How it Ends

Two NYEs ago my brother Philip and I celebrated together with Devotchka at Mercury Cafe. Both of us were relatively new arrivals in Denver and while we had spent holidays in Colorado, we were still feeling out of the social scene. I'm happy to say that this year, Philip and I can still rely on each other to enjoy a great show.

I bought tickets to see Devotchka this year, not on a whim, but with a sense nostalgia. Kind of a way to look back over the last two years and realize how much has changed, and how much has stabilized in my life.

The most obvious change is that both of us were accompanied by a significant other this year. I think the reason we didn't attend this concert last year is because we were both hoping to spend it with the people pictured. I think we can say it was a successful pursuit.

The other difference that struck me at the concert is how much Denver/Colorado has become home to both of us since NYE 2007. To think back even one more year, Philip and I spend NYE 2006 together at El Chapultepec for a night of great live jazz. We were such strangers to this place. Now I think we're rooted here more than any other place from our mobile upbringing.

As we turn the page to a new year, a new decade even, I think it's important to note how good life is, changes and all.

I went for a final run of 2009 with the guys from the AIR Foundation last night before the concert. Over the last week on our runs, I've heard over and over about their drive to stay on their path of sobriety, to keep running the good race, to stay on pace, to stay focused, etc. Last night was no different as each of them look forward to a new year and a new life in 2010. I am honored and thrilled to be part of their lives and to see them decide every day to become more like the person they were created and purposed to be. Needless to say I've developed important relationships with some of these guys. They thank me often for supporting them. I can't thank them enough for allowing me to be apart of their victory. 2009 was a good year; 2010 promises greatness.

Of course I have to begin considering what I want to accomplish in the new year, aside from all my personal adventure goals. As with every year, I want to strive to become more like the person I was created and purposed to be. I may not know exactly what that looks like anymore, but I know the foundation is character. It doesn't matter where I end up in my career. I don't care what possessions I accumulate along the way. What I really want is to be the person God created me to be; to be a woman of character, someone with a kind and generous heart. What I really want to develop in the new year is an internal drive to utilize my abilities to accomplish something meaningful. I've realized over the last few weeks that I am primarily driven by external stimuli. I don't want to rely on that to motivate me to action. I want to be someone who pursues my goals ambitiously because I want to, not because I think someone else wants something for/from me.

I am really excited about 2010. It will be a year of hard challenges and tough decisions that produce great character and great joy. Are you up for it? I'm all in.

Butterfly Effect

I've struggled the last few days to readjust and deal with the inevitable post-training let-down. Just like every time before, when I feel myself sinking into depression, I have to start making goals for myself and start working toward accomplishing them. I have to focus on the small steps, celebrate the small victories, and make small decisions everyday to become the person I want to be.

Just like running, life is cumulative. If I want to be a runner, I have to get up every day, tie on my shoes, and run. Every mile I run counts toward becoming a better, stronger runner. Every race I run is a learning experience for the next one. Every run is a testament to my character as a runner. With life, every day lived well counts toward becoming more like the person I want to be. Every day is a learning experience for tomorrow. Every day is a testament to my character.

While it might seem overwhelming to pin so much on each day, really by focusing on a single day, I alleviate a lot of the pressure on my future. I can't change the way I behaved yesterday, but I can learn from it. I can't predict what will happen tomorrow, but I can prepare for it with the lessons from yesterday. Today I can only do the best with what I have and trust that down the line it will have meteorological effects.

So today, I'm choosing to work hard in spite of the fact that I believe my current position is meaningless. I'm choosing to meet my trainees for a run, even though it's snowing. I'm making small decisions (not eating a third chocolate chip cookie), celebrating small victories (having saved enough money to cover one month's rent in my emergency fund), and taking small steps to accomplish a new goal (finding contact information for a potential new sponsor for the AIR Foundation). Maybe tomorrow I'll be motivated to take bigger steps; today this is the best I can do.

Back to Life

After two weeks in the US Army parallel training universe, it's a shock to be back at work and back to normal, daily life. It almost makes it seem unreal; as if the whole ordeal was just a long dream. Some may say nightmare, but I actually had a really good time. I think that makes it even harder to cope with the daily grind. Anytime I come out of a training cycle with the Army, it takes me a few days to process, decompress, and readjust. I'm such an extrovert, a people-person, that spending a night in my apartment alone, with just my kitty cat, feels lonely, quiet, uncomfortable. I never have a hard time sleeping, but when I woke up at quarter to 5 this morning (an hour and a half before my alarm clock is set), and I wasn't in my barracks room with two roommates, or in a Korean-Army style tent with 17 other women, I struggled to remember where I was.

Walking into work this morning was no less of a shock. The instant I open those heavy wooden doors, the can already feel the tension headache coming on. I immediately regain my defensive posture, and head silently to my desk, sure not to make eye contact with anyone, ignoring all "welcome back" greetings along the way.

The last two days of training, I couldn't wait to get home. Now that I'm home, I'm already thinking about the next time I can be back in training, back in full-time Army mode.

Maybe it's not simply a case of Grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side-itis. Maybe I really thrive in a military environment, and a training environment in particular. I love the constant stimulation, the rush of multiple tasks to be accomplished in a short amount of time, the sense of being part of something more important than myself alone, the feeling that I am really good at being in the Army. It seems to suit me. I find it exciting. It's exhausting, yes, but I've never been one to shy away from being busy. One of my fellow students during the course commented that I seem like the type of person who embraces a challenge - I like being that type of person. I strive to incorporate that into my personal life, in the Army there are more challenges to embrace.

On the last day of training, the instructors recommended me for an instructor position at the academy. All I need to do is complete the paperwork for the transfer from my unit and I'm in.

There are a lot of important relationships in Denver that would be distupted if I take a full-time Army instructor job. Mostly I'm concerned about my work with the AIR Foundation. I can't very well continue to develop their program in Denver from Seattle. Nor would I have any time to work on expanding the program to Washington. I've made a commitment to AIR through October, and if it doesn't pan out into a full-time paid position by then, I'll have to seriously consider this other option.

Jim's perfectly willing to move; he can find work anywhere. I'm blessed to be with someone who is committed to supporting me in pursuing my own career at this point.

There's a lot to consider. I'm really proud of myself for what I accomplished in the last two weeks. I may not have walked away with a chest full of medals, but I worked hard and learned a lot. I have big plans for my unit here in Denver. I'm determined that no soldier from my unit will go to WLC unprepared. That at least will be good practice in case I do end up at the academy next fall.

I'm getting the feeling that 2010 is going to kick off the next decade in a big way for me.