I let my mind wander and explore this new path. The more I research and mull it over though, the more it becomes feasible and desirable.

As you may know, I've been wanting to go back to graduate school for almost a year now. Teaching at Rivendell last Spring rekindled my interest in academia. I had a couple top choices, and was pretty set on attending either one. A new contender presented itself - out of convenience with this new possibility - and it looks promising. In fact it looks like a better choice in regards to specialization of study, and I'm probably more likely to get a teaching assistanship that will pay for the degree. As with everything else, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself on this. It's just exciting to think about making a change, venturing out, doing something new.

Of course change requires some sacrifice - but as a friend reminded me this morning, some sacrifices are worth making if they help you accomplish a dozen other goals.

"Time to Move On?" Update

I spent a fair amount of time this week updating and polishing my resume. Next week I have a meeting scheduled with two women from The White House Project. Hopefully this will provide some clarity in my pursuit of a political career and some valuable connections.

Also, the one person I sincerely enjoy working with is the "top candidate" for a great City Clerk position. I don't know how long I'll last here without her.

Time to Move On?

I've been working at Dill & Dill for little over seven months now. It's been a decent place to work. Plenty of inter-office backstabbing, gossip, and general bullshit to go around. However, I have learned some interesting things and I genuinely enjoy working for my boss - he really appreciates the work I do for him. I knew when I took the job, that I would not stay for long though. It's always been just a job, not a career. I've also known that when it's time to go, I'll know. Up until now, I haven't felt to freedom to move on. I've felt obligated to stay, as though there's more for me to learn or something more to gain from this position.

In the last three weeks, I've been presented with several new opportunities, and had several conversations with trustworthy people indicating that I should be pursuing my career goals more ambitiously. At the same time though, I've also been given a great opportunity here to do something new, interesting, and very different from any other paralegal work I've done. Right now it's hard for me to determine my next step, and how quickly I need to make my move.

Since working at Rivendell College last Spring, I've felt more inclined to go back to school for my Ph.D., and try to get into teaching. I miss being in a academic environment, and I'm really good at teaching. The more I talk to Jim and hear about his job teaching English at a local language institute, the more envious I get. Plus, I really hate days when I have to work and he doesn't: either because he's between terms, or it's a national holiday (like today). When I count my dwindling vacation days, I long for summer vacations, winter break, spring break, and national holidays (can you tell I'm bitter about having to work today?).

I don't need to make an immediate move. I do need to start gathering application materials for graduate programs that suit my interests, however. I should probably take the GRE again too. I have a pretty solid resume, but scholarships to cover full tuition and paid teaching assistant positions don't come that easy. I can't start a graduate program until Fall 2010, but I will need to begin applying this year. Perhaps I can take a few classes as a non-degree seeking student this summer or fall to earn a few application bonus points and scratch my nerd itch.

I've never been that thrilled with my job, but it felt like the right place to be. There have certainly been some good lessons learned, valuable professional networking, and good relationships gained by working at Dill & Dill. I can see the benefit of it. But it's time to start making my way toward the door, one step at a time.

Steeplechase

So far today has been one hurdle after another; and I'm losing this race. I'm back at the airport, headed to Seattle for military duty, once again. I got a ticket for driving with expired license tags on my way into the economy lot. I forgot my orders and my military ID on the counter in my apartment (strategically placed so I would NOT forget them). So I had to pay the bag check fee, and now I'm not even sure if I'll be able to get on Post without a strip search, eye scan, and blood/urine sample. Oh, and I missed the 45 minute cut-off time for my flight, so I have to take the next plane to Seattle, in two hours.

I'm tired today too. Not just sleepy, but starting to feel a bit weary. I realized the other day that I haven't had one weekend to myself since before Christmas. My apartment is a wreck. The mish-mash and clean and dirty laundry spreads to the back seat of my car. My head is just scattered. The weeks are almost a welcome repose from the weekends at this point. The highlight of the week nights always being a nice, comfortable dinner with Jim. If I was a bit more organized, I would settle for a night by myself to get my act together. But when 5:00 pm hits, the only thing I can think about is seeing him as soon as possible - what's that about? I'm going to really make myself crazy if I don't get myself in order this week though. We have plans to spend Presidents' Weekend in the mountains, skiing. I'll really have to make an effort this week to at least spend 2-3 hours straightening up my world a bit.

This day is bound to get better though. I just need to stop anticipating the worst and go with the flow. Sunday night, when I get home, it's going to be all about cleaning and organizing; getting ready for the week. Well, maybe after a few hours with my man. . .

Ratiocination

I occasionally run across an article in the media that makes me realize how very differently I perceive the world than many people (http://www.economist.com/world/unitedstates/displaystory.cfm?story_id=12931660). The point here is not the subject matter or what they have to say about the 43rd President of the United States. Rather, one remark in particular has been festering in my brain for the last week: "Mr Bush is a convert to an evangelical Christianity that emphasises emotion—particularly the intensely emotional experience of being born again—over ratiocination."

Faith is, by nature, not always logical or reasonable. In fact, I believe that more often than not, faith is exactly the opposite. From what I know of God (through my own experience and others'), He rarely behaves in a manner that seems rational to us. We often forget, or perhaps never recognize, that God's perspective is very different from ours. We have a much smaller view of life, only comprehending the here and now, based on what we know from our limited past. There is much more at work than we can ever realize. In our small-minded nature we can hardly see past the end of our own nose.

I am a strong believer in the fact that God has a distinct purpose for my life that fits into a much greater plan. My life is not the end-all be all. While I sincerely believe that God has my best interest at heart, because he loves me, and cares for me personally and individually, I also know that his plans are far beyond me.

When it comes to reason, I can honestly say that I am really glad that many things in my life have not made "sense." I've prayed and begged for God to do something specific, and when the answer was a resolute "no," I have been hurt, confused, angry, and I felt betrayed. As I continue to grow up and experience blessings, I become thoroughly grateful that my life has NOT gone my way. While I may believe that what I'm doing fits into God's plan, my perception is so inadequate that I can't see how anything else would be good. Then, something happens, a light comes on, the situation changes, and suddenly I can see how little I really know. That's what faith is all about though - taking the first step when you can't see the stairwell. It's not about cold, hard logic, or even reason. It's about trusting that God is sovereign in all things.