Out of the Shadows

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. I'm overwhelmed and generally frustrated with my current circumstances. This is not a new struggle for me. I go through these spells of feeling hopeless about my future.I begin to believe that I should just resign myself to not even trying to accomplish anything. In the past, my strategy for getting myself out of these slumps has been to find an activity or goal I'm excited to do, then start taking steps to accomplish it. This Spring I committed myself to running four exciting races. My training has all but fallen apart, and I can't muster the energy to even care. Perhaps I over-committed and now I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I've recently begun to experience this new affront to my character at work and in my personal activities that has been discouraging as well. My immediate reaction is to get out, get away from these messages that inflict self-doubt. I know I'm a hard worker. I know I have integrity. I know I'm honest and that I genuinely care for people. So how am I being confused as someone who lacks all of these qualities? In the past two months I've been accused of dishonesty, gossip, slander, laziness, irresponsibility, disrespect, and hypocrisy. It's baffling to me, and incredibly frustrating. There are a few steady voices in my life, for whom I am thankful, but when the majority seems to perceive me in such a negative light, it's hard to continue ignoring them. By backing out or stepping away, and I being a coward and failing to defend my character? Is it even worth the energy to try and change their perception of me? My self-confidence is waning.

The biggest disappointment this week has been that Jim and I are postponing our plans to move overseas. He needs to stay where he is for a while longer to complete the school accreditation process. Which means I either 1) begin searching for a new job, or 2) suck it up and stick it out until he's ready to move. Right now the prospect continuing to do what I'm doing now indefinitely is depressing. The idea of beginning a job search in the current economy is also depressing, especially since I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't want to keep working as a paralegal (being an office peon is not my idea of a good career), and I'm not trained to do much else. I'm a trained thinker; and that doesn't bring in much of a salary without further education.

I always come back to academia. Perhaps it's something I need to actually pursue instead of just mulling it over. After the wedding my living expenses may decrease enough to only work part time. That would open up my schedule for classes. This might be the ray of light I've been needing to get out of this shadow of self-doubt.