Packing Day

I'm anxiously preparing for a two-week excursion into the wilderness of the North West United States. During these two weeks, I'll be participating in a three-day camping trip as well as taking classes in orienteering, outdoor survival, physical fitness techniques and training, and leadership skills. All of my travel, food, lodging and equipment is provided. I leave Thursday and return just one week before Christmas.

It's not nearly as exciting as it sounds; I'm going with my Uncle Sam. He's notorious for taking everything too seriously, making everyone get up really early, stay up really late, go for days without showers, shouting loudly over seemingly mundane details, and shamelessly belittling everyone in his sights. Not exactly a vacation. I'm determined to come out on top; sharper, smarter, and ready to face whatever the new year may present.

On the eve of the President announcing his plan for military operations in Afghanistan, and particularly whether there will be a surge of an additional 30,000 - 40,000 troops deployed, I have to believe that I need to absorb as much as I can from this trip. I've been fortunate enough over the last 4 years (5 years in February!), to not spend any time in the Sandbox. I've also been blessed enough to know dozens of people who have done their duty two and three times over.

I trust that God is in control of this situation, and I sincerely believe that He is putting me (or keeping me) exactly where I need to be to fulfill his purpose in my life. I'm not worried. If I go, I go, and God will be sovereign even there. If I stay, I stay, and God has plans for me here.

Passion and Hope

The last few weeks have been busy, encouraging, exhausting, motivating, stressful and exciting. I could (should?) provide an entry to describe all the various things I have going on, but after all of it, I don't have the time or the energy to really give writing the appropriate attention. Just to recap:

I've been volunteering quite a bit with The AIR Foundation lately. For those of you who are unfamiliar, AIR addresses homelessness and addiction through endurance running. Working in cooperation with the Denver Rescue Mission, we use "Activity Inspired Rehabilitation" (AIR) to train men and women in long-term drug and alcohol rehabilitation to finish at least one of two marathons in Denver every year. It's really an amazing program. I'm really excited to be apart of something that I believe is making a difference in peoples' lives. Over the past few weeks, I've been working to finish up the 501(c)(3) application. If we can get non-profit status from the IRS, it will open up dozens of opportunities.

I've also agreed to oversee the volunteer coordination as well as training for the runners and volunteers. We're launching several rather ambitious projects in December and January that, if successful, will lead to a consistent revenue flow to support the programs. The program has so much potential to succeed, we just need to put a few pieces in place. That's become my job - putting pieces in place. It's exciting, and I'm thrilled to be doing something meaningful with my time and skills. It's also a lot of work. Did I mention, I'm still working my full-time job?

My own personal goal for working with AIR is to be able to move to part-time at Dill and Dill and work part-time, as a paid development/fundraising employee, with AIR by June 2010. My work is certainly cut out for me as my first fundraising hurdle is finding money to pay my own salary.

The wrench in the works is that AIR holds two recruiting events every year. The next one is December 8 and I'll be out of town. I recently received orders to spend two weeks in training near Seattle from December 3rd through December 18th. I've been trying to get in to this training course since February 2008. If I don't go now, no matter how bad the timing is, I may not get in for another year. The fact that I'll be away from home for two weeks and return right before Christmas hasn't even sunk in. I'm just concerned about getting everything done today, and every day until December 2.

I've never been one to shy away from excessive activity. I love jam-packed days, busy weekends, and falling into bed exhausted from productivity every night. Whether it's my need to feel important, or whether I just like getting things done, I have to remind myself that sometimes I just need a break.

I am certainly looking forward to having both Thursday and Friday off this week to spend time with my family and just relax. I have a stack of books, a list of movies, and a whole season of Fringe to watch. It's going to be great.

Happy Thanksgiving Friends! I hope you all have a lovely Holiday!

There Must be Something Else

Last night I had a horrible dream about my current work situation. I dreamed that I was fired from my current position with no explanation, no severance package, and no one to defend me. I was instructed to train three new interns who would take over my responsibilities and be gone by the end of the week.

I remember being so angry in my dream. When I woke up, I was still angry. I calmed myself down by thinking about all the things I could do if I DID get fired without pretense or warning. If nothing else, I could always go back to serving tables for a while. When I walked into work this morning, I got angry all over again. Obviously, this is not a healthy place for me to be. I resolved myself to finding some new way to pay the bills.

About one-thirty this afternoon, I received an e-mail informing me that my "application was NOT referred or accepted," for the job I mentioned in my previous post. I wanted to feel disappointed. I wanted to be frustrated. I wanted to feel sorry for myself. In spite of all the demoralizing statements I carry around in my head to pull out for such occasions, I couldn't help but believe that there must be something else, something better for me. I keep referring back to other career-related disappointments I've dealt with over the last few years. On the end of each one, I can always find reason to be thankful it didn't work out the way I had hoped.

Maybe I need to decide that a job is just a job and it doesn't have to be anything else. I really struggle, though, with spending such a vast majority of my life performing tasks that don't matter and will never make me happy. But maybe that's not what a job is supposed to do; give purpose to my life or provide satisfaction? Maybe I need to seek purpose and satisfaction in other things?

I keep hoping that things will change. There's nothing to do but keep filling out applications and hoping one of them hits. What have I got to lose?

Fingers Crossed

I was casually perusing the USA jobs website last week when I was surprised to find a position that seemed to be a perfect fit for me. It's a research and analysis job for the DOD, based on Colorado Springs, focusing on Latin America. The application deadline was yesterday.

I spent all day working on this application. It required 1-3 page responses to five different questions. The intent is for candidates to demonstrate in writing that they have the requisite experience to fill the position.

I want this job so much that I can hardly talk about it. I guess I believe that the more I talk about it, the more I'll want it, and the more I'll be disappointed when I don't get it. That's a sad way to pursue a career though, expecting to be let down and rejected.

I'm trying to adjust my attitude to reflect a greater belief in myself and my future, rather than my fears. I've dealt with disappointments before in my career and moved on. I may not be where I want to be, but that doesn't mean I stop trying to change my circumstances. I have to take chances; you can't win the lottery without buying a ticket, and you can't get the dream job without applying for it.

Itchy Feet

Last night I watched one episode of the new PBS series, National Parks: America's Best Idea. I was once again grasped by the realization that there is too much world to see, even here in the US, to stay in one place for very long. I've been dying to take a vacation, even a week-long, in-country trip to somewhere new. I have a whole list of places I've never been. Ideally, I'd really like to take about 4-5 months to travel.

In 1 year and 4 months I will have paid off all my debt other than my car and my student loans. At that point, I would only need to set aside about $2500 + basic living expenses in order to take 5 months off to travel. I think with my car, tent, backpack, and shoes, I could easily see a lot of the country with a minimal budget. Over the last few years, I've really wanted to hike all or part of the AT. I've planned numerous backpacking trips all over the Southwest that I've never had an opportunity to take. My boss keeps telling me that he's planning to retire in a year. Perhaps by then, I'll be ready to take some time off before job-hunting again.

I don't really want to just travel for the sake of traveling though. I think I'd like to design a service-oriented trip. I could find volunteer organizations in every state I want to visit and spend time working for them while I'm there. Maybe even just clean up trash in one of the National Parks I want to see; something to give my trip greater purpose than just sight seeing. Probably just one of my grand ideas that I'll hardly see to fruition, but I'd like to see what I can put together. If you have any good ideas for places to visit and volunteer, let me know. Maybe I can at least start mapping a route and thinking through the logistics.

The Big 2-8

I turned 28 yesterday. While all my friends, family members, co-workers, etc. assured me that 28 is NOT old, I can't help but feel like it IS. It doesn't help that I hurt my back carrying boxes while moving a few weeks ago and now I'm on a strict 6-hour alternating regiment of 600mg of Ibuprofen and Muscle Relaxers to make the muscles begin to un-injure themselves. Next year I'll be complaining that my hip replacement surgery has been delayed because of the damn communists in congress, dying my hair blue, and predicting the weather by the swelling in my arthritic knee.

Regardless of whether 28 is old or not old, it's been a scary age for me for quite some time now. I remember distinctly thinking as a freshman at Florida State that if I didn't have my life figured out by the time I turned 28 I was going to get breast implants, move to South America, and join a political revolution.

So as the Deadline Birthday approached, and then passed, I couldn't help but consider whether I've done all the things I could have/should have done to get me where I thought I wanted to be. Have I really put forth a good effort to make something of my life? Have I sincerely pursued the opportunities presented to me with diligence and passion? Even though I'm in a fairly good place right now, the answer to those questions is still a resounding "no" in my mind. I think about the times I've lied to or made excuses for myself instead of actually working toward my goals. I've blamed government, bureaucracy, my upbringing, my circumstances, God, everything to try and relieve myself of the burden of responsibility for my own actions. I recognize that when I get overwhelmed, I become easily paralyzed. But instead of recognizing that, and then actually taking steps to de-paralyze myself, I slip into this rebellious indifference and create a careless and sometimes spiteful attitude toward whatever obstacle I'm facing.

I think what it really comes down to is a lack of self-discipline. I believe I could be disciplined if I actually wanted to be. For example, I have plenty of time in the mornings to get up and run before work. I think I've done that once since I started working here two years ago. And it's not like I don't thoroughly ENJOY exercising, it's just that I like to sleep, and staying in bed is so much easier than getting out of it until the last possible minute. It's not just about exercising either. I often start projects, like job applications, or my ODC packet for the Army, or a grant application, etc. that I very rarely finish. These are all important to me, but somewhere along the way I lose interest and let it fall to the wayside. I really don't want my life to amount to a series of unfinished projects and unaccomplished goals.

So what's the solution? I need to get away from the mindset that once "X" happens, I'll be able to really start doing what I want with my life. I need to really make the effort to make "X" happen instead and stop making excuses for why it hasn't yet. Maybe the problem is that I don't really know what "X" is. I guess I don't know what I really want anymore.

Until I figure it out, I've tabled the breast implants idea and opted for a consultation with an orthodontist and a LASIK surgeon. Those seem like less self-indulgent vanity procedures. I think Brazil will have to take a back seat to the Middle East for a while, and the political revolution that needs to happen is here in America. So I guess I'll be here for a while longer. At least it's a good place to be stuck.

The Septemberist

September is going to be a very busy month for me.

On Saturday, I'm making a quick trip to Orlando to see my oldest friend get hitched - by oldest I mean we've been friends since we were four. I'm coming back to Denver on Sunday so I can run a race on Labor Day morning and avoid the overpriced holiday flights and hotels in the tourist capital of the country. Unfortunately this also prevents me from spending another weekend in Nebraska. Nebraska and I are on a break.

Next Saturday is THE BIG RACE. The Imogene Pass Run is the one I've been anticipating since June. It's certain to be my toughest event yet. Seventeen miles, 5,000 feet of elevation gain, gravel road, a grueling time limit, and stunning views in every direction. Needless to say I'm nervous and concerned that my training to date will fall painfully short. I'm determined to finish the race in the time allotted. If I don't though, it'll be more than my bruised ego to nurse and the resolution to try again next year.

The following Wednesday I leave for Fort Lewis near Seattle, WA to spend five days helping to ensure that our troops are deployment-ready. I hope to catch a good live show while I'm there and spend some hours charging the famous hills jutting up from the coast.

The Wednesday after that is my birthday.

That Friday I leave for Kansas City to celebrate the last of Whitney's bachlorettehood with a kick-ass party. I'm in charge of games - sex position balderdash anyone?

When the month finally winds down, the Denver Marathon will be right around the corner; and honestly the simplicity of race training will be a welcome repose from my hectic September schedule.

So if you're in Denver some weekend this month, I might catch you at the airport.

"Oh My Omaha" Update

Since I made such a big deal out of my trip with the Boyfriend's family this past weekend, I feel obligated to provide an account of the venture.

First of all, I am really glad I went, actually. That doesn't mean I would do it all over again, but I know now how important it was that I was there. Meeting his grandmother, uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. was a really good experience. In such tight-knit families everyone feels safe and appreciated, even guests are instantly comfortable. And there was not a single question as to whether we've "set a date," begun reproducing, or any other such prying nonsense. Fortunately for me these were all directed toward the newly-wed couple.

The part I would not do-over is the 8.5 hour car ride book-ending the weekend. First there was the reading aloud from Readers' Digest. Then there was the insistence that I "put on a coat" (while riding in the car b/c the AC was too cold). Then there was the questioning at every stop as to whether I was hungry and instruction to "eat a donut" even after I replied "no thank you," "no, I'm not hungry," "no, I don't want a donut." The one bit of unexpected peace was the separate hotel rooms.

I think it was a learning experience for all of us. Boyfriend learned that not telling me anything about the event ahead of time means that he gets to carry TWO large suitcases in addition to his own. His mom learned that I don't deal well with people before breakfast. His dad learned that I HATE being rushed. I learned to ask more questions before I agree to a family trip. Questions like: "where will I be sleeping?" "with whom will I be sharing a bed?" "What time does the event start and when exactly do we need to leave?" "Is dinner going to be a backyard BBQ or a catered country club meal?" Oh, and questions like, "honey, why in god's name do you think I want to take a road trip with your parents?"

Amazing Race(s)

I've been keeping a fairly busy training and racing schedule this summer. On Saturday, it paid off. I ran a personal best, breaking 2 hours at the Georgetown to Idaho Springs Half Marathon. Just two months ago, I ran the Rocky Mountain Half Marathon in 2:13. I think that's a sign that the training is going well.

The real victory is that my race management was almost perfect. Other than the fact that I couldn't find my good shoes on race day, requiring me to don the pair I wore to train for and run my first marathon last spring, I felt well prepared, and ran comfortably the whole way. Averaging a 9:08 pace, I ran at the high end of my Zone 2 (goal heart rate/pace range for a race this distance) to the low end of my Zone 3 the whole race. To me, this demonstrates that I've not only improved in strength and speed since our time trials last month (where zones are determined), but also I've learned some self discipline in my racing. Typically I sprint from the start line and run the first 2-3 miles at top speed, only to burn out by Mile 10. Flanked by two trusty running buddies, Christine and Stacy, we took the first 3 miles easy, averaging a 9:30-10:00/mile pace and let our bodies warm up to the altitude (9,000 ft +) and terrain (rolling hills descending 1,000 ft over the course). We were all amazed at how quickly the miles clicked by and how good we felt, even at mile 8. After mile 9, Christine broke off and picked up the speed (8:00/mile). I kept on her heels to mile 10 then set my own pace the last three miles (8:30/mile) Stacy maintained a solid pace, finishing just at minute behind me. The last tenth of a mile, I pushed hard and finished strong to eke out a sub-two hour race. Jim was lucky enough to find parking and make his way to the finish line just in time to snap a quick photo of me crossing in record time.

Walking around after the race, stretching, eating, drinking, I started to feel the effects of how hard I had just run. That's the sign of a good race, I think, it feels so good during the race, you don't even realize how far and fast you ran until you're done.

While I still love the 26.2 miles of the marathon, the half-marathon could easily become my favorite race. It's long enough to be challenging but short enough to see improvement over a relatively short training period. Also, I never feel completely wiped out after a half while marathons leave me sore for at least a couple days.

This is definitely not the end of the racing season for me. In fact, it's just beginning to get interesting. With a 20-miler next weekend, a 10-miler in three weeks, Imogene Pass in about a month, then the Denver Marathon in October, I have a full schedule. I was hoping to knock off the Boulder (Backroads) Half Marathon in September, but Uncle Sam has other plans for me that weekend.

Also, I ran into a former coach at the race this weekend and he has some exciting training going on too. I may decide to join up with him and his team for the California International Marathon in Sacramento this December. Somehow a year doesn't seem complete with only one marathon on my legs. Since New York didn't work out as I anticipated, I've been searching for a replacement race. Maybe this is the answer?

Oh My Omaha

There's another family-fun weekend planned: the Boyfriend's Grandma's 90th Birthday Party, in Omaha, Nebraska.

After my last "Meet the Family" experience, I am better prepared to field the abundance of inappropriate and uncomfortable questions that are inevitably launched on potential new in-laws. And I think I can more adequately brace myself for the long stories about people I don't know and small talk with people who believe that vegetarianism is a form of Communism. In addition to the eight hour, one-way car ride with his parents to look forward to, there will be more, new extended family members to inquire and speculate on the quality of my uterus, and quiz and observe my domestic abilities.

I know it's all with good intent. They want to make sure their son/grandson/nephew/cousin/brother/step-brother/uncle is happy and has found someone acceptable. What baffles me is that they seem to forget that I too am someone's relative, and a person, no-less, with some plans of my own.

In these moments I come up with many reasons not to go on this adventure: I have to pack and move my apartment; I have a big fundraiser that weekend for AIR; I have to train with my team for one of the many races I have just around the corner; or I just don't want to go. I also know that if his extended family becomes my extended family, my absence will not be easily forgiven, or forgotten. And I know that if he goes without me, there will be an endless barrage of uncomfortable questions he will have to face regarding my absence. If it's going to be uncomfortable for one of us, it might as well be for both of us. That's what it means to be in a relationship, having someone to endure family events with.

Two Part Harmony

I've had the pleasure of seeing a LOT of live music this summer. It's been an eye-opening experience as I'm exposed to new talent and new sounds that I may never have expected to enjoy. Through attending all these shows, you get a chance to hear what other people think is cool and interesting. Here's a quick run-through of the new music I've particularly enjoyed and the bands with which I've been especially impressed.

1. Hello Kavita - Denver band with a great sense of musicality. A perfect blend of simple, mellow vocals with enthusiastic and complex instrumentation and musicianship. As I mentioned previously, I especially love their cover of Paul Simon's "You Can Call me Al," (which I was fortunate enough to hear at the show last night at the Fox Theatre in Boulder) because it is exactly what a cover song should be, fresh and interesting, but familiar enough so that we can all sing along.

2. Rapture - maybe not a local band, but one I would love to see live. Their ultra-cool/eighties-glam brand of Disco-Punk is upbeat and catchy and really rocks. "House of Jealous Lovers" and "Whoo! Alright . . . Yeah, Uh Hu" are certain to make you want to dance until you sweat.

3. Blitzen Trapper - Portland based rockers with a cool, folksey sound, imagery-inspiring lyrics and brilliant three part harmonies. Put Furr, the newest album, on repeat and enjoy all day.

4. Overcasters - another local band of which I've only caught a few songs at a local showcase, but thoroughly impressive. Think of U2 with an "edge." Darker, harder, but still creative and melodic, these guys have got something.

5. Swayback - recently signed with Capitol records these guys have that rock band sound that urges crazed female fans to ask for signatures on body parts.

6. Bon Iver - aptly named "good winter,"the much mellower, more melancholy sound that makes me want to curl up in front of a fire place and wait out a blizzard. Lyrically interesting and melodically simple, this singer-song writer sticks in your ears.

Of course I have to include my own family members in this short list of favorites. Philip and Allison are taking their sound to the public. Playing to an enthusiastic and appreciative crowd at the Avery Brewery Tasting Room a few weeks ago, and now producing and distributing a demo CD to promote their vast and unique talents. Keep an eye out for these rising stars, and remember: you heard it here first.

Bliss

It has been an unspeakably happy week.

I have so much going on, but I'm not letting it stress me out. I have too many pressures on my time and energy, but I'm saying "no" gracefully and maintaining my personal boundaries. I'm being productive and marking things off my to-do list. I'm looking for a new apartment and looking forward to a change.

Things are just good right now. I am very blessed, indeed.

Wild Mountain Nation

Over the last few months I've had the pleasure of attending a variety of live music shows here in Denver. Many of them have left me simply content with having experienced some young, unknown musicians testing their talents before an enthusiastic but sophisticated audience. Last night I had the opportunity to hear Blitzen Trapper (http://www.blitzentrapper.net/), the hard-rock turned Indie-folk-pop band from Portland, Oregon - Wow: these guys are for real.

Typically I lose interest in a show after about 45 minutes if I'm not familiar with a band or if they don't play a cool cover to draw me in. After every single tune last night, I thought, "wow, that was really good." My ears kept wanting more.

The style is so simple and hearkens back to the folk music of Appalachia with gospel-ready lyrics, three-part harmonies, and some traditional instrumentation like a acoustic guitar and harmonica. But the sound is complex and exciting. Incorporating the electric sound of a rock band adds depth and energy to their oft-mellow tunes.

I'm currently enjoying my third listen through their newest album, Furr. Join the Wild Mountain Nation of Blitzen Trapper - you're in good company.

When It Rains, It Pours

Sometimes life has a way of snowballing you. It's been slowly building over the last week or so, and hit full-force today.

To say that I feel overwhelmed is a laughable understatement. I have at least 30 different projects going on at work with impossible deadlines, no free hands to help me, and an office manager who likes to hover over my shoulder and eavesdrop on every conversation, professional and personal, then provide insight as to how I should respond to overheard conversations, apparaently as a means of helping me "manage my workload."

Also, I've recently been volunteering with an excellent local nonprofit. I'm super excited about all we're doing, the mission, and upcoming events. However, like in all organizations, the majority of the work ends up going to the people who 1) show up for meetings and 2) act enthusiastically. I'm guilty on both counts and now have enough work to do to fill 8-10 hours a week, conservatively.

Then there is the economic issue. While I received a nice paycheck boost this summer, but have yet to experience any real ease in my budget from the change. It seems to me that the banking industry should be convicted of highway robbery. They have unlimited access to my meager funds and freely (and seemingly arbitrarily) extract exorbitant fees without warning.

It's not just feeling overwhelmed by having too many things to do or too many external pressures, it's also that I've been constantly reminded, excruciatingly reminded, that I am not doing what I want to be doing with my life, career-wise. As much as I complain about my job, my reaction time is getting better to this sense of entrapment. I recognize my frustration with my job and immediately do something to try and change my situation. I strongly believe that my life is a culmination of the choices I make for myself. Often the choice NOT to do something is more significant than any conscious choice I make for action. So this week I've completed a graduate school application (waiting on transcripts and letters of recommendation to submit), applied for a part-time teaching position at a local college, and made further progress on my ODC packet for the Army. My life/job will never change if I don't do something today to change it. If I sit and wait for it to change for me, in five years I'll be exactly where I am today.

Me and Bobby McGee

This morning was the kick-off event for the Fast Forward Sports/Team Denver Marathon training season. Typically the kick-off event for a new season is a simple, meet the coaches, get your t-shirt, a few administrative issues are discussed and we finish up with a short, easy run and some stretching. This morning though, we were in for a huge treat: Olympic coach Bobby McGee facilitated a running clinic.

Within a forty-five minute session he covered the importance of good form, the biomechanics of running, stride and cadence, and flexibility and strength. Then he took us outside to practice the key points. By the end I could already feel improvement in my speed and the efficiency of my stride. Just a few tweaks to my form made a huge difference.

I had become familiar with Bobby McGee's training program and running theories through Fast Forward in the last few training seasons. We do his dynamic warm-up program and our coaches have talked at length about the form techniques he advocates. It was a totally new experience though hearing all these things straight from the horse's mouth. Suddenly all the drills we had been doing over the last year made perfect sense. I don't fault my coaches for neglecting this information, I'm one of those people who always wants to know "why" I'm doing something a certain way. I might believe that doing forward arm swings as part of my running warm up will help prevent injury and improve my form, but I need to know why it helps and how it interacts with the rest of my body. It all came together for me this morning.

I'm looking forward to a great training season and implementing some of these new techniques to run my fastest marathon yet. I'm running to Borders today to pick up Bobby McGee's workout book!

http://www.bobbymcgee.com

Westword Music Showcase 2009

The Westword Music Showcase is an annual platform for local Denver bands. I have to say that I was blown away by the talent and level of musicality taking root here. Over 90 bands performed, one every hour from noon until 6pm, at 6 or 7 different venues within the same 3 block radius. Then Meese and Built to Spill capped off the evening at the main outdoor stage.

Of all the fantastic music I heard on Saturday, I was most impressed with the single song I heard from Hello Kavita - a cover of Paul Simon's "You Can Call me Al." I scurried into Curious Theatre at the very end of their show to catch an earful. First of all, I love Paul Simon. I think there are few better song writers. "You Can Call me Al," is one of my favorite songs. Hello Kavita's rendition was brilliant. It was absolutely what a cover should be - their own. I get so tired of hearing "cover" songs performed in their original arrangement; it might as well be karaoke. When I hear a new version of an old favorite and it's fresh and interesting, I get really excited. I wish I could find a recording of the performance to post here. If you know of one, please let me know - I would love a copy. Be on the look out for Hello Kavita to take flight in the near future. These guys have got "it."

Other favorites of the day: The Swayback (who just signed with Capital Records); Bella Karoli; Everything Absent or Distorted; and Meese (who sound an awful lot like The Fray, but BETTER and more edgy). Built to Spill's performance was, of course, fantastic.

Music lovers keep an eye on Denver. There's some great talent on the ups.

The Good Life

There are shimmering moments in life when everything seems absolutely perfect and right with the world. I woke this morning to one of those moments. The whole day hasn't been perfect, but it started off on the right foot.

The most discouraging times of my life are when I feel trapped, stuck, and like nothing is going to change or get better. I've learned over the last couple years that when I begin to sink into hopelessness, I have to make goals for myself and create a strategy for achieving them. And they have to big goals, challenges. I relish overcoming some obstacle. That always jolts me back into self-efficacy and injects a sense of adventure into the mundane daily grind.

It's not unusual then that I'm always happiest when I have a lot on my plate; goals set, adventures idealized, fun weekend activities on the calendar. Right now a world of possibilities stretches out before me. I'm working on completing my OCS packet (a project I've had underway for over a year, without progress); I have a race this weekend; a summer of great marathon training with F4 and AIR; two killer races calendared for the fall; a fun weekend in the mountains with my favorite people in a couple weeks; the Westword Music Showcase all day tomorrow featuring 90 local bands; Death Cab for Cutie with Andrew Bird at Red Rocks in July; Wilco and Okkervil River also at Red Rocks in July; countless poker tournaments to win; fourteeners to climb; camping trips to make; spontaneous road trips to take; and the possiblities go on and on.

Also, I feel like the work I'm doing has taken on some significance. As my responsibilities grow and change, I can sink my teeth into some projects and hurry through the silly, mundane work.

I still feel stuck sometimes; and I hate that I'm not in a position where I'm really using my skills or learning new ones. But there is likelihood for change.

The best part of all of this is that I have someone along for the ride, no matter where it takes us, who supports me and wants to be part of the adventure. So if I get deployed in next year, he'll take a job overseas too. If I get sent to OCS for 8 months, he'll visit when he can. If I want to go back to school, he'll move with me where ever I get funding. And, when I beat him at something he doesn't get sulky and feel demasculated, he brags about me. Not to make him sound like a pansy without any goals of his own who let's his woman call all the shots. He's easy going and confident enough not to be intimidated by my high-hopes, and he's accomplished so much already that I think he's willing to let me pursue some of my own ambitions. No wonder I like this guy. :)

Breathe In, Breathe Out

I recently began running with a group focused on training recovering addicts for endurance athletic events as part of the recovery process. Joined with the Denver Rescue Mission, the AIR Foundation trains these men for half-marathons, marathons, and 200+ mile relay races. It provides more than an athletic training program, giving them shoes, running apparel and a community of like-minded friends.

Last night I was running (or walking more-like) with one of the guys just talking about running and about life in general. He was a fascinating person, an artist specializing in glass art but working in oil painting and sketching as well. He had studied in the best schools and under the most renowned artists in his trade. At the height of his career he became so fed up with all the politics at the top that he left everything to spend 40 days fasting in the desert of Arizona. We talked a little about his experiences and the people he had met, but it all came back to grabbing hold of our opportunities and leading a life worth living. He's excited about the opportunity to train for and run a marathon; accomplishing an impressive goal and getting his life back on track.

For me running has occasionally been therapeutic, but mostly just for fun and a competitive outlet (so I don't do things like organize paper-clip tossing competitions or obstacle courses at work). In this setting though, I'm learning how having a goal, a training schedule and a support system can really help someone turn their life around and get back on their feet. It's a matter of doing something that you believe is important, and in many ways, something that society views as a great accomplishment. It's a way to feel valued and even respected.

Currently, we are training with several men to run the Denver Marathon in October. We're only three weeks into the program and I am really excited to see how we all progress and improve. I'm planning on training with F4 again this summer, but I'm also excited to have another opportunity to build relationships through running and work toward a common goal with a new set of athletes.

Running Scared

It's beginning to feel like it's time to pack up and move on. Cut ties and get out of Dodge. Move on to new adventures, new experiences, a different journey. Time is ticking too quickly and I'm missing out on something important.

Let's be honest though, this point has been a long time coming. I've been waiting patiently for something to happen. Some great opportunity to come my way and set me free from this mediocrity. The longer I wait, the more urgently I am reminded that I have to make things happen for myself.

I'm feeling particularly trapped as I shuffle through old photographs of exotic places I've never been and interesting people I've never met. This isn't my life displayed here. And it never will be if I don't do something, and fast.

Selfish

If you know me or have read much of this blog, you are already familiar with my frustration with other women. I admit it is rather self-righteous of me to be so harsh and assume that I don't fall into the same pattern of behavior that seems so natural for my sex. Self-righteous or not, I can't help being angry.

What really irks me is that I am quickly judged by these women for my choices NOT to be a wife and mother. Perhaps they're jealous of my freedom? Perhaps they feel I'm denying the obligation that comes with having a uterus? Perhaps they just want me to follow the rules and join the Mommy Club? They are free to hold whatever grudge they want against me, but please, please don't tell me I'm being selfish for not making the same decisions they have made.

Over the last year I think I have grown up enough to set and maintain boundaries for myself. I know who I am, I know what I want for myself, and what I want out of my life. I have high hopes for myself, and I don't intend to lose sight of my goals. If my visions don't include chasing a toddler around a yard encircled by a white-picket fence in suburban, upper-middle class America, that's OK. It's my vision, my life. I can get what I want out of it. If that makes you uncomfortable, that's your problem.

I realize at this point that I am wrongly focusing my frustration instead of confronting the true source. While I might be frustrated by the stay-at-home-mom scenario, what really scares me is that this seems to be where I'm headed. I feel my life slipping away, passing me by. I'm stuck. I want desperately to get away, but where? Volunteer for an overseas deployment? At least I get out of this current situation. I can't stay where I am. And once the year or so is up, I'll have a small fortune saved to go and do what I please. I don't even have to come back. I can disappear; slip out of this grip of growing obligations that's tightening every day.

Perhaps it seems contradictory to take up the Army life in order to gain freedom. But it's a limited amount of time with endless possibility to follow. I can do anything for a set amount of time. If I have an identified end-point, I only have to remind myself "this won't last forever," and focus on the task at hand. While my life here in Denver isn't bad, to say the least, it seems to stretch out endlessly ahead of me, unchanging, uninterrupted, and completely unfufilling.

I've always felt there's too much world to see to be stuck in one place. I'm beginning to feel stuck, and I need to get out fast, before I accumulate too much baggage.