I need a Kit-Kat

Remember the old commercial; it came on during the Cosby show. It had a catchy little tune: "Give me a break, give me a break, break me off a piece of the Kit-Kat Bar." Right now, no candy bar could give me the break I need.

Have you ever felt like you're living a nightmare? Maybe you've had one of those dreams, early in the morning, between waking and sleeping, where the people, situations, conversations and locations seem so real, but at the same time, not right. This is my existence right now. I have perfectly normal interactions with people, I even have fun. The day to day of life is pretty great. But there's this overarching "wrongness." I can't pinpoint it, or even describe it well.

Lately, everything has gone wrong. Not in the I-spilled-my-coffee, wrecked my car, or my boyfriend dumped me kind of way. I mean in the, I've lost everything that's important to me kind of way. Granted, the people I care about are still around, but everything I've worked for has slowly slipped away over the last few months. It's like trying to hold water in a sieve.

I have always put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful. It has always worked. I work hard, I get what I want. I set out to meet a goal, I take the necessary steps to achieve it. Success has come fairly easily to me. Lately though, the only thing preventing me from getting what I want is completely out of my control.

It really makes me angry at first. Really angry. Angry at God mostly. Why has my life been so hard? Why, if he is sovereign, do these horrible things keep happening to me? Why, if he loves me, does he let such painful things prevent me from living the abundant life I thought he had planned for me? My first conclusion is that he really doesn't love me at all. But I know right away that's a lie. My experience has always been that God does love me. All good things in my life have been a direct blessing from Him. My second conclusion then, is that God has misled or deceived me. Why did he lead me to believe that he had specific things he wanted me to accomplish and a certain path he wanted me to take. All the roadsigns where there, the path was lit, the way was clear. Now that path has put me at a dead end, the forest is closing in around me and all the trees look the same. This can't be right either. The God I know is Truth. He is incapable of deception. My third conclusion then, is that God really isn't sovereign. He's not in control of my circumstances and even if he did love me and did have certain plans for me, he is incapable of orchestrating my circumstances to make things work. So where does this leave me? I can't believe that God a) doesn't love me, b) is deceitful, or c) is powerless. It must not be a problem with God then. It must be a problem in how I view God. I have to go on what I know to be true about the character of God and trust that he does love me and he does have good things for me. Maybe things aren't going the way I want or expected them too. There has to be an alternative plan that I can't see right now.

It's easy to trust God when life is easy. It's much harder when nothing makes sense and everything is falling apart at the seams. I'm just not sure how many more disappointments I can handle at this point. Give me a break. . .