Cath. . .

I'm terrified of reaching a point in my life where I have to settle for something less than what I really want because I believe all my options have been lost.

How do you maintain hope in the face of devastating loss and seemingly endless darkness?

I like to believe that I am a fighter. I keep faith in the things I think I deserve, and the things I know I want. But what about all those elements that are so far outside my control but deeply effect my life? I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness; when it feels like there isn't any point in continuing on a certain path because all sight of a happy ending is lost. I also know those fleeting times of perfect bliss, when I can almost taste the culmination of my efforts.

I want so much out of life. Sometimes I feel like time is slipping through my fingers and all my moments of perfection are gone in a whisper. I get so frustrated and discouraged by the temporal nature of happiness. Don't get me wrong, things are so good for me right now that I feel guilty even thinking about this.

I think what's eating me, in spite of all the goodness in my life, is that I want to know that I'm living my OWN dreams. I'm terrified of closing the door on so many things that would have brought me joy by pursuing something not meant for me.

I'm just going to lay it all out there. . .I think I'm falling in love. I want so badly for it to be right, because he's too important for it to be wrong.

Videotape

Today was a most perfect day.

First of all, my first full-time day was great. It feels so good to have an "adult" job with benefits and a retirement fund. I start my paralegal training tomorrow. Another element on my diverse resume.

Second, I'm spending my first night in the loft downtown. I'm totally smitten with this place. I'm already planning future dinner parties.

Third, and best of all, I finally, finally, finally, after a year of waiting, received my reimbursement check for the medical expenses I accumulated obtaining a clearance for the State Department. Hooray!

I really felt the need to document the perfection of this day, in spite of the abundance of energy I have.

Only one thing could make this day even more perfect. . .

To Good for Words

I'm indescribably happy right now.

I ran my first marathon this weekend in San Diego. I didn't run as fast as I had hoped, but I finished, and that's the important part. Even more though, it was a fantastic experience and I will be so much better prepared when I run the Denver Marathon in October. I know how to train, how to eat, sleep, drink, etc. It was a great learning experience. I think I finally found an athletic event that I enjoy and that I'm actually quite good at. You can see me cross the finish line at the local NBC website:

http://video.nbcsandiego.com/player/?id=257842

I'm not very visible, but when the clock reads 4:39:32 you can catch a glimpse of me on the far left-hand side walking off camera. I'm wearing an orange hat, purple singlet, and dark shorts with a white stripe down the side. More photos to come . . .

After the race I spent 2 1/2 amazing days in Los Angeles with a special someone. Also, a great experience. No video links available - sorry folks.

Tomorrow I start working as a full-time employee at Dill and Dill. I'm a bit nervous, actually. I've been there since January, but something about being there all day, learning a new set of skills, and actually having an "adult" job brings butterflies to my stomach.

Also tomorrow, I take up temporary residence at a loft downtown. I'll be housesitting until mid-July at a fantastic little place in the heart of Denver. I am SO EXCITED about it.

So, yeah, life is good right now. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Look Out San Diego Here I Come!

I leave today for my marathon weekend in San Diego. You can keep up with me on the race website: www.rnrmarathon.com. They'll post Live Results as I pass certain mile stones!

Thanks to everyone who contributed, both financially and emotionally. I wouldn't be going if it weren't for you!

Keep an eye out for a post-race report with pictures.

Bolder Boulder

I joined 53,000 runners in the largest timed footrace in the US this morning. It was so fun. A great race experience before I run the marathon on Sunday. I paced myself well, never got out of breath, hydrated methodically. I feel really prepared for San Diego.

http://raceday.onlineraceresults.com/individual.php?bib=HD306

It was also really fun to see so many Boulderites up and at it so early to support their friends and neighbors in the run. Thanks Boulder for hosting such a fantastic event! Oh, and the goody bags were like opening Christmas presents - I even got an orange in the bottom of my "stocking."

Post Number 100

Good news at a small milestone:

1) Yesterday I was offered a full-time permanent position at the law firm where I've been working as a part-time temp since December. I start June 5.

2) June 7, I'll be moving out of my parents' house to stay in a loft downtown (rent free!). It's only for 6 weeks, but I hope by the end of that time to have found my very own apartment.

3) This time next week I'll be in San Diego preparing to run the Rock n' Roll Marathon and making up for lost time with an old friend.

4) Thanks to Whitney (the best friend ever), I won't even have to shell out my entire life's savings to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society to meet the fundraising goal and actually get to the race I've been training for since February.

Good things are happening! It's really hard to use words to express the level of elation I'm experiencing right now.

Questions

I had an unusual experience the other day at the grocery store.

As I was waiting in line to check out the cashier was chatting quite passionately with the couple in front of me about Star Wars and something about the balance of power within the Force. I rolled my eyes and picked up the latest Vogue - apparently I would be waiting a while to pay for my few items. When the cashier finished his conversation and the couple left, he greeted me: "Hello, did you find everything you were looking for today?"
"Yes, thank you," I replied curtly.
"Would you like your questions today?"
"My questions?" I asked. "You mean that you ask me questions?"
"Exactly."
"Uh, okay, sure."
Then he launched into a series of questions reminiscent of a "Choose Your Own Adventure" novel: "underwater or outerspace?"
"Underwater," I answered quickly, remembering the Star Wars conversation that occured not so long ago in a galaxy just like ours.
"Whales or Sharks?"
"Whales."
"Blue Wales or Sperm Wales?"
"Blue Wales."
"The Mariana Trench or the Puerto Rico Trench?"
"Uh, I don't really know much about those," I responded warily.
"Okay, History or Science?" he continued undaunted. (By this time my groceries had been scanned, weighed, bagged and paid for).
"History."
"Ancient or Medieval?"
"Ancient."
"Egyptian or Greek?"
"Greek."
"Would you rather be a new-born baby or an elderly person?"
"Uh, I guess an elderly person."
"Why?"
"I think elderly people were more respected in Ancient Greek culture than infants were."
"So you would choose your destiny based on what other people think of you?"
"Wait, what? No, I just think that once you've had so many experiences, you can really be happy, you have more control over how you live." I smiled, satisfied with my spontaneous burst of articulation.
"Do you know a lot of happy old people?"
"No, I know a lot of grumpy old people."
"Why do you think that's the case?"
"I think they probably feel like they don't get the respect they deserve."
"Okay, have a nice day!" He excused me with a nod.

I was at the gym the other day and I noticed an elderly couple moving slowly up and down a set of stairs. The gentleman had a walker at the bottom of the steps and his wife held one arm while he supported himself on the rail with his other arm. After one assencion and decension they moved ever so slowly to the rowing machine where the woman helped her feeble husband lower himself onto the seat and complete several repetitions. Watching them reaffirmed my answer to the clerk at the grocery store. I would rather be an old lady helping my life partner complete an exercise routine than a crying infant any day.

Don't Tell Me

I really hate it when people tell me I can't do something. My response is usually not "I'll show them," and go out and do it. My response has always been one of defeat, one of "they're probably right, I'm terrible at that." But lately I let people know that they're wrong - maybe not wrong about my ability, but wrong to discourage me in such a manner. I will determine what I can and cannot do, what I am good at, and what I am not so good at. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and I will embrace my talents and improve my flaws.

Running Woman

In less than two weeks I'll be running the Rock n Roll Marathon in San Diego. While I'm thrilled to be competing in an elite event, there are so many remaining obstacles. I really just want to run a good race (in four hours or less). Right now, getting there is the hardest part.


 

I finished the Platte River Half-Marathon about two months ago with a group of women I've been training with.

Semi-deep Thoughts and Dirty Little Secrets

If you know me very well, or if all you know of me is from reading this blog, you have probably figured out that I am a bit of a mystic. I believe that God communicates to us in many different ways; through orchestrated circumstances, a chance encounter, a timely rainbow, an insightful conversation, and as I've experienced lately, through yoga. In a nutshell, I believe that all truth comes from God and He communicates that to us in the most effective, personal way.

I've been taking yoga classes fairly regularly now for the last couple months and the results have been great - not what I expected, but good nonetheless. I haven't gotten the Jennifer Aniston body, but I have limbered up a bit, gained some strength and learned a few things.

On Sundays the instructor sets a theme or an intention for our 90 minute session. It's become a more spiritually invigorating practice than church has been lately. I was actually very overwhelmed as I walked home after class yesterday. I've been thinking a lot how we know God's will and how I find truth, how I know and understand God and His plan for me. The struggle for me in this is that I've been taught that knowing God is a rules-based relationship; a list of dos and don'ts. There have been times when I've felt close to God but it always had something to do with me believing that I was following the rules and thus was allowed to enjoy God's presence. I get so weary of always trying to do what I'm supposed to do and I allow myself little room for error. My brother commented the other day that I give him such a hard time because I have such high expectations for myself. That's a whole other conversation though. But I do set really high goals, try hard for a while to accomplish them, and when I don't see the expected results within a month or two, I give up. Then once I've had time to recover and I'll give it another shot. On either side I go all out. When I'm committed, I'm all the way there. When I'm not, I'm really not, verging on self-destructive. To get back to the point, I'm tired of thinking of my relationship with God in terms of following a set of rules and performing specific duties, then feeling guilty and giving up when I slip up.

So I was thinking about it as I walked home yesterday and I was overwhelmed by the understanding that God communicates love to me in a very personal way. It was a gorgeous day, the sun was shining on my face, the breeze played with my hair and cooled my skin, birds sung among the rustling leaves around me. It was almost like a love song written to me; I accepted and enjoyed it.

I think a few years ago I would have cringed at this discussion because I was so concerned with what I assumed to be right, with what other Christians perceived as right. I shyed away from yoga classes, and more generally a relative view of religion, because I thought it might expose me to some dangerous Eastern religious philosophy that would inhibit my ability to know God and Truth. More than that, I think I was scared that my religious friends would chastise that behavior. I was curious though and needed some help loosening up (physically and emotionally) So instead, I bought a Yoga DVD and did it at home, alone, and hid it when I was done. It was my little secret. In fact I have many of these secret behaviors that are quite harmless, but I hide them anyway. For example, I have no idea why I impulsively lie about cutting or coloring my hair. I'll change something about my appearance, someone will pay me a compliment, and without missing a beat I act as though I have no idea what they're talking about and pretend as though I've always looked this way. Why do I do that? It's stupid, petty, insecure, but it's become a natural reaction. Perhaps I don't want people to know that I'm vain.

Taking classes in yoga is one way I'm starting to do what I want to do. I hope it lends me some bravery to conquer some other irrational fears. I'm really getting sick of letting my fear of how others might react have any weight in my decisions. I've always envied people who could live uninhibited. I'm not throwing wisdom or discernment out the window, I just want to allow myself the freedom to pursue things that interest me, regardless of what anyone else might think.

T-minus 22 Days

I had the realization today that 3 weeks isn't much time before I'll be running the longest distance I've ever run, in a city I've never been with thousands of people I don't know. I wouldn't say I'm stressed about it, but the all the unknowns make me a bit anxious. I have my flight plan, a hotel reservation, a map, good shoes, solid training, the know-how to finish, really there's nothing to worry about. There's this small voice that utters all the "worst-case-scenarios" in the back of my mind. It makes me wish my Dad was going with me. He always makes those fears go away.

I'm running nearly 23 miles - 3 1/2 hours; just under my hopeful marathon time. I want to finish in 4 hours or less. I think once I get this training run under my belt I'll feel a lot better about the whole thing.

My strength is really not in the anticipation or planning of an event, but in the actual execution. I know that, just like everything else, I'll pull it together in the end and it all turn out beautifully.

Your hopes and prayers are much appreciated. Thanks for your support thus far!

Embarrasing Story of the Day

If you've been keeping up with your reading, you know that I went out with a guy almost two weeks ago. I haven't heard much from him since so I've started to wonder what I did wrong or what's wrong with him, etc. He was scheduled to do system maintenance on the computer network at the law firm where I work today. So I did what all girls do when she sees a guy she likes but feels rejected by: look hot and act cool.

After class this morning I rushed home to get ready for "work." I put on a pot of coffee before I jumped in the shower. Mind you I gave up coffee at the beginning of the year and haven't had more than half a cup or so since. Once I had washed, shaved, plucked, styled, dried, moisturized, fluffed and primped as much as time permitted, I gulped my four cups of coffee (now just warm after sitting for 30 minutes), changed shirts twice, and dashed out the door.

About half-way to work I remembered why I gave up coffee. While I may try to convince everyone that it was for health reasons, really it's about vanity; coffee makes me sweat profusely.

I got to work, settled in to my desk and went through my daily routine, only much faster than usual and with trembling hands. The coffee jitters were setting in, the moisture under my arms was increasing and I had another realization: in all my grooming and fussing I had forgotten to put on deodorant.

Forty-five minutes later, I'm sweating like a 300 pound man in a polyester jumpsuit, and I'm pretty sure I smell like on too. I excused myself to the ladies room and once I'm in the safety of a locked stall, I pulled off my sweater, fanned my armpits and tried to soak up the excess moisture off my sweater with toilet paper. Once dressed I returned to my desk and tried to calm myself down.

No less than five minutes later, he walked in. "Hi," I said in the most even tone I could muster, just briefly looking up from my computer screen.

"Hey there," he said, leaning over me. "How are you?"

"Fine, how are you?" I looked into his face, and as I spoke I reached up to push back my hair, revealing a still-wet armpit with toilet paper stuck to my sweater.

I still haven't gotten that second date.

Heartbeats

One night to be confused

One night to speed up truth

We had a promise made

Four hands and then away

Both under influence

We had divine sense

To know what to say

Mind is a razor blade

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

One night of magic rush

The start a simple touch

One night to push and scream

And then relief

Ten days of perfect tunes

The colors red and blue

We had a promise made

We were in love

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

And you, you knew the hands of the devil

And you, kept us awake with wolf teeth

Sharing different heartbeats

In one night

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

To call for hands of above

To lean on

Wouldn't be good enough

For me, no

Spring Fever or Boy Crazy?

I had a date today. A real date with a man. We had a great time, or at least I had a great time. I think it was the first date I've been on in . . . it's embarassing, so I'll just say, "a while."


We took a rock climbing clinic at my gym, my idea. I thought it was a really good first date idea; not a lot of time for awkward silence, and he's the athletic adventurous type so an activity that gives him an opportunity to show off and enjoy himself. Then we had an early dinner; very casual and great conversation.


So now, I'm anxious. As often as I go on a date, I go on second dates about half as often. I really hope he calls me. I guess since he's the one who suggested dinner it's my turn to come up with something else. He did ask me to go to lunch sometime, but that was last week. I just really hope I didn't unknowingly do/say something idiotic to scare him off.


There's this line between indicating interest and coming on too strong. For me, I have never been able to walk this line effectively. As a freshman in high school I was attracted to a guy, and I just told him, right to his face. I was so brave. His reaction? Nothing. He simply avoided me for the next four years. When I was nine I had a crush on a boy, and he threw sand in my face on the playground. When I was seven, the boy I liked threw spitwads at me in Sunday school. Now I know that this is how boys express interest. But it left a mark. Now, twenty years later and pretty much the same level of success, my romantic compass is a bit off.

The Choices We Make

I'm teaching an Intro to Political Science class this semester and recently we've been studying social movements, and, specifically, the American Civil Rights Movement. My own academic and personal research has focused on these topics, so naturally I'm quite enthusiastic about teaching them. What fascinates and inspires me about social movements is the involvement of average people taking important matters into their own hands to influence governments to take action. In the midst of reading and teaching classes on social action and citizen involvement in politics, I've been struck with a dilemma.


I've been pretty down on the US government, and kind of the whole country in general lately. Perhaps I've been watching the news too much, but I think it has more to do with the fact that there are so many terrible things happening that no one seems to do anything about, or the bureaucratic solution seems to create more problems than it solved. I don't really want to go into depth about the issues on my mind right now, but let's just say there are few things that I think are going well. . . actually I can't think of anything that's going well right now in terms of government decision-making. I want to be perfectly clear that I do not blame all the current circumstances on President Bush. The mess I believe America is in has little to do with the decisions of an individual, regardless of how much power he wields. The great bureaucratic machine has much more to do with our daily lives than the President or Congress ever will.


Not too long ago I wrote about Into the Wild and how I envied Christopher McCandless. He had what seemed to be ultimate freedom. He left everything behind. Not because he didn't care about the rest of the world, quite the opposite acutally, but because he was deeply concerned with experiencing life. He was troubled by the social problems that surrounded him and just grew weary of the pain and frustration.

To me this is a very attractive option. I've often harboured dreams of escaping my frustrations by leaving everything behind. These ideas can overwhelm me and I feel the desperation rising in my throat.

Then there's the part of me that knows that nothing will ever be solved by my leaving. It might make me feel better for a while, to ignore the things that distress me, but I could never live that way for long.

My dilemma, then, is this: do I choose to stay and fight for the things that I think are important, or do I turn and leave them behind, knowing full well that any efforts are likely to be unsuccessful.

I was struck with this after reading oral histories of activists in the Civil Rights Movement. They put their lives on the line to gain greater freedom for society as a whole. Many of them joined as the Movement progressed, but a few people took initiative to take action, to make a change.

What I really want is freedom. Selfishly, I want the freedom to live my life the way I want, and to make my own decisions, uninhibited by ridiculous social norms or unwarranted expectations. I know that the choices I make are not isolated, and they have some wider effect.

I don't want to feel so responsible for solving the world's problems. I also know that most people are apathetic or feel hopeless, and if I don't act on my convictions I'm denying my nature.

I can't get the words of Nelson Mandela out of my head, "For to be free is not merely to cast off one's chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others."

Rush of Blood to the Head

Have you ever had a moment when someone you thought you knew so well suddenly seems like an alien? It's baffling to me how quickly my perception of a person can change, and yet, how they always stay the same. Perhaps it's the curse that love is blind to flaws and at some point, when the feelings begin to fade, you get a flash of reality. Suddenly all the small inconsistencies make sense and a person's true nature is revealed, but it's not what you expected to see at all. It's a crushing, numbing experience and the only response is to turn around, speechless, and just walk away.

One of my married friends once told me that the first year of marriage is always the hardest because you learn, "I am the most selfish person in the world and he/she is the second most selfish person in the world." I don't think I have to get married to learn that, my problem is that the other person will often hold the first-place position.

Girl Talk (Part 2)

Last time in "Girl Talk" I discussed my issues with the "I just want to get married and have babies" women. I decided that while that's all well and good for them, this type of life decision scares the pants off me (err, or scares them on me). Today I want to talk about the women who lose all semblance of individuality when they get into a relationship with a man. I understand that it's common to make some changes in behavior when you begin dating someone. What I don't get, and don't like, are the women who completely change all behavior when they are dating someone. For example, I have a couple good friends who are in fairly serious relationships and whenever they speak to their boyfriends, their voice raises two octaves, becomes irritatingly nasal, and their tongues revert back to the speech patterns of a three year old. These are both women who are strongwilled, smart, outgoing, confident and beautiful. So please explain to me when they talk to their boyfriends they suddenly become passive, simple, childish, and insecure. Neither of them put much stock in femininity so their behavior is confusing and frustrating to me. Another example, one with which we are all painfully familiar, is my friend who starting dating a guy and suddenly disappeared off the face of the planet. She was completely unreachable by ANY means of communication for well over three months. Once they broke up she called me up and wanted to meet for lunch. We picked up right where we left off, but several other relationships have dissipated completely under these circumstances. Finally, there are the girls who can't talk about anything BUT the guys they are dating. I give them props for at least speaking to someone outside of their bilateral romance, but really, don't they DO anything else? It's as if suddenly all other interests, hobbies, goals, dreams, plans, fly out the window as soon as a boyfriend enters the picture. I had a good friend in college who was so enthusiastic about her future, she had plans for medical school, thought about joining Doctors without Borders, talked about global politics, participated in charity events, was very active in her sorority, then she met this guy. She was still around but she gave up on med school, traded the front-page for the sports-section, gave up positions in some of the organizations in which she was involved and eventually moved away to follow her boyfriend in his pursuits. Her world suddenly revolved around this guy. She became boring, dull, predictable, and completely engrossed in his world.

It all reminds me of the tabloid gimick to refer to hollywood couples by a combining parts of their names (Ben-nifer, Brangelina, etc.). Instead of incorporating any part of their own names in the hybrid, it seems that many women just prefer to be called by their boyfriends' names. Not to knock the tradition of women changing their last names when they get married - to each her own. What I mean is that name changing often represents a change in identity rather than just changing the way you write your name.

As a woman who hasn't been in a real relationship in quite some time, I look to my friends for cues on how to behave around men that they care about. When I see this example of a loss of identity it makes me very cautious about dating in general. I know compromise and adaptation is part of a relationship, but I don't see many guys altering their behavior, let alone their entire demeanor for their girlfriends.

I have a friend, a brilliant woman who has been dating this loser off and on for a year or so now. He's very controlling, selfish, narcissistic, and narrow-minded. Why she continues to get involved with this guy I have no idea. She's writing her thesis on gender roles in American society. Loosely paraphrased the title is "There aren't any more feminists, just women who pay for their own boob jobs." This dichotomy is fascinating to me. She is so strong in so many areas of her life and yet almost helpless when it comes to her boyfriend.

After tossing this around in my head for a couple weeks, I have to come to same conclusion about my dislike for "just call me by my boyfriend's name" women as for the "I just want to get married and have babies" women. It's the loss of freedom, loss of self that I dislike. Perhaps I'll change my mind when I meet a man who makes me want to be all about him. But something tells me I never will.

Playing Nice

How nice is too nice? At what point does continuing to show kindness to a person who drives you mad just plain dishonest? I'm all for courtesy and even more for actually being kind and compassionate toward people. But I have come to believe that kindness is often mistaken for attraction, especially by men who rarely get female attention. A simple, "hi, how are you today?" accompanied by a smile somehow becomes, "I want you." I'm not a particularly flirty girl and I really try hard to be cautious and not misleading. I never want to be accused of being a tease - though some of my friends are starting to convince me that a little manipulation never hurt anyone. But what baffles me is that a guy can be completely oblivious to what I believe are obvious rebuffs of attention.

On the other hand, I can't seem to turn on the charm enough to get attention from someone I'm seeking out. Is that a hazard of just being genuinely friendly?

Tiny Little Sparks

Every once in a while I have a realization that my face and body betray my true feelings. So much so that I wonder if I actually voiced the words I was thinking in my head without actually moving my lips. For example, I was riding the bus the other day, it was crowded but I was completely lost in my thoughts. Suddenly the guy sitting next to me turned his head quickly and gave me this surprised, puzzled look. I quickly ran through my memory to try and figure out if I had actually been speaking out loud. I smiled, blushed and returned my gaze to the passing street. Just today I was talking with this guy at work and I got the sense that my face was revealing too much because he just smiled at me, kind of strangely. When I realized I was blushing I got even more flushed.

Communication experts say that 70 percent of the meaning we convey in conversation is through body language; 20 percent is through tone of voice; and only 10 of meaning is expressed through actual words. It's interesting how much meaning is never communicated in media like e-mail or the internet. And it makes sense, the people who I believe know and understand me best are the people that see me everyday. They can read my reactions, my facial expressions, my posture and know what I am thinking without any exchange of words.

Perhaps then, it's not that strange that I often feel that my face and body reveal my true thoughts and feelings before I open my mouth to say a word.

Busy as a Bee

The last couple weeks have kept me very busy. And it doesn't look like things will be changing anytime soon. It's funny to look back a few months ago and wonder how I was going to fill all my free time. These days free time is a rarity. Even sleep has been hard to come by. While I'm enjoying the activity, it has required quite an adjustment.

The last couple weeks I've been working at Vodafone in the mornings and for the attorney in the afternoon, except on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I teach at Rivendell in the mornings. On top of that, my marathon training has kicked into full gear. I ran 8 miles this morning with my Team in Training team. During the week I'm running thirty to forty-five minutes a day and weight training a couple times a week. I've been doing most of my workouts in the evenings which means I can't get to sleep before midnight. Then getting up by six in the mornings is taking a toll on my body. My workout goal this week is just to shift my training hours so I can get up earlier and get to bed earlier.

Anyway, I'm continuing at Vodafone throughout March as well as doing my annual military training. I'm not sure how it's going to work out yet. In my planner it looks great, but there isn't much room for error.

The great part is that I'm actually working full time at several things that I really enjoy. The pay will be great too. I just hope I can keep it up. My weekends have suddenly become way too short, and very valuable.

The goal to this would be to pay off a majority of my debt in the next couple months while I'm living with my parents and have few expenses. Then I can get a place of my own. I've been looking downtown. I made a deal with myself though, that I have to take care of my medical debt and pay down my credit card debt before I move in to my own apartment. I hope that will be adequate motivation to be more frugal in my spending.

Girl Talk (Part 1)

INTRODUCTION

This is the first in a series of posts in which I work through my issues with other women. I have lots of them. I really don't like women, in general, and while I like some women, in particular, and have many very dear female friends and confidants, I don't like what womanhood or femininity represent. And I really don't like women who embrace these norms. I realize that this is a problem. I also realize that anyone who reads this may be offended or downright disgusted by some of what I'm going to say, but I am a firm believer that problems never get solved through dishonesty or denial. Bear with me as I work through this.

I've been trying to remember when I started feeling this way about women. Growing up my mother was quite severe toward men, having experienced her own measure of discrimination. But I think this also ingrained in me a dislike for women who refused to take the opportunities presented to them, or pursue the occupations and activities that had previously been unavailable to them. Nonetheless, I longed to be feminine. As a girl I only wore pink, purple, and white, arguing that other colors were "boy colors." I begged for gymnastics and dance lessons. I loved reading books with female characters. One of my favorite book series growing up was the "Mandy" series. It was a series of books about a girl, Mandy, living in North Carolina at the turn of the century who solved mysteries with the help of an old Cherokee man who had been able to avoid the Trail of Tears. Anyway, I loved these books. Not just because they were mystery stories, but because Mandy refused to abide by restrictive social norms of the day, but still managed to maintain a semblance of feminity in necessary circumstances.


I think in high school I became more aware of my dislike for what I perceive to be the weakness of feminity. No particular event comes to mind, but I remember hating Jane Austen books. Not because I had read and disliked her, but more because those were the types of books that girly-girls read and liked. Those romantic stories were for silly women with mushy hearts. I was determined not to be one of them. Now, I admit my ignorance, and after reading my share of Jane Austin, I have renounced my aversion toward her. Although the recent release of several movies, The Jane Austen Book Club, and Finding Jane are re-awakening my distaste for the way women distort her writing to become a method for finding a man, as if that's the end-all-be-all of female existence.

ISSUE #1: The Problem with Motherhood as a Life Goal

The first issue I want to tackle is my problem with women who "just want to get married and have babies." Over the last couple years I have changed my opinion drastically about children. Perhaps not that drastically, I think I've only been willing to say outright what I've thought for most of my adult life. Most of my acquaintances can attest to the fact that I don't want anything to do with children. I'm not mean to them, in fact, children really seem to like me. There was a moment a few months ago when I was sitting in purgatory aka the DMV, and there was a little girl about 3 years old who was just wandering around crying. BAWLING. Open-mouth, tear soaked face, wailing. I made a disgusted face and looked around to identify what irresponsible and inconsiderate adult would dare bring a child into a public place, let alone let that child behave in such a manner. Within a few seconds my eyes connected with the girl's eyes and suddenly she stopped crying. She snapped her mouth shut, rubbed her fist across her cheek and walked over to me, finger in her mouth. As she approached she waved at me with her free hand (flinging tear drops from her fingers). I was stunned, but I felt my face soften into a smile. Before she actually put her slimey little hands on me, her mom walked by snatched the girl's hand out of her mouth and yanked her out the door. The little kept looking back at me as her mom dragged her out to the car. All this to say that I am not an evil child eating witch. I just don't particularly like children. I don't want them in my place of business, or in the restaurants I eat at, in the grocery store, or anywhere in close proximity.

There are days, about once a month, when I actually like children, I smile at them on the bus, I think they're cute and imagine having one of my own. Then I wake up and smell the baby puke on my sweater and realize it's just the heightened level of hormones rushing to my ovaries and my "biological clock" ticking away. I've often sneered in disgust at the desperation many women feel to have children. There's a Friends episode where Joey and Chandler take Ross's baby Ben out with the hope of picking up women. One of the first women they encounter comments on how cute the baby is, following it up with "I think my uterus just skipped." UGH. Even one of my favorite authors, Isabelle Allende, noted that she starts her books with the first sentence "from the womb, not the mind." As if thinking with the heart isn't ridiculous enough, now women are thinking with their wombs?

After weeks of sorting through this particular issue, (I started this post February 18, it is now March 12), I had a realization. In a completely unrelated incident, I was struck by the fact that those things we hate are most often the things we fear. This isn't an original idea, but it became very real to me when I had a negative reaction toward two guys dressed in very "urban" clothing. I realized that I don't dislike those guys in particular, but the way that they dressed, their defiant limp, represented something that created a fearful reaction. So, what is it about women with children that scares me? It's not children or marriage within itself that is so terrifying, but it's the loss of freedom they represent.

If you know me very well, you know that few things cause me more anxiety than missing opportunities. The number one source of anxiety in my life is my intense realization that often choosing one option or taking one path eliminates all other possibilities. It follows that I am essentially paralyzed in the face of major life decisions. I love possibilities. I love to talk about options, plans, hopes, things I want to do. Again if you know me, I've probably driven you crazy with multiple conversations about something new that I want to do, a new career plan, a new adventure, a new opportunity to learn or go or do. So marriage and motherhood sparks in me this intense fear and anxiety that I will be STUCK with children for 18 years of my life. I never want to be so responsible for another human being that I lose my individuality and independence. I have worked too hard to define my identity and I am working on making my mark in history, to lose that, and to lose the freedom of choosing between millions of opportunities feels like losing the whole world.

If you are one of those women who "just wants to get married and have babies," understand that it is not you nor your child that I hate, but rather I hate the loss of freedom that you represent. I guess it's possible that some women find freedom and fulfillment in raising children,; good for you. Next time I see you toting your toddler and pushing your infant in a stroller, I'll try to understand that this is the life you chose for yourself, and I am making my own choices. If I look a bit smug, it's only because I know I will never regret eliminating the possibility that I will be in your shoes.

Random Thoughts of Bliss

Life is good these days.

For the first time in a long time I am happy. And I've actually been happy for a little while now.

I worked at Vodafone again this week. Last time I was there it was just after New Years. It was a nice milestone for me to realize that I'm six weeks into 2008 and I am exactly where I hoped I would be. I've been sticking to my resolutions, keeping my goals, making the lifestyle changes I wanted to make. I think it's safe to say that I am developing habits out of my resolutions. It feels good, mature. I'm starting to grow up and I am surprised to find that I like it.

Ironically enough, I am also moving back into my parents' house at the end of the month. Actually it's really exciting to anticipate saving my rent money. I really want to move to downtown Denver. In order to afford it, I need to save a couple months for a deposit and moving costs, etc. As I walked from my office bulding to the bus stop (I took the long way) I passed by a few apartment buildings advertising vacancies. I couldn't help but notice the half a dozen attractive men out for a jog or walking their dogs. I was beginning to wonder where they all live.

The Part Where You Let Go

I really like this song and just wanted to share it. Enjoy!

When the rain breaks the road
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To your last good day

When the stone breaks the wheel
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
Til the stone rolls away

And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And tumbling out of a window
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you

When the sun leaves the field
Are you holding on
Are you holding on
To the last sweet light

When the flame leaves your eyes
I still see you there
I still see you there
On your darkest night

And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you now

As your hand's breaking free
I am holding on
I am holding on
As you've held on to me

And I don't know
Is this the part where we let go
Tumbling out of a window
Is this the part you're there for me

And I don't know
Is this the part where you let go
And sinking under a shadow
Is this the part where you find out
I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you
You find out I'm there for you

-Dan Messe (Hem)

Into the Wild

A few years ago I read the book Waking the Dead by John Eldridge. Few books have really changed my perspective on life and spirituality as much it did. I've always been a reader, and I've loved stories for long before I learned to read. I love that stories and books take me to another world, make a different life real to me. For as long as I can remember I've dreamed about being a part of one of my stories. Even well into my teens I imagined myself as a characters in my favorite books. By the time I started college, intellectualism had become the altar on which I worshipped, and I forced those silly thoughts out of my head, abandoning imagination as a childish tendency. Then I read Waking the Dead. Eldridge actually uses fairy tales and epic stories to tell truths about God and life! Suddenly it was okay to imagine that I am part of a greater story. Not just okay, but healthy, and enlightening.

I'm an adventurer at heart. I often imagine that if I had enough cash to pay off my debt, I would free myself from this prison of materialism, competition, and greed and hit the road, catch a train, sail to the ends of the earth. It's an entirely romantic notion to live with that kind of freedom. Free from time and obligation.

Last night my sister and I attended a showing of Into the Wild at CU. It's based on the book by the same title by John Krakauer about Christopher McCandless, a 23 year old college graduate who hitchhikes to Alaska as an attempt to experience the world as nature intends and escape a painful home life. His entire journey makes a wonderful and tragic adventure. "For two years he walks the earth. Ultimate freedom."

The whole time I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to leave everything behind and venture into the wild myself. Wonderment became desire and desire, longing, then finally desperation.

After I dropped my sister off, I cried the entire ride home. Not just cried, but wept, sobbed. I was overcome by this sense that I am missing something in my life. I am tethered to this pile of debt and obligation that is preventing me from living the life I was created to live. Even now, the lump in my throat is growing as I think about all the time I've wasted. I want so much more out of life, but I feel like it is just beyond my grasp. There is so much world out there, and I am missing it.

Milk and Traffic

Today I decided, after sitting in traffic for two and a half hours to travel a total of 18 miles, that I hate driving. I've known for a long time that once I get behind the wheel of a car, I transform into a different person. Everyone on the road suddenly becomes my enemy as we compete for space on the highway. I yell and curse, get angry about things that the object of my frustration is completely oblivious to. What really gets me is why other drivers can't feel my frustration and just all pull to either side of the road letting me drive right down the middle to my destination. Taking the bus everyday has allowed me not only to have a chance to interact with other people, it has given me the freedom to view them as friendly fellow humans going about their day, not selfish, stupid, road hogs.

The other thing I learned today is that milk is not my friend. I traded dairy for soy products as of January 1. I also quit drinking coffee (gasp!). But after my red-faced frustration on the road this morning, I decided I would treat myself with a tall, non-fat, one-pump cinnamon dolce latte, no whip. About two sips in, I felt the lactose taking its effect. Usually I am not sensitive to foods. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel any side effects other than satiety. But after nearly three weeks without dairy, I now understand a little better how my body works.

Add that to my list of resolutions: No more driving and no more milk. I (and everyone around me, on the road or not) will be much happier and healthier for it.

Happiness

An article in my favorite news magazine struck me as funny. It discusses all the characteristics of happy people, describes who is most likely to be happy and in general reviews two books that take a shot at analyzing happiness. The most interesting statement in the article, "Happy is the new sad." Meaning that just being happy isn't good enough for people anymore. Happiness is something that we consider, especially in America, to be an "inalienable right." One of the authors points out that you can't really have happiness without experiencing pain and melancholy. I think the article concludes on a perfect note, quoting Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”

In case you want to read it for yourself:

http://www.economist.com/books/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10529960&CFID=5893580&CFTOKEN=6bbb29e84bc48d01-B4441861-B27C-BB00-012BA0E5400D08EB

Isolation and Interaction

Recently I've been using public transportation to get to and from work. Not only has it saved me from sky-high gas prices, but it has saved me hours upon hours of time that I would usually waste sitting in traffic, cursing other drivers. Rather, I have forty-five minutes to an hour to read, listen to music, relax, unwind. I can be completely oblivious to driving conditions, weather, time. At first I used to get frustrated when I didn't get to my destination quick enough or when the stops took too long. Now that I've acknowledged that all of that is beyond my control, and completely insignificant, I can completely relax and enjoy the ride.

One of the best benefits of riding the bus everyday is the human interaction. I've realized how easily we can become isolated from the rest of our species simply through our mode of transportation. Every day, twice a day, I look out the window to see thousands of people in their cars, alone, sitting in traffic. I can relate to that, after being a single driver for years. I would turn on my music and get lost in my own head. I still have that option on the bus, but I also have the opportunity to engage with other people.

Now I understand that by making eye-contact and smiling a complete strangers on board public transportation carries some risk. I might get involved in a conversation with someone who won't stop gabbing or who has bad breath or whatever. But there is a greater likelihood, I've found of having thoroughly pleasant conversations.

On Tuesday, for example, I met this smart, polite, interesting, funny (very nice looking) guy on my ride home. He's a political science student at CU Denver. We struck up a conversation and chatted the whole time. After a year of struggling to meet people, it was nice to know that it can be that easy.

Today, while I was waiting for my local transfer bus in Denver, I started talking with an older woman. She was sweet and talkative. She is in the process of changing careers so we shared stories about the trials and tribulations of job hunting.

For me public transportation has had a very humanizing effect. It's nice to be reminded that we're all just people orbiting this lonely planet, moving about our daily lives. When my life intersects with another it's an opportunity to exit the rat race for a minute and look outside myself. I welcome those chances as often as they may come.

Searching for God Knows What

I've been reading the Donald Miller book Searching for God Knows What during my morning transit. If you've never read Blue Like Jazz, you should, it will change your life. It provides a reasoned and enlightened perspective on how to be a Christian in the world today. I read it a few years ago and came to the realization that the real gospel is not being right or knowing facts about God and the Bible, or even about adhering to specific doctrine. The gospel is a love story; story of grace, forgiveness, courage, and relationship. It challenged my whole idea of what it meant to be a Christian. Other than C.S. Lewis, Donald Miller has to be my favorite theologian.

I started Searching for God Knows What anticipating a similar experience.

I'm about half-way through right now, and I already know I'm going to have to read it again with pen and paper in hand so I can really process everything Miller has to say. It's good stuff, and I really want to get my head around it.

What I love about reading Miller is that he converses with his reader in a casual, vulnerable way. He's painfully honest at times; discussing those secret selfish desires people hold in the dark places of their hearts. This really resonates with me, and I believe it would strike anyone who grew up faithfully in the church only to realize later in life that it was just another measuring stick within a social hierarchy. So many people waste so much time hiding their sins, and then condemn someone else who confesses to the same problem. I was fortunate enough (though it felt completely opposite at the time) to lose any sense of self-righteousness when I was still in high school. I really take joy from that experience now because I believe it made me more capable of loving people. The experience made me more compassionate, more gracious; and I am truly thankful for that lesson, no matter how painful.

One of the most prevalent analogies Miller uses is the lifeboat scenario. You know this illustration: you are in a lifeboat with a group of people, you must decide who gets thrown overboard in order to keep the boat afloat. Everyone on board is subject to evaluation and comparison, and he/she that is found least valuable is tossed out to sea. Miller uses this analogy to describe the type of world in which we live. Think about it, we are always comparing ourselves to other people to see if rank above or below them on the social ladder. We place so much emphasis on how we look, what we own, careers, money, etc. so that we can demonstrate our value to the other people on the lifeboat, and thus secure a spot on board.

The main point of this illustration, and of the book so far, is that we are relational people. We need someone to love and affirm us in order to understand our own worth. That's the interesting thing about relationships. If we are surrounded by people who consistently affirm our value and demonstrate love, we feel whole, secure. Miller admits that this all sounds weak and co-dependent. There's an established belief in American culture that we need to be independent, believe in ourselves, and rely on our own knowledge of ourselves to develop confidence. But really, where does that first indication of value come from? It comes from some one telling and demonstrating to you that you are worth loving. Personally, I flourish in situations where people tell me that I am valued. For example, I have rarely enjoyed a job as much as I enjoy my current position. It has absolutely nothing to do with the actual tasks I am performing, and everything to do with the fact that the people I work for and with appreciate me. I walk in the door, and I hear "Kelly!" as though they are so glad and relieved that I am there. It's a nice feeling to be wanted. It does give me a sense of worth, a sense of security. These people won't throw me overboard. So I look forward to going to work everyday.

What is really interesting though, is that this sense of worth and security has enabled me to demonstrate to others that I appreciate them. I'm not afraid of earning someone's favor, because I already feel valued, so I can love more freely and give more generously.

The point, though, really, is not so much that we need other people to make us feel good about ourselves. What we really need is a relationship with God. Miller quotes "his friend" John MacMurray in stating, "the most unselfish thing that a God who is truly loving could do is to create beings to enjoy Himself." If God is completely loving, and all the while indiscriminant with who he loves, then the best thing he could do is share that love.

Another interesting thing that Miller brings up is that what we often feel as "love" is more the desire for the person toward whom those feelings are directed (or with whom they're connected) to love us. It's not really genuine desire to make that person happy or fulfilled or even to enjoy their company and know them completely, but rather we want them to affirm us. The more I thought about this, the more I realized how selfish I have been in my relationships. I often say "I love you" hoping that someone will say it back. Not just that, but I do or say other things to gain their approval or affection. I don't want to be selfish in my relationships anymore. I want to tell people I love them and truly mean it. So what does that mean anyway. More on that later.

All I Need

I've filled the majority of my time this past week or so listening to the Radiohead CD, In Rainbows. I feel compelled to write about because I feel like truth is revealed to me in music more than in other art forms. One of the reasons I love Radiohead is the same reason I love U2; they communicate profound ideas in simple, even gritty, terms. One song on the album has been especially meaningful to me, All I Need. I posted the lyrics below:

I'm the next act

Waiting in the wings

I'm an animal

Trapped in your hot car

I am all the days

That you choose to ignore

You are all I need

You're all I need

I'm in the middle of your picture

Lying in the reeds

I am a moth

Who just wants to share your light

I'm an insect

Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you

Because there are no others

You are all I need

You're all I need

I'm in the middle of your picture

Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong

It's all right

What I love about this song, other than the haunting and beautiful melody, is that I think everyone has experienced this. When I first started listening I was confused and even angry that the singer longed for someone who treated him so badly. Then there's that line of truth: "I only stick with you, because there are no others." Aha! So he's not satisfied, he's settling. But the more I listened, the more I began to understand that I've been in similar situations, but stuck around because I felt like I NEEDED this person or thing to breathe, to continue, to exist. Sometimes I was willing to sit in the hot car and wait for them/it to come back, because at least they had an animal in the first place, so that must mean something. Or I was willing to play second fiddle or be the follow-up to their performance, because even if I wasn't headlining, at least I was getting to be on stage at all. And just sharing some of their light was enough to keep me satisfied because I was around someone who radiated. There I am, right in the middle of the picture, but I'm so small, so inconsequential, that I'm hidden by the landscape.

I think we've all felt that way. It's one of those universal experiences and we decide, "it's all wrong, but it's all right."

I don't have a plan of action or a word of wisdom on how to get out from under this type of relationship. I just think it's interesting that we are all attracted to something or someone who is bigger than ourselves. We do crazy things to give life greater meaning, whether it be pursuing someone who seems to have it all, hoping they'll share a little piece, or participating in something that might lead to greater fulfillment. I think it speaks to our desire to be valued. We want someone to notice our worth, even if it's because we are associated with someone or something. All I need is not this person or thing, but all I need is to be valued, even if by means of association.

Happiness

I'm experiencing this strange phenomenon in my life right now where it seems like I'm moving out of the holding pattern into a more kinetic state. I actually feel happy. I look forward to getting up in the morning, rather than going back to sleep until the very last moment. I like my job(s). I feel secure in my relationships. I'm looking toward the future and I see potential rather than a gaping darkness. It's a strange, foreign feeling.

It struck me the other day. I was doing something inconsequential like sticking my key into the lock to open the door to my house and I realized I was smiling. I don't know what I was smiling about, but at that second I felt happy, at peace. That hasn't gone away.

I don't want to overanalyze it, because it seems to hard to grasp. I don't want to lose it, or crush it with my fingertips. I just want to enjoy it for as long as I can.

Perhaps if I keep stepping lightly and doing things the way I've been doing them over the last couple weeks this feeling will stick around. Now that WOULD be strange.

Leaf Blowing

It's only been a week, but I am faring quite well in my 2008 goals. So well that I need to add a few more things to the list.

7. I really want to start writing again. I've often thought that one of my life goals should be to write a book. Writing is a process I enjoy and I think I have good things to say. Also, I blew off poetry long ago for prose because it seemed so adolescent. I think I might try my hand at it again. My sister is a talented writer who really enjoys poetry, I might get her to lead me to some new material.

8. This is one of my more run-of-the-mill resolutions, and I've mentioned it before, I have to stop watching so much TV. It's my default activity. Anytime I'm bored or have spare time, I just flip on the tube and tune out. I have seriously thought about selling the TV in my room. This is the first year I've lived with a TV in my bedroom, and it is not healthy. I used to read before bed, now I watch endless hours of Friends. I'm convinced that all those comments about TV rotting your brain are true. My brother's girlfriend says "TV is for the weak-minded," I'm tending toward agreement.

9. One of the most important lessons I think I can take from 2007 is to be more persistent in pursuing what I want. I need to put that lesson into better practice in 2008. I need to clarify my goals, outline strategies for achieving them, then persistently go to work. I'm determined not to be in the same place this time next year. I really feel like 2007 was a waste in many ways, I spent so much time waiting and so little time living.

10. Finally (for now), I need to invest more time in re-building my relationship with God. After so much disappointment, it's hard for me to trust him anymore. But that's what faith is about, trusting and following God even when things are painful and unclear. I haven't been very faithful this year. While it might take a while and I know I'll waver on this point daily, I need to be more intentional about involving or acknowledging God in my life again.

Look out 2008, I'm doing more than turning over a new leaf, I'm blowing them all over the place.

Turning Over A New Leaf

A new year always seems such an opportune time to start all over again. Sometimes I wish I could just "shut down" and "reboot." A new year is as close to this as we can get. It's a chance to purge myself of the things that tied me down and kept me from being the person I was created to be.

I was reading a nice little article in the Denver Post featuring several local people who are taking a new lease on life in 2008. They are making far greater commitments than short-lived weight-loss resolutions. One woman is using her new seminary degree to launch a career in counseling, another man is starting dialysis and looking for new kidneys, another has hopes of competing in the Olympic games.

That's the kind of change I want in my life this year. I want to start a new adventure, unpack all the baggage I've been lugging around, and stop waiting for things to happen to me.

While I have some run-of-the-mill resolutions (work out more consistently, eat healthier, be more intentional in maintaining important friendships, etc.), I want a more complete make-over in 2008.

1. I have to begin a career. I have a few things going, but I want to do something significant. My passion is for policy making. I want to work for someone involved in that process. I really think I need to move to DC to do that. So, by the end of 2008 I want to be in a position where I am working directly for someone involved in the political process.

2. I have to reevaluate my relationships. I've given too much power to some people in my life, and not spent enough time with other people. I have some friends with whom I have a mutually encouraging and loving relationship that I do not rely on enough, and there are other people in my life who are a serious emotional drain. I spend so much time wondering what they think of me, and whether I'm doing enough to make them happy and be a good friend, but I would be surprised if they so much as gave a second thought to my happiness. Not that I want to be more selfish in my friendships or completely sever ties with people, but I need to develop better emotional boundaries in my relationships.

3. Similarly, I need to build new relationships. I need to build a network, and not just for the purpose of career building, but in the pursuit of finding like-minded friends. I need to find more people who like politics and want to make a difference in this world. I think the first step in this is going back to church and being intentional about meeting people.

4. In the spirit of releasing myself from excess baggage and becoming more independent. I have decided to backpack part of the Appalachian Trail. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never taken the time to do it. Even if I just spend two weeks on the trail, I think it will be a tremendous experience. I'm planning on hiking this summer, in the Virginia or North Carolina sections.

5. I've also wanted to run a marathon since I was a junior in college. This is the year for that. I'm joining with Team in Training to prepare for a marathon in June. This training will be invaluable in my preparation for the AT.

6. In regards to my military career, the marathon training will also be important for my APFT and ultimately in getting my "O." Ever since I enlisted, I've been asked multiple times why I didn't get my commission. Really I wanted some experience on the enlisted side, but also, I didn't understand the system when I first signed on. So this year, I'm putting in my packet for a direct commission, as soon as I get my E5 promotion.

I hope that 2008 will be my year to take control of my life, surrender it back to God, and move forward into my destiny. I never want to waste my time and energy like I did in 2007. I spent so much time in tears and too little time doing the things I actually wanted to do. This year, I'm drying my eyes, leaving my pain in the past, and being the woman I am.

Year in Review

I have officially dubbed 2007 my year of disappointment. However, in the midst of my frustration and depression, there have been some real highlights.

First of all, it was confirmed, after a series of medical tests, that I do not have any of the following: leukemia, lymphoma, tubercolosis, HIV, lupus or crohn's. I'd say that ruling one of those diseases out makes for a good year. But being sure that I currently do not have any of those is pretty awesome.

Second, I revised and updated my resume several times; adding new experiences, placing greater emphasis on certain accomplishments, and all-in-all trying to make myself more impressive on paper.

Third, I conquered a couple fears. I had to overcome financial obstacles by making phone calls to creditors and enrolling in a debt management program. Usually I shy away from any problems that loosely relate to money, but this year I had to suck it up and be an adult. Look out lending and banking industry, I am no longer intimidated by your incredibly poor customer service, long hold-times, or ridiculous fee schedule. I have learned how to work the system to avoid you cheating me out of my hard earned money. Also, I learned to be more persistent, or more like, I learned something about the importance of being persistent. I've always had this fear of annoying people or being perceived as a pest. But this year I've tried to define the difference between pestering and persisting. Not that I have it all figured out yet, but I'm getting there.

Fourth (and this is a real accomplishment), I watched all ten seasons of Friends. I became so engaged in the show that I found phrases from the dialogue creep into my own vernacular. I also learned that I need to watch less TV, and fill my down time more productively. More than anything, the fact that Friends is one of the major highlights of 2007 reminds me that this year was pretty desolate. It provided a nice escape. But this is supposed to be about remembering the positive aspects of 2007.

Fifth, I learned that I need to take vacations. I made only two visits to friends this year. Both I was quite apprehensive about, and both turned out beautifully. I guess that's two things: take more trips, and do things that I'm nervous about doing, because it often turns out much better than expected. In 2008 I am going to take more risks.

Finally, one of the best things about this year is the relationships I built. I have some stellar friends. Also, living so close to my parents provided a great opportunity to develop an adult relationship with them. Even when I hate my job and I can't seem to catch a break, my friends and family are a constant encouragement.

I could recount all my pitfalls and accomplishments of 2007, but I think that covers the big stuff. So, here's to the end of the year of disappointment and to a new year with new adventures, new friends, more time with old friends, finding a great job, persistently and intentionally pursuing my goals, and taking risks. Oh yeah, and less TV.

Reflections on the Christmas Season

This year I am reminded of how blessed I am. It's been a difficult year for me, but I still have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful family, great friends, and every once in a while something comes along to help me remember that the universe is not set against me.



I have drifted away from my church-attending tradition. Last night was easily the first time I've been in well over six months. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that church attendance is any indication of how righteous or spiritual a person is. For me there has been a lot of pain and shame associated with church and Christians. While I still cling to my faith, it's rare that I want to participate in rituals that potentially bring me in contact with the judgement I have experienced in the past. However, I do think is value in being in an environment that encourages faith.



The Christmas Eve service was a really nice injection of faith into my recently void religious life. The one thing I can always count on enjoying at church is the music. Growing up in a very musical family, nothing touches my heart like a sincere lyric or beautifully blended notes. My mom always plays in the Christmas Eve service and I was really looking forward to the all-acoustic set they had prepared. I can't remember much of the pastor's message, but the words of one hymn, Agnus Dei, grabbed my soul: Alleluia, Alleluia, For our Lord God Almighty reigns. That's it. It's so simple. But how quickly I have forgotten or ignored the fact that God does reign over this earth and over my life. Even when I can't see the road in front of me, when I try to manufacture an outcome for myself, when I'm disappointed and confused, God reigns. I really don't want to acknowledge that sometimes; I want to be the one in charge of my life. Then I remember the times when I charged out on my own, in full-out rebellion of God, living how I wanted to. Those are the times that I regret the most. Those are the times when I hurt people I care about. It's that kind of selfish living that causes the most destruction.



Even then, God reigns.



Another thing that always touches my heart are conversations with people who have walked the same path. I've often related my current circumstances to wandering in the wilderness. I'm really confused about God's plan for my life. I feel disappointed, misled, and even betrayed. What happened to all those open doors? Is it simply about timing? I want to believe that eventually it will all work out, I just have to be patient.



At a dinner party last night, I met a man who had recently emerged from his wilderness wandering. He referred to it as "a hurricane." Now he's in a place he never expected, and has never been happier.



It struck me last night as I was on the phone with a close friend that so much of my life and my happiness has rested on my career path. There is so much to enjoy in life, but I haven't been able to get over my job anxiety to take advantage of it all. I envy those people who can take off, hit the road and just live the way they want. I want to do that, at least for a short time. I want to do it before all the obligations of adulthood get in the way.



This Christmas has reminded me to relax a little and trust the Lord with my future. Not that I'm just going to sit back and wait for things to happen, but I am going to allow his plan to unfold instead of forcing some immediate outcome. The Lord God Almighty reigns. While I have a responsibility to use the time and assets with which He has blessed me, I need to acknowledge that he is the one in charge.

Certain Days

Every year, certain days jump of the calendar page and grab me. They just put me in a sentimental mood. Whether it be proud of all I've accomplished or questioning what would have been had I made different choices along the way. I don't have many regrets. In fact, if given the chance, I don't think I would change much of anything. Perhaps I would take better advantage of some opportunities than I did, but all in all I'm happy with the way things have turned out so far. We all have our scars, some are in more obvious places than others. It's been my experience though, that things really do work out for the greater good.

I'm laughing at myself after that last line just because I'm finally in a place where I can recognize and admit that. There have been times where there was no way I would ever have believed that things work out for the greater good. It's so easy to recognize the beauty in difficult circumstances when the light at the end of the tunnel is just within my grasp.

I've had to make peace with so many things, and once those wounds heal over, it's so much easier to make sense of it all.

So why is it still so hard? Why do these choices still haunt me?

Tingly-ness

It's times like this, when I feel like life is going well that I really want someone to share it all with. It's only natural to want to celebrate with someone who cares and will be just as excited as I am. I think when things are going well I can only help but want more. I'm never content. When I don't have a job, that's all I can focus on getting. When that begins to fall in to place, my focus shifts to other parts of my life I believe to be lacking. I haven't had a real relationship with a guy in like, 8 years. I feel like I can start to shift out of survival mode and begin to develop parts of my life I've had to shut off over the last few years. It's like letting blood back into a contricted limb. It feels foreign. It's good to know at least those parts are still attached.

A Good Week

When it rains, it pours. Last Friday I related my life to driving through a thick fog with "Road Closed" signs at every exit. I'm not claiming that suddenly the sun is shining and I can see everything clearly and my life has just fallen together all of the sudden. I can say that one little piece seems to be fitting in place.

I worked part time for an attorney this past week to help him prepare for his annual two week vacation in Italy (tough life). My main function was secretarial, so not a real challenge. I really liked the people, the office, and the attorney. On Thursday he asked me to work for him again when he gets back in the States. Since it's only part-time, I had to decline. On Thursday morning, I had an interview for a records clerk position at a law firm in Boulder. While I'm not too keen on organizing, labeling, and maintaining volumes of legal files full time; I really need a job, it's good pay, it's in Boulder, and the hours are favorable. The interview went really well.

You can imagine how good I was feeling as I walked in to another interview on Friday morning. I'm quite confident in my interviewing skills. On paper, I don't really stand out. If my resume can actually land me an interview I might have a good shot at the job.

I really want this job. It's perfect for me. I would be working with the Community Relations Director for a large, national law firm doing a little PR, a little accounting, a little event planning, some admininstrative work, and a lot of charity events. I wanted the job so bad when I left the interview that it made me nervous. I can't want anything too much, because then it won't work out. So I have to tone down my enthusiasm, pretend like I don't care, and prepare myself for disappointment.

I've always thought of myself as someone who gets what they want. I work hard to achieve my goals. But when it comes to the part that's out of my control, that's where I lose it.

Regardless of my fears, I was called back for a second interview.

YAY!

That afternoon, I went in to my temp job and the Office Manager wanted to meet with me. Apparently I was a topic of conversation at lunch. The managing partner of the firm wants to put together a full-time position for me.

Three potential jobs in two days. I'd say that's a good position to be in.

It really was a good week.

I hope things continue like this.

And Yo Again

One day I have a free lift ticket, fresh powder, friends to enjoy it with, and a broken credit card machine that results in free lunch - just about perfect; everything in my favor. The next day my flight is cancelled because of snow, I get stuck in traffic for three hours, and I have to battle with airline customer service associates to recoup my lost ticket. How does life go from being so great to so disappointing so quickly. Maybe my lesson in this is not to let things affect me so much. But honestly I don't think I let things bother me more than they should. It's reasonable to be disappointed about not getting to take a much anticipated and much needed vacation. It's also reasonable to feel good about the system working in my favor to get me a free day of skiing on fresh powder. What I can't allow myself to do anymore is extrapolate those reasonable emotions into irrational conclusions about my life and the universe in general. I've often resorted to placing all my frustrations and disappointments into a general "the entire universe is set against me" category. It's strange. Sometimes I am unbelievably lucky and other times I am incredibly unfortunate. Some days I feel like every force is set against me, and some days it seems like the cosmos are set in my favor. At one point I would have described it as spiritual warfare. I still believe this on some level. I've reached a point in my spiritual journey where I can't quite trust that there is anything working in my favor. Maybe that's where I've been wrong the whole time. Perhaps my idea of God has been so ego-centric that I really believed He was working for my benefit. In reality though, even though God loves me and wants me to succeed, He is working for his own glory, and His idea of my success is probably very different from my own goals. I want to believe God has a plan for my life and that it is ultimately better than any plan I could have for myself. It's hard to keep believing that when nothing makes sense.

I was driving back from Colorado Springs on Friday after my flight had been cancelled and I was so upset. I had really been looking forward to seeing one of my closest friends, meeting her boyfriend, and just enjoying her company for the weekend in a really fun location. When the weather interrupted my plans I sunk into what has become an all-too-common mindset of "why doesn't anything work out for me?" I was driving through a dense fog about 25 mph behind miles of traffic. The fog was so thick and the daylight was starting to fade, limiting visibility to the tail lights immediately in front of me. I pulled of at an exit to get some coffee and as soon as I pulled onto the side road I was confronted by a "Road Closed" sign. This is my life lately. I have nice diversions and good things happen to remind me that I'm not alone after all. But it seems that at every turn I'm met with a "Road Closed" sign. The fog is so thick that I can't see where I am and the darkness is rolling in all around. I'm looking for an exit but all I can see are the tail lights in front of me, keeping me on the road. I hope that when I get to my exit I can still see well enough not to miss it.

Yo-Yo

Lately my life has felt like a yo-yo. Everything is so back and forth. One day I have no job, no prospects, no money, and no hope for my future. The next I have two job interviews, more than enough money, a romantic prospect, and fun vacation plans.

A repeating theme this year has been "waiting." I'm waiting for things to work out with the State Department; I'm waiting for Prince Charming; I'm waiting tables; I'm waiting for the call that will get me a new job; etc. I've also thought a lot about NOT waiting anymore. I think my greatest fear is not taking advantage of every opportunity. I don't want to miss out on anything. I don't want to waste my time. The struggle in this is determining how to find those opportunities; I know they don't just present themselves. I also know that fully taking advantage of opportunities is often about timing. Most things worth waiting for you actually have to wait for. So what's the balance? How do I know what I actually have to wait for and what I have to go out and take?

Frustration

I am trained for nothing.

You would think that after four years of college and two years of graduate school I would be perceived as being capable of doing something. Surprise! My education means nothing without 2-5 years of experience in something. It's impossible for someone who spent the last 6 years of their life in school to have experience in anything since they WERE IN SCHOOL. Amazing.

I wish someone had told me that education isn't really worth anything before I wasted all that time and money.

I know I can do just about any job someone puts in front of me. However I don't have any relevant work experience to demonstrate that to potential employers.

I can't even get a non-profit job. Nobody wants non-profit jobs, but still, I can't get one.

I'm reaching the end of my rope with this job-hunting garbage. I guess it means I'll have to do the only I am really trained for: take an active duty position in the Army. That won't be so bad. I mean, at least I know they won't turn me down.

Mysterious Ways

After working at P.F. Chang's for over a year, I finally decided to find a new job. I will continue serving tables there one night a week, Sundays, at least through the holidays. It's the busiest time of year, and it would be stupid for me not to use that opportunity to make a little extra cash. And it gives me the option to pick up an extra shift when I need to.

I've accumulated a few regulars over the year, which is nice. I enjoy seeing them, I know what they like to order, and I know how to serve them best. I know a little about them, they know a little about me, it's a reminder that the people I serve are real people who have lives outside of eating at P.F. Chang's. Funny how spending so much time at one place, interacting with people on one level for so long has made me so myopic about society. I digress.

When I first started at Chang's I joked that the only way the job would help me launch my career would be if Gov. Bill Ritter sat at one of my tables and was impressed enough to offer me a job. Needless to say, that never happened. A few months ago though this man named Mark began frequenting P.F. Chang's, usually late on Thursdays, and just happened to sit in my section. He dined alone, ordered in waves and drank the same wine every time. He was friendly and actually seemed interested in getting to know me. He's in his mid-fifties with a wife and young son. They had moved from Breckenridge with the intent of expanding his company and being more accesible to his clients. They also began attending my parents' church. I told Mark about my hopes with the State Department, he explained his business to me. I saw him almost twice a week, usually alone, but sometimes with his son.

I was able to pick up a shift on Thursday night, just last minute, one last one before I begin my Sunday-only schedule. I was wrapping things up and getting ready to go home when Mark walked in. It had been months since he had been in, and I was just thinking earlier that day that I hadn't seen him in a while. He ordered his usual and we began chatting. I told him about my new job - I had previously discussed my brief exploration into marketing jobs at the end of the summer.

"I believe that sometimes God uses daily circumstances to reveal his will," Mark stated. "I would really like to see you succeed. Now, I'm sitting here thinking 'here's this bright young woman in front of me, who I see as very capable, her parents go to my church, and I think that there has to be some reason for this. I would like to help you however I can. I'm going to send you some information about my organization, you take a look at it and we'll talk about some options for you."

Wow.

Now I know that this isn't a concrete job offer. I know that nothing may ever come of this conversation. But I know an opportunity when I see one, and in this year of disappointment, I know a blessing when I experience one. Perhaps all this IS part of God's plan after all. For the first time in a while, I'm hopeful about my future. Sometimes a little encouragement is all that's needed to put things in motion.

Work Week

I finished my first week of 8-5 work. It was long, boring, and so wonderful to do something different. My temp position is in the Legal department of Vodafone. They hired me through a legal staffing agency to help index and organize about 250 boxes of files. I spent all week listing every item in every box.

In order to break up the monotony, I came up with little games to play as I indexed box after box. Keep in mind that I occupied an entire suite of offices by myself this week. One important detail is that while I sat at the front desk facing the main entrance, there is also a back entrance that is down a hallway and several rooms away. On Monday I was pretty content just to do my job and sit quietly just listing away. I took a nice long lunch break, walked down the 16th Street Mall in Denver, stopped at Starbucks for my daily eggnog latte (I love the holidays), and enjoyed being part of the adult working world. I engaged in conversations with homeless people, local vendors, and the Starbucks barista just to get some human interaction. After lunch I returned to the silence of my office suite to continue with my indexing. By Tuesday I was smart enough to bring my Ipod. I listened to podcasts of NPR, LSAT Logic in Everyday Life, and Coffee Break Spanish - unabashedly thinking out loud and practicing my Spanish in my best Scottish accent (the instructor for Coffee Break Spanish is Scottish, so all his Spanish has this interesting and charming brogue). I practiced my karaoke skills to my favorite songs and took advantage of the fact that I was alone in my own little world, with hundreds of file boxes. On Wednesday I was beginning to get a little crazy and became more creative with my self-entertainment methods. I decided that since I was surrounded by boxes I should build a fort. I began placing each box strategically after I indexed it. Before long I had a nice little structure. I still had more boxes though and I placed them in a sort of maze on the floor. I was putting my artistic skills to good use, sitting in my fort to index and walking through my maze, when suddenly I hear laughter. My stomach leapt. I wasn't alone after all.

Blushing deeply, I peeked out from inside my cave of boxes to see an unfamiliar man grinning at me. "Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm the temp for the next couple weeks." I crawled out, stood up and shook hands.
"Yes, hi, I'm just checking out the suite. We're thinking of moving into this space."
"Oh, well, it's only being used temporarily for this project."
"I see, and do you come with the space?"
"No, no, I'm just here with Vodafone to index these boxes."
"Well it looks like you've made yourself at home," he grinned, motioning toward my fort. "I'm just going to take a look around. I'll be out of your way in a minute."
"Okay, yeah, take your time, I'm just gonna get back to, uh, these boxes." I smiled and returned to my desk, thoroughly embarrassed. I put my headphones back on, and quietly indexed boxes until the man left through the front entrance. "Thanks!" he waved, "have fun."
"Yeah, thanks, have a nice day," I replied and smiled.
It took all of about three minutes after he left and I finished my current box before I resumed constructing my fort, I was in the process of adding a guest wing.

After lunch on Wednesday I had pretty much taken up as much reasonable space as possible with my construction projects and invented a new game. Many of the boxes have personnel files, each labeled with a last and first name. In one of the "G" boxes the names were pretty interesting so I started pronouncing them out loud in what I imagined was the language of origin. Russian sounding names became my favorite.

The next couple days continued like this, me, alone in the suite, uninterrupted in my Scottish-Spanish lessons, foreign name game, singing out loud, and artistically arranging box after box.

By 4pm today I completed all the boxes. It brought a nice feeling of accomplishment. On Monday I'm taking my lists and inputting them all into an electronic database. I'll be in the main office, at a desk surrounded by other people. While I'm looking forward to having more human contact, I hope I don't forget where I am and start singing or speaking Scottish-Spanish out loud.

Monday

On Monday I begin a new job. It's a temp position with Vodafone working on a two week administrative project. It's not my dream job, but it's a start in the right direction.

Since I put in my two weeks at Chang's it's bee much easier working there. I enjoy it more, I don't become so easily frustrated. I wish I had learned several months ago not to care so much about the job. I become so invested in whatever it is that I'm working on that I have a hard time letting things slide. I am a perfectionist. Since my job takes up a majority of my time I have difficulty not taking it too seriously. I get stressed out when things aren't running smoothly and I become bitter toward people who don't work as hard as I do. I get especially irritated when my hard work and dedication don't get recognized and the laziness or incompetence around me is ignored. That was one of my main frustrations at P.F. Chang's; I would show up every day and work my ass off, following rules, doing things as they should be done and doing them very well, and never receive a nod of approval. That is one of the very reasons I enjoy being in the Army. The standards are set and the standards are made clear to everyone. Those who choose not to meet them, either out of negligence or willful disregard, are punished, or at least not rewarded. Those who meet and exceed the standards are quickly recognized, rewarded, and given more responsibility. It's a system in which I can thrive. I pay close attention to details, but at the same time I view myself as a member of a larger team and I invision where I want to be within that grand scheme. At P.F. Chang's there was know view of the top, no path to promotion, it was a dead-end, no matter how hard I worked or how good I became at my job. As ambitious as I am, this is infinitely frustrating to me. Since I no longer have to depend on serving tables as my sole source of income, I'm almost considering staying on the schedule a couple nights a week, like a hobby. Sounds sick doesn't it? If I have another channel for my ambition, a place where I can work to achieve my goals, working part-time at Chang's is kind of appealing. I'm not committing to that yet. I'm going to see where my new position takes me and what all I can do next.

On the Hunt

Once again I've begun searching for jobs. Only this time with quite a bit more urgency. I quit my job at P.F. Chang's and am staring into an endless abyss of possibility. I have until next Wednesday to find a job.

So far I have two leads. I'v primarily been applying for legal assistant jobs at Denver law firms. I have a friend of a friend who's husband is a lawyer and is looking for an administrative assistant. I think that's the most promising lead. All the employment experts say that knowing someone is the best lead in finding a job. The other lead is through a legal staffing agency. I'm going down to their office on Friday to take a series of skill assesment tests. I'm very encouraged by that opportunity simply because I've never worked at a law firm, but I know I have valuable skills. It will be good to get an objective measure of what I'm qualified to do and then search from there. I've also sent my resume in to several Media/Communications jobs, and Fundraising/Development jobs. I know responding to internet postings has a generally low success rate, but I think once managers see my resume they'll want to meet me; and I am great at the interview. I've spent some time working on my cover letter; I think it's more effective now, emphasizing my accomplishments and differentiating me from the competition.

If worse comes to worse and nothing works out by the end of the month I have a few safety net plans as well. It's holiday shopping season and I know I can easily get a seasonal retail job while I continue to search. Also, the Army always provides an alternative. I can simply go for additional training or even volunteer for a full-time position. I'm just so relieved to be getting out of service industry jobs. It was too stressful, thankless, and ultimately a dead-end. I just hope I can convince future employers that the customer service and salesmanship skills I gained over the last year are valuable. I don't want my time serving tables to be a complete loss.

Law school is still on the horizon. I'm spending most of my time during the day studying for the LSAT. My score is improving little by little with every practice exam. I still need to work on the Logical Reasoning section, but I'm confident with some practice I can nail it.