Internal Drive

As I mentioned in my 2009 wrap-up post, one aspect of my character that I really want to develop this year is an internal drive to succeed at all costs. What I mean by that is I want to overcome obstacles and challenges to accomplish my goals regardless of how I "feel" about the situation. Today is a perfect example of how not to do this.

I have known ever since college that my typical stress reaction is to ignore the problem until the very last possible second and then rush around to try salvage whatever I can to present something passable. I've always been really good at "winging it" and I don't know if that's an outcome of my coping strategy or an excuse for continuing this behavior. At work I have a project that's been sitting on my desk since September. The deadline is Friday. Well really, the deadline was December 21, but I kept convincing myself that I could make it work with a little less time. Now, here I am hopelessly behind schedule, and I am absolutely paralyzed when it comes to this project. It's become this huge mental block. Ideally I would stop looking at Facebook, replying to e-mails, chit-chatting with co-workers, and doing every other possible thing besides work on this project, and just finish it and get it off my desk. Okay, ideally, I would have finished it two weeks ago and not allowed it to become such a major issue.

The real problem is that this is common practice for me. I used to think that it meant I had a poor work ethic. But when I'm really dedicated to something, I work really hard. I think what I lack here is discipline to complete a job that I don't feel like doing. This gets back to the original point about internal drive. I need someone pushing me along, checking in on me, keeping me accountable. It's a fairly immature way to operate and I won't stay in any job long if I require so much supervision. I've faked it long enough. I don't think I can continue to pretend I'm working when I'm really not. I'll get caught sometime. That's not succeeding at all, let alone at all costs.

So here I am, huge project in front of, testing my new year's resolution already. I always say that I have to make the choice everyday to be more like the person I want to be. This is my choice today. It might be too late already; I have to try to succeed at all costs.

But first I will have lunch . . .