I don't love motherhood (and that's okay)

I don't love being a mom. I adore my daughter, don't get me wrong, but this motherhood business sucks.

While watching a new child take in the world with wonder and excitement can be magical. You know what else is magical? Drinking the left side of a cocktail menu with your best girlfriends, a weekend hiking in the mountains, a long run with your best running friend, going to a movie. . . All the things I used to enjoy without any thought of rushing home to rescue my grumpy husband from a grumpy baby who desperately wants to latch herself onto my body from the second I walk in the door.

I've always been one to make the best of things. Perseverance with a positive attitude is my strong suit. I *enjoyed* Army Basic Combat Training, for goodness sakes. But I can't say I'm embracing motherhood. I'm dedicated to my family. I work a full-time job away from home so my husband can be the stay-at-home dad he said he wanted to be. I've breastfed our daughter the whole first year and am continuing to do so, because I know it's best. I've restricted my diet, kept dairy and sugar to a minimum, limited myself to one cup of coffee in the morning and one glass of wine at night. I've struggled with hard questions of whether to get this vaccination, that one, or none at all. I've read dozens of articles and several books about baby development, teething, walking, and fevers. I've spent hours trying to pick the right books and toys to raise a culturally sensitive, compassionate, and literate child. I've sucked snot from my daughter's noise through a goddamn straw. I'm not complaining. I'm bragging. No matter how much I'm not crazy about all the burdens of motherhood, I'm handling them like a boss.

It's hard not to be a little resentful when my husband sends a text saying that he's going to the bar to play trivia with a group of people I used to know. It's hard not to be jealous when he tells our daughter how much he loves her but he hasn't told me in weeks. But I'm not bitter. I'm not jealous. I know this is all temporary and I'm making an investment in the long term wellbeing of another human. Every parent has high hopes for their children. But I have high hopes for what I can do for my child. I want to show her how to be strong, to be determined, to persevere with a positive attitude. I want to inspire her to work hard. I want to model kindness, compassion, and honesty for her. I want her to know she is loved.

Love requires sacrifice. I'm committed to being the best mom I can be, even if it's not what makes me happy. I can be joyful and content with my choices. I will make the very best of what my life has become. That's what I do.

I'm hosting a party today to celebrate my daughter turning 1. It's at a brewery, because I have earned a beer. We survived one whole year as parents, and have a healthy, strong, spirited baby to show for it. You better believe when my child turns 21, I'm throwing one hell of a party, for me.

December Reflections Day 1: DRINK

I've thought more about drinks this year than I have about anything else. What can I drink? What should I drink? How much water should I drink? How much booze can I drink before I become a "bad mom"? Will drinking this tea make me produce more milk for my baby to drink? How much coffee can I drink before I turn into a sweaty, nervous mess? If I drink a bottle of champagne, will it make me enjoy Nebraska football? (No, the answer is definitely "no" on that one.) If I drink this jalapeno (or raspberry, or rhubarb, or whatever whacky non-beer food item the local craft brewer decided should go in beer) flavored beer will my internet friends think I'm cool and interesting?

It makes sense though, I don't know if there's any one thing we do more often than drink. Carryyourcup.org says "Americans consume 400 million cups of coffee per day, and throw away 25 billion styrofoam coffee cups every year." That's a lot of drinking.

In 2014, I spent what probably amounts to hours (and hundreds of dollars - ack!) in front of refrigerated shelves trying to determine whether this tea/juice/fermented beverage would be better than that tea/juice/fermented beverage. If the Elixir of Life is in a bottle, I would have found it by now.

I'm pretty sure this was the year when some health/fashion guru/reality TV star "discovered" that drinking enough water throughout the day can improve your health. NEWSFLASH!

Tell that to the millions of people around the world who don't have access to clean drinking water. This is probably the greatest global crisis today, and the single most distinguishing feature between developed and developing nations.

What we have in excess, millions of other people don't have at all.

I'm not sure what to do about that problem, or if there is much that I can do myself. Maybe by the end of 2015, I'll have better answers. For now, I'll give to the Samaritan's Purse Clean Water Project, so that more people can have a drink.

A New Year to Thrive

New Years is inevitably a time to reflect on the past year and plan for the next year. A year in which we will be better, healthier, smarter, more creative, more kind, more devout, more generous, more this, better that; a harder working, more successful version of who we were over the last 365 days. The hope of a new year, a fresh start, is intoxicating.

By March though, most of us have resumed the same unproductive routines that we swore off and resolved to remedy in January. This has made most of us reluctant to make New Years Resolutions, at least publicly. I  too have shied from making "resolutions" and instead choose to set goals for the new year. Specific, measurable accomplishments to check off on a list. Calling them goals instead of resolutions hasn't made me any better at sticking to them though. 

2012 was a really great year for me though, regardless of how many of my goals I actually accomplished. It was a year of great new friendships, growth, learning, loving, and, most importantly, adventure. After living in Colorado for six  years, I finally feel like I have a group of real, solid friends that I can trust and depend on. Until now, those people have been few and far away. I've always had very high social needs, so it's really wonderful to be able make frequent plans with people I really care about. The best part of my whole day is the hour plus I spend at the gym before work. It's an intense workout, but it's also so fun, and so fulfilling because some of my favorite people are there.

Volunteering as a coach for Girls on the Run is one of the activities I'm most proud of this year, and most excited about for next year. I had the absolute pleasure of working with over 50 girls, ages 8-14, to train to run a 5K race. Not only did I get to share my love of running, but I got to play games, skip, ride imaginary dragons, and be generally silly twice a week some really amazing girls. It was great to find something to fill the void after my work with the AIR Foundation ended. There are few things I love more than helping someone accomplish their own goals. 

Jim and I got to take an amazing trip to Reykjavik, Iceland in October this year. We went for the Iceland Airwaves music festival. It was so much more than we ever expected. It was colder, windier, darker, the landscape more barren, the Blue Lagoon was more otherworldly, the people more European, the beers more tasty (and more expensive), and the music more lively. It was incredible. While I'm now craving a beach vacation with lots of warmth, sunlight, and all-included booze, Iceland is a place that will stick with me. 

It's hard for me not to be hopeful, optimistic, and downright thrilled about 2013. I have some really fantastic things in store. The biggest event on the horizon is the Boise Ironman 70.3 on June 8. It's going to be one of the toughest challenges I've ever attempted. I'm doing it with some of the strongest, most determined and amazing women I know, so I know it's going to be an incredible experience, regardless of my finishing time. I know June will be here sooner than any of us can believe, and I am psyched to start training.

One of the resolutions I'll have a hard time NOT keeping, with all the Ironman 70.3 training, is eating healthier in the new year. To aid in this effort, Jim and I are committing to eating vegan at least one day a week in 2013. I've been reading Thrive by Brendan Brazier, a professional triathlete, who advocates for a plant-based diet. It's pretty convincing to read about how much of a positive impact going vegan can have on an athlete's body, as well as the rest of the planet. I'm looking forward to seeing how effective this diet change will be on my own athletic performance. The vegan lifestyle is synonymous with my views about personal responsibility for making the world a better place, I think I just needed an excuse to make the leap.

I hope you'll follow me in 2013 as I attempt to keep a better record of the wonderful and exciting things I have going on. One of my goals for the new year is to limit my TV watching to just 3 hours/week. Let's see if that means I write more!

The Hurdle

If you know me, or even if you've just read this blog occasionally over the last couple years, you know a little bit about my struggle to get my dream job. After having all but completely given up on it, I'm making another run for it.

In April 2005, I took and passed the Foreign Service Office Test and was extended an invitation to the Oral Assessment the following spring. I completed and passed that, and was added to the list of eligible candidates. I counted myself blessed and rejoiced in the fact that within a few short months I would be doing exactly what I was created to do - a rare gift that I know not everyone experiences. God had other plans (and doesn't he always?).

I have always been healthy. I've never had headaches or asthma or severe allergies or sinus problems, broken bones remain unknown to me, I had the chicken pox for a week when I was 10 and that was the sickest I think I've ever been in my whole life. And it was also an awesome week because I watched every single episode of I Love Lucy that my mom could find on VHS.

After the Oral Assessment, candidates for the Foreign Service must complete a background check, medical  clearance and security clearance. Background check was no problem and I was awarded my State Department Security Clearance before my DOD clearance which had been initiated 6 months prior. The hiccup was in my medical clearance. Before I left for Fort Jackson the summer of 2006 to finish AIT for the Army, I completed the standard physical, including all required blood work. My white blood cell counts were off, but by the time the anomoly had been discovered, I was happily sweating my ass off in training with no opportunity to repeat the tests.

I moved to Colorado in September, expecting to live with my parents until January, when I was certain I would be shipping off to begin my work at an embassy or consulate overseas. I quickly repeated all the medical tests, and once again, my white blood cell counts were off. I was referred to a hematologist for a bone marrow biopsy. Uninsured (I was working at a restaurant), and frightened, I delayed the test until after Christmas.

By the time all the tests had come back normal, I had dropped so far down on the eligible candidate list that my chances of actually getting an assigment had shrunk to nil. The battery of medical exams with questionable results (all tests came back normal in the end) and the extended amount of time it took to obtain a medical clearance was enough to sink that ship. I was crushed. Ever since I've been too timid to pursue challeging work. I've let that fear keep me in positions where I can skate by without much effort. I gave up.

Now, after several years of jobs that are unchallenging, uninteresting, and lead absolutely no where that I want to be, it's time to resuscitate my dream. I have almost 8 years of military experience now, a husband who can live and work anywhere in the world, some real-world work experience, and motivation to start living the life I am meant to live.

I trust that God has a plan. I trusted that God was sovereign in the midst of my medical mishaps. I sincerely believe that God gives us talents, skills, desires and dreams to fulfill his plan for our lives, and to glorify him by using those gifts to the best of our ability. If my only hurdle is the fear of being disappointed again, then it's time to jump it and move on.

House Hunting, Job Hunting, and the Pursuit of Happiness

A lot has changed since my last post. Jim and I decided not to make our big international move this year. When it came down to it, we really like living in Denver, and Saudi Arabia just doesn't hold the same appeal. So we've moved in the exact opposite direction and decided to buy a house here. After several months of searching, finding, and losing houses, we finally put one under contract! It was a long lesson in patience and faith. While this house may not be our dream house, I had to realize that it doesn't have to be our dream house in order for it to be a good place to live right now. We're very excited about getting the inspection wrapped up and getting settled into our first house.

Since the end of June, I've been essentially unemployed and looking for a new job. I finally pulled the plug at Dill and Dill and have not looked back once. There are several opportunities in the pipeline, one in particular I hope works out. There are certainly moments of self-doubt, and soul-searching as I try to determine what it is I actually want to do. I've considered going back to school for my PhD, but decided against it for now. I've flirted with government work and politics for years now, but am finally letting that dream go, for now. Not because I don't think I could be successful, but because I think I need to focus on developing a professional skill set, building a network, and generally learning and growing. I am searching for a vocation, a calling, right now.

Similarly, I've been able to work almost full-time with my Army Reserve unit this month. I really do love being in the Army. I have rarely worked in a environment where I feel so valued and respected. I work hard, I encourage those around me to work hard, I accomplish things, and make a significant contribution. It's encouraging, especially after working in an environment for three years where nothing I did was appreciated and there was absolutely no motivation to work hard. There was no challenge and no potential for challenge or opportunity for growth. It's refreshing to know that if I work hard I'll receive bigger and better assignments, I'll get promoted, I'll have more opportunities to keep proving myself and improving my own skills. I think it's a real possibility, down the road, to work in a full-time active duty position with the Army.

The future is bright and I'm excited about new opportunities.

Becoming Productive

As Jim and I are contemplating a big international move this year, I'm growing more and more excited about how I will be using my time during our time overseas. Nothing is official yet, but it certainly looks like it's going to happen, enshallah. The biggest struggle for me about the move, is that I will not likely have a paying job while we're there, and my personal freedoms will be severely limited. I'm not afraid of living in a part of the world that's not receptive to Americans (especially American women), but I am afraid of being bored. Well, I was afraid of being bored. It turns out there are lots of things I could do with all that free time.

The most exciting prospect right now is the potential to gather data on collective action in a closed society. With all the recent anti-government movements around the world, and particularly in the Middle East, it poses an interesting question.

I'll keep you updated on the move as we get closer to making our decision and securing employment for Jim.

Snow Bound

It's a quiet, cold day in Denver. Schools are closed across the state and those of us who don't have to brave the icy roads to get to work and turn the money wheel, are restricting ourselves to the indoors. There is talk that it's actually colder in Denver than in Antarctica today; I don't want to know what people are saying in Chicago.

Today may very well be may last day of part-time freedom. So I'm enjoying a cup of coffee with a friend at a local coffee shop just down the street from my apartment. Tomorrow I may very likely be returning to Dill and Dill full time. After five months of alternative employment, I'm struggling with the thought of going back to a place that made me so miserable. Why am I willingly returning? Really, it's a job. It pays my bills. It's not even remotely satisfying, and most days it's downright infuriating. But the thought of a full-on job hunt right now is even more discouraging than returning to a full paying job that I hate.

Maybe I'm making excuses, but with the plan to move to the Middle East to teach English with Jim looming just around the corner, it's hard for me to pursue something new. While I'm afraid of not being able to find a job at all, I'm really afraid of finding a job I love and then having to leave it in 6 or 8 months. Maybe the problem is that I don't really know what I want to do. It all seemed so simple and straight-forward when I was in college. Then I went to grad school, moved to Colorado, and things became complicated. I don't think it's so much about "finding myself," but finding work that I love. I'm quite envious of people who have jobs and careers that they care about, that they can dedicate themselves too. I want that. Perhaps I want purpose. Perhaps I need to find purpose outside of work. Perhaps I need to realize that my worth is not only related to what I do for work. 

A Crisis of Literary Proportions

This morning I received a Recommendations e-mail from Barnes & Noble. I opened it hoping for suggestions of new books to enjoy, based on my recent purchases. When the only suggestions listed were for teen romance/adventure novels, I felt a wash of shame come over me. I've recognized this problem, as I indicated in my New Years Resolutions note on Facebook. I didn't realize the seriousness of my addiction until this morning.

I used to be such a good reader. I remember a time, not that long ago when I eagerly devoured thick volumes about important historical figures like Martin Luther King Jr. and Teddy Roosevelt, and political leaders like Hugo Chavez and Aung San Suu Ki. Even as a child I remember reading an entire series on British Monarchs. In the last two months I’ve read seven books – The Hunger Games Trilogy and the Twilight Series. Is this what I've come to? Someone who can only be satisfied by soft-core teen literary porn?

Where must I go to find redemption? The weight of so many unread "classics" has become almost unbearable. I could always just ease out with THE vampire novel, Dracula. Will that merely lead to backsliding and The Historian or Let The Right One In? Should I start easy with something light and humorous like Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, perhaps? Or do I just go for it, and dive into The Next 100 Years by George Friedman? Of course I could take a different path and finish one of the dozen "adult" books I've started in the last few months. That hardly seems like a good way to start fresh though. Any suggestions for good books are always welcome. The circumstances are dire and I'm afraid it won't be long before I break down and sink into the mindless abyss of James Patterson's new teen series; that must be the lowest of lows.

2011: The Challenge and Adventure

If I were to title my autobiographical novel (because we all know an element of fiction is essential) for the upcoming year, it would be Challenge and Adventure. I'm anticipating for the next year to be both difficult and exciting. I hope that it will be a growing year for me. Banking on Eleanor Roosevelt's famous insight, "We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face," I'm moving forward into the new year with boldness, whatever it may hold.

The Challenge: Learning how to be Married.
I know myself pretty well, on my own. I've grown accustomed to making my own decisions, acting on my own accord, doing what I want to do. Now I have to take another person into consideration in my decisions and actions. The real challenge though is determining the balance of doing things for myself and including Jim. I want to plan things for us to do together, but I don't want to put my own plans on indefinite hold waiting for him to come along. Then there are HIS plans that I want to be sensitive to as well. What makes this easy and difficult at the same time is that neither of us are planners. We both prefer to "play it by ear" and just see what happens. What I've learned relatively quickly though is that when you're coordinating two lives, some planning is really essential. I don't expect to have the whole marriage thing figured out in a year, but I hope to be half as frustrated with it as I am now.

There will be many adventures in 2011. I'm focusing on personal growth though. I've been wanting to go back to school for some time, but it make much sense to me right now. So I'm taking cooking classes, reading with a purpose, training for a triathlon, and just trying to make the most of my days. There is a lot to look forward to - Relaxing in Cancun, Camping in Yellowstone, hiking in the rockies, etc.  I'm adding "Visit Dawn in Spain" to my list too; it's criminal to have a good friend who lives in another country and not visit her.

As with anyone, I hope to look back on 2011 and feel that I did it justice. Keep up with the fun - and keep me up to date on your own challenges and adventures.

US West National Parks Road Trip Plans

Dream summer vacation of 2011:

Day 1: Leave Denver, drive to Jackson Hole, WY (approximately 530 miles/9 hours). Stop in Laramie for Lunch. Dinner at Snake River Brewery. Stay overnight at Jackson Hole area hotel. Eat breakfast at The Bunnery.

Day 2: Drive/Hike Grand Tetons National Park - Jenny Lake Area Hiking. Camp overnight.

Day 3: Hike Grand Tetons National Park. Camp overnight.

Day 4: Leave Grand Tetons for Yellowstone National Park (approximately 100 miles/2 hours). Drive/Hike Yellowstone National Park. Camp overnight.

Day 5: Hiking in Yellowstone. Camp overnight. Possible backcountry hiking/camping.

Day 6: Hiking in Yellowstone. Camp overnight or stay at Mammoth Hot Springs Hotel.

Day 7: Hiking in Yellowstone/Leave for Bozeman, MT (approximately 290 miles/5 hours). Camp overnight in Bozeman area campground.

Day 8: Leave Bozeman for Kalispell, MT (approximately 300 miles/5.5 hours). Lunch in Helena (Blackfoot River Brewing). Stay overnight at Kalispell area campground.

Day 9: Leave Kalispell for Glacier National Park (approximately 60 miles/1.5 hours). Drive/Hike Glacier National Park. Going-to-the-Sun Road. Camp overnight in the park.

Day 10: Drive/Hike Glacier National Park. Camp overnight in the park.

Day 11: Hike Glacier National Park. Waterton Lakes National Park of Canada. Camp overnight in the park.

Day 12: Leave Glacier National Park for Bob Marshall Wilderness Complex (approximately 150 miles/3.5 hours) - Hike in Holland Lake area. Camp overnight at Cave Mountain Campground.

Day 13: Leave the Bob for Billings, MT (approximately 400 miles/6 hours). Stay overnight in Billings area hotel.

Day 14: Leave Billings for Little Big Horn Battlefield National Monument (approximately 63 miles/1 hour). Leave for Devil's Tower National Monument (approximately 200 miles/3 hours). Leave for Denver (approximately 400 miles/7 hours). Home!

I'm currently research local breweries along the route - apparently Montana has quite a few. If there's a promise for lots of beer, Jim will be more excited about driving 2,300+ miles in two weeks. We got a National Parks Annual Pass as a wedding gift; we're sure to get some good use out of it on this trip! I'll probably update this itinerary with more details as I continue to research the Parks and cities along the way.

Now we just need to find the two-weeks of vacation time to do this, and a couple really good audio books.

New Adventures and Old Hang-ups

Today is probably not the best day to re-introduce myself to the blogosphere after several months of silence; but it's about time to provide an update.

I've recently started a new part-time contracting job working on Health Care Reform for the State of Colorado. I'm totally excited about it, and a little intimidated. After two weeks since our first meeting, I'm feeling in-over-my-head and nothing less than completely lost on some of the current policy on the issue. I don't doubt that I'm not alone in my confusion, but as I'm the person responsible for making complete sense of a 2000 + page piece of legislation, I'm not in a good position. We have our next meeting tomorrow, and I'm expected to provide a chart outlining the differences between new Federal law and existing Colorado law on several specific issues that will take effect on September 23. It's reminiscent of being back in grad school and being completely unprepared for the professor who takes no prisoners. Only this time, it's my salary, my reputation, and my potential future as a free-lance policy analyst at stake. I've been hydrating all day to prepare for the high volume of Rockstar Juiced that will be promptly consumed this evening to assist in the cramming that must occur.

To add to the threat of impending humiliation, my new computer, bought just one (1) week ago, is seemingly infected with about 11 million viruses. Coincidentally, the only operation the computer can successfully complete is to open the HP Website that allows me to purchase and download Virus Protection Software. It struck me as odd that while the desktop was incessantly producing Error Messages warning that a critical virus designed to read every key stroke and steal all passwords was wrecking havoc on my hard drive, the website still provided the option of typing in a credit card number. I've serendipitously been reminded at this moment of the scene from Office Space where the disgruntled employees take a baseball bat to the copy machine. Perhaps a reenactment is in order. I've also been tempted to attempt to determine the the explosive capacity of this particular technology, ala Dave Letterman. The roof-top patio of my apartment building seems a perfect stage for such an experiment.

There are really good things happening right now too though. I'm getting married in 60 days. That's exciting; the getting married part - not so much the wedding part. However, I do have a fabulous dress and, as confirmed just last Thursday, it does, indeed, fit. Jim and I also just started are pre-marriage counseling. It's not the traditional counseling, but, instead, we are participating in "Prayer Therapy." I think we're both really excited about seeing what God does in our lives and our relationship in the next two months. It's already challenging, but I am confident it will significantly prepare us for the new life we'll share together.

So, that's my world today. Hope yours is wonderful.

Out of the Shadows

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me. I'm overwhelmed and generally frustrated with my current circumstances. This is not a new struggle for me. I go through these spells of feeling hopeless about my future.I begin to believe that I should just resign myself to not even trying to accomplish anything. In the past, my strategy for getting myself out of these slumps has been to find an activity or goal I'm excited to do, then start taking steps to accomplish it. This Spring I committed myself to running four exciting races. My training has all but fallen apart, and I can't muster the energy to even care. Perhaps I over-committed and now I'm feeling overwhelmed.

I've recently begun to experience this new affront to my character at work and in my personal activities that has been discouraging as well. My immediate reaction is to get out, get away from these messages that inflict self-doubt. I know I'm a hard worker. I know I have integrity. I know I'm honest and that I genuinely care for people. So how am I being confused as someone who lacks all of these qualities? In the past two months I've been accused of dishonesty, gossip, slander, laziness, irresponsibility, disrespect, and hypocrisy. It's baffling to me, and incredibly frustrating. There are a few steady voices in my life, for whom I am thankful, but when the majority seems to perceive me in such a negative light, it's hard to continue ignoring them. By backing out or stepping away, and I being a coward and failing to defend my character? Is it even worth the energy to try and change their perception of me? My self-confidence is waning.

The biggest disappointment this week has been that Jim and I are postponing our plans to move overseas. He needs to stay where he is for a while longer to complete the school accreditation process. Which means I either 1) begin searching for a new job, or 2) suck it up and stick it out until he's ready to move. Right now the prospect continuing to do what I'm doing now indefinitely is depressing. The idea of beginning a job search in the current economy is also depressing, especially since I don't even know what I'm looking for. I don't want to keep working as a paralegal (being an office peon is not my idea of a good career), and I'm not trained to do much else. I'm a trained thinker; and that doesn't bring in much of a salary without further education.

I always come back to academia. Perhaps it's something I need to actually pursue instead of just mulling it over. After the wedding my living expenses may decrease enough to only work part time. That would open up my schedule for classes. This might be the ray of light I've been needing to get out of this shadow of self-doubt.

Light at the end of the tunnel

As we're planning our wedding, Jim and I have begun to talk more seriously about what we want to do with our life together; where we want to go/live/work, and what we hope to accomplish. The one constant desire (as we're both "ideas" people) is to move overseas. Other than family, friends, and the abundance of biking/hiking trails, there isn't much keeping us in Denver. While those are all very important, the forty plus hours we spend every week being frustrated and beat-down out weigh the short weekends we have to enjoy them. And while neither of us are very interested in having lots of money, there is something to be said for having enough to put a down-payment on a house and pay the bills on time. Neither of us are in the position where there's potential for  upward mobility. 

When I joined the Army almost 6 years ago I saw it as an opportunity to change my circumstances. The possibility of spending time overseas was high at the time and it sated my desire for adventure. I've learned a lot from my experience in the military. In February my original 6-year contract will end and I have to decide whether it will continue to provide opportunities, or inhibit my plans with Jim. As a single woman, it opened up doors of potential. Once Jim and I are married, it makes moving to another country more difficult as I would have an obligation to continue serving two days every month and two weeks every year.

If Jim can land a teaching job overseas, then obviously, I'll go with him. Since there's not much left for us to do here, it might be time to move on to the next chapter. 

I won't be sad to leave my job, but I will miss Denver and all the great friends I've made here. I don't doubt for a second that we'll move back. I'm excited about this new adventure. I've always longed to see more of the world, and I finally have someone to enjoy it with.

Cowards

I work for a group of dishonorable, cowardly men. I know that's the stereotype for most attorneys, and I have to confirm that I have met very few that don't surpass the expectation for corruption that is commonly held. I took the job when I was considering going to law school to become an attorney. I know now that it is a profession fraught with despicable men.

To you attorneys out there who are actually working to improve the state of justice in America and around the world. I applaud you and hope that your practices flourish. For the rest who have hijacked the legal system, holding us all hostage, and contort laws and semantics for personal gain, I hope you reach the end of your life, eating off your silver spoons and realize that your work was wasted. I pity you for investing your short lives in something so ultimately meaningless and destructive. You're no better than a common thief.

The Ultimate Summer Vacation

Day 1: Leave at 5PM and drive to Buena Vista (1.5 hour drive) – arrive by 6:30/7:00 PM

          Camp

Day 2: Climb Mount Antero (~ 5 hours)

           Swim/Fish in Arkansas River

           Leave for Durango (4 hour drive)

           Camp

Day 3: Catch narrow gauge train from Durango at 9:00 AM

           Arrive at Needletop Station at 11:30 AM

           Hike to Chicago Basin (6.5 miles/3 hrs)

           Camp

Day 4:  Climb Sunlight and Windom Peaks (~6 hrs)

           Camp

Day 5: Climb Mount Eolus (~4 hours)

           Hike to Needletop Station to catch train at 3:00 PM (leave before noon)

           Arrive in Durango by 5:00 PM

           Stay in hotel

Day 6: Leave for Mesa Verde (1.5 hour drive)

           Camp

Day 7: Leave for Royal Gorge (6 hour drive) – Park closes at 7:00 PM

           Leave for Home (2.5 hour drive)

Jim gets one week off between terms, and we've never taken full advantage of this break. The summer is too short and Colorado is too big not too spend one week exploring.

Helpless

There is nothing more frustrating than being in the middle of a disaster and being completely helpless to stop it. It would be an understatement to say that I am upset about the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. It makes me physically ill. I have nightmares about it. Maybe I shouldn't let it affect me personally to such an extent, but being affected is appropriate and human. Remaining ignorant and silent on matters such as these is cowardly, to say the least.

We have become way too comfortable in our isolation. We have become weak in our boundless pursuit of individualism. In our shameless pursuit of personal comfort and "happiness" we have become hardened to anything that does not have a direct effect on our personal lives. We may feel a twinge of guilt or pity when we remotely observe disaster, but rarely do we take action to incite change.

America was once known as a revolutionary nation. A nation of pioneers, bound by our common struggle for a place in the world. We have become complacent in our global leadership; cautious, cowardly. We are afraid of making any move that would cause an offense or step on a toe. Hurt feelings will fade, bruised toes will heal. We will never be able to amend for our omission of just and proper action.

We have a responsibility to each other, and to the planet on which we live. In our selfishness we have neglected that responsibility.

In many ways, today, I hope the world ends on December 12, 2012. That may be the only end to the misery we are creating for ourselves.

Taking Action

Last night at family dinner (celebrating Allison's graduation from CU), her boyfriend made the comment that he's tired of "hoping" for things to happen, and wants to start taking action to make things happen. 

I've been struck with this notion lately too. 

Today, I'm taking action. 

The AIR Foundation has been operating without tax exempt status for 3 years. It's time for that to change. A non-profit is absolutely limited in what it can accomplish without 501(c)(3) status. I arranged a meeting with a volunteer who has her MA in Non-Profit Management to help me get this knocked out. I printed out the instructions, completed much of the application, supplemented by writings/narratives completed last summer when we started this process, and began scouring the Colorado Non-Profit Association website for tips and advice.

I've been more than frustrated with my job lately. In the midst of my research, I began casually browsing the job board. About three quarters of the way down the page, I randomly clicked on a entry and read the description. It might as well have my name on it!

Please pray (and hope) for me as I take action to get this job!

The Precipice

"There are dreamers and there are achievers, the difference between the two is action."

I'm struggling lately to remember that I can't control other people's behavior. I have to take action on things I can control myself and not grow frustrated when other people's irresponsibility affects my life. I want to achieve things with my life, not just dream about them. It's tough being at the bottom of the totem pole and those in a higher position aren't taking the necessary action to make progress - then I get stuck.

In pretty much everything I'm doing right now, someone else is making choices that are poor, childish, egotistical and counter-productive, but I can't stop them, and I can't make them act any differently. Even if I thought my opinion mattered, how do I even approach this type of conversation with them? Is it more prudent just to keep my head down, stay out of the way, and hope the demolition ends before everything is in trash heaps? Is it wise for me to stay quiet when I know someone is doing irreparable damage by continuing to conduct business according to their status quo? What's my level of responsibility?

At the beginning of the year, I was so hopeful that 2010 would bring dramatic changes for me. I've been working to that end, but keep hitting road blocks created by other people who claim to be working toward the same end.  I keep trying to remind myself that regardless of in inability to act, God is still sovereign. I may not have control over certain things, but I have to trust that he does, and he is working all things out for his glory and my better good. I never quite see the big picture, but this time I'm trying to step away from the edge, and just keep doing what I can to make progress in the direction I think I'm supposed to go.

On the Mend

This last month I've been joyously and overwhelmingly busy. For a few weeks I was running two or three times a day, four or five days a week. I was in meetings before work, after work, during lunch, and on the weekends. I send out thousands of e-mails every week, reply to at least six dozen requests for information every week, field several phone calls a day, and make at least half-a-dozen calls myself, none of it for my actual bill-paying job.

When I fell last week and busted my knees I had a hard time swallowing the fact that I'll probably be off my legs for two weeks, and certainly not running for maybe three - then I'll have to take it easy after that. Not only does that put my personal training way behind, but my coaching/training with the AIR Foundation Team also has to change.

Usually on Sundays I swim for an hour before my long run with the Team. This week I didn't swim, I didn't run, I drove my car around while the guys ran their longest distance yet (2 hours) and poured cups of water, peeled bananas, and fed them Clif bars. I was happy to be part of the training even though I couldn't run (and, I admit, I wasn't too jealous of them running in the cold, snowy weather while I sat in my heated car and listened to Devotchka and Hello Kavita). I didn't really miss my 5:45 AM runs on Monday and Thursday, and I'm pretty sure I won't be too heartbroken when I sit on a wall and blow a whistle while the team runs laps at City Park tomorrow night. The real beautiful part of being "in recovery" is that for the first time since December, I had a night off last night. I didn't have anywhere to go or anyone to see. I didn't even reply to a single e-mail on my BlackBerry. Instead, I had dinner with the boyfriend and played a sweet game of poker, coming in fourth overall. This morning I slept until 8:30, no breakfast meetings, no e-mail alerts at 7 AM, no phone calls or text messages. I'm not saying that I want this slack in activity to become permanent. It's the fact that I've been so busy that makes these easy weeks so enjoyable.

I do hope that in the coming months I won't have to split my focus so much between job, volunteering, and personal life. I'm still hoping that by July I'll be able to work only part-time with D&D, and be getting something of a paycheck with The AIR Foundation. By October, I hope to be full-time with AIR. Fundraising is still slow, but we're seeing a boom of volunteer activity. I have to believe I'm doing something right. I also have to trust that God is in control of this as well.

Over the last few years here in Colorado I've really struggled with my career path, understanding where I'm supposed to go, what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to utilize my gifts, talents and interests in a meaningful way. I've struggled with major disappointment, mild depression and anxiety, and generally feeling stuck. For the first time since I moved here, I really feel like I've got a good thing going for myself, career wise. While I understand that non-profit work is volatile, especially in this market, I remind myself to "be strong and courageous." I trust that what I'm doing is good and right. It makes me happy, puts me at peace. Looking back, things haven't always (ever) made sense, but my vision is starting to clear a bit and I am beginning to, once again, move with purpose, move forward - well today it's more like a hobble, but it's still forward progress.

Internal Drive

As I mentioned in my 2009 wrap-up post, one aspect of my character that I really want to develop this year is an internal drive to succeed at all costs. What I mean by that is I want to overcome obstacles and challenges to accomplish my goals regardless of how I "feel" about the situation. Today is a perfect example of how not to do this.

I have known ever since college that my typical stress reaction is to ignore the problem until the very last possible second and then rush around to try salvage whatever I can to present something passable. I've always been really good at "winging it" and I don't know if that's an outcome of my coping strategy or an excuse for continuing this behavior. At work I have a project that's been sitting on my desk since September. The deadline is Friday. Well really, the deadline was December 21, but I kept convincing myself that I could make it work with a little less time. Now, here I am hopelessly behind schedule, and I am absolutely paralyzed when it comes to this project. It's become this huge mental block. Ideally I would stop looking at Facebook, replying to e-mails, chit-chatting with co-workers, and doing every other possible thing besides work on this project, and just finish it and get it off my desk. Okay, ideally, I would have finished it two weeks ago and not allowed it to become such a major issue.

The real problem is that this is common practice for me. I used to think that it meant I had a poor work ethic. But when I'm really dedicated to something, I work really hard. I think what I lack here is discipline to complete a job that I don't feel like doing. This gets back to the original point about internal drive. I need someone pushing me along, checking in on me, keeping me accountable. It's a fairly immature way to operate and I won't stay in any job long if I require so much supervision. I've faked it long enough. I don't think I can continue to pretend I'm working when I'm really not. I'll get caught sometime. That's not succeeding at all, let alone at all costs.

So here I am, huge project in front of, testing my new year's resolution already. I always say that I have to make the choice everyday to be more like the person I want to be. This is my choice today. It might be too late already; I have to try to succeed at all costs.

But first I will have lunch . . .