Year in Review

I have officially dubbed 2007 my year of disappointment. However, in the midst of my frustration and depression, there have been some real highlights.

First of all, it was confirmed, after a series of medical tests, that I do not have any of the following: leukemia, lymphoma, tubercolosis, HIV, lupus or crohn's. I'd say that ruling one of those diseases out makes for a good year. But being sure that I currently do not have any of those is pretty awesome.

Second, I revised and updated my resume several times; adding new experiences, placing greater emphasis on certain accomplishments, and all-in-all trying to make myself more impressive on paper.

Third, I conquered a couple fears. I had to overcome financial obstacles by making phone calls to creditors and enrolling in a debt management program. Usually I shy away from any problems that loosely relate to money, but this year I had to suck it up and be an adult. Look out lending and banking industry, I am no longer intimidated by your incredibly poor customer service, long hold-times, or ridiculous fee schedule. I have learned how to work the system to avoid you cheating me out of my hard earned money. Also, I learned to be more persistent, or more like, I learned something about the importance of being persistent. I've always had this fear of annoying people or being perceived as a pest. But this year I've tried to define the difference between pestering and persisting. Not that I have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there.

Fourth (and this is a real accomplishment), I watched all ten seasons of Friends. I became so engaged in the show that I found phrases from the dialogue creep into my own vernacular. I also learned that I need to watch less TV, and fill my down time more productively. More than anything, the fact that Friends is one of the major highlights of 2007 reminds me that this year was pretty desolate. It provided a nice escape. But this is supposed to be about remembering the positive aspects of 2007.

Fifth, I learned that I need to take vacations. I made only two visits to friends this year. Both I was quite apprehensive about, and both turned out beautifully. I guess that's two things: take more trips, and do things that I'm nervous about doing, because it often turns out much better than expected. In 2008 I am going to take more risks.

Finally, one of the best things about this year is the relationships I built. I have some stellar friends. Also, living so close to my parents provided a great opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them. Even when I hate my job and I can't seem to catch a break, my friends and family are a constant encouragement.

I could recount all my pitfalls and accomplishments of 2007, but I think that covers the big stuff. So, here's to the end of the year of disappointment and to a new year with new adventures, new friends, more time with old friends, finding a great job, persistently and intentionally pursuing my goals, and taking risks. Oh yeah, and less TV.

Reflections on the Christmas Season

This year I am reminded of how blessed I am. It's been a difficult year for me, but I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and every once in a while something comes along to help me remember that the universe is not set against me.



I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.



The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.



Even then, God reigns.



Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.



At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.



It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.



This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.

Certain Days

Every year, certain days jump of the calendar page and grab me. They just put me in a sentimental mood. Whether it be proud of all I've accomplished or questioning what would have been had I made different choices along the way. I don't have many regrets. In fact, if given the chance, I don't think I would change much of anything. Perhaps I would take better advantage of some opportunities than I did, but all in all I'm happy with the way things have turned out so far. We all have our scars, some are in more obvious places than others. It's been my experience though, that things really do work out for the greater good.

I'm laughing at myself after that last line just because I'm finally in a place where I can recognize and admit that. There have been times where there was no way I would ever have believed that things work out for the greater good. It's so easy to recognize the beauty in difficult circumstances when the light at the end of the tunnel is just within my grasp.

I've had to make peace with so many things, and once those wounds heal over, it's so much easier to make sense of it all.

So why is it still so hard? Why do these choices still haunt me?

Tingly-ness

It's times like this, when I feel like life is going well that I really want someone to share it all with. It's only natural to want to celebrate with someone who cares and will be just as excited as I am. I think when things are going well I can only help but want more. I'm never content. When I don't have a job, that's all I can focus on getting. When that begins to fall in to place, my focus shifts to other parts of my life I believe to be lacking. I haven't had a real relationship with a guy in like, 8 years. I feel like I can start to shift out of survival mode and begin to develop parts of my life I've had to shut off over the last few years. It's like letting blood back into a contricted limb. It feels foreign. It's good to know at least those parts are still attached.

A Good Week

When it rains, it pours. Last Friday I related my life to driving through a thick fog with "Road Closed" signs at every exit. I'm not claiming that suddenly the sun is shining and I can see everything clearly and my life has just fallen together all of the sudden. I can say that one little piece seems to be fitting in place.

I worked part time for an attorney this past week to help him prepare for his annual two week vacation in Italy (tough life). My main function was secretarial, so not a real challenge. I really liked the people, the office, and the attorney. On Thursday he asked me to work for him again when he gets back in the States. Since it's only part-time, I had to decline. On Thursday morning, I had an interview for a records clerk position at a law firm in Boulder. While I'm not too keen on organizing, labeling, and maintaining volumes of legal files full time; I really need a job, it's good pay, it's in Boulder, and the hours are favorable. The interview went really well.

You can imagine how good I was feeling as I walked in to another interview on Friday morning. I'm quite confident in my interviewing skills. On paper, I don't really stand out. If my resume can actually land me an interview I might have a good shot at the job.

I really want this job. It's perfect for me. I would be working with the Community Relations Director for a large, national law firm doing a little PR, a little accounting, a little event planning, some admininstrative work, and a lot of charity events. I wanted the job so bad when I left the interview that it made me nervous. I can't want anything too much, because then it won't work out. So I have to tone down my enthusiasm, pretend like I don't care, and prepare myself for disappointment.

I've always thought of myself as someone who gets what they want. I work hard to achieve my goals. But when it comes to the part that's out of my control, that's where I lose it.

Regardless of my fears, I was called back for a second interview.

YAY!

That afternoon, I went in to my temp job and the Office Manager wanted to meet with me. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at lunch. The managing partner of the firm wants to put together a full-time position for me.

Three potential jobs in two days. I'd say that's a good position to be in.

It really was a good week.

I hope things continue like this.

And Yo Again

One day I have a free lift ticket, fresh powder, friends to enjoy it with, and a broken credit card machine that results in free lunch - just about perfect; everything in my favor. The next day my flight is cancelled because of snow, I get stuck in traffic for three hours, and I have to battle with airline customer service associates to recoup my lost ticket. How does life go from being so great to so disappointing so quickly. Maybe my lesson in this is not to let things affect me so much. But honestly I don't think I let things bother me more than they should. It's reasonable to be disappointed about not getting to take a much anticipated and much needed vacation. It's also reasonable to feel good about the system working in my favor to get me a free day of skiing on fresh powder. What I can't allow myself to do anymore is extrapolate those reasonable emotions into irrational conclusions about my life and the universe in general. I've often resorted to placing all my frustrations and disappointments into a general "the entire universe is set against me" category. It's strange. Sometimes I am unbelievably lucky and other times I am incredibly unfortunate. Some days I feel like every force is set against me, and some days it seems like the cosmos are set in my favor. At one point I would have described it as spiritual warfare. I still believe this on some level. I've reached a point in my spiritual journey where I can't quite trust that there is anything working in my favor. Maybe that's where I've been wrong the whole time. Perhaps my idea of God has been so ego-centric that I really believed He was working for my benefit. In reality though, even though God loves me and wants me to succeed, He is working for his own glory, and His idea of my success is probably very different from my own goals. I want to believe God has a plan for my life and that it is ultimately better than any plan I could have for myself. It's hard to keep believing that when nothing makes sense.

I was driving back from Colorado Springs on Friday after my flight had been cancelled and I was so upset. I had really been looking forward to seeing one of my closest friends, meeting her boyfriend, and just enjoying her company for the weekend in a really fun location. When the weather interrupted my plans I sunk into what has become an all-too-common mindset of "why doesn't anything work out for me?" I was driving through a dense fog about 25 mph behind miles of traffic. The fog was so thick and the daylight was starting to fade, limiting visibility to the tail lights immediately in front of me. I pulled of at an exit to get some coffee and as soon as I pulled onto the side road I was confronted by a "Road Closed" sign. This is my life lately. I have nice diversions and good things happen to remind me that I'm not alone after all. But it seems that at every turn I'm met with a "Road Closed" sign. The fog is so thick that I can't see where I am and the darkness is rolling in all around. I'm looking for an exit but all I can see are the tail lights in front of me, keeping me on the road. I hope that when I get to my exit I can still see well enough not to miss it.

Yo-Yo

Lately my life has felt like a yo-yo. Everything is so back and forth. One day I have no job, no prospects, no money, and no hope for my future. The next I have two job interviews, more than enough money, a romantic prospect, and fun vacation plans.

A repeating theme this year has been "waiting." I'm waiting for things to work out with the State Department; I'm waiting for Prince Charming; I'm waiting tables; I'm waiting for the call that will get me a new job; etc. I've also thought a lot about NOT waiting anymore. I think my greatest fear is not taking advantage of every opportunity. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to waste my time. The struggle in this is determining how to find those opportunities; I know they don't just present themselves. I also know that fully taking advantage of opportunities is often about timing. Most things worth waiting for you actually have to wait for. So what's the balance? How do I know what I actually have to wait for and what I have to go out and take?

Frustration

I am trained for nothing.

You would think that after four years of college and two years of graduate school I would be perceived as being capable of doing something. Surprise! My education means nothing without 2-5 years of experience in something. It's impossible for someone who spent the last 6 years of their life in school to have experience in anything since they WERE IN SCHOOL. Amazing.

I wish someone had told me that education isn't really worth anything before I wasted all that time and money.

I know I can do just about any job someone puts in front of me. However I don't have any relevant work experience to demonstrate that to potential employers.

I can't even get a non-profit job. Nobody wants non-profit jobs, but still, I can't get one.

I'm reaching the end of my rope with this job-hunting garbage. I guess it means I'll have to do the only I am really trained for: take an active duty position in the Army. That won't be so bad. I mean, at least I know they won't turn me down.