Medical Clearance

I finally, finally, finally, got my medical clearance for the US State Department! After a year of doctors, tests, needles, ridiculous diagnoses, and utter frustration, I have an unlimited medical clearance.

Pretty funny how the background check/security clearance took no more than 6 weeks after all my traveling and moving but the medical clearance took nearly a year when I've never been sick. The whole process really tested my limits, not to mention my faith. Now that I'm an eligible candidate and moving forward to start my dream job it's easy to believe that God had some purpose in making me wait. Looking back over the last few months I have totally given up in so many ways. I doubted God's sovereignty and love. I let the disappointment and frustration get the best of me.

At the same time though I had just reached a point where I was okay with doing something else. I signed a lease, took a teaching job for the 2007/2008 academic year and decided to get out of the holding pattern. I determined to take advantage of my current circumstances and enjoy the time and relationships I have now rather than focusing only on the next step. I've always been so goal oriented and visionary that I have often neglected the present. I wait for the next big event to occur before I can really start living. I focus on how much better my life will be once I have ____. For the last two years all I have been able to think about is how fabulous my life will be once I am in the Foreign Service, living overseas, doing a job I love, serving my country, making a good salary, traveling, etc. So for me to take a step to make the most of "now" is significant. Now everything is up in the air again. I could get an assignment anytime in the next 18 months. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally excited. It's just funny how things work.

In the Mirror

This weekend I got a reminder of where I've been. My best friend from high school got married in Orlando. I haven't been back in at least 5 or 6 years. In the weeks leading up to the wedding I was dreading going back. I was attacked by fear and anxiety of seeing people and places that I did not want to see. Much of it was a fear of having an emotional reaction that I didn't want to have. I hated the fact that after so many years I could still be hurting. I thought I had gotten over it, I had forgiven and healed and I haven't been affected in years. The prospect of running into people who had hurt me so deeply was enough to reduce me to emotional wreckage. How would I feel when I saw them? What would I say? What would they say? Would they still stand in judgment of me through tight smiles? I began to panic.

Ever since the Spring of my senior year of high school I have been determined to become someone significant. At first it was an "I'll show them" attitude. I quickly realized that I am someone significant and that I deserve respect. I have always been hard working, smart, charming, bright and kind. Making mistakes doesn't eliminate all those aspects of my character. We all make mistakes and the measure of a woman is demonstrated by her ability to recover from those mistakes and use her circumstances to her advantage. I am a woman of courage and integrity and I should not let anyone make me feel otherwise. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them." I took that on as my motto this weekend and determined to celebrate my friend's wedding regardless of the condescending stares.

Overall I think that this weekend destroyed some spiritual strongholds in my life. I think Satan was using lies and fear to keep me trapped. Once I arrived in Orlando and began interacting with past acquaintances again I realized that I had no reason to be afraid. Most people were happy to see me and impressed with all I have accomplished. It ended up being a very encouraging weekend after all. Not that I plan on taking regular vacations to Orlando, but I feel like I conquered something and that a little light penetrated the darkness. I needed to look in the rear view mirror to remind me of where I've been, where I'm going, and who I am. With that glance Orlando doesn't hold as much of the oppressive spirit that it did a week ago. I'm thankful. Thankful that I had the strength to go, face my fear and come out encouraged. Perhaps I never had anything to fear, but as the other Roosevelt said, "we have nothing to fear but fear itself."