It's only been a week, but I am faring quite well in my 2008 goals. So well that I need to add a few more things to the list.
7. I really want to start writing again. I've often thought that one of my life goals should be to write a book. Writing is a process I enjoy and I think I have good things to say. Also, I blew off poetry long ago for prose because it seemed so adolescent. I think I might try my hand at it again. My sister is a talented writer who really enjoys poetry, I might get her to lead me to some new material.
8. This is one of my more run-of-the-mill resolutions, and I've mentioned it before, I have to stop watching so much TV. It's my default activity. Anytime I'm bored or have spare time, I just flip on the tube and tune out. I have seriously thought about selling the TV in my room. This is the first year I've lived with a TV in my bedroom, and it is not healthy. I used to read before bed, now I watch endless hours of Friends. I'm convinced that all those comments about TV rotting your brain are true. My brother's girlfriend says "TV is for the weak-minded," I'm tending toward agreement.
9. One of the most important lessons I think I can take from 2007 is to be more persistent in pursuing what I want. I need to put that lesson into better practice in 2008. I need to clarify my goals, outline strategies for achieving them, then persistently go to work. I'm determined not to be in the same place this time next year. I really feel like 2007 was a waste in many ways, I spent so much time waiting and so little time living.
10. Finally (for now), I need to invest more time in re-building my relationship with God. After so much disappointment, it's hard for me to trust him anymore. But that's what faith is about, trusting and following God even when things are painful and unclear. I haven't been very faithful this year. While it might take a while and I know I'll waver on this point daily, I need to be more intentional about involving or acknowledging God in my life again.
Look out 2008, I'm doing more than turning over a new leaf, I'm blowing them all over the place.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
Turning Over A New Leaf
A new year always seems such an opportune time to start all over again. Sometimes I wish I could just "shut down" and "reboot." A new year is as close to this as we can get. It's a chance to purge myself of the things that tied me down and kept me from being the person I was created to be.
I was reading a nice little article in the Denver Post featuring several local people who are taking a new lease on life in 2008. They are making far greater commitments than short-lived weight-loss resolutions. One woman is using her new seminary degree to launch a career in counseling, another man is starting dialysis and looking for new kidneys, another has hopes of competing in the Olympic games.
That's the kind of change I want in my life this year. I want to start a new adventure, unpack all the baggage I've been lugging around, and stop waiting for things to happen to me.
While I have some run-of-the-mill resolutions (work out more consistently, eat healthier, be more intentional in maintaining important friendships, etc.), I want a more complete make-over in 2008.
1. I have to begin a career. I have a few things going, but I want to do something significant. My passion is for policy making. I want to work for someone involved in that process. I really think I need to move to DC to do that. So, by the end of 2008 I want to be in a position where I am working directly for someone involved in the political process.
2. I have to reevaluate my relationships. I've given too much power to some people in my life, and not spent enough time with other people. I have some friends with whom I have a mutually encouraging and loving relationship that I do not rely on enough, and there are other people in my life who are a serious emotional drain. I spend so much time wondering what they think of me, and whether I'm doing enough to make them happy and be a good friend, but I would be surprised if they so much as gave a second thought to my happiness. Not that I want to be more selfish in my friendships or completely sever ties with people, but I need to develop better emotional boundaries in my relationships.
3. Similarly, I need to build new relationships. I need to build a network, and not just for the purpose of career building, but in the pursuit of finding like-minded friends. I need to find more people who like politics and want to make a difference in this world. I think the first step in this is going back to church and being intentional about meeting people.
4. In the spirit of releasing myself from excess baggage and becoming more independent. I have decided to backpack part of the Appalachian Trail. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never taken the time to do it. Even if I just spend two weeks on the trail, I think it will be a tremendous experience. I'm planning on hiking this summer, in the Virginia or North Carolina sections.
5. I've also wanted to run a marathon since I was a junior in college. This is the year for that. I'm joining with Team in Training to prepare for a marathon in June. This training will be invaluable in my preparation for the AT.
6. In regards to my military career, the marathon training will also be important for my APFT and ultimately in getting my "O." Ever since I enlisted, I've been asked multiple times why I didn't get my commission. Really I wanted some experience on the enlisted side, but also, I didn't understand the system when I first signed on. So this year, I'm putting in my packet for a direct commission, as soon as I get my E5 promotion.
I hope that 2008 will be my year to take control of my life, surrender it back to God, and move forward into my destiny. I never want to waste my time and energy like I did in 2007. I spent so much time in tears and too little time doing the things I actually wanted to do. This year, I'm drying my eyes, leaving my pain in the past, and being the woman I am.
I was reading a nice little article in the Denver Post featuring several local people who are taking a new lease on life in 2008. They are making far greater commitments than short-lived weight-loss resolutions. One woman is using her new seminary degree to launch a career in counseling, another man is starting dialysis and looking for new kidneys, another has hopes of competing in the Olympic games.
That's the kind of change I want in my life this year. I want to start a new adventure, unpack all the baggage I've been lugging around, and stop waiting for things to happen to me.
While I have some run-of-the-mill resolutions (work out more consistently, eat healthier, be more intentional in maintaining important friendships, etc.), I want a more complete make-over in 2008.
1. I have to begin a career. I have a few things going, but I want to do something significant. My passion is for policy making. I want to work for someone involved in that process. I really think I need to move to DC to do that. So, by the end of 2008 I want to be in a position where I am working directly for someone involved in the political process.
2. I have to reevaluate my relationships. I've given too much power to some people in my life, and not spent enough time with other people. I have some friends with whom I have a mutually encouraging and loving relationship that I do not rely on enough, and there are other people in my life who are a serious emotional drain. I spend so much time wondering what they think of me, and whether I'm doing enough to make them happy and be a good friend, but I would be surprised if they so much as gave a second thought to my happiness. Not that I want to be more selfish in my friendships or completely sever ties with people, but I need to develop better emotional boundaries in my relationships.
3. Similarly, I need to build new relationships. I need to build a network, and not just for the purpose of career building, but in the pursuit of finding like-minded friends. I need to find more people who like politics and want to make a difference in this world. I think the first step in this is going back to church and being intentional about meeting people.
4. In the spirit of releasing myself from excess baggage and becoming more independent. I have decided to backpack part of the Appalachian Trail. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never taken the time to do it. Even if I just spend two weeks on the trail, I think it will be a tremendous experience. I'm planning on hiking this summer, in the Virginia or North Carolina sections.
5. I've also wanted to run a marathon since I was a junior in college. This is the year for that. I'm joining with Team in Training to prepare for a marathon in June. This training will be invaluable in my preparation for the AT.
6. In regards to my military career, the marathon training will also be important for my APFT and ultimately in getting my "O." Ever since I enlisted, I've been asked multiple times why I didn't get my commission. Really I wanted some experience on the enlisted side, but also, I didn't understand the system when I first signed on. So this year, I'm putting in my packet for a direct commission, as soon as I get my E5 promotion.
I hope that 2008 will be my year to take control of my life, surrender it back to God, and move forward into my destiny. I never want to waste my time and energy like I did in 2007. I spent so much time in tears and too little time doing the things I actually wanted to do. This year, I'm drying my eyes, leaving my pain in the past, and being the woman I am.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Year in Review
I have officially dubbed 2007 my year of disappointment. However, in the midst of my frustration and depression, there have been some real highlights.
First of all, it was confirmed, after a series of medical tests, that I do not have any of the following: leukemia, lymphoma, tubercolosis, HIV, lupus or crohn's. I'd say that ruling one of those diseases out makes for a good year. But being sure that I currently do not have any of those is pretty awesome.
Second, I revised and updated my resume several times; adding new experiences, placing greater emphasis on certain accomplishments, and all-in-all trying to make myself more impressive on paper.
Third, I conquered a couple fears. I had to overcome financial obstacles by making phone calls to creditors and enrolling in a debt management program. Usually I shy away from any problems that loosely relate to money, but this year I had to suck it up and be an adult. Look out lending and banking industry, I am no longer intimidated by your incredibly poor customer service, long hold-times, or ridiculous fee schedule. I have learned how to work the system to avoid you cheating me out of my hard earned money. Also, I learned to be more persistent, or more like, I learned something about the importance of being persistent. I've always had this fear of annoying people or being perceived as a pest. But this year I've tried to define the difference between pestering and persisting. Not that I have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there.
Fourth (and this is a real accomplishment), I watched all ten seasons of Friends. I became so engaged in the show that I found phrases from the dialogue creep into my own vernacular. I also learned that I need to watch less TV, and fill my down time more productively. More than anything, the fact that Friends is one of the major highlights of 2007 reminds me that this year was pretty desolate. It provided a nice escape. But this is supposed to be about remembering the positive aspects of 2007.
Fifth, I learned that I need to take vacations. I made only two visits to friends this year. Both I was quite apprehensive about, and both turned out beautifully. I guess that's two things: take more trips, and do things that I'm nervous about doing, because it often turns out much better than expected. In 2008 I am going to take more risks.
Finally, one of the best things about this year is the relationships I built. I have some stellar friends. Also, living so close to my parents provided a great opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them. Even when I hate my job and I can't seem to catch a break, my friends and family are a constant encouragement.
I could recount all my pitfalls and accomplishments of 2007, but I think that covers the big stuff. So, here's to the end of the year of disappointment and to a new year with new adventures, new friends, more time with old friends, finding a great job, persistently and intentionally pursuing my goals, and taking risks. Oh yeah, and less TV.
First of all, it was confirmed, after a series of medical tests, that I do not have any of the following: leukemia, lymphoma, tubercolosis, HIV, lupus or crohn's. I'd say that ruling one of those diseases out makes for a good year. But being sure that I currently do not have any of those is pretty awesome.
Second, I revised and updated my resume several times; adding new experiences, placing greater emphasis on certain accomplishments, and all-in-all trying to make myself more impressive on paper.
Third, I conquered a couple fears. I had to overcome financial obstacles by making phone calls to creditors and enrolling in a debt management program. Usually I shy away from any problems that loosely relate to money, but this year I had to suck it up and be an adult. Look out lending and banking industry, I am no longer intimidated by your incredibly poor customer service, long hold-times, or ridiculous fee schedule. I have learned how to work the system to avoid you cheating me out of my hard earned money. Also, I learned to be more persistent, or more like, I learned something about the importance of being persistent. I've always had this fear of annoying people or being perceived as a pest. But this year I've tried to define the difference between pestering and persisting. Not that I have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there.
Fourth (and this is a real accomplishment), I watched all ten seasons of Friends. I became so engaged in the show that I found phrases from the dialogue creep into my own vernacular. I also learned that I need to watch less TV, and fill my down time more productively. More than anything, the fact that Friends is one of the major highlights of 2007 reminds me that this year was pretty desolate. It provided a nice escape. But this is supposed to be about remembering the positive aspects of 2007.
Fifth, I learned that I need to take vacations. I made only two visits to friends this year. Both I was quite apprehensive about, and both turned out beautifully. I guess that's two things: take more trips, and do things that I'm nervous about doing, because it often turns out much better than expected. In 2008 I am going to take more risks.
Finally, one of the best things about this year is the relationships I built. I have some stellar friends. Also, living so close to my parents provided a great opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them. Even when I hate my job and I can't seem to catch a break, my friends and family are a constant encouragement.
I could recount all my pitfalls and accomplishments of 2007, but I think that covers the big stuff. So, here's to the end of the year of disappointment and to a new year with new adventures, new friends, more time with old friends, finding a great job, persistently and intentionally pursuing my goals, and taking risks. Oh yeah, and less TV.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Reflections on the Christmas Season
This year I am reminded of how blessed I am. It's been a difficult year for me, but I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and every once in a while something comes along to help me remember that the universe is not set against me.
I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.
The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.
Even then, God reigns.
Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.
At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.
It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.
This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.
I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.
The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.
Even then, God reigns.
Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.
At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.
It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.
This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Certain Days
Every year, certain days jump of the calendar page and grab me. They just put me in a sentimental mood. Whether it be proud of all I've accomplished or questioning what would have been had I made different choices along the way. I don't have many regrets. In fact, if given the chance, I don't think I would change much of anything. Perhaps I would take better advantage of some opportunities than I did, but all in all I'm happy with the way things have turned out so far. We all have our scars, some are in more obvious places than others. It's been my experience though, that things really do work out for the greater good.
I'm laughing at myself after that last line just because I'm finally in a place where I can recognize and admit that. There have been times where there was no way I would ever have believed that things work out for the greater good. It's so easy to recognize the beauty in difficult circumstances when the light at the end of the tunnel is just within my grasp.
I've had to make peace with so many things, and once those wounds heal over, it's so much easier to make sense of it all.
So why is it still so hard? Why do these choices still haunt me?
I'm laughing at myself after that last line just because I'm finally in a place where I can recognize and admit that. There have been times where there was no way I would ever have believed that things work out for the greater good. It's so easy to recognize the beauty in difficult circumstances when the light at the end of the tunnel is just within my grasp.
I've had to make peace with so many things, and once those wounds heal over, it's so much easier to make sense of it all.
So why is it still so hard? Why do these choices still haunt me?
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Tingly-ness
It's times like this, when I feel like life is going well that I really want someone to share it all with. It's only natural to want to celebrate with someone who cares and will be just as excited as I am. I think when things are going well I can only help but want more. I'm never content. When I don't have a job, that's all I can focus on getting. When that begins to fall in to place, my focus shifts to other parts of my life I believe to be lacking. I haven't had a real relationship with a guy in like, 8 years. I feel like I can start to shift out of survival mode and begin to develop parts of my life I've had to shut off over the last few years. It's like letting blood back into a contricted limb. It feels foreign. It's good to know at least those parts are still attached.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
A Good Week
When it rains, it pours. Last Friday I related my life to driving through a thick fog with "Road Closed" signs at every exit. I'm not claiming that suddenly the sun is shining and I can see everything clearly and my life has just fallen together all of the sudden. I can say that one little piece seems to be fitting in place.
I worked part time for an attorney this past week to help him prepare for his annual two week vacation in Italy (tough life). My main function was secretarial, so not a real challenge. I really liked the people, the office, and the attorney. On Thursday he asked me to work for him again when he gets back in the States. Since it's only part-time, I had to decline. On Thursday morning, I had an interview for a records clerk position at a law firm in Boulder. While I'm not too keen on organizing, labeling, and maintaining volumes of legal files full time; I really need a job, it's good pay, it's in Boulder, and the hours are favorable. The interview went really well.
You can imagine how good I was feeling as I walked in to another interview on Friday morning. I'm quite confident in my interviewing skills. On paper, I don't really stand out. If my resume can actually land me an interview I might have a good shot at the job.
I really want this job. It's perfect for me. I would be working with the Community Relations Director for a large, national law firm doing a little PR, a little accounting, a little event planning, some admininstrative work, and a lot of charity events. I wanted the job so bad when I left the interview that it made me nervous. I can't want anything too much, because then it won't work out. So I have to tone down my enthusiasm, pretend like I don't care, and prepare myself for disappointment.
I've always thought of myself as someone who gets what they want. I work hard to achieve my goals. But when it comes to the part that's out of my control, that's where I lose it.
Regardless of my fears, I was called back for a second interview.
YAY!
That afternoon, I went in to my temp job and the Office Manager wanted to meet with me. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at lunch. The managing partner of the firm wants to put together a full-time position for me.
Three potential jobs in two days. I'd say that's a good position to be in.
It really was a good week.
I hope things continue like this.
I worked part time for an attorney this past week to help him prepare for his annual two week vacation in Italy (tough life). My main function was secretarial, so not a real challenge. I really liked the people, the office, and the attorney. On Thursday he asked me to work for him again when he gets back in the States. Since it's only part-time, I had to decline. On Thursday morning, I had an interview for a records clerk position at a law firm in Boulder. While I'm not too keen on organizing, labeling, and maintaining volumes of legal files full time; I really need a job, it's good pay, it's in Boulder, and the hours are favorable. The interview went really well.
You can imagine how good I was feeling as I walked in to another interview on Friday morning. I'm quite confident in my interviewing skills. On paper, I don't really stand out. If my resume can actually land me an interview I might have a good shot at the job.
I really want this job. It's perfect for me. I would be working with the Community Relations Director for a large, national law firm doing a little PR, a little accounting, a little event planning, some admininstrative work, and a lot of charity events. I wanted the job so bad when I left the interview that it made me nervous. I can't want anything too much, because then it won't work out. So I have to tone down my enthusiasm, pretend like I don't care, and prepare myself for disappointment.
I've always thought of myself as someone who gets what they want. I work hard to achieve my goals. But when it comes to the part that's out of my control, that's where I lose it.
Regardless of my fears, I was called back for a second interview.
YAY!
That afternoon, I went in to my temp job and the Office Manager wanted to meet with me. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at lunch. The managing partner of the firm wants to put together a full-time position for me.
Three potential jobs in two days. I'd say that's a good position to be in.
It really was a good week.
I hope things continue like this.
Sunday, December 09, 2007
And Yo Again
One day I have a free lift ticket, fresh powder, friends to enjoy it with, and a broken credit card machine that results in free lunch - just about perfect; everything in my favor. The next day my flight is cancelled because of snow, I get stuck in traffic for three hours, and I have to battle with airline customer service associates to recoup my lost ticket. How does life go from being so great to so disappointing so quickly. Maybe my lesson in this is not to let things affect me so much. But honestly I don't think I let things bother me more than they should. It's reasonable to be disappointed about not getting to take a much anticipated and much needed vacation. It's also reasonable to feel good about the system working in my favor to get me a free day of skiing on fresh powder. What I can't allow myself to do anymore is extrapolate those reasonable emotions into irrational conclusions about my life and the universe in general. I've often resorted to placing all my frustrations and disappointments into a general "the entire universe is set against me" category. It's strange. Sometimes I am unbelievably lucky and other times I am incredibly unfortunate. Some days I feel like every force is set against me, and some days it seems like the cosmos are set in my favor. At one point I would have described it as spiritual warfare. I still believe this on some level. I've reached a point in my spiritual journey where I can't quite trust that there is anything working in my favor. Maybe that's where I've been wrong the whole time. Perhaps my idea of God has been so ego-centric that I really believed He was working for my benefit. In reality though, even though God loves me and wants me to succeed, He is working for his own glory, and His idea of my success is probably very different from my own goals. I want to believe God has a plan for my life and that it is ultimately better than any plan I could have for myself. It's hard to keep believing that when nothing makes sense.
I was driving back from Colorado Springs on Friday after my flight had been cancelled and I was so upset. I had really been looking forward to seeing one of my closest friends, meeting her boyfriend, and just enjoying her company for the weekend in a really fun location. When the weather interrupted my plans I sunk into what has become an all-too-common mindset of "why doesn't anything work out for me?" I was driving through a dense fog about 25 mph behind miles of traffic. The fog was so thick and the daylight was starting to fade, limiting visibility to the tail lights immediately in front of me. I pulled of at an exit to get some coffee and as soon as I pulled onto the side road I was confronted by a "Road Closed" sign. This is my life lately. I have nice diversions and good things happen to remind me that I'm not alone after all. But it seems that at every turn I'm met with a "Road Closed" sign. The fog is so thick that I can't see where I am and the darkness is rolling in all around. I'm looking for an exit but all I can see are the tail lights in front of me, keeping me on the road. I hope that when I get to my exit I can still see well enough not to miss it.
I was driving back from Colorado Springs on Friday after my flight had been cancelled and I was so upset. I had really been looking forward to seeing one of my closest friends, meeting her boyfriend, and just enjoying her company for the weekend in a really fun location. When the weather interrupted my plans I sunk into what has become an all-too-common mindset of "why doesn't anything work out for me?" I was driving through a dense fog about 25 mph behind miles of traffic. The fog was so thick and the daylight was starting to fade, limiting visibility to the tail lights immediately in front of me. I pulled of at an exit to get some coffee and as soon as I pulled onto the side road I was confronted by a "Road Closed" sign. This is my life lately. I have nice diversions and good things happen to remind me that I'm not alone after all. But it seems that at every turn I'm met with a "Road Closed" sign. The fog is so thick that I can't see where I am and the darkness is rolling in all around. I'm looking for an exit but all I can see are the tail lights in front of me, keeping me on the road. I hope that when I get to my exit I can still see well enough not to miss it.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Yo-Yo
Lately my life has felt like a yo-yo. Everything is so back and forth. One day I have no job, no prospects, no money, and no hope for my future. The next I have two job interviews, more than enough money, a romantic prospect, and fun vacation plans.
A repeating theme this year has been "waiting." I'm waiting for things to work out with the State Department; I'm waiting for Prince Charming; I'm waiting tables; I'm waiting for the call that will get me a new job; etc. I've also thought a lot about NOT waiting anymore. I think my greatest fear is not taking advantage of every opportunity. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to waste my time. The struggle in this is determining how to find those opportunities; I know they don't just present themselves. I also know that fully taking advantage of opportunities is often about timing. Most things worth waiting for you actually have to wait for. So what's the balance? How do I know what I actually have to wait for and what I have to go out and take?
A repeating theme this year has been "waiting." I'm waiting for things to work out with the State Department; I'm waiting for Prince Charming; I'm waiting tables; I'm waiting for the call that will get me a new job; etc. I've also thought a lot about NOT waiting anymore. I think my greatest fear is not taking advantage of every opportunity. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to waste my time. The struggle in this is determining how to find those opportunities; I know they don't just present themselves. I also know that fully taking advantage of opportunities is often about timing. Most things worth waiting for you actually have to wait for. So what's the balance? How do I know what I actually have to wait for and what I have to go out and take?
Monday, December 03, 2007
Frustration
I am trained for nothing.
You would think that after four years of college and two years of graduate school I would be perceived as being capable of doing something. Surprise! My education means nothing without 2-5 years of experience in something. It's impossible for someone who spent the last 6 years of their life in school to have experience in anything since they WERE IN SCHOOL. Amazing.
I wish someone had told me that education isn't really worth anything before I wasted all that time and money.
I know I can do just about any job someone puts in front of me. However I don't have any relevant work experience to demonstrate that to potential employers.
I can't even get a non-profit job. Nobody wants non-profit jobs, but still, I can't get one.
I'm reaching the end of my rope with this job-hunting garbage. I guess it means I'll have to do the only I am really trained for: take an active duty position in the Army. That won't be so bad. I mean, at least I know they won't turn me down.
You would think that after four years of college and two years of graduate school I would be perceived as being capable of doing something. Surprise! My education means nothing without 2-5 years of experience in something. It's impossible for someone who spent the last 6 years of their life in school to have experience in anything since they WERE IN SCHOOL. Amazing.
I wish someone had told me that education isn't really worth anything before I wasted all that time and money.
I know I can do just about any job someone puts in front of me. However I don't have any relevant work experience to demonstrate that to potential employers.
I can't even get a non-profit job. Nobody wants non-profit jobs, but still, I can't get one.
I'm reaching the end of my rope with this job-hunting garbage. I guess it means I'll have to do the only I am really trained for: take an active duty position in the Army. That won't be so bad. I mean, at least I know they won't turn me down.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Mysterious Ways
After working at P.F. Chang's for over a year, I finally decided to find a new job. I will continue serving tables there one night a week, Sundays, at least through the holidays. It's the busiest time of year, and it would be stupid for me not to use that opportunity to make a little extra cash. And it gives me the option to pick up an extra shift when I need to.
I've accumulated a few regulars over the year, which is nice. I enjoy seeing them, I know what they like to order, and I know how to serve them best. I know a little about them, they know a little about me, it's a reminder that the people I serve are real people who have lives outside of eating at P.F. Chang's. Funny how spending so much time at one place, interacting with people on one level for so long has made me so myopic about society. I digress.
When I first started at Chang's I joked that the only way the job would help me launch my career would be if Gov. Bill Ritter sat at one of my tables and was impressed enough to offer me a job. Needless to say, that never happened. A few months ago though this man named Mark began frequenting P.F. Chang's, usually late on Thursdays, and just happened to sit in my section. He dined alone, ordered in waves and drank the same wine every time. He was friendly and actually seemed interested in getting to know me. He's in his mid-fifties with a wife and young son. They had moved from Breckenridge with the intent of expanding his company and being more accesible to his clients. They also began attending my parents' church. I told Mark about my hopes with the State Department, he explained his business to me. I saw him almost twice a week, usually alone, but sometimes with his son.
I was able to pick up a shift on Thursday night, just last minute, one last one before I begin my Sunday-only schedule. I was wrapping things up and getting ready to go home when Mark walked in. It had been months since he had been in, and I was just thinking earlier that day that I hadn't seen him in a while. He ordered his usual and we began chatting. I told him about my new job - I had previously discussed my brief exploration into marketing jobs at the end of the summer.
"I believe that sometimes God uses daily circumstances to reveal his will," Mark stated. "I would really like to see you succeed. Now, I'm sitting here thinking 'here's this bright young woman in front of me, who I see as very capable, her parents go to my church, and I think that there has to be some reason for this. I would like to help you however I can. I'm going to send you some information about my organization, you take a look at it and we'll talk about some options for you."
Wow.
Now I know that this isn't a concrete job offer. I know that nothing may ever come of this conversation. But I know an opportunity when I see one, and in this year of disappointment, I know a blessing when I experience one. Perhaps all this IS part of God's plan after all. For the first time in a while, I'm hopeful about my future. Sometimes a little encouragement is all that's needed to put things in motion.
I've accumulated a few regulars over the year, which is nice. I enjoy seeing them, I know what they like to order, and I know how to serve them best. I know a little about them, they know a little about me, it's a reminder that the people I serve are real people who have lives outside of eating at P.F. Chang's. Funny how spending so much time at one place, interacting with people on one level for so long has made me so myopic about society. I digress.
When I first started at Chang's I joked that the only way the job would help me launch my career would be if Gov. Bill Ritter sat at one of my tables and was impressed enough to offer me a job. Needless to say, that never happened. A few months ago though this man named Mark began frequenting P.F. Chang's, usually late on Thursdays, and just happened to sit in my section. He dined alone, ordered in waves and drank the same wine every time. He was friendly and actually seemed interested in getting to know me. He's in his mid-fifties with a wife and young son. They had moved from Breckenridge with the intent of expanding his company and being more accesible to his clients. They also began attending my parents' church. I told Mark about my hopes with the State Department, he explained his business to me. I saw him almost twice a week, usually alone, but sometimes with his son.
I was able to pick up a shift on Thursday night, just last minute, one last one before I begin my Sunday-only schedule. I was wrapping things up and getting ready to go home when Mark walked in. It had been months since he had been in, and I was just thinking earlier that day that I hadn't seen him in a while. He ordered his usual and we began chatting. I told him about my new job - I had previously discussed my brief exploration into marketing jobs at the end of the summer.
"I believe that sometimes God uses daily circumstances to reveal his will," Mark stated. "I would really like to see you succeed. Now, I'm sitting here thinking 'here's this bright young woman in front of me, who I see as very capable, her parents go to my church, and I think that there has to be some reason for this. I would like to help you however I can. I'm going to send you some information about my organization, you take a look at it and we'll talk about some options for you."
Wow.
Now I know that this isn't a concrete job offer. I know that nothing may ever come of this conversation. But I know an opportunity when I see one, and in this year of disappointment, I know a blessing when I experience one. Perhaps all this IS part of God's plan after all. For the first time in a while, I'm hopeful about my future. Sometimes a little encouragement is all that's needed to put things in motion.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Work Week
I finished my first week of 8-5 work. It was long, boring, and so wonderful to do something different. My temp position is in the Legal department of Vodafone. They hired me through a legal staffing agency to help index and organize about 250 boxes of files. I spent all week listing every item in every box.
In order to break up the monotony, I came up with little games to play as I indexed box after box. Keep in mind that I occupied an entire suite of offices by myself this week. One important detail is that while I sat at the front desk facing the main entrance, there is also a back entrance that is down a hallway and several rooms away. On Monday I was pretty content just to do my job and sit quietly just listing away. I took a nice long lunch break, walked down the 16th Street Mall in Denver, stopped at Starbucks for my daily eggnog latte (I love the holidays), and enjoyed being part of the adult working world. I engaged in conversations with homeless people, local vendors, and the Starbucks barista just to get some human interaction. After lunch I returned to the silence of my office suite to continue with my indexing. By Tuesday I was smart enough to bring my Ipod. I listened to podcasts of NPR, LSAT Logic in Everyday Life, and Coffee Break Spanish - unabashedly thinking out loud and practicing my Spanish in my best Scottish accent (the instructor for Coffee Break Spanish is Scottish, so all his Spanish has this interesting and charming brogue). I practiced my karaoke skills to my favorite songs and took advantage of the fact that I was alone in my own little world, with hundreds of file boxes. On Wednesday I was beginning to get a little crazy and became more creative with my self-entertainment methods. I decided that since I was surrounded by boxes I should build a fort. I began placing each box strategically after I indexed it. Before long I had a nice little structure. I still had more boxes though and I placed them in a sort of maze on the floor. I was putting my artistic skills to good use, sitting in my fort to index and walking through my maze, when suddenly I hear laughter. My stomach leapt. I wasn't alone after all.
Blushing deeply, I peeked out from inside my cave of boxes to see an unfamiliar man grinning at me. "Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm the temp for the next couple weeks." I crawled out, stood up and shook hands.
"Yes, hi, I'm just checking out the suite. We're thinking of moving into this space."
"Oh, well, it's only being used temporarily for this project."
"I see, and do you come with the space?"
"No, no, I'm just here with Vodafone to index these boxes."
"Well it looks like you've made yourself at home," he grinned, motioning toward my fort. "I'm just going to take a look around. I'll be out of your way in a minute."
"Okay, yeah, take your time, I'm just gonna get back to, uh, these boxes." I smiled and returned to my desk, thoroughly embarrassed. I put my headphones back on, and quietly indexed boxes until the man left through the front entrance. "Thanks!" he waved, "have fun."
"Yeah, thanks, have a nice day," I replied and smiled.
It took all of about three minutes after he left and I finished my current box before I resumed constructing my fort, I was in the process of adding a guest wing.
After lunch on Wednesday I had pretty much taken up as much reasonable space as possible with my construction projects and invented a new game. Many of the boxes have personnel files, each labeled with a last and first name. In one of the "G" boxes the names were pretty interesting so I started pronouncing them out loud in what I imagined was the language of origin. Russian sounding names became my favorite.
The next couple days continued like this, me, alone in the suite, uninterrupted in my Scottish-Spanish lessons, foreign name game, singing out loud, and artistically arranging box after box.
By 4pm today I completed all the boxes. It brought a nice feeling of accomplishment. On Monday I'm taking my lists and inputting them all into an electronic database. I'll be in the main office, at a desk surrounded by other people. While I'm looking forward to having more human contact, I hope I don't forget where I am and start singing or speaking Scottish-Spanish out loud.
In order to break up the monotony, I came up with little games to play as I indexed box after box. Keep in mind that I occupied an entire suite of offices by myself this week. One important detail is that while I sat at the front desk facing the main entrance, there is also a back entrance that is down a hallway and several rooms away. On Monday I was pretty content just to do my job and sit quietly just listing away. I took a nice long lunch break, walked down the 16th Street Mall in Denver, stopped at Starbucks for my daily eggnog latte (I love the holidays), and enjoyed being part of the adult working world. I engaged in conversations with homeless people, local vendors, and the Starbucks barista just to get some human interaction. After lunch I returned to the silence of my office suite to continue with my indexing. By Tuesday I was smart enough to bring my Ipod. I listened to podcasts of NPR, LSAT Logic in Everyday Life, and Coffee Break Spanish - unabashedly thinking out loud and practicing my Spanish in my best Scottish accent (the instructor for Coffee Break Spanish is Scottish, so all his Spanish has this interesting and charming brogue). I practiced my karaoke skills to my favorite songs and took advantage of the fact that I was alone in my own little world, with hundreds of file boxes. On Wednesday I was beginning to get a little crazy and became more creative with my self-entertainment methods. I decided that since I was surrounded by boxes I should build a fort. I began placing each box strategically after I indexed it. Before long I had a nice little structure. I still had more boxes though and I placed them in a sort of maze on the floor. I was putting my artistic skills to good use, sitting in my fort to index and walking through my maze, when suddenly I hear laughter. My stomach leapt. I wasn't alone after all.
Blushing deeply, I peeked out from inside my cave of boxes to see an unfamiliar man grinning at me. "Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm the temp for the next couple weeks." I crawled out, stood up and shook hands.
"Yes, hi, I'm just checking out the suite. We're thinking of moving into this space."
"Oh, well, it's only being used temporarily for this project."
"I see, and do you come with the space?"
"No, no, I'm just here with Vodafone to index these boxes."
"Well it looks like you've made yourself at home," he grinned, motioning toward my fort. "I'm just going to take a look around. I'll be out of your way in a minute."
"Okay, yeah, take your time, I'm just gonna get back to, uh, these boxes." I smiled and returned to my desk, thoroughly embarrassed. I put my headphones back on, and quietly indexed boxes until the man left through the front entrance. "Thanks!" he waved, "have fun."
"Yeah, thanks, have a nice day," I replied and smiled.
It took all of about three minutes after he left and I finished my current box before I resumed constructing my fort, I was in the process of adding a guest wing.
After lunch on Wednesday I had pretty much taken up as much reasonable space as possible with my construction projects and invented a new game. Many of the boxes have personnel files, each labeled with a last and first name. In one of the "G" boxes the names were pretty interesting so I started pronouncing them out loud in what I imagined was the language of origin. Russian sounding names became my favorite.
The next couple days continued like this, me, alone in the suite, uninterrupted in my Scottish-Spanish lessons, foreign name game, singing out loud, and artistically arranging box after box.
By 4pm today I completed all the boxes. It brought a nice feeling of accomplishment. On Monday I'm taking my lists and inputting them all into an electronic database. I'll be in the main office, at a desk surrounded by other people. While I'm looking forward to having more human contact, I hope I don't forget where I am and start singing or speaking Scottish-Spanish out loud.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Monday
On Monday I begin a new job. It's a temp position with Vodafone working on a two week administrative project. It's not my dream job, but it's a start in the right direction.
Since I put in my two weeks at Chang's it's bee much easier working there. I enjoy it more, I don't become so easily frustrated. I wish I had learned several months ago not to care so much about the job. I become so invested in whatever it is that I'm working on that I have a hard time letting things slide. I am a perfectionist. Since my job takes up a majority of my time I have difficulty not taking it too seriously. I get stressed out when things aren't running smoothly and I become bitter toward people who don't work as hard as I do. I get especially irritated when my hard work and dedication don't get recognized and the laziness or incompetence around me is ignored. That was one of my main frustrations at P.F. Chang's; I would show up every day and work my ass off, following rules, doing things as they should be done and doing them very well, and never receive a nod of approval. That is one of the very reasons I enjoy being in the Army. The standards are set and the standards are made clear to everyone. Those who choose not to meet them, either out of negligence or willful disregard, are punished, or at least not rewarded. Those who meet and exceed the standards are quickly recognized, rewarded, and given more responsibility. It's a system in which I can thrive. I pay close attention to details, but at the same time I view myself as a member of a larger team and I invision where I want to be within that grand scheme. At P.F. Chang's there was know view of the top, no path to promotion, it was a dead-end, no matter how hard I worked or how good I became at my job. As ambitious as I am, this is infinitely frustrating to me. Since I no longer have to depend on serving tables as my sole source of income, I'm almost considering staying on the schedule a couple nights a week, like a hobby. Sounds sick doesn't it? If I have another channel for my ambition, a place where I can work to achieve my goals, working part-time at Chang's is kind of appealing. I'm not committing to that yet. I'm going to see where my new position takes me and what all I can do next.
Since I put in my two weeks at Chang's it's bee much easier working there. I enjoy it more, I don't become so easily frustrated. I wish I had learned several months ago not to care so much about the job. I become so invested in whatever it is that I'm working on that I have a hard time letting things slide. I am a perfectionist. Since my job takes up a majority of my time I have difficulty not taking it too seriously. I get stressed out when things aren't running smoothly and I become bitter toward people who don't work as hard as I do. I get especially irritated when my hard work and dedication don't get recognized and the laziness or incompetence around me is ignored. That was one of my main frustrations at P.F. Chang's; I would show up every day and work my ass off, following rules, doing things as they should be done and doing them very well, and never receive a nod of approval. That is one of the very reasons I enjoy being in the Army. The standards are set and the standards are made clear to everyone. Those who choose not to meet them, either out of negligence or willful disregard, are punished, or at least not rewarded. Those who meet and exceed the standards are quickly recognized, rewarded, and given more responsibility. It's a system in which I can thrive. I pay close attention to details, but at the same time I view myself as a member of a larger team and I invision where I want to be within that grand scheme. At P.F. Chang's there was know view of the top, no path to promotion, it was a dead-end, no matter how hard I worked or how good I became at my job. As ambitious as I am, this is infinitely frustrating to me. Since I no longer have to depend on serving tables as my sole source of income, I'm almost considering staying on the schedule a couple nights a week, like a hobby. Sounds sick doesn't it? If I have another channel for my ambition, a place where I can work to achieve my goals, working part-time at Chang's is kind of appealing. I'm not committing to that yet. I'm going to see where my new position takes me and what all I can do next.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
On the Hunt
Once again I've begun searching for jobs. Only this time with quite a bit more urgency. I quit my job at P.F. Chang's and am staring into an endless abyss of possibility. I have until next Wednesday to find a job.
So far I have two leads. I'v primarily been applying for legal assistant jobs at Denver law firms. I have a friend of a friend who's husband is a lawyer and is looking for an administrative assistant. I think that's the most promising lead. All the employment experts say that knowing someone is the best lead in finding a job. The other lead is through a legal staffing agency. I'm going down to their office on Friday to take a series of skill assesment tests. I'm very encouraged by that opportunity simply because I've never worked at a law firm, but I know I have valuable skills. It will be good to get an objective measure of what I'm qualified to do and then search from there. I've also sent my resume in to several Media/Communications jobs, and Fundraising/Development jobs. I know responding to internet postings has a generally low success rate, but I think once managers see my resume they'll want to meet me; and I am great at the interview. I've spent some time working on my cover letter; I think it's more effective now, emphasizing my accomplishments and differentiating me from the competition.
If worse comes to worse and nothing works out by the end of the month I have a few safety net plans as well. It's holiday shopping season and I know I can easily get a seasonal retail job while I continue to search. Also, the Army always provides an alternative. I can simply go for additional training or even volunteer for a full-time position. I'm just so relieved to be getting out of service industry jobs. It was too stressful, thankless, and ultimately a dead-end. I just hope I can convince future employers that the customer service and salesmanship skills I gained over the last year are valuable. I don't want my time serving tables to be a complete loss.
Law school is still on the horizon. I'm spending most of my time during the day studying for the LSAT. My score is improving little by little with every practice exam. I still need to work on the Logical Reasoning section, but I'm confident with some practice I can nail it.
So far I have two leads. I'v primarily been applying for legal assistant jobs at Denver law firms. I have a friend of a friend who's husband is a lawyer and is looking for an administrative assistant. I think that's the most promising lead. All the employment experts say that knowing someone is the best lead in finding a job. The other lead is through a legal staffing agency. I'm going down to their office on Friday to take a series of skill assesment tests. I'm very encouraged by that opportunity simply because I've never worked at a law firm, but I know I have valuable skills. It will be good to get an objective measure of what I'm qualified to do and then search from there. I've also sent my resume in to several Media/Communications jobs, and Fundraising/Development jobs. I know responding to internet postings has a generally low success rate, but I think once managers see my resume they'll want to meet me; and I am great at the interview. I've spent some time working on my cover letter; I think it's more effective now, emphasizing my accomplishments and differentiating me from the competition.
If worse comes to worse and nothing works out by the end of the month I have a few safety net plans as well. It's holiday shopping season and I know I can easily get a seasonal retail job while I continue to search. Also, the Army always provides an alternative. I can simply go for additional training or even volunteer for a full-time position. I'm just so relieved to be getting out of service industry jobs. It was too stressful, thankless, and ultimately a dead-end. I just hope I can convince future employers that the customer service and salesmanship skills I gained over the last year are valuable. I don't want my time serving tables to be a complete loss.
Law school is still on the horizon. I'm spending most of my time during the day studying for the LSAT. My score is improving little by little with every practice exam. I still need to work on the Logical Reasoning section, but I'm confident with some practice I can nail it.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Diversions
So just when I needed something to distract me from my recent frustrations one of my friends called me with an extra ticket to the Maroon 5 concert. Most people don't know this about me, but I have a huge crush on Adam Levine. I know I should be past that middle-school phase of swooning over celebrities, but I just can't help it. So, of course I leapt at the opportunity to see him live. I was not disappointed - well I was disappointed in the fact that he didn't pull me up on stage, fall instantly in love with me and ask me to travel with him on tour because he can't be without me. But, wow. It was a great show. It really took my mind off the things that have been bothering me lately. It just goes to show that when I really need it most, something good happens.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Disappointment
“Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it.”
Eliza Tabor
Eliza Tabor
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sleep to Dream
Anger is an all-consuming emotion. I used to feel that being angry was a bad thing. It's only been in the last couple years I've learned to accept anger as a legitimate, acceptable, natural human emotion. Sometimes I do and say things out of anger that are destructive, but I am usually very quick to recognize my fault and apologize. Lately though I've been a lot more angry. Everyone has bad days, I have bad months. I don't think I've not been angry since June. Not to say that I was never angry before that, but I don't think a day has passed in the last four months where I have not been mad about something or someone. I've never been an angry person. I've typically been good natured, easy-going, and kind. I don't know to what I should attribute this drastic change in attitude, but I think it's getting worse. It's gotten to the point where I can't sleep because I have dreams where I'm angry. I thought maybe it was just stress. But the situations in my dreams are not just stressful, they are enraging.
At this point I should probably explain that I am sort of a mystic about dreams. I think they reveal a lot about what's going on emotionally and spiritually. I don't like to admit when I'm upset or acknowledge when I've been wronged, I just let things slide. So when I start having repetitive dreams that mirror frustrating emotional situations I have to pay attention. Last night I had a dream that I kept falling back in to. I was in a prison where I was accused of a crime I never committed. I was in a cell with two friends and they were plotting an escape but they refused to discuss it with me. When the guard came in to question me, my friends stood by with their hands behind their backs as the guard repeatedly tazed me. I couldn't speak because he was tazing my neck and my entire body was limp from the electric current. What kept waking me up in a cold sweat was not the pain from the tazing it was the anger I felt toward my friends who continued to allow this to happen to me even though they knew I was innocent.
Here's what I think it means:
I'm angry and God and people because I have been very disappointed
I'm disappointed because I don't believe God has provided for me very well, and I'm disappointed in my friends because I feel they have abandoned me - both parties have failed to uphold what I believe to be their primary purpose in the relationship.
I feel hopeless at times about my future and trapped by my current circumstances.
Now I concede that I may have had unreasonable expectations for God and friends, but I don't think my expectations were completely unfounded. So this is confusing, disappointing, and enraging. My natural reaction to such disappointments is to push them away and insist that I don't need them anyway. I feel like God has led me in to the desert to wander for forty years and all my friends have found their way out and left me behind. I thought we were supposed to be on this journey together. What happened? I want to believe that God is good and that he loves me. I want to believe that I have people who care about me. But lately there isn't any evidence of this. I refuse to be powerless as a result of this abandonment. So I choose anger. I don't like it. I would much rather be hopeful and optimistic. I've always pitied bitter people because I recognized the disappointment they must have experienced to make them so hateful. I believe I have a good heart. I want to love freely and deeply. I hope I'm still capable when I finally make it to Canaan.
At this point I should probably explain that I am sort of a mystic about dreams. I think they reveal a lot about what's going on emotionally and spiritually. I don't like to admit when I'm upset or acknowledge when I've been wronged, I just let things slide. So when I start having repetitive dreams that mirror frustrating emotional situations I have to pay attention. Last night I had a dream that I kept falling back in to. I was in a prison where I was accused of a crime I never committed. I was in a cell with two friends and they were plotting an escape but they refused to discuss it with me. When the guard came in to question me, my friends stood by with their hands behind their backs as the guard repeatedly tazed me. I couldn't speak because he was tazing my neck and my entire body was limp from the electric current. What kept waking me up in a cold sweat was not the pain from the tazing it was the anger I felt toward my friends who continued to allow this to happen to me even though they knew I was innocent.
Here's what I think it means:
I'm angry and God and people because I have been very disappointed
I'm disappointed because I don't believe God has provided for me very well, and I'm disappointed in my friends because I feel they have abandoned me - both parties have failed to uphold what I believe to be their primary purpose in the relationship.
I feel hopeless at times about my future and trapped by my current circumstances.
Now I concede that I may have had unreasonable expectations for God and friends, but I don't think my expectations were completely unfounded. So this is confusing, disappointing, and enraging. My natural reaction to such disappointments is to push them away and insist that I don't need them anyway. I feel like God has led me in to the desert to wander for forty years and all my friends have found their way out and left me behind. I thought we were supposed to be on this journey together. What happened? I want to believe that God is good and that he loves me. I want to believe that I have people who care about me. But lately there isn't any evidence of this. I refuse to be powerless as a result of this abandonment. So I choose anger. I don't like it. I would much rather be hopeful and optimistic. I've always pitied bitter people because I recognized the disappointment they must have experienced to make them so hateful. I believe I have a good heart. I want to love freely and deeply. I hope I'm still capable when I finally make it to Canaan.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Too Much Time, Too Little to Do
I don't think I've ever had the problem of having too few things to fill my time. I've had to begin creating projects for myself just so I don't waste my days watching re-runs of America's Next Top Model on MTV. It's my shameful indulgence. Some people watch porn, I watch model wannabes perform a variety of stupid human tricks to try and get on a magazine cover - what's not to love? Okay, anyway. So I have decided to take the LSAT in December. Preparing for this should reasonably consume about two hours a day. I have also enthusiastically agreed to write an article for my dad about building the Panama Canal as a metaphor for understanding cultural context. This could also reasonably consume two hours a day. I'm helping my mom do some research on bilingual education policy for one of her classes - again I could easily spend several hours a day on this. Suddenly my problem is not lack of activity, but disciplining myself again to be productive. I've become so lazy. I need to get back on track, get back in to my exercise routine, get back in to reading and writing on a daily basis, and just make better use of my time in general. I've always been more efficient when I have too much to do. Now, I feel that time is infinite and I can't accomplish anything. For example, today, I got up, ate breakfast and promptly tuned in to, no, not ANTM, but HBO on-demand for a little Sex and the City (my newest shameful indulgence). Hey at least it's something different. And in some books it might even be considered educational. Ugh, why am I letting myself just waste away? I need a wake-up call.
Prepare for the Worst, Plan on Catastrophe?
I'm not sure who decided that it was a good idea for people the live as if the worst possible outcome is the most likely. When it comes to planning for the future, or even living in the present, I prefer to believe that things work out for the best. Especially when it comes to other people and my relationships. I tend to see the best in people, or at least I try (my current occupation is hardening me to this, but that is another issue all together). Perhaps its naive, but I never assume that relationships are naturally headed for disappointment. Isn't part of the enjoyment of life and love the hope for happily-ever-after? Now I understand the rationale that I need to protect myself and be careful about getting wrapped up in my emotions, but I never want to be so guarded that I fail to love simply because I'm scared that it might end in heartache. I like taking chances, being spontaneous. In relationships I need someone who will take risks with me. "Why not go out on a limb, that's where all the fruit is," according to Mark Twain. The limb may or may not break, but how will I know if I never try? If it holds, maybe I'll get my hands on the sweetest fruit.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Compass Points
"Read the directions and directly you will be directed in the right direction."
- Lewis Carrol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Sometimes life takes you in an unexpected direction. For the last year or so I've worked and waited aimlessly for what I hoped would be my dream job, my big break, my easy street. So far, no progress. I was facing one direction, keeping on the blinders. Maybe it could be considered focus, but I really wasn't accomplishing anything. So, I decided to pick a new direction. Not completely new. I'm revisiting an old path: Law School. I toyed with the idea throughout college and put it aside because I didn't want to be an attorney. I decided to go to grad school instead. I kind of think the compass was pointing toward law school the whole time. In my first semester at KU I attended a lecture given by Gary Hagen, the president of International Justice Mission. I was inspired by the stories of lives transformed by the organization. I've been a supporter ever since. But I really want to do more.
My Dad is my sounding board for pretty much anything on my mind. He has great insights into my personality and decision-making processes and his words about my future ring clear in my mind as I think through my next step. He often reminds me that I am destined for great things. He reaffirms my own beliefs that God has designed and called me to accomplish deeds that will have eternal effects. He also reminds me that just because I see a need I do not need to fulfill it. I am a habitual over-achiever. I want to be everything to everyone. I sincerely enjoy giving of myself to others and I get the greatest satisfaction when I am a catalyst of others' success. Perhaps some people call this co-dependence or people-pleasing behavior. I admit I can fall victim to those unhealthy tendencies. For the most part though, I draw my boundaries and I know my limitations. I have learned that overextending myself only leads to destructive feelings of resentment and self-righteous martyrdom. When it comes to career decisions I must be aware of the fact that my decisions may be affected by these desires to meet some extroverted need.
What confuses me about my current circumstances is that joining the Foreign Service never appealed to my sense of obligation to the greater good. It was something I wanted for me, for the advancement of my career, and still fulfilled my desire to perform a public service. It seemed wholly selfish and not self-centered. It appeared to be a perfect opportunity for me to use my natural abilities while advancing my career. Now, over a year later, I am still waiting for someone to make a decision, somewhere that could affect my entire occupational future. It's like standing in a clearing waiting for someone to install a sign post.
With my decision to apply for Law School I am pulling the compass out of my pocket and moving out of the clearing. I have spent my entire life catching the opportunities thrown at me. I am a spiritual mystic, believing that God uses my surrounding universe to communicate his will in many ways. Honestly, I haven't had to work very hard to get where I am. Things have always come easily to me, and I have taken them as signs to take certain actions. Thus I've never had to practice perseverance. Perhaps now is my time to take the hard road, hack through some underbrush, and move toward my ultimate goal rather than just allow the path to open up before me.
- Lewis Carrol, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Sometimes life takes you in an unexpected direction. For the last year or so I've worked and waited aimlessly for what I hoped would be my dream job, my big break, my easy street. So far, no progress. I was facing one direction, keeping on the blinders. Maybe it could be considered focus, but I really wasn't accomplishing anything. So, I decided to pick a new direction. Not completely new. I'm revisiting an old path: Law School. I toyed with the idea throughout college and put it aside because I didn't want to be an attorney. I decided to go to grad school instead. I kind of think the compass was pointing toward law school the whole time. In my first semester at KU I attended a lecture given by Gary Hagen, the president of International Justice Mission. I was inspired by the stories of lives transformed by the organization. I've been a supporter ever since. But I really want to do more.
My Dad is my sounding board for pretty much anything on my mind. He has great insights into my personality and decision-making processes and his words about my future ring clear in my mind as I think through my next step. He often reminds me that I am destined for great things. He reaffirms my own beliefs that God has designed and called me to accomplish deeds that will have eternal effects. He also reminds me that just because I see a need I do not need to fulfill it. I am a habitual over-achiever. I want to be everything to everyone. I sincerely enjoy giving of myself to others and I get the greatest satisfaction when I am a catalyst of others' success. Perhaps some people call this co-dependence or people-pleasing behavior. I admit I can fall victim to those unhealthy tendencies. For the most part though, I draw my boundaries and I know my limitations. I have learned that overextending myself only leads to destructive feelings of resentment and self-righteous martyrdom. When it comes to career decisions I must be aware of the fact that my decisions may be affected by these desires to meet some extroverted need.
What confuses me about my current circumstances is that joining the Foreign Service never appealed to my sense of obligation to the greater good. It was something I wanted for me, for the advancement of my career, and still fulfilled my desire to perform a public service. It seemed wholly selfish and not self-centered. It appeared to be a perfect opportunity for me to use my natural abilities while advancing my career. Now, over a year later, I am still waiting for someone to make a decision, somewhere that could affect my entire occupational future. It's like standing in a clearing waiting for someone to install a sign post.
With my decision to apply for Law School I am pulling the compass out of my pocket and moving out of the clearing. I have spent my entire life catching the opportunities thrown at me. I am a spiritual mystic, believing that God uses my surrounding universe to communicate his will in many ways. Honestly, I haven't had to work very hard to get where I am. Things have always come easily to me, and I have taken them as signs to take certain actions. Thus I've never had to practice perseverance. Perhaps now is my time to take the hard road, hack through some underbrush, and move toward my ultimate goal rather than just allow the path to open up before me.
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