Inertia

(in-ur-shuh) - noun: the property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force.

I'm realizing lately how difficult it is to change the trajectory of my thoughts without applying adequate force. For not having physical matter, thoughts in motion certainly remain in motion.
On days when things just seem to go all wrong it's hard to get out of the trenches, take a step back, breathe, and apply some external force to shift the straight line my thoughts have taken.
If I want to change the way I think and interact with the world around me, I have to set the intention to perceive it in a positive way. Perhaps not always in a positive (upbeat/cheerful/happy) way, but in a way that serves me, teaches me. When I come across a thought or attitude that doesn't serve me in the here and now, I have to acknowledge it, not castigate myself for it, but then apply some force to shift the line.

It all comes down to grounding myself, knowing where I want to go (the trajectory on which I want to be), and making necessary adjustments. So when I start to let my mind wander I and begin to sink into a funk, I'm trying to stop, breathe, remember where I want to be going, give myself some grace, and make an adjustment.

Part of my struggle has been figuring out what I want/where I want to end up. While I may not have a twenty-year plan on paper, I know I want specific attributes, certain things to be true about me. If I work on that, focus on developing qualities that I value, that's much more important than trying to get somewhere specific.

Thanks for Reading

I received an e-mail today about this blog from someone I respect. I was rather surprised to hear from him, but his message came through loud and clear: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize how much you have!" I wanted to post a few excerpts from his e-mail because it was exactly what I needed to hear. Of course I appreciate the affirmation, but coming from someone like him, it really means a lot.

"Not to sound mean, but huh? I got to be honest with you. Why the hell are you feeling sorry for yourself? Tough time (with your) job? Perhaps because you are over qualified for most, if not all?"

"What is the case with this "trying to find someone?" Have you noticed guys are a little intimidated around you? Why do you think? Smart and beautiful? You think guys might be kind of scared about making the first move? I would pretty much guarantee it. That is what guys are scared of right off the bat. You need to be the one who starts things off....at least most of the time."

I think it is time I changed my tune. I usually write when I'm feeling down on myself, but that's become too frequent. I waste a lot of energy with "oh woe is me," garbage and I need to spend more time enjoying and appreciating what I have. It's funny, I've been listening to the new Portishead album a lot lately, and just yesterday I noticed that almost EVERY song is self-pitying. It irritated me - and that's what I've been doing here.

I've mentioned recently how I'm trying to take more risks, be more bold, specifically in regards to interaction with men. Honestly, it's been about finding ways to get more attention. I think what I really need to focus on is using my new found confidence to figure out what I want, and how I can get what I want - making me happy rather than trying to figure out how to make someone else happy with me.
I've wasted too much time and energy attempting to make certain people think and feel certain things about me, while I should have been more assertive about who I am.

So I'm trying to focus on the positive things in my life, get over myself, stop creating my own melodrama and just enjoy life a little bit.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the feedback. I need that voice of reason to speak out among all the craziness in my head!

Dawn

I'm reaching the upper limits of my stress and frustration levels today.

I couldn't sleep last night. I just started staying at my new apartment. I finished my house-sitting gig in LoDo (Lower Downtown for you non-Denverites) and am now adjusting life in Cap Hill (Capital Hill). Every noise is a new sound, the apartment smells different, feels different, looks different. Even though it has all my stuff in it, it just doesn't feel like MY place yet. I know that will happen - probably in a matter of days - but for now, sleeping has become a chore. If you know me, you know I am a good sleeper. It's one thing I do really well. I can sleep just about anywhere - cars, planes, trains, couches, floors, tents, benches, movie theatres, you name it, I've slept there. And I sleep like a log. I mean, I've slept through heavy arms and simulated mortar fire. So for me, NOT sleeping is a huge indicator that something is wrong in my world. Plus, I am much less capable of dealing with all the little daily crises.

For example, I've been on and off the phone for the last three hours with two different systems to try and get one document filed in the Denver County Court System. I was given the impression (three weeks ago) that it was a very simple process of taking the document to the Court, putting it on their desk, handing them a check and getting them to put their stamp on it. So I take my happy little self down to the Court only to find out that it will only be accepted through their electronic filing system online. Then it will take a few days before they notify me to bring in the original document for the required stamp. So now I still have the original document with no stamp, and I'm less than a week from the deadline with at least half a dozen steps to follow. It turns out that the hold up is a simple error in the attorney's name that prevents me from being able to file the documents under the appropriate case number. Silly me, I was spelling his name correctly! In order to correct this mistake, there has to be a written request sent to the Court. Of course, the Court then notifies me that it's a problem with the online service provider, and they can't make any changes because of the way the attorney is registered with the State Bar Association. The online service provider tells me I have to request that the Court make the changes and it will automatically update in their system. The Bar Association will only deal with the number associated with the attorney, not their actual name. One of my co-workers asked me, "on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning you could take a nap ('ha ha') and 10 meaning you want to pull your hair out by the roots, what level of frustration are you at?" I think I'm at about a 25. When I finally got through the long-hold and voice activated Customer (dis)Service phone line to an actual person I was so sickly sweet he had to sense the sarcasm. I'm passive-agressive when I'm tired. When the clerk at the Court told me for the third time that the speed at which they process my file will "depend on how busy" they are, I thanked her profusely for all her help in my best (and loudest) "thanks for nothing" tone. It's been downhill ever since.

So my day has become much like my night: tossing and turning until I can reasonably quit trying.

Lost?

I'm feeling rather lost today. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I know that I've been trying to put things into this void that don't really fit. It's like searching for a missing puzzle piece but I don't even know if it actually fits in the puzzle I'm working on. Discomforting.

I got into this emotional funk last night and woke up this morning even more confused, more frustrated. I went on a third date with this guy (from the bar) last night, and I think the novelty has worn off; now I'm bored. There just wasn't anything interesting about him anymore. I felt so guilty walking away thinking "I hope he doesn't call me." He was a good distraction for a couple weeks from what's really eating me, but now I'm searching again.

I had a really enlightening weekend in Colorado Springs. I traveled to Fort Carson with my Reserve Unit for out annual Weapons Qualification. A few of us, including one of my favorite girl friends, went down early to put everything in order before the main body arrived on Friday night. We had some free time and made the most of it. She's a good person for me to learn from, and I think she benefits from our friendship in a similar way. I'm a good conversationalist, she's a good flirt. I'm good at eye contact, she's good at physical contact. We cause our fair share of trouble. I'm really trying to take this new-found confidence out for a spin; talk to more people, try new things. I think of it as making the most out of a bad situation. Still, it's an emotional battle and just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. I'm gaining some good new insights into myself.

I think the weekend I have planned should provide adequate temporary relief: Rockies game tomorrow night, friend in town on Friday night, Mile High Music Festival Saturday and Sunday. A few more good distractions.

Letting Go or The Strange Path to Peace and Happiness

Some interesting developments in the last couple weeks. I'm constantly amazed at how loss can lead to finding new and wonderful things that I never would have found otherwise.

About two weeks I had the rug pulled out from under me. I had been operating under a misconception for quite a while and upon learning just how wrong I was, I was (needless to say) disappointed. Not just disappointed, but deeply hurt. I felt mislead, manipulated, betrayed, etc by someone I trusted. My immediate reaction was to feel sorry for myself and feel foolish. After about 20 minutes of that (while shopping) I decided what I really needed was a night out with one of my girl friends so we could rant and rave about our favorite/least favorite members of the opposite sex. This friend and I have a certain proclivity for getting into trouble - not trouble in a bad way, but in a "you-never-know-what-will-happen" way. So we got dolled up and hit the town. This funny thing happened to me. I'm usually very aloof at bars. I have a hard time meeting guys because I don't want to mislead or give a wrong impression about the kind of woman I am. I threw all that out the window, talked to almost every guy who caught my eye, danced, took compliments, flirted and just had fun. It felt good. Then a really funny thing happened. I met someone. Someone interesting and smart. I did the unprecedented thing of giving him my real phone number. And he called me. We went out to dinner (twice now). And he's still calling me. I'm not sure why I'm so surprised by it, but he actually wants to spend time with me. I don't even have to beg.

So I'm learning, yet again, that major disappointment can put me in the right place after all. If I hadn't gone out that night with the intention of making some trouble, I probably wouldn't have met anyone. I'm not saying this guy is "the one" or anything crazy like that. But I'm being reminded that I'm someone worth taking out, investing time in, being with.

Oh, yeah, I painted my apartment, bought a dining room table and chairs, found a futon/couch, and am getting settled into MY apartment (before and after pics to be posted soon as promised). I'm in a really good place. This time, I can actually enjoy it, I don't have anything left to let me down.

My Turn

I've been thinking lately about why I allow other people to dictate so much of my life. I rarely make completely independent decisions. I consider all the things that other people recommend or prefer before I make decisions. I've always just chalked it up as part of my easy-going nature. But I'm beginning to think that being so easy-going and amenable to what other people want is detrimental to my own well being. Usually I let other people take the reins because I just want them to enjoy themselves, and I am easily happy in most circumstances. This is starting to take a toll on me.

One of my famous quotes during AIT was "I just want to do what I want to do." We were able to go off post every weekend. Usually we just got hotel rooms, drank, went to the movies, shopped, etc. It was fun, but someone always ended up drinking too much, getting in a fight, getting kicked out of a hotel room, etc. And who do you think was there to try and hold everything together, keep people out of trouble, smooth over arguments? I felt so responsible for my friends and making sure that they had fun I hardly had time to relzx myself. I got so fed up with being the caretaker and peacekeeper that every weekend I would swear that I was going to "do what I want to do." It became a running joke because I never just did what I wanted to do.

So this morning I was thinking about this problem I have. My sister, calls it Co-dependency. I'm determined to, at least today, make my choices, be a little selfish, admit what I want and accept those things, work for them.

The other part of my problem is that when someone wrongs me, I immediately determine what I did wrong to make them hurt me, or what I did to misunderstand or misinterpret their actions as hurtful and assume that they really had no malintent. Why can't I just accept that people do mean, selfish things to me, be angry about it, let the blame settle on them, forgive them, and move on? It seems better, nicer maybe, to blame myself, be angry with myself, and let them be. I've spent years kicking myself for wrongs others have committed against me.

The funny thing is, this is my horoscope for today:

"Are your friends getting too involved in your plans for the day? If you let everyone put in their two cents about everything, you'll never get anywhere! It's time to stop being such a good listener and start being more independent in how you go about things. Instead of getting everyone's input on what the right plan is, just go off and do what you think will work best. If you're wrong, who cares? You'll learn something, and show folks that you can think for yourself."

I love it when I seem to be in line with the Universe.

Destiny?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the different aspects of destiny or fate lately. I grew up learning that God is in control, He is sovereign, He has a plan for my life, etc., etc. All of which I’ve accepted whole-heartedly. It’s much easier to go about trusting that the universe is not spinning off its axis when crises hit, and I think I’m a stronger, more well-balanced person because I can take things in stride. I’m not really questioning this now, but what I am concerned with are two elements that are wrapped into this concept: whether things are “meant to be,” and whether I can be a victim of “bad timing.”

The whole issue of God’s will has seemed so rigid. When I’m not doing what God wants for me, I might as well be throwing my life down the drain. Lately I’m beginning to believe that there’s more flexibility in that. Perhaps what’s “meant to be” is more of a general purpose for my life, rather than daily rituals or simple choices. I truly believe in living as God intends – loving people, being kind, forgiving, being generous, being honest, living with integrity, reflecting His attributes. But all the in between stuff, like whether to rent this apartment or that one, or whether to date this person or that one, or whether or not to get a dog, I think those choices are truly mine to make. I want to live wisely, and I want to be ready and obedient to God’s direction in my life. The whole concept of “meant to be” bothers me because it limits my sense of free will. When I hear, “it’s just not meant to be,” or “it will work out if it’s meant to be,” I think it’s a cop out. It’s relinquishing control or giving up on something I just don’t want to deal with. Instead of taking responsibility and working for something, I blame the stars and wipe my hands of it.

I have the same reaction when I hear, “it’s just bad timing,” or “it will happen when the timing’s right.” I have certainly learned the importance of waiting for good things – or waiting out the disappointment for the good stuff to happen. I had a conversation the other night with a good friend about how if we had known each other the way we do now six or seven years ago, things between us would be different. He resigned that now it was too late. I think that’s fairly narrow-minded to think that simply because things don’t happen when they’re convenient, it’s a case of bad timing and thus all is lost. I think that so much of life is making our own timing. Granted, opportunities come and go, outside of my control, and I have to be able to recognize one when I see it, and take the chance to grab it. But if I don’t make things happen for myself, I’ll never get anywhere. So, I say to my friend, maybe our timing is yet to come – don’t rule it out yet simply because it’s not convenient right now. Maybe I’m overly optimistic, but that’s me – hope springs eternal.

I think one of the best decisions I made this past year was to quit working full-time at P.F. Changs. I didn’t have another job, but I cut back to one night a week, and began my search. I knew it wasn’t a good situation for me anymore – I was miserable. If I had waited until I found the perfect job before I left, I would still be there, hating my life. Maybe the timing wasn’t perfect, but I made a decision to do something. And it’s worked out beautifully.

Same thing with the State Department job; perhaps the timing wasn’t right for me to start a career in international diplomacy. But I’ve done everything I can to try and make it happen. I’ll never wonder if I could have or should have done more. It all fell so beautifully in to place in the beginning for it to fall devastatingly apart, but I didn’t give up. I made choices anticipating that it was going to work out, which all led me to where I am now. This aspect of God’s plan/fate/destiny I don’t doubt. And I know that by acting on faith, instead of simply sitting on my thumbs, waiting for “the plan” to drop into my lap, I’m living God’s will.

Perhaps things are or aren’t “meant to be,” and maybe I can be a victim of “bad timing.” But I refuse to believe that there’s nothing I can do about that.

Either Way

I had a lovely conversation with a good friend from the past last night. It was great to catch up and reconnect. I always find it interesting how people manage to find their ways back into each others’ lives at certain points in time. The phone call last night was so perfectly timed, I had to count it as a blessing.

Sometimes I want to hit the self-destruct button. I find myself losing hope for no good reason, and I just want to cut my losses and get out.

Things have been going so well for me lately. But I can’t relax and enjoy it. I went five nights in a row with less than two hours of sleep last week. No matter how exhausted I felt, I couldn’t fall asleep. If I finally did fall asleep, I would wake up by three o’clock, on the dot, my mind racing. I tried sleeping on the couch, reading, taking a walk, yoga, everything. I thought maybe it was just my body getting used to all the changes: new job, different living arrangements, different time schedule, etc. But usually this manifests itself in other ways, not my ability to sleep.

As I was talking to Chris last night I mentioned that I’m waiting for the shoe to drop. After my “Year of Disappointment,” it’s unsettling for things to be so right. Anytime I get a hold of something pretty, it slips away. So I’m waiting, anticipating, agonizing over the impending loss.

He’s not in a very enviable situation right now. But he’s hopeful, encouraging. What I appreciated about our conversation, what I appreciate about his friendship, is that we both seem to understand that there’s a plan.

Maybe the sun will shine today, I’ll understand, either way.

My Palace

I signed a lease on Saturday for my very own apartment. It's less than a mile from work, a block from Whole Foods, and it's all mine. I have big plans for my tiny space, so keep an eye out for before and after pics in the coming weeks. Of course, there will be a house warming so I can show it off when it's all finished!

I already have my first confirmed house guest for the summer! So if you're going to be in Denver and you need a place to stay, make your reservations now ;)

Lead with the Heart

At what point do we learn that love is something dangerous, serious, something to be feared?

Sunday is my yoga day. You know by now how important this practice has become to me lately. After missing nearly two weeks of consistent practice and training I became this bottle of negative emotion. In spite of the fact that everything seems to be falling into place for the first time in my adult life I was angry, resentful, irritable. I made any mishap or misunderstanding an excuse to feel bitter toward someone. That's not me. That's not how I want to live my life. Finally, on Thursday, I returned to the mat for a less-than-inspiring yoga class. But the difference of just going through the motions and focusing in on my breath, my body, letting my mind and heart go; on Friday, I was a new woman. I briefly realized how detrimental it is not to allow myself the time I need to balance and be introspective.

I spend a lot of time in my head, but not often in a very productive way. I get caught up in the what-ifs and what-nots and let the stress seep in.

This morning's yoga class was quite a blessing. Allison always chooses a theme on Sunday mornings. Today was "stress." So we spent the first few minutes of class talking about focusing on what I need to do in the here and now to make something work - not letting all the next steps and concerns about the final outcome overwhelm me. I set my intention for the day (another powerful tool I'm learning - but deserves a discussion all its own) - I wanted to feel quiet strength. Whenever I felt myself getting discouraged or my body giving in, I reminded myself to quiet down, relax, and be strong in the moment. The key to maintaining most of the poses is leading with the heart. Pushing it through and opening it, putting the rest of the body in balance, in place.

After yoga on Sundays I always refresh myself with some quiet time. A few weeks ago it was as simple as walking home from class and I had a realization that God is constantly uttering love to me. It's everywhere.

I want to digress for a moment, just to make a point. A couple weeks ago my brother and one of his friends spent a week backpacking in Utah. As you can imagine, I was sick with envy. They had a wonderful time and returned feeling rejuvenated and thoroughly blessed. My brother shared a story where he had broken his sunglasses and within half an hour found a new pair of sunglasses on the ground, in perfect condition, like they had been placed there just for him. They hiked along, looking for an owner but never found anyone sans-sunglasses. So Philip took it as a gift. The point is, when you are looking for blessings in everything, everything becomes a blessing.

So I ventured up into the foothills this afternoon to clear my head and receive any blessings I could find. At the start of my hike I was frustrated by this question of why are people so resistant of love? It struck me, God must feel deeply frustrated by my resistance of His great love for me. And infinitely more frustrated than I can feel because He has infinitely more love to give, and a love much deeper, richer, more powerful. So I set my intention for my afternoon, to simply receive God's love, accept His blessings. I took every plant, tree, fly, grasshopper, flower, stone, breeze as an expression of love. I soaked it in, let it wash over me. When I reached the pinnacle of my hike, overlooking the continental divide, I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed, but not satisfied. I wanted more. I wanted to touch those mountains, experience them deeper, I wanted to consume and be consumed by all that was around me. So I lingered as long as I could, relishing the beauty of the day.

When I emerged from the woods and hopped back in my car to head to work I returned to my orginal question of why people are so resistant toward love? When did it become scary? Somewhere along our journey our broken, abused hearts forget the most natural and basic of exchanges: the giving and receiving of love. So how do I lead with the heart to maintain stability and balance? How can I allow myself to be open to giving and receiving love in spite of the fact that my heart doesn't even function that way anymore? The only answer I can find is that it starts with letting those little everywhere blessings fill my heart and put life into it again.

Then the next step then, is making those blessings real to the people I come in contact with. Talk about setting an intention!

Team Denver Marathon

I joined a new running/training group and we had our first run this morning. I think I'm really going to like it. A far cry from my last training experience, it was really organized, professional, structured. While my Team in Training group was great, I don't think I really learned much about how to train for and run a marathon.

I was very impressed with the coaches (professional fitness trainers)and the support staff (a nutritionist, massage therapist, sports physician, and physical therapists). The range of runners varies, but they assigned us to pace groups, with a specific coach for each group. There are 13 other sub-9 min/mile runners - so, in one day I have 12 new running partners. Most of us are there to be social as much as we are to train. Or maybe I just found all the other people there to socialize. Either way, people were friendly and the run was an all around pleasant experience.

Now I'm even more excited about running my second marathon October 19. And no worries - I won't be asking anyone for donations. I may beg you to be part of my personal fan club as spectators or water station volunteers!

Cath. . .

I'm terrified of reaching a point in my life where I have to settle for something less than what I really want because I believe all my options have been lost.

How do you maintain hope in the face of devastating loss and seemingly endless darkness?

I like to believe that I am a fighter. I keep faith in the things I think I deserve, and the things I know I want. But what about all those elements that are so far outside my control but deeply effect my life? I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness; when it feels like there isn't any point in continuing on a certain path because all sight of a happy ending is lost. I also know those fleeting times of perfect bliss, when I can almost taste the culmination of my efforts.

I want so much out of life. Sometimes I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and all my moments of perfection are gone in a whisper. I get so frustrated and discouraged by the temporal nature of happiness. Don't get me wrong, things are so good for me right now that I feel guilty even thinking about this.

I think what's eating me, in spite of all the goodness in my life, is that I want to know that I'm living my OWN dreams. I'm terrified of closing the door on so many things that would have brought me joy by pursuing something not meant for me.

I'm just going to lay it all out there. . .I think I'm falling in love. I want so badly for it to be right, because he's too important for it to be wrong.

Videotape

Today was a most perfect day.

First of all, my first full-time day was great. It feels so good to have an "adult" job with benefits and a retirement fund. I start my paralegal training tomorrow. Another element on my diverse resume.

Second, I'm spending my first night in the loft downtown. I'm totally smitten with this place. I'm already planning future dinner parties.

Third, and best of all, I finally, finally, finally, after a year of waiting, received my reimbursement check for the medical expenses I accumulated obtaining a clearance for the State Department. Hooray!

I really felt the need to document the perfection of this day, in spite of the abundance of energy I have.

Only one thing could make this day even more perfect. . .

To Good for Words

I'm indescribably happy right now.

I ran my first marathon this weekend in San Diego. I didn't run as fast as I had hoped, but I finished, and that's the important part. Even more though, it was a fantastic experience and I will be so much better prepared when I run the Denver Marathon in October. I know how to train, how to eat, sleep, drink, etc. It was a great learning experience. I think I finally found an athletic event that I enjoy and that I'm actually quite good at. You can see me cross the finish line at the local NBC website:

http://video.nbcsandiego.com/player/?id=257842

I'm not very visible, but when the clock reads 4:39:32 you can catch a glimpse of me on the far left-hand side walking off camera. I'm wearing an orange hat, purple singlet, and dark shorts with a white stripe down the side. More photos to come . . .

After the race I spent 2 1/2 amazing days in Los Angeles with a special someone. Also, a great experience. No video links available - sorry folks.

Tomorrow I start working as a full-time employee at Dill and Dill. I'm a bit nervous, actually. I've been there since January, but something about being there all day, learning a new set of skills, and actually having an "adult" job brings butterflies to my stomach.

Also tomorrow, I take up temporary residence at a loft downtown. I'll be housesitting until mid-July at a fantastic little place in the heart of Denver. I am SO EXCITED about it.

So, yeah, life is good right now. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Look Out San Diego Here I Come!

I leave today for my marathon weekend in San Diego. You can keep up with me on the race website: www.rnrmarathon.com. They'll post Live Results as I pass certain mile stones!

Thanks to everyone who contributed, both financially and emotionally. I wouldn't be going if it weren't for you!

Keep an eye out for a post-race report with pictures.

Bolder Boulder

I joined 53,000 runners in the largest timed footrace in the US this morning. It was so fun. A great race experience before I run the marathon on Sunday. I paced myself well, never got out of breath, hydrated methodically. I feel really prepared for San Diego.

http://raceday.onlineraceresults.com/individual.php?bib=HD306

It was also really fun to see so many Boulderites up and at it so early to support their friends and neighbors in the run. Thanks Boulder for hosting such a fantastic event! Oh, and the goody bags were like opening Christmas presents - I even got an orange in the bottom of my "stocking."

Post Number 100

Good news at a small milestone:

1) Yesterday I was offered a full-time permanent position at the law firm where I've been working as a part-time temp since December. I start June 5.

2) June 7, I'll be moving out of my parents' house to stay in a loft downtown (rent free!). It's only for 6 weeks, but I hope by the end of that time to have found my very own apartment.

3) This time next week I'll be in San Diego preparing to run the Rock n' Roll Marathon and making up for lost time with an old friend.

4) Thanks to Whitney (the best friend ever), I won't even have to shell out my entire life's savings to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to meet the fundraising goal and actually get to the race I've been training for since February.

Good things are happening! It's really hard to use words to express the level of elation I'm experiencing right now.

Questions

I had an unusual experience the other day at the grocery store.

As I was waiting in line to check out the cashier was chatting quite passionately with the couple in front of me about Star Wars and something about the balance of power within the Force. I rolled my eyes and picked up the latest Vogue - apparently I would be waiting a while to pay for my few items. When the cashier finished his conversation and the couple left, he greeted me: "Hello, did you find everything you were looking for today?"
"Yes, thank you," I replied curtly.
"Would you like your questions today?"
"My questions?" I asked. "You mean that you ask me questions?"
"Exactly."
"Uh, okay, sure."
Then he launched into a series of questions reminiscent of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" novel: "underwater or outerspace?"
"Underwater," I answered quickly, remembering the Star Wars conversation that occured not so long ago in a galaxy just like ours.
"Whales or Sharks?"
"Whales."
"Blue Wales or Sperm Wales?"
"Blue Wales."
"The Mariana Trench or the Puerto Rico Trench?"
"Uh, I don't really know much about those," I responded warily.
"Okay, History or Science?" he continued undaunted. (By this time my groceries had been scanned, weighed, bagged and paid for).
"History."
"Ancient or Medieval?"
"Ancient."
"Egyptian or Greek?"
"Greek."
"Would you rather be a new-born baby or an elderly person?"
"Uh, I guess an elderly person."
"Why?"
"I think elderly people were more respected in Ancient Greek culture than infants were."
"So you would choose your destiny based on what other people think of you?"
"Wait, what? No, I just think that once you've had so many experiences, you can really be happy, you have more control over how you live." I smiled, satisfied with my spontaneous burst of articulation.
"Do you know a lot of happy old people?"
"No, I know a lot of grumpy old people."
"Why do you think that's the case?"
"I think they probably feel like they don't get the respect they deserve."
"Okay, have a nice day!" He excused me with a nod.

I was at the gym the other day and I noticed an elderly couple moving slowly up and down a set of stairs. The gentleman had a walker at the bottom of the steps and his wife held one arm while he supported himself on the rail with his other arm. After one assencion and decension they moved ever so slowly to the rowing machine where the woman helped her feeble husband lower himself onto the seat and complete several repetitions. Watching them reaffirmed my answer to the clerk at the grocery store. I would rather be an old lady helping my life partner complete an exercise routine than a crying infant any day.

Don't Tell Me

I really hate it when people tell me I can't do something. My response is usually not "I'll show them," and go out and do it. My response has always been one of defeat, one of "they're probably right, I'm terrible at that." But lately I let people know that they're wrong - maybe not wrong about my ability, but wrong to discourage me in such a manner. I will determine what I can and cannot do, what I am good at, and what I am not so good at. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I will embrace my talents and improve my flaws.

Running Woman

In less than two weeks I'll be running the Rock n Roll Marathon in San Diego. While I'm thrilled to be competing in an elite event, there are so many remaining obstacles. I really just want to run a good race (in four hours or less). Right now, getting there is the hardest part.


 

I finished the Platte River Half-Marathon about two months ago with a group of women I've been training with.