Reflections on the Christmas Season

This year I am reminded of how blessed I am. It's been a difficult year for me, but I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and every once in a while something comes along to help me remember that the universe is not set against me.



I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.



The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.



Even then, God reigns.



Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.



At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.



It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.



This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.