Semi-deep Thoughts and Dirty Little Secrets

If you know me very well, or if all you know of me is from reading this blog, you have probably figured out that I am a bit of a mystic. I believe that God communicates to us in many different ways; through orchestrated circumstances, a chance encounter, a timely rainbow, an insightful conversation, and as I've experienced lately, through yoga. In a nutshell, I believe that all truth comes from God and He communicates that to us in the most effective, personal way.

I've been taking yoga classes fairly regularly now for the last couple months and the results have been great - not what I expected, but good nonetheless. I haven't gotten the Jennifer Aniston body, but I have limbered up a bit, gained some strength and learned a few things.

On Sundays the instructor sets a theme or an intention for our 90 minute session. It's become a more spiritually invigorating practice than church has been lately. I was actually very overwhelmed as I walked home after class yesterday. I've been thinking a lot how we know God's will and how I find truth, how I know and understand God and His plan for me. The struggle for me in this is that I've been taught that knowing God is a rules-based relationship; a list of dos and don'ts. There have been times when I've felt close to God but it always had something to do with me believing that I was following the rules and thus was allowed to enjoy God's presence. I get so weary of always trying to do what I'm supposed to do and I allow myself little room for error. My brother commented the other day that I give him such a hard time because I have such high expectations for myself. That's a whole other conversation though. But I do set really high goals, try hard for a while to accomplish them, and when I don't see the expected results within a month or two, I give up. Then once I've had time to recover and I'll give it another shot. On either side I go all out. When I'm committed, I'm all the way there. When I'm not, I'm really not, verging on self-destructive. To get back to the point, I'm tired of thinking of my relationship with God in terms of following a set of rules and performing specific duties, then feeling guilty and giving up when I slip up.

So I was thinking about it as I walked home yesterday and I was overwhelmed by the understanding that God communicates love to me in a very personal way. It was a gorgeous day, the sun was shining on my face, the breeze played with my hair and cooled my skin, birds sung among the rustling leaves around me. It was almost like a love song written to me; I accepted and enjoyed it.

I think a few years ago I would have cringed at this discussion because I was so concerned with what I assumed to be right, with what other Christians perceived as right. I shyed away from yoga classes, and more generally a relative view of religion, because I thought it might expose me to some dangerous Eastern religious philosophy that would inhibit my ability to know God and Truth. More than that, I think I was scared that my religious friends would chastise that behavior. I was curious though and needed some help loosening up (physically and emotionally) So instead, I bought a Yoga DVD and did it at home, alone, and hid it when I was done. It was my little secret. In fact I have many of these secret behaviors that are quite harmless, but I hide them anyway. For example, I have no idea why I impulsively lie about cutting or coloring my hair. I'll change something about my appearance, someone will pay me a compliment, and without missing a beat I act as though I have no idea what they're talking about and pretend as though I've always looked this way. Why do I do that? It's stupid, petty, insecure, but it's become a natural reaction. Perhaps I don't want people to know that I'm vain.

Taking classes in yoga is one way I'm starting to do what I want to do. I hope it lends me some bravery to conquer some other irrational fears. I'm really getting sick of letting my fear of how others might react have any weight in my decisions. I've always envied people who could live uninhibited. I'm not throwing wisdom or discernment out the window, I just want to allow myself the freedom to pursue things that interest me, regardless of what anyone else might think.