Settling In

After three months at home, I've realized that this is going to be more long-term than I orginally expected. I've run into more complications with my Medical Clearance for the State Department. Which, to anyone who knows me is completely ridiculous. I've never been sick a day in my life. I've caught a flu or a cold, but nothing that I ever had to miss a day of school or work over. But apparently, I have TB. This is nothing new. I've had at least three positive TB skin tests over the years, but always a negative chest x-ray and never a sign of active TB. I was probably exposed to it when I was younger and it never leaves your system. So now, I'm probably going to have to complete 6-9 months of inconvenient treatment before I'm cleared for overseas employment. That's not even the worst of it though. This spring, after multiple blood tests, it turns out that I'm not producing enough neutrophils (bacteria-fighting white blood cells). Neutropenia is usually a symptom of lymphoma or leukemia; of which, I have neither. What really gets me is that in all my traveling I have always been the one who stayed healthy. I have never gotten any kind of bacterial infection, ameoba, parasite, nothing. It's just so frustrating that they received these test results nearly 8 months ago and are just now taking notice. I've been in pre-employment screening for almost a year now. Actually almost two years ago to the day, I decided that I wanted a career in the Foreign Service. I never thought I would still be waiting. Even two months ago, I thought for sure I would be packing my bags by January. I refused to settle in here and accept that I might be living at home for more than a few months. Now I guess I have to face the truth. So what do I want to accomplish here? How am I going to best use my time in Colorado? What's my next move in terms of advancing my career while I wait for my job to come through? I'm sure working at P.F. Chang's isn't going to get me very far.

Playing the Field

Let me preface this by saying that as a Christian I am truly interested in treating all men with respect, kindness, and in a way that acknowledges the fact that they are created in the image of God and have an eternal soul and a vulnerable heart. Now, I'm going to reveal the selfishness of my natural state that usually takes over when I deal with men.

I need an offensive coordinator for my love-life. Someone to needs teach me to read the defense and know when to use a screen pass to gain a few yards or throw a hail mary for the end-zone.

My entire adolescent and adult love life has consisted of two different situations: 1)trying to figure out how to make a specific guy like me, and getting/keeping his attention without making him think I'm going to sleep with him; and 2)trying to make a specific guy that I'm not interested in know that I'm not interested without being hurtful or unkind. Right now I'm experiencing both situations, but the first one to a greater degree than the second. First, the guy I really like isn't interested in me beyond the fact that I'm a girl and he just really likes girls in general. Why can't I just forget about this guy and find someone who does appreciate me? I'm trying. So, that leads into situation two. There are about three other guys who have expressed interest in me. Do I continue to indicate interest in the guy I really like knowing that it probably won't go anywhere? Or do I casually flirt with the others, knowing that they will "take the bait"? Maybe a simpler way to phrase the question is, do I go after what I really want, or do I settle for the obtainable? Easy answer, right? Go for what you really want. Now the tricky part for me is that with guys, I don't want to be the one "going after" someone. They should be the ones in pursuit. So what's the key? How do I get a particular guy to pursue me? How do I modestly suggest that I would be open to the chase? Is it even worth my time and energy? At this point in my life, probably not. I'm not looking to get married or even get into a serious relationship right now. I wouldn't even know what to do with this guy once I caught him anyway. I think I just want to be wanted. If that's the case, any one of the interested fellows could satisfy that desire. But that's not fair to them. This puts me back into my pattern of self-imposed singledom seasoned with casual flirting and the intrigue of "what-if" with any attractive male friend.