Playing the Field Redux

I came across an old post that I never published. After reading it again I had to post it because I find myself in the same position yet again. It just goes to show that all that time I thought I was learning and growing I was really running in circles. It's a little frustrating. Same story new characters. The situtation has intesified over the last couple months though and I'm just more confused than ever.

I hate being in the position of wanting to be with someone I can't be with or wanting to be with someone who doesn't share that desire. I'm frustrated with distance and I'm frustrated by proximity. The person I would like to spend more time with lives a thousand miles away and the person I would like to get the farthest away from works next door.

Speaking of distance. . . I'm attending a wedding next weekend. An old friend from high school is getting married in Orlando. Usually I would be really excited about a wedding and seeing old friends, etc. This time I'm just nervous and kind of dreading it. Not that I'm not exctited for my friend, I'm thrilled for her and really proud, in a strange way. I've known her for so long and to see her all grown up and getting married, anyway. So I haven't been back to Orlando in years. And any time I spent there while I was in college was brief and uncomfortable. News of an old boyfriend who has moved back to Orlando added to my anxiety about the wedding. After high school any time I went to Orlando I lived in fear of running into him somewhere or seeing a friend of his or even hearing his name mentioned. It feels petty and young but all these fears have bombarded me again. I'm just not in a position right now to deal with that. My arsenal is empty and I'm heading into a battle zone with only my wits.

Random Questions

At least twice in the last few weeks I've been accused of "choosing my words very carefully." I've never considered myself a very guarded person, but I guess I am careful about what I let people know about me. It's self preservation. Is this a sign that I don't trust people? I am not of the mindset that everyone is "out to get me." But I am selective about with who I want to be emotionally vulnerable. Funny thing is I haven't been very choosy about with who I am physically vulnerable. Why does a physical bond with someone seem much safer than an emotional bond? In reality physical intimacy is much more dangerous. I don't want to open myself up to a lot of pain and hassle, but I still want to be close to people. This is the reason I love answering/asking random questions. It feels like a casual way for people to get to know me. Perhaps that's why we all enjoy those online quizzes that we post on our myspace/facebook profiles.