Today I decided, after sitting in traffic for two and a half hours to travel a total of 18 miles, that I hate driving. I've known for a long time that once I get behind the wheel of a car, I transform into a different person. Everyone on the road suddenly becomes my enemy as we compete for space on the highway. I yell and curse, get angry about things that the object of my frustration is completely oblivious to. What really gets me is why other drivers can't feel my frustration and just all pull to either side of the road letting me drive right down the middle to my destination. Taking the bus everyday has allowed me not only to have a chance to interact with other people, it has given me the freedom to view them as friendly fellow humans going about their day, not selfish, stupid, road hogs.
The other thing I learned today is that milk is not my friend. I traded dairy for soy products as of January 1. I also quit drinking coffee (gasp!). But after my red-faced frustration on the road this morning, I decided I would treat myself with a tall, non-fat, one-pump cinnamon dolce latte, no whip. About two sips in, I felt the lactose taking its effect. Usually I am not sensitive to foods. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and not feel any side effects other than satiety. But after nearly three weeks without dairy, I now understand a little better how my body works.
Add that to my list of resolutions: No more driving and no more milk. I (and everyone around me, on the road or not) will be much happier and healthier for it.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Happiness
An article in my favorite news magazine struck me as funny. It discusses all the characteristics of happy people, describes who is most likely to be happy and in general reviews two books that take a shot at analyzing happiness. The most interesting statement in the article, "Happy is the new sad." Meaning that just being happy isn't good enough for people anymore. Happiness is something that we consider, especially in America, to be an "inalienable right." One of the authors points out that you can't really have happiness without experiencing pain and melancholy. I think the article concludes on a perfect note, quoting Eric Hoffer: “The search for happiness is one of the chief sources of unhappiness.”
In case you want to read it for yourself:
http://www.economist.com/books/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10529960&CFID=5893580&CFTOKEN=6bbb29e84bc48d01-B4441861-B27C-BB00-012BA0E5400D08EB
In case you want to read it for yourself:
http://www.economist.com/books/displaystory.cfm?story_id=10529960&CFID=5893580&CFTOKEN=6bbb29e84bc48d01-B4441861-B27C-BB00-012BA0E5400D08EB
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Isolation and Interaction
Recently I've been using public transportation to get to and from work. Not only has it saved me from sky-high gas prices, but it has saved me hours upon hours of time that I would usually waste sitting in traffic, cursing other drivers. Rather, I have forty-five minutes to an hour to read, listen to music, relax, unwind. I can be completely oblivious to driving conditions, weather, time. At first I used to get frustrated when I didn't get to my destination quick enough or when the stops took too long. Now that I've acknowledged that all of that is beyond my control, and completely insignificant, I can completely relax and enjoy the ride.
One of the best benefits of riding the bus everyday is the human interaction. I've realized how easily we can become isolated from the rest of our species simply through our mode of transportation. Every day, twice a day, I look out the window to see thousands of people in their cars, alone, sitting in traffic. I can relate to that, after being a single driver for years. I would turn on my music and get lost in my own head. I still have that option on the bus, but I also have the opportunity to engage with other people.
Now I understand that by making eye-contact and smiling a complete strangers on board public transportation carries some risk. I might get involved in a conversation with someone who won't stop gabbing or who has bad breath or whatever. But there is a greater likelihood, I've found of having thoroughly pleasant conversations.
On Tuesday, for example, I met this smart, polite, interesting, funny (very nice looking) guy on my ride home. He's a political science student at CU Denver. We struck up a conversation and chatted the whole time. After a year of struggling to meet people, it was nice to know that it can be that easy.
Today, while I was waiting for my local transfer bus in Denver, I started talking with an older woman. She was sweet and talkative. She is in the process of changing careers so we shared stories about the trials and tribulations of job hunting.
For me public transportation has had a very humanizing effect. It's nice to be reminded that we're all just people orbiting this lonely planet, moving about our daily lives. When my life intersects with another it's an opportunity to exit the rat race for a minute and look outside myself. I welcome those chances as often as they may come.
One of the best benefits of riding the bus everyday is the human interaction. I've realized how easily we can become isolated from the rest of our species simply through our mode of transportation. Every day, twice a day, I look out the window to see thousands of people in their cars, alone, sitting in traffic. I can relate to that, after being a single driver for years. I would turn on my music and get lost in my own head. I still have that option on the bus, but I also have the opportunity to engage with other people.
Now I understand that by making eye-contact and smiling a complete strangers on board public transportation carries some risk. I might get involved in a conversation with someone who won't stop gabbing or who has bad breath or whatever. But there is a greater likelihood, I've found of having thoroughly pleasant conversations.
On Tuesday, for example, I met this smart, polite, interesting, funny (very nice looking) guy on my ride home. He's a political science student at CU Denver. We struck up a conversation and chatted the whole time. After a year of struggling to meet people, it was nice to know that it can be that easy.
Today, while I was waiting for my local transfer bus in Denver, I started talking with an older woman. She was sweet and talkative. She is in the process of changing careers so we shared stories about the trials and tribulations of job hunting.
For me public transportation has had a very humanizing effect. It's nice to be reminded that we're all just people orbiting this lonely planet, moving about our daily lives. When my life intersects with another it's an opportunity to exit the rat race for a minute and look outside myself. I welcome those chances as often as they may come.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Searching for God Knows What
I've been reading the Donald Miller book Searching for God Knows What during my morning transit. If you've never read Blue Like Jazz, you should, it will change your life. It provides a reasoned and enlightened perspective on how to be a Christian in the world today. I read it a few years ago and came to the realization that the real gospel is not being right or knowing facts about God and the Bible, or even about adhering to specific doctrine. The gospel is a love story; story of grace, forgiveness, courage, and relationship. It challenged my whole idea of what it meant to be a Christian. Other than C.S. Lewis, Donald Miller has to be my favorite theologian.
I started Searching for God Knows What anticipating a similar experience.
I'm about half-way through right now, and I already know I'm going to have to read it again with pen and paper in hand so I can really process everything Miller has to say. It's good stuff, and I really want to get my head around it.
What I love about reading Miller is that he converses with his reader in a casual, vulnerable way. He's painfully honest at times; discussing those secret selfish desires people hold in the dark places of their hearts. This really resonates with me, and I believe it would strike anyone who grew up faithfully in the church only to realize later in life that it was just another measuring stick within a social hierarchy. So many people waste so much time hiding their sins, and then condemn someone else who confesses to the same problem. I was fortunate enough (though it felt completely opposite at the time) to lose any sense of self-righteousness when I was still in high school. I really take joy from that experience now because I believe it made me more capable of loving people. The experience made me more compassionate, more gracious; and I am truly thankful for that lesson, no matter how painful.
One of the most prevalent analogies Miller uses is the lifeboat scenario. You know this illustration: you are in a lifeboat with a group of people, you must decide who gets thrown overboard in order to keep the boat afloat. Everyone on board is subject to evaluation and comparison, and he/she that is found least valuable is tossed out to sea. Miller uses this analogy to describe the type of world in which we live. Think about it, we are always comparing ourselves to other people to see if rank above or below them on the social ladder. We place so much emphasis on how we look, what we own, careers, money, etc. so that we can demonstrate our value to the other people on the lifeboat, and thus secure a spot on board.
The main point of this illustration, and of the book so far, is that we are relational people. We need someone to love and affirm us in order to understand our own worth. That's the interesting thing about relationships. If we are surrounded by people who consistently affirm our value and demonstrate love, we feel whole, secure. Miller admits that this all sounds weak and co-dependent. There's an established belief in American culture that we need to be independent, believe in ourselves, and rely on our own knowledge of ourselves to develop confidence. But really, where does that first indication of value come from? It comes from some one telling and demonstrating to you that you are worth loving. Personally, I flourish in situations where people tell me that I am valued. For example, I have rarely enjoyed a job as much as I enjoy my current position. It has absolutely nothing to do with the actual tasks I am performing, and everything to do with the fact that the people I work for and with appreciate me. I walk in the door, and I hear "Kelly!" as though they are so glad and relieved that I am there. It's a nice feeling to be wanted. It does give me a sense of worth, a sense of security. These people won't throw me overboard. So I look forward to going to work everyday.
What is really interesting though, is that this sense of worth and security has enabled me to demonstrate to others that I appreciate them. I'm not afraid of earning someone's favor, because I already feel valued, so I can love more freely and give more generously.
The point, though, really, is not so much that we need other people to make us feel good about ourselves. What we really need is a relationship with God. Miller quotes "his friend" John MacMurray in stating, "the most unselfish thing that a God who is truly loving could do is to create beings to enjoy Himself." If God is completely loving, and all the while indiscriminant with who he loves, then the best thing he could do is share that love.
Another interesting thing that Miller brings up is that what we often feel as "love" is more the desire for the person toward whom those feelings are directed (or with whom they're connected) to love us. It's not really genuine desire to make that person happy or fulfilled or even to enjoy their company and know them completely, but rather we want them to affirm us. The more I thought about this, the more I realized how selfish I have been in my relationships. I often say "I love you" hoping that someone will say it back. Not just that, but I do or say other things to gain their approval or affection. I don't want to be selfish in my relationships anymore. I want to tell people I love them and truly mean it. So what does that mean anyway. More on that later.
I started Searching for God Knows What anticipating a similar experience.
I'm about half-way through right now, and I already know I'm going to have to read it again with pen and paper in hand so I can really process everything Miller has to say. It's good stuff, and I really want to get my head around it.
What I love about reading Miller is that he converses with his reader in a casual, vulnerable way. He's painfully honest at times; discussing those secret selfish desires people hold in the dark places of their hearts. This really resonates with me, and I believe it would strike anyone who grew up faithfully in the church only to realize later in life that it was just another measuring stick within a social hierarchy. So many people waste so much time hiding their sins, and then condemn someone else who confesses to the same problem. I was fortunate enough (though it felt completely opposite at the time) to lose any sense of self-righteousness when I was still in high school. I really take joy from that experience now because I believe it made me more capable of loving people. The experience made me more compassionate, more gracious; and I am truly thankful for that lesson, no matter how painful.
One of the most prevalent analogies Miller uses is the lifeboat scenario. You know this illustration: you are in a lifeboat with a group of people, you must decide who gets thrown overboard in order to keep the boat afloat. Everyone on board is subject to evaluation and comparison, and he/she that is found least valuable is tossed out to sea. Miller uses this analogy to describe the type of world in which we live. Think about it, we are always comparing ourselves to other people to see if rank above or below them on the social ladder. We place so much emphasis on how we look, what we own, careers, money, etc. so that we can demonstrate our value to the other people on the lifeboat, and thus secure a spot on board.
The main point of this illustration, and of the book so far, is that we are relational people. We need someone to love and affirm us in order to understand our own worth. That's the interesting thing about relationships. If we are surrounded by people who consistently affirm our value and demonstrate love, we feel whole, secure. Miller admits that this all sounds weak and co-dependent. There's an established belief in American culture that we need to be independent, believe in ourselves, and rely on our own knowledge of ourselves to develop confidence. But really, where does that first indication of value come from? It comes from some one telling and demonstrating to you that you are worth loving. Personally, I flourish in situations where people tell me that I am valued. For example, I have rarely enjoyed a job as much as I enjoy my current position. It has absolutely nothing to do with the actual tasks I am performing, and everything to do with the fact that the people I work for and with appreciate me. I walk in the door, and I hear "Kelly!" as though they are so glad and relieved that I am there. It's a nice feeling to be wanted. It does give me a sense of worth, a sense of security. These people won't throw me overboard. So I look forward to going to work everyday.
What is really interesting though, is that this sense of worth and security has enabled me to demonstrate to others that I appreciate them. I'm not afraid of earning someone's favor, because I already feel valued, so I can love more freely and give more generously.
The point, though, really, is not so much that we need other people to make us feel good about ourselves. What we really need is a relationship with God. Miller quotes "his friend" John MacMurray in stating, "the most unselfish thing that a God who is truly loving could do is to create beings to enjoy Himself." If God is completely loving, and all the while indiscriminant with who he loves, then the best thing he could do is share that love.
Another interesting thing that Miller brings up is that what we often feel as "love" is more the desire for the person toward whom those feelings are directed (or with whom they're connected) to love us. It's not really genuine desire to make that person happy or fulfilled or even to enjoy their company and know them completely, but rather we want them to affirm us. The more I thought about this, the more I realized how selfish I have been in my relationships. I often say "I love you" hoping that someone will say it back. Not just that, but I do or say other things to gain their approval or affection. I don't want to be selfish in my relationships anymore. I want to tell people I love them and truly mean it. So what does that mean anyway. More on that later.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
All I Need
I've filled the majority of my time this past week or so listening to the Radiohead CD, In Rainbows. I feel compelled to write about because I feel like truth is revealed to me in music more than in other art forms. One of the reasons I love Radiohead is the same reason I love U2; they communicate profound ideas in simple, even gritty, terms. One song on the album has been especially meaningful to me, All I Need. I posted the lyrics below:
I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car
I am all the days
That you choose to ignore
You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm an insect
Trying to get out of the night
I only stick with you
Because there are no others
You are all I need
You're all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds
It's all wrong
It's all right
What I love about this song, other than the haunting and beautiful melody, is that I think everyone has experienced this. When I first started listening I was confused and even angry that the singer longed for someone who treated him so badly. Then there's that line of truth: "I only stick with you, because there are no others." Aha! So he's not satisfied, he's settling. But the more I listened, the more I began to understand that I've been in similar situations, but stuck around because I felt like I NEEDED this person or thing to breathe, to continue, to exist. Sometimes I was willing to sit in the hot car and wait for them/it to come back, because at least they had an animal in the first place, so that must mean something. Or I was willing to play second fiddle or be the follow-up to their performance, because even if I wasn't headlining, at least I was getting to be on stage at all. And just sharing some of their light was enough to keep me satisfied because I was around someone who radiated. There I am, right in the middle of the picture, but I'm so small, so inconsequential, that I'm hidden by the landscape.
I think we've all felt that way. It's one of those universal experiences and we decide, "it's all wrong, but it's all right."
I don't have a plan of action or a word of wisdom on how to get out from under this type of relationship. I just think it's interesting that we are all attracted to something or someone who is bigger than ourselves. We do crazy things to give life greater meaning, whether it be pursuing someone who seems to have it all, hoping they'll share a little piece, or participating in something that might lead to greater fulfillment. I think it speaks to our desire to be valued. We want someone to notice our worth, even if it's because we are associated with someone or something. All I need is not this person or thing, but all I need is to be valued, even if by means of association.
Happiness
I'm experiencing this strange phenomenon in my life right now where it seems like I'm moving out of the holding pattern into a more kinetic state. I actually feel happy. I look forward to getting up in the morning, rather than going back to sleep until the very last moment. I like my job(s). I feel secure in my relationships. I'm looking toward the future and I see potential rather than a gaping darkness. It's a strange, foreign feeling.
It struck me the other day. I was doing something inconsequential like sticking my key into the lock to open the door to my house and I realized I was smiling. I don't know what I was smiling about, but at that second I felt happy, at peace. That hasn't gone away.
I don't want to overanalyze it, because it seems to hard to grasp. I don't want to lose it, or crush it with my fingertips. I just want to enjoy it for as long as I can.
Perhaps if I keep stepping lightly and doing things the way I've been doing them over the last couple weeks this feeling will stick around. Now that WOULD be strange.
It struck me the other day. I was doing something inconsequential like sticking my key into the lock to open the door to my house and I realized I was smiling. I don't know what I was smiling about, but at that second I felt happy, at peace. That hasn't gone away.
I don't want to overanalyze it, because it seems to hard to grasp. I don't want to lose it, or crush it with my fingertips. I just want to enjoy it for as long as I can.
Perhaps if I keep stepping lightly and doing things the way I've been doing them over the last couple weeks this feeling will stick around. Now that WOULD be strange.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Leaf Blowing
It's only been a week, but I am faring quite well in my 2008 goals. So well that I need to add a few more things to the list.
7. I really want to start writing again. I've often thought that one of my life goals should be to write a book. Writing is a process I enjoy and I think I have good things to say. Also, I blew off poetry long ago for prose because it seemed so adolescent. I think I might try my hand at it again. My sister is a talented writer who really enjoys poetry, I might get her to lead me to some new material.
8. This is one of my more run-of-the-mill resolutions, and I've mentioned it before, I have to stop watching so much TV. It's my default activity. Anytime I'm bored or have spare time, I just flip on the tube and tune out. I have seriously thought about selling the TV in my room. This is the first year I've lived with a TV in my bedroom, and it is not healthy. I used to read before bed, now I watch endless hours of Friends. I'm convinced that all those comments about TV rotting your brain are true. My brother's girlfriend says "TV is for the weak-minded," I'm tending toward agreement.
9. One of the most important lessons I think I can take from 2007 is to be more persistent in pursuing what I want. I need to put that lesson into better practice in 2008. I need to clarify my goals, outline strategies for achieving them, then persistently go to work. I'm determined not to be in the same place this time next year. I really feel like 2007 was a waste in many ways, I spent so much time waiting and so little time living.
10. Finally (for now), I need to invest more time in re-building my relationship with God. After so much disappointment, it's hard for me to trust him anymore. But that's what faith is about, trusting and following God even when things are painful and unclear. I haven't been very faithful this year. While it might take a while and I know I'll waver on this point daily, I need to be more intentional about involving or acknowledging God in my life again.
Look out 2008, I'm doing more than turning over a new leaf, I'm blowing them all over the place.
7. I really want to start writing again. I've often thought that one of my life goals should be to write a book. Writing is a process I enjoy and I think I have good things to say. Also, I blew off poetry long ago for prose because it seemed so adolescent. I think I might try my hand at it again. My sister is a talented writer who really enjoys poetry, I might get her to lead me to some new material.
8. This is one of my more run-of-the-mill resolutions, and I've mentioned it before, I have to stop watching so much TV. It's my default activity. Anytime I'm bored or have spare time, I just flip on the tube and tune out. I have seriously thought about selling the TV in my room. This is the first year I've lived with a TV in my bedroom, and it is not healthy. I used to read before bed, now I watch endless hours of Friends. I'm convinced that all those comments about TV rotting your brain are true. My brother's girlfriend says "TV is for the weak-minded," I'm tending toward agreement.
9. One of the most important lessons I think I can take from 2007 is to be more persistent in pursuing what I want. I need to put that lesson into better practice in 2008. I need to clarify my goals, outline strategies for achieving them, then persistently go to work. I'm determined not to be in the same place this time next year. I really feel like 2007 was a waste in many ways, I spent so much time waiting and so little time living.
10. Finally (for now), I need to invest more time in re-building my relationship with God. After so much disappointment, it's hard for me to trust him anymore. But that's what faith is about, trusting and following God even when things are painful and unclear. I haven't been very faithful this year. While it might take a while and I know I'll waver on this point daily, I need to be more intentional about involving or acknowledging God in my life again.
Look out 2008, I'm doing more than turning over a new leaf, I'm blowing them all over the place.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Turning Over A New Leaf
A new year always seems such an opportune time to start all over again. Sometimes I wish I could just "shut down" and "reboot." A new year is as close to this as we can get. It's a chance to purge myself of the things that tied me down and kept me from being the person I was created to be.
I was reading a nice little article in the Denver Post featuring several local people who are taking a new lease on life in 2008. They are making far greater commitments than short-lived weight-loss resolutions. One woman is using her new seminary degree to launch a career in counseling, another man is starting dialysis and looking for new kidneys, another has hopes of competing in the Olympic games.
That's the kind of change I want in my life this year. I want to start a new adventure, unpack all the baggage I've been lugging around, and stop waiting for things to happen to me.
While I have some run-of-the-mill resolutions (work out more consistently, eat healthier, be more intentional in maintaining important friendships, etc.), I want a more complete make-over in 2008.
1. I have to begin a career. I have a few things going, but I want to do something significant. My passion is for policy making. I want to work for someone involved in that process. I really think I need to move to DC to do that. So, by the end of 2008 I want to be in a position where I am working directly for someone involved in the political process.
2. I have to reevaluate my relationships. I've given too much power to some people in my life, and not spent enough time with other people. I have some friends with whom I have a mutually encouraging and loving relationship that I do not rely on enough, and there are other people in my life who are a serious emotional drain. I spend so much time wondering what they think of me, and whether I'm doing enough to make them happy and be a good friend, but I would be surprised if they so much as gave a second thought to my happiness. Not that I want to be more selfish in my friendships or completely sever ties with people, but I need to develop better emotional boundaries in my relationships.
3. Similarly, I need to build new relationships. I need to build a network, and not just for the purpose of career building, but in the pursuit of finding like-minded friends. I need to find more people who like politics and want to make a difference in this world. I think the first step in this is going back to church and being intentional about meeting people.
4. In the spirit of releasing myself from excess baggage and becoming more independent. I have decided to backpack part of the Appalachian Trail. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never taken the time to do it. Even if I just spend two weeks on the trail, I think it will be a tremendous experience. I'm planning on hiking this summer, in the Virginia or North Carolina sections.
5. I've also wanted to run a marathon since I was a junior in college. This is the year for that. I'm joining with Team in Training to prepare for a marathon in June. This training will be invaluable in my preparation for the AT.
6. In regards to my military career, the marathon training will also be important for my APFT and ultimately in getting my "O." Ever since I enlisted, I've been asked multiple times why I didn't get my commission. Really I wanted some experience on the enlisted side, but also, I didn't understand the system when I first signed on. So this year, I'm putting in my packet for a direct commission, as soon as I get my E5 promotion.
I hope that 2008 will be my year to take control of my life, surrender it back to God, and move forward into my destiny. I never want to waste my time and energy like I did in 2007. I spent so much time in tears and too little time doing the things I actually wanted to do. This year, I'm drying my eyes, leaving my pain in the past, and being the woman I am.
I was reading a nice little article in the Denver Post featuring several local people who are taking a new lease on life in 2008. They are making far greater commitments than short-lived weight-loss resolutions. One woman is using her new seminary degree to launch a career in counseling, another man is starting dialysis and looking for new kidneys, another has hopes of competing in the Olympic games.
That's the kind of change I want in my life this year. I want to start a new adventure, unpack all the baggage I've been lugging around, and stop waiting for things to happen to me.
While I have some run-of-the-mill resolutions (work out more consistently, eat healthier, be more intentional in maintaining important friendships, etc.), I want a more complete make-over in 2008.
1. I have to begin a career. I have a few things going, but I want to do something significant. My passion is for policy making. I want to work for someone involved in that process. I really think I need to move to DC to do that. So, by the end of 2008 I want to be in a position where I am working directly for someone involved in the political process.
2. I have to reevaluate my relationships. I've given too much power to some people in my life, and not spent enough time with other people. I have some friends with whom I have a mutually encouraging and loving relationship that I do not rely on enough, and there are other people in my life who are a serious emotional drain. I spend so much time wondering what they think of me, and whether I'm doing enough to make them happy and be a good friend, but I would be surprised if they so much as gave a second thought to my happiness. Not that I want to be more selfish in my friendships or completely sever ties with people, but I need to develop better emotional boundaries in my relationships.
3. Similarly, I need to build new relationships. I need to build a network, and not just for the purpose of career building, but in the pursuit of finding like-minded friends. I need to find more people who like politics and want to make a difference in this world. I think the first step in this is going back to church and being intentional about meeting people.
4. In the spirit of releasing myself from excess baggage and becoming more independent. I have decided to backpack part of the Appalachian Trail. It's something I've wanted to do for years and never taken the time to do it. Even if I just spend two weeks on the trail, I think it will be a tremendous experience. I'm planning on hiking this summer, in the Virginia or North Carolina sections.
5. I've also wanted to run a marathon since I was a junior in college. This is the year for that. I'm joining with Team in Training to prepare for a marathon in June. This training will be invaluable in my preparation for the AT.
6. In regards to my military career, the marathon training will also be important for my APFT and ultimately in getting my "O." Ever since I enlisted, I've been asked multiple times why I didn't get my commission. Really I wanted some experience on the enlisted side, but also, I didn't understand the system when I first signed on. So this year, I'm putting in my packet for a direct commission, as soon as I get my E5 promotion.
I hope that 2008 will be my year to take control of my life, surrender it back to God, and move forward into my destiny. I never want to waste my time and energy like I did in 2007. I spent so much time in tears and too little time doing the things I actually wanted to do. This year, I'm drying my eyes, leaving my pain in the past, and being the woman I am.
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