There Must be Something Else

Last night I had a horrible dream about my current work situation. I dreamed that I was fired from my current position with no explanation, no severance package, and no one to defend me. I was instructed to train three new interns who would take over my responsibilities and be gone by the end of the week.

I remember being so angry in my dream. When I woke up, I was still angry. I calmed myself down by thinking about all the things I could do if I DID get fired without pretense or warning. If nothing else, I could always go back to serving tables for a while. When I walked into work this morning, I got angry all over again. Obviously, this is not a healthy place for me to be. I resolved myself to finding some new way to pay the bills.

About one-thirty this afternoon, I received an e-mail informing me that my "application was NOT referred or accepted," for the job I mentioned in my previous post. I wanted to feel disappointed. I wanted to be frustrated. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. In spite of all the demoralizing statements I carry around in my head to pull out for such occasions, I couldn't help but believe that there must be something else, something better for me. I keep referring back to other career-related disappointments I've dealt with over the last few years. On the end of each one, I can always find reason to be thankful it didn't work out the way I had hoped.

Maybe I need to decide that a job is just a job and it doesn't have to be anything else. I really struggle, though, with spending such a vast majority of my life performing tasks that don't matter and will never make me happy. But maybe that's not what a job is supposed to do; give purpose to my life or provide satisfaction? Maybe I need to seek purpose and satisfaction in other things?

I keep hoping that things will change. There's nothing to do but keep filling out applications and hoping one of them hits. What have I got to lose?

Fingers Crossed

I was casually perusing the USA jobs website last week when I was surprised to find a position that seemed to be a perfect fit for me. It's a research and analysis job for the DOD, based on Colorado Springs, focusing on Latin America. The application deadline was yesterday.

I spent all day working on this application. It required 1-3 page responses to five different questions. The intent is for candidates to demonstrate in writing that they have the requisite experience to fill the position.

I want this job so much that I can hardly talk about it. I guess I believe that the more I talk about it, the more I'll want it, and the more I'll be disappointed when I don't get it. That's a sad way to pursue a career though, expecting to be let down and rejected.

I'm trying to adjust my attitude to reflect a greater belief in myself and my future, rather than my fears. I've dealt with disappointments before in my career and moved on. I may not be where I want to be, but that doesn't mean I stop trying to change my circumstances. I have to take chances; you can't win the lottery without buying a ticket, and you can't get the dream job without applying for it.