Hitting the Wall

A common frustration many runners face in a long-distance race is hitting "the wall." It refers to the physical sensation of when your body just gives up. It's not just exhaustion or discomfort, it's that dreamlike feeling of running in cement. I feel like I'm hitting an emotional wall today. Everyone has periods of time when it seems like no matter how hard you push or how hard your try to smile and move through frustrating experiences, you just can't get anywhere.

Over the last couple years I've dealt with these walls by taking some time to make a list of goals and start checking things off. I go for a hard run, I take a yoga class, explore a new hiking trail, read a new book, plan a trip; something to inject a sense of adventure in my life. Right now, I'm doing all those things. I should be happy. I should be energized and inspired. But I'm not. I'm tired, frustrated, and even feeling a bit lonely. This makes it all the more frustrating. I have so much good in my life right now. I have many exciting opportunities and plans. I have a great guy who cares about me (maybe even loves me). I still feel listless.

I think it all comes down to my job at this point. It's a drain on my time and energy. I'm so unmotivated at work. I let things pile up on my desk because, no matter how quickly the deadline is approaching, I can't seem to find the time and energy (between my chatting at the water cooler and internet surfing) to actually get the work done. I had full intention of coming in this past Saturday to try and make a dent in the pile. The thought of spending my precious free time back at my desk made me angry - so I cleaned my apartment, snuggled with Oliver and watched The Big Lebowski instead - much better uses of my weekend.

I was complaining about my job, yet again, in the car last night, and I realized that expend so much negative energy on the issue than if I would just buckle down and get my desk cleared. I know it would change my entire outlook to just get it all done. And yet here I am, writing about how miserable I am at work instead of actually working. I've let my responsibilities slip and I need to exercise a little self discipline to bet back on track - regardless of how I feel. It's just like running a race; I finish it no matter how I feel at mile 20. The difference is, there's a finish line in a race - here there's no real end in sight.