Girl Talk (Part 2)

Last time in "Girl Talk" I discussed my issues with the "I just want to get married and have babies" women. I decided that while that's all well and good for them, this type of life decision scares the pants off me (err, or scares them on me). Today I want to talk about the women who lose all semblance of individuality when they get into a relationship with a man. I understand that it's common to make some changes in behavior when you begin dating someone. What I don't get, and don't like, are the women who completely change all behavior when they are dating someone. For example, I have a couple good friends who are in fairly serious relationships and whenever they speak to their boyfriends, their voice raises two octaves, becomes irritatingly nasal, and their tongues revert back to the speech patterns of a three year old. These are both women who are strongwilled, smart, outgoing, confident and beautiful. So please explain to me when they talk to their boyfriends they suddenly become passive, simple, childish, and insecure. Neither of them put much stock in femininity so their behavior is confusing and frustrating to me. Another example, one with which we are all painfully familiar, is my friend who starting dating a guy and suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet. She was completely unreachable by ANY means of communication for well over three months. Once they broke up she called me up and wanted to meet for lunch. We picked up right where we left off, but several other relationships have dissipated completely under these circumstances. Finally, there are the girls who can't talk about anything BUT the guys they are dating. I give them props for at least speaking to someone outside of their bilateral romance, but really, don't they DO anything else? It's as if suddenly all other interests, hobbies, goals, dreams, plans, fly out the window as soon as a boyfriend enters the picture. I had a good friend in college who was so enthusiastic about her future, she had plans for medical school, thought about joining Doctors without Borders, talked about global politics, participated in charity events, was very active in her sorority, then she met this guy. She was still around but she gave up on med school, traded the front-page for the sports-section, gave up positions in some of the organizations in which she was involved and eventually moved away to follow her boyfriend in his pursuits. Her world suddenly revolved around this guy. She became boring, dull, predictable, and completely engrossed in his world.

It all reminds me of the tabloid gimick to refer to hollywood couples by a combining parts of their names (Ben-nifer, Brangelina, etc.). Instead of incorporating any part of their own names in the hybrid, it seems that many women just prefer to be called by their boyfriends' names. Not to knock the tradition of women changing their last names when they get married - to each her own. What I mean is that name changing often represents a change in identity rather than just changing the way you write your name.

As a woman who hasn't been in a real relationship in quite some time, I look to my friends for cues on how to behave around men that they care about. When I see this example of a loss of identity it makes me very cautious about dating in general. I know compromise and adaptation is part of a relationship, but I don't see many guys altering their behavior, let alone their entire demeanor for their girlfriends.

I have a friend, a brilliant woman who has been dating this loser off and on for a year or so now. He's very controlling, selfish, narcissistic, and narrow-minded. Why she continues to get involved with this guy I have no idea. She's writing her thesis on gender roles in American society. Loosely paraphrased the title is "There aren't any more feminists, just women who pay for their own boob jobs." This dichotomy is fascinating to me. She is so strong in so many areas of her life and yet almost helpless when it comes to her boyfriend.

After tossing this around in my head for a couple weeks, I have to come to same conclusion about my dislike for "just call me by my boyfriend's name" women as for the "I just want to get married and have babies" women. It's the loss of freedom, loss of self that I dislike. Perhaps I'll change my mind when I meet a man who makes me want to be all about him. But something tells me I never will.