Activating my Love Corner (Fun with Feng Shui)

I'm playing with Feng Shui and changing the location of things to try and adjust the energies in my life. One of my favorite attempts at this is when I go to Rockies' games I sit in one place for a while and if the game starts taking a turn for the worse, I move. I've decided that if I can change the energy by moving, the outcome of the game might change. My friend Adam (my baseball game buddy) just laughs and moves along. I think it's working though - the Rockies have won 9 of their last 10 games and scored over 10 runs per game in many of them.

When it comes to dating I'm applying the same principals. My dating guru, Ivy has suggested that I "activate the love corner" in my room to change the energy and un-block my romantic channels (sounds a little dirty huh?). So I put a lamp AND an air freshener in my "love corner." Maybe that means I'll attract men who have something going on upstairs AND smell nice? Not sure exactly how it's supposed to work - but all I can say is that my channels are starting to flow!

Inertia

(in-ur-shuh) - noun: the property of matter by which it retains its state of rest or its velocity along a straight line so long as it is not acted upon by an external force.

I'm realizing lately how difficult it is to change the trajectory of my thoughts without applying adequate force. For not having physical matter, thoughts in motion certainly remain in motion.
On days when things just seem to go all wrong it's hard to get out of the trenches, take a step back, breathe, and apply some external force to shift the straight line my thoughts have taken.
If I want to change the way I think and interact with the world around me, I have to set the intention to perceive it in a positive way. Perhaps not always in a positive (upbeat/cheerful/happy) way, but in a way that serves me, teaches me. When I come across a thought or attitude that doesn't serve me in the here and now, I have to acknowledge it, not castigate myself for it, but then apply some force to shift the line.

It all comes down to grounding myself, knowing where I want to go (the trajectory on which I want to be), and making necessary adjustments. So when I start to let my mind wander I and begin to sink into a funk, I'm trying to stop, breathe, remember where I want to be going, give myself some grace, and make an adjustment.

Part of my struggle has been figuring out what I want/where I want to end up. While I may not have a twenty-year plan on paper, I know I want specific attributes, certain things to be true about me. If I work on that, focus on developing qualities that I value, that's much more important than trying to get somewhere specific.

Thanks for Reading

I received an e-mail today about this blog from someone I respect. I was rather surprised to hear from him, but his message came through loud and clear: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself and realize how much you have!" I wanted to post a few excerpts from his e-mail because it was exactly what I needed to hear. Of course I appreciate the affirmation, but coming from someone like him, it really means a lot.

"Not to sound mean, but huh? I got to be honest with you. Why the hell are you feeling sorry for yourself? Tough time (with your) job? Perhaps because you are over qualified for most, if not all?"

"What is the case with this "trying to find someone?" Have you noticed guys are a little intimidated around you? Why do you think? Smart and beautiful? You think guys might be kind of scared about making the first move? I would pretty much guarantee it. That is what guys are scared of right off the bat. You need to be the one who starts things off....at least most of the time."

I think it is time I changed my tune. I usually write when I'm feeling down on myself, but that's become too frequent. I waste a lot of energy with "oh woe is me," garbage and I need to spend more time enjoying and appreciating what I have. It's funny, I've been listening to the new Portishead album a lot lately, and just yesterday I noticed that almost EVERY song is self-pitying. It irritated me - and that's what I've been doing here.

I've mentioned recently how I'm trying to take more risks, be more bold, specifically in regards to interaction with men. Honestly, it's been about finding ways to get more attention. I think what I really need to focus on is using my new found confidence to figure out what I want, and how I can get what I want - making me happy rather than trying to figure out how to make someone else happy with me.
I've wasted too much time and energy attempting to make certain people think and feel certain things about me, while I should have been more assertive about who I am.

So I'm trying to focus on the positive things in my life, get over myself, stop creating my own melodrama and just enjoy life a little bit.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for the feedback. I need that voice of reason to speak out among all the craziness in my head!

Dawn

I'm reaching the upper limits of my stress and frustration levels today.

I couldn't sleep last night. I just started staying at my new apartment. I finished my house-sitting gig in LoDo (Lower Downtown for you non-Denverites) and am now adjusting life in Cap Hill (Capital Hill). Every noise is a new sound, the apartment smells different, feels different, looks different. Even though it has all my stuff in it, it just doesn't feel like MY place yet. I know that will happen - probably in a matter of days - but for now, sleeping has become a chore. If you know me, you know I am a good sleeper. It's one thing I do really well. I can sleep just about anywhere - cars, planes, trains, couches, floors, tents, benches, movie theatres, you name it, I've slept there. And I sleep like a log. I mean, I've slept through heavy arms and simulated mortar fire. So for me, NOT sleeping is a huge indicator that something is wrong in my world. Plus, I am much less capable of dealing with all the little daily crises.

For example, I've been on and off the phone for the last three hours with two different systems to try and get one document filed in the Denver County Court System. I was given the impression (three weeks ago) that it was a very simple process of taking the document to the Court, putting it on their desk, handing them a check and getting them to put their stamp on it. So I take my happy little self down to the Court only to find out that it will only be accepted through their electronic filing system online. Then it will take a few days before they notify me to bring in the original document for the required stamp. So now I still have the original document with no stamp, and I'm less than a week from the deadline with at least half a dozen steps to follow. It turns out that the hold up is a simple error in the attorney's name that prevents me from being able to file the documents under the appropriate case number. Silly me, I was spelling his name correctly! In order to correct this mistake, there has to be a written request sent to the Court. Of course, the Court then notifies me that it's a problem with the online service provider, and they can't make any changes because of the way the attorney is registered with the State Bar Association. The online service provider tells me I have to request that the Court make the changes and it will automatically update in their system. The Bar Association will only deal with the number associated with the attorney, not their actual name. One of my co-workers asked me, "on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 meaning you could take a nap ('ha ha') and 10 meaning you want to pull your hair out by the roots, what level of frustration are you at?" I think I'm at about a 25. When I finally got through the long-hold and voice activated Customer (dis)Service phone line to an actual person I was so sickly sweet he had to sense the sarcasm. I'm passive-agressive when I'm tired. When the clerk at the Court told me for the third time that the speed at which they process my file will "depend on how busy" they are, I thanked her profusely for all her help in my best (and loudest) "thanks for nothing" tone. It's been downhill ever since.

So my day has become much like my night: tossing and turning until I can reasonably quit trying.

Lost?

I'm feeling rather lost today. I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I know that I've been trying to put things into this void that don't really fit. It's like searching for a missing puzzle piece but I don't even know if it actually fits in the puzzle I'm working on. Discomforting.

I got into this emotional funk last night and woke up this morning even more confused, more frustrated. I went on a third date with this guy (from the bar) last night, and I think the novelty has worn off; now I'm bored. There just wasn't anything interesting about him anymore. I felt so guilty walking away thinking "I hope he doesn't call me." He was a good distraction for a couple weeks from what's really eating me, but now I'm searching again.

I had a really enlightening weekend in Colorado Springs. I traveled to Fort Carson with my Reserve Unit for out annual Weapons Qualification. A few of us, including one of my favorite girl friends, went down early to put everything in order before the main body arrived on Friday night. We had some free time and made the most of it. She's a good person for me to learn from, and I think she benefits from our friendship in a similar way. I'm a good conversationalist, she's a good flirt. I'm good at eye contact, she's good at physical contact. We cause our fair share of trouble. I'm really trying to take this new-found confidence out for a spin; talk to more people, try new things. I think of it as making the most out of a bad situation. Still, it's an emotional battle and just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. I'm gaining some good new insights into myself.

I think the weekend I have planned should provide adequate temporary relief: Rockies game tomorrow night, friend in town on Friday night, Mile High Music Festival Saturday and Sunday. A few more good distractions.

Letting Go or The Strange Path to Peace and Happiness

Some interesting developments in the last couple weeks. I'm constantly amazed at how loss can lead to finding new and wonderful things that I never would have found otherwise.

About two weeks I had the rug pulled out from under me. I had been operating under a misconception for quite a while and upon learning just how wrong I was, I was (needless to say) disappointed. Not just disappointed, but deeply hurt. I felt mislead, manipulated, betrayed, etc by someone I trusted. My immediate reaction was to feel sorry for myself and feel foolish. After about 20 minutes of that (while shopping) I decided what I really needed was a night out with one of my girl friends so we could rant and rave about our favorite/least favorite members of the opposite sex. This friend and I have a certain proclivity for getting into trouble - not trouble in a bad way, but in a "you-never-know-what-will-happen" way. So we got dolled up and hit the town. This funny thing happened to me. I'm usually very aloof at bars. I have a hard time meeting guys because I don't want to mislead or give a wrong impression about the kind of woman I am. I threw all that out the window, talked to almost every guy who caught my eye, danced, took compliments, flirted and just had fun. It felt good. Then a really funny thing happened. I met someone. Someone interesting and smart. I did the unprecedented thing of giving him my real phone number. And he called me. We went out to dinner (twice now). And he's still calling me. I'm not sure why I'm so surprised by it, but he actually wants to spend time with me. I don't even have to beg.

So I'm learning, yet again, that major disappointment can put me in the right place after all. If I hadn't gone out that night with the intention of making some trouble, I probably wouldn't have met anyone. I'm not saying this guy is "the one" or anything crazy like that. But I'm being reminded that I'm someone worth taking out, investing time in, being with.

Oh, yeah, I painted my apartment, bought a dining room table and chairs, found a futon/couch, and am getting settled into MY apartment (before and after pics to be posted soon as promised). I'm in a really good place. This time, I can actually enjoy it, I don't have anything left to let me down.

My Turn

I've been thinking lately about why I allow other people to dictate so much of my life. I rarely make completely independent decisions. I consider all the things that other people recommend or prefer before I make decisions. I've always just chalked it up as part of my easy-going nature. But I'm beginning to think that being so easy-going and amenable to what other people want is detrimental to my own well being. Usually I let other people take the reins because I just want them to enjoy themselves, and I am easily happy in most circumstances. This is starting to take a toll on me.

One of my famous quotes during AIT was "I just want to do what I want to do." We were able to go off post every weekend. Usually we just got hotel rooms, drank, went to the movies, shopped, etc. It was fun, but someone always ended up drinking too much, getting in a fight, getting kicked out of a hotel room, etc. And who do you think was there to try and hold everything together, keep people out of trouble, smooth over arguments? I felt so responsible for my friends and making sure that they had fun I hardly had time to relzx myself. I got so fed up with being the caretaker and peacekeeper that every weekend I would swear that I was going to "do what I want to do." It became a running joke because I never just did what I wanted to do.

So this morning I was thinking about this problem I have. My sister, calls it Co-dependency. I'm determined to, at least today, make my choices, be a little selfish, admit what I want and accept those things, work for them.

The other part of my problem is that when someone wrongs me, I immediately determine what I did wrong to make them hurt me, or what I did to misunderstand or misinterpret their actions as hurtful and assume that they really had no malintent. Why can't I just accept that people do mean, selfish things to me, be angry about it, let the blame settle on them, forgive them, and move on? It seems better, nicer maybe, to blame myself, be angry with myself, and let them be. I've spent years kicking myself for wrongs others have committed against me.

The funny thing is, this is my horoscope for today:

"Are your friends getting too involved in your plans for the day? If you let everyone put in their two cents about everything, you'll never get anywhere! It's time to stop being such a good listener and start being more independent in how you go about things. Instead of getting everyone's input on what the right plan is, just go off and do what you think will work best. If you're wrong, who cares? You'll learn something, and show folks that you can think for yourself."

I love it when I seem to be in line with the Universe.