Heartbeats

One night to be confused

One night to speed up truth

We had a promise made

Four hands and then away

Both under influence

We had divine sense

To know what to say

Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

One night of magic rush

The start a simple touch

One night to push and scream

And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes

The colors red and blue

We had a promise made

We were in love

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil

And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth

Sharing different heartbeats

In one night

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

Spring Fever or Boy Crazy?

I had a date today. A real date with a man. We had a great time, or at least I had a great time. I think it was the first date I've been on in . . . it's embarassing, so I'll just say, "a while."


We took a rock climbing clinic at my gym, my idea. I thought it was a really good first date idea; not a lot of time for awkward silence, and he's the athletic adventurous type so an activity that gives him an opportunity to show off and enjoy himself. Then we had an early dinner; very casual and great conversation.


So now, I'm anxious. As often as I go on a date, I go on second dates about half as often. I really hope he calls me. I guess since he's the one who suggested dinner it's my turn to come up with something else. He did ask me to go to lunch sometime, but that was last week. I just really hope I didn't unknowingly do/say something idiotic to scare him off.


There's this line between indicating interest and coming on too strong. For me, I have never been able to walk this line effectively. As a freshman in high school I was attracted to a guy, and I just told him, right to his face. I was so brave. His reaction? Nothing. He simply avoided me for the next four years. When I was nine I had a crush on a boy, and he threw sand in my face on the playground. When I was seven, the boy I liked threw spitwads at me in Sunday school. Now I know that this is how boys express interest. But it left a mark. Now, twenty years later and pretty much the same level of success, my romantic compass is a bit off.

The Choices We Make

I'm teaching an Intro to Political Science class this semester and recently we've been studying social movements, and, specifically, the American Civil Rights Movement. My own academic and personal research has focused on these topics, so naturally I'm quite enthusiastic about teaching them. What fascinates and inspires me about social movements is the involvement of average people taking important matters into their own hands to influence governments to take action. In the midst of reading and teaching classes on social action and citizen involvement in politics, I've been struck with a dilemma.


I've been pretty down on the US government, and kind of the whole country in general lately. Perhaps I've been watching the news too much, but I think it has more to do with the fact that there are so many terrible things happening that no one seems to do anything about, or the bureaucratic solution seems to create more problems than it solved. I don't really want to go into depth about the issues on my mind right now, but let's just say there are few things that I think are going well. . . actually I can't think of anything that's going well right now in terms of government decision-making. I want to be perfectly clear that I do not blame all the current circumstances on President Bush. The mess I believe America is in has little to do with the decisions of an individual, regardless of how much power he wields. The great bureaucratic machine has much more to do with our daily lives than the President or Congress ever will.


Not too long ago I wrote about Into the Wild and how I envied Christopher McCandless. He had what seemed to be ultimate freedom. He left everything behind. Not because he didn't care about the rest of the world, quite the opposite acutally, but because he was deeply concerned with experiencing life. He was troubled by the social problems that surrounded him and just grew weary of the pain and frustration.

To me this is a very attractive option. I've often harboured dreams of escaping my frustrations by leaving everything behind. These ideas can overwhelm me and I feel the desperation rising in my throat.

Then there's the part of me that knows that nothing will ever be solved by my leaving. It might make me feel better for a while, to ignore the things that distress me, but I could never live that way for long.

My dilemma, then, is this: do I choose to stay and fight for the things that I think are important, or do I turn and leave them behind, knowing full well that any efforts are likely to be unsuccessful.

I was struck with this after reading oral histories of activists in the Civil Rights Movement. They put their lives on the line to gain greater freedom for society as a whole. Many of them joined as the Movement progressed, but a few people took initiative to take action, to make a change.

What I really want is freedom. Selfishly, I want the freedom to live my life the way I want, and to make my own decisions, uninhibited by ridiculous social norms or unwarranted expectations. I know that the choices I make are not isolated, and they have some wider effect.

I don't want to feel so responsible for solving the world's problems. I also know that most people are apathetic or feel hopeless, and if I don't act on my convictions I'm denying my nature.

I can't get the words of Nelson Mandela out of my head, "For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others."

Rush of Blood to the Head

Have you ever had a moment when someone you thought you knew so well suddenly seems like an alien? It's baffling to me how quickly my perception of a person can change, and yet, how they always stay the same. Perhaps it's the curse that love is blind to flaws and at some point, when the feelings begin to fade, you get a flash of reality. Suddenly all the small inconsistencies make sense and a person's true nature is revealed, but it's not what you expected to see at all. It's a crushing, numbing experience and the only response is to turn around, speechless, and just walk away.

One of my married friends once told me that the first year of marriage is always the hardest because you learn, "I am the most selfish person in the world and he/she is the second most selfish person in the world." I don't think I have to get married to learn that, my problem is that the other person will often hold the first-place position.

Girl Talk (Part 2)

Last time in "Girl Talk" I discussed my issues with the "I just want to get married and have babies" women. I decided that while that's all well and good for them, this type of life decision scares the pants off me (err, or scares them on me). Today I want to talk about the women who lose all semblance of individuality when they get into a relationship with a man. I understand that it's common to make some changes in behavior when you begin dating someone. What I don't get, and don't like, are the women who completely change all behavior when they are dating someone. For example, I have a couple good friends who are in fairly serious relationships and whenever they speak to their boyfriends, their voice raises two octaves, becomes irritatingly nasal, and their tongues revert back to the speech patterns of a three year old. These are both women who are strongwilled, smart, outgoing, confident and beautiful. So please explain to me when they talk to their boyfriends they suddenly become passive, simple, childish, and insecure. Neither of them put much stock in femininity so their behavior is confusing and frustrating to me. Another example, one with which we are all painfully familiar, is my friend who starting dating a guy and suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet. She was completely unreachable by ANY means of communication for well over three months. Once they broke up she called me up and wanted to meet for lunch. We picked up right where we left off, but several other relationships have dissipated completely under these circumstances. Finally, there are the girls who can't talk about anything BUT the guys they are dating. I give them props for at least speaking to someone outside of their bilateral romance, but really, don't they DO anything else? It's as if suddenly all other interests, hobbies, goals, dreams, plans, fly out the window as soon as a boyfriend enters the picture. I had a good friend in college who was so enthusiastic about her future, she had plans for medical school, thought about joining Doctors without Borders, talked about global politics, participated in charity events, was very active in her sorority, then she met this guy. She was still around but she gave up on med school, traded the front-page for the sports-section, gave up positions in some of the organizations in which she was involved and eventually moved away to follow her boyfriend in his pursuits. Her world suddenly revolved around this guy. She became boring, dull, predictable, and completely engrossed in his world.

It all reminds me of the tabloid gimick to refer to hollywood couples by a combining parts of their names (Ben-nifer, Brangelina, etc.). Instead of incorporating any part of their own names in the hybrid, it seems that many women just prefer to be called by their boyfriends' names. Not to knock the tradition of women changing their last names when they get married - to each her own. What I mean is that name changing often represents a change in identity rather than just changing the way you write your name.

As a woman who hasn't been in a real relationship in quite some time, I look to my friends for cues on how to behave around men that they care about. When I see this example of a loss of identity it makes me very cautious about dating in general. I know compromise and adaptation is part of a relationship, but I don't see many guys altering their behavior, let alone their entire demeanor for their girlfriends.

I have a friend, a brilliant woman who has been dating this loser off and on for a year or so now. He's very controlling, selfish, narcissistic, and narrow-minded. Why she continues to get involved with this guy I have no idea. She's writing her thesis on gender roles in American society. Loosely paraphrased the title is "There aren't any more feminists, just women who pay for their own boob jobs." This dichotomy is fascinating to me. She is so strong in so many areas of her life and yet almost helpless when it comes to her boyfriend.

After tossing this around in my head for a couple weeks, I have to come to same conclusion about my dislike for "just call me by my boyfriend's name" women as for the "I just want to get married and have babies" women. It's the loss of freedom, loss of self that I dislike. Perhaps I'll change my mind when I meet a man who makes me want to be all about him. But something tells me I never will.