Motivation

I've realized lately that I need to build more adventures into my life. As a perpetual non-planner this is much harder than it sounds. I have always been of the persuasion that the best adventures are spontaneous. Now that I don't have a car and I don't have partners in crime that can pick up and go at the drop of a hat, I have to actually PLAN (a four letter word). I want to do so many things this summer and if I just continue on my daily grind it will just fly by. Originally I wanted to summit 7 14'ers this summer. That was before I lost my mode of transportation and climbing partner. If I get two under my belt I'll be happy.

It's not just this summer though. There are so many things I want to do in general and I don't want time to just pass me by the way it has the last 8 months.

In order to better preserve my youth, health, and happiness I have decided that when my lease runs out in March I am going to pack up and hike the AT. It's something I've wanted to do for years and I can't think of a better time or opportunity than next spring. The timing is perfect. I want to go back to school next fall and if I start hiking at the beginning of April I'll be finished by the end of July/beginning of August. I'm really looking forward to leaving everything behind and living only on what I can carry in my own pack. I hate feeling weighed down. Lately I've just felt stuck. I have too many responsibilities and too little freedom. Maybe I should interpret that statement: I have too many bills and too little money. For some reason that translates into having too many obligations to frivolous things. I just want to leave it all behind. So hiking the AT is my solution.

For the first time in months I feel like I have something to look forward to. I have a finish line, a point in time when things will change. Deadlines are motivating to me. Some people don't work well under pressure; I only work well under pressure. I need that deadline or else possibilities are endless and I can behave as though I have all of eternity to accomplish anything.

The Dumbing Down of Love

Sometimes love underwhelms me; more often than it overwhelms me. I would really like to be pleasantly surprised by love and the people who love me. It doesn't happen nearly often enough. Underwhelm is an understatement. Disappoint is more appropriate. I give and I give and I work so hard and invest so much into people and time after time I am let down. Perhaps I am just a romantic about my relationships. I expect and hope that they will last forever. Then I feel foolish just a few months later for putting so much effort into it. It makes me not want to even be involved with people anymore. It's not a very profitable investment. Not that every relationship I develop is for the purpose of gaining something. But really, isn't that what the point of relationships are in the first place; some mutual benefit? I try to pour into people and I feel like I give so much and all I feel like nobody even recognizes that I care about them. I have a friend that I have maintained a relationship with for over 8 years. Just a few weeks ago he made the comment that he had no idea that I cared about him until a couple months ago. What's wrong with this? Is it my inability to communicate that I love someone? Probably. I'm not shy, but I am modest about my emotions. I don't like being exposed. I have to be very comfortable with someone and build a long history of trust before I can directly tell them that I love them.

That I Would Be Good

I think every woman wants to be wanted even at her worst. To be known and loved, not just loved but adored, when she is all those things she's told she's not supposed to be. It's interesting to me what society tells us we're supposed to be and what is acceptable behavior. Women are supposed to be so many different things: young, thin, smart (but not too smart), funny, successful (but not more than "him), independent (but not closed off), confident and self-assured (but never cocky), in control (but never controlling), kind, compassionate, courageous (but still in need of rescue), sexy (but not sexual), passionate (but not demanding). . . the list goes on. Why can't I be who I am and still be loved, even when I am who I'm not supposed to be?

I so often hear my girl friends talk about their fears in relating to men. Most commonly they express fear in being "too clingy" or scaring him away by becoming emotionally attached too quickly. I believe that you really have to be wise in protecting your heart and that there is infinite value in not giving too much away too quickly - physically and emotionally. Here's the problem to me: How can anyone expect to be physically involved with someone and not emotionally? Not only do I think it's impossible, but it's unhealthy. It's sick to be so disconnected from yourself that you can be with someone, even if it's under the pretenses of a casual encounter, that you either ignore, deny or rationalize away your emotional involvement. It's preposterous to expect a person to be able to compartmentalize their emotions from their physical being in such a way. So if a girl is afraid of being "too clingy" it sounds ridiculous to me. Why is it unacceptable for a girl to desire or even demand attention from a guy that she has been physically involved with? I have a hard time believing that any self-respecting woman could be with a guy and never expect anything from him. The entire culture of dating and female-male relationships is so unbalanced and unhealthy. I know beautiful, smart, successful women who are reduced to whiney, nervous, insecure girls because "he never called," and the guy brags about it to his friends and walks away feeling like a champ, zero responsibility. Maybe men don't respect women because women don't often demand respect. For some reason feeling loved is more important than being respected. So women bend over backwards, disrupt their lives and put everything else on hold to feel loved and men are not required to be a pursuer or even an equal participant. How do we correct this problem though? I'm starting by doing away with the notion that a girl can be "too clingy" after being involved with a guy. I'm demanding the attention and respect that I deserve before giving a part of myself to someone. I'm worth that and I'm waiting for a man who recognizes that and adores me even when I'm at my "worst."