Diversions

So just when I needed something to distract me from my recent frustrations one of my friends called me with an extra ticket to the Maroon 5 concert. Most people don't know this about me, but I have a huge crush on Adam Levine. I know I should be past that middle-school phase of swooning over celebrities, but I just can't help it. So, of course I leapt at the opportunity to see him live. I was not disappointed - well I was disappointed in the fact that he didn't pull me up on stage, fall instantly in love with me and ask me to travel with him on tour because he can't be without me. But, wow. It was a great show. It really took my mind off the things that have been bothering me lately. It just goes to show that when I really need it most, something good happens.

Disappointment

“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.”

Eliza Tabor

Sleep to Dream

Anger is an all-consuming emotion. I used to feel that being angry was a bad thing. It's only been in the last couple years I've learned to accept anger as a legitimate, acceptable, natural human emotion. Sometimes I do and say things out of anger that are destructive, but I am usually very quick to recognize my fault and apologize. Lately though I've been a lot more angry. Everyone has bad days, I have bad months. I don't think I've not been angry since June. Not to say that I was never angry before that, but I don't think a day has passed in the last four months where I have not been mad about something or someone. I've never been an angry person. I've typically been good natured, easy-going, and kind. I don't know to what I should attribute this drastic change in attitude, but I think it's getting worse. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep because I have dreams where I'm angry. I thought maybe it was just stress. But the situations in my dreams are not just stressful, they are enraging.

At this point I should probably explain that I am sort of a mystic about dreams. I think they reveal a lot about what's going on emotionally and spiritually. I don't like to admit when I'm upset or acknowledge when I've been wronged, I just let things slide. So when I start having repetitive dreams that mirror frustrating emotional situations I have to pay attention. Last night I had a dream that I kept falling back in to. I was in a prison where I was accused of a crime I never committed. I was in a cell with two friends and they were plotting an escape but they refused to discuss it with me. When the guard came in to question me, my friends stood by with their hands behind their backs as the guard repeatedly tazed me. I couldn't speak because he was tazing my neck and my entire body was limp from the electric current. What kept waking me up in a cold sweat was not the pain from the tazing it was the anger I felt toward my friends who continued to allow this to happen to me even though they knew I was innocent.
Here's what I think it means:

I'm angry and God and people because I have been very disappointed

I'm disappointed because I don't believe God has provided for me very well, and I'm disappointed in my friends because I feel they have abandoned me - both parties have failed to uphold what I believe to be their primary purpose in the relationship.

I feel hopeless at times about my future and trapped by my current circumstances.


Now I concede that I may have had unreasonable expectations for God and friends, but I don't think my expectations were completely unfounded. So this is confusing, disappointing, and enraging. My natural reaction to such disappointments is to push them away and insist that I don't need them anyway. I feel like God has led me in to the desert to wander for forty years and all my friends have found their way out and left me behind. I thought we were supposed to be on this journey together. What happened? I want to believe that God is good and that he loves me. I want to believe that I have people who care about me. But lately there isn't any evidence of this. I refuse to be powerless as a result of this abandonment. So I choose anger. I don't like it. I would much rather be hopeful and optimistic. I've always pitied bitter people because I recognized the disappointment they must have experienced to make them so hateful. I believe I have a good heart. I want to love freely and deeply. I hope I'm still capable when I finally make it to Canaan.

Too Much Time, Too Little to Do

I don't think I've ever had the problem of having too few things to fill my time. I've had to begin creating projects for myself just so I don't waste my days watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model on MTV. It's my shameful indulgence. Some people watch porn, I watch model wannabes perform a variety of stupid human tricks to try and get on a magazine cover - what's not to love? Okay, anyway. So I have decided to take the LSAT in December. Preparing for this should reasonably consume about two hours a day. I have also enthusiastically agreed to write an article for my dad about building the Panama Canal as a metaphor for understanding cultural context. This could also reasonably consume two hours a day. I'm helping my mom do some research on bilingual education policy for one of her classes - again I could easily spend several hours a day on this. Suddenly my problem is not lack of activity, but disciplining myself again to be productive. I've become so lazy. I need to get back on track, get back in to my exercise routine, get back in to reading and writing on a daily basis, and just make better use of my time in general. I've always been more efficient when I have too much to do. Now, I feel that time is infinite and I can't accomplish anything. For example, today, I got up, ate breakfast and promptly tuned in to, no, not ANTM, but HBO on-demand for a little Sex and the City (my newest shameful indulgence). Hey at least it's something different. And in some books it might even be considered educational. Ugh, why am I letting myself just waste away? I need a wake-up call.

Prepare for the Worst, Plan on Catastrophe?

I'm not sure who decided that it was a good idea for people the live as if the worst possible outcome is the most likely. When it comes to planning for the future, or even living in the present, I prefer to believe that things work out for the best. Especially when it comes to other people and my relationships. I tend to see the best in people, or at least I try (my current occupation is hardening me to this, but that is another issue all together). Perhaps its naive, but I never assume that relationships are naturally headed for disappointment. Isn't part of the enjoyment of life and love the hope for happily-ever-after? Now I understand the rationale that I need to protect myself and be careful about getting wrapped up in my emotions, but I never want to be so guarded that I fail to love simply because I'm scared that it might end in heartache. I like taking chances, being spontaneous. In relationships I need someone who will take risks with me. "Why not go out on a limb, that's where all the fruit is," according to Mark Twain. The limb may or may not break, but how will I know if I never try? If it holds, maybe I'll get my hands on the sweetest fruit.

Compass Points

"Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction."
- Lewis Carrol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

Sometimes life takes you in an unexpected direction. For the last year or so I've worked and waited aimlessly for what I hoped would be my dream job, my big break, my easy street. So far, no progress. I was facing one direction, keeping on the blinders. Maybe it could be considered focus, but I really wasn't accomplishing anything. So, I decided to pick a new direction. Not completely new. I'm revisiting an old path: Law School. I toyed with the idea throughout college and put it aside because I didn't want to be an attorney. I decided to go to grad school instead. I kind of think the compass was pointing toward law school the whole time. In my first semester at KU I attended a lecture given by Gary Hagen, the president of International Justice Mission. I was inspired by the stories of lives transformed by the organization. I've been a supporter ever since. But I really want to do more.

My Dad is my sounding board for pretty much anything on my mind. He has great insights into my personality and decision-making processes and his words about my future ring clear in my mind as I think through my next step. He often reminds me that I am destined for great things. He reaffirms my own beliefs that God has designed and called me to accomplish deeds that will have eternal effects. He also reminds me that just because I see a need I do not need to fulfill it. I am a habitual over-achiever. I want to be everything to everyone. I sincerely enjoy giving of myself to others and I get the greatest satisfaction when I am a catalyst of others' success. Perhaps some people call this co-dependence or people-pleasing behavior. I admit I can fall victim to those unhealthy tendencies. For the most part though, I draw my boundaries and I know my limitations. I have learned that overextending myself only leads to destructive feelings of resentment and self-righteous martyrdom. When it comes to career decisions I must be aware of the fact that my decisions may be affected by these desires to meet some extroverted need.

What confuses me about my current circumstances is that joining the Foreign Service never appealed to my sense of obligation to the greater good. It was something I wanted for me, for the advancement of my career, and still fulfilled my desire to perform a public service. It seemed wholly selfish and not self-centered. It appeared to be a perfect opportunity for me to use my natural abilities while advancing my career. Now, over a year later, I am still waiting for someone to make a decision, somewhere that could affect my entire occupational future. It's like standing in a clearing waiting for someone to install a sign post.

With my decision to apply for Law School I am pulling the compass out of my pocket and moving out of the clearing. I have spent my entire life catching the opportunities thrown at me. I am a spiritual mystic, believing that God uses my surrounding universe to communicate his will in many ways. Honestly, I haven't had to work very hard to get where I am. Things have always come easily to me, and I have taken them as signs to take certain actions. Thus I've never had to practice perseverance. Perhaps now is my time to take the hard road, hack through some underbrush, and move toward my ultimate goal rather than just allow the path to open up before me.