Job Interview

Yesterday I went on a second interview for a "marketing" firm in Denver. The only reason I agreed to go on this observation/shadow day was because I believed it was really a marketing job for which they were hiring. Was I in for a surprise!

I arrived promptly at 11:30 looking very sharp in my black suit, ready to tackle the day and prove my worth to the company. I met the corporate trainer I would be following for the day and he questioned me about my previous job experience as we walked to his car. Once outside I met a new trainee on her first day who also accompanied us. The observation day begins as we take of in search of businesses. As we drive the trainer asks me questions about marketing, obviously trying to demonstrate that his knowledge and expertise are superior to my own. I let me believe he is right by responding with interested noises, "hmmm," "uh huh," "ohh." We drive around for about 15 minutes until we find a strip mall with three of our clients. We park, the trainer hands me two coupon books and we're off. We walk in to the first business, a Fantastic Sams. The trainer immediately begins his spiel, not to petition the business owner to participate in raising money to sponspor a local wheelchair basketball league, but to purchase a coupon book! As I listen I begin to realize that I am observing a high school fundraiser masked as "marketing" job. We walk in to nearly every business in the strip mall selling coupon books.

Around 2pm we break for lunch. Graciously, the trainer buys my sandwich and procedes to outline the business model, pay scale and promotional hierarchy, guaranteeing that I too can open my own marketing firm in just one year, making six digits and retire before I'm thirty. I'm thinking that I'm much closer to thirty than this kid, and I did not spend six years getting two degrees to sell coupon books. I made the mistake of mentioning that I am waiting on a government job that will send me overseas, and the trainer interjected several times that mangement/ownership of my own marketing firm is probably not where I'm headed in their company since I'm looking for somthing temporary.

After lunch we got back in the car and headed toward our next event: a "setup." We arrived at a local grocery store, unloaded a card table, a stack of coupon books, and headed toward the entrance. For the next few hours we harrassed people as they came out of the grocery store to purchase coupon books. After a few minutes the trainer called me from behind the concrete post that I was strategically placed behind (so as not to be in anyone's way), to get me to participate and ask me some more questions. He began with, "what's your favorite movie?"

"The Princess Bride." I replied.

"So you really like chick flicks, huh? You probably really liked The Devil Wears Prada. That was the only chick flick I really liked. You seem like an Anne Hathaway fan. So what's it about?"

I realized that he thought my favorite movie is Princess Diaries. Of course I began to correct him. "The Princess Bride. It's a classic action, adventure, comedy that came out in the late eighties with Billy Crystal, Andre the Giant, Robin Wright Penn, Carey Elwes."

"Who?" He looked at me, brow furrowed then quickly rushed to shove his coupon book in a woman's face as she attempted to avoid eye contact and lug her armload of groceries to her car.

"So, what's your favorite color?" he began his interrogation again.

"Red" I replied.

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?" I ask. "I just like it. It's bright, cheerful, pretty."

"You can't just like a color because it's pretty. Why do you like red?" he asked before he jumped in front of another wary grocery shopper. "So how 'bout your favorite animal?"

"I don't know, a giraffe" I answered, exasperated.

"Why?"

"They're tall and they eat leaves," I replied in that tone you all know so well.

"Oh come on, your favorite color and your favorite animal say a lot about you psychologically."

"Ohhh, so what's your favorite animal?" I asked, thinking, are we in first grade?

"A LION," he responded proudly.

"Why?"

"I can't tell you that."

"Why can't you tell me why you like lions but I have to give you reason why I like giraffes?" I'm annoyed with this little jerk by now.

"Because it would reveal the psychology behind my questions."

"Ohhhhh, okay, I see."

"So what's your favorite kind of music?"

"My favorite kind of music or my favorite musical group?" I asked, just to clarify.

"No, your favorite kind of music."

"I like eighties music I guess, it really depends on what I feel like listening to." I had just
finished a Cure marathon in my car that morning.

"Eighties music, huh? Like who?"

"Journey, The Cure, Bon Jovi, Pat Benatar."

"Who's that?"

At this point I am shocked. "What?"

"I've heard of Pat Benatar. Is that a guy or a girl?"

I couldn't help but laugh at this point, "a girl" I answered. "Were you even alive in the eighties?" Now granted I wasn't old enough to really enjoy classic eighties rock in its prime, but I remember the aftermath.

"No, I'm fifteen," he answered sarcastically, then darted off to pawn another coupon book. "I see how it is, I see exactly how it is, egggszackly."

I guess he couldn't come up with anymore psychologically revealing questions for me, so I called my dad and asked him to come pick me up. Let's face it, I wasn't going to get that third interview anyway, only people who like predatory animals are successful in the coupon book selling business.

Fall

As excited as I am about the start of football season, I am truly sad to reach the end of this summer. Summer has never been my favorite season. I've always loved fall. Since this was the first summer I've had in several years, I really savored and enjoyed every sweaty minute of it. I went to Water World every week, laid by the pool a couple times a week, bought about a dozen sundresses, and sipped gallons of sweet tea. Although I didn't hike and camp as much as I originally planned, I enjoyed this summer. Now I feel like I belong somewhere that summer lasts a little longer. They're already predicting snow in the mountains for tomorrow.



I'm applying for grad school in California. Applications for the graduate program in Political Science at UC Berkeley are available tomorrow. I'm ready for a change of scenery and right now I'm California dreamin'. Now I just have to get in and get them to pay for it.

Interview

I got an interview with a public relations firm in Denver! I submitted about half-a-dozen resumes over the last couple days. I didn't expect such an immediate response, but it's encouraging. I primarily applied at public relations/advertising/marketing firms. I don't know if that's what I really want, but I hope it will at least help build up my resume and lead to other career opportunities. I've realized that in some ways it doesn't matter what field I'm in or what my specific job is, as long as I am in a position to impact the organization as a whole. I look at the big picture. I care about the end product and getting the team on board to accomplish a larger goal. Through my serving experience I've learned that even if I continue working at a restaurant I would be happier in a management position. I can love what I do if I'm in charge.

I always thought I needed to do a job that contributed to a significant cause. After talking with my Dad about all of this I settled for the idea that maybe I should just work for the purpose of having an income and find other things that bring significance. Not that I'm giving up on my ultimate goal to change the world, I just have to start somewhere. For now I'm satisfied just finding a job that doesn't involve serving Chinese food.

Disappointment

Interesting how when everything is going well I don't feel any need to write. It's when I'm frustrated, upset, sad or confused that I really need to put my thoughts on paper. My sister and I had a brief dialogue about how suffering contributes to the creative process. She decided to stop taking anti-depressants because she felt less on them. When she's sad or angry she's more apt to be artistic. All that to say that I am yet again disappointed, frustrated and confused and thus driven to write.

I have been looking forward to teaching all summer. Classes start next Monday. I have planned my syllabus, carefully selected texts, outlined assignments, etc. all to be informed that there are not enough students enrolled in my course. I was so excited about doing something productive, something interesting, stimulating, significant. When I got the call today I wasn't even surprised. I was disappointed, but somehow I knew that it wasn't going to work out. I'm not sure if I've just become jaded over the last few months or if I just intuitively determined that the poor organization and lack of communication from the college would lead to such an outcome. Nevertheless I am, again, reminded of the sinkhole that has become my existence. Rather than being motivated to make a significant change, I am more paralyzed by what I feel to be my very bleak future.

In addition to my occupational angst I am in this endless relationship rut. I seem to attract only the wrong sort of men. I draw men who are totally wrong for me. I am not particularly attracted to anyone right now and if I am, it's only because they have indicated some interest in me. I like the attention and I don't like not getting attention. My church is starting a singles ministry. Usually I sigh and shake my head at that sort of thing, knowing that it is typically a place for people who otherwise can't get dates go to meet people of similar unfortunate circumstances. But seeing that I am one of those people who can't get a date, I think I'll check it out. My sister swears I'll meet my husband, but honestly I just hope I'll find a guy who can go out with my friends and me, have a few drinks and not stand in judgement of my lifestyle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a drugged- out party girl, I just like having a good time. Most guys I've met at church can't understand that medium of a girl with morals who will kick it at the bars on a week night. Most of all I don't like those guys at church who are just there to meet girls. I want to meet someone genuine; an authentic Christian who is there for spiritual enrichment but can have a social life. I care about important things, and I enjoy talking about them, even debating issues. But sometimes I just want to unwind and have fun. I'm trying to keep an open mind about it all, but lately that only leads to disappointment.

A few pieces of good news though: 1) I am climbing a 14'er tomorrow with my brother and his girlfriend. We're tackling Quandary Peak near Breckenridge. Should be a good time. It's my first one of the summer. I'm looking forward to the challenge. It shouldn't be too hard, but to be out in nature and standing on one of the highest points in the state will be just the cure for this ho-hum attitude. 2) I was invited by a guest at the restaurant to visit the Benziger vineyard in Glen Ellen, CA, stay in the guest house, enjoy a complimentary tasting, and a complimentary tram ride. The monetary value of all this is is irrelevant. The fact that I was invited is what matters. Anyone up for a tour of Sonoma valley? End of September is harvest season and bike rentals are cheap.

That's all for now. All in all it hasn't been a bad summer. Which could be deduced from the lack of entries of the last couple months. My sisters and I bought season passes to Water World and attended nearly every week. I have a killer tan and great bathing-suit body right now. So my whole summer wasn't a total waste. It helped me establish a more consistent workout routine. Also all the planning for my course prompted me to read a lot. I think with the return of fall and the end of the carefree days of summer I can focus more easily on what I want to accomplish and where I want to be in the upcoming year. Campaign season will be in full swing before I know it, offering a wealth of opportunities. It's only a matter of finding someone who won't mess things up too bad. I guess that's all we can ask for from national leaders these days. Ah, the voice of disappointment yet again.

Motivation

I've realized lately that I need to build more adventures into my life. As a perpetual non-planner this is much harder than it sounds. I have always been of the persuasion that the best adventures are spontaneous. Now that I don't have a car and I don't have partners in crime that can pick up and go at the drop of a hat, I have to actually PLAN (a four letter word). I want to do so many things this summer and if I just continue on my daily grind it will just fly by. Originally I wanted to summit 7 14'ers this summer. That was before I lost my mode of transportation and climbing partner. If I get two under my belt I'll be happy.

It's not just this summer though. There are so many things I want to do in general and I don't want time to just pass me by the way it has the last 8 months.

In order to better preserve my youth, health, and happiness I have decided that when my lease runs out in March I am going to pack up and hike the AT. It's something I've wanted to do for years and I can't think of a better time or opportunity than next spring. The timing is perfect. I want to go back to school next fall and if I start hiking at the beginning of April I'll be finished by the end of July/beginning of August. I'm really looking forward to leaving everything behind and living only on what I can carry in my own pack. I hate feeling weighed down. Lately I've just felt stuck. I have too many responsibilities and too little freedom. Maybe I should interpret that statement: I have too many bills and too little money. For some reason that translates into having too many obligations to frivolous things. I just want to leave it all behind. So hiking the AT is my solution.

For the first time in months I feel like I have something to look forward to. I have a finish line, a point in time when things will change. Deadlines are motivating to me. Some people don't work well under pressure; I only work well under pressure. I need that deadline or else possibilities are endless and I can behave as though I have all of eternity to accomplish anything.

The Dumbing Down of Love

Sometimes love underwhelms me; more often than it overwhelms me. I would really like to be pleasantly surprised by love and the people who love me. It doesn't happen nearly often enough. Underwhelm is an understatement. Disappoint is more appropriate. I give and I give and I work so hard and invest so much into people and time after time I am let down. Perhaps I am just a romantic about my relationships. I expect and hope that they will last forever. Then I feel foolish just a few months later for putting so much effort into it. It makes me not want to even be involved with people anymore. It's not a very profitable investment. Not that every relationship I develop is for the purpose of gaining something. But really, isn't that what the point of relationships are in the first place; some mutual benefit? I try to pour into people and I feel like I give so much and all I feel like nobody even recognizes that I care about them. I have a friend that I have maintained a relationship with for over 8 years. Just a few weeks ago he made the comment that he had no idea that I cared about him until a couple months ago. What's wrong with this? Is it my inability to communicate that I love someone? Probably. I'm not shy, but I am modest about my emotions. I don't like being exposed. I have to be very comfortable with someone and build a long history of trust before I can directly tell them that I love them.

That I Would Be Good

I think every woman wants to be wanted even at her worst. To be known and loved, not just loved but adored, when she is all those things she's told she's not supposed to be. It's interesting to me what society tells us we're supposed to be and what is acceptable behavior. Women are supposed to be so many different things: young, thin, smart (but not too smart), funny, successful (but not more than "him), independent (but not closed off), confident and self-assured (but never cocky), in control (but never controlling), kind, compassionate, courageous (but still in need of rescue), sexy (but not sexual), passionate (but not demanding). . . the list goes on. Why can't I be who I am and still be loved, even when I am who I'm not supposed to be?

I so often hear my girl friends talk about their fears in relating to men. Most commonly they express fear in being "too clingy" or scaring him away by becoming emotionally attached too quickly. I believe that you really have to be wise in protecting your heart and that there is infinite value in not giving too much away too quickly - physically and emotionally. Here's the problem to me: How can anyone expect to be physically involved with someone and not emotionally? Not only do I think it's impossible, but it's unhealthy. It's sick to be so disconnected from yourself that you can be with someone, even if it's under the pretenses of a casual encounter, that you either ignore, deny or rationalize away your emotional involvement. It's preposterous to expect a person to be able to compartmentalize their emotions from their physical being in such a way. So if a girl is afraid of being "too clingy" it sounds ridiculous to me. Why is it unacceptable for a girl to desire or even demand attention from a guy that she has been physically involved with? I have a hard time believing that any self-respecting woman could be with a guy and never expect anything from him. The entire culture of dating and female-male relationships is so unbalanced and unhealthy. I know beautiful, smart, successful women who are reduced to whiney, nervous, insecure girls because "he never called," and the guy brags about it to his friends and walks away feeling like a champ, zero responsibility. Maybe men don't respect women because women don't often demand respect. For some reason feeling loved is more important than being respected. So women bend over backwards, disrupt their lives and put everything else on hold to feel loved and men are not required to be a pursuer or even an equal participant. How do we correct this problem though? I'm starting by doing away with the notion that a girl can be "too clingy" after being involved with a guy. I'm demanding the attention and respect that I deserve before giving a part of myself to someone. I'm worth that and I'm waiting for a man who recognizes that and adores me even when I'm at my "worst."

Medical Clearance

I finally, finally, finally, got my medical clearance for the US State Department! After a year of doctors, tests, needles, ridiculous diagnoses, and utter frustration, I have an unlimited medical clearance.

Pretty funny how the background check/security clearance took no more than 6 weeks after all my traveling and moving but the medical clearance took nearly a year when I've never been sick. The whole process really tested my limits, not to mention my faith. Now that I'm an eligible candidate and moving forward to start my dream job it's easy to believe that God had some purpose in making me wait. Looking back over the last few months I have totally given up in so many ways. I doubted God's sovereignty and love. I let the disappointment and frustration get the best of me.

At the same time though I had just reached a point where I was okay with doing something else. I signed a lease, took a teaching job for the 2007/2008 academic year and decided to get out of the holding pattern. I determined to take advantage of my current circumstances and enjoy the time and relationships I have now rather than focusing only on the next step. I've always been so goal oriented and visionary that I have often neglected the present. I wait for the next big event to occur before I can really start living. I focus on how much better my life will be once I have ____. For the last two years all I have been able to think about is how fabulous my life will be once I am in the Foreign Service, living overseas, doing a job I love, serving my country, making a good salary, traveling, etc. So for me to take a step to make the most of "now" is significant. Now everything is up in the air again. I could get an assignment anytime in the next 18 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited. It's just funny how things work.

In the Mirror

This weekend I got a reminder of where I've been. My best friend from high school got married in Orlando. I haven't been back in at least 5 or 6 years. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I was dreading going back. I was attacked by fear and anxiety of seeing people and places that I did not want to see. Much of it was a fear of having an emotional reaction that I didn't want to have. I hated the fact that after so many years I could still be hurting. I thought I had gotten over it, I had forgiven and healed and I haven't been affected in years. The prospect of running into people who had hurt me so deeply was enough to reduce me to emotional wreckage. How would I feel when I saw them? What would I say? What would they say? Would they still stand in judgment of me through tight smiles? I began to panic.

Ever since the Spring of my senior year of high school I have been determined to become someone significant. At first it was an "I'll show them" attitude. I quickly realized that I am someone significant and that I deserve respect. I have always been hard working, smart, charming, bright and kind. Making mistakes doesn't eliminate all those aspects of my character. We all make mistakes and the measure of a woman is demonstrated by her ability to recover from those mistakes and use her circumstances to her advantage. I am a woman of courage and integrity and I should not let anyone make me feel otherwise. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them." I took that on as my motto this weekend and determined to celebrate my friend's wedding regardless of the condescending stares.

Overall I think that this weekend destroyed some spiritual strongholds in my life. I think Satan was using lies and fear to keep me trapped. Once I arrived in Orlando and began interacting with past acquaintances again I realized that I had no reason to be afraid. Most people were happy to see me and impressed with all I have accomplished. It ended up being a very encouraging weekend after all. Not that I plan on taking regular vacations to Orlando, but I feel like I conquered something and that a little light penetrated the darkness. I needed to look in the rear view mirror to remind me of where I've been, where I'm going, and who I am. With that glance Orlando doesn't hold as much of the oppressive spirit that it did a week ago. I'm thankful. Thankful that I had the strength to go, face my fear and come out encouraged. Perhaps I never had anything to fear, but as the other Roosevelt said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."

Playing the Field Redux

I came across an old post that I never published. After reading it again I had to post it because I find myself in the same position yet again. It just goes to show that all that time I thought I was learning and growing I was really running in circles. It's a little frustrating. Same story new characters. The situtation has intesified over the last couple months though and I'm just more confused than ever.

I hate being in the position of wanting to be with someone I can't be with or wanting to be with someone who doesn't share that desire. I'm frustrated with distance and I'm frustrated by proximity. The person I would like to spend more time with lives a thousand miles away and the person I would like to get the farthest away from works next door.

Speaking of distance. . . I'm attending a wedding next weekend. An old friend from high school is getting married in Orlando. Usually I would be really excited about a wedding and seeing old friends, etc. This time I'm just nervous and kind of dreading it. Not that I'm not exctited for my friend, I'm thrilled for her and really proud, in a strange way. I've known her for so long and to see her all grown up and getting married, anyway. So I haven't been back to Orlando in years. And any time I spent there while I was in college was brief and uncomfortable. News of an old boyfriend who has moved back to Orlando added to my anxiety about the wedding. After high school any time I went to Orlando I lived in fear of running into him somewhere or seeing a friend of his or even hearing his name mentioned. It feels petty and young but all these fears have bombarded me again. I'm just not in a position right now to deal with that. My arsenal is empty and I'm heading into a battle zone with only my wits.

Random Questions

At least twice in the last few weeks I've been accused of "choosing my words very carefully." I've never considered myself a very guarded person, but I guess I am careful about what I let people know about me. It's self preservation. Is this a sign that I don't trust people? I am not of the mindset that everyone is "out to get me." But I am selective about with who I want to be emotionally vulnerable. Funny thing is I haven't been very choosy about with who I am physically vulnerable. Why does a physical bond with someone seem much safer than an emotional bond? In reality physical intimacy is much more dangerous. I don't want to open myself up to a lot of pain and hassle, but I still want to be close to people. This is the reason I love answering/asking random questions. It feels like a casual way for people to get to know me. Perhaps that's why we all enjoy those online quizzes that we post on our myspace/facebook profiles.

I need a Kit-Kat

Remember the old commercial; it came on during the Cosby show. It had a catchy little tune: "Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of the Kit-Kat Bar." Right now, no candy bar could give me the break I need.

Have you ever felt like you're living a nightmare? Maybe you've had one of those dreams, early in the morning, between waking and sleeping, where the people, situations, conversations and locations seem so real, but at the same time, not right. This is my existence right now. I have perfectly normal interactions with people, I even have fun. The day to day of life is pretty great. But there's this overarching "wrongness." I can't pinpoint it, or even describe it well.

Lately, everything has gone wrong. Not in the I-spilled-my-coffee, wrecked my car, or my boyfriend dumped me kind of way. I mean in the, I've lost everything that's important to me kind of way. Granted, the people I care about are still around, but everything I've worked for has slowly slipped away over the last few months. It's like trying to hold water in a sieve.

I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful. It has always worked. I work hard, I get what I want. I set out to meet a goal, I take the necessary steps to achieve it. Success has come fairly easily to me. Lately though, the only thing preventing me from getting what I want is completely out of my control.

It really makes me angry at first. Really angry. Angry at God mostly. Why has my life been so hard? Why, if he is sovereign, do these horrible things keep happening to me? Why, if he loves me, does he let such painful things prevent me from living the abundant life I thought he had planned for me? My first conclusion is that he really doesn't love me at all. But I know right away that's a lie. My experience has always been that God does love me. All good things in my life have been a direct blessing from Him. My second conclusion then, is that God has misled or deceived me. Why did he lead me to believe that he had specific things he wanted me to accomplish and a certain path he wanted me to take. All the roadsigns where there, the path was lit, the way was clear. Now that path has put me at a dead end, the forest is closing in around me and all the trees look the same. This can't be right either. The God I know is Truth. He is incapable of deception. My third conclusion then, is that God really isn't sovereign. He's not in control of my circumstances and even if he did love me and did have certain plans for me, he is incapable of orchestrating my circumstances to make things work. So where does this leave me? I can't believe that God a) doesn't love me, b) is deceitful, or c) is powerless. It must not be a problem with God then. It must be a problem in how I view God. I have to go on what I know to be true about the character of God and trust that he does love me and he does have good things for me. Maybe things aren't going the way I want or expected them too. There has to be an alternative plan that I can't see right now.

It's easy to trust God when life is easy. It's much harder when nothing makes sense and everything is falling apart at the seams. I'm just not sure how many more disappointments I can handle at this point. Give me a break. . .

Attitude Adjustment

I can't say that the last few months have gone exactly as I had hoped. It's become easy for me to waste time feeling sorry for myself. I've always thought of myself as a positive person with the ability to push through disappointment with a smile on my face. Lately this quality has been put to the test.

My favorite movie growing up was The Princess Bride. In the midst of a sword fight, "Dread Pirate Roberts" tells Inigo Montoya to "get used to disappointment." I don't think I ever recognized the tragedy in this statement until recently.

I hate the fact that I'm beginning to accept disappointment as a way of life. Perhaps it sounds naive, but I have always sustained the belief that things work out for good. I know God is sovereign and until lately I've little trouble believing that He has my best interests in mind. Maybe I've had doubts at times, but never have I been so thoroughly frustrated for an extended period of time.

It's time for an attitude adjustment.

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about how I use my resources and the opportunities I have to leverage eternal outcomes. The pastor at the church I've been attending has been talking about money management and stewardship lately. I am most often inclined to be quite selfish with how I use my time, money and energy. One idea that has stuck with me is that the only way to overcome greed is to put someone else's needs above my own. I think this is true with any other kind of selfishness. My self-pity and absorption with my disappointment can only be overcome by putting other people's needs before my own. I've often read that the best way to beat depression is to help someone else. It's common to compare oneself to all the people in better circumstances, but I never compare myself to someone who's worse-off. So I'm committing my time and resources to improving others' situations.

Am I ignoring my problems? Maybe. Maybe I'm just coping. I do know that I'm not willing to "get used to disappointment." I have to trust that God is sovereign and that in spite of things not going the way I planned, I am still on an incredible adventure that will end in "Happily Ever After."

Settling In

After three months at home, I've realized that this is going to be more long-term than I orginally expected. I've run into more complications with my Medical Clearance for the State Department. Which, to anyone who knows me is completely ridiculous. I've never been sick a day in my life. I've caught a flu or a cold, but nothing that I ever had to miss a day of school or work over. But apparently, I have TB. This is nothing new. I've had at least three positive TB skin tests over the years, but always a negative chest x-ray and never a sign of active TB. I was probably exposed to it when I was younger and it never leaves your system. So now, I'm probably going to have to complete 6-9 months of inconvenient treatment before I'm cleared for overseas employment. That's not even the worst of it though. This spring, after multiple blood tests, it turns out that I'm not producing enough neutrophils (bacteria-fighting white blood cells). Neutropenia is usually a symptom of lymphoma or leukemia; of which, I have neither. What really gets me is that in all my traveling I have always been the one who stayed healthy. I have never gotten any kind of bacterial infection, ameoba, parasite, nothing. It's just so frustrating that they received these test results nearly 8 months ago and are just now taking notice. I've been in pre-employment screening for almost a year now. Actually almost two years ago to the day, I decided that I wanted a career in the Foreign Service. I never thought I would still be waiting. Even two months ago, I thought for sure I would be packing my bags by January. I refused to settle in here and accept that I might be living at home for more than a few months. Now I guess I have to face the truth. So what do I want to accomplish here? How am I going to best use my time in Colorado? What's my next move in terms of advancing my career while I wait for my job to come through? I'm sure working at P.F. Chang's isn't going to get me very far.

Playing the Field

Let me preface this by saying that as a Christian I am truly interested in treating all men with respect, kindness, and in a way that acknowledges the fact that they are created in the image of God and have an eternal soul and a vulnerable heart. Now, I'm going to reveal the selfishness of my natural state that usually takes over when I deal with men.

I need an offensive coordinator for my love-life. Someone to needs teach me to read the defense and know when to use a screen pass to gain a few yards or throw a hail mary for the end-zone.

My entire adolescent and adult love life has consisted of two different situations: 1)trying to figure out how to make a specific guy like me, and getting/keeping his attention without making him think I'm going to sleep with him; and 2)trying to make a specific guy that I'm not interested in know that I'm not interested without being hurtful or unkind. Right now I'm experiencing both situations, but the first one to a greater degree than the second. First, the guy I really like isn't interested in me beyond the fact that I'm a girl and he just really likes girls in general. Why can't I just forget about this guy and find someone who does appreciate me? I'm trying. So, that leads into situation two. There are about three other guys who have expressed interest in me. Do I continue to indicate interest in the guy I really like knowing that it probably won't go anywhere? Or do I casually flirt with the others, knowing that they will "take the bait"? Maybe a simpler way to phrase the question is, do I go after what I really want, or do I settle for the obtainable? Easy answer, right? Go for what you really want. Now the tricky part for me is that with guys, I don't want to be the one "going after" someone. They should be the ones in pursuit. So what's the key? How do I get a particular guy to pursue me? How do I modestly suggest that I would be open to the chase? Is it even worth my time and energy? At this point in my life, probably not. I'm not looking to get married or even get into a serious relationship right now. I wouldn't even know what to do with this guy once I caught him anyway. I think I just want to be wanted. If that's the case, any one of the interested fellows could satisfy that desire. But that's not fair to them. This puts me back into my pattern of self-imposed singledom seasoned with casual flirting and the intrigue of "what-if" with any attractive male friend.

Waiting

I've only seen part of the movie "Waiting," and I really didn't like it. Actually, I was so disgusted that I intentionally avoided watching it even though it was showing in the same room. Now that I'm working in a restaurant again, I think I get it a little better. Fortunately we don't have quite the stereotypes as portrayed in the film, but there are a few I'd like to add. You'll have to forgive any duplications, because, like I said I tried really hard not to watch it.

Angry guy: Guy who complains about everything. If he doesn't get a table quick enough, he's mad. If he gets a table too quickly, he gets mad. If he has too few people at a table, he complains. If he has too many people at a table, he complains. If the food comes out too quick, he's mad. If it comes out too slow, he's mad. If the cute hostess doesn't talk to him, he's mad. . .yea, I don't think he gets mad if she talks to him too much, but that has yet too happen (since he's always mad, no one likes talking to him). If he gets too many shifts in a week, he's mad. If he doesn't get enough shifts in a week, he's mad. I've even seen him be mad at a table for ordering too much food, and mad at a table for not ordering enough food. You get the point. And since servers drink A LOT together, he's a pretty angry drunk.

Future restaurant manager girl: This is the girl who has been working at the same restaurant in the same position since the doors opened on day one. She's the one that no one really likes except the managers. She's really sweet to everyone, but never in sincerity. She definitely knows how to play the game, and you can imagine her as Kristy Allie's character in Drop Dead Gorgeous where she would kill anyone who got in her way all while wearing an evening gown, heels, tiara, and vaseline on her smiling lips.

Anarchist guy: this guy uses the F-word to describe literally everything. He hates f-ing laws, despises f-ing politicians as corrupt f-ing pigs, talks about the f-ing military-industrial complex as if it was f-ing mold in his own f-ing basement, curses pop f-ing culture and refuses to bathe regularly or wear deoderant.

Invisible guy: He always has his shifts picked up. Never works. I don't know if anyone has actually met him other than the gut who hired him three years ago and moved into regional management status soon after. . .for some reason I don't think that's a coincidence.

Kelis (ie. Bossy): This chick knows it all and will tell you exactly what you are doing wrong and how to do it right. From putting beverage napkins on the table with the restaurant logo FACING the guest at a right angle, to drizzling caramel sauce on two 3 3/4 inch scoops of ice cream in a back and forth motion starting at the right corner of the plate, this girl will tell you how to do it all.

Stressed out guy: Any sign of busy-ness attacks this guy with serious anxiety. His motto is "be like a duck, remain calm on the surface but paddle like hell under water." At a table he is the picture of poise and serenity, in the back he's dragging on his inhaler, mopping sweat from his face and dashing from appetizer line to entree line like he's running sprints at football practice.

Drunk guy: He's always drunk or getting drunk. He comes into work drunk so as not to feel the hangover from the night before and saunters over to the restaurant next door to take shots between tables.

While I'm waiting for the State Department to call, I might as well enjoy my time waiting tables. It's a good time. Stick around to learn more about the characters in my restaurant.

Long November

Living at home with my parents has both good and bad qualities. I like not paying rent, paying utility bills and having food in the refrigerator that I didn't pay for and can eat without starting a fight. I don't like having to call home if I'm going to be later than 2, being chauffered everywhere by my dad because I don't have a car, not being able to invite people over anytime I want and not having as much space for me and all my stuff. Most of the time I'm at work so it's really okay when I'm at home. I work alot. I work almost everyday, weekends included. I have one day a week that I know I don't have to work: Thursdays. I don't work Thursdays because my Yoga class is on Thursday mornings and The Office and NCAA football are on Thursday night. Every other day I work either lunch or dinner, or both. Usually both. I like my job. I like the people I work with. It's a fun place for me to earn some money while I wait for the State Department to call me. I'm beginning to wonder when that's going to happen. I'm looking forward to being on my own again and really starting my life as an adult.

I read an interesting little article in the Denver Post this morning about 20Somethings and the new transition into adulthood. This is the first generation that hasn't jumped headlong into a full-time, life-long career right out of college. 20Somethings spend a lot more time traveling, working part-time or temporary jobs while they figure out who they are. I liked the way one of the subjects described the process: It's about trying to fit an identity to your body. I'm familiar with my body, I know what the physical part of me is about, and I'm finally at the point where I really like that part of me and am comfortable with that. But the identity part, the 'who am I and what I stand for' part of me is still fuzzy. I think part of it is about determining priorities. Up until now, my priorities have focused around friends, family and school. Now that school is done, it seems natural that career would fall in its place. It's trickier than that though. Choosing a Career is more of a process or series of decisions rather than one choice. I want to choose a career path more than just a job. Where will my job take me in 10, 15, 30 years? Is it something that will contribute to my overall goals? What are my overall goals? What steps do I need to take to achieve those? This is where I think having a good mentor comes in. Someone who knows the ropes, knows the path and can offer some guidance. Now where do I get one of those? There aren't that many women (or men for that matter) that have taken the path I want to follow. And I don't know any of them. So now what? I guess I need to start looking for jobs outside the service industry, or just hope and pray that Bill Ritter will sit at my table for lunch.

Fort Jackson, SC

After nearly 12 weeks in training at Fort Jackson, SC it feels really good to be home. I had a great summer though. It really was a good experience. Of course there were times when all I wanted was to come home, but all in all, I dare say I enjoyed it. I met some good people, learned some important lessons, and had multiple opportunities to put my moral courage to the test. I don't know if I always made the right decisions, but I made it through without any casualties. They say that a person's true character shines through in the most stressful situations. I think this summer was a test of my integrity and a test of my priorities. I realized a few things about myself and about life in general:

I am a selfish person
I am no different than anyone else, but it is only by the grace of God and the Holy Spirit working through me that I can be changed.
I only fail when I give up on myself
Success is not about the awards and distinctions, but about how you impact people
Leadership is about good decision making, but more often it's about good execution of those decisions
The only way to face fears or obstacles is head on
The only way to recover from failure is to keep moving without loss of momentum
Circumstances are much less important that character

I could probably add a few more axioms to sum up what I learned this summer, but I don't want to trivialize my experience. In hindsight everything is easy. The hard part now is taking what I learned and putting it to work for me now, in the civilian world. Now that I'm home, I feel like I'm re-entering my other life. My military life and my civilian life are like two compartmentalized beings. I really want the military me to be a greater part of my civilian life. The military me is bolder, stronger, less concerned with other people's opinions, and more willing to help people. The civilian me is pretty timid and even though I'm friendly and kind, I don't assert myself or speak up for myself. If I want to be a leader in both of those worlds, I need to incorporate my military training into my everyday life.

"Trying to Date"

So this guy is "trying to date this girl." What does that mean? I've heard that several times from friends who have been "trying to date" a girl. Is it that difficult? I guess girls, in general, are hard to be with. I don't think I'd be hard to date at all. Why isn't anyone trying to date me? I'm easy to be with. I'm funny, smart, pretty, easy-going, I like to laugh, I'm adventurous. Why is it so hard for boys to like me? I hate the saying, "all the good ones are taken or gay," but I'm beginning to think it's true. . .

Isn't It Ironic?

If someone were to ask me about my favorite band, I would have to say "U2," hands down - they're the best band in the history of music. While I adore Bono, the Edge, Adam and Larry, I think the musician who has had the greatest impact on my understanding of how women relate to men is Alanis Morisette. I know she's not really a great role model and songs like, "You Oughta Know," and "Right Through You" are not anthems to healthy relationships. I think that the fact that she became popular when I was first becoming interested in boys and my mom really didn't like her, had a lot to do with the fact that I claimed her as my own voice of angst and emotion. I used to sing "Head Over Feet" to my first boyfriend. When we broke up, all I wanted to listen to was "You Learn." It's fitting that "Ironic" is my current soundtrack.

I'm moving on Friday. Leaving Lawrence and not coming back for any extended period of time. It makes sense that I just met the man of my dreams.

When I first moved here in August 2004, one of my friends and mentors predicted that I would meet my husband here. I laughed it off and forgot it about. At the time I was pretty convinced that I had already met my husband, he just lived 1000 miles away and didn't quite realize that he was in love with me. I was still convinced of that until about a week ago. Now, I'm really hoping she was right.

I met this guy at my regular coffee shop. When I walked in the door, I overheard him talking about the city where I went to college. After ordering my latte, I sat down at a table next to his and tried to look consumed with my book while eavesdropping. He wasn't saying very flattering things about my city or my alma matter, so I looked over and indignantly asked if he was from there.

"I lived there for a few months. Why? Am I trashing your town?"

"Yeah, you are," I replied shyly, realizing how rude I had been.

It turns out we have a lot in common. He's spent some time in Latin America, he enjoys talking about politics, he's in law school, he's really good looking, smart and funny. He likes to camp and hike. It's really perfect. He's pretty much everything I could want. Most importantly he's a Christian.

He came to my graduation party two weeks ago. We chatted for a little while. He was one of the last to leave.

Last week I went out with a group to celebrate a friend's 8th anniversary in the US. I knew he would be there. We only talked for a few minutes but that's when I realized how much I really like him. I had been joking with my roommates about how I wanted to date him. Joke's on me though, 'cause I really want him.

And now he's helping me move tomorrow. Isn't it ironic?